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The Bath Breakdown & A Thunderstorm Shock (2-8 March)

Published on March 2, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 2/3/87

I AM HOME. It’s not quite as different as I thought it’d be. . . [a great example of the Mind’s potential to create “a mountain out of a molehill”…] but I don’t think I’ve had enough time to think about things etc. I was ‘lucky’ (in a way) to be allowed to come home- I’m not allowed to go anywhere.. I can walk on the crutches for 1 hour per day – the other 23 I have to spend with my leg “up”, relaxing. Great, huh?! Mark didn’t ring – I thought perhaps he might .. But, no. My leg gets funny feelings through it – some painful, some not. I had a shower this arvy (at hospital) – Went home around 3:15 – got home 3:30. Lots of visitors – Fishers, Mandy, mima & family & fi. Oh, now to sleep. I wish I’d seen or heard from Mark- I hope I get some mail from him or something… a letter I’d really like. Oh well. Next monday 1:30→ take off dressing! Until then – boredom at home (?!???!!) Rather ‘doubted’ leaving this morning but Kerri [the social worker whom I had adopted as my counsellor] “helped” me change my mind. Brewers gave us their video & TV. UNREAL!!

Tuesday 3/3/87

In the shower tonight – I really cried. I think that was my “breakdown” or, maybe the start of it. [I’m a tad confused: I vividly remember suffering a breakdown (a crying ‘tantrum’) but my memory places me in the bath – not the shower – looking down at, and bawling over, my ugly, deformed, scarred thigh (and all the death wishes that went with it)… but I just mentioned that my dressing wasn’t being removed (by the hospital doctor/s) for another week yet. Hmmm. Strange.] Boring-ish day. Spent my morning hours (alone- mum at work) doing thank-you letters. [It was an etiquette our mother – via our grandmother – had instilled in us] When mum came home, we watched Norman Gunston tapes (on video) – Brewers gave their video to us, with a TV!! Julia came home & the Brewers- Mrs B. Polly & mima and fi came over. Watched Zapped on video. TV watching tonight. Toilet’s easy to go to Mrs McI also came over- Donald [her son] is so tall & skinny (& cute!) [Just to clarify, he was a child so this ‘cute’ definitely did not relate to physical attraction…] No letter, phone call (let alone a visit) from Mark. Hope he does get in (some form of) contact must go to the loo again. Rather warm day, rain & thunderstorm tonight. More visitors (& boring hrs) tomorrow? . . . Who knows. Slept alright last night. . hope so again 2nite.

Wednesday 4/3/87

Got a little upset in the shower again tonight but nowhere (I think) near as bad as last night. Delanie rang!! [Privacy omission] Short talk – she said she’d ring back in a couple of weeks (when I’m able to walk, I gather)→ when I’m back at school. Got a (monstrous) letter from Tania & (small one) Mrs M. Wrote to Tania 10 pages! Watched “Lampoon’s VACATION” on video today & “YOUNG ONES” & “D Generation”. Big sore zit near my right eye. Jacque also rang – big thunder storm – had to hang up – I saw a spark & heard a “pop” on the line. [That gave me a bit of a fright… our parents had warned us about using the phone during thunderstorms: the danger of receiving an electric shock. Turns out it’s definitely not an Old Wives Tale either: the Mythbusters have tested it (see here) so I guess I was “very lucky” this time…] Oh, wish Mark’d call … or come over. (at least write a letter) Missing him already. Damn it. Hope I can save heaps of money (or win the lotto) so I can go to USA with Mark next year (if he wants me to) – HOPE SO! HOT!

Thursday 5/3/87

Mark rang this arvy – we had a long phone call .. about 1½-2hrs (??) at least (??) NO! about 1 hr at the least. And it started off usual ‘bickering’ but then a kind of “arguement” or disagreement – all about my trusting him & mainly, my ‘attitudes’. [Doesn’t it take two to Tango?] But it ended not so bad. Also, Crabbe rang. Good old talk to him Too (Fi came over this arvy – stayed for quite awhile) Delanie’s coming over Saturday, but so’s Mark. Oh! Boring day today. Watched music video. I missed the Last Starfighter cos’ I was talking to Mark. Another big thunderstorm. Mum was worried – see yesterday, on the phone to Jacque during a storm, I heard a “pop” on the line & it scared me to death- you’re not s’posed to be on the phone during a storm – could get electrocuted – [Uh-huh. So why did you repeat the experiment? I clearly wasn’t frightened enough by yesterday’s experience?] But it was alright – storm went away quickly. I do trust him now. I believe everything he tells me- it’s the truth. [Right. That sounds suspiciously like someone trying to convince herself…] I weighed myself. GUESS WHAT? 55KG WOW! I’m 55kg! shower wasn’t so bad 2nite. talked to Mark about the crash also. He doesn’t really like talking about it.

