The Dark Room, A Day Off & Friction at the Fete (4-10 May)

Monday 4/5/87

LABOUR DAY Holiday! Well, I woke around what would it have been? …7:30? Yep! And I wasted the day . . did nothing in particular until Mark rang at 11:40. We talked for a while, and decided he’d come over. Aaaargh! I let him read my ’86 diary (tho’ I regretted it) and then he wanted to read my ’87 diary . . I really felt embarrassed (he read the bit about Robbie) [the New Year’s Eve pash] but he ignored it. Took him to work at 2:30. A Life in WordsHe rang me in the afternoon… Then again tonight. And he admitted (with my “encouragement”) that he did like me since I came [to Cairns High]. We talked a fair bit & I’ve decided to let him read my ’86 diary . . I’ll take it for him tomorrow. I trust him not to show or tell anybody what it says. I think he’s becoming more attached to me than ever. . spending much more time together. . getting on even better. Have written about ½ a foolscap [for the youngsters who don’t know what it’s like to write assignments by hand, foolscap is a standard paper size] for english & I have to have it in tomorrow or I’m in deep trouble. Don’t reckon I’ll get it finished. oh shit!

Tuesday 5/5/87

I hate school – at school our relationship is different .. it’s at school all the problems happen. It was O.K. till double bio … he just got “pen-happy”. Nikko [permanent marker pen] all over me. I disregarded that .. at big lunch Keith made a smart comment about a diary.. I thought maybe Mark had said something to him about reading my diaries.. [I would probably have thought the same now too…too ‘coincidental’…] so when I confronted him about it . .he got kind of cheesed off ..”thanks for not trusting me”. Me & my big mouth & my jumping to conclusions. How can I get him to believe that I trust him if I keep saying & doing silly things (like worrying unnecessarily)A Life in Words [but could this ‘unneccesary’ worry be a ‘disguised’ gut feeling?] Because I DO. [Oh you so DON’T!] I’ve got to make him see that. I just worry & think the worst of situations.. something I’ll have to try & grow out of. [So, using Pessimism as the excuse now?] Well ..didn’t do any HW tonite Dad let me invite Mark for wedding! UNREAL, HUH?! (If he still wants to go) [←now if THIS wasn’t a gut instinct…read on…] & in the same room in the hotel!!! [Uh huh…at your DAD’s wedding. Elissa, even if your father was ‘cool’ with it, the likelihood of any young buck having the courage to do anything is pretty slim. What young man isn’t a tad ‘wary’ of his girlfriend’s father?] Julia told me she overheard Nicole talking to friend in H.P.E about Mark .. saying something like how she talked to him & tried to get him away from me. POOR GIRL. Never! He is mine. He loves me (& I, of course, ♥ him!) TANIA’S BACK!!! Late nite. Slept badly last night. Gave Mark my ’86 diary today.

Wednesday 6/5/87

He came late today. In bio, it was not too good, bad [←not a typo, it was actually what I’d written. I would’ve meant ‘but’] was not necessarily bad either .. on way to art was O.K. Not there at little lunch. Before maths, an absolute drag (see, in 4th p. art .. Elisia & I stayed in dark room to process negatives, & were very late for next lesson -english thank god! – so  stayed in dark room with Mrs. M’s consent till 6th p. thought I was late, so ran up & burst into a year 11 class – Mr K (Chris’ dad) the teacher! Shame!) [I don’t remember this at all but I can imagine it as scene in a teen high school movie] I told him about that & he looked at me as if I was stupid so I “sulked” in maths.. am sure at one stage, I caught him looking at me & felt worse, still. Big lunch – [He] went to buy his lunch & when he came back talked little  before going again.. A Life in Wordsback to say ‘goodbye’ v. nicely too. Wow. Aerobics I got a cramp, but was a bit better than last week. Mr G. dropped us home again (I apologized for missing the [english] lesson then) Tania finally rang me ≈5:00 & picked me up. Tea at her place. FOOTSTEPS TO FAME [Cairns High’s annual ‘talent quest’ concert] was excellent! So many people (supportive cos of the crash, I reckon) [highly likely] Mark wasn’t there- said he wasn’t going anyway. When I told him the good news about him being invited to dad’s wedding, he (& I knew it’d happen) said “I don’t know if I should” All this stuff about family etc. [as I said earlier, I had a feeling “…if he still wants to go”…] After all the trouble I went to… [Trouble? Meaning the ‘challenge’ of asking my father?]

