Big Boobs, A Buried Hatchet & Relationship Chaos (18-24 January)

Monday 18/1/88

A Life in Words
Palm Cove, with its view of Double Island

Well I was only just awake when Sharon rang. I got up & she wanted me to ride over, then we’d ride to Palm Cove. So I got ready & was just about to leave when mum got the mail: my QTAC stuff arrived. I’d gotten into Gatton – only the B. Tourism, tho’ (like Mark) so I’ve put down that I’ll defer, but I’d still like my higher preferences to be considered. Anyway, the ride was extremely hot and hard, and I nearly stacked it near Smithfield Shopping Centre. So I “collapsed” at Sharon’s and (as she was at Smithfield) when she came back I refused to get on my bike again. So Mrs Weeks dropped us at the beach (Palm Cove) and we lay for only a few minutes, on the beach (it was very hot – mum told me later it was 35°C at 10.30 this morning) then to Ramada for a swim. We saw Juliet’s Dad – Mr. P & Sharon talked to him. It’s so beautiful, that pool, that whole resort! The pool was very cool and the spa, although warm (hot!) was very “theraputic”! After that we lay for awhile in the sun, before “exploring” the hotel and then going down to the shop to get lunch. Back at Ramada, we swam again then hopped in the spa (talking to some English tourists) -couldn’t get  a word in edgewise!) out again, we packed up & went to the shop for last snacks, then tried to ring Sharon’s parents. Her dad took us home. I rang mum, chucked the bike in the ‘back’ [of the car] and at home, read my Gatton info properly. Got ready & went to TAFE – what a let-down: they don’t have a receptionist course at all. Great; so I’m going to have to get an ordinary job for this year. Huh. Well Mark rang around 6:00, 6.30 – and said he’d try to come over. I cleaned out my top drawers and watched TV. He rang saying he’d be late: and he arrived after 9.00. It was boring (especially & ‘extremely’ for him) We watched the Thorn Birds .. that was it: did nothing else, though I tried (well not really) then he wanted to leave straight after. I tried to stop him from going: he was joking around & I just got all choked up & started crying. I don’t really know why – I guess it was because he’s going soon, and we don’t, I think, seem to be spending enough time together. He got out & hugged (& kissed me) And he promised to ring me tomorrow. I need a good sleep.

Tuesday 19/1/88

Woke quite early (that’s becoming an annoying habit lately) but slept in. Was surprised when Mark rang at 9.30 (I thought it’d be 10:00 at the very earliest) We didn’t really decide on anything to do, but he said he’d come over. I thought ½hr…but he rolled up a little later: and I mean rolled: on a bike (he rode here) A Life in WordsWe had a really good day surprisingly enough – water/hose fights … annoying & tickling while watching cricket: was really fun! And when he was going to go, he rang his mum (to pick up the bike) and asked if I could stay, so we mucked around till his dad came, then I hurriedly packed a bag (forgetting the bloody meds & pill) At Mark’s, we mucked around; didn’t really do much: did a lot of kissing, tho’…. most kissing we’ve ever done in one day …YUMMY! Watched cricket … exciting Aust. win! We went to bed at 10.00 or so, and well, talked & kissed till 12.30. Talked about us: not the ordinary relationship stuff, but the sexual side …communication! [privacy omission] I couldn’t believe that: I always thought they [my boobs] were average but he said he always thought they were big. He said [privacy omission] Anyway it was about 12.30, when I climbed back into my bed….

Wednesday 20/1/88

Woke early, around 7.30, again, but managed to doze awhile …Mark was very sleepy. He finally had to get up around 10.00 when Steven arrived. A Life in WordsI lay and listened to some tapes (he wouldn’t let me listen to the Hungry4Hits+1 [privacy omission]) then had a shower. After toast (& an uncomfortable ‘hello’ to Steven) [I’m not entirely sure why I felt uncomfortable? But then, I think he was someone I’d never truly felt comfortable around…] I watched TV, then because Mark wanted to go with Steven to Earlville, he drove me home [privacy omission] Said he’d ring me about what he’s doing tonight. So I unpacked & watched TV, and listened to music for most of the day. Theresa Lauren & Christie were at home when I got there (Julia was babysitting) Julia is being very badly affected by [privacy omission]: very cranky – snaps at you for no reason. Of course, I snap back because it annoys me. Fiona & Joannah (long lost friends!) rang me today. Fiona wanted to go out, and asked me to ring her back when I’d decided. Watching cricket, I fell asleep then Mark rang about 6.30 (earlier? Yeah, 5.30, sorry) and said he was going out, but to Scandals, instead. So I rang around to try to find out who else would be going out. It looked grim. But Fi said she’d come at 9.00. I got ready & we went & picked up Trevor, Matt & Steven G. Up there, Nigel was outside & Keith said they were being really strict on I.D. Fi & I waited awhile then she walked in with Willie & I on my own, totally ‘unhassled’. Was a bit empty inside I stood talking to Tania. Did a fair bit of dancing, before Mark turned up: I was by the airconditioner. with, get this: Nicole, Juliet & Jude, when he walked up & gave me some big passionate kisses… A Life in Wordsthey all walked off! Ha! I didn’t see him much; he got drunker & drunker & seemed to have less & less interest in me. Steven left, but Chris & Mark stayed. I was ‘lost’ … running around either Jude, Juliet, [privacy omission] or Megan. Fiona danced with Trevor nearly all night. Everytime I saw Mark he said he was going. Was he trying to get rid of me? Then this girl came up & dragged him to dance with ..ugh… Belinda K and he danced for ages then, he went to the toilet & I greeted him & we danced, found $2 & got a drink each. [Hmm, clearly still ‘Dollar Nights’ were still happening, not yet ‘illegal’…] [Privacy omission] also talked to me: He said sorry & I said “NO!” I was sorry for not talking last week. Anyhow – we buried the hatchet. Mark kept going to talk to Belinda & her friends. I was a bit hurt & annoyed – talked to Tania. Then he, Chris & Keith went outside. So, did it seem, did the whole of Smithy’s. Outside with Fi I saw [privacy omission] fighting someone, then further down the carpark – [privacy omission] they got into someone’s car & left. I felt so exhausted: bored, tired and annoyed, hurt & depressed about Mark. Finally Fi took me .. well, Matt first, then Trevor, but we had to go back to see if Steven G. was still there. He wasn’t & when Trev. got out again, I lay down & dozed off. Woke hearing [privacy omission] interrogating Fiona. I pretended to be asleep. Then, when she dropped me home – we talked. Then, I got into bed at 3.40.

Thursday 21/1/88

[Last night] I talked to heaps of people: Steven S, Stewart P, Richard O’S, Wayne C & Kel B, Tania (of course): people I wouldn’t (well except Tania, Kel & Wayne) normally talk to. Anyway, [today] I woke before 9.00 & couldn’t get back to sleep so did ‘nothing’ (listened to Bruce Springsteen) while waiting for Mark’s call. I was going to give him until 11.30 to ring & when he hadn’t, I tried – but the phone was engaged. I got through at 11.45 and he told me he was sore (ribs & ear) and that he went to Casualty at the hospital, last night, to check his wounds. A Life in WordsHe head-butted the guy, [privacy omission]. He thought he might’ve had cracked ribs so they went to hospital. I felt really sorry for him & said I’d be over ‘soon’. Got there during DAYS OF OUR LIVES, sometime and we just watched TV all night (I mean, afternoon) I went before he went to the dentist (or just as he was leaving) and he said he’d ring me when he got home. At home, I rang, who was it? CB & [privacy omission]! (I ‘christened’ their new phone) and talked for ages! Then Mark rang soon after & we decided I’d go to his place. On the way there I remembered I forgot meds, so we went to the shop… Julia saw Mark, so he saw us (he waved, she said) so we went back again (he saw us again, though) and got chocolate & lolly-gobble-bliss-bombs.A Life in Words Mark was waiting on the steps when I arrived and asked why we kept driving around. I produced the “goods” and he said silly girl! We watched TV all night (well, till after Moonlighting) when Mark wanted me to ask him Trivial Pursuit Q’s… but ended up watching Dallas, instead. Went to bed without kissing or talking (he didn’t seem to be talking to me)….

Friday 22/1/88

I remember waking briefly at 3.40am & wanting to wake Mark to wish him Happy Anniversary, but deciding against it. [Er, very good decision…] We woke quite early and the mucking around was a bit rougher. [privacy omission] I got a bit upset when he didn’t respond after that at all, & got up & walked out of the room. I heard him shower, then I got up, went to the loo & asked for a towel. I accidentally let Tippy [their dog] out and felt worse after that. I had a cry in the shower. Out, he was making breakfast & when he’d finished his, asked me if I wanted any. “NO.” I was watching TV. He sat down & mucked around with the Trivial Pursuit game, then asked if I’d like to play “Yeah”. So we did, and it was better after that. I asked for lunch, after Keith left [privacy omission]. Sandra made me a tunafish sandwich. I was shitty with Mark. [Here I have omitted details of his behaviour towards me]. So I did & it HURT. It hurt so much. I sat alone then Sandra & Mrs. W. went out. I watched cricket and cried. then I went in his room – [privacy omission] I asked what was wrong, why he was doing this to me – what did I do to deserve it? A Life in WordsHe said [privacy omission]. FUCK HIM. He got all shitty back last year when I joked about him leaving the hospital – he took that seriously – he overreacted and I wasn’t half as mean – [privacy omission]. He is a CONTRADICTORY PRICK. HE HURTS ME SO MUCH. I couldn’t believe this was happening. It was the first time he’d been like this since he’d been back – since we even broke up in September. WHY? I gathered I was suffocating him again … he was seeing too much of me. (We could never live together [well hello, glaring hint…] – it’d kill me – much as I’d’ve liked to) So I apologised, [WTF… why?] said I’d call him. [I’m not sure if you can fathom exactly how painful this is for me to witness and ‘re-live’: my blindness, weakness, (stupidity?) attachment (addiction) and tenacity is beyond mortifying. It’s glaringly obvious now how unhealthy the relationship was – for both of us – but it was an imperative life experience.] Mum came & I was only ‘silent’ at home for a little while. Rang Mima – she got back this morning! So mum dropped me round – I have no present for her yet, she didn’t give me anything, anyway. She (nor anyone) seemed not to have put on weight, [I obviously had it in my head that everyone who holidayed overseas should gain weight? I’d made similar comments about Mark upon his return as well…] though her face & hands were much paler. [Uh, der… Europe in Winter; not a lot of sunbaking going on…] She dropped me home after 6.00 & I rang CB. She wasn’t going out, was home on her own & asked if I’d like to come over. I said yes. There, around 8.00, we listened to music & talked & wrote in her Euroka [the Cairns High school magazine/yearbook], after I rang Mark. He seemed O.K. again… again we talked for awhile. I mentioned Cameron visited me, and he thought I meant at CB’s (Ha,ha!) No! Before I left for CB’s! (He’s going Thursday, to the Gold Coast)  A Life in WordsSo we got a delivery pizza & after 11.00, we watched RAGE although CB fell asleep.. I soon did too … kept dozing on & off (mostly off) At 2.30 I woke her (well she kinda woke at the same time I sat up) & we got ready for bed. Then she started talking again..

