OJ Spews, ‘Approximate Exactitude’ & Relief for Nana (10-16 August)

Monday 10/8/87

Felt a bit down again this morning. I can’t get over the time he spent with her. All night they talked – all night I believe nothing happened. I really do, but it still hurts to think he spent 5 odd hours talking to her.. alone, without getting bored. He would never do that with me. Can you understand? [Oh I understand something completely different…] It makes me feel really down- [like] I bore him or something. Anyway I perked up around lunchtime (incidentally I don’t like Angela’s hair black, at all) See, it is jealousy – I’m jealous that she can keep him interested, that he would talk with her alone all night without getting bored. […and my opinion about her new hair colour would most likely have been a little tainted by this jealousy…] God it hurts so much. It’s pointless me trying to let him know. I’ve tried in the past to talk & explain – its useless – he doesn’t hear me. [Soooo… maybe don’t try ..and save some of your precious energy?] What am I doing here, then? [Exactly.] Did some HW tonight. I resent any talk about that night. [Privacy omission] said “as a joke” something to Nicole about Mark wanting to fuck her. THAT IS REALLY SICK. A Life in Words[What I’m unable to illustrate – due to the limitations of computer text options – is how heavily I had underlined the word ‘really’ (see pic). Not once, but four times. I evidently felt strongly about this…] another late night.

Tuesday 11/8/87

Strangely, we’ve been getting on pretty well over the past few days. Wonder why? [Now the positives induce suspicion.. this isn’t ‘healthy’.] It’s wierd. [and I continue to spell ‘weird’ incorrectly…] A Life in WordsAnyway I woke this morning with a sore throat, from all my coughing & I felt a little sick in a wierd way. I was also v. tired. I went to school anyway, thinking it was over-fatigue, but at school it got worse (on & off) By the end of lunchtime I had the biggest headache so Jason drove me home. I bombed out and slept till about 3:19 [LOL. “about” 3:19? What, was it 3:18 and 54 seconds… or a few milliseconds after 3:19? Approximate exactitude is oxymoronic!] (heard the answering machine), then till about 3:45 when mum & Jules arrived home. I slept the rest of the afternoon (after some chips) my throat is dry & a bit sore from all the coughing & my headache is horrible. I had some fish for tea: not much + pineapple (sickly) Dozed in front of T.V. till mum “dragged” me to bed about 8:00-8:30. [One of the sweeter, long-lost memories of my mum’s expression of love for me: I can hear her in my groggy stupor murmuring my name, gently shaking, then trying to lift me up from whatever position I’d languished in. And when I acquiesced, she’d’ve escorted my aimless body all the way to my bed.] Hope I get better for Friday – baseball & Sat nite-Nigel’s party. Was going to ring Mark, but headache was too bad & I was too weak to bother

Wednesday 12/8/87

Really restless sleep last night – about 11:30 I woke…and vomited (chips, fish & orange juice) [oh, the burn! OJ is possibly the worst thing to regurgitate I think…] A Life in Wordsstayed home today (for sure!) Mark didn’t ring & I couldn’t be bothered to ring him. Fiona, Jason & Anna dropped round after school sometime, for a short while. My headache disappeared this morning – today I had fever (temp.) cough and sinus blockage and was very tired and weak. Is about 9:00 or so now. Auntie Ruth [my mum’s aunt – one of my grandmother’s (many) sisters] arrived around 7:45 tonight. Read my novel all day. Ate 3 mandarins & an orange .. lots of vitamin C. Am taking tomorrow off as well, to make sure I’m better for the weekend. [Because my social life was always first priority…] Did no work & I have an english assignment due on Friday + a biol test on Tuesday. Heavens above! (←ha!) [I’m probably laughing at myself using such ‘dated’ – and semi-religious – terminology here.]

