Everyone was talking about the party (or at least, the formal) “Everyone” did something on Saturday night. I feel so ‘depressed’. Donna said Mark was there & when I wondered if he was with anybody she said “I’m not saying anything”. But later said she “truly didn’t know” (Everyone was pissed) And Fiona & them had a great time at the formal (she got home 6:00 in the morning!) And Sharon gave me my present (as did Sandy & Monique) and talked to me again. Nothing has been said about ‘it’. We’re buddies again (…) And Fiona, Jemima, Brent & guess who …Cameron are going to the show together. How more depressing. I’ll go with Sharon & probably never “see” Mark . . . Oh, I’m so depressed. 9:45. School photos Blech. I am the tallest in our form Fuck it [Yep, I hated being tall. After all, it makes you stand out more. And I’m super-shy, remember?] I don’t think I like Mark anymore. I feel kind of “cheated”. [!!] It’d never work; we’re too shy And he probably doesn’t like me very much anyway. [So easy for me to fall into ‘despair’]
Boring Boring Boring . . I’ve decided I don’t care (very much) for Mark anymore . . . I probably really do (actually, I do) but I like people thinking “I’m crazy”. [okay. I don’t understand THAT] I’m tired. It’s 10:30. Things with him are in a different perspective now. Also, because mima & Brent wanted to go to the show on their own, Fi, Cameron & me (and Sharon & Adam G too, I s’pose) are going together (Gonna ask Fi to hint to Cameron about Mark…!! Ha Ha. Very funny. It’s raining. And it’s rather hot. might sleep in-the-nick tonight!! Probably not. Boring day. Did no (only Chem.) HW. Umah – I’m too lazy (and HOT) Bloody tired. Big black bags under my eyes, betcha!!! SHOW!! I love it!! Feel, in a way tho that I’m still intruding on Fiona & Cameron. Monique left at big lunch to go to Townsville for her ballet exams 2morrow. GOOD LUCK MONI! Feel Jemima’s not happy with me either OH WELL 8:45
Officially declared BAD DAY. (1) And most important … Mark is going out with Tricia D. I told you I knew he’d been with someone at the party… the problem is, he’s still with her. Why? What a bastard. This proves one of 3 things he either didn’t like me as much as everyone reckons, or if he did, he’s being bloody selfish in going out with Trisha just for [one reason] or (3) he’s trying to make me jealous (which is stupid & wouldn’t work anyway – I don’t get jealous – I’m sensitive – I get hurt) SO NOW I’ve plastered “Mark W; bastard” etc all over the place. [“All over the place” would have been in non-public places. I still wouldn’t want to burn my bridges…] Fuck him. I like Cameron. . he makes an effort to talk to me. And he’s funny & I’m going to the show with him. [?!!! but he’s not into you!] But I’m not gonna try’n’make Mark jealous. [psssh! ha ha ha] It’ll probably turn him off like he did to me (as you can see, I still care) And Donna did know .. she just didn’t want to hurt me.. (2) mima had a big fight with her mum & ran away but when I rang there around 8:15, she was home but in conference with her mum
[In the Notes section at the back of my diary, I added the following – as an ‘answer’ – to some thoughts I had penned a week or two earlier (nothing here is dated other than the month) when I was in a more positive frame of mind about Mark:]
Whoa, girlie!!! With all this about Tricia, you really can’t be so sure anymore. Could you ever trust this guy enough?? Is he the answer to your dreams? No? Yes? What are you??
Now I don’t know what to think. (we rode to school late this morning: 8:15 & took it slowly..) mima was upset & Fiona went with her fo[r] console they missed Yr11 parade & ½ of pd 1. So Cameron sat next to me. We talked. Got onto Mark. I said something like “Dickhead” C: That’s not nice me: I know… C: He likes you… me: I’ve known that for a long time. He went on telling me about how he likes me, and is only going out with Trish cos he feels obligated [Omission of facts about others, here] Also.. I find out from Becca G that everybody knows I like Mark. [With hindsight it’s easy to condemn myself for being so naive..] Great, huh?!! Sharon is so unreliable. I know it was her, even tho she denied it. [..and then to blame someone else for something that would have been so easily perceived by others. She was also not the only person who knew…] Also Cameron rang about Fiona – he really likes her a lot & is worried about the show. I eventually convinced him to still go. Is 9:35…!!! I maths, Cameron & Chris told me how much they hate Sharon. So many people do. It’s unbelievable!! Cameron also knows everything about how I feel about Mark – I’ve “begged” him not to tell [Ha! Who’s his alliance likely to lie with, Elissa? You or his best mate?]
♥ It was alright!! (The show, that is…) Firstly, today I listened to music did a bit of HW and got ready. I was bloody excited… would Mark be there?? If so, with or without Tricia? Picked up everybody, swapped into cars at Monique’s and went. Big group… but soon Monique, Sandy, Chris & Glyn left. So Cameron, Fi, Sharon & Adam G, me (& mima and brent later on) went on everything [amusement park rides]. we (cameron, adam & I) stood off while the others went on the zipper [That ride – pictured right – was always my most feared. I think to this day, I’ve only ever been on it once]. Then he came … all night I wanted to see him, but was too shy to talk (or even look at him) Yes, Tricia was there, but at the end she wasn’t and we went on dodgems. (not him & I – all of us) And walked to the gates together. Mima told me the things he said about me. Mima: Isn’t Lissa gorgeous? Mark: (without hesitation; very hastily answering, determinedly) Yes! (And then Trish came. Gave mima very dirty looks all nite) Also
mima: cameron: where’s elissa? Mark (quickly) up there.. mima: keeping your eye on her. Mark: you bet.
I will never babysit again in my life!! Screaming babies I just cannot hack. Don’t go telling me I’ll never be able to cope with children, tho… [I just don’t like loud noises in general…] we finally got her to lie down & she’s going to go to sleep I think. Poor kid; I understand how frightened she is. Mum (& her mum) are at a National Trust Dinner. I’ll scream if they’re too late. I wanted an early night in the first place. Fuck that. I did nothing today. I just didn’t know what to do (in the way of an english assignment… my maths is driving me up the wall) And, of course, my day wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t spend some time thinking about Mark!! It’s 8:50 now; god knows what time I’ll get to bed. I am bloody tired, too. Last night it was 12:05 when I turned off my lamp!!! I’m thinking a bit about Mark & me. I don’t think we’d be very good… to start with, we find it hard to talk to each other….what next?
Got to sleep around 11:45…. that baby …oooh! We only managed to make her happy (& occupied) in the last 45 mins or so. Otherwise we ignored her & she cried (screamed) or (mostly) sat on the couch keeping quiet. She also shit herself & even when mum came home, we didn’t want to try & change her nappy in case she kicked up another stink (it was too late in the night for that) I fell asleep just after mum & julia had successfully changed her nappy & her parents came. [It’s no surprise that my sister assisted in the nappy-changing; she was and is very maternal. Me not so much. Obviously.] Today I did big fat NOTHING. I had maths & english but I did none of both. What a pisshead. I kept thinking “what will I do?” for my english ..I have no idea. So I haven’t even started. Mr G will have fun revving me tomorrow. Getta move on. Just watched the movie. Umah!! Is 10:45 My, my, my …. think a lot about Mark. Would it (us) work? Really?