Stuff Mark W. Yes, he’s still going, strong as ever, with Tricia. He can lay his hopes to rest; I think he’s gutless. He should’ve at least made some move to let Tricia ‘down’ ‘slowly’ by now. [This is all still under the assumption fed to me by a friend of his a few weeks earlier that he was only in the relationship out of ‘obligation’. Clearly I was clinging to this Hope.] Unless he doesn’t like me anymore. [Oh, little Liss, there are potentially many more reasons than just that one.] Talk about ‘like’ . . . I think no one likes me. Today I was totally depressed; felt alone, hated, an outsider. (Tho Monique & Donna were being (fairly) nice) Fiona was (whether it really was becos’ she was feeling sick or not). grumpy. And mima holding little attention (interest in me). Even Sharon seemed turned against me. And as for the rest of the group, I’ve felt ‘hated’ or just ‘disliked’ by everyone ever since I found out that they all knew I liked Mark. [It’s tragic how one ‘negative’ thing in your life has the power to ‘blacken’ everything else. Your perception is fully tainted.] 9:00. well almost. Did no HW. Nasty habit procrastination. Lucy rang; I’m jealous she has a rage all the time. Is coming up soon for her dad’s wedding.
I felt strangely happy today: the first day I didn’t feel depressed about Mark!! I was in a really good mood all day!! [Oh my god, Miss Jekyll & Hyde…was I REALLY that moody?] Mima & I rode to school (went to congo’s [a local bakery] – had junk!) Big lunch got our ID Cards… it was the 1st lunch hour Mark did not spend with Tricia. Wow! (I still think he’s a spunk, but I’m still hurt so I feel kinda ignorant when he’s around ie: I ignore him) [Ha!] Bad News: Fi might be away for tomorrow’s swimming recreation. What will I do?? [There’s my clingy side…] I don’t want to go on my own (Trish hates me, and Astia I’m not sure about) megan & Linda are doing it too, but I don’t know exactly what they’re gonna do tomorrow. OH woe is me!! This arvy, mima & I had to get her references for her new job (checkout girl at Coles!!) Took ages. Then took them there, she had to do a test. Rode home slowly! mima having more troubles with Brent, SAD. 9:43
Bloody Dance. Sharon & I were the only ones there, more about that after… cold today. Fi ended up going to town with her mum – I went with Becca G (she’s doing swimming too) was rather fun (Bit upsetting seeing Tricia giving Mark a massage) Mark looked at me a lot today: Sharon & I sat in the sun (to keep her warm and he stood right near us!) Then at the dance… when I said Sharon & I were the only ones; I meant girls. All the guys were there. Everyone (except Cameron, David & Chris K) Sharon’s purpose there was to take photos. She had fun. I was in one with Duane & Nick R then … it had to happen. Mark came up & Sharon said “I want a photo of you two.” How fucking embarrassing. We stood near a brick wall, the light for the flash was heating up) and all Mark’s friends were standing in a big group nearby. They wanted us to put arms around each other but I said No. Straight out. (Didn’t say why) Trisha, dearie. [Who wants to see a photo of their boyfriend with his arms around another girl? I was actually being considerate ….but because it takes “two to tango” there was definitely also an element of self-preservation.] Also Sharon had more problems with Terry. [One of the guys interested in her, on whom she was not keen.] But Mark was searching for me in the hall in the beginning! He stood on chairs to look over the dancing mob. [and you KNOW this because…? Someone actually told you that was what he was doing?] It’s 11:30 one night I will never forget.
Fi and I rode today – we talked alot I told her about the dance (only told 4 others; Donna, Sandie, Moni, and Mima) Donna and Sandie were going to develop the photos at lunchtime – but couldn’t. (I want to get that photo so no one will see it) Anyway, I was quite depressed this morning, thinking I’d totally stuffed up my chances with mark until art (my picture’s looking’ good & that made me happy) But in chemistry, Cameron & I were talking; we got on to Mark. He was saying things and I was saying “I don’t care”. He said “if Mark dropped Tricia and asked you to go with him what’d you say?” “No” “What?” “No!” “Why?” “Cos he doesn’t like me” “Bull, he does so” .. “no he- doesn’t” “yes he does” “Nup” “Yes I should know.” “No, he doesn’t” … “Why not?” “Because (I couldn’t – didn’t have the guts to say that about him hurting me). because he just doesn’t. [Oh, the Fear! I want to go back and slap my young self!] 9:40 Is so freezing now finally!!
Oh I’m starting to feel a ‘want’ for Mark again. . . a real ‘want’, yet at the dance I was frightened (truly scared to death) about going to talk to him. I had wanted to be his friend first & make it go from there, but… it was like he avoided me this afternoon. I didn’t see him at all at big lunch. and he rode out the far gate after school. I really do like him – I think of how he smiled at me before the photo .. they didn’t process them today . . I’ve decided I’m gonna get them to process 3 for me (I’ll pay if I have to) so I can see them. [Three? Why three?] I want a picture of him, smiling. [I can’t help disclosing here it wasn’t the case, but more will be revealed in next week’s post…] It felt good, him standing so close to me for the photo. Felt good – I just wish. . . . Twinge of hope that he might “turn up” at Adrienne’s party. He won’t so I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Speech exam Tuesday I will fail. [Pessimism or Realism?] 11:05. Just watched the movie. Am rather tired. God, I really want Mark W….
Ow! My wisdom tooth’s coming up! Woke rather early… after Julia left with dad, I went to Mrs McI’s Did mostly nothing at all, helpful there. At home, I abused my voice I read my chapter out aloud; put on my walkman & sang aloud to the songs, [my poor mother, or whomever else might have been unfortunate enough to experience that] read my poem over & over, and read my chapter over & over again. Finished that utterly stupid english assignment & maths HW. Have only speech, art, english & chem. left now!! Ha! Didn’t go to Adrienne’s party. Mima said she was going at 7:00pm when I rang, Polly said she’d walked to Fi’s and they’d walked there ages ago. Nice, huh? [Feeling ‘left out’ is something that has pervaded my life – evidently more so in my youth – but I now view it as part of the building of my independence in adulthood. While it’s admirable, independence isn’t necessarily always positive: apart from the fact that feelings of loneliness can recur, it can translate to commitment issues – which I don’t think I have, by the way…] So I rang Justine (to see if she was going – she wasn’t) & Beka was there, so we had a very long talk (mostly me, about Mark). God that guy is great. Do I love him? Early night (well 9:45!) Thinking about Mark. He is so gorgeous. Do I love him?? I don’t think so. But it’s a mighty big crush!!!
Have now finished preparing all my speech items. (talk? yes!!) Just need to practise & practise & practise; flog myself!! About my othe[r] english assignment, I will ask Mr Grossetti if I can use my divorce survey (that is research) & will be easy for me. Otherwise, I pigged out, yet again. I really don’t know what’s gotten into me; my appetite is enormous. Also, from this past weekend, I have seen my schoolwork in a different view – I realise the importance of good grades & how much I need to work for them. I will (will I?) try to work harder to improve my grades. Also, thinking a bit about the party: wonder if by some chance, Mark was there. Oh, I wish things were different for us. (I really want that photo!!!) Oh Mark!! It’s 10:25. Movie should be finished soon – yes, now!! Gotosleep thinking about Mark. Yum