Romeo Rejections, Dogs In Space & a Police Raid (23-29 November)

Monday 23/11/87

Woken at 8:00, I got to Mark’s and kept on writing the letter, even thru’ our trip (with Cameron) into town & KMart. [I explained what this letter was all about in the previous post but to recap I was trying to pen something (‘massive’ …like a novel) for him to read on his overseas family holiday.] Back at his place, I finished it – 11 pages (not bad considering the time I had)). At the airport, we waited, had a drink. Was kinda sad .. only 3 or 4 kisses (1 long-ish) before he left. Would’ve loved to go with them. [Was it even an option? I mean, apart from being unable to afford it, I don’t even remember being invited…] EUROPE! Imagine it?!!? Wow, I’m so tired. It’s after 12:30. I need sleep badly. Not really missing Mark – had fun without him tonite. [So you’re not as dependent as you thought you were?] A Life in WordsJo rang (well I rang her) at home & we went into town & walked around. I saw Stewart – I know he would’ve seen us- I avoided him …(god, I wish I hadn’t lost that friendship. I do like him more also, I know) Jo came to my place. Reddy [a deliberate misspelling] & went to hair show practise. At awards, Jeffry M actually talked to me, but was trying to con on to CB obviously. Found out thru mima – [privacy omission]‘s got a reputation at Saints and also a rumour that Mark got back with me before he went away so I’d remain faithful to him. Well, if I got a chance at the BIG TIME Stewart or PHILLIP) too bad, Marky!! [Beyond the obvious fickleness and superficiality, this comment bespeaks of indignation (if the rumour was true, how dare he?) and further, a desire for ‘justice’ – or retribution (if the rumour was true and if the opportunity arose, “….you’re history”…] After, went to Backpackers – but mainly SCANDALS. Chris H dropped me home.

Tuesday 24/11/87

Busy day! Rang Fi around 10:15 – (got up at 9:20, or so – long sleep I needed) She picked me up around 10:45, 11:00. We (Mima & Fi & I) went into town.. did nothing spectacular: put film in to be processed . . .  looked around Hilton shops. Went to Earlville for a little while, then (dropping off to get my togs) went to Crystal’s. Sunbaked (so hot!!) only a little while – the shade from trees came quickly. Leaving, NSW guys “dragged” us on Intake Road (oh! Fi let me drive to Crystals [good god, that was dangerous Fi!] -part the way -was good, but gear changes at beginning were – um – funny) […in other words, not great…] Saw David at Redlynch shop, Went to Esplanade Rang mum told her what I was doing (on answering machine). Went to indoor soccer. Cameron V.B’s nice (but Aaron K’s body – YUM!) Saw Cameron, then home by 7:30. Mum & Julia not -house unlocked, no note; I worried [about them] but they came saying Mr B died this morning (cancer) & they went to briefly see Mrs F .. stayed for tea (coffee). I Watched TV tonite. It’s 10:00- I need sleep for tomorrow night BIG nite out! (Hope Phillip’s there. Or Stuart or Cameron’ll (V.B.) do!) Gam On!! [Wow, I thought I’d long outgrown that word! “Gammon” was a term we inherited from Aboriginal & Islander kids at primary school and had a myriad of different meanings A Life in Words(as the Macquarie Dictionary – and Urban dictionary, see pic – confirms) but pretty much all connoting untruth or unreality… In this particular instance I’d’ve meant “As if!”] Mm! Sleep! Gonna get brown & skinny & blonde, I am!! everyone practically says “so are you missing Mark?” I hate to say yes, but feel like a bitch saying NO. [The agony of independance and pride versus compassion and potential judgement by others…]

A Life in Words
The advent of digital cameras (still a decade away at this point in time) erased the pain of ‘memories lost’ due to the sometimes problematic photography equipment on hand the 80’s.

Wednesday 25/11/87

SO HOT! Woke around 8:00…rang Jemima around 9:30 – said Fiona was spending the day with Jason & she wanted to stay home, so I prepared to spend a day at home alone, myself. I sunbaked briefly (& it went a bit red tonite, too!) Mum came home – I got dressed, we dropped Julia at school & I picked up photos- my 36 exp. [exposure] film was … totally BLANK. I was so mad with myself – all those great shots of Monday night, down the drain. [You youngsters will never know this pain; one of the best technological developments ever was the digital camera. It is however arguable whether that function added to mobile phones has been all positive…] SHIT. But the “last day of school” photos are excellent! […I must have put two separate cannisters of film in for processing?] I went to Sahara – tried on my bikinis and had 2nd thoughts- I look disgusting in 2 piece [We are our own worst critics, and I was. Yes okay, I still can be…] (I am so hot) Glyn, Chris & Cameron visited me at home: I was putting the photos in albums. Lazed afternoon away: phone calls to & from people Got ready; mima took me to Jude’s & her dad took us to town. We caught a taxi to the Hill & [privacy omission] only got asked for I.D. Inside there were quite a few but not too many people we knew. We weren’t really raging .. I had an explosion with Jude – didn’t do anything .. then I saw him (with Jemila talking) – (Jeff M & Phil N were there too) PHILLIP C! I went up & talked a little .. then we went & sat near his friends. I talked to Deanne & he went away→

Thursday 26/11/87

→ said ‘Bye’ and kind of held up his hand in a wave. Great! “He doesn’t like me” ..so I went and found Jude & Joannah & I complained. [It’s just wrong that you can’t have everything you want in Life, isn’t it?] But somehow, I found him again. (dancing!) and I stuck with him for the rest of the night! Talking (sitting) The best I got was a brief hold of his hand before a dance.. I tried but he wasn’t responding [oh this is painful!] (doesn’t he like me or doesn’t he know how to act?) [I’ve since learnt it’s pretty much always the former: it becomes pretty easy to discern whether or not someone is really “into you”…] Well outside (he was walking home to a friend’s place) he gave me one little kiss on the lips and said “just get in the car!” [And there it is…] So I did. A Life in WordsThis morning I woke at 10:30.. did nothing till I rang Jo. She came round & picked me up. At her place (I met Sara) we watched “DOGS IN SPACE” (a really poor recording) then went to her dad’s office – to make lots of phonecalls about Kelvin Grove interviews (& her folio) we waited till about 5:30 before Sara came then to Earlville : [privacy omission]! Then out to pick up Mrs C. [privacy omission] had the biggest row in the car .. at Smithfield, Saw Stewart. I didn’t speak .. we were late back to the car ..another fight! At Jo’s place- another fight! [Privacy omission] made dinner, but dropped the dish as she was carrying it out to the table – really upset her. Played cards after a (make-shift) dinner: then fell asleep on the

