Did some art research; was rather fruitless, actually. Started a chem prac too. But that was it. I am very guilty – firstly about still not ringing Ms Marsland to find out whose [retailers in the city centre] windows we are decorating [for Fun In the Sun festival] and secondly, that I have not done ½ or even ¼ the amount of work I need to have completed before the end of the holidays. 3rdly – I ate one hell of a lot today – must lose weight. Mark, I think, was in my dream last night and, I think, the night before. I wonder if all his ‘appearances’ in my dreams lately have any relation to real life – I hope so – that its good. [A superstitious hope! I’ve come to believe that dreams are simply your subconscious’ method of processing & sorting the day’s thoughts, feelings & experiences. Simple. No prophetic value.] I really think (I’m hoping that) I’ll have a chance. He did care for me (a lot more than any other girl) once … I know. I think I know.. certain things point to it. [It’s nice to see my thoughts are not perpetually negative…] I watched TV, mucked around, ate, sang, listened to music and… bored, guilty Is 11:05. Nite!!
Today I did 2 chemistry pracs (well, 1½) and updated my school diary [decorating my diaries was an artistic habit I’d developed]. That’s about it. Aside from that I called Monique about Ms Marsland; she said there was no need to worry – Mrs Marsland didn’t even know what we were doing last week; she said (Michelle W told her) that Mrs Marsland wanted us to ring her in the last week anyway. Great. I watched no TV, but listened to music & tied my hair up in scarves. At first I attached 1 to my (tiny) piggy tail, then 2, then 4 then tonight I got big ones & plaited them – really long ‘dreadlocks’ looked excellent. [Hmm, interesting… considering dreadlocks don’t actually appeal to me…] Also mima & Brent came round in Brent’s mum’s car! (Brent driving) Wo! Funny!! I’m staying at Monique’s tomorrow night. (going to the beach with her tomorrow) & we’re going out. Gonna meet [privacy omission] etc at Croc. Rock. Dunno what time. Rage I will. [Yoda you be?!] 9:55. Mum’s birthday tomorrow & I forgot COMPLETELY. What am I going to do? Poor mum; I’m so terrible to her. [I always felt that mum “lived for” me and my sister, so I guess it’s almost ‘natural’ to feel bad about ‘forgetting’ her – she had never forgotten us. In this way, no one ever made me better aware of my selfishness or self-centredness – without doing or saying anything – than she.]
Woken up by Julia at 6:55, But too late mum had made her bed & had brekky. I made a card, [I only realised how much these little things meant to her when I found a bundle of them amongst her things after she passed away a couple of years ago] then packed for Monique’s and the beach. Felt guilty about being away on mum’s birthday. [There it is again – I can hear my thoughts now: “You’re a bad daughter not giving up some time for her when she does so much for you”] She dropped me to monique’s. Caught the beach bus (driver revved us about sitting – couldn’t see us) Had a rather good time – got burnt on shoulders & back – arms too. Not badly. Saw lotsa spunks – one group ‘taken’, another group (Martin G) too old & the other: alright! Alex L & 3 other guys. the one in the yellow singlet mmm! Looked at me!! Caught bus back to Gumtree corner – started walking home but Mrs P got us! Got ready about 8:00 onwards (slowly) Fi said they’d sneak out be there 11:00-11:30 Lucy not allowed at all. We went at 10:45. Martin G said they were coming 12:00-12:30. We saw Travers (not many people I knew AT ALL) Packed tho!! went outside & inside lots. saw Mark & Keith. Barely said anything it’s obvious he doesn’t like me. Finally Fi & jay came. Jay got in – Fi tried 4 times. Couldn’t get in. [Continued on the next page of the diary…]
