All good things must come to an end. Or so they say.
After three years of commitment, five years of my teenage life, I am bringing this blog to a close. Unfortunately, Life has become a little too busy for me to continue devoting time to it and there’s no way around it.
You may have gleaned a sense of this from the (rather lengthy) introduction in my first post for the year 1988 (click here if you missed it) – I was uncomfortable (not merely with the year itself, but) with the perceived time and effort it would take for me to continue transcribing and since 2016 has begun with a host of new opportunities for me, I have to make some sacrifices.
While it’s a bittersweet decision, I have to admit that I’d had a sense – a gut feeling – as we entered this year (and the correlative blog year, 1988) that it was ‘time’ …that I’d achieved what I was originally, subconsciously driven to do.
Initially it began as a kind of ‘grief reaction’ following my mother’s death in 2012. Ruminating upon Life and how short it is, how unfair it is, but how it basically affects us all, all human beings in the same way, I wanted to open up and let it all out because I didn’t care anymore; I couldn’t see the point in living life ‘closed’. I wanted to acknowledge our interconnectedness: to highlight the fact that we are fundamentally The Same. We are all connected, despite the separateness of our physical bodies. We all think, love, like, dislike, suffer and enjoy the same, and further, these very experiences and attitudes change, all the time. We all say, think and feel things about people and experiences we encounter through the course of our lives, but because “Nothing is Permanent” (thank you Yoga for really teaching me this) our words, thoughts and feelings can, will and do change from moment to moment …and most certainly do over longer time spans (it’s called maturity). How many of us for example as children told our parents we “hated” them when we didn’t get what we were wanting? I remember doing it and genuinely feeling it, but the intense emotion passed – in whatever time frame – and Peace and Love were restored.
Bravely – or stupidly (as I said in my opening post About Me) I decided to challenge one of the fundamental human fears: being completely open and honest… in the face of certain judgement by others. I felt compelled to share my thoughts, feelings and actions, uncensored, in the hope that people might identify, might realise that in the End, none of it matters …because it’s repetitive, and changeable, even forgettable, but most of all, shared. We are each but one speck in the scheme of things: why should we take life so seriously?
Enjoying the ‘journey’, the writing, and yes, even the embarrassment (this in particular defines my aim!) this blog became a new habit (born of the old, yet still current & functioning one from which it sprang) but one that has revealed so much to me, about me: my reactions to the valuable lessons I faced during my adolescence, which were ultimately formative to the adult version of me. (And oh, how I have changed. Thank. God.) And this is what I came to realise was the ultimate, underlying driver of the process:
You see (and if you have been an avid follower, you may recall me having mentioned this previously) I had for a large portion of my adulthood, idolised my high school years – and in particular my senior high school years – as the best in my life. I now believe that I was driven – the purpose of this ‘process’ was – to release this notion by re-experiencing and sharing it with others. Simply re-reading and mulling over each diary was never going to be powerful enough: I had to prepare it, analyse it and send it out into the ether for some real freedom.
I kind of only realised and articulated how this catharsis played out for me in a post late November/early December 1987, when I was commenting upon a particular statement I’d made in a diary entry in that week. Here’s the excerpt:
“Well, less than a month left of this horrible revolting worst-year-of-my-life year. [This is so interesting, because unbeknownst to me, the coming year (1988) was to prove quite difficult for me as well (nothing as traumatic as the bus accident though of course) and for many, many years to follow, I despised it more than 1987. In fact, pretty much up until I began this blog, I actually considered 1987 (coupled with ’86) the best year(s) of my life. Much of this I think related to my burgeoning social and love lives, as well as the freedom of responsibility of childhood/school-life entwined with the imminent privileges of adulthood. Thankfully this very blogging process has released me from that limiting belief: whilst I’m re-living my past in detail, I’m also an observer and this has perfectly unlocked whatever deep, powerful connection I had to these times in my life (for which I am still grateful nonetheless, for the lessons they have individually and collectively presented to me). It’s truly liberating.]”
So, as much as I still believe in my founding reasons for this blog – being open and sharing, being Real – I know that its deeper purpose has been served. Apart from physical circumstances dictating, it truly is time.
It has been an adventure, a learning, a healing (and an embarrassment!) and I thank all my followers/readers for your interest and support. My especial thanks and gratitude go to the characters in my life: not merely for graciously accepting or tolerating being mentioned/included my posts but mostly for the integral parts you have played in my development of self, my life experiences and lessons. None of us is who we are today without the association of every other person and experience in our lives.