Friday 27/11/87

→horrible, hard loungeroom floor. Woke so much during the night. Jemima rang & invited Jo (she didn’t know I was there) to her place for a swim (with Cameron, Chris, Glyn, Brent & Fi) then lots of phone calls – one from Stewart. I only talked for 2 mins. I think.. “if I see you out, I see you out”. “Definitely” he said. So I wasted much of the morning playing patience [aka the card game Solitaire. My mum had always called it Patience…] while Jo was in the phone. then Fi came & picked me up after 11:00-11:30 sometime. Watched end of GOLDEN CHILD then Chris, Cam, Glyn, Fi, Mim & I went to Crystals. was really nice – I got burnt – but not so bad it’ll peel… Chris had to leave early for a driving lesson: Cam, mima & I waited for Fi & Glyn’s return (the bitches went to KFC) [!! LOL] at Mima’s Glyn had to leave – but we sat in the pool “playing games”. Then they dropped me home first. I rang Sharon, then Jo. Fi rang said she’d find us in town. Sharon got to my place (I was freaking out about what to wear.) [That used to happen regularly] In town – boring – we went to watch the HILTON OPENING FIREWORKS. Lotsa tonnesa people there!A Life in Words Met Cam & Chris .. we all went to KFC for tea. Then picked up Glyn (dropping off Cameron) At HOTH, [security] were really strict [about identification] (let us sign the book) […this basically being a registry of club patrons’ (who failed to produce satisfactory identification) personal details – Statutory Declarations – which the venue could use to absolve itself of responsibility in the event of a subsequent legal matter.] got a stamp. Rumours that→

Saturday 28/11/87

←there was gonna be a raid . . . boring to start with (I saw that Darren S guy) [a drunken pash candidate from a few weeks back] Finally “upstairs” opened: still no people. Around 12:00, Sharon & I sat with these older guys she knew, and there came the Police. [Two or three uniformed, if I recall correctly] I was a little nervous, but it was fine. Sharon nicked off after that & I got pissed off [with her]. Stewart was there. I stood with him and Smithfield mob – Shane L, Matthew, Axel & his friend Phil, when the Pigs came back in – Sharon virtually “ran” away. I stayed put & they didn’t give me a second glance. Eventually I talked to Stewart (after dancing with Shane) and he couldn’t give a reply. . told him all I felt (in brief – I wasn’t even the slightest bit drunk) [oh dear, really?] and he said he could still fall in love with me, […Liss, if it hasn’t happened by now…] but basically (I made him tell me before he left) [hey, everyone needs closure right?] he chose not to. Just be good friends, really good friends. [Oh E, it’s been obvious for SO long…] So Sharon (got with Steve from the Intern. Hostel.(!!)) & I got a lift home. I woke around 10:00 to a phone call from her. my throat so sore. Jo rang & I had a penecillan. A Life in Words[Yeah, no worries …just randomly pop an antibiotic pill whenever you feel like it. I don’t remember Mum having such a diverse collection of pharma at home.] Bludged the rest of the day: Mike came over in the afternoon – left & came back for dinner. Mima & everyone picked me up just after 8:00. Went (picked up Peter & Colleen) to Esplanade (saw Sharon very briefly & were bible-bashed!!) Party was MASSIVE .. so many people! We went & got VODKA Colleen & I  & I had orange .. Having an excellent time (I’d rung Phillip twice before – he was at the party) & I found out Phillip likes Kate H [I’d gotten the surname wrong…]

Sunday 29/11/87

→the guy (whose place he stayed at Wed. nite) sister. (Gr 10, or so). We talked, anyway (shortly) The party ended at 10:50. cause someone vomitted upstairs. So angry! It was such an excellent party.. so we went in search of irene St one ..Jason P told me Mark R likes me. Ha! [Ironic because I’d had a crush on him a few years back…] I was pretty drunk. Funny- I said “he doesn’t remember me” ..he said “well he dragged me round trying to point you out….” la-de-da! So that party was rather dead, too.. then I fell asleep in Fi’s car on the way home (stopped at 24Hr Serv. Stn). Woke late, round 10:00 this morning & bludged the day, till just after 2:00 (after phone calls to Jo…) I waxed my armpits, then mum drove me to Palm Cove.. Jo shut the shop for 5 mins – we got an ice-cream & went to see the surf-carnival, [knowing there’d be some hot bods there… and some of particular interest…] but discovered on the way it was over (heard the loudspeaker presentations) at shop again – waited outside ..saw Fi, mima, Sue, brent & talked ages to Crabbie. Phillip apparently went past in the McM’s car. At home, rushed ate tea & mima & fi & I went to Drive In. A Life in WordsPolice Academy IV made me sick.. the idea’s wearing very thin. The LOST BOYS was excellent (unbeknown to us, beforehand, it was a horror movie about vampires) […well I wouldn’t really class it as a horror film now…] Scared us shitless! But was excellent (my door slammed shut for no reason & we packed it!) [“Packing it” refers to fright. It seems to be a lesser known slang phrase we used since I can’t find the exact context for it, even in the Urban Dictionary. I guess it may correlate to pooping (packing) your pants with fear..?] I stayed mima’s (Fi, her & me talked about old times for ages, then Fi took Brent home.)

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Stevie Wonder, Fisticuffs & The Sleaze (9-15 November)

Monday 9/11/87

A Life in WordsStevie Wonder was excellent! [I saw him twice on this day: he made a special appearance at our school and then I attended his concert …] Today was really good! Got Jo, and at school took last photos, wasted remaining exposures [on ourselves, see right]– folios [proper commercially manufactured ones] not suitable + too expensive (saw Mr. W) late for parade! Everyone loved my new shoes! Bludge in chem & maths. Didn’t see Mark at little lunch. Double art I raced around getting my folio completed – at lunchtime went to the hall. with Cameron, Chris Glyn, Brett, Jo, Justine, Fi & Mima – a laugh waiting for Stevie to arrive. [I don’t know for sure, but I’ve always assumed that Stevie Wonder’s appearance at our school was directly related to the bus accident: a compassionate response by the man. At the time however a reason wasn’t warranted; we were pretty darned excited simply because international stars rarely visited Cairns, let alone to our school.] Stuart smiled at me & I didn’t know what to do after I smiled back – I was really embarrassed! He [Stevie] finally came around 2:00 and talked & sang (a little) till 3:00 (missed eng & biol – yay!) Only talked to Mark a little after school. Picked Jo up around 5:45. . pizza tea. Not many people we knew at the concert – not many people full stop- but they made the noise of a big crowd!! At the end I saw a guy who talked to me (really cute) I think it was James from Playpen. see – I can’t really remember what they both looked like [uh, yeah: this is but one of the many effects copious amounts of alcohol will have upon you] – but he was cute!! YUM YUM Jo’s flipped! [as in, she thought he was very attractive too…]

Whilst I actually can’t recall whether Stevie sang “I Just Called to Say I Love You” during his appearance at our school, I had to include it because it holds the most sentiment for me: firstly – and of less relevance – I think of it as my father and stepmother’s anthem, since they met around the time it was released in 1984 and I remember Dad literally singing it on the phone to Jenny at some stage (I’m fairly sure it was also their wedding song). But at our 20th Year School Reunion (2007) our principal performed an amazing operatic rendition for us (unbeknownst to many of us he was a classically trained singer) not merely because Stevie’s historic visit was a highlight of our senior year, but also for the lyrical sentiment.