Thursday 7/5/87

Today was, indeed, different. I missed the bus, planning to miss 1st period…biology (to do my english assignment & get out of handing in my Rat. prac.) then, when Roger M dropped the car in, mum could take me in. But the car never came. We heard from Roger after 12:00 (too late for me to catch a town bus in.. what’s the point of being there for 2 lessons?) so I stayed home. Tried to do english (I’m really having trouble doing this bloody assignment) but, when I gave up I stuck cards in my camp scrapbook. A Life in WordsA Life in WordsJules came home (raining all day) & told me Mark had asked about me. I rang & talked briefly with Fi. Mark rang around 5:00, I think… was O.K. got ready & he & Keith (K. got his license (P’s) today!) drove round & picked me up. A bit yukky at first, at Earlville, but O.K. after. To town for a pizza, then home around 9:30 I think. Keith & Mark stayed for a cuppa coffee. Cutey. Gorgeous Marky. Left a little while ago (Is 10:35) …actually, about 40 mins or so, ago. Purity [I’d’ve meant ‘pretty’ but deliberately spelled it wrong to insinuate a ‘drawl’ (‘purr-itty’) unaware I was using another actual (unrelated) word] good day. Tomorrow will be even better!!!

Friday 8/5/87

Caught the bus in (Mark came with Keith) Double eng. just didn’t get assignment done, so finished it in 3rd period-art & handed it in at little lunch. Double art next was fun- in darkroom.. mucking round Steven, Jamie D, Keith, Mark. Got dirty – paint on the navy shorts & on my long sleeved grandpa shirt. Big lunch a bludge – can’t remember much (raining lots) Ingrid & I painted the donut sign in 6th & 7th (Mark & Steven visited) waited for the footy match to umbrella off mum. CHS won of course-pouring rain- people huddling under umbrellas. Fete was boring sold lotsa donuts. Went to Fi’s shop & got dressed. At fete again saw Mark — he went to ‘booze’ up with the others. Came to dance again round 8:45. Danced, rested, danced. He went off to the loo .. was gone almost (or more than) 1 hr. Michael B said he saw him with Tricia. I got upset; telling people. When Mark came back, took me outside & revved me about Trust. (Keith’d told him I thought they were doing something) So he got angry & I cried. A Life in WordsHe told me he loved me so much. [Here I basically quoted a lot of what Mark said to me in the talk that ensued and I have chosen to ‘omit’ parts to respect his privacy.] Even Terry said “you don’t believe anything between Mark & TriciaHe loves you heaps.. so much.” Later he’d said things like [apologies, but again I feel I must omit some of the things he said, to respect his privacy] “…[omission]. It was the night I’d hoped to get with you..I so badly wanted you to go to that party. [omission] ..and now more than ever….[omission] This is long overdue .. we should’ve been together earlier.. if one of us had said how we felt ..because we both felt the same .. I stopped reading your 86 diary because I felt [omission] so bad seeing how hurt you were.” Then we danced. Rested. I danced & came back. He was crying. Said he was going & walked home in the→ [I crossed over to the next page…]