Friday 6/3/87

Fi came down again this arvy. I also saw Sandra H. I’m busting to go to the loo now! Guess what? Ngaire R is having a party tomorrow night & it seems everybody’s going. NOT FAIR. Couldn’t they put it off one week? [Sure, JUST for YOU… I so hated “missing out” on things…] Not fair. (Still, I guess I’d look funny turning up to a party on crutches.) [People have turned up to parties looking a lot worse, I’m sure…] Did “nothing” again today (Mrs McI came down- got my [Speech & Drama] certificate – grade 5) besides watch 2 videos. In the morning, I read memorial programmes and had a little crying session over Monique. I even had a little talk to her. I feel guilty that I only think about Monique. [Compassionate to a fault? Am I really beating myself up for loving and missing one soul more than the other seven I didn’t have as strong a connection with? Apart from being too hard on myself it also demonstrates – on the upside – how ‘evenly’ I value all life…] She’s the one I ‘miss’ the most – the only one I think of & really cry over. [I think it’s excusable, Liss] I thought Mrs McI was her mum, this morning (similar car) Had a heart attack! Watched TV movie. Silly. No thunderstorm today. Fi said Mark said he’s playing golf with the other guys 2morrow & coming over sunday instead. No phone call from Mark. Fi said he said he doesn’t know if he’ll go to the party- but thinks yes maybe. Wonder if he will – if so, what he’ll do?

Saturday 7/3/87

Boring! Nah! Justine F & Mr Paddy & Lainie & Leah (& Deborah & Mrs C. later) and Michael B & Amanda (staying the night) & mima & Mrs B. & Dad & Jenny. That’s about it (cherie for a few minutes, too!) for today. (I heard Mark got 4th (out of 4 people) in golf today! Cameron 1st, Glyn 2nd, Steven 3rd & him last!) Wonder if he’s at Ngairie’s party – it’s gonna be so BIG. BITCH that I can’t go. Bloody pain in the tit. [..as opposed to arse. I think ‘tit’ was my mum’s preferred word because it wasn’t as ‘crass’.] I think there’s some ‘discharge’ where the skin was taken from – it’s “weeping”. We rang hospital – said no worries – Dad’n’Jenny said not to worry too. Oh dear. Wasn’t noticeably too hot today. Bloody mozzies. Watched Zapped, Last Starfighter – Young Ones tape (½) & ½ of Singing in the Rain. Also, Robinsons gave us their VHS so we went (well, mum jules & Amanda went) & got out SPIES LIKE US. God, it’s good! One & ½ more days to go!! Yay!!

Sunday 8/3/87

Mark came around 2:30 and (I didn’t think he was coming) left around 5:45. I think he was bored lots of the time – he did go to the party – left at 1:30, went home. The ambulance man came this arvy, while he was here & we were talking about our position on the bus- I know where we ended up now. [Partly helping to clear up the confusion I experienced while pinned under the bus, looking out a hole in the ‘undercarriage’ wondering how the trees I could see were still standing. I was completely disoriented. If you (somehow) missed it, this link will take you back to the full horrific tale on 4 February.] Mrs Strooper came this morning – talked pretty well! [This was the second time Erica’s mother had visited me; the first was while I was in hospital, and it hadn’t been a joyful meeting (possibly why I didn’t record it in my diary). She was naturally very distressed, her grief was so fresh; she needed answers. All I remember was her asking me lots of questions that started with “why?” …but they were unanswerable. Like, “why did Erica get on that bus?” Understandably, the encounter was very uncomfortable: apart from the natural compassion for her incredible suffering, I felt useless and depressed by my inability to answer her: I was too young and inexperienced to know that I wasn’t ‘responsible’ ..to supply the answers, that is.] (She gave me about 5 photos – most of myself – a ‘big’ one of Monique & Erica (really beautiful) & a beautiful (although blurred) photo of the 5 of us. Really nice. Mark was being rather (concealed) nice ‘fore he left… still no kiss. I think we both feel ‘afraid’ again. I dunno. Watched videos all day. Boring for Mark, I’m sure. I felt terrible (even when the ambulance man was here, talking ’bout the crash) Cameron & Glyn came in for a few secs before mark left. No conversation really. A little hot 2day Slept terribly last night – so restless. Hope it’s better tonight. Hospital tomorrow!!!