Saturday 23/1/88

We woke a little after 7.00. I rang mum at 7.35 (sat watching RAGE TOP 50, while CB got ready for work, before mum picked me up) At home, continued watching Rage & Jo rang during INXS “Need You Tonight” A Life in Wordsto say how stunningly similar Mark was to the drummer, Andrew Farriss; [we had previously noticed and marvelled at this apparent coincidence back in August 1987 (see here) whilst attending their ‘Kick’ concert at the showgrounds] we didn’t really have much else to say to each other, otherwise. Watched the last of it (Faith is no# 1 again – yay!) and spent the day listening to music, doing scrapbook but mostly NOTHING. Rang Fiona after 4.00- talked about Mark: then rang CB – she said she’d ring [privacy omission]. I rang Mark after 5.00 & he wasn’t extremely friendly. Said he’d watched videos today – went to Keith’s and they went to Nicole’s. [Privacy omission]. Then he refused my offer of the movies, saying he might go with Keith to the Drive-In. Didn’t invite me [privacy omission] BASTARD. I hung up & tried hardest to ring Fi (engaged for ages) Then I bauled on the phone. She says I should forget him: [privacy omission]. I rang [privacy omission] & she rang Nicole who told her she was going to the Drive In. Great. “Liar”, I thought. I rang him up, using the excuse that [privacy omission] was going to pick up the Trivial Pursuit. He wasn’t going. Oh. So I watched TV & eventually rang him again. This time he was going. HURT. Anyway, he said he’d ring me tomorrow. so we’ll wait & see if he remembers. It’s only 8.35 – there’s nothing on TV tonight – I’m alone. Seems everyone’s out – Mum & Julia at movies with Cynthia, mima, Fi & Sue, Brent etc at the movies, Mark at movies and CB, [privacy omission] etc at 21st party. So I’m going to have an early night – maybe wake later to watch some Rage (on my TV) [Wha…? ‘My’ TV? We must have bought our new little Sony telly so I inherited the old 1970’s Rank Arena set …that still required knob-tuning to change channels, volume, etc!] Mum just rang to say she’s coming soon. I’d like to be asleep by then. A Life in WordsPretty bloody horrible day today, but I might go to the beach tomorrow & definitely to Beach Party Nite at the Playpen at night. Oh, and Mark’s ringing …(?!?)

Sunday 24/1/88

Well, I woke around 8.30 and thought immediately of Mark (of course) Decided to wait to ring Fi and watched cricket, but 9.30 was too late as I found out: she’d just left for mima’s. I waited (must’ve been longer than I thought) to ring mima & there was no answer cricket was off due to rain. I rang again round lunch time, but still no answer. “Great”, I thought. So much for sympathy for Elissa. So I watched TV all day. (yeah, cricket came back on) & was just finishing writing to Gatton about deferment when Mike & Cynthia came. Luckily was not long till [privacy omission] & CB (& Pol & Peter) dropped by & said “we’re going to Crystals”. I grabbed a towel & with a short singlet dress & no shoes, felt like a big dag. Picked up Sharon, then at Crystals walked right up to near the top & eventually only stayed for about ½hr (it was cold). On way home, stopped in.. CB, [privacy omission] & Sharon looked at photo albums & school magazines & my scrapbook while (& after I’d finished) packing. Then we went to withdraw money for Sharon, but she’d left her cashcard at home, so [privacy omission] drew some of hers. FOOD from Kentucky Fried, then muck around back at [privacy omission]‘s. Tasha & Lisa C came up, as well as Matt & Trevor. I rang mum & found out Mark apparently said “Where is she?” and Julia said “I don’t know, but she won’t be coming home tonight.” So. What was I to do? I felt sick thinking about it – CB said yes, [privacy omission] said no – what should I do? I left it too late anyway: We were running late as it was. Got to Double Vision just before 9.00 – Megan was there, but not alone – with Ashley & ..Jo! Yay! But Ashley & Jo went home. At first, Sharon, CB & I went up, but CB & I were rejected. I produced false school I.D. & she just accepted it. CB luckily got in on a change of bouncers. then she & Sharon had a really ‘hot’ cocktail [called a ‘Zombie’ and “hot” in that it was – like the ‘Explosion’s we drank at the House on the Hill nightclub – consumed while alight] & were blown away. Guess who we saw? And who went up to talk to? A Life in Words(CB & Sharon) DANNY ROBERTS! From Sons & Daughters! – Andy Greene!! [Who? Until I found a photo (right) I was coming up blank…] But I stayed with [privacy omission] & Megan cos’ they weren’t ‘chasing’ him [I’ve always despised the ‘groupie’ thing; hanging around people for their fame seemed so shallow to me.] – I got bored instead because they were after this other guy. Remember Tyler N? He was there and god, is he hot?! YUMMY. When it ended (well, you should’ve seen the wet Tshirt competition- this horrid guy was standing near me coaxing me to go in it, saying, “you’ll make a killing. If you’ve got it, flaunt it.” Stupid shit.) [Creep.] We went to a 24hr & [privacy omission] stole 2 blocks of chocolate. I was smoking & spinning out!! CB & Matt (W) had a big chocolate fight & [privacy omission] was not impressed. We dropped Megan home and got ready for bed at [privacy omission]‘s. Then I was writing my diary when CB started reading it, cause she was trying to ignore [privacy omission] – it really scared us for awhile – he was scraping a rake against the windows, then hiding. It’s 2.00 and I’m finally finished! Yay! But I’m not even real tired. Guess I’ll have to ring Mark soon (tomorrow) Mph! God I hate Nicole! [Nah, you’re just intimidated by her.] I guess CB & I’ll be talking for awhile now…. G’nite!

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A Photo Alive, A Bar On Fire & Revelation Devastation (4-10 January)

Monday 4/1/88

I slept quite badly last night, actually. I felt every move I made because of my sunburn. But strangely, today, (maybe because I was busy) (but not busy enough as you’ll see) I didn’t notice it too much. No mail for me this morning. I waited awhile before I went to the P.O. with mum [to investigate sending a telegram to my boyfriend]. The man said it’d be cheaper to ring!! (every word costs 60¢ and that includes your addresses etc, so mine would’ve been $11.25 even though I was only going to write DESPERATE FOR YOUR RETURN. LOVE ALWAYS) so I’ll ring tomorrow (gotta work out when I might catch him at the Hotel) so back home I spent the day (eating)(cheese on toast) and ‘cleaning out’ (yes, STILL!) and I still haven’t finished! So I must go into town tomorrow to get their presents, finish cleaning up room (decide whether or not to shift the furniture)A Life in Words and definitely do my QTAC preference thingy. [This ‘thingy” was pretty important if I’d wanted tertiary study to be one of my options for the coming year. I had to submit my chosen course preferences to QTAC (the Queensland Tertiary Admissions Centre) by a certain deadline or I’d have to apply to each institution personally and that would be a right pain in the arse…] It’s 10:00 now. Hope I can sleep better and I hope to god that my burns have gone down (in tone [redness] and pain) before Mark gets back. I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!! No one rang me today. I wonder why – Joannah hasn’t been in touch. Maybe she’s shitty? (what for?) [Well, you won’t know unless you talk to her?] God, I’m hot.

Tuesday 5/1/88

I am so excited! It’s almost 10:00 (if not past that) which means there’s only 10½hrs or so till I see him! Today was, to put it bluntly, eventful. I woke, and when the mailman came there was nothing for me. A Life in WordsMy burns were still tender, but not so much sore & I thanked the Skin Repair for that [a moisturizer that my mum always bought. I’m fairly sure – unlike the pic (left) – that the container was yellow in the 80’s] (so I got away with wearing a bra & cotton dress easily enough!) So much mum & I went into town & traipsed all over the place looking for chains for Mark. I had one chain on hold at nearly every shop I went into! At the Liquor Barn I couldn’t decide what type of liquor to get the W’s so I thought I’d leave it till I rang mark. So at home I rang QANTAS and found out the time distance. [Er, I’d’ve been referring to time zones here. I find it amusing that I chose to call Qantas to find out; we obviously had no idea and no handy resources to work it out, ourselves. These days everyone has Google at their fingertips…] It was 12:00pm at that time, so it would’ve been 9am there. But my phone call was stuffed. I didn’t “book” it to start with, which meant I was ringing the Hotel, not directly Mark [hmm, that I don’t understand] and I was paying for a waste of time trying to page him (which the stupid singapore bitch didn’t – I couldn’t understand a word she said) but I was so upset when I got off that I cried (a bit) Then I decided to try and sort my room out… Joannah rang! She’s having her birthday dinner at Pizza Corner on Thursday night (and guess who’s going? [privacy omission] of course. God I hope Mark’ll come) Well I’m glad she rang. I’ve gotta ring her and see her some time tomorrow [privacy omission] Mum came home soon after that and we went to Earlville (saw Sue!) and I found the perfect (??!! Hope he thinks so) chain. So at home I tried again to sort my room out… I got really upset then, about the shape & layout of my room & how I hated the furniture etc, so I was fairly baulling over that (worst I’ve been in ages) Then after we got through to Mark A Life in Words(Yep! Mum tried and did it better – saved time & money & he was there!) [God my mum was good to me. Really.] I got happier after talking to him [..and that’s the only reason she would’ve tried again. To make me happy.] (so excited) that I forgot my room & just left it the same [that is, forgot about shifting the furniture around] and packed away (most of) the junk off the floor. Gosh the room’s bare now! (My burns aren’t sore – I’ll sleep really well tonight! HOORAY!) I feel really good now! (Although I didn’t get my QTAC done, and my eyes are sore from crying) [!!] well it’s 10:13, I’ve got to get some sleep – up at 7.30 to go & greet Mark. GORGEOUS MARK!!♥♥

Wednesday 6/1/88

A Life in Words
my best friend, behind glass…

Had a really hard time trying to get to sleep last night. I kept hearing a really faint noise, like slight tapping on glass & I freaked myself out thinking it might’ve been Moni tapping the glass separating her from our world (ie: the picture frame) [I remember this. I had a black & white photo (still do!) of Monique in a small brass picture frame on my bedside table and I’d imagined that she was ‘alive’ behind the glass, tapping on it from the inside, from her black-and-white ‘nether’ world.] I got to sleep  eventually but woke up a few times this morning (thinking “only an hour away – he’s in Australia!”) I got up at 7.10 and somehow, we left home at 8:05 (I’m sure I was ready earlier!) And we saw the plane descending as we rounded Suicide Bend at Stratford, so when we got there, I hopped out & went to wait while mum parked the car. Lo & Behold, I see Nicole with the B’s (what a shock!) Anyway, they finally came out of customs around 9:30 (mum had left for work then) Mark didn’t look too much different. Paler, but not too much fatter and I walked over and hugged him & I heard him murmur “Oh baby!” It was rather exciting! We all went back to the W’s, then the B’s & Nicole left. Mark & I mucked around then, [privacy omission] I mentioned the ‘guys’ [I’d pashed while he was away] he didn’t really care: I said “are you disappointed?” and he said “No, I’ve not really got any right to be” (meaning after what he did to me) & I mentioned that [privacy omission] thing [I’d discovered – after he’d left on his holiday – that he’d been at an ex-girlfriend’s house the night before they departed. See Friday 4 December in this post if you’d like the full story] – he said he’d just been there to collect the remaining bet money (with Keith) I said “well, I decided its either me, only me, all me, totally completely me, me, me or nothing, nothing of me, nothing to do with me.” [Nice ‘Drama Queen’ ultimatum, Liss] He didn’t say anything but I said “Well?” and he replied “I don’t think I need to answer that – I think you know the answer.” So, he dropped me home around 12.30, I rang Jo and said I’d go around there. I gave her her present (Mark B. was there for awhile & Jeffrey dropped in too) Mark & Jo were swimming & I sat & admired the watch (my) Mark had given me: black & red (mostly black – gold trimming & roman numerals) A Life in WordsGUCCI!! I couldn’t believe it! It’s gorgeous! […having never travelled out of Australia at this age, I had no idea that imitiations even existed…] Anyway, we watched TV & listened to records all arvy.. I got home around 5.00 and listened to (his) Pet Shop Boys tape on my walkman & watched TV, waiting for his call. Sharon rang around 6.00 or so wanting me to go out but I had perfect reason: Mark just didn’t feel like it (!!) [OMG *facepalm* this is truly exasperating …a perfect example of living your life through someone else. Take note, kids: don’t do this! Don’t make decisions based on the wants of others. Be your own person!] So, he hadn’t rung by 6:30, so I rang him. He said I could go to his place. I started to get ready but he rang back & said we’d go to Croc. Rock because Terry’d told him it was the last $ nite, […see? He’s not living his life for you! (but – considerately – wasn’t excluding you at the same time) oh and that “$ nite” thing? Back in the day, before Liquor Licensing began clamping down on binge-drinking, bars and clubs could attract patrons with all kinds of price-sensitive campaigns and for many years the House on the Hill ‘owned’ Wednesday nights – commonly referred to as “Dollar Night”. The crack-down may have been in its inception, if this was indeed “the last $ nite”…] so around 7:20 I got to his place. He was asleep. We both talked a little but then both dozed off (well, I dozed – he slept) Then Sandra woke us & we got ready. (we were just in time: Keith, Mr B & Nicole pulled up) Fine inside… weren’t many people. Mark appeared pretty bored; I tried to mingle (without leaving Mark out) Um, I had quite a bit to drink, including a cocktail with Mark, and I was feeling pretty good.. I found out my GUCCI isn’t genuine Gucci [der] he couldn’t afford one of those. [Der!] But don’t mind – it’ll fool anyone else! […ummm, likelihood of that is low…] We had a dance & I saw Delanie! I think we left quite soon after that. I remember not feeling too well, and everyone said I looked like I was about to drop dead with fatigue. So Mark said “Do you want to go home, or would you like to stay at my place?” You know what I chose! We prepared for sleep around 12.30…

