dance – Page 2 – A Life in Words

Recital, Singing, Study & THE Photo (4-10 August)

Published on August 4, 2014 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 4/8/86

Stuff Mark W. Yes, he’s still going, strong as ever, with Tricia. He can lay his hopes to rest; I think he’s gutless. He should’ve at least made some move to let Tricia ‘down’ ‘slowly’ by now. [This is all still under the assumption fed to me by a friend of his a few weeks earlier that he was only in the relationship out of ‘obligation’. Clearly I was clinging to this Hope.] Unless he doesn’t like me anymore. [Oh, little Liss, there are potentially many more reasons than just that one.] Talk about ‘like’ . . . I think no one likes me. Today I was totally depressed; felt alone, hated, an outsider. (Tho Monique & Donna were being (fairly) nice) Fiona was (whether it really was becos’ she was feeling sick or not). grumpy. And mima holding little attention (interest in me). Even Sharon seemed turned against me. And as for the rest of the group, I’ve felt ‘hated’ or just ‘disliked’ by everyone ever since I found out that they all knew I liked Mark. [It’s tragic how one ‘negative’ thing in your life has the power to ‘blacken’ everything else. Your perception is fully tainted.] 9:00. well almost. Did no HW. Nasty habit procrastination. Lucy rang; I’m jealous she has a rage all the time. Is coming up soon for her dad’s wedding.

Tuesday 5/8/86

A Life in Words — Not sure why I cut it out of the card, but this is the photo from my school ID

I felt strangely happy today: the first day I didn’t feel depressed about Mark!! I was in a really good mood all day!! [Oh my god, Miss Jekyll & Hyde…was I REALLY that moody?] Mima & I rode to school (went to congo’s [a local bakery] – had junk!) Big lunch got our ID Cards… it was the 1st lunch hour Mark did not spend with Tricia. Wow! (I still think he’s a spunk, but I’m still hurt so I feel kinda ignorant when he’s around ie: I ignore him) [Ha!] Bad News: Fi might be away for tomorrow’s swimming recreation. What will I do?? [There’s my clingy side…] I don’t want to go on my own (Trish hates me, and Astia I’m not sure about) megan & Linda are doing it too, but I don’t know exactly what they’re gonna do tomorrow. OH woe is me!! This arvy, mima & I had to get her references for her new job (checkout girl at Coles!!) Took ages. Then took them there, she had to do a test. Rode home slowly! mima having more troubles with Brent, SAD. 9:43

Wednesday 6/8/86

Bloody Dance. Sharon & I were the only ones there, more about that after… cold today. Fi ended up going to town with her mum – I went with Becca G (she’s doing swimming too) was rather fun (Bit upsetting seeing Tricia giving Mark a massage) Mark looked at me a lot today: Sharon & I sat in the sun (to keep her warm and he stood right near us!) Then at the dance… when I said Sharon & I were the only ones; I meant girls. All the guys were there. Everyone (except Cameron, David & Chris K) Sharon’s purpose there was to take photos. She had fun. I was in one with Duane & Nick R then … it had to happen. Mark came up & Sharon said “I want a photo of you two.” How fucking embarrassing. We stood near a brick wall, the light for the flash was heating up) and all Mark’s friends were standing in a big group nearby. They wanted us to put arms around each other but I said No. Straight out. (Didn’t say why) Trisha, dearie. [Who wants to see a photo of their boyfriend with his arms around another girl? I was actually being considerate ….but because it takes “two to tango” there was definitely also an element of self-preservation.] Also Sharon had more problems with Terry. [One of the guys interested in her, on whom she was not keen.] But Mark was searching for me in the hall in the beginning! He stood on chairs to look over the dancing mob. [and you KNOW this because…? Someone actually told you that was what he was doing?] It’s 11:30 one night I will never forget.