A Life in Words — This was the large photo of Monique & Erica that Erica’s mother gave to me. Such beautiful girls xx

Holiday Hangs with the Hombres (1-7 December)

Published on December 1, 2014 by Elissa Coxen2 Comments

Monday 1/12/86

Slept like a baby last night. [Here I revert to recording how the rest of my Sunday – the previous day – was spent. Because I had so heavily encroached upon Sunday’s allotted page in the description of what happened at Saturday night’s party (& how I felt about it) there was very little space left for Sunday’s entry.] Mum took moni home, [I am assuming from the exhibition set-up] I grabbed my gear [from her place] and did nothing at home. Cried when I heard “Emotion in Motion” [an obscure single by Ric Ocasek, the lead singer of the band The Cars. Have a listen if you like…] on Take 40. Really sad.

[Back to Monday, the current day:] Today I rushed so much. Went round with mum – got dress (satin-black) material. [My mum made my dress (pictured) that day. In one day. She really could sew, but didn’t believe enough in herself Hmm, wonder who took after her? Or “learnt by example”?] At school of arts, helped set up – went off now & then for “window shopping” – gonna buy these $53 togs in Sportsgirl – gorgeous white with blue stars. Mark snubbed me again (I was really wondering) then fussed around town (Monique & Trina caught their bus – I browsed round till mine came) Rushed at home; so many phonecalls!! Got to exhibition around 7:15. Mark looked really nice! Mum talked to him – Sharon’s fault. [Fault? Not the best choice of words.. I’m fairly sure she was trying to do you a favour] I talked a little to begin with, more after (Esp. after!) Mrs B bought my fat ladies … auntie Ruth’s gonna buy my diptych! That’s $135! After, Sharon, Megan & I (and M & Keith) wanted to go out. I told mum backpacker’s. [“Backpacker’s” was originally a cheap ‘restaurant’ for …backpackers (tourists) but its popularity led to an extended bar license and eventually a nightclub, in the additional downstairs area. It was a popular nightlife venue for many years. My mum allowed me to go out underage, based on a system of Trust: she said she would rather know where I was than have me lie to her. The condition was I always had to tell her where I was and contact her if anything was going to change. So I respected her by staying put at Backpacker’s that night.] .Sharon & Mege. disappeared to Subwayrock. M. & K & me sat in backpackers talking. He loves Lady in Red [by Chris DeBurgh. It became one of my favourites after this night. It’s obvious why, no?] – was sitting so I talked to K. after he was looking at me. Sharon’s going to beach with him & K. tomorrow & crystals on Wed. Nice, huh? [Jealousy] And I paid for practically all the taxi fare home. [Outrageous!] It’s 12:30. Something K. said in backpackers made me wonder again tho’. “When he’s drunk or bored he talks crap – spins shit.” gave an example at one party “”I can see your soul in the moon…”” sounds bloody familiar to me [!!] & I told him. But he said nothing. I don’t think he heard (or pretended not to.) Nite

Tuesday 2/12/86

I’m tired, now. Today, I rang monique to ask about time we go in to look after exhibition sales [all of the CAD kids were ‘rostered’ to caretake the exhibition and manage sales of the works over the period of showing, being school holidays now’n’all…] – she asked me in for a swim. At 11:00 mum dropped me there. After a swim & lunch we went. Cameron, Chris, Glyn and Alan B were there for a little while – Heather & Marj, for longer. Otherwise, we sat from 1:00 to 4:30 – doing nothing. So BORING! But I got my togs! I LOVE THEM! Sharon rang when Mrs P dropped me home (we saw M. coming out of Trobruk Pool) (I was going to ring her [Sharon, that is] anyway) They did go to the beach. Keith, her & Mark. And ‘anyway’ … she asked me if I’d like to go to Crystals tomorrow Mark is inviting the guys – Sharon, the girls. But there’s been no info given tonight, on how we’re getting there etc. oh well. G night!!