Tuesday 10/11/87

talked to Mark a fair bit today. And Stuart, well, it’s really wierd – I’M SHY!! [People still don’t believe this about me, to this day. I am inherently shy.] I can’t bring myself to even look at him, in case he looks at me. But I’d really like to talk to him. Shit. I can’t believe exams start on Thursday & I haven’t even begun to study. All my artwork’s done now (marked too) Oh, I forgot to ring Jo – [she] was away at Fitzroy with Mark [‘her’ Mark, not ‘mine’]. Talked a lot in biol. chris reckons some St’s guys said I was going out with Trevor G. No way! “I barely know the guy.” Chris said “Well, they know you!” SKINT! [At the time, I was more chuffed than confused: “guys I didn’t know, knew of me? Wow!” But retrospectively, I sense this could have had a kind of unsavoury edge to it: I mean, how would a rumour about me ‘dating’ a guy I hardly knew begin to circulate? Had I gained a reputation of ‘some kind’?] Watched the water polo today – Mark in it. What an arse that guy has!! Lost my diamonté bracelet sometime from 7th p. chem. till when I got home (we dropped cameron home this arvy) Great, huh?! […sarcasm about the loss of my bracelet, not ‘elation’ for giving a mate a ride home…] I’m so tired – that’s the only reason I haven’t studied – nearly fell asleep this arvy. Mark rang to find out what prac. it was we had to do for 2 morrow. V. short phone call. We still need to have that “talk” yet, I wonder!!! So tired tonite – I can’t wait! 10 days till it’s all over! (& that’s including days I don’t have exams!) WOW! Great! [I’m surprised I was so eager for the end of school, considering I had no set plans for the future. I think I was more focussed at this point in time on the post-school, pre-Christmas partying I had imagined there would be. Like school holidays but with a more significant sense of freedom. *Sigh* So short-sighted…]

Wednesday 11/11/87

A Life in Words
The back of my skirt was just as – if not more – messy than this…

Today was quite exciting! Our last working day at school. Actually, I didn’t feel emotional at all.. I just had fun running round doing things we don’t normally do – signing each other’s clothes [see my school skirt above] -signing walls tables, etc getting photos taken – doing no work despite exams! Rearranging rooms & furniture! I talked a fair bit to Mark today. He gave me a note – I was speechless after I read it. I don’t understand what he’s trying to say- he realizes he needs me, he thinks I’m changing too fast .. he can’t understand me. Oh dear – we need a talk (big talk) soon. Wonder if that’s what he was going to say on Saturday night He doesn’t talk to Nicole anymore – wonder if he said anything to her? he loves me & needs me. I can’t believe he needs me. Anyway it’s almost 12:00 – I’ve been studying english – I must do well in this – I need to get over 82% Mark wanted to fight Stuart W. today. Why? But everyone’s saying he’s signing his own deathwish – Stuart’s black belt in karate. Well! Looks like TD & him are back together. Stewart P. drove by school this arvy. I had so much fun esp. this arvy.

A Life in WordsThursday 12/11/87

It happened today- Mark & Stewart fought – end of little lunch (after my disgustingly difficult english exam- so much for a VH overall! That was some hard test!) I nearly choked on my hot dog – Mark’s shirt was destroyed- had a blood nose. Why were they fighting? [I never found out. Or if I did, I can’t remember why, but I’m fairly sure that it bore no relevance to me …to my knowledge.] FOOLS. God, I don’t understand… [you wouldn’t Liss, physical combat is a testosterone thing…] we didn’t get to talk today, but before he left, I talked to him briefly- was being very nice. I rang mum – answering machine on. Sat & waited, & waited & waited. At home did 1st chapter – all arvy. Is now almost 11:30 and I’m nearly  totally unprepared for the rest of the exam. I so badly need to do well in it. SHIT! Mark actually rang this arvy – wanted to come around to have that talk, but I was studying. [Damn, you may have had a better chance of discovering the reason for the fight…] He’s coming over 2morrow – after his geog. exam. [I’m] Nervous! Bloody biol. It’s not fair – if only I’d not been so pushed for time, I could’ve started earlier like I’d wanted to. [Um, if you hadn’t been partying like a rockstar for the past four-to-five weeks…] Shit, shit, shit! Am so tired now Please do me a big favour God- let me do exceptionally well in biol- it’s my last hope. See ya 2morrow. Can’t wait for next week!

Friday 13/11/87

Biol wasn’t too bad after all .. I’ll pass it, no sweat, but will I do well enough? That’s the question. It seemed pretty easy, tho’. I didn’t talk too much to Mark today… I didn’t go home straight after the exam either. In fact we waited around till about 2:00! (BORING!) Went for drive (mima had the brown alfa for the day!) Fi dropped me home, where I waited for Mark to come around. I rang his place just after 4:00 and Sandra said he was out .. he rang back at 5:35! I told him I was going out so I’d ring him tomorrow. Well, Jo & I were very late – about 7:45, but thankfully, so was everyone else. [I am only guessing when I say this may have been a dinner for our CAD art class… I can’t imagine what else it could could have been. More detail in future Liss, please!] I had 2 cocktails, and we’d only gotten thru’ 3 courses before everyone started making speeches and crying etc. [Crying? …sounds like our art class…plied with alcohol…] So we all left. At Playpen Jo realized she lost Robbie’s watch and wasn’t happy. Met Angie & we went to Croc. Rock. More people there, but not necessarily a rage. A Life in WordsI was so and I mean so drunk – was really off my face – don’t remember quite a few things, except this sleazy guy who (his friend) drove me home & wanted me to “suck him off…” […and this is exactly the kind of thing parents would fear. The intoxicated girl brushes it off in her sense-impaired state, but what if that ‘sleaze’ had been more aggressive? Oh the risks we take in Life… By the way, in case there was a shadow of a doubt, I certainly didn’t fulfill his wish…]

Saturday 14/11/87

I’ve got lovebites from him. YUK. [Perfect: an unavoidable, (temporary) physical reminder of what getting “off your face” can do to you. The question is, was your lesson learned?] So after stumbling to bed, then to the loo to vomit, slept till about 8:30 (??) Cameron & Glyn came over after weights, for a short while, then Jo rang around 10:00. I rang Mark after that. He said he couldn’t come over – Sandra had the car. Said he’d come when she bought it home. So I did nothing – slept, veged (still drunk!) He came, we didn’t say anything to start with He is sort of going out with [privacy omission]. He won’t say he is- it’s a completely “Physical” relationship. I felt so sick. The talk I feel was fruitless, pointless. [Why? Because you didn’t hear what you wanted or expected to hear?] I wasn’t one bit resolved [the most powerful resolution is the one You make for yourself: there was certainly revelation during this talk… for all your analyzing abilities, could you not reach a resolution for yourself, by yourself?] and after he left (we’d agreed to be friends & build it up, even try before he left [for an overseas family holiday]) But I can’t. Not while I know he’s [privacy omission]. Jo rang, otherwise I did nothing went to bed 7:30 – slept from about 9:30 on. Shit, I can’t do it. I need someone – I’m so dependant – so dependant [this is painfully clear] – God it hurts to know they’re together. I’m gonna have to talk to him Monday or ring him tomorrow – tell him I can’t do it. It’s killing me.