Thursday 7/8/86

Fi and I rode today – we talked alot I told her about the dance (only told 4 others; Donna, Sandie, Moni, and Mima) Donna and Sandie were going to develop the photos at lunchtime – but couldn’t. (I want to get that photo so no one will see it) Anyway, I was quite depressed this morning, thinking I’d totally stuffed up my chances with mark until art (my picture’s looking’ good & that made me happy) But in chemistry, Cameron & I were talking; we got on to Mark. He was saying things and I was saying “I don’t care”. He said “if Mark dropped Tricia and asked you to go with him what’d you say?” “No” “What?” “No!” “Why?” “Cos he doesn’t like me” “Bull, he does so” .. “no he- doesn’t” “yes he does” “Nup” “Yes I should know.” “No, he doesn’t” … “Why not?” “Because (I couldn’t – didn’t have the guts to say that about him hurting me). because he just doesn’t. [Oh, the Fear! I want to go back and slap my young self!] 9:40 Is so freezing now finally!!

Friday 8/8/86

Oh I’m starting to feel a ‘want’ for Mark again. . . a real ‘want’, yet at the dance I was frightened (truly scared to death) about going to talk to him. I had wanted to be his friend first & make it go from there, but… it was like he avoided me this afternoon. I didn’t see him at all at big lunch. and he rode out the far gate after school. I really do like him – I think of how he smiled at me before the photo .. they didn’t process them today . . I’ve decided I’m gonna get them to process 3 for me (I’ll pay if I have to) so I can see them. [Three? Why three?] I want a picture of him, smiling. [I can’t help disclosing here it wasn’t the case, but more will be revealed in next week’s post…] It felt good, him standing so close to me for the photo. Felt good – I just wish. . . . Twinge of hope that he might “turn up” at Adrienne’s party. He won’t so I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Speech exam Tuesday I will fail. [Pessimism or Realism?] 11:05. Just watched the movie. Am rather tired. God, I really want Mark W….

Saturday 9/8/86

Ow! My wisdom tooth’s coming up! Woke rather early… after Julia left with dad, I went to Mrs McI’s Did mostly nothing at all, helpful there. At home, I abused my voice I read my chapter out aloud; put on my walkman & sang aloud to the songs, [my poor mother, or whomever else might have been unfortunate enough to experience that] read my poem over & over, and read my chapter over & over again. Finished that utterly stupid english assignment & maths HW. Have only speech, art, english & chem. left now!! Ha! Didn’t go to Adrienne’s party. Mima said she was going at 7:00pm when I rang, Polly said she’d walked to Fi’s and they’d walked there ages ago. Nice, huh? [Feeling ‘left out’ is something that has pervaded my life – evidently more so in my youth – but I now view it as part of the building of my independence in adulthood. While it’s admirable, independence isn’t necessarily always positive: apart from the fact that feelings of loneliness can recur, it can translate to commitment issues – which I don’t think I have, by the way…] So I rang Justine (to see if she was going – she wasn’t) & Beka was there, so we had a very long talk (mostly me, about Mark). God that guy is great. Do I love him? Early night (well 9:45!) Thinking about Mark. He is so gorgeous. Do I love him?? I don’t think so. But it’s a mighty big crush!!!

Sunday 10/8/86

Have now finished preparing all my speech items. (talk? yes!!) Just need to practise & practise & practise; flog myself!! About my othe[r] english assignment, I will ask Mr Grossetti if I can use my divorce survey (that is research) & will be easy for me. Otherwise, I pigged out, yet again. I really don’t know what’s gotten into me; my appetite is enormous. Also, from this past weekend, I have seen my schoolwork in a different view – I realise the importance of good grades & how much I need to work for them. I will (will I?) try to work harder to improve my grades. Also, thinking a bit about the party: wonder if by some chance, Mark was there. Oh, I wish things were different for us. (I really want that photo!!!) Oh Mark!! It’s 10:25. Movie should be finished soon – yes, now!! Gotosleep thinking about Mark. Yum

Stuck in the Mud & Love in the Air (9-15 June)

Published on June 9, 2014 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 9/6/86