Thursday 7/1/88

…Of course, we didn’t feel tired then we talked a fair bit, actually about people, us, etc, A really good talk. I remember stroking his stomach near his belly button & we’d stopped talking; [privacy omission] I was about to say “do you want to make love?” (working up the guts) when he said “come here.” So I fell asleep in his arms after it. So I moved up to his bed again later [we’d been on a mattress on the floor] -it was too cramped. We woke fairly early – about 8:00 & we mucked around: teasing. sometimes talking. [privacy omission] We made it again. And after that, faced the family (of course they were surprised to see me) A Life in WordsI noticed I’d given him a hickie too: embarrassing!! We watched TV from about 10.00 or 10.30 through till about 2:00 or so, affectionately stroking or touching each other throughout. We walked to the shop to buy soft drink and he tidied up his room a bit, then we looked at the Holiday photos before he dropped me home. I’m sure this trip has done him the world of good – he is so affectionate now (compared to what he used to be) and he seems to have a better attitude towards people (talking about [privacy omission]: he said he doesn’t really hate them – thinks [privacy omission] A very different attitude! I rang Fi but she was talking to Jason (said she’d ring back, but didn’t) Rang Jo, too. Otherwise I just watched the cricket (CB rang me too but that was much later) At 4.50 I realised I hadn’t done my QTAC. [Here we go…] We rushed to the P.O. but the man said it’d get there Monday, even by airmail – so I’m going to have to send it by courier tomorrow. Great. Well, I left [for my friend’s birthday dinner] around 7:25. Mark didn’t seem too excited (can I blame him?) [I don’t know, can you?] We were early so went for a walk. He said he was really tired (I was too) Keith & Greg were nearby & we talked to them until we had to go in. Jo & Nicole & Dean & Jeffrey were very late. Had the rest of us (Fiona, Sue, Megan, Jim & Philip) not gone in, we would’ve lost the tables: they only hold them for 10 mins. The waitress was a real bitch. Mark & I kinda talked to ourselves, mostly. I drank a little wine. It wasn’t really great overall. We walked to the mall. I rang mum & we waited. Saw CB & [privacy omission] just before mum came. Dropped Mark off at home. I’m preparing to BOMB! I’m so exhausted – tired. I have to get that QTAC away tomorrow. We’re having car & rat troubles (again). My room’s still not neat yet. Oh, I really need to hit the sack. Goodnight!

Friday 8/1/88

Well, I had a big sleep last night: mum woke me briefly this morning around 8.00 to tell me she was going to get the car brakes fixed: I barely recall that! I fell asleep again & was woken again by mum telling me to hurry: we had to get my QTAC on the 10:00 Ansett airfreight cargo. [Good ol’ Ansett. It was the major competitor to Qantas in Australia up until its demise in 2001, since Richard Branson’s Virgin Airlines had only begun operation in Australia a year earlier.] A Life in WordsMum had a few things to do beforehand & I was scared we wouldn’t make it. At the desk, we explained that we needed it delivered That day and the guy said “Oh well, that’ll be $85.86.” SHIT! He said possibly the best (cheapest & only) was was to go to the P.O. & get a facsimile. It cost us $9 and I’m pretty sure (hoping desperately) That QTAC will accept a fax. [Ah, the old fax! We hardly knew what it was even then, because they were so ‘new’ but thanks to the Internet, they are now hardly utilised so I imagine many young people wouldn’t know what they are either. It’s kind of like sending a scanned copy of a document down a telephone line… so, quite similar to what we now more commonly do through the internet …at home, and for ‘free’.] At home after, I listened to headphones & watched TV for a little while, before finally finishing clearing my room, then dusting it, then vacuuming the house. I rang Mark & he said he wanted to stay home. I was a little disappointed. I said I wanted to see him before the party… whether it was tonight or sometime tomorrow .. he said if he organised anything tonight, he’d ring. I had a feeling he wouldn’t.  That’s why, when Sharon rang I accepted her invitation to go out! (oh! Fi visited this avry, just after Sharon rang… I let her read Mark’s letter & caught her up on all the “goss”. Heather W & Sandra F came by, too – god knows why) she came over around 7.00 and I got v. angry trying to decide what to wear. [Choosing an outfit can be agonising for most females but it can be catastrophic for a hormonal teenaged girl. Or… maybe just for this perfectionist teenaged girl?] Heather W lent me a black shirt eventually. Mum dropped us up there – 9:15 or so (really early – quite empty) Tania was working again. We danced – saw the Saints guys, Megan V, too! Yeah she & Chris (& her friend Renee) are back in town! Aaron K had 3 sleazy cousins. Sharon got a guy she was after, so I spent a lot of time with Aaron. He is quite affectionate towards his close female friends apparently (eg: Sue) and he was being rather nice to me, too! In fact, I got a bit nervous when he started sucking my fingers. Alison M bought me a N.Y’s drink – triple vodka & orange – wo! strong! So eventually (god I danced a lot – not drunk: I had an unreal time though. Oh god, you should’ve seen in Smithy’s earlier on: I spilt a (lit) Explosion & the bar caught alight! A Life in WordsBartender reckons “you stupid, brainless bitch.” I was SO embarrassed.) [THIS is a standout memory for me, and I’m positive that it’s the very reason I’ve never forgotten about those ‘Explosion’ cocktails. As I’ve mentioned previously, they were a concoction of straight spirit nips – no mixers or other additives, just pure alcohol – set alight and consumed through a straw. I’d downed many of them in the past but for some strange reason (I guess it’s always a little nerve-wracking lower your face toward a naked flame?) this time I knocked the glass over and as the alcohol soaked the bar-mat, the flame instantly blazed. The female bartender flew into a frenzy but I’ll never forget the tall blonde man calmly standing behind her, with his contemptuous expression, slowly shaking his head as he verbally abused me. I turned on my heel, dropped my head and exited the lounge as fast as I could. Gold, pure gold!] got home ’round 2:30 (well I did) And I bombed.

Saturday 9/1/88

… sleeping rather soundly till about 9.15… Mark rang. I hate talking to him on the phone: he sounds so bored. Told me what he was going to do & I said I’d ring him back later in the afternoon. Julia watched the cricket all day – Sri Lanka vs. N.Z. so I did too A Life in Words(still listening to Pet Shop Boys – Mark’s – tape) So many phonecalls to jo, especially late in the afternoon, early evening. Fi visited again this afternoon (did I say she was out last night too?. With Sue, of course) [a little possessive, green-eyed monster there?] Mark rang from Steven’s …were going to come to the party together.. I told him they were both welcome, if the need arose, to stay at my place. So I got ready & got to Jo’s (with our stereo) about 7.30. I was boiling hot. By 8.15 there were about 10 or so people there… more came slowly, informing us that most people were outside. Around 9.30, everyone was inside & there were MASSES of people.. it was so hot & cramped! Nicole & I were trying to find alcohol. (Mark & Steven still hadn’t turned up) We were going out with [privacy omission] to have some pot, when they arrived. I scared the daylights out of him (accidentally) when we came back (I didn’t get any, anyway) I talked briefly before going off to find drink again (he seemed bored with me) I came back, then left again. When I returned, Nicole was right in front of him. I pushed my way in… felt unwelcome, though (Nicole had moved away a little) so left again. When I returned, she was back again – I started to get very angry (upset) I cried to Fiona & Sue ..they went to get in her way (they were both quite drunk) I wanted to avoid him. I noticed the bitch was standing practically in between his legs. I was spewing with rage. Eventually he came up & said “can we talk?” In the kitchen he said “What’s happening? What’s with us?” We had a D+M. [Deep & Meaningful talk for those who’ve never heard the term before] it was BAD. He wanted to try & find out what our situation was (our relationship) He said there wasn’t much time before he left and he wanted to spend it all with me ..he didn’t want to lose me ..he didn’t want me to leave. He said a lot of guys are interested in me now & then he said how people had been saying who I’d been with (most of them were lies- Phil N. Phil C. Jeff M) I don’t know: we were talking about the past ..trust, lies, cheating & he wanted to know about the 3 guys (argumentative). [I’m not sure what I meant by ‘argumentative’ but the “3 guys” referred to the boys I’d ‘gotten with’ during his absence… the knowledge of which I had openly offered up days before, mind you…] He wanted, then, to know how far I’d gone – he said he’d never gone all the way… he asked me. I couldn’t lie [I’ve never been good at it]: it hurt so much to say the truth- then, he asked me who. Pause. “WHO?” “[privacy omission]” He couldn’t believe it. I tried to explain it wasn’t me- [that] I was drunk […literally legless…] (but he put it down to a ‘lame excuse’) […which it definitely wasn’t. For the full story – or, my experience at least – see this post] A Life in WordsEventually he slammed (punched) a cupboard door, said “God that makes me mad” & walked off. I burst out in tears. I tried to find Fi. Jo couldn’t understand. God it hurt so much. I wish like HELL it never happened . I hate [privacy omission] for it… I hate that night. Mark wouldn’t talk to me … I wouldn’t go near him anyway. Of course Nicole was stuck there like glue. I talked to [privacy omission]; she sympathized- hates Nicole too. I became v. moody & unsociable – the party had moved outside by then anyway. Mark, Steven & of course Nicole stayed (together) for ages …I wish they’d just left earlier. I eventually got Fi to talk to him.. she said he was very cut ..said it’d take time (& that hurts ’cause there’s not much at all) He couldn’t, just couldn’t believe it. I was positive it’d be over ..he’d hate me, never forgive me for it and it hurt so much. I was hurting so much: because of Nicole, because of that horrid argument & mostly because he loved me so much & I hurt him so much. [….by being honest? Yep, because the truth hurts…] I can understand him hating me for it […only because he didn’t believe I was as ‘innocent’ as I claimed …but since I was, his contempt would be unjust…] – I’ve hated him for his indiscretions and I’ve held it against him… [for my perception of his level of ‘participation’ in them…] he can hold it against me, [well, you can’t change anyone else’s mind, so I guess…] but I want him back I love him SO MUCH. God I love you … [Hm, I don’t think you do. I think you’re dependant and in love with the idea of Love; “dem rose-coloured glasses”…] I didn’t know it was, oh shit. You won’t accept anything I say in my defense. It’s my word against [privacy omission]‘s & you’ll stick with [him] cause he’s your [privacy omission] friend. [Finally my gut kicked in: I knew “how it was” and that I was fighting an uphill battle…] OH PLEASE have me back. I want you.

