My First Mother’s Day Without Her

Published on by Elissa Coxen

I know I have dealt with my mother’s death well. I’m ‘lucky’ enough to have extremely solid spiritual beliefs which ‘remind’ me of the positive aspects of her no longer being Here. But she left her body just 19 weeks ago, so Mothers Day 2013 will be my First without her.

I don’t normally write poetry – I don’t think I have since school – but earlier in the week leading up to this day, these sentiments & words came to me, late at night when I would normally be sleeping. It’s more about me than her…but that’s all Grief is: Selfishness. We simply lament the loss of our Loved One’s physical presence. Our pain is for our personal loss. In this particular moment, I was mourning the loss of her physical affection, the real connection & pure love I felt when we hugged and kissed each other. There’s currently no one to take her place.

I found a pothole, A Life in Words
A chink in my armour.
There’s no one there;
No connection, no affection
No physical warmth
Only air on my lips.
You are the only one
I could bear
But you’re gone.
Not two thousand kilometres,
But light years.
My heart is still broken;
You promised you’d be in touch
Before you left.
I need your arms around me,
Please mum,
I miss you so much.

xoxo

5 thoughts on “My First Mother’s Day Without Her”

  1. That’s really beautiful Elissa, brought a tear to my eye. You might remember me, I used to be Sarah Hardy, I think I last saw you at the gym at Woree about 12 years ago! I have been following your blog because I ‘liked’ your personal training page. I was very sorry to hear about your mum’s death, such an awful thing cancer is for so many families. I personally have not experienced it but know people who have. Just wanted to let you know I find your words very insightful!

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    1. Thanks so much Sarah (of course I remember you!) I’m touched that you’ve been following me/my page 🙂 I hope you are enjoying all my diary entries, while I’m still ‘schooling’ at Smithfield?!

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      1. I have been enjoying it, especially because I know of most of the people you mention. Smithfield seems like a million years ago. Now it is considered one of the better schools in Cairns! Cairns High has pretty much the best record of the state schools in the area. Unfortunately I lost touch with a lot of people from Smithfield not long after school finished, I ended up at uni in Toowoomba (yay!, not). I did see Fiona Dunphy at a gym (recurring theme) in about 1990

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  2. I think I ran out of room. As life would have it my son Carl who is 16 has turned out to be a very talented artist, particularly with drawing and painting, mainly drawing. His art teacher thinks he will be famous and he was in the Cairns Post a couple of weeks ago for some painting he is doing inside a barber shop at Edmonton. Anyway, I hope you get through tomorrow, a sad day. I have always been really blasé about mother’s day but now recognise that for some people it takes on a new meaning when they are no longer around.

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    1. Oh Sarah that’s fantastic (about Carl)! I will have to look out for his work. I am still in touch with Fi, we try to catch up as regularly as Life allows. I’m with you on the ‘mother’s day’ thing but it has revealed itself as another grieving moment for me…at least this year. I’ve loved hearing from you, please stay in touch (even if it’s only via cyberspace!)

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