Sunday 15/11/87

Woke around 9:00 – almost 12hrs of sleep! WOW! But it was a little restless, this sleep. Really depressed a lot of the day -didn’t feel like studying – didn’t care. [Excessive alcohol consumption + a negative experience = certain depression] It’s 9:10 now- I’ve had coffee so it’s useless going to bed. So I may as well study_lot of good that’ll do me. I’ll fail anyway. I really don’t give a fucking shit anymore. Not a shit about anything. I might as well curl up and die. Mima visited tonite, Jo rang this morning, I rang Fi twice & I saw Gordon at Licks when we went to get Pizza for dinner. Wishing Well’s on now. [Another Terence Trent D’Arby song (see below). I was so ‘attached’ to his album…] So what? God I’m pissed off. I’m so sick of life. I hate school & I hate work & I hate myself and I hate Mark. That’s a lie. I hate what he’s done to me. I hate him getting his own way all the time. I can’t let him have it all the time. [So…….] What about me? He doesn’t care – just make himself happy Jo said Stewart didn’t say much about me_ _said he’d been keeping in touch (LIE) said he’d ring me – he WON’T. [Wow, I really got dem ‘bad feels’…]

A Gas Explosion, ASAT Rehearsals & Something is Up (17-23 August)

Monday 17/8/87

Had a really good sleep last night – long! I woke around 9:30 today. (and spent nearly all day in bed anyway). [Still ‘off sick’ from school?] Still didn’t do any of my english assignment ..nor any study for my biology exam. But I’m taking tomorrow off, too: Nana’s funeral is at 10:00 – then at home I’ll have to get myself into gear & really work. [Uh-huh…] I did feel much better today – the chest region is much less blocked & I’m coughing a lot less. I only feel “off-colour” now & then, esp. when I eat, although I do have some sort of appetite back (I’ve lost 2kgs since I got sick!) [Yep, reducing caloric inatke will usually do that…] still can’t believe Mark was “worried” about me. He said that Sunday (after the Smithfield formal party) he couldn’t play baseball, because he was sick with grief at the thought that I’d leave him when I heard about him & Angela. I’m extremely flattered (for once!) [Oh my god.] In a way, it worries me, though. I don’t know if he’s over it yet. [You’re misreading your gut instinct…] BIG gas explosion in town today near Mike’s work – we heard it here!! A Life in Words[Freshwater (where we lived) is approximately 10 kilometres from the explosion site and there’s a mountain range separating them so that’s pretty impressive. (…but what do I know about explosions?) It was the result of an LPG storage unit catching fire and killed one person, injuring twenty-seven. Here’s a link to a public government record of the incident. There’s not a great deal of detail, but the comments provide some perspectives.]

Tuesday 18/8/87

Am feeling much better today. Eating is a bit easier – don’t feel as ill when I eat (ate a lot today!) I still cough – but only ’cause’ of the chest phlem. [Yep, I spelled it wrong] Still, I get very tired. I had to rest a number of times today & actually had a sleep. Nana’s funeral was at 10:00. It was quite short & I didn’t cry. I can’t. Because I’m happier that she’s gone – she’s not in pain ..she’s with grandpa at last, too. [I’d never known my maternal grandfather – he’d passed away during my mother’s childhood.] It’s a little sad thinking about how she was, knowing I won’t see her again, but I’m just glad she’s resting in peace. I just wish she didn’t go out the way she did..that’s the sad part. [I’m not exactly sure what I meant there – whether it was referring to the ‘humiliation’ of being a morphine ‘vegetable’ or the rheumatoid arthritic disease experience as a whole. Either way, the attitude I’d developed towards death is obvious: not afraid of Death itself, but the way in which we meet it. A Life in WordsPrior to the bus accident, I’d always believed the only way to ‘go’ was to pass peacefully in your sleep (being unconscious of it). After the accident, experiencing firsthand the power of Shock; the body’s incredible hormonal response to immense trauma, to ‘thwart’ the conscious Mind, I’ve come to realise that the death experience can be – if not ‘peaceful’ – at least ‘tolerable’ in wider range of scenarios. Nana effectively died peacefully because the morphine interfered (greatly) with her consciousness.] Mark didn’t ring again tonight. I’m sure now something’s still up. I have a strong feeling he’s letting me go (cos he thinks I don’t love him.) He is all I think about! [That ‘strong feeling’? Listen to it.] All the aunts (Joy, Nancy & Ruth) + Cynthia & Dougie stayed all day. Hilary is going home tomorrow: stopping in Brisbane to scatter Nana’s ashes (hopefully with grandpa’s) Is 9:43. Take tomorrow off [school – that’s been quite awhile, now…] to study biol & do my eng. assign. (I’m still too tired in the day to go back) [oh I see…]

Wednesday 19/8/87

What a waste! I’ve written 2 sentences on my assignment & done no biol. study, watsoever! [Surprise, surprise!] A Life in WordsI read Julius Caesar today, but that was about all I did. I’m going to die tomorrow- I’ll be so behind- this weekend I’ll really have to knuckle down & work (HA, HA) [Even I don’t believe myself!] Mr. G will kill me. Oh dear; that’s all I can think about. Auntie Hilary left today (I ate so much today) was rather hot, too. Auntie Joy’s going tomorrow. It looks like we’re off to Brisbane for xmas!! (Great! Hope I can go while mark’s out of town) Wish Fi could come, or something. She’s having trouble with Jemima (it’s got to do a bit with me & everyone really) she’s just sick of all the Grade 12’s. – sitting with Yr 11 girls. Fi came round this arvy to talk – she got her lisense today! Still no call from Mark. Am hesitant about seeing him tomorrow. Will everything be O.K.?? Will have to get up early, I suppose, to do my english. Great. SO DAMNED BEHIND!

Thursday 20/8/87

Got over my assignment hassle O.K (didn’t get it finished – just talked my way out) But was supposed to have it done for tomorrow’s double lesson- & of course just like me, I didn’t bother to do any (any HW for that matter) of it. Will have to wake early tomorrow again to finish it Have only just under one page to write. Barely saw mima or fi for that matter but I know they weren’t together. Had ASAT [Australian Scholastic Aptitude Test] practise tests today. [These national exams are meant to determine each Australian students’ achievement at the completion of secondary schooling. Their applicability is becoming a societal discussion of late.] I only got 15 questions answered, but of those, I got 11 right! (Hope I can do as well, or better in the real ones) [Duh…] Read my ’83 & 84 diaries this arvy – so funny some of the things. [….try reading them in 28 years later!] 10:35 – yet another late nite. I told Jo about Adam M’s friend that likes me & she said “Philip N” I said “WHAT?” she said “He works with Philip..” my god that would be totally incredible. [Obviously I misheard Jo and got excited… a little crush, ya think?] Barely saw Mark at all – talked even less. I’m sure something’s still wrong. A Life in WordsGot Cabaret [Cairns High’s musical for the year] tickets- will pay Nigel tomorrow. Had to do thing about Monique for the Euroka this arvy- (Got photos of my leg too) Nigel read my eng. assign. on her & cried (I got 19/20 for it) [I don’t remember that… jeez, I wish I still had it… as well as all those photos of my leg…] am worried about Mark.