Woke at 7:15 (got 9hrs sleep) did my art, hung out the washing, made my bed, finished my art, cleaned my desk then 11:30 went to see mum. She had just gone into theatre [for the ‘curette’]. Geoff took us home, mucked around with Fiona & Christopher (F) & watched TV. Went to see mum again around 2:45. Boring! [This apparent ‘coldness’ towards my mother’s situation simply borne of a lack of understanding…which most children have. I completely empathise with my niece and nephew for their sometimes ‘naughty’ behaviour during the final weeks of my mum’s life: the poor kids were dragged to hospital EVERY day, so it would have been torturous for them, even though they knew ‘Nana’ was ‘very sick’…] Sat & read magazines etc. Went home, Geoff stayed. About 15 mins later mum rang and Geoff went to get her. Had pies for tea (after mucking around with Chris & Fiona again – playing stuck in the mud etc) [Old ‘Stuck in the Mud’! I’d forgotten about that game. Great physical exercise for kids…but I couldn’t remember the rules of the game, so Googled it for a reminder: Stuck in the Mud ] Is 9:11. I’m surprised at little amount I ate. School tomorrow Hip Hip Hooray! Dad came around to see how he’d set the Hash run (they’re gonna go through our yard & down the gully.) [In the Hash House Harriers, there’s a ‘fox’ who sets the ‘cross-country chase’ each time they run.] Dad & Sharon (when she rang) both asked about mum. I told them she was having an operation on her stomach. Hated lying to dad. [I’m sure he was told/found out in good time anyway and would certainly not have held anything against me for it.]

Tuesday 10/6/86

10:35. I’m not tired. Did no work today (except art.) Got test marks back. BIOLOGY I am so pleased I passed both exams – theory 80/110!! and prac – 50½/80. HOORAY! But, gulp, maths. I failed. 28½/70. My overall % was 47% still SA [‘Sound’ Achievement]. but still not good. I must do a lot more study for maths from now on. Art, I got 24/30, but sposed to add on 4 marks for something so I got 28/30. Got 20/30 for my problem – worst in the class. And 80% overall. Depressing – I could’ve got a VHA [Very High Achievement] if I’d done my problem better. Spent lunch hour in art rushing to finish my mural but alas & alack not quite → she marked it before that. I gave myself 43/50, Dunno what she gave me. But I spent rest of double period tryn’ to finish it. NOT QUITE. Went straight to mima’s this arvy. Made a cake & made masks for the dance→ mines orright not finished. MARK WAS AWAY so was Cameron McK; probly baseball.

Wednesday 11/6/86

Mark was barely there for the day. Saw him in the morning up till art. After that who knows? But he was at the dance…. Got 25½/50 for ENGLISH. I AM ECSTATIC!!! And 19/20 for my assignment!! Unreeeeal! [English turned out to be my best subject overall in senior high, which is kind of funny considering I was doing the special Art Course (CAD). Meant to be better at Art, you’d think…] Chemistry 49½/80 Pass by 9½. Pretty fair overall mark for semester was 59%. Boring day, really. After school, rushed down to Dunphy’s shop, mum got me & went into town (rang Mrs McM & skipped speech) Denim Jackets too small.. got a white small skirt from Sportique. & Mink hairspray [oh yes, the 80’s were definitely a decade of hairspray…in the same-but-different way from the 60’s..]. Rush at home wasn’t ready in time→ mum had to take me instead. OH well. At first didn’t think Mark was coming. But (my imagination of course) later on it appeared when Sharon & I went for a walk, him & greg k were following → probably cos of Sharon, not me. 12:40. Steven hit it off with Erica S (she’s not too sure…) ♥Mark♥

[I had detailed the dance in another notebook:] … Sharon & I went for a walk around the back of Croswell hall, and sat on the stairs around the other (unpopulated) side, to talk. then, Mark and Greg appeared…they’d followed us, we were certain; though I thought it was most likely for Sharon, I didn’t say. Really, I was hoping Mark was following me. When they saw we’d stopped and sat, they sort of hesitated for a moment then coolly walked past and around to the front of the hall. At another moment, they appeared to be watching again, as well. We’d decided to try and get up to request a song, so took the back stairs into the Hall. We hesitated at the top, outside, for some reason… the door was locked? And I glanced down and who should be standing below, looking up?