Sunday 10/1/88

… So when they left I totally ignored Nicole (even more) & she knew I hated her… talked to Megan & Jo about it …Jo & I lay down to watch Rage – I promised to wake her if she fell asleep, so we could sleep in proper beds (comfort) but we both fell asleep (unaware of time) & left the TV on all night. I remember Nigel putting a cushion under my head, I remember G-FORCE being on when I first stirred in the morning (& Jo got up) I remember coughing a lot & a german speaking show was on when I got up. We cleaned up – hosing, collecting trash etc (I still ignored Nicole as much as possible) then after a trip to the shop, had breakfast, talked, played CLEUDO, some TV (atari-type) games. A Life in Words[…the 80’s version of video gaming, for those too young to know – that’s a photo of an ’87 console to the right] Megan left. Nicole & I were left alone in the room & she asked me straight out if I was pissed off with her. I said YES. “Basically, I hate you talking to Mark.” We didn’t get to finish it, though. Mum wasn’t home, so I had to go to the shop with Jo .. it was so boring, we nearly (Jo did, out the back) fell asleep. I minded the shop ..looking across the road at a couple hugging and kissing… I got upset all over again (Tried ringing mum, all arvy, but still no answer) Eventually, got back to Jo’s & I rang the Fishers. . Fiona went across & got mum: she’d left ½ of the answering machine on, so that’s why I never go through. Came quickly & I told her the whole story (the truth about [privacy omission] included) [oh, I’d’ve thought I’d told her about that much sooner; I had no problem opening up to my mum] crying at most of it… then at home, crying more telling Julia (& alone in the shower) I’d like to send him some roses, but what to say on the card? I am so hurt, thinking about how he’d be feeling & thinking about how long it will be till (if he ever does) talk to me again. He CAN’T end it. I gave him a second chance, SURELY he can give me one. [I was so upset, so desperate, that I truly believed I was in the wrong. How sad. Young and naive…] GOD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. Don’t lose me, Mark. You love me too much …”What is the truth? Love: the unselfish & forgiving kind.” A Life in Words[This (slightly misquoted) maxim from Linda Goodman’s book “Love Signs” had stuck with me because it was the conclusion to her section on our particular sun sign compatibilities: something I had obviously read a few times…] Well it’s almost 10.00. Thorn Birds is on TV. I want to watch it – hope I can sleep in a long time. I want him to call me. Oh please, call me soon Mark.

Beaches, Shots, Cocktails: A Party Animal is Born (28 September-4 October)

Monday 28/9/87

[Having gone out clubbing on the Sunday night (to my first ‘Beach Party’ night at the Playpen!) this entry kicks off with my continuing recount of the ‘rage’ we were having in the wee hours…]

→ And I was O.K! [referring to my having consumed ten tequila shots] Stumbled now & then, but I was standing & taking the stairs well and I knew (almost) everything I was doing. I had no money left by the end. There was this cute blonde guy called Scott who danced with me, but the Americans later on, were unreal. “Will” was quite cute (what I remember!) kept saying I had a cute smile; [that] I was cute. IT WAS TOTALLY UNREAL. We were all drunk. (Fi & Sharon worst!) We lost Lucy & Sharon after cos Fi & I went to Yanks for hot dog & milkshake & they’d gone when we got back. Fi & I drove round. [I’d normally have omitted this to respect Fiona’s privacy (because we all know drink-driving is, apart from illegal, an extremely dangerous & foolish activity) but I was stunned when she insisted I publish it. It demonstrates she’s completely prepared to admit to and accept responsibility for her actions: one of the primary reasons I began this project for myself – to be responsible for all I have thought, said and done…”right” or “wrong”, “good” or “bad” …irrespective of criticism or judgement. For what it’s worth, I was also guilty of this idiotic practice for a while in the not-too-distant future. Alcohol-induced bravado aside, the problem is we think we are invincible at this age. Or we just don’t think. Drink-driving was really only just starting to become a serious community issue in the late ’80’s: it definitely didn’t seem to bear quite the significance it does today. Suffice to say, we were just plain “lucky”.] We found them – fi dropped us home (Lucy’s) WE BOMBED!! A Life in WordsWoke early (haven’t been able to sleep in at all so far) we decided (Sharon, Fi & I) to go to Palm Cove. Sharon & I walked to her place – her mum took us & Fi drove there about 12:30. Beautiful weather, Didn’t really sunbake- walked, swam & socialized! A Life in Words[…and took heaps of photos] Home around 3:30-4:00. Wanted to go to movies tonite. so rang Jo, but she was really depressed about Victor. SO I talked to her. And watched the sick movie tonite. It’s 10:15 now. I’m dead! →can’t wait for Wednesday nite

Tuesday 29/9/87

Everyone else is so busy! I went around Earlville & town with mum & Julia today after ringing nearly everyone: Fi with Jason, Mima with Brent, Joannah with Victor, Sharon at work & Lucy “not home”A Life in Words Julia got Jenny Morris’ tape. I still love T.T.D. (Terence Trent D’arby) even tho it reminds me of Mark’s & my break-up. [Someone actually mentioned to me (at a recent reunion, I think) that they couldn’t stand Terence Trent D’Arby because I’d played his album repeatedly in our CAD art classes. Whoops!] We visited Leonie in hospital. Genelle & Amanda weren’t there, but Brooke is Gorgeous!! So cute. At home, I unpicked the tulle from my black dress- have to alter it again- my boobs getting bigger, still! [That must’ve been all due to the contraceptive pill, because I remember noticing (& loving) the weight my fresh singledom & heavy partying was shedding from me…] I’m going to shorten it & wear it out tomorrow nite ($nite!!) [Back in the days of lax liquor legislation, ‘Dollar Drinks’ nights were huge crowd pullers. For obvious reasons. It’s now illegal to promote alcohol in any way that even implies the potential to binge-drink, let alone encourages it.] I rang Fi (night with Jason) Jo (nite with V.) Sharon (saving her money for tomorrow nite) Justine (engaged) finally Beka, Jules & I went to see RAISING ARIZONA. A Life in WordsFunny! I cracked up in the cinema -something I’ve never done. [Hmm, must watch that one again to see if I still find it as amusing. There’s nothing like a good laugh, especially if it’s out loud in a public place.] Caught up on news (updated her) with Beka. She’s got a guy too. [Feeling lonely, much?] God, tomorrow nite’d better be good! Philip’s gonna be there – Jo told me! Yay! (She also told me Deena B likes him. Uhoh) 10:30. Sleep 4 2morrow!

Wednesday 30/9/87

I just can’t seem to sleep in & I so badly need the sleep. Today I went, around 11:30, into town with Fi – We didn’t do too much constructive; we were so tired: saw Glyn, Cameron & Deanne. I copped shit from Glyn about Friday night (-SO bad!) [I’m assuming this was just referring to my being drunk, but god knows what I said. I’m clearly quite an ‘open book’ without alcohol in my system… I can only imagine what came out of my mouth while I was under the influence.] Home around 3:00 I bludged, lazed. Phoned Fi, Jo. Eventually. I got ready, Sharon came & we went to Fi’s. To Jo’s (I asked Fi, [privacy omission] if I should apologize to Angie if she was there – they all said no. [Privacy omission] said she did get with him that night. So I started to feel depressed & sick) [A typical stress reaction…] Sharon & Jo got in, Fi & I waited with Jas. & Brendan We all got in. They said there’d be a raid […meaning police raid] There wasn’t. [It sounds so sinister, and as a law-breaking, underaged patron it certainly felt like it to me but in reality it was most likely just a routine ‘patrol’. A Life in WordsI do recall one or two people I knew getting turfed out on occaision, but I’m fairly sure that’s as far as it ever went (no formal penalties, that is). These days there’d be seriously large fines involved for everyone: the ‘minor’, the staff and the business proprietors/company.] Basically, I had a good night. Tricia was there. With Astia. Mark & Keith (Keith talked to me) Apparently they were at Green Island today with the Year 11 girls (Nicole) I didn’t say one word to mark – neither did I even look at him (deliberately) He left early. I was certain I told everyone I saw, he was with Tricia, [although it seems very much like I was deliberately gossip-mongering it wasn’t the case at all: my expectation, my belief that they’d get together was so intense, I created a ‘reality’ from it] but Jason & Sharon both told me at the end, that Tricia was nowhere around him, when it was supposed to have →

A Life in WordsThursday 1/10/87

←happened. Amazing. I’ll bet something did tho. It had to. […them Trust issues!] I talked to Astia briefly about it (I was drunk, so was she) & also, at one stage, Sandra (W) & I had a long talk outside (I told her about the weird dream I had about him Wed. Morning. Great talking to her). [Oh dear yes, you see? Alcohol + Elissa = Blabbermouth] Basically, what happened was, I barely saw him (left early I think) I danced, and drank (talked to Martin G.) all nite. FUN! I was so blotto [slang for “blind rotten drunk”] when I got home: David actually said goodbye to me. WOW. [Um, yeah ….WOW?] Sharon was there. Woke early for her [Sharon, I assume – perhaps she had to go to work?] this morning gave mum her $50 + cards. Boring day at home – a total waste – but you need a good “waste” now & then, huh? [Yes, you do. I’ve deduced over many years that ‘Wastage’ (in all its  forms) is a huge issue for me – underlying many of my actions and idiosyncrasies – so this wee rumination from my past self is uncannily relevent, even now.] The more I think about it, the more inevitable it looks that Mark won’t get in contact with me, at all. It’s so sad. But I’m not feeling sick with depression at the moment. [That’s called “getting over it”] Went out late nite Earlville mum spent some (most) of her money. I saw Steven & Glyn, Sandra W (couldn’t stop to talk) Philip N & Colleen A Life in Words(She said at green Island she, Nicole got a surfski, tipped & Mark & Keith swam out & “saved” them) [I can just feel the sarcasm (weakly disguising my pain) in these words] Also, Mark & Keith were home (or??) before 12:00, they left. Screw Trish maybe? […oh and most definitely here!]

