Catching A Ride, Cleaning the Slate & A Kiss Fest (12-18 October)

Monday 12/10/87

A Life in Words
So ‘teen American’…the cool guy driving a hot chick to school in his sweet ride…

Stuart drove us to school today: Jo & I (!!) [I remember reveling in this experience because it felt so uber-cool …you know, American culture wherein the hotshot guy gives his chick a ride to school?] And we arrived, just as people began to assemble for parade. [Oh, what a shame; that means no one would’ve seen you? Bugger.] Double chem went well – doing experiments. Jeez, the weekend seemed so long! Like holidays! So busy & so much fun! Saw Mark outside his maths class, but walked on past .. bopped him with my art [as in, with my my artwork rolled up into a ‘tube’ then used (lightly) as a baton] at end of little lunch & said Hi. Double art was fun & I was generally so happy today- couldn’t get a smile off my face! Big lunch I spent finishing QTAC forms etc [I’d spent the day prior drafting an application for ‘Special Consideration’ to submit to the authorities (QTAC) responsible for calculating my TE (tertiary entrance) score, pertaining to the accident and its potentially detrimental effects – both direct & indirect – upon my studies. I included a copy of the finished draft so if you’d like to check it out head back to last week’s post for a squizz] (had to escort police to library, wow!) [What for? Why ‘wow’? …it’d be nice to know…] then, talked to Mark, but he talked to Mr Stopford, so I went to artroom to get my tape when I came back talked to Fi, & he walked past & (get this!) PINCHED MY BUM! It was so unexpected. I felt so happy & excited & shocked! [Really? I mean, is it really that big a deal?] WOW! Talked after school, too (not much in biol.) Jo told Nigel about me ([smoking] dope) I told Nigel not to say a word to anyone. [Not the right kind of ‘cool’, in your books Liss?] Sharon rang tonite: she’s bitching at David (good on her) [Again, why? What happened? I can’t remember the story!] & she said something about Fi & Jason (did they…?)→ Saturday night. [I had to consider whether or not to omit this for privacy reasons but decided that, since it was merely speculation (read: unsubstantiated, therefore just gossip) it was safe to include] Mark said he likes SIGN YOUR NAME [YouTube link below] & that revolting untitled song best. Good choice [‘Sign Your Name’ I meant, as I’d drawn an arrow back to it in my diary] Getting v. hot again now. Am feeling so good! My life’s pretty great at the moment!!

Tuesday 13/10/87

Didn’t talk to him till biology. Laughed a lot. Big lunch, I thought we’d talk, (I was laughing so much because he was staring at me-he found it hard to keep his face straight now & then) but I went to Kentucky Fried with mima, Fi, Lisa Vikki & Sharon (W). [Back in the days before deep frying became a truly cardinal sin, KFC was known by its full title: Kentucky Fried Chicken. The company admitted that its formal name change to the acronym KFC (in the early 1990’s) was a specific PR/marketing move in response to the negative connotations of the word ‘Fried’.] Back at school, he talked in the room with Cameron & Nicole A Life in Words(I felt resentment.. building up inside, but Jo & I joked about it after we “screamed” for fun (for me to release my “anger”) [or stress…] After school, I asked about when we were going to finish our talk. He said “we don’t need to” I was kind of puzzled & he just smiled; so I went. Does that mean we’re together again? [Highly unlikely…] I still want to talk & I’m going to tell him so. I don’t want, in a way, to be “going out” again. . I don’t know. I’ll get jealous & possessive again. [This is quite telling, with the benefit of hindsight] NO! ELISSA, YOU ARE FINE – DON’T THINK ABOUT HIM – PUT YOURSELF FIRST. [Ah that’s the spirit! Great self-pep talk, Liss] It’s 9:42 & one of my all-time fav’s on the radio: You oughta be in love by Dave Dobbyn. [YouTube inclusion below, again, in case you wanna listen. What a musical week it is this week!] I wanna do some HW before I go to sleep. [Well that’s gotta be a first?] Can’t wait for the weekend – what’ll I do? LOTS! Keep busy & stoned on Saturday night, with [privacy omission]. YAY! [This is quite a surprise; I thought I’d said when I first tried it (the week before) that it “didn’t affect me”. So why would I bother doing it again? Especially since I also didn’t want people to know?]

Wednesday 14/10/87

I don’t believe how much I’ve changed in the past month (since breaking up with Mark) I am so much more bold.. more confidence (god knows why) (or how!) [Alcohol, first & foremost. And probably the fact that you’ve discovered other guys seem to be attracted to you, so you may not NEED Mark as much as you previously thought? Only the day before you were unconvinced of the idea of being in a relationship with him again …basically because you didn’t like the person you were when you were with him, so…?] Got on well in bio … big lunch was a let down. I still don’t know for sure if we’re going out – I think it’s a yes. [Really?] He had a mood swing while I was talking to him (happy, talkative) then while I talked with Jo about Stuart, after he became quiet & “distant”. I whispered at the end of lunchtime “I love you” and he smiled. So I thought O.K. but after school he was quiet again + didn’t say goodbye. It hurt, but I got over it quick enough..much more so than I would’ve before. […so you think…] In town after school I was so energetic Saw Stuart – talked (exclusively) to me, at one stage. Jo told me today he tried to make Glyn jealous by saying alot about what he’s done with me (+Jo kind of) Apparently – it’s working(?!) [Oh the games people play…] Not that she really cares. So I’ll have to do something with Mark this weekend. [So? This infers that since Stuart is ‘unavailable’, you need to fill the space with another option… the guy you think you are – or want to be – dating is the second-best option? Tell me again why you are ‘there’?] What? Must talk. [Talk, talk, talk, talk…] Hot! Hot Day: Throat is still persistently sore or aching when I swallow. Couldn’t go to indoor soccer – mum wouldn’t take me in there. A Life in WordsSaw PN this arvy, really shortly tho’ tried to find him but couldn’t – going late nite 2morrow nite hopefully He’ll be there!!! [Girl, you have crushes and infatuations (‘distractions’) going on everywhere at the moment.]

Thursday 15/10/87

So pissed off (no, I hate saying that) angry today. [Hmm, interesting: can’t say I like the word angry these days. I’d rather say pissed off. Oh how we can change…] Started off O.K …not great, but at least he smiled once.. then I didn’t speak till big lunch, & he wasn’t talking to me (That’s what gets me: he says he’s not in a talkative mood, yet he’ll yabber away with anyone but me) said wasn’t angry at me, but fuckin’ tell he was. I was so damned hurt but I recovered faster. Fiona & mum both think it’s still the same, [objective views are usually more on point than subjective…] but it’s not: [sounds like denial?] I’m not depressed as long now, and besides, we’ve made a bad start […er, bad start to what exactly? Relationship Part Two that you are currently guessing you’re in?] -we still need to talk a lot (regardless what he thinks) [LOL, that’s right Liss, you wear the pants! Pffft.] Rang him, but was too busy (PE exam 2morrow) to go to movies or late nite A Life in Words(Went with Sharon & Colleen and had a cool time! Phillip wasn’t there tho’ – either one!!) No one was, in fact (oh – David VM, Wade etc) He’s going out tomorrow night – Sharon & I are too. S’posed to go to the movies with him (well, I proposed it, but he’s deciding) – deliberately delaying – hanging me in the air. [You mean, leaving you hanging…] fucked day. My stars were right – couldn’t impress anyone [Ah, good old newspaper horoscopes…]

Friday 16/10/87

I barely saw him. He appeared to be avoiding me before school. I wasn’t feeling too happy, but wasn’t overly depressed. Did lots of work in art Got out of doing english oral – Nigel had been away & had a medical certificate. After school was the first time I tried to talk to him. He barely spoke (didn’t want to go to the movies) when I asked him why he wasn’t talking to me, said “I’ve got nothing to say.” (Laugh) A Life in WordsI got upset, went off [as in, walked away, not ‘threw a hissy fit’]. Mima came – I calmed down & back there Chris, Cameron & Glyn joked with me (cheer me up). I walked down to Sharon (he left totally oblivious to me) tears.. Mum took me home & I did little until Sharon’s mum took us to town, around 8:15. Met Glyn B. & this girl & Justin – Glyn & Janine S went to Playpen – Sharon, Justin & I drank tequila at the Port Authority building [I’m fairly sure we’d bought a bottle to share between us, but can’t remember whether we had a mixer of some sort or were drinking it ‘neat’. Urgh.] (met the nice night watchman, Bob) [Oh how entertaining that must have been for Bob, interacting with three drunk teenagers. I can almost imagine it, now that I’m probably Bob’s age!] Sharon drank most..when we caught taxi to croc. rock, she was sick. bored at C.R. for 1 hr. got a lift to Playpen- met Stuart P: looking for Glyn.. told she was at croc rock so we drove back – many more people ..better! Sharon was ‘off’ most of the time. I ended up hanging around Giles, Praybon, Alan (met at Smithfield formal) I ended up “with” Alan. [Sorry folks, just kissing. I was still quite ‘innocent’ at this stage…] (Stupid) [regret much?] went outside for a while, then tried to find Sharon – to get a lift home with them. Couldn’t so I thought definitely I wasn’t going to miss out on→