Saturday 9/5/87

rain. Wouldn’t let Keith drive him…wanted to  walk. Wouldn’t tell me what was wrong.. left at 12:15 (Beka & Alan D are doin’ great!!!) Looks like Cameron & Nicole too. I think. Slept almost as soon as I got home. Woke around 10:10 this morning … read ’86 diary, up to where Mark said he’d stopped. [trying to ascertain what he may have ‘experienced’ as he read…] Otherwise watched music shows on TV till about 1:30 or 2:00 Thinking about the beautiful things he’d said & I feel really guilty ..I stuff things up all the time. [No, you don’t. It takes two to tango.] I’d asked him why he never admitted that he’d liked me & he said “I don’t know.” He said he’d thrown out his ’86 diary (not a really secretive one like mine, but not just a school diary) but I was all through it. I’m sure people were looking at us. We were just at the bottom of the steps [of Croswell Hall] outside the main entrance during the bulk of the fight. & when I cried. Went to pick up my bag from Fi’s.. could only have a very short talk to her. Read diary at home again – finished it. Did nothing but that all day. Mark didn’t ring me. I rang at 7:30, Mrs W. said he was at Keith’s relative’s 21st birthday party. And he was working from 9:00 tomorrow. So I watched TV tonight. Am kind of upset in a small way that he didn’t ring me. I wish I knew what was wrong. Rainy all day again. very cool. Wasted day, really. Hope he rings me tomorrow.. from work at least. Please, Mark: I love you so much .. let me know what’s troubling you. It’s me, I bet. It’s just after 12:00.

Sunday 10/5/87

A terrible day. I woke, wondering if he’d ring me But I rang him (around 11:30) in the end. And it was a very short call.. just as I’d thought: he was not at all talkative. I hung up disappointed. Cried so much. Then rang him later to get Keith’s phone number then I got upset with him.. hung up on a really terrible note. Rang Keith [seeking answers]. He said he was just in one of his moods..not angry with anyone in particular ..just angry. I felt better, a bit. Went to visit Nana [I’m fairly sure that by this time, she had moved into a nursing home community – residing in her own unit however, not yet interred in a ‘ward’…] (I did nothing today. Nothing at all, except cry & worry) came back wondered if I should ring & apologise. Made mum dinner …finally after 8:00, got on to Fi.. she said ring him. I did. I found out it was me he was disappointed with. So I feel really terrible again. Rang Fi back after & talked. I’m such an idiot. I HATE MYSELF. HATE. [This was written boldly, and the second ‘HATE’ took up two lines on the page. Evidently I felt pretty strongly at the time… but oh, so potentially damaging…] I hurt him. & me. too much. A Life in WordsNot looking forward to school 2morrow. I feel terrible Need lots of sleep. I’m gonna die of an ulcer before I’m 20. [Clearly that hasn’t happened… but I’m surprised! I really was an expert worrier…]


An Injured Workman & a Prank Call (28 April-4 May)

Monday 28/4/86fall

Un-boring day today. In art, Rebecca G and I were painting in Mr Pugh’s art room and we heard an almighty crash. Thinking it was the workmen dropping wood or something, it didn’t bother us until Becca looked at [At? Possibly I meant to say “looked OUT AND”?] saw a guy land on the ground. I turned round. He was cringing (like he’d broken his arm) but then he moved his head and blood spurted out his neck. [Oh I remember this now!] I almost knocked myself out while running to get Ms Marsland (forgetting the glass door) Poor guy fell through a “roof” but only received a cut on his neck – no major injuries. Also Ms Marsland was videoing us. We watched in it 5th period. Funny! Not much of me  9:36. I wonder exactly when Mark’s birthday is. I know he’s a Taurus…. riding tomorrow. Am warm (hot)

Tuesday 29/4/86

Today was a good day. Nothing ‘special’ happened – It was just quite cheerful. We rode (mima, Fi & I) and were boiling. Went to area & had to pass Mark & Steven Shame! Hot, red faces, wet hair!! Anyway, in art we got some new work – really hard. Like philosophical “HEAVY” I can’t explain on this paper; I’d need a whole book practically, to put words into meaning (or vice versa) I’m hot … I’ve chucked my winter PJ’s – I was too hot. I put on a summer one. Was really hot & hard riding!! Did a fair bit of HW tonight – felt good about it. Also have ideas as to how I’ll do this (very hard) reading assignment for English 9:03. And I’m not too tired. Ate a lot this arvy. Got a head ache too. Wow!!

