Bad, Bad, Bad, Sad day. People were kinda thrilled about that night etc, kept saying things. [I’m assuming they were happy for me to have hooked up with the guy they all knew I’d been infatuated with for so long.] But my art…and my maths & english and …Mark….. I said “Hi” (he came early to school & mim & Fi & Judy weren’t on the bus) he just looked at me. At art, Fi & I saw them just walk into their room; Steven came out & talked. Mark didn’t. At big lunch he went off with Cameron, when he came back, I went. I was so confused – on the bus, I decided I’d ring Cameron. Yes, I did do it. Results: negative. E: I just want to ask you something about M… Does he still like me? C: Yeah, but he likes Nicole too. E: Oh, I see C: I thought it was pretty terrible what he did E: To me? C: Yeah. He was pretty drunk THAT EXPLAINS IT. WHY HE WAS SO HOSTILE AT FI’S … WHY HE DIDN”T TALK. [Oh is that all you were concerned about?] He doesn’t like me. I’m … SO SAD. But I am not crying… yet
It’s cold. I’m sad. I still cannot accept the fact that he does not like me as he ‘used to’. It’s not fair. I keep hoping; there is hope deep, deep down, but I’m hurting myself more: I’m disappointing myself. He talked to me today; Just a little in Biology… but I’m sure he likes Nicole. Maybe if I just get to be a good friend… what’s the use? Oh, it’s not fair. I like him so much. (Academically it was a good day) – (41/45 for bio test – what we talked briefly about – and 8/10 for my art folio – Both BIG surprises) Oh why…why couldn’t this have happened ages ago when he didn’t know Nicole. Damn it. If we were friends; if we could talk . . . I wish I could click my fingers & he would be flipped over me. [Happy endings aren’t a given in Life, and Magic? Well…keep dreamin’.] Didn’t ride – raining/cold. Speech – had a practise exam then walked to shop with Fi & mim. Ate. (Had no dinner. Have decided to diet) [typical female response to rejection?] 8:35.
I still cannot believe it. But he does like her, at least is ‘deeply’ infatuated; I said to Cameron after chem. today: “Did you tell Mark about the phone call?” C: Yeah Me: What’d he say? C: He didn’t think you liked him that much E: He must be thick, tell him he doesn’t have to pretend to like me or anything like with Trish.. [my assumption] C: He’s on a bit of a high – got a note from Nicole E: What’d it say? C: Just [that he’s] the most beautiful thing on earth etc. E: Oh. (He starts to walk off…) E: Cameron, I still want to be friends, even though I feel differently. And THAT was IT. Judy seems to think he likes me, but is “fascinated” by Nicole: she’s different; younger etc. She’s really nice. Judy, that is. She wants him to wake up cos I’m one of the nicest people… [Oh, sweet Judy. I’d forgotten that I’d had this much interaction with her…] Late for speech… I forgot. We rode today. Overcast. Mark was at swimming. God I wish everything was back to normal… 10:35. Watched the Movie. Oh woe is me. It’s not fair … the one guy – I s’pose not – there will be others. . . . . [this statement is almost uncanny… read on!]
I’ve still got Jemima’s swatch. [?] And I’m still depressed. But this afternoon I was more so than ever before. I had english exam (fail- it was so bloody hard) little lunch in 4th & cos of my chem. exam in big lunch, my big lunch in 5th period. And then Biology (I failed chem, too) I didn’t do HW so I’ve got detention tomorrow [for someone who NEVER had detention, I can see how this would have tipped me further into a depressive state]. And that’s just built up, a long with my depression over Mark. I was so withdrawn this afternoon; I even thought Mark was taking more notice of me. Don’t get your hopes up Liss. I could not believe how quiet I was. Talking as little as possible to anyone. Thinking/day dreaming all the time. I am changing. I am not me at the moment. I am sad and pity myself. I enjoy being alone, like this→ usually I enjoy the attention it attracts [the “what’s wrong?”s and “you can talk to me”s], but not anymore. [Smacks more of real depression…] This time, I really want to be left to myself. I am in deep. [LOL Drama Queen] 9:45
I feel fine when I’m not thinking about it, when he’s not in sight; but (like writing this) I get depressed thinking about it. [I obviously hadn’t yet learnt about the Power of Thought] certain things he does make me think (hope) that he does like me. But I must be pessimistic or I will be hurt more. Let off biology detention [phew]… went to art excursion, came back at beginning of lunch hour. . . other schools came & we sat thru 1½hrs (6th & 7th periods) of “chemistry in the kitchen”. Boring. Tania C & I laughed & mucked around. Got cheerier this arvy. Slow week, this was. Great! Must have fun this saturday – forget everything but first of all – HW & assignments. Must get ’em done. Also feel I want to clean out my desk. . . won’t have time, I bet. Probably won’t even get my eng. done this weekend either [almost being honest with yourself there, Liss!] OH well. Almost 9:30. Sleep & do HW then (??) At least I don’t see them together much, anymore (tho I know they are) That’s great. [Yes: out of sight out of mind]
I ate heaps. I watched TV, cleaned out some drawers and listened to music. And I also did not one scrap of HW. Although all I have is maths, english & speech, I have heaps of each (esp. eng & maths) And I have to go to Dad’s for at least a little while in the morning for Father’s Day. Tania came over this arvy . . . we rushed, but Fi & I got to the movies around 7:15; Tania was later. Saw “D.A.R.Y.L.” (what we did get to see) and “About Last Night” great movies. Anyway Mima & Steven & Polly & Anna & Sally & Danae were there too. Fi & I caught a taxi home (I had to pay – Fi had $1 left) Oh well. Now how’s that? Wonder what Mark & Nicole did tonight. No I don’t. I Don’t care. I don’t care. I’m tired. It’s 11:45. I want to get some sleep – don’t want to think about depressing things. Why do fools fall in LOVE?????
I am ashamed. I did no HW, whatsoever at all this weekend. That is terrible. Planted & gardened a bit with mum (Julia stayed at dad’s last night) we went to dad’s around 10:00 I think, but before we left – just before we left – the phone rang. Mum said “Its’ for you” I said “Sharon” she said “no, a male”. No, it was not Mark. It was Peter H. Ha Ha. Anyway he said his friend Phillip C thinks I’m cute & has for a long time – saw me at movies last night, at the chemistry lecture & at Trobruk Pool (last wednesday, I deduced it was) And he said “do you want to meet him?” No. let it be. I’ll just wait and see. [I was – and still am – totally averse to set-ups or blind dates. Anything contrived puts me right off. One of the (many) reasons internet dating is not for me.] (At Dad’s watched Weird Science on video & went to see the house he bought – could be nice with doing-up) Rang mima around 2:00, asked her about him. She reckons he’s cute – really tall (brown skin) was sitting with Rodney T at the chem. lecture & I didn’t see him. SHIT. Oh well – prob. is I still love Mark. Watched Romancing the Stone on TV tonite Great! Is almost 11:00. School work is YUK.