Friday 2/10/87

I went to Fitzroy, tired as I was, and it was GREAT! I had an unreal time (esp. perving on David.) Didn’t get burnt, but look browner now! Swam, walked, talked. It was totally unreal; best day I’ve had, I think. Remembered Monique; the last time I’d been to Fitzroy was a year ago – october holidays with her, Sharon, Lucy, Beka and Fiona. Was very self-conscious about my leg, for the first time. [Maybe because this was the first time your ‘deformity’ was exposed to a crush who had no involvement or direct connection to the ordeal (unlike your recent ex) and was therefore – according to your perception – in a greater position to judge and reject you? Another perfect example of an over-active Mind delivering Stress…] Anyway, they didn’t stay over at Fitzroy cos’ the weather didn’t look too promising; were going to have a BBQ, and I badly wanted to go to that, but remembered I’d promised to go out with Sharon. Fi rang later & said it wasn’t on anyway. Sharon & I went to town- tequila in the Hideaway (yukky) A Life in Words[yukky meaning I wasn’t comfortable there: it was a dark, dingy pub that I actually think was called the Hides Hotel. Did I get the name wrong or did it undergo a name change at some stage …anyone?] saw Glyn B & Cameron & Glyn W. in mall. Rang Jo (wasn’t going to come) couldn’t get a taxi so [Sharon] tricked me into hitching a ride there (saying she knew the guys) [Hitchhiking was something my parents educated me very well against. Even now it’s not something I would do, and I was more adamantly against it back then so Sharon would have to have lied to get me to do it…] Got in. Saw Michelle danced. Drank. Danced. Upstairs for $ drink, saw Liam, David, Wade.. we talked to them.. .I met Stuart P & (formally) Vlaco. Danced, hung around Glyn B, (lost Sharon) found her with David (she’d previously been with Wade) then lost her. Stuart & I talked; he made me buy a→

Saturday 3/10/87

→cocktail “EXPLOSION”. […and oh how this particular beverage led to some interesting experiences. A combination of numerous neat spirits (no mixers at all) set alight, you had to suck it up through a straw…quickly.] We kissed. I GOT WITH HIM! He kisses so tenderly (he knows Mark) But he said “I’m so confused: I don’t want to hurt you- I like Glyn too.” But I could tell, he only really liked Glyn (more) [well, it’s good to know my ‘radar’ was working on some level…] I was totally understanding & I think that impressed him. [Ha! Cute.] He said I was special & he’d never forget me & wants to be good friends. [Aren’t drunkenness & immaturity an entertaining combination?!] Well, they say love grows from friendship, right?) A Life in WordsI left him with Glyn & hung around Dean (told him the guys I like -god, I’m a fool!) [Drunkie-Blabbermouth strikes again] Went outside- I was really drunk & falling asleep! Sat down on grass, going in, I (vomitted) shh! Embarrassing (as good as when I smashed the glass on the bar in IMAGES [the upstairs bar at the House on the Hill nightclub.] SKINT!) [Yes, always a ‘proud’ moment breaking, dropping or spilling your drink in an establishment while intoxicated.] Finally Sharon came back -David all over her. We got a taxi home with Dean, David & Wade. Woken at 8:30 – late for work! Worked till 2:00, at home, rang Fi then went up to tell her & Jason all about the nite (Dav. & Sharon esp.) They laughed: David took Sharon for a ride, badly! She thinks he loves her & she loves him. Home: Sharon rang – I went to her place, we waited till 8:20 for Fiona .. not going to Kentucky [that’s KFC] tea anymore. At bottle shop, got heaps of liquor (sharon & I : tequila+)orange juice also for me. at the party (up the street abit) drank a bit. I knew I’d be sick drinking, let alone on an empty stomach [Textbook Teenaged Drinking: you know the dangers but you charge on regardless…] – was O.K. till Megan & I (V. – David’s sister) went to party …danced alot. She’s so nice

Sunday 4/10/87

→saw Mark, but walked away. Was sick [literally vomited] after dancing a while .. felt much better after […as you do…]. Stuart P. was there; didn’t see him much. Phillip wasn’t there (N. was) Met Jo, (& Gordon McK -remember him?) [Ahhh…nope.] Was rather boring.. Mark was standing round. Keith the bastard came up & reckons “so, have you come to terms with it yet? That you’re not going out?” That made me quite a bit depressed. Geoffry M (cutie) was being really nice. Cameron was drunk – didn’t talk to him. Jo, Vlaco & I standing, when Jo went after Victor. Vlaco & I went up to the cars, sat with Fiona (gone!!) [by that, I am thinking ‘blotto’…] & the rest. Chris (David’s brother) was (so cute) getting really close, but, like, he’s only 15 (if he was older.. yum!) [I wouldn’t think twice about a buy being two years younger than me now… but there’s a BIG difference between males and females in the teen years…] Finally we drove to 24HR, then dropped Chris & Liam off. (Chris said goodbye a few times) I bombed at home & woke this morning depressed at what Keith said. Jo rang early (she was depressed- Vic. & her broke off – I knew it wouldn’t last) so I went to her place. We talked a lot .. finally around 2:30, went to the boutique (Palm Cove) walked to jetty – Deena & Adrienne we talked to (Deena really likes Philip – doesn’t look too rosy for me) A Life in Wordsand ate ice-cream with (!!) then Jo & I went to Ramada & had 2 cocktails (for $4!) Mark B was working – gave us 1 for free, and the other ½ price. YUMMY! Home late. had to ring to talk to Sharon. David still lying (or is he?) & Sharon’s in too deep. I’m not worried about seeing Mark tomorrow. I don’t care. My sights are set on Phillip; I do have a chance, I’m sure cos he liked me a lot last year (P.H. said he doesn’t often like girls so much) [Ok, that was not well worded. What I should have said was that Phil, as a confirmed heterosexual male, had ‘refined tastes’ with regard to girls – maybe the most suitable word is ‘choosey’? Or, he simply didn’t chase a lot of skirt, wasn’t a ‘womaniser’. Oh dear, I hope I have redeemed myself…]

OJ Spews, ‘Approximate Exactitude’ & Relief for Nana (10-16 August)

Monday 10/8/87

Felt a bit down again this morning. I can’t get over the time he spent with her. All night they talked – all night I believe nothing happened. I really do, but it still hurts to think he spent 5 odd hours talking to her.. alone, without getting bored. He would never do that with me. Can you understand? [Oh I understand something completely different…] It makes me feel really down- [like] I bore him or something. Anyway I perked up around lunchtime (incidentally I don’t like Angela’s hair black, at all) See, it is jealousy – I’m jealous that she can keep him interested, that he would talk with her alone all night without getting bored. […and my opinion about her new hair colour would most likely have been a little tainted by this jealousy…] God it hurts so much. It’s pointless me trying to let him know. I’ve tried in the past to talk & explain – its useless – he doesn’t hear me. [Soooo… maybe don’t try ..and save some of your precious energy?] What am I doing here, then? [Exactly.] Did some HW tonight. I resent any talk about that night. [Privacy omission] said “as a joke” something to Nicole about Mark wanting to fuck her. THAT IS REALLY SICK. A Life in Words[What I’m unable to illustrate – due to the limitations of computer text options – is how heavily I had underlined the word ‘really’ (see pic). Not once, but four times. I evidently felt strongly about this…] another late night.

Tuesday 11/8/87

Strangely, we’ve been getting on pretty well over the past few days. Wonder why? [Now the positives induce suspicion.. this isn’t ‘healthy’.] It’s wierd. [and I continue to spell ‘weird’ incorrectly…] A Life in WordsAnyway I woke this morning with a sore throat, from all my coughing & I felt a little sick in a wierd way. I was also v. tired. I went to school anyway, thinking it was over-fatigue, but at school it got worse (on & off) By the end of lunchtime I had the biggest headache so Jason drove me home. I bombed out and slept till about 3:19 [LOL. “about” 3:19? What, was it 3:18 and 54 seconds… or a few milliseconds after 3:19? Approximate exactitude is oxymoronic!] (heard the answering machine), then till about 3:45 when mum & Jules arrived home. I slept the rest of the afternoon (after some chips) my throat is dry & a bit sore from all the coughing & my headache is horrible. I had some fish for tea: not much + pineapple (sickly) Dozed in front of T.V. till mum “dragged” me to bed about 8:00-8:30. [One of the sweeter, long-lost memories of my mum’s expression of love for me: I can hear her in my groggy stupor murmuring my name, gently shaking, then trying to lift me up from whatever position I’d languished in. And when I acquiesced, she’d’ve escorted my aimless body all the way to my bed.] Hope I get better for Friday – baseball & Sat nite-Nigel’s party. Was going to ring Mark, but headache was too bad & I was too weak to bother

Wednesday 12/8/87

Really restless sleep last night – about 11:30 I woke…and vomited (chips, fish & orange juice) [oh, the burn! OJ is possibly the worst thing to regurgitate I think…] A Life in Wordsstayed home today (for sure!) Mark didn’t ring & I couldn’t be bothered to ring him. Fiona, Jason & Anna dropped round after school sometime, for a short while. My headache disappeared this morning – today I had fever (temp.) cough and sinus blockage and was very tired and weak. Is about 9:00 or so now. Auntie Ruth [my mum’s aunt – one of my grandmother’s (many) sisters] arrived around 7:45 tonight. Read my novel all day. Ate 3 mandarins & an orange .. lots of vitamin C. Am taking tomorrow off as well, to make sure I’m better for the weekend. [Because my social life was always first priority…] Did no work & I have an english assignment due on Friday + a biol test on Tuesday. Heavens above! (←ha!) [I’m probably laughing at myself using such ‘dated’ – and semi-religious – terminology here.]

Thursday 13/8/87

A Life in Words
The earliest photo (in my possession) of Nana & me, at Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary in Brisbane. There’s no date on it but judging by the size of me, it would have to be 1971-72

Slept very restlessly last night; woke nearly every hour, I think. I heard the phone ring around 6:00 this morning. Nana died. [Clearly my great-aunt Ruth arrived just in time for her sister’s passing, but I’m not sure whether she actually got to visit her.] I didn’t cry when mum told me & I don’t think I really will cry over the fact that she’s dead → I’m so glad she’s out of her misery – she was in a lot of it. [And that was it. I think, having personally met with Death in such an intense and unique way just six months earlier myself, I was somewhat prepared emotionally – and spiritually – for this moment, which is evident in my reasoning. I still believe – in fact more now than ever – that ‘wherever’ we ‘go’ when we pass is ‘better’. At this point in time, I was comforted by the ‘knowledge’ that leaving her gnarled body, Nana was now free of the insufferable rheumatoid arthritic pain. And to be brutally honest, since I wasn’t terribly close to her (we ‘clashed’ a lot in my early teens) I wasn’t going to miss her presence on a daily basis as I did Monique’s…] I spent the day reading again.. no fever – am just very tired & have the cough & nasal congestion still, but I feel (and Auntie Ruth agrees) that after tonight’s sleep I’ll be fine. I hope so. I rang Mark tonight .. cos it didn’t look like he was going to ring me. He was at Earlville with Terry ..so rang back. The phone did not stop ringing tonite – Keith & Jemima also rang me. My eyes are stinging – I need sleep to get better. I had 4 (or 5??) mandarins today! (+ dinner – veges) so I should have the vitamins required to boost my energy level tomorrow. [See? Even back then I was acquiring and demonstrating basic nutrition knowledge, hinting at my innate passion for the subject!] Haven’t done english assignment. Too bad. I’ll come late to school: miss double english. Is 9:45 …To sleep!!!

Friday 14/8/87

I’m feeling quite a bit better now. See, this morning I woke – feeling absolutely normal .. until I got up. The cough was persistent and even got worse early tonight, and my tiredness, fatigue & weak feelings plagued me (Making my joints feel heavy, and ache) I went to school anyway – it was a total waste. At little lunch (I went to school during 3rd period) I had to go up to Mark. He said one or two things & that was it. Didn’t even turn to face me, or offer to make room for me to sit down. So I went & sat on my own, practically, he walked past & did nothing. He walked to art ahead of me. Love the concern he shows for me. (He doesn’t – that’s just it, elissa – you should know by now it’s the way he is.) [ …if that’s so, and you aren’t happy, why persist?] so I was really depressed & mum picked me up at big lunch. I dozed at home. Mike & Cynthia bought over dinner – Golden Rooster. Couldn’t eat too much my stomach has shrunk. Is 9:30. I had a lemon & honey drink (YUK) as a last resort. A Life in Words[And I bloody-well love those things now… with ginger and turmeric added as well. Here’s a link to the recipe on my food blog, Food Fervour] Good sleep tonite & hopefully I’ll be fine for the party. Mark really gets to me. [You “let” him. No one is put on this Earth to either elate nor annoy You.] Hey! I’m not coughing!!! (Yet – touch wood!)