Friday 21/8/87

It’s 11:00. Can’t wait for tomorrow night! Got my english done (not before school as I’d planned, but during my english lesson. OK. finish, not great tho’.) Barely talked to Mark again… I’m positive something’s up: the same something as we talked about? I don’t know, but it gives me the shits. Tried to ring tonight (for once) but he was at Keith’s – too bad! I watched the movie & am now “dead”!! Tomorrow night’ll be ace! Cameron & I fighting in chem – he kicked me in the same place (left shin) 2 times- now I have a very sore lump (egg) [My shins have always been super-sensitive. I bruise really easily everywhere and often don’t know how I get a lot of them, but my shin bones… there’s NO way I’d be clueless about any damage sustained to them…] went into town with Jo & Fi after school …stayed in there for ages- Mr C dropped me home. Looking at all the great clothes (& shoes) in there (drool, drool) P.C.supp. (car) [← but I have absolutely NO idea what this cryptic wording means. I’m wondering if it’s related to the other Phil I had an interest in; Phil C.? Maybe I glimpsed him in a car? Pfft, who knows?] Bludge day, really. Pretty cool weather (about 27ºC) fine (sunny) I eat too much (fattening stuff) Must do lotsa HW tomorrow. Think I know who/that “guy” is. yukky Year 11 CAD guy. (I think that might be him cause I’ve noticed he’s nearly always around) YUKKY Mark, please get over this “phase”… it’s awkward for me. [LOL.] TIRED!

Saturday 22/8/87

A Life in WordsThe day at home was boring .. I listened to records/tapes while doing my art (weaving) – no HW (set HW) done Beautiful weather. . a little cloudy. Fi visited me late this arvy (Mark rang and it wasn’t a good phone call seemed so bored.. I felt really down after it) to borrow my black shirt. My hair was tied in rags [to create the messy wavy-crinkly look that was so hot back then!] (looked funny) Ran late of course: dinner at 7:15 – they came when I was just taking the rags out. CABARET was cool! Mark didn’t seem impressed. In fact he didn’t seem anything. I really don’t know what to do. Anyway I felt sick during last part (after interval) right up until 1:00 or so.. I lay in Fi’s car, then in Peter’s room. [There must have been an after-party…] I’m sure I was just sick from worry about Mark. [That’d be no surprise…] Jason got him to come in & we talked a little.. he thinks nothing’s happening.. so he left the room & I came out soon after .. just as well I did when I did because we left for the St. Monica’s party (Deena B) soon after (& Fiona was gone somewhere…

Sunday 23/8/87

→ I saw her ages later at the party. It was just as boring really. .had to pay for drinks etc (I couldn’t be bothered) I hung around Mark a lot in an attempt to change what has been happening all last week & the week before : that is: nothing. But I still got the feeling he didn’t want me near him. [What a waste of energy] I was especially upset when I showed him some affection & he totally ignored it. I left with Fi, very confused & slightly angry. – very hurt. Got home around 5:30, after hearing about Jo’s, Fi’s, Brendan L’s & Jason’s “problem” [??] wasted the whole day – weeping & thinking about mark. He rung in mid-afternoon. We had a very long D&M (deep & meaningful) was it meaningful? Um, yeah I guess. [….and? what? Clearly no resolution…] Tania visited just a few minutes ago (holidays from uni …didn’t know what to say) […well your sociability would have been compromised by your emotional state…] mark’s going through a “nonchalant” phase: not caring about anything. A Life in WordsI’ll just have to sit it out .. be patient as always. & hope it’ll pass soon. We talked a lot about breaking up & that worries me. [It must have been my tenacity, my resolve to not be ‘the ‘bad guy’ – the one to call it quits. I mean, it’s as obvious as a punch in the face that he wanted out, surely? I was clearly gullible, but not stupid.] NITE.

Coincidences, Cover Songs & the Sleepover Toga Party (13-19 October)

Monday 13/10/86

Didn’t think Mark was coming – was surprised when I saw him (with Steven) walking to art. Went into town (Cominos arcade) period 3, little lunch, periods 4,5 and big lunch to paint windows. I did 2. Boring. I forgot to bring something to change into. Oh well – I had to wear a nightie to cover up!!! Ha Ha! Saw little of Mark. I don’t care. [Uh-huh] Angie’s party is a toga party..!!! Ragey! And its invitations too – only those invited can get in. Is 10:10 ..waiting for Clive James to come on. Am tired – but I want to watch it. Mr Grossetti didn’t crack about my english Just ‘showed a little concern.’ Hot today My work I am so behind in. I am not  motivated – can’t get interested in school (I guess cos I’m lost – don’t understand anything that I’m doing) It’s on now. Dunno what else to say so Ni, Nite!!!A Life in Words

Tuesday 14/10/86

Mark came late again today but what do I care? Had to do painting again today – lunchtime, p6 & 7. Went late cos Donna & I had to hand in our biology pracs. (still don’t know what I got for that test.) Also have a chem test on Thurs. MUST study. Angie’s party’ll be unreal! Tops! Trying out toga outfits this arvy […despite the massive amount of schoolwork you keep mentioning you’re falling behind in…] Dunno what to wear. Am allowed to sleep over!! Hot today. Finished painting about 3:10 & rushed back to school (made it in about 10 mins! Ran a lot) Am tired. Got little sleep last night Did no HW again this arvy. [Yeah, you already mentioned you played toga-dress-ups instead] Slack, huh? I must try – esp. maths & chem – my biggest problems – maths even more so. Oh well. >SIGH< Is about 9:15. Early night, see if I can get a full night’s sleep. Wanna get a haircut before Angie’s party, too.

Wednesday 15/10/86

Is 9:50. Wanna get to sleep after a quick read over my chemistry text – gotta wake really early (eg: 5:30) to study. I should’ve (would’ve) done it this arvy but speech!! I was in the mood. [Ha! Always an excuse] I have maths + chem + bio + art + english HW. Chem + art + maths was necessary. A Life in WordsOh well. Will try at school tomorrow. My hopes are up that he likes me again. I’VE GOT TO DISBELIEVE. His fav. songs according to Fiona (“he told her”) are Venus (& coincidence(??)) and My Favourite Waste of Time (another coincidence (??)) [I’m not sure exactly why these are coincidences. Bananarama’s ‘Venus’ was my favourite song to dance to, and I think Owen Paul’s ‘My FavouriteWaste of Time’ held lyrical sentiment (click here if you don’t know, or can’t remember this song) – well, ya gotta admit, thinking about Mark did seem to take up a lot of my time? I think I was a bit more ‘superstitious’ then, than I am now. One coincidence for certain is that both of these songs were covers.] strange. Rode today (was hot) got an official invit. from angie today. Replied straight away. I can’t wait!! Must catch up in work. 6 sea shells due Mon. 3:15. CAN’T WAIT FOR ANGIE’S PARTY!!!! For some strange reason, I HOPE CAMERON’S GOING. He’s cutie; got his haircut – is really short. [Wtf? Where did this sudden interest come from?]