Thursday 12/6/86

Woe is me. Y’know about last nite→ supposed following by greg & Mark, well today Greg said (in 3rd or 4th period) “I know someone whose got the biggest crush on you.” I instantly thought of Mark. My attitude was kind of “brushed off”. “Yeh, Yeh, Yeh….” He wouldn’t tell me. And it happened – I got my hopes up only to be let down. I pestered him in last period (in Biology, before, I was sure it was mark, he sat in front, but turned round to talk to Greg next to me) and he finally said… “Cameron K”. Shit. I mean I like Cameron a real lot→ my best male friend – but I said “bullshit.” Perhaps Greg was lying. Seemed like Mark was paying abit more attention (i.e. looking at me more!) to me today. Ha! Wish 9:35. Mark you spunk Don’t you like me too? Not really cold winter weather Damn! Quite warm actually

Friday 13/6/86

I felt sick when I left for school this morning. Had a feeling it’d be a bad day. But it wasn’t so much that → more “spectacular”. I felt very uncomfortable around Cameron (Mark came very late & I only saw him for a very little while all day) went to hall watched choral music practise (Mark played volleyball) then went to civic centre (got in free (lucky) fi didn’t) CHS got one 1st & a 2nd. Then back at school Sharon Monique & I watched volleyball (Mark must’ve gone→didn’t see him at all after that) sharon dragged Greg over to the trampolines (I’d told her my “prob.” on way back from Civic Centre) And she squeezed the truth out of him. Took me (& Monique) outside. “MARK HAS LIKED YOU EVER SINCE YOU CAME TO CAIRNS HIGH!!” I AM ELATED! He was too shy to ask me to dance at the dance in case I’d say no & too shy to talk in case I’d ignore him MARK LIKES ME!!!!! Said he couldn’t wait till Angie’s party to talk to me!! LOVE! Rang Beka this arvy too. Went to go to Croc. Dundee. Spent about 2hrs in town but movies were booked out – Julia & Cherie got in tho. also went to Coles but couldn’t see Mark anywhere. Also poor mima got shocked today. At civic centre Brent & Cameron wrote notes to each other mima read one & went hysterical, cried & left school caught town bus home. [I have no idea now what that was all about…]

Saturday 14/6/86

Well this morning I didn’t do much.. Jules & I had a lip sync competition [we loved our music!], then I attempted to wax myself. At first it didn’t work (too much bloody wax) then (I got cranky) it did (but not completely) I also sunbaked when mima rang. Then I packed and went to her place. Watched the end of a really “hacked” [hmmm, don’t recall using that descriptive much, so can only guess at it meaning something like “not good”!] movie (on video) then “mucked around”. Got ready for the movies (Hoped Mark’d go…) Saw Youngblood and it was excellent. After walked to “Sly Cones”, where we waited (well we kinda went for a walk) till the B’s (Mr & Mrs) came.. After an ice cream, Polly, Monique, mima & I went back to Brewers. (Are all – mima monique & I) gonna sleep in one double bed – Ha!!) Laughed a lot before going to sleep/ mima’s made up with Brent (kind of… still unsure) And I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT MARK!!

Sunday 15/6/86

That was the worst night’s sleep I’ve had in ages!! Barely any room at all!! Had to wake early for the door knock appeal – got in there early. First area was Manunda. Not too good. Mooroobool was a bit better but Bayview Heights was the same as Manunda. Went had so many encounters with dogs.. it was unbelievable!! [A great example of how they are great thief deterrents] Also heaps of people who pretended they weren’t home – when the house was open & unlocked etc. [I recall us doing that once or twice with mum but hiding from bible-bashers rather than charity door knockers] But overall, our team (car – Mr B., Polly, anna, fi, jay, brent, me, monique, mima, sharon) raised $450 overall. Not bad but not the best either. Oh well! After, we wanted to get back & have a shower before the BBQ but Mr & Mrs B were gonna stay so we got [a different] Mrs B to drop us back. Got ready & mum & Mrs W dropped us all back in (to a house in Richardson St) near kind of to mark’s street McManus. That was so bloody boring. Went home really early. Mr & Mrs B stopped at Banks’s for coffee so we took the house key and walked back. There (anna polly sharon monique mima & I) listened and mimiced sings on Take 40 Aust. Another late nite!! in the bloody double bed again