Saturday 17/10/87

a free ride. Mikey O’S drove really fast & around Brinsmead Glen, we caught up to …Stuart! + Sharon! At my place, I got out kissed Alan goodbye and went over to Stuart talking (I was drunk) and ended up kissing him. [Oh you hussy!] God, he’s so nice. Bombed at 3:30. Woken at 7:00, walked Sharon to bus stop. Bludged the whole day: no! Rang Mark & went to his place at 11:00. The best talk we’ve ever had – sorting out. I got upset (well, let him know my feelings) about loyalty [fidelity]. His idea of cheating on someone is is sexual (intercourse) – not kissing That is totally different to mine and most other people’s concepts. TOTALLY. [So, with differing ideas or expectations, the potential for more… ‘discomfort’ in the relationship is greater…] A Life in WordsWe decided on wiping the slate clean “meeting” each other for the first time. ie: pretending we’d only met today & disregard the last 10 months of our knowing each other. [Oh, ’cause that’ll work. Pffft. I couldn’t think of anything worse than going back to Square One. How would you learn from your mistakes if slates were wiped clean?] So he drove me home & we were fine. Around 8:30 tonight we got to Jason’s (Fi & I) then to Sharon’s. The Palm Cove party was dead. Pouring in town, when Fi dropped Sharon & I at the Playpen. Mark & Keith were there. Great. I didn’t know what really to do.. I moved around a lot … bored at first – no money for drinks & not many people I knew. Eventually I ended up hanging round Nicole, Keith & Mark. (Scabbed drinks) [Oh now there’s something to be proud of. Not.] (Jo was cool in the [fashion] parade)-(Stuart still likes her) I thought something→

Sunday 18/10/87

would happen. Mark was paying a fair bit of attention to me. The rest to Nicole (I wasn’t jealous – only maybe now & then, a tinge) She was going to stay at Keith’s ..I presumed she’d get with Mark. We ended up sitting near dance floor – Mark & I biting each others noses (ouch!) A Life in WordsBut sometimes gentle – Biting necks, ears. a few kisses – yeah he turns me on..Stuart and (esp.) Alan don’t.. I get feelings all through me when I kiss Mark. So we’ve only known each other one day & we got together (!!) [*rolls eyes*] I don’t think it will be long till we get back together. In the meantime, I’ll try not to get too possessive. Anyway Sharon wanted to go ..so we got a cab . . I bombed (big hickie on my neck again. Wonder if he gave Nicole one? Wonder if they even got together) Woke around 9:00.. Waited 1½hrs till I had to wake Sharon to ring mum. At home, around 11:30 (went to see Sandra next door..talk about the (her) party) [?? I have no idea what this was about] Wasted the day. Mark rang he ’cause he was given a message that I rang him, but I didn’t: I think maybe Nicole. (no, won’t pin names to anyone) […because you recognised that you were only guessing and the likelihood of your being wrong was great, IF you ever found out at all…] Keith rang & tried his (usual) hardest to get me jealous or curious about Mark & Nicole – he could’ve been lying anyway but I doubt it. Of course it hurts to think he would’ve gotten with her, but it’s none of my business and besides, my weekend wasn’t bad: 3 guys!! that’s a first! [Definitely.] And there’s always Stuart – I’m sure Mark’s jealous of him. I could be bitchy to Nicole, but I realised that’d prove to Mark & Keith that it hurts etc. [In other words, jealousy would be my undoing; displaying weakness.] Mum got drunk at the Fishers today & was very upset depressed about Geoff [he ex-partner].. she slept all arvy into nite. [My mum wasn’t a big drinker at all. She and Geoff would’ve been separated for well over eight months by this stage, so my guess is her depression was merely a result of the alcohol, inflating any existing feelings of loneliness, because to my knowledge she never attempted to resurrect their relationship…]

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Thigh Numbness, Inquest Prep & A ‘Pissy’ Weekend (7-13 September)

Monday 7/9/87

I got out of doing my bio test tomorrow. I’ll have to do it Friday big lunch into 6th period, tute (CAD for me). But I’m not “off the hook”… my Maths will not be “good” . . I’ll stuff it, I’m sure. If I can learn the theory tonite & try to revise more prac. stuff (problems) tomorrow, maybe I’ll scrape through. Fi, & mima went home at little lunch- Joannah wasn’t even at school. Mark stayed.. I hung around him, Chris, Cameron, Steven at big lunch (laughed so much → my stomach muscles are so sore after the weekend) [!!!] Also, strangely (and fucking very annoyingly & disturbingly & upsettingly) my left knee, above it – inside thigh is numb. Been like that for the whole day (since last night) WHY? Hope its not permanent. [It wasn’t. But my concern was borne of the struggle to accept the permanence of the scar on my right leg. During a consult with a ‘revisive’ (plastic) surgeon only a few weeks earlier (see Saturday’s entry in this post) the penny dropped: it was affirmed, I realised and had to begin to accept, that my body could not ‘right’ (heal) this injury to the extent that it could render other superficial flesh wounds (virtually) invisible over time. The damage was too great, the result was permanent and I, as a teenaged girl obsessed (just like any other) with body image, had to come to terms with this. Any wonder I was nervous?] A Life in WordsActually started Fash. Des. work in art today . [Considering fashion design had been one of my strongest career dreams this would have been exciting for me.] Got separated for talking in english . [Ha! That’s a rare occurrence.] Handed in about 4 pracs in chem this morning. I’ll be so glad when this week’s over!! It’s 10:36 – hope I’m not too tired during the exam 2morrow

Tuesday 8/9/87

Ha, ha. Fail in maths, severely. left out 2Q’s (each worth 4 marks) to begin with (the last 2) & all the rest I practically am “hoping” they’re right. /40 I’ll probly get about 5 -no more than 15 for sure. Did chem HW tonite (nothing really substantial tho’.. must try 2morrow morning, then esp. at night: exam Thursday.) Found out during lunch & 6th on Friday – we’ll be at the courthouse, going thru’ proceedings with police (or whatever) [The bus crash inquiry (“death inquest”) was to begin next week. This was a big deal not just for me, but everyone involved in the crash …and pretty much the entire Cairns community…] Postpone biol. exam yet again! Chem. lecture tomorrow (I think) Wonder if it’s interschool? Hope so. [You wanna perve don’tcha, Liss?] Hot day → cloudy towards the end. I’m addicted to Kit Kats A Life in Words[and I’d say they’re probably still one of my top picks IF I were coaxed into buying a commercial chocolate…] (choc. in general) I must give it up- I’m getting fatter & my face is starting to break out again. Oh no! It’s 9:40 now. Earlier nite than previous 4 or 5 nights. Free dress day Friday, too. I want to party this weekend!! G’night!

Wednesday 9/9/87

Mark was away today. that’s the main thing. Aside from that, the chem lecture was (interschool – only some schools & not many people at all -held at Civic Centre) boring. [I was most likely comparing this event to last year’s, at which (unbeknownst to me, until a few days later) I was ‘noticed’ by an attractive guy from another school. (Check out Friday’s and Sunday’s entries in this post if you’d like the background) So perhaps I had my radar up, hoping for some kind of similar experience?] Cameron distracting. [Just as he was in every all of my chem classes!] Fiona’s going to Saint’s formal too, now. Not fair! Everyone is, it seems! Well I’ll just have to spend the whole weekend with Mark to make up for it. [Well, that’s interesting: it sounds very much like spending time with your boyfriend comes second to attending a social event (at which there’d potentially be many attractive guys) with your friends. Hmm… why are you in this relationship again?] We’ll probably end up going to the party afterwards, anyway. Cloudy day. * More junk today – I can’t help myself. A Life in WordsOn the scales this arvy (I expected them to break) I weighed only 61½kgs- I thought I’d be well over 64! Lucky! [Scales don’t mean anything. Really, how much of that weight is fat and how much lean tissue?] But I feel fat & my skins not too good. [That’s a better indicator of your health. What’s happening at the cellular level?] Wonder why on earth Mark was away? Julia said she saw them driving Sheridan Street just around 3:00 or something heading north cairns direction. Would like to have rung him- had they the phone on at David’s.. . he got 25 for maths exam! (I got 22 so surprised I passed!) Also gorgeous (& funny) photos I saw of Mark (& Steven) that are going in the Euroka [our school magazine/yearbook]. SO TIRED. WILL POSSIBLY FAIL CHEM TOO. Strangely, I don’t feel I will, though. Hopefully…

Thursday 10/9/87

Chemistry? What a frigging laugh! I know I have 3 marks, for sure. I’ll get more than 15 I think, but it’s /50 so that’s not good enough. Mark said he slept yesterday & watched videos & when julia saw them, was when they were going to the “wreckers” to get a something-or-other for the fuel tank (a lid?) So, art was boring cause people were in town doing the fence-painting.. Ms . Marsland interviewing CAD music kids at Trinity Bay. English bludge – Mr G. away: talked to Mr McKenzie. [our principle – he may have been caretaking our class? That didn’t happen often…] Lunchtime was fun : Yr 11 girls/Yr 12 guys feud ..makes me laugh!! So funny! Went late night with Fi tonite (had to do grocery shopping  for her mum – who’s sick) (!!!) Could not find anything I liked, to wear for tomorrow Not a single thing. Fi &I were so pissed off_ we actually had money to spend, but there was nothing we wanted to spend it on. A Life in WordsMark & Keith appeared (pinched my bum hard) disappeared, then reappeared before they left. Mark wanted me to buy him a shirt or something . too bad! Sweetie!!! (yukky word) Cutie! Yeah! [Oh mah Gawd] Well only biol. exam Tues. & english assign. for Friday. ∗ Gonna rage this weekend!!!! [Expectation …can lead to Disappointment…]