Thursday 13/8/87

A Life in Words
The earliest photo (in my possession) of Nana & me, at Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary in Brisbane. There’s no date on it but judging by the size of me, it would have to be 1971-72

Slept very restlessly last night; woke nearly every hour, I think. I heard the phone ring around 6:00 this morning. Nana died. [Clearly my great-aunt Ruth arrived just in time for her sister’s passing, but I’m not sure whether she actually got to visit her.] I didn’t cry when mum told me & I don’t think I really will cry over the fact that she’s dead → I’m so glad she’s out of her misery – she was in a lot of it. [And that was it. I think, having personally met with Death in such an intense and unique way just six months earlier myself, I was somewhat prepared emotionally – and spiritually – for this moment, which is evident in my reasoning. I still believe – in fact more now than ever – that ‘wherever’ we ‘go’ when we pass is ‘better’. At this point in time, I was comforted by the ‘knowledge’ that leaving her gnarled body, Nana was now free of the insufferable rheumatoid arthritic pain. And to be brutally honest, since I wasn’t terribly close to her (we ‘clashed’ a lot in my early teens) I wasn’t going to miss her presence on a daily basis as I did Monique’s…] I spent the day reading again.. no fever – am just very tired & have the cough & nasal congestion still, but I feel (and Auntie Ruth agrees) that after tonight’s sleep I’ll be fine. I hope so. I rang Mark tonight .. cos it didn’t look like he was going to ring me. He was at Earlville with Terry ..so rang back. The phone did not stop ringing tonite – Keith & Jemima also rang me. My eyes are stinging – I need sleep to get better. I had 4 (or 5??) mandarins today! (+ dinner – veges) so I should have the vitamins required to boost my energy level tomorrow. [See? Even back then I was acquiring and demonstrating basic nutrition knowledge, hinting at my innate passion for the subject!] Haven’t done english assignment. Too bad. I’ll come late to school: miss double english. Is 9:45 …To sleep!!!

Friday 14/8/87

I’m feeling quite a bit better now. See, this morning I woke – feeling absolutely normal .. until I got up. The cough was persistent and even got worse early tonight, and my tiredness, fatigue & weak feelings plagued me (Making my joints feel heavy, and ache) I went to school anyway – it was a total waste. At little lunch (I went to school during 3rd period) I had to go up to Mark. He said one or two things & that was it. Didn’t even turn to face me, or offer to make room for me to sit down. So I went & sat on my own, practically, he walked past & did nothing. He walked to art ahead of me. Love the concern he shows for me. (He doesn’t – that’s just it, elissa – you should know by now it’s the way he is.) [ …if that’s so, and you aren’t happy, why persist?] so I was really depressed & mum picked me up at big lunch. I dozed at home. Mike & Cynthia bought over dinner – Golden Rooster. Couldn’t eat too much my stomach has shrunk. Is 9:30. I had a lemon & honey drink (YUK) as a last resort. A Life in Words[And I bloody-well love those things now… with ginger and turmeric added as well. Here’s a link to the recipe on my food blog, Food Fervour] Good sleep tonite & hopefully I’ll be fine for the party. Mark really gets to me. [You “let” him. No one is put on this Earth to either elate nor annoy You.] Hey! I’m not coughing!!! (Yet – touch wood!)