The Cast of Grease & the Honour Rejected (12-18 May)

Published on May 12, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 12/5/86

He was on a geography excursion today. I caught a glance of him as he was getting on the bus. So the “school” was quite empty i.e.: only Keith, Cameron, Brent (really) were left. “Excitement” about the party – everyone gossiping. Angie J has told all the girls they were only kissing but the guys knew differently. Personally, I believe she did have sex with him. [I really think this belief is half based in jealousy (obviously) but also Pessimism: assuming the ‘worst’.] A little depressing today was, on our way home (we (Fi & I) were in the back seat (“as usual)) & Cameron was too. were talking about ‘loves’ Cameron says most of the guys like Sharon. (think she’s good looking, anyway) Mark too. He didn’t say much about that. But I’m wondering seriously whether Mark does like Sharon or not. I keep telling myself ME MEANS NOTHING TO ME. [Haha, keep going…] 9:40. Jeez, I’m confused. I wish someone would tell me, straight out, whether Mark likes me or not. [Strangely enough it’s these comments that piss me off the most, now. FFS, was I really such a persistently wishful-thinking sook?! Oops, now I have to chastise myself for being so hard on myself! Especially being so hard on my little 15 year-old self.]

Tuesday 13/5/86

It’s 9:52. I’m watching part one of “Gone With the Wind”. It’s on TV. If it doesn’t finish soon, I’ll have to go to bed – I’m bugared. [That’s right, it WAS an Epic film wasn’t it? A 4 hour saga, it was actually broken up into two parts for television. Is it sill the longest (commercial/popular) film ever made?] Rode today. Riding home, stopped at Stratford (Fi got off the bus) & talked to Beka & Justine & Kym. Then Fi & mima (doubled [as in, doubled on a bike]) came over. At 5:30 they left. I did a little HW, had dinner, a bath & went to mima’s to watch “Grease”. Was great. Am so excited about the play! Today I was happy, in the morning. It “appeared” to me that Mark was trying to make me notice him. (Sharon shamed me – talking about him, in the library, and he was standing just behind) S’pose to have been ignoring Angie which made me happy too. But then he was talking to her later. Oh well. On the other hand, it wouldn’t be so good if someone told me whether Mark liked me or not cos if the answer was no I’d be mighty upset. [That’s Life, chick.]

Wednesday 14/5/86

9:55. Riding tomorrow. Stuff “Gone with the Wind”. I’m too tired to watch it. Pity, tho, huh? I HATE WEDNESDAYS so much. Cameron’s hanging around Mark a lot more since I told him that I like Mark. (Wonder why?) It’s probably got nothing to do with that. [Yep!] But I hate Wednesdays. And I “love” Mark (I know it’s not love, but if I could become goods friends – I’m sure it’d grow) [Well at least I was ‘aware’ enough to know that saying I loved someone didn’t necessarily mean I did…?!?] Ms. Black doesn’t like me, I’m sure. Mim & I didn’t do anything in recreational art today. Found out who got in the play Grease. I’m not listed. Either’s mima. Heather: Sandy, AnnMarie: Rizzo, Peta R: Marty, Clare McK – Frenchie, Tootsie is Patty, Steven – Danny, Neville Kenicki, Brent is Roger. Wow. I am tired. Speech – boring. HATE Wednesdays. Fi & I were asked to be ushers for the Yr 12 formal. Have to have partners so I own’t go. Everyone thinks I’m crazy (I know I am)