Thursday 16/10/86

My hopes are too high. I must think negative. Meanwhile I’m wondering if Cameron’s going. (if he was even invited) Hope he is – that’s someone to talk to. [Oh god girl, you are confused!] Can’t wait!!! Chemistry exam today – I think (I’m sure) I passed – that’s something to be thankful for. Actually did some HW – a little bio & art, too. But not much at all. Will have to work like buggary tomorrow arvy cos I won’t have any spare time on the weekend. Ha. My main concerns now are my work & (school work) & the party (my ‘love life’) [Most people would relate parties to ‘social life’ rather than ‘love life’. But I guess when you have no love life, parties are one of the places to start creating one – potentially]. Should be ACE! Really cannot wait. But now, its 10:10; I must get to sleep. Tomorrow is a free dress day. What have I to wear? What will I? Who knows. Periods were due yesterday. Hope I don’t get them for Angie’s Party. I’ll die if I do. [Haha, typical teen saying. I’m actually impressed I don’t say that more often.] Can not wait!! G’night!

A Life in Words
photocopied pic of Monique & I on the art excursion

Friday 17/10/86

Cannot wait!! (although Cameron isn’t going) Not long now! Today was boring, rather. Thought MW dropped Nicole yesterday – nope!! ELISSA WAKE UP. He doesn’t like you. Nothing will happen at this party. [continually self-lecturing] I felt a big dag today – wearing my pale (aqua) polo shirt & mum’s white shorts and my daggy school shoes. Everyone else had at least some bright colour on – and something ‘dressy’. During 4th, 5th, big lunch & 6th CAD went to the wharf to draw. Boring – I lost Sandie’s $2 to the sea; it flew over the jetty [back then $2 were still notes]. A Life in WordsGetting on well with Angie and Trish & Michelle. Why do I get the feeling Mark likes me? Is he really looking at me or is it a coincidence that he glances in my direction the same time I do? It’s just like 1st semester again; I don’t know if he does or not – but I must think he doesn’t otherwise I’ll be hurt [self-preservation thought pattern development. Or simply, pessimism.]. Is 10:25.

Saturday 18/10/86

Went out in ‘am’. to see nana (& get ribbon for my home-made roman sandals) Monique (after 3 calls) & Sandie came round 12:30 I waxed my legs & it took yonks. Mima’s not going. Fi came round 2:00 & sharon was very late. We wore our togas on the train. At Kuranda (this train trip wasn’t really fun like last time) Trish, Leanne, Moni, Sandie, Fi, me & Sharon got grog & drank it before we went in. Trisha spewed Fiona & (a little bit) Leanne was off her face. In there, it was a little boring. I didn’t see Mark for ages. I’m sure he was with Angie – some say yes, others no. (what??) [←this “what?” means “so…. which is it?”] Keith & I talked alot. In fact, he followed me round all night. we talked in depth about cosmic things- (being typical emotional Pisces) universe, UFO’s & Ghosts & unknown, death & love… he wouldn’t when I asked him, tell me some things Mark used to say about me & I really nagged. He also told me only 3 of the guys out of the supposed 15 – himself, Mark & believe it or not, Steven!!!! [Back in May, one of the guys in my biology class told me he knew of “about 15” guys that liked me. If you want the full story, check out this post]  [At this point, I omitted some potentially sensitive personal detail about another person.] Also that he thinks Mark does like me a lot, deep down. I said some things I shouldn’t have – some really silly private things. But I guess so did he. [continuing on to Sunday’s page…]

Sunday 19/10/86

Finally when Mark reappeared (after a sleep) I tried to stay within roughly same area as him. It was dull, but soon we were all on the trampoline. [That trampoline again. Where I “fell in love” the first time, months earlier. Click here if you’re interested in that ‘episode’.] We had apple juice fights – Mark squirted me for no reason & after fight reckons. I started it. We fought all night (Keith was trying to crack onto me – arms all over the place – soon I got out [‘out’ of what? his reach?] but …there ended up; me, Mark, Steven, Fi, Sharon & Quallus. Mark was picking on me… & steven too, but it wasn’t too bad we took ages & ages & ages to get into sleeping positions – would always be disrupted again But the main thing was Mark & me- we were the centre of attention – physical fights- slapping, thumping kicking, pinching. SHIT it was bad- does he like me? Hurts me enough. [I can’t believe this person was me. I mean, there’s no way I’d tolerate that kind of treatment now, let alone remain attracted to the guy.] Anyway, about (God I dunno) approx 3:30, 4:00 Got settled but rain made us all go elsewhere – about 5:30-6:00. I & Sharon couldn’t really sleep again. When everyone finally woke, I didn’t talk to mark at all really. He joked a second time & being tired I kinda snubbed him. Then I think he got angry or wasn’t talking to me. Even all on the train at 12:00 (Sharon & I didn’t have tickets – sneaked on!! – was the tourist train) A Life in WordsFinally when we got off, he, Steve & Leanne hung out the windows. Mark said “ByeBye Lollipop Lady!” [I can’t remember whether this has come up previously, so you may not understand this term. It certainly doesn’t refer to ladies in fluorescent vests at school crossings (I don’t think they even existed back then) rather, a story I’d told Mark about thinking of myself as a lollipop because I have such a long neck and (back then) a round face, Like a lollipop. So he coined the nickname. Perhaps it was actually born at this party? I can’t recall.] I smiled … we waited till the train moved. I said sorry about his arm (dead from punching) he said “I’ll bet.” & I waved & he was smiling & so was I!! Back at home Moni, Sandie & Sharon left about 1½hrs later! I slept & showered. Is now 8:05 Gonna sleep I only got about ½hr sleep that night. Been a Bloody EXCELLENT weekend. Fi, Sandie & Moni I was upset a little with cos at the start – they got off their faces esp. Fi & were smoking etc. [It’s pretty judgemental but it came from a place of care for my friends. Learning, over time, about Tolerance and even later, about Non Attachment has helped to curb my ‘judgementalism’]   Also SIX SEA SHELLS [art assignment]!! Trouble – not done!!