Saturday 15/8/87

I woke this morning – coughing. [I obviously didn’t touch any wood?] Alas & alack! But it was easier for me to stand etc. I still get times when my joints (limbs) ache & feel weak, but not as much, and not as bad, as before. We went to the doctor & got amoxyl (penecillan) & cough tablets. [So it obviously wasn’t a flu or viral infection after all?] I’ve been resting a fair bit today, in preparation for the party. (I’m going- there’ll be plenty of opportunities for me to sit down if I need it, mima said) Mark hasn’t rung. I’ve been thinking alot while lying down today… nothing’s the same anymore. We need the biggest, longest talk. There’s a lot of sorting out to do. A lot. [Talking… sorting out… it’s pointless when only one party is ‘interested’…] I’m not exactly “elated” in this relationship. [You don’t say?] A Life in WordsHe doesn’t make me feel like the ‘princess’ I used to be. [*NB: back in the 80’s being a ‘princess’ didn’t have the negative connotations that it can these days.] But that’s not all. [….well, what?] It’s almost 6:00. Am going around 8:30. [There was no mark in my diary to indicate I’d finished the earlier segment of my entry, but from here on in I’m clearly writing at a later point in time (most likely when I got home) describing my night:] It [the party] wasn’t that good. In fact, a waste of time. Only having tea when Jemima, Brent & Fi arrived ..at Nigel’s  it was boring. No one there. saw Mark & Keith once, they came back & went again. I went and lay down in Nigel’s room (feeling ill) Jemima, Brent, Jason & Fi talking to me. Mark told Sue he didn’t think I liked him. He thought I didn’t like him. (How?) went downstairs & Keith was there – took us to the other party everyone was raving about, At Toogood Road. TONNES, & I mean TONNES of people there→

Sunday 16/8/87

I was bored: Feeling ill, I needed to sit down all the time + problem of Mark – I asked him about it, but he seemed reluctant to talk so left him alone all night. I asked him to take me home, but I went with Brett instead (Cameron too). Just dropped cameron off – in Collins Ave. Brett stopped & I was sick (O.J.) At home I bombed out & I didn’t wake till around 10:00-10:30 this morning. Party was the pits. I asked nearly everyone if they knew what was up with Mark, [oh Elissa!] No one did tho’. Watched TV, rested today. Mark & Keith came over around 3:00 in the afternoon. Left soon after. I asked Mark to come around again tonight. A Life in WordsWe went to the park.. bit hard to get started talking, straight away, and the talk was not quite what I expected it to be. It’s really strange. This week, Mark was, apparently, really insecure – thought I was going to end the relationship. I can tell he still feels different, in a way. But it mattered a lot to him. And after that party I realised it. He not only loves me, he’s devoted, too. [You can’t be serious?] He left around 9:00. I watched mini-series show. Is now 10:40. Clean my teeth & off to bed.

Cheerleading at the Foot’s Cup & ‘The Best Time of My Life’ (27 July-2 August)

Monday 27/7/87

Good day. I’m so excited about the formal now. Had our last dance practise tonight and I’ve pretty well got the knack of the 5 dances we’ve learnt. Mark was away today (from school, that is) [um, what else, if not school?] – very tired. Slept thru’ till about 4th period → 11:30, or so!!!!) Had dogshit on my shoe in chemistry – shit it stunk! Yukky! Told Fi all about Saturday night & Sunday morning . . the things we talked about Sat. nite, especially. So tired!!! Mr Grossetti finally back at school. Did no HW again. SHiT, I’m BAD. After school, went around trying to get a maths textbook. [We must’ve needed a different/new one for the final semester?] NOWHERE!!! Must get Mark to take me to get one from school- I don’t know where. [There was a second-hand ‘book shop’ at school but it was located in an area I didn’t ‘frequent’. It was almost dungeon-like; on the ground level of one of the main (oldest) buildings in the school.] Went to Mark’s place, on way home and dropped off his bowtie A Life in Words(wasn’t home – gone to Edge Hill school to play footie) He rang me anyway! After dance practise (we got on very well!) Sharon rang. Gonna organise getting to FOOT’S CUP Game on Wed. nite. YAY, YAY, YAY! [The Foot’s Cup was an inaugural, ‘unofficial’ rugby league game which I’d thought only involved Cairns High and Saint Augustine’s College, but my research (asking the question on Facebook!) seems to indicated that it may have also included Trinity Bay High, although no one seems certain. Suffice to say, it was a footy game between our school and some other one …and therefore a social event. In 1986 it was definitely against ‘Saints’ because I literally mentioned it; see Wednesday’s entry in this post ….Unless that wasn’t actually the Foot’s Cup?!]

Tuesday 28/7/87

Am bugared! Did no HW again, although I was more motivated tonite, than I ever have been since the start of this semester. [Quite an ironic position to be in, really… the ultimate in procrastination: motivation married with inaction] After school went & had my leg photographed, [unfortunately I don’t have these photographs. If they were actually in the case file I received after its conclusion, I must have (sadly) misplaced them] then off to look for Maths textbook. HOPELESS- none left anywhere in town. Will have to ring about a secondhand one. A Life in WordsFOOT’S CUP Game tomorrow night & I’m going to cheer-lead too! (Linda dropped out) FUN, FUN, FUN! [Ok so, cheerleading Cairns-style in the 80’s was nothing like your modern fanfare: in fact, it didn’t much resemble the cheerleading style we perceived from American movies and TV shows back in the day either. It was, shall we say, not terribly well organised and certainly nowhere near as physically complex or demanding…] Got on v. well with Mark today- it’s good now that I’m his friend, more. Esp. in biol… I sat with him while he talked to Duane, Alan, and them (something I wouldn’t’ve done before) [So timid around the male species. I’d had minimal association with them for most of my life, to date.] But I’m so (well not “so”) relaxed now. [Honesty!] Jo was away. [This indicates to me that we were starting to build a deeper friendship. While we definitely weren’t as close as I’d been with Monique, Jo and I had begun hanging out a bit and she was definitely becoming one of my ‘besties’.] Can’t wait for the formal. I’m so tired; is 9:45. Punish myself with late nights. MUST get a move on, concerning work. [yeah, yeah…] Weather’s warming up again. (POOPY!!) Freddie [my current chosen pseudonym for menstruation] finally. Good, but bad. Oh well.

Wednesday 29/7/87

SO tired. FOOT’S CUP was postponed till Friday night instead. But I went with mum to pick up Julia & Petra from the Smithfield Musical at the Civic Centre. So it’s 10:55 now. God, I’m stuffed. Need more sleep: got new bras this arvy : a strapless one which is useless under my dress→ it shows out the top – mum’s taking it [the dress, not the bra!] back to Mrs E to get elastic put in – it’s too loose around the top. Boring day. I hate school. Haven’t got Freddie. Don’t know what [is going on]! Mark hasn’t bought the formal tickets yet→ leaving it late! His mum Bought him a pair of black socks so he won’t need mine. The black gloves in Val Carnes aren’t there: this arvy I went in…she rang [another store, down] south & they said they’re short ones, after all that! So said I could borrow hers. Rang her tonite but she wasn’t home at all. Will have to ring early tomorrow. [I’ve now ascertained that she most likely didn’t really want to loan my her own pair, and to be honest I completely understand why – teenagers represents a certain degree of risk, especially in a ‘social’ context (read: partying). Would she see her gloves again and if so, in what condition would they return? It’s a valid assumption, yes?] Am getting excited! I’m gonna [CRASH] !! A Life in Words[←this was meant to be ‘boxed’ (see pic) It’s sometimes hard to recreate a few of my diary elements.]

Thursday 30/7/87

God, I’m a glutton for punishment! It’s 10:21. why do I have such late nights (& never do any HW?) Tomorrow will be fairly late, too. Wonder if I can sleep in tomorrow. Made my necklace today (tonight) is fairly good! [Haha, that’s right! I couldn’t afford to buy an actual diamonté (it was all the rage at the time) necklace, so created my own from some diamonté dress ‘trimming’…you can kind of see it in my formal photos below.] Got my gloves this arvy.. not Val Carne’s tho’ ..she couldn’t find hers [!! I’m sure!]-I bought a pair of elbowlength [no typo; it appears as one word in my diary] white ones from the bridal shop in Andrejek’s Arcade. [Apologies to the Andrejics family for my ‘phonetic’ spelling…] will have to dye them. Also, as we’d dropped my dress in, in the morning, we picked it up this arvy – has elasticised top now – stays up better. Love it! Am so excited! Mark hasn’t got tickets yet. Uh-oh! Were a bit untalkative today – barely saw each other at all. God I’m tired! Sports Day tomorrow. Ugh! Am starting to eat again ..craving chips, esp. A Life in WordsAlso chocolate & ice cream (fruit icecream though; those FRUITO’S) [I think I meant ‘Weis’ bars…] So now it’s 10:30. Forgot to make an appointment with Annette [my hairdresser] Shit. Bet she’s booked out. I’m Dead! […tired, I expect that is. Not ‘dead’ because I failed to make my hair appointment. I’m not that much of a drama queen…?]

Friday 31/7/87

I’m really excited now! The sports day wasn’t too bad.. I got burnt- but not painful. It should fade enough for tomorrow night: copped a bit for being strapless etc, [really?] but who gives a ? [atta girl!] My face is quite red-I’m hoping that will fix. Fairly clear skin. Have hair appoint. at 8:30 tomorrow (will go all morning, Annette said!) Tully just beat Bruce today. [Our school sports houses: I was in Bruce. Your ‘house’ was determined by the complex system of …alphabetising surnames.] Auntie Hilary’s here! [I now know why: my grandmother was starting to fall seriously ill – she had been moved from her retirement village unit to the nursing area and was pretty much bed-ridden. It’s strange how little awareness we have in our youth …or is it just self-absorption?] Mark’s got the tickets – he was just giving me shit! [ah yeah… no surprises there. Remember that stuff about whingeing in the past couple of weeks? You virtually asked for ]  So hot today – unbelievable! Briefly saw Nana after school (& then Annette) Got ready in a rush ; (after tonnes of phone calls) picked up Sharon & Justine. Felt very self-conscious about my leg [the visibility of my scar]→ wore leggings tucked up like bicycle shorts [Even though my scar was exposed every day at school, the conspicuousness of a cheerleading role would’ve made me more aware (fearful) of (greater numbers of) others observing (and therefore potentially scrutinising) it …or me.]→but had great fun although CHS lost. Mark left just before the end – said he’d ring. God tomorrow’s gonna be so busy! CAN’T WAIT! Definitely a Red letter day: wish Monique was here to share it. Is 10:15. So much for an early night. Hope I can get 10hrs anyway. Probly not. [Psssh!]

A Life in Words
…after the ‘failed’ professional hairdo…

Saturday 1/8/87

Woke early (angry!! Why can I never sleep in when I need to? SHIT!) Went to the hairdresser’s – washed hair …set in rollers & under the dryer for ages. It was REVOLTING when she’d finished. I faked a grin & left. At home I pulled it apart. YUK. [Yep, I definitely threw a tanty at home…] Did nothing in particular before starting to get ready (properly). I mean I dyed my gloves again (cause they only went dark grey) and things like that. Mark rang. Talked about nothing in particular I rang him. No one can come except Dad & Auntie Hilary to see me dressed. Nana’s too sick & Uncle Mike & Cynthia are in Brisbane. Oh well. [There’s a hint of exhibitionism…] It’s only 3:14. Next time I write’ll be tomorrow. Bye! (Wish me luck & a good time- I’m so excited!!!) [I didn’t actually leave a space in my diary, just followed straight on. This became an occasional habit, especially when I knew I’d be too late or tired to make the entry when I got home: writing an initial entry, in order to reduce the mental effort required to recount everything on the following day. I actually find myself doing this on an almost regular basis these days, simply to lessen my nighttime ‘duties’ …to get to sleep sooner!]

A Life in Words
Here’s the full outfit. So very… 80’s. There are no other words for it.