… Fi, AnneMarie, Travers, Leanne, Judy went to Nighthawkes. Said they’d be back 2:30(. Monique didn’t want to go cos she told her mum she would be at Croc. Rock.)[Wow, her mum KNEW we were going ‘Out’?] so Jay her & I went in Smithy’s bar and had couple drinks when we came out Mark & Keith were gone. Waited & waited [for Fiona & Mima]. Decided at 3:15 to catch a cab & ring Anne-Marie’s place. Went there, but AnneMarie & them weren’t there. Left at 4:05 – Fi couldn’t go to AnneM.’s anyway = had to be home by 4 that morning. Got 6hrs sleep. at 10:45 Fi rang wanted to know if we’d like to go to the movies with her. (Monique said) we wouldn’t make it. When asked her how night was she wouldn’t answer- kept changing the subject. I assumed she’d got with Mark…I was so depressed. [Haha, talk about jumping to conclusions! Of ALL things, and ALL people!] But in town at 2:00, met her. She said her mum was there & she couldn’t talk about it. What they did was at 2:40, realised were late & got finally back to Croc Rock at 3:30 10MINS after we’d left. SHIT. Stayed there – then got home 4:45 (umah!) Walked to Coxen Chem. on way saw: Mark & Keith. Hoped didn’t see me. Am trying to give up on him. Got $50 [from dad] for mum (dad wasn’t there tho [so who gave it to me?]) & walked up town saw Jules. said mum cried cos I wasn’t there on her birthday & dad too – didn’t even call her. [Ah, so my thoughts weren’t far from the mark: my Guilt was justified] Really upset so out of town money [that is, my own] bought a red rose. Gave to her with $50. Is 9:55. Assignments tomorrow. Glad to be home. Am really depressed inside. Last 2 days were a total waste. [Really?] Had no fun at Croc Rock at all. Oh Mark. [Oh, Gawd]
Tried to do my work today. Got more of the same english assignment (I’ve been doing for months) down, but that was it. I watched a little TV, but spent most time trying to finish the assignment. Beka rang & I said I’d ring back cos I didn’t know still, whether to go or not due to my work. In fact, I rang Fi to see if they were going out. No. So I rang back Beka & told her I’d go. [Huh?] After cleaning my room, got ready. Went in around 6:10, walked round. Jay gave us a free gelati to share. (I had had no dinner and no money to buy any) saw TOP GUN again (with summer rental) EXCELLENT. Saw Peter H – was hoping (was I?) that Phillip was there – don’t think so. So that’s all. Found out also that [privacy omission here] aren’t going out saturday night either. So a boring end to the holidays. And I still have not completed the work needed to do. Is 12:30. Better get some sleep.
[The following is a tad confusing, but what basically happened (below) is that I forgot to write my entry on Saturday and just ploughed ahead on Sunday night, without realising that I had missed Saturday altogether and was writing in the ‘wrong space’. Did a quick ‘recap’ for Saturday on Sunday’s page…]
School tomorrow. And I have done none of the english I had to do. I am in BIG trouble. BIG BIG trouble. My own foolish, stupid fault. Woke around 8:15. Played monopoly with Beka & Lucy till they both left around 1030-11:30. the the James Hardie 1000 had started and I got interested in that. [Car racing I have NO time for now, and I believe the only reason I got ‘into it’ back then was a product of Sentimentality: reminiscent of the period in my life when Dad was still living with us, before my parents split. He tuned into the race every year, so watching or even just hearing it could trigger a range of thoughts & feelings] And Petra came over. And so I got nothing done. I am watching the movie now. (Wierd – (all that jazz)) should be asleep so I can wake early and finish my assignment. In a way I’m glad to go back to school. The only thing(s) wrong with it are (i) the work and (ii) I have to see Mark every day. I could forget about him (well, more than possible) on holidays cos he’s out of my sight (outa sight, outa mind) Is 10:20. How much longer’s this movie gonna be? Why do I have to go back and see Mark? Why? It’ll wreck my start (start in forgetting him)
Hey! I did this yesterday and forgot to do yesterday!
4th Sat: Did nothing all day – ate. Luc came round. She, Beka, me & Jules went to Pancake House for tea (got finished early & walked around town) came home at 10:30. Played Triv. Pursuit → mum & Geoff came home midnight. Got to bed about 1:30