 

A ‘Bizarre Love Triangle’ at the Fete (8-14 September)

Monday 8/9/86

Well quite a few people (I think; Donna, Sandie, Monique, Mima, Fiona, Sharon, Tania, Heather, Linda, Tanja, Judy & Rebecca G – that’s all I think) know about Phillip C liking me. And of those who know/have seen him, all reckon he’s cute – some say gorgeous – best bod!A Life in Words Lifesaver! Swimmer! Wow. But mima told me that Melinda B reckons Peter H was at Phillip’s place on Sunday; meaning he rang from there. SHAME!! But I still love Mark. But he obviously (??) likes Nicole… Cameron & Judy rubbed it in today. Cameron in chemistry said “Did you go with the others to the Playpen?” “No” went to the movies” – “Oh, we went to Nicoles.” Fine, Cameron – that’s just great. What’m I s’posed to say? Then Judy at the busstop reckons “Have you seen Nicole’s love bite? Can’t miss it – big purple mark all over her neck and shoulder.” Double fine, huh? You bastard Mark. You’ve got to love me. Please. I want you more than anything. [Ugh, desperation! With hindsight I have to say this whole infatuation experience was a HUGE ‘life lesson’ I did finally learn from.] I’m tired. Bin studying for maths Ha! Got chem mark back 11½/15 – I passed by lots!! Wow!! Bludge day.

Tuesday 9/9/86

A Life in Words
The Boland Centre was built in 1912 & showcased the department store David Jones right up until 1984

I won’t get to see what Phillip looks like until tomorrow; CAD (& selected Yr 11 & 12 art students – including Mark) are going walking around town during recreation time looking for people to do their windows for Fun In the Sun. Monique Sandie, me & Donna got the best block; Boland Centre, Rockmans, cominos arcade. Wo! Rage! (But I really wanted to go swimming so I could perve on Master C. Oh well! I still like Mark, but I don’t feel as depressed as before (I guess this matter with Phil has boosted my self-confidence somewhat) I’m watching a mini-series (Part 1) at the moment; it’s 9:55. Will probably get to bed around 11:30. Didn’t ride today. Maths exam I failed that’s all I have to say – I’m glad I learnt my content – that might’ve helped. HOPE Dunno if I’m riding tomorrow or not. Want to sleep in. Fun tomorrow I hope. Started doing some speech HW – unbelievable! Exam next Thurs.

Wednesday 10/9/86

Mima & I rode today (Adam, too) Didn’t get any test results back (i.e. Maths or English) At big lunch, Donna & I rode to City Place. We walked down to metropolitan building society so she could get money out then to Monique & Sandie (& Ms Marsland) for instructions about getting “clients”. All four of us had the best block to cover; the Boland centre one. It took longer than most others. Lots weren’t interested in us painting/decorating their windows – but there were still fair few who would “get back to us”. [Ha!] After, rode back to school, picked up my bag & waited for mima. I left & rode home on my own at 3:05 – quite impatient, then after speech when we were talking she said she got to school at 3:20 – lucky I didn’t wait – long time! But at speech asked Megan if she knew P.C. – she said “Yeah” I said what do you think of him? She said “pretty cute” & that one of her friends was flipped over him. That makes me feel really great. Someone who lotsa girls like & he likes me!! 10:40.

Thursday 11/9/86

Rode again. Got my haircut, too – (“much”) shorter on the left side. It feels much better. Rode really slowly esp. on the way home: stopped  & pigged out, let the buses pass us. (Forgot about Saints) [Phillip was a ‘Saints’ boy, so I suppose I thought he might be on that bus and I could have caught a glimpse… had I not forgotten] Got maths & english marks back I PASSED MATHS!! I had thought without a doubt that I’d have failed but I passed!! 17½/30!! Great! [Great? It’s funny how my attitude towards schoolwork changed when I moved to Cairns High. At my primary school and during my junior High years at Smithfield, barely passing would have crushed me.] And english I thought I failed – but I did better than last semester! 8/10!! Wo! Great day! I think I’m gonna hafta forget Mark I only wish what I see & believe to be was true. I wish. But I’m also extremely curious to see Phillip C too. Fete tomorrow! That will decide!! I think. And Mark will be there too. He doesn’t talk or even look at me anymore. Probably hates my guts. Why, though? Bastard. I love him so much tho [Haha, these mental processes smack of schizophrenia!] 9:55. get some sleep late nite tomorrow. Did no HW again. Terrible bloody habit.

Friday 12/9/86A Life in Words

I’m dead. And kinda depressed. It’s just after 12:00. I saw Phil; Peter came up and was talking. How embarrassing – what could I say or do? I felt sick. [Nerves] (He (Phil) was cute/gorgeous, but it’s made no impact on me. I’m still hopelessly devoted to Mark, who I’m sure doesn’t like me) [I know this reaction is based in Fear: “better the Devil you know” is an extremely apt expression in this case] Oh, I even danced with him (& Fiona & Keith & Justine) but that was it. A pity. I do like him so much. I wore my new blue shirt which I got at lunchtime today (walked to town with Sandie and Monique) & blue & white striped skirt (found out they were the perfect match (in colour) UNBELIEVABLE!!) No HW except english & speech this weekend and I intend to get them done speech exam next Thursday. SHIT. Fete itself was boring – dance was OK. Tired. I feel terrible. I ignored Phil all night & moped around after Mark. Why am I such a loser? [No comment!]

Saturday 13/9/86

Did nothing constructive, except get my periods, today. [LOL and that’s constructive HOW? If anything menstruation is about DEconstruction] I am ashamed [because I didn’t do→]: I have 3 english assignments due this friday a speech theory exam this Thursday, a biology exam this Tuesday and a trial-run speech exam tomorrow. And the best thing I did today was to read up all about star signs.. [best?] otherwise I watched TV or read…. Was extremely depressed this morning, thinking about last night. Y’know how we were all dancing together ..well I think – I’m sure I dreamt that Mark said “Remember this?” to me as True Colours was played. Yes it must have been a dream cos they didn’t play that …or did they? Anyway, I can’t even remember what Phil looks like now, except his blue eyes (gorgeous) Rang Fi tonight – talking about Mark & etc. I think I’ll have to be content with being his friend & working my way up (???) from there. Just watched a movie. Is 11:45. Had a terribly dull day – it was gorgeous weather. Wonder if Mark’s at Lenora’s party??

Sunday 14/9/86

11:06. I just watched Superman III on TV.A Life in Words At speech this morning, Megan, mima & I talked (& laughed) a fair bit so our exams took a bit longer than 2hrs – probably about 2½ or 3. Anyway, I ended up doing it out of my notes.. I didn’t know a thing. (I rode up) at home I watched a little TV, did assignment work, listened to music & read. Petra (& Amanda for a while) came up. I like it when Petra’s here. We talk (I told them all about the night I was with Mark) Brings back memories. I long for another kiss (or 10) like those he gave me that night. Yum!! (Not really romantic tho’) I wonder if I’m a good kisser? Ha Ha god I say some stupid things! [Oh yes. Yes you do.] Anyway another fuitless weekend – only wrote about one paragraph more on one eng. assign. Have 2½ english assignments to do. God help me. Mark won’t be at school tomorrow or Tuesday – Geography excursions.