Friday 11/9/87

I’m tired – it’s 10:00 – I’m going to do something tomorrow night, no matter what. Pissed off, I am pissed off. I know I shouldn’t be, and I don’t want to be, but deep down I am. I went late nite shopping (with Julia) with Cameron (and as it turned out, Glyn, Deanne & Her sister) and it was so boring. Again, I saw some stuff, but nothing I thought was actually worth buying. I thought it’d be good & get my mind off Mark going to the [House on the] Hill [nightclub] tonight (Glyn was too, I think) Cameron didn’t want to & I don’t know about Steven Anyway, he was quite affectionate (well, his responses to me were very good) after school (when, incidentally, he said he wouldn’t go late night shopping with me, but denied he was going to the Hill. “Ring you tomorrow” he said) Got 24¼/50 for chem. Much better than I thought (almost passed!) [My how attitudes change! In primary school and at my previous high school (Smithfield High) this would literally have been the End of the World. Anything less than a High Achievement ‘killed’ me. I guess it’s a positive that I learnt (by default: losing interest in schoolwork due to my burgeoning social & love lives since the switch to Cairns High) to accept failure/disappointment with less Stress?] Busy day really : appointment with Ms Forbes took a while (I wore all black today) Mark wore his green shirt. I love it – so spunky! Trip to Courthouse was short really.. Trina, Becca G & I will have to be crossexamined cause we didn’t write statements .. will have to tell our story & will then be questioned. SHIT!

A Life in Words
I received my summons to appear in court for the bus crash inquest on 24 July.

Saturday 12/9/87

After a pissy night last night, I wanted a great night tonight –  seems everybody, everything is against me. […here we go…] I went to town this morning with Julia & mum & finally bought some tan shoes from Sportsgirl (you guessed it – to wear tonight) (After last nite – I slept badly waking lots – hoping Mark’d  come to my window, like I am now) So I waited all arvy. Around 3:30-4:00, I got a little tense; still no call, let alone visit. [….and I couldn’t contact him because he was staying at a place where there was no phone…] (I’d seen him (& he saw us) in his car around 12:00, when we  were on our way home & he waved) I’m SO hurt. I couldn’t stop tears now & then. He said he’d ring me & he didn’t. He must’ve forgotten (& that really hurts – to think he could forget me) After being out last night, without me, doesn’t he want to see me tonight? I am so hurt. So, of course, I stayed home even after making a skirt to wear as well. I want to get angry with him but I know I won’t. [Just as well… it wouldn’t do any good. But you have other options…] GOD IT HURTS. How could he “forget” me & if he didn’t , why didn’t he call? There’s no excuse. What’s he doing now? Who’s he with[For all your claims about trusting him…] God, I worry too much. NO! I’VE GOT THE  RIGHT to be worried & HURTA Life in Words

Sunday 13/9/87

I was still pissed-off (hurt) today, but it was wearing thin(-ner). I rang Fi around 11:00 – she said Jay’s BBQ wasn’t very good because Chris H rolled his car (8 or so people in it) at the bottom of Petersen St. Made Fi feel sick after that. [I can imagine: rolling bus, rolling car… too similar a feeling. I still react to excessive speed on right-hand curves to this day. A fast veer left doesn’t ignite a vague, deep-seated panic in me like the righthand turn.] I did nothing, really, all day (should’ve studied biology or done English assignment) Half-hoping Mark’d call or visit. But, alas (??), no. I thought how I’d be angry with him. So we got ready to go to the LeBerhz’s around 4:00 – leaving just after 5:00. Watched TV & video there – also talked alot about the crash, inquiry & showed my photos. Was quite good. At home, 9:30 I knew it – message for me to ring Mark (where?) […was he back at his parents’ house where there was a phone, now?] but mum said it was too late. [Our general rule was no phone calls after 7:30-8pm. It’s one I still follow today and, to be honest, I usually won’t answer my phone if someone calls after those times too. Night time is quiet time for me. (But I’m also not one for talking on the phone much anyway…)] So now I’m ready for bed: not yet too nervous about tomorrow. When will I call Mark? Where do I call him? I’ll see him tomorrow lunchtime : I will be nonchalant to him – but get angry if I need to (ha, ha as if I could.) Well I’ll try. [Entertaining Mind conversations…]

Mood Swings, Errant Incisors & The Jody Keen Memorial Trophy (31 August-6 September)

Monday 31/8/87

Well it’s 10:30: I have only ½ my english assignment done (if I don’t hand it in before school tomorrow I get 0/20) and I have ASAT (Australian Scholastic Aptitude test) tomorrow, which I haven’t even looked at the booklet, for. [See this post from a fortnight ago if you want a little more detail about the ASAT] Great, huh? I really felt conscious today about my schoolwork .. I’m going to work harder to get everything right for my exams – maths, chem & biol. next week. [Yeah yeah, heard it all before…] MUST do well. Got my art mark Got 16/20- I was disappointed: a few people got 20’s -about 5. But I made her [my teacher] ‘up’ my mark by one, so I’m a V.H now, at least. [Well …that’s interesting. I don’t remember that, and can’t believe I was that …”assertive”. Some assertiveness in other areas of my life would’ve been helpful…] God, I’m tired & I know I’ll stuff up the ASAT tests. SHIT. I won’t even get my english assignment done. God help me. I barely talked to Mark at all today. He’s really getting me down – he is so bored with me & that really does nothing for my ego. A Life in Words[And I was way too young to realise that Ego IS the problem…] Wrote a letter – not sure if I’ll send it yet. I’ll get Fi to read over it & tell me if it’d make him react wrongly (ie: MAD) [LOL, a ‘wrong reaction’?!] mucked around in biol. though I actually was a bit more bold & felt really relaxed around him. could tell he was still bored with me tho’. Please change back Mark – be romantic again. [Wanting or expecting someone (anyone!) to Change = nothing but Pain]

Tuesday 1/9/87

I arrived later than usual trying to get my english done (I didn’t) went up to do ASAT tests . . were hard, generally, although some parts were easier than others. . at little lunch I left straight away: finished my assignment at home then went to see the orthopaedic surgeon (Dr Bottoms) he talked a lot went in late, of course; came out around 1:35. . […and the result was? I can’t recall, or even guess, whether this appointment was actually for my personal ‘benefit’ or related to the building of my Third Party compensation claim from the bus accident…] got back to school near start of 6th period. Boring in art; did little in chemistry (Cameron distracting me a lot) after school, I went up to talk to Mark, for the first time of the day: “What’s wrong?” I said cheerfully. No answer “OK” I said & sat next to him. He said “Don’t ever say that to me again.” I was just shocked. “What?” “What’s wrong?” I sat really bewildered & depressed & upset – I moved over to Fi & tears sprang up. What the fuck had I done wrong? I was very upset. At home rang Fi – she said ring him – wasn’t home, so rang me back – seemed cheerful enough – said “I just hate people saying that – giving me sympathy when I don’t need or want it.” SHIT. OK. I fucking got the message. A Life in WordsWrote another letter -told him about them & I’ll let him read them tomorrow

Wednesday 2/9/87

Fucked up day. Pissed off cause stupid bitch wouldn’t let me go for my learners cos I only had I.D. no birth certificate. Then I went to courthouse to get it & found out I have to send away to Brisbane (will take ages) then I get home this arvy & mum finds out I’ve got it after all. & tonight I’m really shitty about my teeth The fucking gap is growing bigger, still. soon it’s going to be just the same as it was – fucking mile wide. [For those who haven’t been following my ‘story’, I’d grown up with an impressive sized gap between my teeth – as well as a decent overbite – which I hated (see my post Welcome to My Life for more detail & a picture) but had to wait until I was about fourteen to receive the quite complex & lengthy corrective (orthodontic) treatment I desperately desired. Once I was permitted to ditch the final piece of oral apparatus – my plate – I didn’t realise the stubborn gap would slowly, sneakily open up again. It certainly didn’t return to its original size, and I don’t recall being overly conscious of it, but years later I finally discovered the cause: my ‘frenum’ – the tissue connecting my top lip to my gum – was so thick and large that it forced my teeth to separate again. A Life in Words(My sister had the same problem: thanks for those genes, mum and/or dad!) Needless to say, my dentist at the time performed a ‘frenectomy’ (ASAP!) to remove the offending tissue and my incisors slowly shifted toward each other again. Yay!] ASAT finished thank god. Saw Mark’s photo’s from (before) the formal. He got my letters but hasn’t read them yet. Bet he did tonight & I’ll bet he’s shitty tomorrow or something. [That’s positive thinking!] He’ll probably say “stuff you bitch – I won’t go out with you anymore then.” PISS OFF. I’m in the worst mood. [No?!] He was rather nice today tho’. Made an effort, kind of (Are you sure you didn’t already read those letters??) Wierd. Hot weather – but still cool at nights & in early morning (to about 9:00) Don’t be angry Mark – I love you too much. [Illogical reasoning! The act of loving someone bears little influence on their moods.]

