Sweatin’ the Small Stuff & a Bleedin’ Wart (24-30 March)

Monday 24/3/86

I think Mark has little interest in me. Angela M’s birthday today. I think he likes her after all. Better still, cause otherwise I’d be all confused and getting my hopes up otherwise (like I have been) so I’ll leave it. And just look not touch. (I’m always doing that!) [This mental anguish and ‘flip-flopping’ is ‘hilarious’] Boring day. All are now. The year 12’s were inducted today – periods 6&7. Boring. It’s 9:28. I have done very little study for my test (maths) Trust me [to not study]. I never do. Why? I just can’t concentrate or keep to studying. That’s poor. Oh well. I’ve come to expect my standards as poor. [Here we go – total self deprecation as a result of feeling ‘unloved’ and/or ‘unlovable’]  There are times when I wonder what my point on Earth is.A Life in Words [Interestingly, this exact theme has reared its head many a time throughout my life. I have often felt I lack purpose. Even though I know what I like, what I’m passionate about, do you think I can find a way to channel it into something that resembles ‘Life Purpose’?] My friends (Jemima especially seem to have lost interest in me) May as well say what I say every day God, Mark is a spunk.

Tuesday 25/3/86

No! I haven’t lost hope totally! At big lunch today, he spent all of it right in my view. [Er….SO? Are we clutching at straws here?]  Every minute. He sat right near where we sat & went into the room, near windows where I could see him and he actually spoke to me! (His first sober words!!) “Hi elissa. Do you remember me? This is my friend Greg!” [Evidently Greg was standing next to him.] Wow! But it’s a start!! I’m far too shy I think. Maths test?? Ugh! I don’t think I did too well. I know I definitely have no more than 28/30 cos’ I couldn’t do one Q worth 2 marks. I think probably 20-22. Also had a spot test in Biology I got 15½/24. (I did some study tonight!!) English assignment I haven’t looked at yet! ooo-wa!! Is 9:18 now. Going late night tomorrow (Fri. is a public holiday) so I’ll see Mark at work. Will say hello. Must (try)

Wednesday 26/3/86

A Life in WordsI’m still, of course, trying not to get any hopes up. But. It’s hard. I discovered that the ‘MARK’ I had written on my fingers wasn’t fully off. I’d wondered how many people might’ve seen it. It was pretty faint. Went late night shopping → at Kmart. [oh, so no opportunity to be too shy to say anything?] Pity, huh?! Went to speech, on my own before-hand (see, cos of Good Friday, all the suburbs & town shops were open tonight which meant mima had to work.) Gee it’s 9:53!! I have my Bio exam tomorrow and, you guessed it, I haven’t studied. God, I’m a shithead. [Believe me, I’ve called myself a lot worse!] Cross country run was cancelled due to rain – didn’t stop all day (till about 5:30 tonight) Wow!! Have an english assignment due which I haven’t done. So I will do lots on the holidays. [Pfffft, yeah.] Am I happy? I don’t know. I really don’t know

Thursday 27/3/86

Have I had one shit of a day. The worst in my life, I’d say. (so far as little things go [whadda they say… “don’t sweat the small stuff”? It’s taken me a long to grasp this one, and I still have moments struggling with it]) I get 16½/30 for maths (but it becomes 18 as I discover unjustly marked sum.) Am told to do my english assignment at lunchtime→ didn’t go – so ultimately feel guilty for the rest of the day→ Go to town after school (after attempting to ring mum all day [to tell her I assume]) and find out that Julia rang dad and told him. [And that meant potentially more trouble] (Today’s consolations include 20/24 for multiple choice section of my Bio exam, which was generally easy.) I just feel so down – Am really confused, concerning Mark. I wish I knew whether he likes me or not. Sometimes I think he does and sometimes not. HELL. Is 10:05. On bus, these hoons [‘bogans’] followed [the bus] cos Mima flirted (for fun) And they followed from town all the way in to Stratford! Dicks! they must be desperate GOODBYE Sandy! [Sandy dropped out of our CAD art class so early because her family was leaving Cairns. Twas evidently her last day.]

