A Bleeding Mole, a Prudent Prescription & the Show (13-19 July)

Monday 13/7/87

Ugh! I hate school. It’s so boring & ….. boring!! Rebecca G’s back in Cairns – at school. But that doesn’t really bother me – she doesn’t talk anyway (to me) We’re back in F block for maths. Wowee. How boring. Mark came late, but smiled at me when I saw him. A Life in WordsWe barely talked at all (end of recess, in biol & after school). Most of it was stirring anyway. On the way home we honked the horn & I gave him the forks – he rang me tonight & everything seemed much better (even though we were still joking around). I think he got off his “high horse” (maybe?) – realised what he was doing. Anyway was really cool today & is cool tonite. Spent the lunch hour on the oval in the sun. There’s a mole on stomach- bleeding. [Well aren’t these back-to-back sentences pretty much ‘oxymoronic’? The sun + bleeding moles = ?!?!] Worrying me a bit. [Really?] Hope its not cancerous. [In all fairness, the lunchtime sun-soak wouldn’t’ve registered to me at all because we didn’t know back then that skin cancers (esp. melanoma) can ‘originate’ in places never seen by the sun…] Talked to mum tonight about the pill – she’s not really impressed, but she knows its for the best [What mama is ever truly happy about her girl reaching this rite-of-passage? (I don’t even have to mention Dads!) I imagine it’s more just a sign of her baby growing up too fast…] Watching mini series again tonight. Finished 11:30 last nite. Same tonite???

Tuesday 14/7/87

10:30 it finished last night & 10:30 again tonite. Gosh it’s cool! Beautiful weather Just right. I’d love summers like this – imagine, then, the winters! [Hmmm, my attitude towards the seasons has pretty much reversed over the years…] Today was O.K. seemed to go rather fast. Rang Mark tonight, briefly.A Life in Words I went to see Mrs E this afternoon – for a dress fitting – she’s only just begun the lining! Hope it gets finished! Then I went to the doctor to see about this bleeding mole- he said it’s “malignant” (whatever that means) [“not good”] & he ripped it off. [..which I find confusing. If it was truly malignant, there should have been further testing. If I had misunderstood the doctor, and he was simply intimating that it may become malignant – removal without follow up could be expected. But if there was minimal chance of it being a threat (and I have realised many ‘mole-morphing’ experiences over the years) the removal may have been some sadistic power-play?!!] Now I’ve got a kind of scab. I also asked (shame!) [shame because it’s an ‘admission’!] about the pill – he wrote a prescription out, but said to start first pack after next period; even then, must wait until I’ve finished that pack (of approx. 21 or 28 pills) before it becomes effective.A Life in Words So it’ll be a while yet. Did barely any homework. am so tired. Riding tomorrow 1st dance practise tomorrow night but Mark doesn’t want to go: State of Origin III match is on. mini-series ended tonite – was fantastic!!! Busy day tomorrow (I think!) SHOW!!! [Oh how I loved the Show back then. I think it stemmed from my social nature: as a younger teen it was the most ‘popular’ event I could ever attend… I used to get excited wondering how many people I would run into in the crowd of strangers…]

Wednesday 15/7/87

All these late nights!! It’s almost 11:00 now. Today was O.K. I thought I’d missed mima & fiona, but they were just a little late. Dad stopped us around Suicide Bend [a severe curve in the road between Stratford and Aeroglen at which a number of historic fatalities occurred. The road is now known as the Stratford Connection Road but we certainly didn’t know it by that name back in the 80’s …I just can’t remember what it was: Aeroglen Drive or Kamerunga Road? …Anyone?] and, get this, gave me $40 (for Jules & I for the show) can you believe it? We didn’t even have to ask! Wow!! A Life in Words[As often happens with split homes, one parent ends up dishing out more money than the other in the rearing of offspring. I think it’s unavoidable even in the most amicable of relationships disintegrations. Living with mum meant she bore the financial brunt of our upbringing. Rather than Dad being a conscious miser, I believe things simply just ‘didn’t occur’ to him. It fits with the adage “out of sight, out of mind”.] Did biol. HW at school. Got on really well with mark today- I mean we didn’t talk too much more than usual, but we were in better spirits (I think) – he seemed much nicer; a little more affectionate (although he wasn’t) [what the?! …he was but he wasn’t?] Don’t worry – I can’t explain. [obviously] At lunchtime (after) Mima, Fi, Polly, Anna, Joannah, Myuko & I went to Fi’s shop to miss athletics tryouts. Talked, laughed ate. After 3:00, got our bikes & (after mima’s dress fitting) rode home really fast! (Pushing my leg to its limit! Ha, ha) Late nite was v. unsuccessful – nothing at all, I really like. At home watched TV & got bag from mima’s. OW! Bit my gum this arvy – its sore now. my stomach mole’s O.K now. Mum’s pushing me about the pill “Are you sure about Mark? I want you to be absolutely sure about him…” etc [Well, this is truly an eye-opener for me. Aside from mum’s innate parental concern for her daughter, this is the first moment I have realised that she perhaps didn’t overly approve of my boyfriend. In her defense, it would have been crystal clear how affected I was by him; my moods and reactions relative to the relationship highs and lows. I mean, if I as an adult now cringe at what I allowed myself to experience, I can imagine how it could have felt for my loving mother to watch…] Had to pay for painting stretcher today (out of my $20 for the show – now I have only $14 left. Great)