Well Hi. I’m so tired! Let’s see: Amanda came up shortly after I finished writing earlier, I assume]. I started getting ready around 4:15 -a lavender bath – everything planned. A slight rush towards the end ..with my hair & make-up; [beautiful blue eye shadow – blech!] Dad got photos. Mark came after 2 photos, saw Nana (she’s really not good at all) [We’d arranged to call into the nursing home so Nana could see me in my ‘glory’; to witness one of her grandchildren’s rites of passage. As I write this, I must admit sadly that as far as I can remember, this was the last lucid visit I had with her.] Mark was uncomfortable, I could tell. After photos at his place, picked up Steve & Sue & drove round for a while till 7:30. Inside, sat & drank 2 glasses horrible wine (on my empty stomach) and got happy. [See, now that would be an absolute impossibility these days: Liquor Licensing would have shut that venue down immediately for allowing even one drop of alcohol being within the reach of ‘minors’. There are incredibly huge penalties now for venues and even individuals (yes I believe that includes parents) caught supplying alcohol to the under-aged. I think on the night we were permitted one glass each and I might’ve ‘scored’ my second from someone who didn’t want theirs.] Walking round talking to people, having photos taken, even dancing. I was really happy (in all senses of the word) Phillip N gave me a compliment (not to me tho’ .. Fi overheard him say it→ I was so […next page…]

Sunday 2/8/87

excited. Steve & I went to the Pacific to find Mark & Sue, at one stage. Lotsa photos, talking, hugging, dancing (not any of the dances we learnt, did I do!! There weren’t enough opportunities to, anyway) Walked to Keith’s after.. Mr B took me, Sue, Cameron, Seigi & Nicole to the party after stopping at my place to pick up my gear. I changed at Jo’s & skulled 2½ cups of punch. Stood very happy talking, hugging, eyeing off Philip N & Mark. It was a letdown, really. [Privacy omission] The formal was by far the best part. The best time of my life. I’m not joking. Ended up leaving around 3:30→ slept at Keith’s – Nicole, me, him & Mark (←very drunk) [It’s interesting, considering my ‘issues’ with Nicole, that I hadn’t commented about this… I mustn’t’ve felt as threatened?] woke around 10:00 – but dozed till 11:30. Breakfast at 12:00. They took me home at 1:00, or so & I did nothing for the rest of the afternoon, Amanda came up & we all laughed heaps. Uncle Mike came for tea. It’s 8:50 Wanna get good sleep tonight. God it was EXCELLENT. Wish I could do it all over again. I got so many compliments- I felt pretty (esp. with a guy like Philip N noticing me!!) [It’s unfortunate that our positive self images often rely upon the opinions of others, isn’t it?] CANNOT WAIT for the photos to be developed. CANNOT WAIT! Only wish Moni had been there. [Naturally.] Then it would have been complete. (Cameron does too, I’m sure)

Rocky Relations, Ambulance Chasers & the Red Letter Day (20-26 July)

Monday 20/7/87

Why do I bother opening my mouth? It seems every word I utter is ridiculous, stupid & ends up hurting someone (Mark, of course) [With hindsight I can say this is ‘doubtful’] I woke this morning, after an O.K. sleep, to a practically pain-free throat, but it still felt wierd. [I consistently spell this word incorrectly. And I mean, all the time!] I stayed home; sleeping until about 11:30 (on & off) (I think I needed that) As the day progressed I felt better & better. After my  haircut (had trouble, still, talking to Annette; my voice is extremely nasally & feels “false) Beka rang, then Mark. And thats when it happened. I don’t really like some of the things he told me. They got me worried (but, strangely, I’m not, in a way) – he said he sometimes feels hatred for me [well that’s full on…] hatredGreat. No matter how angry or upset I am with him, I could never feel hatred. [Same goes for anyone or anything. Hatred is not in my vocab…] He said his feelings for me “might have” changed. What does that mean? [I think it’s pretty obvious] How could he not like me anymore?? [Remember when your parents split up?] I can’t accept this. It’s the same as last year – no matter how hard I try, I will not believe he doesn’t like me. [Denial] Not a good phone call at all, after all. He said we’d talk tomorrow. SHIT [and here we go again…] 9:20

Tuesday 21/7/87

I got to school late as possible today. But he came even later….near the end of double maths. And at the end of the lesson, you should’ve seen him up & out of that classroom, A Life in Wordsfast as a bullet It was quite obvious he didn’t wish to walk me to art. I spoke not a word during little lunch. In biol, near the end, I tried But finally he snapped, “I don’t feel like talking now – it’s got nothing to do with you.” Bullshit. That’s why he’s talking & mucking round with everyone else. It’s a bit obvious. Just a bit[Sarcasm …in case you hadn’t detected it] Jemima came to the Esplanade with me. I was quite upset to start with. I barely sorted anything out with her. [Meaning she couldn’t shed any light on the situation for you, make you feel any better? Not that that was her responsibility…] Back at school, I stuck with her & noticed (lo & behold) Nicole sitting right between him & Keith. Vengance? Perhaps? No, he’s not like that. I talked to Keith in art. He didn’t know a thing. Cameron said in chem. Glyn saw me crying. I denied it. Only more evidence that I’m a sook After school I went straight to the car. Waited all arvy for Keith to call. He said Mark didn’t/wouldn’t say anything when he’d asked him after school & when he rang [who? Keith or Mark?] he couldn’t talk for long- Mark not allowed on the phone. [That’s a tad confusing] God, it gets me right DOWN

Wednesday 22/7/87

Well, well, well. I got a little depressed. I talked to him a little; asking questions etc in biol. and I got ‘grunts’ for most answers. I cannot see how, if he has problems at home, he must ignore me. So we didn’t talk the rest of the day till tonite at dance practise. And even then, to start with, it was very forced – strictly “business” (not pleasure, understand?) Oh well .. we can waltz now! Our Pride of Erin is exceptional!! I was so confused -he wasn’t looking in my eyes- avoiding them, yet now & then he’d touch my hand, pat my face. After, I tried to talk, but it was pointless. He said we could tomorrow. He said his feelings for me have changed. [that’s twice now, Elissa] I asked how +ve or -ve & he said Both ways. Well, Jezus, if I’m not worried, and upset and depressed and .. CONFUSED. [No surprises there] He left said “Bye.” Seigi talking to me she said “Do you hate Nicole?” SKINT [“how embarrassing to be confronted”] “No,” I reckon “why?” “lotsa people think you do” “who” “my friends, Nicole even.” Well, I went on about “well I am a bit pissed off with her sucking up to Mark” etc. Got out of that O.K. A Life in Words[Sounds like I was being dishonest, but I actually wasn’t: I didn’t hate her (I can’t ‘hate’ anybody) …I was just highly insecure… and whenever she gained his attention (whether or not she sought it intentionally – and I had obviously decided it was…) I was just plain old jealous. And it’s quite common for the jealous (fearful) to react negatively to their stimuli!] Spent sports arvy at Fi’s shop again. My cold/flu whatever it is, is O.K. I’m congested (mucus) and there’s a cough “on the rise”. I’m tired. NERVOUS- tomorrow!! MARK, THIS HAS TO BE THE LAST (for a long time, anyway) […last what? Argument? Talk? Ultimatum? Decision? Scare? I think I deliberately left the ball in his court: if there was to be a break up, I was not going to be ‘the bad guy’…]

Thursday 23/7/87

My voice kind of disintegrated today ..after all that talking & “squealing” at last night’s dance practise. It was really funny (my attempts at laughing.. ha ha!) Wonder if it’ll be the same tomorrow? Well, Mark & I talked a little today. Not much at all, but more than ever so far, this week. At the end of big lunch, he even joked with me! (& Fiona etc….of course) So I was quite happy. But things are still… “tense” (shall we say?) I think. A Life in WordsWe need to have a talk, ’cause nothing’s been sorted out, really. He’s paying for our formal tickets ($20 ea) + after formal party tickets ($5) so I pay for the limosine ($30) That’s pretty fair good! Went to the solicitor this arvy→ my summons [for the bus crash inquest] will be awhile, coming, yet.(cause my medical report is extensive) Everyone else, nearly, seems to have theirs now. Steve S [solicitor] reckons (told mum after I’d left the office) that I could claim $100 000!! [this is with regard to third party compensation from the bus accident] (He said he’d be very surprised if I got less than $40 000!! WOW!!!!) I’m not supposed to tell anyone. [I’m going to be a negative spoiler right now and reveal that that was WAY off the mark …and I now believe it was simply a carrot dangled in front of my mother, to secure her (our) representation ….by a law firm with a reputation for being ‘ambulance-chasers’…] Jesus, I hope Mark & I can sort things out soon very soon. I had my last dress fitting today. picking it up tomorrow. It’s beautiful. 10:45 Late nite must get more sleep

Friday 24/7/87

It got to me today; Mark’s mood. I really can’t understand what’s wrong & he won’t talk to me; I’d hoped we could do something tonight so I could talk to him, but his whole weekend, it seems, is conveniently set up already. A Life in WordsIt hurts so much. I really felt like balling my eyes out this afternoon. I’m SURE something’s up; he’s bored with me – falling “out of love”. [He has twice said this week that his feelings have changed. That’s pretty clear… But I know you were waiting to hear the exact words from him …your tenacity translating to stubbornness…] Am worried about something he’d said at lunchtime to Cameron (a joke or not?) about some “surprise”  after or at the formal – something I won’t like. I rang Cameron tonight. He said all Mark’s said to him is he’s pissed off with my whingeing [….about? Wanting to talk and obtain a resolution?] FAIR ENOUGH. I haven’t exactly been very tactful. SO GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE, WILL YOU? [A second chance at what? I’m confused with my own train of thought here…] God, I love you SO MUCH. I don’t think you really know how much – & you aren’t “free” to let me tell you. [Telling someone how much you love them won’t make them love you more. Ever heard of ‘unrequited love’?] I went to town with mum & jules after school – get stockings & my dress!!! Saw Fi; she said Keith & Mark are in town tonight. That’s nice. [Not Happy Jan!] I’m going to town with Cameron tomorrow – helping him look for things for the formal (something for me to do – Mark won’t call me or anything) I’ll want to call Keith tomorrow sometime- talk to him. [Trying to get blood from a stone?] A Life in WordsGot my report card today: got 46% chem- unbelievable!! [unbelievably good or bad?] Also got my summons!! !! ALL WE EVER TALK ABOUT NOW IS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FORMAL That’s all.