Wednesday 3/12/86

After lotsa phone calls, a big panic (or 2), Terry picked me up. There was Mark, Keith, Terry, Glynn, Cameron, Chris & Monique. I didn’t talk to Mark at Crystals, at all. We left early – before lunch cos Terry had to work & we (7) couldn’t fit with Brent, mima, Fi in Brent’s suzuki hatch (they had to work too, anyway) Terry dropped us at Freshy Creek. We bought ‘food’, then monique rang her mum [to collect us?] .. mandy & bill were ‘hailed down’ by Cameron. We piled in – they dropped us near Mark’s place. The guys rode – we ‘sneaked’ bikes off them. At monique’s we swam & mucked around. Glynn left for work, we played badminton Keith left. Chris, Mark, Cameron, Monique & I played more badminton (when M. & I played Mon. & Chris, we flogged ’em! – talked quite a bit – miscellaneous) In the pool, when mum came. I went home, packed, and went to dinner at Aunty Ruth & Nancy’s [my grandmother’s sisters, so actually my great-aunts] – leaving tomorrow. mum drank (all did) so I was late. [I wonder: late because mum drank and didn’t want to leave? Or because she drank, she had to wait to drive? In those days it was hard to tell; drink driving wasn’t quite the huge public concern it is now…] I rang monique’s – I’d forgotten to tell her the guys were coming over for videos – she had none. Mark talked to me! (moni told me he wanted to; asked “can I talk to her?”) I embarrassed them. [So he only wanted to speak to me to scold me?] Anyway finally dragged mum out … [she was] shitty with me [of course: being a spoilt, nagging little brat!]→ [another crossover to the next day…]

Thursday 4/12/86

Mark had ridden home & gotten videos from his house. It was a good night – [the boys] stayed till 2:30 Ate & mucked around – mark was begin nice but a little rough – but I know he didn’t really mean anything. (??) It was good. Slept at 3:00 – woke 11:00. Camille made us brekky – big! (Full!) we lazed in front of T.V. the rest of the day! lazy, lazy, lazy! At about 430, Cameron rang, from Mark’s. They talks to us for ages – monique talked lots; I listened to the music. I’m hopeless on the phone! (monique’s gotten over her phone phobia, I’m sure! She was on it the longest) I was bored – I wish we had 2 [phone] extensions (her, I mean) then we could’ve both been in on what was said. ‘Apparently’, a bit of bad was said about me – none about moni! Anyway, I stayed at monique’s again. Mr. & Mrs P. were out at Innisfail for the night. We got out Real Genius video. Pity we didn’t ring the guys [You sneaky little thing – I know what you were thinking! No parents = ?!?!?] They probably wouldn’t’ve believed us if we said we were having another video night! Got to bed about 11:00 (sleep) overcast day again.

Friday 5/12/86

Today was overcast, too (for most of the day) I woke around 8:30; Camille’s boyfriend Lyndon was at the door – Louis [their dog] barking at him. Monique in the shower. We did ‘nothing’ till about 10:00, when we watched Real Genius again – great movie – god, Val Kilmer’s gorgeous! (So’s Tom Cruise, of course; [yeah, back in the day he wasn’t a Scientology loony etc, so was much more attractive] then again, Mark W comes close tie!) Lyndon dropped Monique & I in town (spotted Mark & them in Tuck High (I mean, High Tuck shop) after searching for material, we walked to school to get our reports But CAD kids’ are getting sent home next week, apparently. We started walking home; Mrs P. drove by & picked us up. At monique’s, helped clean up room, then had a dip in the pool. Monique’s at my place now. We rang Cameron (Mark was there; great!) talked for awhile (monique the most, still!!) Mark is so nice! His voice is so beautiful! They want us to ring ’em back tomorrow! Ace! Sharon’s [birthday] party…!! too! Will probly be another late night tonight.

Saturday 6/12/86

Woke early. But rang the guys back around ?? 10:30. Blabbed [Aussie slang for ‘talking’ in this case, otherwise it means ‘telling on’ or ‘snitching’] for yonks. After we hung up, a phone call from Sharon informed us the party wasn’t on. To cut a long story short, there were lots of phone calls. Finally, we decided Mark, Cam. me & monique would have a ‘video’ night at her place instead of going to the party (which was on, again) or to Cameron’s [??] & for me, Sharon’s BBQ [Monique not invited? I think that was the case]..Went to Perrems about 5:30. Was excited! However, mima called from Sharon’s wanting to know why ‘we’ weren’t there. we said “no transport” “Come with Mark & Terry” [“What?” I’d’ve been thinking…] Rang Mark – he said he was still coming.. Lied so much to sharon Am never gonna do that again. [And I’m not really a great liar anyway. I’m “too honest”.] Anyway, we made the food, the guys came. We started to watch one vid. Mark listened to music. It was like that most of the night; Mark listening to music no matter what we did. Once I looked in the pool – Chris & Glynn were in there. Monique got upset that they ‘gate-crashed’ [a bit miffed about being excluded from the ‘foursome’?] – they went but she rang them back [she’s all heart] (at→ [crossover to Sunday’s page…]