Saturday 15/8/87

I woke this morning – coughing. [I obviously didn’t touch any wood?] Alas & alack! But it was easier for me to stand etc. I still get times when my joints (limbs) ache & feel weak, but not as much, and not as bad, as before. We went to the doctor & got amoxyl (penecillan) & cough tablets. [So it obviously wasn’t a flu or viral infection after all?] I’ve been resting a fair bit today, in preparation for the party. (I’m going- there’ll be plenty of opportunities for me to sit down if I need it, mima said) Mark hasn’t rung. I’ve been thinking alot while lying down today… nothing’s the same anymore. We need the biggest, longest talk. There’s a lot of sorting out to do. A lot. [Talking… sorting out… it’s pointless when only one party is ‘interested’…] I’m not exactly “elated” in this relationship. [You don’t say?] A Life in WordsHe doesn’t make me feel like the ‘princess’ I used to be. [*NB: back in the 80’s being a ‘princess’ didn’t have the negative connotations that it can these days.] But that’s not all. [….well, what?] It’s almost 6:00. Am going around 8:30. [There was no mark in my diary to indicate I’d finished the earlier segment of my entry, but from here on in I’m clearly writing at a later point in time (most likely when I got home) describing my night:] It [the party] wasn’t that good. In fact, a waste of time. Only having tea when Jemima, Brent & Fi arrived ..at Nigel’s  it was boring. No one there. saw Mark & Keith once, they came back & went again. I went and lay down in Nigel’s room (feeling ill) Jemima, Brent, Jason & Fi talking to me. Mark told Sue he didn’t think I liked him. He thought I didn’t like him. (How?) went downstairs & Keith was there – took us to the other party everyone was raving about, At Toogood Road. TONNES, & I mean TONNES of people there→

Sunday 16/8/87

I was bored: Feeling ill, I needed to sit down all the time + problem of Mark – I asked him about it, but he seemed reluctant to talk so left him alone all night. I asked him to take me home, but I went with Brett instead (Cameron too). Just dropped cameron off – in Collins Ave. Brett stopped & I was sick (O.J.) At home I bombed out & I didn’t wake till around 10:00-10:30 this morning. Party was the pits. I asked nearly everyone if they knew what was up with Mark, [oh Elissa!] No one did tho’. Watched TV, rested today. Mark & Keith came over around 3:00 in the afternoon. Left soon after. I asked Mark to come around again tonight. A Life in WordsWe went to the park.. bit hard to get started talking, straight away, and the talk was not quite what I expected it to be. It’s really strange. This week, Mark was, apparently, really insecure – thought I was going to end the relationship. I can tell he still feels different, in a way. But it mattered a lot to him. And after that party I realised it. He not only loves me, he’s devoted, too. [You can’t be serious?] He left around 9:00. I watched mini-series show. Is now 10:40. Clean my teeth & off to bed.

Sinus, Class Photos & Lip Gloss (2-8 September)

Monday 2/9/85

Can’t wait for camp. Uh…yes I can … I still have lotsa weight to lose & a tan (an even tan) to get. I asked Fran about Adrienne McA – she thinks she’s in group 3. Anyhow, was warm today, went quickly (the day I mean.) Didn’t do much HW ie, did HW but didn’t study etc. Should start soon. Late night. 10:30 now.A Life in Words Watched “Clive James – At home.” the equivalent to Mike Walsh. Is funny!! Cold, now too. Want to sleep well. Mum’s not going to send that letter (good.) she feels better, just for writing it. Hopes it’ll blow over. [This is a good and yet a not-so-good thing. Avoiding unnecessary drama is definitely positive but ‘hoping’ something will ‘blow over’ is almost asking for trouble in the future. This is the perfect example of how my sister and I were (unconsciously) conditioned to become non-confrontational.] Cold is still bugging me → mum thinks it’s sinus. Probably. German dinner on 17th Sept. (Tuesday) AT Alpine Chalet. FUN!!

Tuesday 3/9/85

A Life in Words
I’m just right of centre, in the middle row.

Gosh today went quick!! School photos – stupid!! The wind was blowing everyone’s hair back from their faces (- I took my plate out, of course!) which looked ridiculous & ugly! [Because it’s so attractive to have hair ON your face? I think what might have upset me more when I actually got this photo was the way the wind billowed my blouse, making me look either too buxom or worse; fat.] Laughed alot today (feel good for that.) also got my periods. Is supposed to be 11º C tonight – was cold last night (just as well I took that blanket to bed!) I’m all bundled up tonight! Am tired. Is 10:30. Watched  new mini-series “Princess Daisy” is good I think. Last part next week. Fiona’s ringing me tomorrow to tell me if she feels like riding or not. Don’t know even if I’ll feel like it