Saturday 25/7/87

Town with Cameron was O.K. Mark & Keith were in there too (Cameron saw them before meeting me) We never ran into them. We did see Glyn & Sue B tho’. Walked alot. Having lunch, we had a short but serious talk about love, mainly. He thinks Moni would’ve been perfect for him. Too late, Cameron. [Monique had been interested him towards the end of Year 11 but he didn’t reciprocate her feelings (see Thursday’s entry in this post for the revelation) I wonder if his change of heart was authentic or simply borne of Regret, following her death?]  Told me also that Mark was sick of my whingeing. So that’s it. Well, I missed the bus so rang Mum (Sharon got a lift to the hockey fields) [Random! Where did Sharon fit into the picture?] Keith called at home. Invited me over for the night (his parents were away) Tried to get Fi too, but wasn’t home. I got there around 2:00 & got onto Fi soon after- she had to babysit. We went into the boardroom & played Triv. Pursuit. Then polka. [I think that’s meant to be Poker] Stupid “singing dare” game. I refused to take part in…got upset → the guys eventually gave up (I thought they never would.) After dinner, walked to Drive In Bottle shop → 1 bottle rum. Not enough Coke at home → the mixture was ∴ [symbol for ‘therefore’] very potent. The video was sick, so in the boardroom we played a “Truth” game. Soon we just talked, without the game part (honestly talking honestly) Found out some interesting things – Mark said he could marry Angie M, Fiona & me; Keith

Sunday 26/7/87

→ said Angie M. me & Tricia. Heaps of other things. I kept drinking → thought the alcohol effect would wear off too quickly. [Uh oh…] I really overdid it this time (the 1st time) I remember crying (the conversation was about Monique) – Keith left the room – Mark took me & put me in the shower 5 mins after – I spewed YUKKY. Out of there, I (dunno what I did) then into the toilet YUKKY! Cleaned my teeth .. Mark & I talked (I bombed out → Mark & Keith said-they did heaps in that time)before) after: lotsa things. [?!?] Um. We got to sleep around 2:00 – woke 5:30. A Life in WordsRED LETTER: no more the virgin mary. (not completely – no climax cos’ no contraception) up at 8:30- I went & watched baseball (they lost) Home→ dropped off stuff. Short time at Keith’s before Mark & I went to dance practise – for about ½hr. Drove me home & I did NOTHING. Should’ve slept- am so tired now – need it like anything. Eyes are dead. Well, I’m sure I won’t get that drunk ever again (not vomitting, anyway.) [Hahahahaha ….hahahahaha…. so, SO hilarious! I do not need to convince anyone that I was just a TAD deluded there…] overcast weather cool day. Haven’t even started Smithfield formal dress. [Spending well over $200 on my Cairns High formal outfit meant the other formal dress had to be a home-made job. Just as well my mum was pretty good on the machine …even though she didn’t think so, herself.] NO HW done this weekend. SHIT

Performance Anxiety, Rum ‘n’ Coke & A Sore Bum (22-28 June)

Monday 22/6/87

Had sad dream about Monique last night -we were at the camp, ready to go home & I knew the crash was going to happen. I tried telling Monique she was going to die. Sharon & Julia (??!!) balling their eyes out (me too).A Life in Words [I think my bracketed punctuation refers to puzzlement about these two characters in the ‘geography’ of this dream… since neither of them attended the camp…] Monique did understand or believe what I was trying to say. […which could be a subconscious expression of my belief or ‘acceptance’ that it was ‘Her Time’ to ‘leave’?] God, it’s not fair. I got 66% for board art this semester. That’s all I need. Isn’t it bad enough I’m getting a very limited ach. for chem, a limited for maths.?? Now a ‘sound’ for Art – & I’m a fuckin’ CAD student. [For those who aren’t aware, CAD (Centre for Artistic Development) was (and still is) a ‘School of Excellence’ Fine Arts programme that commenced at Cairns High in 1986 …to which I applied at the recommendation of my previous high school art teacher and was accepted. It was the primary reason for my move to CHS. We did fourteen (40 minute) ‘periods’ per week, as opposed to the five per week for standard subjects so, with the dedication and prestige one could attribute to this, it’s understandable why I felt extremely disappointed in myself for failing to ‘excel’…] Today I dressed & spent the whole day in the dark room. Did about 20 prints altogether. Now have to choose which ones to hand in. Was O.K. myself. Ange & Michelle & Nev were in & out (+ their visitors) mum took me home. I rang Mark at 5:00. I rang Keith at 5:05 to ask if he’d take us to the drive in. [Wow, that’s kind of …rude. At least, I’m sure that mum would not have approved of that ‘impertinence’…] Mark didn’t ring me back, so I rang him at 6:00. A Life in WordsThey picked me up around 6:30. I had the distinct feeling all night that Mark was dis-interested in me. I have a horrible feeling deep inside [gut feeling?] that he wants to end it – that he doesn’t love me. I don’t know why – it’s just there & it frightens/sickens me. [Super strong gut feeling?] Saw Burglar with Club Paradise. Both funny! They came to our place & stayed till 12:30. Even though we kissed & mucked around normally, I have this horrible, horrible feeling there’s something wrong.

Tuesday 23/6/87

Well – a boring day at home. (Beautiful sunny weather!) I did a little study, but not enough. I spent most of the day worrying/working out my T.E. score – what I could possibly get. [For younger readers, the T.E. (“Tertiary Entrance”) score was our equivalent to your O.P. (“Overall Position”) …all University entrance determinants. The silly thing is, trying to ‘calculate’ it really is a waste of time…] I need to pull myself right up: 90% for eng. biol & art, and 60% at least for chem. & maths. Shit. I am in trouble & it’s hitting me now. So what chem I did do, I haven’t really learnt. And I’m so tired. It’s 9:45 now – if I study I’ll be up all night – dead for tomorrow. And I have to catch the bus; mum had a crash this arvy. Ran into the back of a QRX truck (her fault). A Life in WordsWhen I rang Mark tonite, he said he saw it. Terrible!! Rang Mima – they’re not sure if they’re [she & Fiona I’m guessing, are] going [to school]– but they think so. I frigging hope so. they’d better! I need to get a lift with them! Ow pain. [Pain? Why? ….random comment…] Well, guess I’d better get to & study a bit. Can’t wait for the holidays – free time! (Crash scrapbook to get finished + can try & sew for practise for next semester in art. Can’t wait!! I ♥ HOLIDAYS!) Woke up depressed (crying) about my art. Can’t believe it. 66% & I’m a CAD student. It’s terrible. Surely Ms Marsland would take it into account. It’s not fair

Wednesday 24/6/87

Yay, yay, yay! Exams are OVER! (But I’ll still have to get up early tomorrow, to do my school art folio – to be handed in before 9:00 tomorrow morning – DEEP SHIT!) I stayed up till 1:00 last night studying – knew I wouldn’t sleep if I didn’t try. Woke & had to catch the bus.. chem theory I failed, for sure, but (I’d expected it, anyway) I don’t think I failed absolutely miserably! Big long lunch hour .. then prac. exam. Was easy- did everything fine!! Went to town after school (mum’s got Mike’s – cousin – car (ute) to use – isn’t that nice of him?!) with mima, pol, fi, jude & peter (McM.) Caught bus home … got ready for dance around 7:30. Got there 8:00. Empty (practically) But it filled a little. By 9:00, I knew Mark was not just drinking (with Steve) .. they were at Michelle & Angie’s housewarming party. When they came . . he was only grumpy anyway cos he was so sick (drunk). Keith took him home (I went too) A Life in Words[This is a tad confusing because in just a few lines ahead I mention getting a lift home with someone else?] Otherwise, raged dancing! Had a ball. (Geoffry M is so yummy!!!) Waited till 11:50- Martin was drunk & we had an “adventurous” trip home. Well, its 12:25 – I’ll have to wake & rush to get my art done.

Thursday 25/6/87

Well, Mark came for biology & that was it. And in biol. he was punching or just “bashing” me. I took it as a joke, of course – I have to take everything as a joke now. [Really?] Left without saying bye. I’m sure he’s not interested in me anymore. It’s just like [privacy omission] last year- he was “keen” for so many days & then the slackening off Well, I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I just have this horrible feeling. Something is WRONG. Nobody was at school (practically) I got 70% for biol, 43% maths, 78% art & (believe it or not) 80% for english (WOW!). [English turns out to be my best subject…] In art Ms. Marsland told me the teachers reconsidered & took into account my state of health (mentally & physically) & took me up 12% Great that’s fine. I need 90% next sem to get VHA overall for art. Cleaning room up in art. Bludge of a bore of a day. Got some material this arvy & made some black shorts (almost totally by myself!!) Also got vinyl for a satchel to make! Rang Fi, Cameron & Mark & Mima. Not going horse riding tomorrow now – mima can’t. Fi’s ringing me in the morning to see what we’ll do. Cameron told me they’re gonna try to play golf – if not; watch videos at Steven’s as they did today. 10:45. Another late nite

Friday 26/6/87

Woke 7:15 (shit! Had wanted to sleep in longer!) Rang Fi around 8:45. She said we couldn’t go with Jason. We went to town around 11:30 (Fi drove in – really good!) We opened an account for Martin, [um… how is it possible to open what I’m assuming is a bank account for another person? Oh the things you used to be able to do, back in the day!] then looked at clothes, shoes (all the normal stuff). Finally got a seat at Sidney’s Cafe – yummy lunch. Saw quite a few people (plenty!) that weren’t at school! (Glyn & his girlfriend Lisa, for eg.) Caught the 4:00 bus home. Rang Mark ..no, he rang me, around 6:30 (Mima came during it; see if I wanted to go to the Eisteddfod)(←no!)(←I didn’t go!) I kinda talked about my “neglected” feeling & we were talking. He sounded bored. I have no room- I’d like to write what I can remember he said. But anyway, he & Keith came & after a stay for a while, we went to drive in bottle shop (liquor barn) one bottle rum-5 litres coke . . to Keith’s brother’s place to video shop then back there. I got happy v. quickly – the “happiest” I’ve ever gotten before. A Life in WordsNear drunk, I’d say [LOL Liss, deluded! You were drunk!] But mate it was good! Watching videos-leaning back ..looking up at Mark. God it was great! Then after watching a bit of Rage after.. (4 good songs, believe it or not!) Keith’s brother & his girlfriend drove us to Keith’s .. his parents were away ..Mark & I had their bed. We did a fair bit of  talking (till about 3:30→)

Saturday 27/6/87

listening to 4CCR. Kissing as well. [still not what y’all think….!] But we talked a fair bit, about quite a lot . . he did get with Nicole – “just one kiss”. I didn’t get angry – I’m too soft. I should’ve. How could he? He said a lot about me going to be his wife – he’s never going to let me go. Somehow I don’t think he would stop me from leaving. Anyway, I woke around 7:00 – went to the loo (in the mirror I saw >gasp< a big hickie – to the right of my neck this time, but still big!) Mark woke around 10:30 (I’d gone back to sleep, too) We kissed >etc< [haha, STILL not what you’re thinking….!!] till about 12:30. He told me, when I asked if her remembered everything we talked about, “yes” and that he meant it. (He said “I mean it” twice – for me to get the picture). Anyway after breakfast (for lunch) they took me home. Had to go & see Nana. Back at home I rang mima… I got ready & rang Mark quickly .. Steve, Keith & Cameron were going to is place A Life in Words“BOYS NIGHT”. At Fi’s, I did my hair & we went to get 2 videos before running to the Odeon. Lethal Weapon was excellent (dramatic; suspense!) After walked around – to get money for tomorrow ..saw & talked to people ..then saw Keith & Mark & Steven & Cameron in Keith’s car …talked briefly CUTIE! Got to Fi’s by taxi .. too tired to watch the videos. . so cool, slept well. Cold, indeed!

Sunday 28/6/87

Woke around 8:30.. we watched one of the videos went to mima’s, then my place. Fi drove us to Palm Cove (around 11:00-11:30) We baked for only a short time, before pigging out at the shop. then we dressed & waited for Brent – he’d been there 10 mins & we hadn’t known! Went to the horse-place (!!!) I got a gentle, but stubborn horse. The ride was good! (¾hr long) OW! My bum is so sore! [I wouldn’t say I’m passionate about horse riding, but it’s an activity I would happily do again… even though I know I’d need up just as sore (if not more!) than I was after this…] We ate at a shop near Clifton, then dropped in  at Trinity Beach . . saw Mark, Keith & Jason (Mark & Jason only, really) play [baseball] ..God, Mark pitches a mean ball! A Life in WordsI’d hate to be the target of one of those! He didn’t talk to me much.. Keith & Jas. did. (He was just so caught up in the game, I guess.) We left (I didn’t get to say goodbye) Wasted the 2 hours till 6:00 Then had dinner, shower & rang Mark – tried to make it an interesting phone call, after what he’d said Friday nite (“that 1st phone call was so exciting.. now they seem routine- boring”) something like that Warm, but cool in shade day/ Getting cooler slowly & slowly..!! IS 9:55.. should’ve had an earlier night. Work (boring) tomorrow. YUKKY.