Sunday 7/12/86

Cameron’s) & asked them to come over. Keith also came. they finally left – the Perrems came home. Drank coffee & we mucked round. Finally all went to bed ..Mark wouldn’t give me my pillow. fighting… Mon. got me one – then no room on the lounge – I got my mattress from her room. Mark squished me. . we ‘tickled’ each other while m. & c. slept on couch – for ages – ears, nose, eyebrows, neck, feet and (not much but shit when it was) ribs/waist. See, the thing was, most of it was quite gentle. And we were so close… faces sometimes about 2cm apart!! But “nothing” happened. [No kissing, I would’ve meant..] Still, I don’t mind …it was still very nice!! Woke early – mark got me in the ribs, before ‘rolling over’ Cameron got “hyper” and everyone soon woke. Spent the day in much the same fashion as night, except Mark wasn’t alone so much (at all) we listened to music, swam, ate & even had a trip to the shop – saw elisia – told her they slept over – MISTAKE [see? I’m not ”strategic’ enough to be a great liar!] .. Mrs P. said Brewers & Ennises were altogether at Palm Cove… What if she told mima? Anyway they left 2:30, we slept mum picked me up. Rang Sharon. a little sticky situation – not much. watched “Coolangatta Gold”. What will I do tomorrow, or; all this week? Nothing is planned.

A Failed Exam, a Grease Preview & THE Photo Again (11-17 August)

Published on August 11, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 11/8/86

Today was a better day than I thought it would be. See, Mark was away… but in double chemistry (everyone else, it seems, was too – on the musical camp) Mr Lavers was away so I wrote a 12 page letter to Lucy all about Mark!! Then, thru triple art & little lunch, we watched a video – had to do sketches from it. But BIG LUNCH was the BEST PART!! We went in the dark room and soon Mr Short came. He developed (at my request) 2 photos of Mark & me from the dance!!!! The photography was excellent (not bad of me – excellent of Mark, tho!! Except looks as if he is holding his breath & struggling to keep from smiling) [Apparently he was partway through an exhalation, lips pursed and cheeks inflated…kinda like a puffer fish?! Sorry to disappoint: I felt obliged to edit him out of the photo out of respect for his privacy.] I cannot stop looking at it!! I’m really happy!! So now those who know of it are, Sandie, Moni, Donna, Sharon, Mima fi Polly & Judy & of course, Mr Short (Mark & his friends would, too, but they won’t see it!!!) Went to speech this arvy for final tips on work etc. Is 9:20. Gonna stare at the photo so[me] more. [Now that sounds ‘creepy’…]

Tuesday 12/8/86

My speech exam was… average. Probably a “B”, I think. My reading was good, my poem was good, my talk was stuffed and my news report was fair. We had to wait ages (she was running at least 40 minutes behind!!) Mima came round. We spent the morning typing out our work and practising. After lunch we left, riding on our bikes. Got there and changed in the loos [‘loos’ are toilets/bathrooms for those who aren’t familiar with this Australian slang]. Then worked up our nerves for ages. After, we laughed about it – the conversations we’d had were bloody hilarious!! Rode to sly cones [an ice creamery] (did not pass the school) then into town. Rode home – stopped at the Aeroglen park & laughed & sang. Rode on home slowly. Hot day today – couldn’t believe it!!! It’s 8:45 – earlyish night. Exams are over!! CAN’T WAIT for school tomorrow!! See Mark in the flesh. I am still drooling over the photos!! Julia took one to school [she was still attending Smithfield High at this stage]. Most thought he was O.K. Amanda said YUK. 2 girls she barely knew said yum & about me: is that your sister? God she’s beautiful, so pretty etc Can you believe it? [Perhaps you weren’t as plain as you thought, Liss?]