Friday 28/3/86

I did it! I wrote an english assignment today (I willed myself) and went round to Mr Grossetti’s and gave it to him (well, he was getting fish & chips→ Mrs G said to wait. 2mins and it took 30 seconds. He pulled up. I said “this is my missing assignment.” He said, “Gett a bit pakky did you?” [Now, I’m fairly certain that, even at the time I wrote this in my diary, I wasn’t sure of what Mr G had actually said there. You see, we used to say someone was “packing it” or moreover “packing shit” if they were ‘scared’ or nervous. So that kind of fit the scenario. But if he did choose that cool teen lingo, he’d gotten it wrong! What seems more likely is that he’d actually said ‘panicky’.] “Yeh. A Life in WordsAnd I apologise for not seeing you about it” “Never mind, it’s still mid-semester.” And that was it.) Today I ate an Easter bunny. I ate a lot in fact. Watched a bit of TV. Have a feeling now about how my hols’ are gonna be. Only 9 days thank god! Did I tell you another depressing thing I found out also yesterday was that the Japanese trip cost is now $2,200? Looks quite likely I won’t be able to go. SHIT. I’ll work hard. 10 past 10. Missing Mark already. Think about him (and kissing him) when I’m trying to get to sleep at night. rainy windy cool weather!

Saturday 29/3/86

My wart bled, today. Yukky. [I had a couple of strange little warts on different parts of my hands at various times in my youth: not the typical ‘bubble’ type ones. These looked more like callouses. Quite strange. I don’t recall them bleeding however.] I took the plaits out this morning (I had them in overnight) & it looked foul. [‘Crimping’ hair was in at the time, so if you didn’t have a crimper, the next best option was to plait your hair while it was wet. Clearly, it didn’t impress me.] Later in the day I applied gel & twisted sections, which I let “loose”  when it dried→ it looked FANTASTIC!! [That turned out more Like-A-Virgin-Madonna-esque!] A Life in WordsI spent a fair bit of time this arvy, putting Julia’s hair in plaits, too. I also ate a LOT today. I am ashamed. Read all about Taurean males → sounds almost like a perfect match (I think he’s pretty-well a true Taurean.) [Didn’t REALLY understand astrology at this stage, obviously] Also did (what I could) on my Bio. assignment, i.e.: wrote out info (for the flowers which weren’t mouldy) neatly. Watched TV & listened a fair bit to the radio. EXCITING HUH? It’s 10:10 now. I’m not dead tired, but feel I should get to sleep easily ♥♥ Mark. Is the only thing I think about these daze??

Sunday 30/3/86

It’s kinda cool at the moment! I’m not too well, but before you start saying “No wonder, all the chocolate you’ve eaten in the past 3 days”, I don’t mean ‘ill’. Just a small, nagging head ache. Watched TV & did practically nothing until went to Nana’s around 1:30 (saw Fi, cos we went to her Newsagency to get Nin a casket ticket) I was watching the movie, but got tired. My feet were numb with cold!! We drove around from Nana’s → looking at houses. Went from Edge Hill, right way round to Whitfield just around Back streets!! Am a bit more tired tonight. (Was cool last night – woke at 7:30, still with my covers on) Weather is still continuing like Melbourne would experience [I say this purely from its reputation, not my personal experience! I had never set foot in the city at this point in my life.] i.e.: rainy/sunny → changing every minute (sometimes even at the same time) 10:08. I’ve (almost-not quite) decided to cancel trip to Japan, & go to Dire Straits concert (I must cos Mark is) [Of course. Dire Straits weren’t necessarily my favourite band, but international acts were a rarity in Cairns, so you would usually go whether you were overly keen or not. Because it was a phenomenon in itself, anyone famous coming to our little town.]

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