Thursday 3/9/87

Well we had a parade this morning – Mr McKenzie received a certificate for the crash (or something) [I can’t recall this, but I am certain it would have been for his amazing conduct, leadership & compassion during and after the bus accident] and, Mark seemed O.K. today. He gave me the formal photos from his dad’s camera. This arvy I got upset a bit because he resorted to the usual “I don’t like you & I’m never going to talk to you again…” routine I’m sick of it [again; you DO have a  choice…].. and I hate, detest hearing it from him. Jesus. My english exam I found pretty easy- I know I’ll pass, but don’t know how “well” I’ll do. My appointment with Ms Forbes [our school counsellor] was a waste: she was busy so I had to see that guy Mr Inskip & I forgot all my material anyway so it was a waste. […of time. And we know how much I hate ‘Waste’…] A Life in WordsI was rude, I think – it was so tired. Finally finished copying out M’s & C’s letters. [Mark gave me these to read the week before. I must’ve found them so entertaining that I wanted to make copies. Go back to Thursday’s entry in my previous post if you want to know a bit more about them.] It’s 10:37. I’m dead! Wonder if Mark’ll talk to me tomorrow. God that hurts. I’m so sorry I’m a sook.

Friday 4/9/87

A Life in Words
Jody at our leadership camp, just a few hours before the bus crash that took his life.

Well, we talked a bit, but after school we had a big talk. It lasted about 45 mins and, had I not been out picking Julia & Cherie up from the movies, and doing quick grocery shopping with mum, he would’ve rung & we would’ve talked more. He doesn’t know what to do about our relationship: he, oh, I don’t know (either does he) [hmmm, I’m not sure about that…] Boring day. My appointment was another waste of time today – Mr Inskip hopeless. Did QTAC forms this morning period one (the day’s timetable was totally rearranged) [The Queensland Tertiary Admissions Centre (QTAC) is the organisation that manages student course applications for pretty much all tertiary education centres in the state. You can imagine it’d be a pretty complex task…] God I’m tired. We lost the Rugby Union Final. Brothers (Saints) defeated us 14-4 & took the (new) Jody Keen Memorial Trophy. [Jody being one of our fellows killed in the bus crash. I remember feeling a bit disappointed that our CHS union team failed to claim a trophy dedicated to one of its own students, in its premier year.] P.N. spent lunch CH M,M!!! Said Hi this arv. too! [Crush, much?] Need to get to sleep soon: mima & fi & I going to town tomorrow, then Mark’ll ring or visit (he left a message on machine tonite). We’ll do something tomorrow night (He & Keith are moving into David’s (Keith’s brother’s) house for 2 weeks while he’s away) → (has no phone on) we still need to talk a lot.

Saturday 5/9/87

I slept very badly last night (Waking frequently) Woke around 7:00 this morning unable to fall asleep again, I got up. Around 8:45 mima & fi picked me up- we went to Earlville first (PN not work.) then into town.. not really exciting, but a good way to start off the weekend; just wish I had money to buy some clothes. At home, did chem, as well as resting a bit. Mark & Keith came around 3:00, we went for a drive (hockey fields) took Glyn (B.) home & then me. Jo rang tonite, after Mark; they came around 8:30 & we went to the House on the Hill. EMPTY!! Glyn came down; she had to be home by 10:00- Mark drove her. (Played pretty cool music, towards 11:00) When he came back ($ drinks) sat in Smithy’s till 11:45. (Mark was being really nice – that stuff I said about romance & chivalry might’ve got thru’ to him, because he was so sweet .. and I laughed a lot- couldn’t help smiling – even tho’ we didn’t dance (much), it was probly one of the best nights, up there .. music & Mark – the way he was!) Picked Glyn up [continued next page:]

Sunday 6/9/87

→again and back at David’s, we tried (supposedly) to sleep, but mucked around. I could never get bored with the ‘foreplay’ Glyn left around 3:00 – came in, & let us know she was going (!!!) […hmmm…] Slept – so tired. I woke around 6:00. . couldn’t sleep again for a while (wanted M. to wake but he wouldn’t) so eventually I dozed off. around 9:00 we were both wide awake & mucking around again. Keith “chucked a fit” around 10:00 (“Get up – make a move”) A Lfe in WordsAfter one crumpet, they took me home, where I dozed & slept till about 2:00 . . Mark rang, mid afternoon – sweet! I was surprised he rang “for no reason” – just to talk. And that we did (not a long phone call- I don’t like long calls anymore after that arguement he had with his folks that time) so I did chem. before going to dad’s. [Aha… Father’s Day] We sat for ¾hr waiting before going home again (where I tried to do maths) He rang about 8:30- said he only just got home. Too bad – he’s coming ‘fore school 2morrow to get his prezzy. It’s almost 10:00 now, I must get some more sleep!!! I ♥ MARK.

A Gas Explosion, ASAT Rehearsals & Something is Up (17-23 August)

Monday 17/8/87

Had a really good sleep last night – long! I woke around 9:30 today. (and spent nearly all day in bed anyway). [Still ‘off sick’ from school?] Still didn’t do any of my english assignment ..nor any study for my biology exam. But I’m taking tomorrow off, too: Nana’s funeral is at 10:00 – then at home I’ll have to get myself into gear & really work. [Uh-huh…] I did feel much better today – the chest region is much less blocked & I’m coughing a lot less. I only feel “off-colour” now & then, esp. when I eat, although I do have some sort of appetite back (I’ve lost 2kgs since I got sick!) [Yep, reducing caloric inatke will usually do that…] still can’t believe Mark was “worried” about me. He said that Sunday (after the Smithfield formal party) he couldn’t play baseball, because he was sick with grief at the thought that I’d leave him when I heard about him & Angela. I’m extremely flattered (for once!) [Oh my god.] In a way, it worries me, though. I don’t know if he’s over it yet. [You’re misreading your gut instinct…] BIG gas explosion in town today near Mike’s work – we heard it here!! A Life in Words[Freshwater (where we lived) is approximately 10 kilometres from the explosion site and there’s a mountain range separating them so that’s pretty impressive. (…but what do I know about explosions?) It was the result of an LPG storage unit catching fire and killed one person, injuring twenty-seven. Here’s a link to a public government record of the incident. There’s not a great deal of detail, but the comments provide some perspectives.]

Tuesday 18/8/87

Am feeling much better today. Eating is a bit easier – don’t feel as ill when I eat (ate a lot today!) I still cough – but only ’cause’ of the chest phlem. [Yep, I spelled it wrong] Still, I get very tired. I had to rest a number of times today & actually had a sleep. Nana’s funeral was at 10:00. It was quite short & I didn’t cry. I can’t. Because I’m happier that she’s gone – she’s not in pain ..she’s with grandpa at last, too. [I’d never known my maternal grandfather – he’d passed away during my mother’s childhood.] It’s a little sad thinking about how she was, knowing I won’t see her again, but I’m just glad she’s resting in peace. I just wish she didn’t go out the way she did..that’s the sad part. [I’m not exactly sure what I meant there – whether it was referring to the ‘humiliation’ of being a morphine ‘vegetable’ or the rheumatoid arthritic disease experience as a whole. Either way, the attitude I’d developed towards death is obvious: not afraid of Death itself, but the way in which we meet it. A Life in WordsPrior to the bus accident, I’d always believed the only way to ‘go’ was to pass peacefully in your sleep (being unconscious of it). After the accident, experiencing firsthand the power of Shock; the body’s incredible hormonal response to immense trauma, to ‘thwart’ the conscious Mind, I’ve come to realise that the death experience can be – if not ‘peaceful’ – at least ‘tolerable’ in wider range of scenarios. Nana effectively died peacefully because the morphine interfered (greatly) with her consciousness.] Mark didn’t ring again tonight. I’m sure now something’s still up. I have a strong feeling he’s letting me go (cos he thinks I don’t love him.) He is all I think about! [That ‘strong feeling’? Listen to it.] All the aunts (Joy, Nancy & Ruth) + Cynthia & Dougie stayed all day. Hilary is going home tomorrow: stopping in Brisbane to scatter Nana’s ashes (hopefully with grandpa’s) Is 9:43. Take tomorrow off [school – that’s been quite awhile, now…] to study biol & do my eng. assign. (I’m still too tired in the day to go back) [oh I see…]

Wednesday 19/8/87

What a waste! I’ve written 2 sentences on my assignment & done no biol. study, watsoever! [Surprise, surprise!] A Life in WordsI read Julius Caesar today, but that was about all I did. I’m going to die tomorrow- I’ll be so behind- this weekend I’ll really have to knuckle down & work (HA, HA) [Even I don’t believe myself!] Mr. G will kill me. Oh dear; that’s all I can think about. Auntie Hilary left today (I ate so much today) was rather hot, too. Auntie Joy’s going tomorrow. It looks like we’re off to Brisbane for xmas!! (Great! Hope I can go while mark’s out of town) Wish Fi could come, or something. She’s having trouble with Jemima (it’s got to do a bit with me & everyone really) she’s just sick of all the Grade 12’s. – sitting with Yr 11 girls. Fi came round this arvy to talk – she got her lisense today! Still no call from Mark. Am hesitant about seeing him tomorrow. Will everything be O.K.?? Will have to get up early, I suppose, to do my english. Great. SO DAMNED BEHIND!