Thursday 15/5/86

Got a letter from Lucy: am writing back now – must also write back to Fran. News is she’s coming up in June Holidays for sure!!!! Riding to school today I had a prang on Aeroglen Drive: skinned my right knee – that’s all shook me up, tho→ I fell straight over & couldn’t get up for shaking. A council truck drove past & the 3 guys laughed. I chucked an enormous flash!!! [For those unaware, “chucking a flash” meant giving an eyeful – whether deliberately or accidentally – to some one – or more – of things you would rather or should NOT!] Shame. I went to the doctor’s this arvy too. Dr D said my nose is normal – the only way to rid nasality is speech exercises [read: I had a “lazy soft palate” so had to exercise the muscle – like any other weak muscles in the body] and I’ll just have to keep using my Becotide (until hopefully I grow out of my allergies) 9:35. I was kinda bored – unsettled today. I don’t want to do this ushering – but Carla reckons it’s an honour – so I can’t back out. What the fuck will I do?? I won’t get a partner. Am tired. I think. Kinda pissed off. Asked Mark a Q in Bio today. Barely answered

Friday 16/5/86

The “ushering” thing pushed me to my limits today. Spent almost whole lunch hour with Carla, Clare, Maureen B, & Heather, trying to decide what to do. I didn’t want to but according to Carla it was an honour – and I couldn’t refuse. But I have. I got so upset at the end – talking to Fi, that my eyes watered & I didn’t go to the dancing in tutorial. I am not going. It is part to do with Steven (being my partner, cos I don’t really know him well) but mostly in-confidence. i.e.: not enough. [Again, at least I was aware of and honest about my ‘failings’] Cameron couldn’t believe (& Brent) that I backed out. It’s almost as if he really wanted me to go. Ha! Anyway I’m not. It’s 10:15. Went late night: bought pr men’s PJ’s (snuggy!!) & fantastic new adidas sandshoes. I LOVE THEM!! In Coles, talking to Maureen – she offered me a job. think I might take it up, next time. So many people came up & said Hi. But I didn’t see Mark at all. BOO HOO. Also, in the carpark, I dropped a whole bag of oranges!! SHAME!! I couldn’t stop laughing: Torstein & this cute guy were doing trolleys helped me pick them up. HOW EMBARRASSING! ALSO – went to Freshy Pub with Geoff 4 tea. I didn’t eat. [??]

Saturday 17/5/86

Earned $23. Yes! I am getting my normal $4 rate – but I’ll still ask Maureen about a job at school on Monday. Boring. Rushed home, rushed & got ready & rushed to pick up Nana to hurry & get to the Railway Station on time to pick up mum’s uncle (nana’s husband’s brother) [This took me a moment to work out: my grandmother was married twice, but this particular man would have been mum’s real (blood) relative – the brother of her father, whom I never met. Mum’s dad (my grandfather) died while mum was a teenager. Coincidentally, so did my father’s mother (my grandmother on the other side) Beginning to realise that there has been a fair bit of ‘premature death’ in my immediate family unit]. That took bloody 10 mins. Rush for nothing! Then we dropped Nana home & at the moment, I’m still writing Letter to lucy while watching Saturday Night Fever on TV (again) 10:22. I wish I could hurry & finish the letter. I’d like to get to bed – have heaps HW for tomorrow. Wanna get it done.

Sunday 18/5/86

“Officer & A Gentleman” will be finished soon, I think (I hope – it’s 10:42) Today, I did a bit of chemistry, maths & english HW. Just bits. But I’m glad I did do some of my english – at least I know where I’m at with my assignment. —Yes!! Now it’s finished and I love it! (the movie) now it’s 10:51. Pretty Cool tonight (i.e.: cooler than usual – and the usual is pretty cool now) Wrote to Fran today. Also ate quite little, thank god. But I’m tired. I think. I must’ve down something to my waist/hips/ribs when I fell off my bike, cos ever since then, around my waist, hurts when I laugh, etc (also had sore muscles esp in my right upper arm) maybe I pulled muscle?!! [Ya think?] School. I can wear my fab new shoes. Love ’em: just like Lucy’s and Rebecca G’s. LOVE THEM!