Wednesday 4/9/85

Went to doctors. Dr D. prescribed some $15 drug in a spray pack for my nose. [‘Beconase’ was the corticosteroidal nasal spray I was prescribed. I have rather unpleasant memories of tasting it as the excess slid down the back of my throat from my nasal cavities.] Anytime I feel allergies etc It clams me up more. Even plain ole’ Drixine works betta, but he said it’d take more than a day so I s’pose I betta try it. My nose is so sore from blowing, & sticking nasal sprays up it. Poor me. Couldn’t start study cos’ I went to the doctor’s. Will 2morrow if possible. is supposed to be cold again tonight. Really want to save lotsa money, cos’ I got a big list. (Eg I wanna get me a swatch, mum one (for her birthday) & also a clothing gift voucher for her.) Ha!

Thursday 5/9/85

Still didn’t start study for maths. I didn’t know I was such a procrastinater!! I must do it & start soon. Ate alot today. Well, not a lot, but more than just 3 meals. See, nana came round & brought a small bun loaf which had icing & sparkles on it & I ….had….3 pieces. UMAH. So instead of studying I went to the park to try’n’work it off. Neck sore today. has been quite lately. In History it ached cos’ an Aboriginal man (58 yrs old & not one wrinkle) talked to us about life in a mission. [I believe what I would have meant is that I had to crane my neck to see the speaker from whatever position I had in the classroom.] He was a reasonable, great bloke. A caring man. Not like nowaday coons. [Obviously, a shocking sentiment. The slang is bad enough, but the whole sentence screams Racism. The explanation for this statement – which by no means excuses it – is very complex. It was a generalisation, referring to the (alcoholic) Park People, which was all I had witnessed firsthand of Aboriginals in Cairns – apart from fellow students with whom I had no qualms whatsoever. This is clearly a statement founded upon Fear. For now, please remember this was nearly 30 years ago and that kind of attitude was long ago exchanged for Compassion.]

Friday 6/9/85

Glad it’s Friday. Went to town tonight & bought (roll-on) lip gloss – finally – & “coconut” deep tanning lotion. [The old coconut oil tanning lotion! Smelled divine, but as for sun protection? Hahaha.] Hardly anyone in town, let alone anyone we knew. Saw Karen M. & Tania P. at work. Didn’t see Steven. Bus was late to today. Came at 3:30, so got home at 3:50. Normally get home at 3:40. Stupid driver. Bludge day today. I must start study this week end. It will be work, work, work all the time. Full day’s work tomorrow, dad said & then on Sunday – study, HW & english (& other) assignment(s) Is cold again. Wind is up & it rained tonight. Looks like wet has set in.

Saturday 7/9/85

Worked literally all day today:- 6¼hrs labelling + 54 drums cleaned gave me $38.50 but dad thought I was so dilligent that he made it a round $40! Was hard work – back, hand and arm muscles were strained. Dad’s renovating his office – will look or-right! He wanted it finished today, but Jenny drove me home at 6:45 & didn’t look near that! Got home & Geoff & his mum were here. Had tea (dinner) (& 2 helpings of dessert) Watched TV. & the 2 movies that were on tonight. Both comedys. Alright. 2nd one was better. Weather was changeable – sunny/rainy but always windy. Mums going to Port tomorrow. Julia & I’ll stay home. I have to study.

Sunday 8/9/85

Got HW done & revised all maths Ch’s. Mind you – it took all day & I didn’t get to study german or even start my english assignment (due Tues.) so it wasn’t that “profitable” a day. Put on make up in between. [Ah! So you didn’t study solidly?!] Love the lip gloss I’ve got! I just keep using it. At this rate I’ll run out!! (very soon) Weather is still windy, overcast & sometimes rains. Am starting to snack again. Must control myself. Filled week this week: 2 maths test, assignment due & german test. Shit. Mum & Geoff & Mrs M. got home 5:50. Played Triv. Pursuit (my wanting to) but I pulled out first Is now 9:30. Must sleep well.