Thursday 20/8/87

Got over my assignment hassle O.K (didn’t get it finished – just talked my way out) But was supposed to have it done for tomorrow’s double lesson- & of course just like me, I didn’t bother to do any (any HW for that matter) of it. Will have to wake early tomorrow again to finish it Have only just under one page to write. Barely saw mima or fi for that matter but I know they weren’t together. Had ASAT [Australian Scholastic Aptitude Test] practise tests today. [These national exams are meant to determine each Australian students’ achievement at the completion of secondary schooling. Their applicability is becoming a societal discussion of late.] I only got 15 questions answered, but of those, I got 11 right! (Hope I can do as well, or better in the real ones) [Duh…] Read my ’83 & 84 diaries this arvy – so funny some of the things. [….try reading them in 28 years later!] 10:35 – yet another late nite. I told Jo about Adam M’s friend that likes me & she said “Philip N” I said “WHAT?” she said “He works with Philip..” my god that would be totally incredible. [Obviously I misheard Jo and got excited… a little crush, ya think?] Barely saw Mark at all – talked even less. I’m sure something’s still wrong. A Life in WordsGot Cabaret [Cairns High’s musical for the year] tickets- will pay Nigel tomorrow. Had to do thing about Monique for the Euroka this arvy- (Got photos of my leg too) Nigel read my eng. assign. on her & cried (I got 19/20 for it) [I don’t remember that… jeez, I wish I still had it… as well as all those photos of my leg…] am worried about Mark.

Friday 21/8/87

It’s 11:00. Can’t wait for tomorrow night! Got my english done (not before school as I’d planned, but during my english lesson. OK. finish, not great tho’.) Barely talked to Mark again… I’m positive something’s up: the same something as we talked about? I don’t know, but it gives me the shits. Tried to ring tonight (for once) but he was at Keith’s – too bad! I watched the movie & am now “dead”!! Tomorrow night’ll be ace! Cameron & I fighting in chem – he kicked me in the same place (left shin) 2 times- now I have a very sore lump (egg) [My shins have always been super-sensitive. I bruise really easily everywhere and often don’t know how I get a lot of them, but my shin bones… there’s NO way I’d be clueless about any damage sustained to them…] went into town with Jo & Fi after school …stayed in there for ages- Mr C dropped me home. Looking at all the great clothes (& shoes) in there (drool, drool) P.C.supp. (car) [← but I have absolutely NO idea what this cryptic wording means. I’m wondering if it’s related to the other Phil I had an interest in; Phil C.? Maybe I glimpsed him in a car? Pfft, who knows?] Bludge day, really. Pretty cool weather (about 27ºC) fine (sunny) I eat too much (fattening stuff) Must do lotsa HW tomorrow. Think I know who/that “guy” is. yukky Year 11 CAD guy. (I think that might be him cause I’ve noticed he’s nearly always around) YUKKY Mark, please get over this “phase”… it’s awkward for me. [LOL.] TIRED!

Saturday 22/8/87

A Life in WordsThe day at home was boring .. I listened to records/tapes while doing my art (weaving) – no HW (set HW) done Beautiful weather. . a little cloudy. Fi visited me late this arvy (Mark rang and it wasn’t a good phone call seemed so bored.. I felt really down after it) to borrow my black shirt. My hair was tied in rags [to create the messy wavy-crinkly look that was so hot back then!] (looked funny) Ran late of course: dinner at 7:15 – they came when I was just taking the rags out. CABARET was cool! Mark didn’t seem impressed. In fact he didn’t seem anything. I really don’t know what to do. Anyway I felt sick during last part (after interval) right up until 1:00 or so.. I lay in Fi’s car, then in Peter’s room. [There must have been an after-party…] I’m sure I was just sick from worry about Mark. [That’d be no surprise…] Jason got him to come in & we talked a little.. he thinks nothing’s happening.. so he left the room & I came out soon after .. just as well I did when I did because we left for the St. Monica’s party (Deena B) soon after (& Fiona was gone somewhere…

Sunday 23/8/87

→ I saw her ages later at the party. It was just as boring really. .had to pay for drinks etc (I couldn’t be bothered) I hung around Mark a lot in an attempt to change what has been happening all last week & the week before : that is: nothing. But I still got the feeling he didn’t want me near him. [What a waste of energy] I was especially upset when I showed him some affection & he totally ignored it. I left with Fi, very confused & slightly angry. – very hurt. Got home around 5:30, after hearing about Jo’s, Fi’s, Brendan L’s & Jason’s “problem” [??] wasted the whole day – weeping & thinking about mark. He rung in mid-afternoon. We had a very long D&M (deep & meaningful) was it meaningful? Um, yeah I guess. [….and? what? Clearly no resolution…] Tania visited just a few minutes ago (holidays from uni …didn’t know what to say) […well your sociability would have been compromised by your emotional state…] mark’s going through a “nonchalant” phase: not caring about anything. A Life in WordsI’ll just have to sit it out .. be patient as always. & hope it’ll pass soon. We talked a lot about breaking up & that worries me. [It must have been my tenacity, my resolve to not be ‘the ‘bad guy’ – the one to call it quits. I mean, it’s as obvious as a punch in the face that he wanted out, surely? I was clearly gullible, but not stupid.] NITE.

Tertiary Ed Enquiries, Hurt Feelings & Tears for Nana (3-9 August)

Monday 3/8/87

O.K. day. Couldn’t concentrate, though – still in great spirits from the weekend… so excited. Wish we could have it all over again. Rushed a shitty english assignment tonight. Really stupid. I hate it. Will have to read over & fix up (a lot) tomorrow A Life in WordsMark flicking me with rope & being a nusance (??) […I wasn’t sure I’d spelled nuisance correctly…] He rang me this arvy, cause he thought I’d be sooky. What a joker. Sometimes they really get to me, though. Getting hot again- too early. Had no fucking winter at all- piss me off. [Not these days, it wouldn’t…] Saw a few photos today; none of our group, though. Can’t wait till they’re all done. Ate a lot of shit food this arvy. Unnecessary. It’s 10:44 : I shouldn’t be having such a late night. Wanna sleep in, but probably won’t be able to. SCHOOL’S SO BORING.

Tuesday 4/8/87

I got rather upset today at lunchtime. In fact I was (felt) nearly ready to break up with him (but I knew I wouldn’t, couldn’t) [of course not…] His jokes go too far. It’s not fair, I feel as if I’m doing all the giving; he’s taking. It’s just as well I’m so goddammed patient & forgiving (I love him too much) [Needy? Possessive?] I hate his pride; his self esteem. I feel I’m competing with it all the time. What really hurt was when he got out his NIKKO pen and scribbled out (on his port) my name: “Elissa loves me” & wrote “sux”. A Life in WordsTHAT HURTS MORE THAN I CAN SAY I hope you’re reading this. [!!!] I hope I will get through to you one day about just how gentle you need to be with me. Be thankful I have little pride, [oh dear] & lots of patience.. DON’T TAKE ME FOR GRANTED. [It’s incredible how completely your perspectives can change over time.] I had dance practise at Smithfield High tonite. Boring. The dances are silly- I don’t like them. I’m much more at home with CHS & those dance pracs. we had. [I developed an intense ‘loyalty’ to Cairns High …or should I say, bias?] Got my english done. No other HW, tho’. Mark asked me if I’d like to watch them play Americans [in baseball, I assume] Friday Arvy. Wonder if he still does? (Seeing as I suck) [ouch!] So tired. So bored.

Wednesday 5/8/87

Yet again: another late night. (10:30) I am so tired. I can never seem to get any HW done, either. Better mood today.. I said hi to him (thought “uh-oh”) […expecting no, or worse a negative, reaction] but he turned & smiled! (kind of). Not so joking in biol., then big lunch was really good. I was in a crazy (laughing) mood & we got on v. well. I think he was even affectionate, in a way!!! [Yo-yo relationship much?] Then Cameron, no, Brent doubled me to the North Cairns Reserve … caught up with Fi, Anna, Danäe, Juliet, Colleen & Jude. No one was there for soccer [I’m assuming this was my recreation choice for this semester]: a lady came  & told us that for this day it was at Endeavor Park.Days of our Lives We were too lazy to walk there (too far!) So went to Jude’s & watched Days of our Lives. Linda got photos developed – I’d like some of them. Warm weather. SHIT. Dance practise boring. (Jason P was there: he took me home this arvy) God I’m tired. Must do some work soon. Mark (& the boys) are going out Sat. night. I want to go to Croc Rock after the [Smithfield] formal, but no one else seems to want to. Even if she [who?] did & wanted after to go to the party.. [Wha..?] Mark’d probly not want me to hang around the guys. “BOYS NIGHT” I guess. [Well that was one confusing little sentence there. I obviously had one particular girlfriend in mind, whom I (failed to name, and) was hoping might accompany me after the formal to the night club and/or party …even though my ultimate aim was to locate my boyfriend… whom I then presumed most likely wouldn’t want me there?!]