Wednesday 13/8/86

Ha! I knew something’d go wrong today. It was for the best, though. (I suppose). I did take the photo to show Monique (Mark was away yesterday too; not at baseball; he’s in the play – a dancer (was on the camp) Monique said he’s good, too!) Anyway she said this girl (Joannah C’s cousin) in Yr 9 was flirting with him. That made me depressed. But mima told him about the photo. He badly wanted to see it. I said no..way. Cameron asked Sharon She said no, then he actually said to me. I said no. But before Fi & I left for the Trobuk Pools, I gave it to mime & said don’t let anyone else see it. Boring at the Pools. Wanted to rush back & see Mark (why, god knows) Tonight on the phone, mima said Steven, Brent, Cameron & Megan also saw it. They all said it was a good photo. Mark didn’t say much (about me – not that she told me) but he asked her if I still liked him. Mima said, I’m not going to say anything. He is rather worried or is he? Speech on my own. It’s 10:30

Thursday 14/8/86

I think I’ve stuffed my chances now. I was going to make him ‘grovel’ or at least, worry a bit about whether I liked him or not… I don’t know what’ll happen now. In 6th period, biology, I put across the feeling of disappointment, depression cos I thought he was avoiding me. Anyway at the end, before we all left the room, Chris K was talking about Sandie and I said (a bit too loud I think) “So what’s it like to be in love?” If Mark heard that he probably would’ve assumed I didn’t like him. Tricia, in 7th p. art., was crying too.. what about? I think it was most likely about Mark cos after school, he & her sat on opposite bike racks and at one stage, he walked away to Terry & Raymond etc. I watched him talking. What about? Then he came back. Is it all over between them? I hope Cameron says something to me in Chem tomorrow 10:05. Went late night tonight. Then to see mum’s cousin up from Sydney. His 3 kids are nice the 7 yr old boy isn’t. Failed Chemistry exam & mima is having so much trouble with Brent.

Friday 15/8/86

*Cameron said nothing. In fact, he’s a big snob now, won’t even sit next to me, let alone talk to me. I failed chem 13/30, but the great thing is I only failed by 2 marks! [This is a radically different reaction to that I would have had only a year earlier. Exam failure would have gutted me. At least at this point I have found the positive in a negative!] Mark is avoiding me… I’m sure. Today, we walked to the City Place; Grease was being acted out as a “preview”. was great! (Went in lunchtime) got back ½ way thru’ period 6. No one in art noticed I was late. Fi also told me today how Mark & Tricia kiss goodbye in the “arvies”. I really wanted to see them do it [really? are you a masochist?] but we were held up after by talking etc. By the time we got there, Tricia’s bus was there. AND Mark was talking to Nicole C; yes, the same one who was flirting with him on the camp. BITCH. Anyway, At home I rang Lucy all arvy & got ready. Finally got on to Jane [her sister] said she’d be in on the 8:30 plane. POOP!! Fi came around 6:45→ we walked round town. picked up mima & she changed then we spent all the time at Licks cafe [an ice creamery] in Mellick Centre where Jay works. Didn’t go to pancake house at all. Met Justine & Beka. Stayed there till about 9:30… went walking… finally found Lucy..

Saturday 16/8/86

Last nite, we caught a taxi home. Justine, Fi & I stayed at mima’s. Watched View to a Kill on video. Bed at 1:15 – woke 7:15 this morning. After small brekky, Justine & I walked to my place I changed and mima rode in …we rode together into town – mima to get her hair permed – me to work – (saw Heath. & Marge.) Justine’s dad took her home. Worked 4hrs 15 mins. Mima’s hair looks absolutely terrificly fantastic!! (Giles & Andrew D. were working – I immediately thought of what Mark said on the phone that night “we talked about you at Mackay”) We rode, picked Fi up from the newsagency & went to mima’s (mum wasn’t home) Watched music videos and bombed out – rested. Went home around 5:15. Petra’s staying over. Talking a lot about Mark… mima said he also thought I was taller than him she said “as if she’d crouch down for a photo!” Also, she told me exactly what he said that day (I can’t remember, but it was bad. He really thinks I hate him. I’m so depressed – so depressed that I didn’t go to the party tonight. Betcha he was there. 10:55

Sunday 17/8/86

I did nothing today. It was a BIG waste of time. Watched a little TV, drew and looked at photo albums and, of course, I ate. I had maths, english & speech HW to do, too. SHIT, huh? Oh well; It’s 9:00. I’m listening to Take 40 Australia. Will finish at 10:00. Hopefully I’ll get to sleep quickly Been thinking about Mark a lot too. Am really depressed. Why has all this happened? I’ve lost faith in him. (I can’t trust him) but I still want him badly. I’m also very frightened- frightened that if I went out with him & fell totally head over heels in love with him (like mima is with Brent) that what happened to mima & brent would happen to us, except that mark wouldn’t like me. Asking Petra today, before she left, to keep her eye on him & Nicole C at rehearsals today. She also thinks he’s a fantastic dancer & got a cute bum.