Two Phone Calls & Chemistry in the Kitchen (1-7 September)

Monday 1/9/86

Bad, Bad, Bad, Sad day. People were kinda thrilled about that night etc, kept saying things. [I’m assuming they were happy for me to have hooked up with the guy they all knew I’d been infatuated with for so long.] But my art…and my maths & english and …Mark….. A Life in WordsI said “Hi” (he came early to school & mim & Fi & Judy weren’t on the bus) he just looked at me. At art, Fi & I saw them just walk into their room; Steven came out & talked. Mark didn’t. At big lunch he went off with Cameron, when he came back, I went. I was so confused – on the bus, I decided I’d ring Cameron. Yes, I did do it. Results: negative. E: I just want to ask you something about M… Does he still like me? C: Yeah, but he likes Nicole too. E: Oh, I see C: I thought it was pretty terrible what he did E: To me? C: Yeah. He was pretty drunk THAT EXPLAINS IT. WHY HE WAS SO HOSTILE AT FI’S … WHY HE DIDN”T TALK. [Oh is that all you were concerned about?] He doesn’t like me. I’m … SO SAD. But I am not crying… yet

Tuesday 2/9/86

It’s cold. I’m sad. I still cannot accept the fact that he does not like me as he ‘used to’. It’s not fair. I keep hoping; there is hope deep, deep down, but I’m hurting myself more: I’m disappointing myself. He talked to me today; Just a little in Biology… but I’m sure he likes Nicole. Maybe if I just get to be a good friend… what’s the use? Oh, it’s not fair. I like him so much. (Academically it was a good day) – (41/45 for bio test – what we talked briefly about – and 8/10 for my art folio – Both BIG surprises) Oh why…why couldn’t this have happened ages ago when he didn’t know Nicole. Damn it. A Life in WordsIf we were friends; if we could talk . . . I wish I could click my fingers & he would be flipped over me. [Happy endings aren’t a given in Life, and Magic? Well…keep dreamin’.] Didn’t ride – raining/cold. Speech – had a practise exam then walked to shop with Fi & mim. Ate. (Had no dinner. Have decided to diet) [typical female response to rejection?] 8:35.

Wednesday 3/9/86

I still cannot believe it. But he does like her, at least is ‘deeply’ infatuated; I said to Cameron after chem. today: “Did you tell Mark about the phone call?” C: Yeah Me: What’d he say? C: He didn’t think you liked him that much E: He must be thick, tell him he doesn’t have to pretend to like me or anything like with Trish.. [my assumption] C: He’s on a bit of a high – got a note from Nicole E: What’d it say? C: Just [that he’s] the most beautiful thing on earth etc. E: Oh. (He starts to walk off…) E: Cameron, I still want to be friends, even though I feel differently. And THAT was IT. Judy seems to think he likes me, but is “fascinated” by Nicole: she’s different; younger etc. She’s really nice. Judy, that is. She wants him to wake up cos I’m one of the nicest people… [Oh, sweet Judy. I’d forgotten that I’d had this much interaction with her…] Late for speech… I forgot. We rode today. Overcast. Mark was at swimming. God I wish everything was back to normal… 10:35. Watched the Movie. Oh woe is me. It’s not fair … the one guy – I s’pose not – there will be others. . . . . [this statement is almost uncanny… read on!]

Thursday 4/9/86

I’ve still got Jemima’s swatch. [?] And I’m still depressed. But this afternoon I was more so than ever before. I had english exam (fail- it was so bloody hard) little lunch in 4th & cos of my chem. exam in big lunch, my big lunch in 5th period. And then Biology (I failed chem, too) I didn’t do HW so I’ve got detention tomorrow [for someone who NEVER had detention, I can see how this would have tipped me further into a depressive state]. And that’s just built up, a long with my depression over Mark. I was so withdrawn this afternoon; I even thought Mark was taking more notice of me. Don’t get your hopes up Liss. I could not believe how quiet I was. Talking as little as possible to anyone. Thinking/day dreaming all the time. I am changing. I am not me at the moment. I am sad and pity myself. I enjoy being alone, like this→ usually I enjoy the attention it attracts [the “what’s wrong?”s and “you can talk to me”s], but not anymore. [Smacks more of real depression…] This time, I really want to be left to myself. I am in deep. [LOL Drama Queen] 9:45

Friday 5/9/86

A Life in WordsI feel fine when I’m not thinking about it, when he’s not in sight; but (like writing this) I get depressed thinking about it. [I obviously hadn’t yet learnt about the Power of Thought] certain things he does make me think (hope) that he does like me. But I must be pessimistic or I will be hurt more. Let off biology detention [phew]… went to art excursion, came back at beginning of lunch hour. . . other schools came & we sat thru 1½hrs (6th & 7th periods) of “chemistry in the kitchen”. Boring. Tania C & I laughed & mucked around. Got cheerier this arvy. Slow week, this was. Great! Must have fun this saturday – forget everything but first of all – HW & assignments. Must get ’em done. Also feel I want to clean out my desk. . . won’t have time, I bet. Probably won’t even get my eng. done this weekend either [almost being honest with yourself there, Liss!] OH well. Almost 9:30. Sleep & do HW then (??) At least I don’t see them together much, anymore (tho I know they are) That’s great. [Yes: out of sight out of mind]

Saturday 6/9/86

I ate heaps. I watched TV, cleaned out some drawers and listened to music. And I also did not one scrap of HW. Although all I have is maths, english & speech, I have heaps of each (esp. eng & maths) And I have to go to Dad’s for at least a little while in the morning for Father’s Day. Tania came over this arvy . . . we rushed, but Fi & I got to the movies around 7:15; Tania was later. Saw “D.A.R.Y.L.” (what we did get to see) and “About Last Night” A Life in Wordsgreat movies. Anyway Mima & Steven & Polly & Anna & Sally & Danae were there too. Fi & I caught a taxi home (I had to pay – Fi had $1 left) Oh well. Now how’s that? Wonder what Mark & Nicole did tonight. No I don’t. I Don’t care. I don’t care. I’m tired. It’s 11:45. I want to get some sleep – don’t want to think about depressing things. Why do fools fall in LOVE?????

Sunday 7/9/86

I am ashamed. I did no HW, whatsoever at all this weekend. That is terrible. Planted & gardened a bit with mum (Julia stayed at dad’s last night) we went to dad’s around 10:00 I think, but before we left – just before we left – the phone rang. Mum said “Its’ for you” I said “Sharon” she said “no, a male”. No, it was not Mark. It was Peter H. Ha Ha. Anyway he said his friend Phillip C thinks I’m cute & has for a long time – saw me at movies last night, at the chemistry lecture & at Trobruk Pool (last wednesday, I deduced it was) And he said “do you want to meet him?” No. let it be. I’ll just wait and see. [I was – and still am – totally averse to set-ups or blind dates. Anything contrived puts me right off. One of the (many) reasons internet dating is not for me.] (At Dad’s watched Weird Science on video & went to see the house he bought – could be nice with doing-up) Rang mima around 2:00, asked her about him. She reckons he’s cute – really tall (brown skin) was sitting with Rodney T at the chem. lecture & I didn’t see him. SHIT. Oh well – prob. is I still love Mark. Watched Romancing the Stone on TV tonite Great! Is almost 11:00. School work is YUK.