Thursday 6/8/87

Well, he wasn’t quite “affectionate” today: I was the one who did all the “first moves” They’re (the boys) are going out Saturday night (boy’s night (!!)) We didn’t talk very much, but got on …O.K. when we did. So cool tonite (expected min. 15) I was quite cold at times today – a cold (cool) wind blowing. My appointment (with mima) with Ms Forbes this afternoon was very long, but I’ve sorted out basically what courses I’m looking at, and what uni’s & colleges I’ll attend. [You mean, you’ll “apply for”… not very many walk straight into their ideal course…] (No HW tonite) Finished my formal film today, at lunchtime A Life in Words[to explain to the youth again: when we took photos (with actual cameras, not phones) back in the day, we had to put a little canister inside the camera, which contained only enough film for a certain number of photos. I’d clearly not used up my reel’s quota at the formal so brought my camera to school and took random shots on this day in order to ‘finish the film’] – can’t wait for it to be developed + the professional photos are done: they’re excellent, but so expensive. Bored out of my wits in art all day. Is 9:40.. earlier than usual tonite! Nice & cool (cold) My feet are cold! Mark & I should do something together tomorrow night, if he wishes. (Hope so) [Oh good god; if that doesn’t scream ‘subservience’ I don’t know what does…]

Friday 7/8/87

*Took first pill tonight. Today was a fairly good day. Got to school a bit late … double english was a bludge – still watching Macbeth video: went to see Ms. Forbes, but mima and I spent our whole time (3rd period) sorting out differences in courses offered last year & this year. BORING. NO, interesting really. Am tired now. How will I last tomorrow night? [Did I actually mean, would I stay awake? Or was I referring to ‘surviving’ the formal it appeared I wasn’t keen on attending?] Double art talked all about the crash. Am getting $52 worth of those professional photos (that’s only 14 – RIP OFF!) [Approximately $3.72 per photo.. hmm, I can’t imagine professional photos would be that cheap nowadays?] Speaking of which, my formal photos are pretty good! “Bludge” day. Fire alarm during last period (chem.) after school, Jason took us to Rugby Union match.. CHS: Cameron, Chris & Glyn (etc) playing Brothers (Saints) Lo & behold P, N, I went [over the moon]!! A Life in Words[I’d thrown a little ‘cryptic’ illustration in (see pic) instead of blatantly writing the ‘incriminatory’ words. Incriminatory because …how could I be attracted to anyone else when I already had a boyfriend?] When I got home, rang Mark – but he rang back when he got home! I went to his house around 7:15. We did nothing really .. went for a drive with Sandra & her friend (forgot her name) to pick Paul up from work. After we lazed round in his room.. then about an hour before I left, around 12:30 we ….. we amused ourselves doing …well… GUESS→special significance→* [Alrighty then! Even though I know most of you would have put two and two together I decided, since a picture speaks a thousand words, to include one from my diary for, you know, even more clarity. A Life in WordsYou see, I often wrote more than the lines on the page would allow so I’d return to the top margin of the page to continue the entry (if need be). So you can now comprehend the role of those punctuative arrows above.] Am so tired- is 1:30 & is raining. Tomorrow nite (after the formal) should be ACE

Saturday 8/8/87

A Life in Words
Part of the now quite weathered clipping that appeared in the Cairns Post in the following week

Spent the day doing nothing: we fixed my black dress with the turtleneck (my CAD exhibition one) up for the formal (well, mum did, with Mrs B’s help, when she & Jemima came to visit: I had very little to do with it) [honesty!] Did run late: Gordon came & I was still finishing make-up. Forgot the pill ..2nd night & I forgot, so, after picking up Justine & Jason (& getting photos done – we’ll be in the paper!) we were running late when we went back to my place so I could take it. [Oh really? What would I have said, I wonder? “Hey guys I forgot to take my contraceptive pill, can we please go back for that? It’s really important because I’ve only just started taking it” …just doesn’t seem like something I’d say.] At the formal, it was a bit boring at first, but ended up like a dance at the end (that Allen guy is really nice!!) Around 1:30 Jason took me to this guy’s place [?] and he “escorted” me in.. […to the ‘guy’s place? No, it turns out I’ve written another confusing sentence: it appears we dropped by some guy’s place then went to the House on the Hill (Crocodile Rock) where Jason ‘escorted’ me in…] Guess what? I should’ve expected it ..they weren’t there : none of the guys.. [nor] Joannah or Sharon. Only Colleen and Anna. They said they’d come back soon, cos’ they had to pick them up (they went to the party) But we danced till 3:00→ a whole hour & they never came. So 3:15 I got Jay to take me to the party: and, you guessed it, they’d already left there. I was so upset & pissed off. How could they [next page…]

Sunday 9/8/87

→do this? Especially Joannah (& Sharon & Jude) cos’ she said she would meet me there: we arranged it. And she went back on her word. So Jay took me home & I went to sleep around 4:30. Woke this morning to the fucking phone : Mum was in the shower, so I had to answer it. I’m so tired. And feel .. well, I can’t describe it. I am v. pissed off but I know I won’t be able to get mad with anyone I haven’t the courage. I shouldn’t feel this, but I’m upset about it : esp. thinking about Mark. Fuck it. I’m so angry. WHY couldn’t they have waited ½hr till I got there; then left with me SHIT. Keith rang me today: I missed them by only minutes at the party: I found out when Jo rang tonight that Mark spent nearly all the time talking to Angie (M) and he rang after that to tell me they were just talking. It felt so good: I felt so much better hearing it. from him. I wish I could let him know that I like him to tell me.. That I believe his word. That is trust. (Part of it anyway – a big part – I’m trusting him to tell the truth.) Bludged today – did nothing constructive Saw Nana from 2:15-3:30. I cried. She’s going around the bend. Physically, she’s in great pain (on morpheine) & a vegetable mentally (due to morpheine, brandy (for the pain) and lack of oxygen) A Life in WordsShe is delirious & doesn’t know anything.. moans, mumbles & groans continuously. [This visit was more heartbreaking for me than when she actually passed: I remember clearly being so upset I had to go outside and one of the nurses comforted me. I’m not sure about the brandy but she was definitely high on morphine. Her drug-induced dementia really upset me the most: she couldn’t recognise me let alone hold a conversation. To this day I would say that my pain was primarily fuelled by my desire to express my love (and say my goodbyes) to her, to have them acknowledged and returned…]

Cheerleading at the Foot’s Cup & ‘The Best Time of My Life’ (27 July-2 August)

Monday 27/7/87

Good day. I’m so excited about the formal now. Had our last dance practise tonight and I’ve pretty well got the knack of the 5 dances we’ve learnt. Mark was away today (from school, that is) [um, what else, if not school?] – very tired. Slept thru’ till about 4th period → 11:30, or so!!!!) Had dogshit on my shoe in chemistry – shit it stunk! Yukky! Told Fi all about Saturday night & Sunday morning . . the things we talked about Sat. nite, especially. So tired!!! Mr Grossetti finally back at school. Did no HW again. SHiT, I’m BAD. After school, went around trying to get a maths textbook. [We must’ve needed a different/new one for the final semester?] NOWHERE!!! Must get Mark to take me to get one from school- I don’t know where. [There was a second-hand ‘book shop’ at school but it was located in an area I didn’t ‘frequent’. It was almost dungeon-like; on the ground level of one of the main (oldest) buildings in the school.] Went to Mark’s place, on way home and dropped off his bowtie A Life in Words(wasn’t home – gone to Edge Hill school to play footie) He rang me anyway! After dance practise (we got on very well!) Sharon rang. Gonna organise getting to FOOT’S CUP Game on Wed. nite. YAY, YAY, YAY! [The Foot’s Cup was an inaugural, ‘unofficial’ rugby league game which I’d thought only involved Cairns High and Saint Augustine’s College, but my research (asking the question on Facebook!) seems to indicated that it may have also included Trinity Bay High, although no one seems certain. Suffice to say, it was a footy game between our school and some other one …and therefore a social event. In 1986 it was definitely against ‘Saints’ because I literally mentioned it; see Wednesday’s entry in this post ….Unless that wasn’t actually the Foot’s Cup?!]

Tuesday 28/7/87

Am bugared! Did no HW again, although I was more motivated tonite, than I ever have been since the start of this semester. [Quite an ironic position to be in, really… the ultimate in procrastination: motivation married with inaction] After school went & had my leg photographed, [unfortunately I don’t have these photographs. If they were actually in the case file I received after its conclusion, I must have (sadly) misplaced them] then off to look for Maths textbook. HOPELESS- none left anywhere in town. Will have to ring about a secondhand one. A Life in WordsFOOT’S CUP Game tomorrow night & I’m going to cheer-lead too! (Linda dropped out) FUN, FUN, FUN! [Ok so, cheerleading Cairns-style in the 80’s was nothing like your modern fanfare: in fact, it didn’t much resemble the cheerleading style we perceived from American movies and TV shows back in the day either. It was, shall we say, not terribly well organised and certainly nowhere near as physically complex or demanding…] Got on v. well with Mark today- it’s good now that I’m his friend, more. Esp. in biol… I sat with him while he talked to Duane, Alan, and them (something I wouldn’t’ve done before) [So timid around the male species. I’d had minimal association with them for most of my life, to date.] But I’m so (well not “so”) relaxed now. [Honesty!] Jo was away. [This indicates to me that we were starting to build a deeper friendship. While we definitely weren’t as close as I’d been with Monique, Jo and I had begun hanging out a bit and she was definitely becoming one of my ‘besties’.] Can’t wait for the formal. I’m so tired; is 9:45. Punish myself with late nights. MUST get a move on, concerning work. [yeah, yeah…] Weather’s warming up again. (POOPY!!) Freddie [my current chosen pseudonym for menstruation] finally. Good, but bad. Oh well.