Wednesday 30/4/86

I am HOT. I can’t believe this is meant to be summer autumn, I mean! FOOTSTEPS TO FAME [our school ‘talent quest’] was…UNREAL! It was so funny. Mark was there. But he looked like he was looking for someone all the time (perhaps Angie?..) →but he wasn’t with her. Not me, of course. Never me. [Oh, cry me a river..] It’s 10:20 according to my Mickey Mouse watch. Riding again tomorrow (apparently) Oh, how I wish… I did no HW … almost forgot speech again (it’s on at 4:30 now) I HATE WEDNESDAYS They are so boring. Everyone leaves for sport and/or recreation. Shits me off (cos Mark goes too) Megan talked to me today. Quite a bit. Change, huh? BORWING, BORWING, BORWING. I HATE HATE HATE WEDNESDAYS.

Thursday 1/5/86

Today was a pretty good day (sat in the back seat on the way home today: fun!! Gammon) [Gammon: local slang for “as if!”] Anyway, all my subjects were fun (if not, they were interesting anyway) And there was always Mark to drool over. It’s incredible… I can’t really use words to describe him… I just wish I could become good friends with him. Then I’d be a bit happier (than I already am!) [Oh here’s a wonderful example of one of the basic failings of human beings – believing Happiness is the result of external circumstances, when it’s completely & solely controlled by the individual. But this is obviously a lesson to be learned in life…] Got our bathroom mirror yesterday arvy and was put up today. Looks unreal!! I have no idea what to wear tomorrow. [It was a ‘free dress’ day – a break from the monotony of uniforms] Shorts – but what ones?? 9:50. I’ll hafta wake early so I can decide!! Now I’m stuck for words…!! Everyone is being so nice to me lately. I mean really friendly I’m happy about that

Friday 2/5/86

I felt a bit of a dag, wearing my dotty shorts and Julia’s roomy, old, full-of-holes blue T-shirt and my sandshoes. But I didn’t worry about it too much. Got all my maths HW out of the way. Have only Chem. & Eng. left (no Bio HW) Still am not sure what’s happening about Green Island. Don’t think any guys will turn up: I’m not counting on it. Not getting hopes up. Mark was half-free dressed so were most of the guys, anyway. I am tired – just watched the movie – it’s 11:25. Sleep in tomorrow! Am so tired. Am feeling a little better lately i.e.: more ‘accepted’ by every(most)one Dunno exactly what’s to happen this weekend!! TYRED eyes!

A Life in WordsSaturday 3/5/86

Running from the photographer (my sister) in one of the 'fashions' I'd made from the piece of material
Running from the photographer (my sister) in one of the ‘fashions’ I’d made from the piece of material

Boring! I knew I should have attempted to do my chemistry HW and my english assignment but I couldn’t get motivated. Instead, I read May “Dolly” my book “The dark Quartet” and ….and (?) …and …ate!! And listened to the radio and ate and ate. I ate too much I think. I also watched a bit of TV. And I made “fashions” out of an old (large) bit of fabric (togas) Some of them looked really great, especially with brooches and (my) make up. [My sister played at this with me and got a hold of my camera (see photo) to take ‘modelling shots’!] Anyhow, Sharon rang and she’s coming round late tomorrow arvy (she’s gotta work) Apparently, “lotsa people are going.” And I forgot to ring mima & fiona. Dammit. Remember in the morning. Is 12:30. Yes. I played Trivial Pursuit & got bored & tired. And now have had a late night. SHIT.

[On this day, in the ‘Notes’ section at the back of my diary I’d lamented:] Wish someone’d have another party. I’m longing for one!

Sunday 4/5/86

I got an obscene call today. Nah – it was just a prank call. A guy (I thought it really was someone I knew at first) told me to guess who he was saying “you remember me and you and that room”…. I said “Sorry! .. Bye!” And hung up. It frightened me after a bit – I have a feeling it might be someone I know. Today I wasted another day: did absolutely nothing useful. Sharon came around 6:00 Talked. She’s in the shower now – I’m hurrying to write this before she gets out so I can hide it – she saw it & wants (I’m sure) to read it. [To my knowledge, there were very few people who actually went to any lengths to read my diaries. I was amazed my mother and sister were never the slightest bit interested in snooping.] It’s 9:15 now – we’ll probably have a late night. Am taking Joannah & Fi tomorrow. WOW!! Weather just said will be rainy 2 morrow – Please be wrong!! Have told Sharon a lot of secrets tonight (esp. about Mark)