Wednesday 29/7/87

SO tired. FOOT’S CUP was postponed till Friday night instead. But I went with mum to pick up Julia & Petra from the Smithfield Musical at the Civic Centre. So it’s 10:55 now. God, I’m stuffed. Need more sleep: got new bras this arvy : a strapless one which is useless under my dress→ it shows out the top – mum’s taking it [the dress, not the bra!] back to Mrs E to get elastic put in – it’s too loose around the top. Boring day. I hate school. Haven’t got Freddie. Don’t know what [is going on]! Mark hasn’t bought the formal tickets yet→ leaving it late! His mum Bought him a pair of black socks so he won’t need mine. The black gloves in Val Carnes aren’t there: this arvy I went in…she rang [another store, down] south & they said they’re short ones, after all that! So said I could borrow hers. Rang her tonite but she wasn’t home at all. Will have to ring early tomorrow. [I’ve now ascertained that she most likely didn’t really want to loan my her own pair, and to be honest I completely understand why – teenagers represents a certain degree of risk, especially in a ‘social’ context (read: partying). Would she see her gloves again and if so, in what condition would they return? It’s a valid assumption, yes?] Am getting excited! I’m gonna [CRASH] !! A Life in Words[←this was meant to be ‘boxed’ (see pic) It’s sometimes hard to recreate a few of my diary elements.]

Thursday 30/7/87

God, I’m a glutton for punishment! It’s 10:21. why do I have such late nights (& never do any HW?) Tomorrow will be fairly late, too. Wonder if I can sleep in tomorrow. Made my necklace today (tonight) is fairly good! [Haha, that’s right! I couldn’t afford to buy an actual diamonté (it was all the rage at the time) necklace, so created my own from some diamonté dress ‘trimming’…you can kind of see it in my formal photos below.] Got my gloves this arvy.. not Val Carne’s tho’ ..she couldn’t find hers [!! I’m sure!]-I bought a pair of elbowlength [no typo; it appears as one word in my diary] white ones from the bridal shop in Andrejek’s Arcade. [Apologies to the Andrejics family for my ‘phonetic’ spelling…] will have to dye them. Also, as we’d dropped my dress in, in the morning, we picked it up this arvy – has elasticised top now – stays up better. Love it! Am so excited! Mark hasn’t got tickets yet. Uh-oh! Were a bit untalkative today – barely saw each other at all. God I’m tired! Sports Day tomorrow. Ugh! Am starting to eat again ..craving chips, esp. A Life in WordsAlso chocolate & ice cream (fruit icecream though; those FRUITO’S) [I think I meant ‘Weis’ bars…] So now it’s 10:30. Forgot to make an appointment with Annette [my hairdresser] Shit. Bet she’s booked out. I’m Dead! […tired, I expect that is. Not ‘dead’ because I failed to make my hair appointment. I’m not that much of a drama queen…?]

Friday 31/7/87

I’m really excited now! The sports day wasn’t too bad.. I got burnt- but not painful. It should fade enough for tomorrow night: copped a bit for being strapless etc, [really?] but who gives a ? [atta girl!] My face is quite red-I’m hoping that will fix. Fairly clear skin. Have hair appoint. at 8:30 tomorrow (will go all morning, Annette said!) Tully just beat Bruce today. [Our school sports houses: I was in Bruce. Your ‘house’ was determined by the complex system of …alphabetising surnames.] Auntie Hilary’s here! [I now know why: my grandmother was starting to fall seriously ill – she had been moved from her retirement village unit to the nursing area and was pretty much bed-ridden. It’s strange how little awareness we have in our youth …or is it just self-absorption?] Mark’s got the tickets – he was just giving me shit! [ah yeah… no surprises there. Remember that stuff about whingeing in the past couple of weeks? You virtually asked for ]  So hot today – unbelievable! Briefly saw Nana after school (& then Annette) Got ready in a rush ; (after tonnes of phone calls) picked up Sharon & Justine. Felt very self-conscious about my leg [the visibility of my scar]→ wore leggings tucked up like bicycle shorts [Even though my scar was exposed every day at school, the conspicuousness of a cheerleading role would’ve made me more aware (fearful) of (greater numbers of) others observing (and therefore potentially scrutinising) it …or me.]→but had great fun although CHS lost. Mark left just before the end – said he’d ring. God tomorrow’s gonna be so busy! CAN’T WAIT! Definitely a Red letter day: wish Monique was here to share it. Is 10:15. So much for an early night. Hope I can get 10hrs anyway. Probly not. [Psssh!]

A Life in Words
…after the ‘failed’ professional hairdo…

Saturday 1/8/87

Woke early (angry!! Why can I never sleep in when I need to? SHIT!) Went to the hairdresser’s – washed hair …set in rollers & under the dryer for ages. It was REVOLTING when she’d finished. I faked a grin & left. At home I pulled it apart. YUK. [Yep, I definitely threw a tanty at home…] Did nothing in particular before starting to get ready (properly). I mean I dyed my gloves again (cause they only went dark grey) and things like that. Mark rang. Talked about nothing in particular I rang him. No one can come except Dad & Auntie Hilary to see me dressed. Nana’s too sick & Uncle Mike & Cynthia are in Brisbane. Oh well. [There’s a hint of exhibitionism…] It’s only 3:14. Next time I write’ll be tomorrow. Bye! (Wish me luck & a good time- I’m so excited!!!) [I didn’t actually leave a space in my diary, just followed straight on. This became an occasional habit, especially when I knew I’d be too late or tired to make the entry when I got home: writing an initial entry, in order to reduce the mental effort required to recount everything on the following day. I actually find myself doing this on an almost regular basis these days, simply to lessen my nighttime ‘duties’ …to get to sleep sooner!]

A Life in Words
Here’s the full outfit. So very… 80’s. There are no other words for it.

Well Hi. I’m so tired! Let’s see: Amanda came up shortly after I finished writing earlier, I assume]. I started getting ready around 4:15 -a lavender bath – everything planned. A slight rush towards the end ..with my hair & make-up; [beautiful blue eye shadow – blech!] Dad got photos. Mark came after 2 photos, saw Nana (she’s really not good at all) [We’d arranged to call into the nursing home so Nana could see me in my ‘glory’; to witness one of her grandchildren’s rites of passage. As I write this, I must admit sadly that as far as I can remember, this was the last lucid visit I had with her.] Mark was uncomfortable, I could tell. After photos at his place, picked up Steve & Sue & drove round for a while till 7:30. Inside, sat & drank 2 glasses horrible wine (on my empty stomach) and got happy. [See, now that would be an absolute impossibility these days: Liquor Licensing would have shut that venue down immediately for allowing even one drop of alcohol being within the reach of ‘minors’. There are incredibly huge penalties now for venues and even individuals (yes I believe that includes parents) caught supplying alcohol to the under-aged. I think on the night we were permitted one glass each and I might’ve ‘scored’ my second from someone who didn’t want theirs.] Walking round talking to people, having photos taken, even dancing. I was really happy (in all senses of the word) Phillip N gave me a compliment (not to me tho’ .. Fi overheard him say it→ I was so […next page…]

Sunday 2/8/87

excited. Steve & I went to the Pacific to find Mark & Sue, at one stage. Lotsa photos, talking, hugging, dancing (not any of the dances we learnt, did I do!! There weren’t enough opportunities to, anyway) Walked to Keith’s after.. Mr B took me, Sue, Cameron, Seigi & Nicole to the party after stopping at my place to pick up my gear. I changed at Jo’s & skulled 2½ cups of punch. Stood very happy talking, hugging, eyeing off Philip N & Mark. It was a letdown, really. [Privacy omission] The formal was by far the best part. The best time of my life. I’m not joking. Ended up leaving around 3:30→ slept at Keith’s – Nicole, me, him & Mark (←very drunk) [It’s interesting, considering my ‘issues’ with Nicole, that I hadn’t commented about this… I mustn’t’ve felt as threatened?] woke around 10:00 – but dozed till 11:30. Breakfast at 12:00. They took me home at 1:00, or so & I did nothing for the rest of the afternoon, Amanda came up & we all laughed heaps. Uncle Mike came for tea. It’s 8:50 Wanna get good sleep tonight. God it was EXCELLENT. Wish I could do it all over again. I got so many compliments- I felt pretty (esp. with a guy like Philip N noticing me!!) [It’s unfortunate that our positive self images often rely upon the opinions of others, isn’t it?] CANNOT WAIT for the photos to be developed. CANNOT WAIT! Only wish Moni had been there. [Naturally.] Then it would have been complete. (Cameron does too, I’m sure)

Rocky Relations, Ambulance Chasers & the Red Letter Day (20-26 July)

Monday 20/7/87

Why do I bother opening my mouth? It seems every word I utter is ridiculous, stupid & ends up hurting someone (Mark, of course) [With hindsight I can say this is ‘doubtful’] I woke this morning, after an O.K. sleep, to a practically pain-free throat, but it still felt wierd. [I consistently spell this word incorrectly. And I mean, all the time!] I stayed home; sleeping until about 11:30 (on & off) (I think I needed that) As the day progressed I felt better & better. After my  haircut (had trouble, still, talking to Annette; my voice is extremely nasally & feels “false) Beka rang, then Mark. And thats when it happened. I don’t really like some of the things he told me. They got me worried (but, strangely, I’m not, in a way) – he said he sometimes feels hatred for me [well that’s full on…] hatredGreat. No matter how angry or upset I am with him, I could never feel hatred. [Same goes for anyone or anything. Hatred is not in my vocab…] He said his feelings for me “might have” changed. What does that mean? [I think it’s pretty obvious] How could he not like me anymore?? [Remember when your parents split up?] I can’t accept this. It’s the same as last year – no matter how hard I try, I will not believe he doesn’t like me. [Denial] Not a good phone call at all, after all. He said we’d talk tomorrow. SHIT [and here we go again…] 9:20

Tuesday 21/7/87

I got to school late as possible today. But he came even later….near the end of double maths. And at the end of the lesson, you should’ve seen him up & out of that classroom, A Life in Wordsfast as a bullet It was quite obvious he didn’t wish to walk me to art. I spoke not a word during little lunch. In biol, near the end, I tried But finally he snapped, “I don’t feel like talking now – it’s got nothing to do with you.” Bullshit. That’s why he’s talking & mucking round with everyone else. It’s a bit obvious. Just a bit[Sarcasm …in case you hadn’t detected it] Jemima came to the Esplanade with me. I was quite upset to start with. I barely sorted anything out with her. [Meaning she couldn’t shed any light on the situation for you, make you feel any better? Not that that was her responsibility…] Back at school, I stuck with her & noticed (lo & behold) Nicole sitting right between him & Keith. Vengance? Perhaps? No, he’s not like that. I talked to Keith in art. He didn’t know a thing. Cameron said in chem. Glyn saw me crying. I denied it. Only more evidence that I’m a sook After school I went straight to the car. Waited all arvy for Keith to call. He said Mark didn’t/wouldn’t say anything when he’d asked him after school & when he rang [who? Keith or Mark?] he couldn’t talk for long- Mark not allowed on the phone. [That’s a tad confusing] God, it gets me right DOWN

Wednesday 22/7/87

Well, well, well. I got a little depressed. I talked to him a little; asking questions etc in biol. and I got ‘grunts’ for most answers. I cannot see how, if he has problems at home, he must ignore me. So we didn’t talk the rest of the day till tonite at dance practise. And even then, to start with, it was very forced – strictly “business” (not pleasure, understand?) Oh well .. we can waltz now! Our Pride of Erin is exceptional!! I was so confused -he wasn’t looking in my eyes- avoiding them, yet now & then he’d touch my hand, pat my face. After, I tried to talk, but it was pointless. He said we could tomorrow. He said his feelings for me have changed. [that’s twice now, Elissa] I asked how +ve or -ve & he said Both ways. Well, Jezus, if I’m not worried, and upset and depressed and .. CONFUSED. [No surprises there] He left said “Bye.” Seigi talking to me she said “Do you hate Nicole?” SKINT [“how embarrassing to be confronted”] “No,” I reckon “why?” “lotsa people think you do” “who” “my friends, Nicole even.” Well, I went on about “well I am a bit pissed off with her sucking up to Mark” etc. Got out of that O.K. A Life in Words[Sounds like I was being dishonest, but I actually wasn’t: I didn’t hate her (I can’t ‘hate’ anybody) …I was just highly insecure… and whenever she gained his attention (whether or not she sought it intentionally – and I had obviously decided it was…) I was just plain old jealous. And it’s quite common for the jealous (fearful) to react negatively to their stimuli!] Spent sports arvy at Fi’s shop again. My cold/flu whatever it is, is O.K. I’m congested (mucus) and there’s a cough “on the rise”. I’m tired. NERVOUS- tomorrow!! MARK, THIS HAS TO BE THE LAST (for a long time, anyway) […last what? Argument? Talk? Ultimatum? Decision? Scare? I think I deliberately left the ball in his court: if there was to be a break up, I was not going to be ‘the bad guy’…]

Thursday 23/7/87

My voice kind of disintegrated today ..after all that talking & “squealing” at last night’s dance practise. It was really funny (my attempts at laughing.. ha ha!) Wonder if it’ll be the same tomorrow? Well, Mark & I talked a little today. Not much at all, but more than ever so far, this week. At the end of big lunch, he even joked with me! (& Fiona etc….of course) So I was quite happy. But things are still… “tense” (shall we say?) I think. A Life in WordsWe need to have a talk, ’cause nothing’s been sorted out, really. He’s paying for our formal tickets ($20 ea) + after formal party tickets ($5) so I pay for the limosine ($30) That’s pretty fair good! Went to the solicitor this arvy→ my summons [for the bus crash inquest] will be awhile, coming, yet.(cause my medical report is extensive) Everyone else, nearly, seems to have theirs now. Steve S [solicitor] reckons (told mum after I’d left the office) that I could claim $100 000!! [this is with regard to third party compensation from the bus accident] (He said he’d be very surprised if I got less than $40 000!! WOW!!!!) I’m not supposed to tell anyone. [I’m going to be a negative spoiler right now and reveal that that was WAY off the mark …and I now believe it was simply a carrot dangled in front of my mother, to secure her (our) representation ….by a law firm with a reputation for being ‘ambulance-chasers’…] Jesus, I hope Mark & I can sort things out soon very soon. I had my last dress fitting today. picking it up tomorrow. It’s beautiful. 10:45 Late nite must get more sleep

Friday 24/7/87

It got to me today; Mark’s mood. I really can’t understand what’s wrong & he won’t talk to me; I’d hoped we could do something tonight so I could talk to him, but his whole weekend, it seems, is conveniently set up already. A Life in WordsIt hurts so much. I really felt like balling my eyes out this afternoon. I’m SURE something’s up; he’s bored with me – falling “out of love”. [He has twice said this week that his feelings have changed. That’s pretty clear… But I know you were waiting to hear the exact words from him …your tenacity translating to stubbornness…] Am worried about something he’d said at lunchtime to Cameron (a joke or not?) about some “surprise”  after or at the formal – something I won’t like. I rang Cameron tonight. He said all Mark’s said to him is he’s pissed off with my whingeing [….about? Wanting to talk and obtain a resolution?] FAIR ENOUGH. I haven’t exactly been very tactful. SO GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE, WILL YOU? [A second chance at what? I’m confused with my own train of thought here…] God, I love you SO MUCH. I don’t think you really know how much – & you aren’t “free” to let me tell you. [Telling someone how much you love them won’t make them love you more. Ever heard of ‘unrequited love’?] I went to town with mum & jules after school – get stockings & my dress!!! Saw Fi; she said Keith & Mark are in town tonight. That’s nice. [Not Happy Jan!] I’m going to town with Cameron tomorrow – helping him look for things for the formal (something for me to do – Mark won’t call me or anything) I’ll want to call Keith tomorrow sometime- talk to him. [Trying to get blood from a stone?] A Life in WordsGot my report card today: got 46% chem- unbelievable!! [unbelievably good or bad?] Also got my summons!! !! ALL WE EVER TALK ABOUT NOW IS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FORMAL That’s all.

Saturday 25/7/87

Town with Cameron was O.K. Mark & Keith were in there too (Cameron saw them before meeting me) We never ran into them. We did see Glyn & Sue B tho’. Walked alot. Having lunch, we had a short but serious talk about love, mainly. He thinks Moni would’ve been perfect for him. Too late, Cameron. [Monique had been interested him towards the end of Year 11 but he didn’t reciprocate her feelings (see Thursday’s entry in this post for the revelation) I wonder if his change of heart was authentic or simply borne of Regret, following her death?]  Told me also that Mark was sick of my whingeing. So that’s it. Well, I missed the bus so rang Mum (Sharon got a lift to the hockey fields) [Random! Where did Sharon fit into the picture?] Keith called at home. Invited me over for the night (his parents were away) Tried to get Fi too, but wasn’t home. I got there around 2:00 & got onto Fi soon after- she had to babysit. We went into the boardroom & played Triv. Pursuit. Then polka. [I think that’s meant to be Poker] Stupid “singing dare” game. I refused to take part in…got upset → the guys eventually gave up (I thought they never would.) After dinner, walked to Drive In Bottle shop → 1 bottle rum. Not enough Coke at home → the mixture was ∴ [symbol for ‘therefore’] very potent. The video was sick, so in the boardroom we played a “Truth” game. Soon we just talked, without the game part (honestly talking honestly) Found out some interesting things – Mark said he could marry Angie M, Fiona & me; Keith

Sunday 26/7/87

→ said Angie M. me & Tricia. Heaps of other things. I kept drinking → thought the alcohol effect would wear off too quickly. [Uh oh…] I really overdid it this time (the 1st time) I remember crying (the conversation was about Monique) – Keith left the room – Mark took me & put me in the shower 5 mins after – I spewed YUKKY. Out of there, I (dunno what I did) then into the toilet YUKKY! Cleaned my teeth .. Mark & I talked (I bombed out → Mark & Keith said-they did heaps in that time)before) after: lotsa things. [?!?] Um. We got to sleep around 2:00 – woke 5:30. A Life in WordsRED LETTER: no more the virgin mary. (not completely – no climax cos’ no contraception) up at 8:30- I went & watched baseball (they lost) Home→ dropped off stuff. Short time at Keith’s before Mark & I went to dance practise – for about ½hr. Drove me home & I did NOTHING. Should’ve slept- am so tired now – need it like anything. Eyes are dead. Well, I’m sure I won’t get that drunk ever again (not vomitting, anyway.) [Hahahahaha ….hahahahaha…. so, SO hilarious! I do not need to convince anyone that I was just a TAD deluded there…] overcast weather cool day. Haven’t even started Smithfield formal dress. [Spending well over $200 on my Cairns High formal outfit meant the other formal dress had to be a home-made job. Just as well my mum was pretty good on the machine …even though she didn’t think so, herself.] NO HW done this weekend. SHIT