Thursday 16/7/87A Life in Words

Great day! I’m in a really good mood! Only one problem – Fi’s sick .. but if she rests tomorrow all day she should be O.K (I hope so) for it. School was boring, of course .. the Canadian marching band did a display this morning after parade, so that shortened our lessons. (It was really good!) I rode by myself. to school (wondering at the time why I possibly did) but on the way home I enjoyed it. We got ready, took Amanda & Jules to the show then went to Earlville. I was almost giving up hope when, wait for it, we went in to ROCKMANS & I found some black pants!! WOW! Then I purchased” a red shaker-knit cotton jumper (men’s) so I was in a good mood – watched the model search thingy (with mima, Pol, anna, danae, colleen, juliet, nina …so on) _both heats (Tricia was in the last one – my God – I would never dream of doing that if I was her (if I was me, anyway!)) [Such high and rigid expectations of Beauty thanks to the Media and my own low Self Esteem..] VOMIT! [Harsh reactions again hint at Insecurity… and perhaps Jealousy: that she had the self confidence/esteem/love to have a go in the first place. We often attack or lash out when coming from a place of Fear…] went home with Brewers .. mima & I decided to ride to the beach tomorrow morning – At home I rang Mark straight away – but I’m going to ring again tomorrow. Still not sure exactly what the plans are for tomorrow (night) – after the show, too (the [House on the] Hill, [that is, Crocodile Rock nightclub] staying at Fi’s.) Hafta work it all out.

Friday 17/7/87

Didn’t ride to the beach-mima had to stay to meet her granny. I “wasted” the morning – watching TV, weaving (for art).  A Life in WordsDid a little exercise→ rode to the shop for mum. Rang mima & fi & got “plans” sorted out; got ready around 3:30→ went to Fi’s at 4:20 – finished getting ready, before walking to mima’s. Picked up Jo & Geoff. M too . . got there around 5:45 – got to the Big Ferris wheel [the ‘meeting point’] around 6:03, I reckon. Mark showed up at 6:15- had been waiting at the little Ferris wheel. But, he went again to the pub. Met him at 7:00 – he was teasing me about Phil C (was there with P. N. & some others) YUM, YUM. I did end up talking to him, too; he has changed- is much, much less shy than last year. I think he’d be a really cool friend to have. I went on 1 ride spent a record minimum (less than $5 I’m sure) this year. Mark was away most the time – at the end I felt I was being ignored/avoided. IT HURTS so much. Around 11:30 went to the Hill. I got in no sweat (no questions . nothing!! WOWEE) Was good, except was hot & smoky inside. But I wasn’t exactly happy. I felt, especially towards the end, very unloved, boring, sad, lonely, depressed & a bit pissed off. […anything else?…] Why does Mark treat me the way he does? God it hurts so much. [No…why do you put up with the ‘treatment’? You have a choice. It’s nothing to do with him …but everything to do with You…] But I can’t say anything- he’ll only confirm his beliefs that I’m a weak, boring sook. (whinger, complainer) Pretty well bombed at Fi’s, around 3:30. Cold!!! left around 8:30 – Fi’d already gone to work, mima home. Jo & I cleaned up, then walked to bus stop sat until she caught bus to Redlynch – I walked home. Spent the day lying, resting, reading thinking= being depressed. [Allowing the Mind to replay the Past, re-tell its Stories to keep you Down…] “Well I’ll see you when I see you” he said. Jesus that hurt. Maybe I’m just going through an extremely sensitive period or something but I can’t help it; A Life in WordsI’m feeling down today & I can’t change it. [You can. But sometimes you’re not meant to…] Had a short sleep (about 1-1½hrs) after 3:00→ rang Fi & Sharon after (both weren’t home) Mark rang me. I felt a little better (he made the effort to ring me, after all) & we decided to go to the movies (he didn’t want to go to the party) Got calls from Beka & Sharon after. Got to odeon just before him. Lethal Weapon again. He appeared very quiet – uncomfortable (moody) but relaxed a bit after. (We walked around→ to Pacific & had a cocktail – Pink Blonde YUMMY) Left odeon after ringing mum (him→Sandra) & getting himself a steakburger .. I was a little pissed off again. . . .→

Sunday 19/7/87

→ no kiss again→ I knew it – it had to do with what I’d said last  Saturday night – about never kissing him again. I’d said to forget it & he said he did, but no→ he has to carry it on – that’s what upsets me the way he carries things on, for days, weeks. I hate it – it hurts. It makes me afraid to say anything to him now in case he carries it on. [And this is a perfect example of how fears develop into life-long instinctive reactions or habits. “Avoid Confrontation at all costs, Liss” the Mind says…] So he laughed as we drove away. At home I watched TV, right up untill 1:15 or so. I bombed and woke this morning at about 9:30→ really dead! (Mum painting the entrance room) Amanda left around 11:00 (she stayed last night) God, it depresses me to think about Mark→why does he do it? Deliberately to provoke me; make me sulk. [Maybe? Maybe trying to push you away? Or maybe he has no intention at all. The thing is, you can never really know …which means it’s beyond your Control …which means ya gotta… Let. It. Go.] I can’t stand it. formal dancingAfter wasting the day (totally) Beka picked me up: at dance practise I got a very mixed feeling about him. He seemed O.K. (nice) now & then – but sometimes he was very “stiff” as if he wished he didn’t go. Kept calling me a Sook. I can see he doesn’t like me (being a “Sook”) But I can’t convince him when I’m not sulking. DON’T HURT ME ANYMORE. PLEASE forget all this shit. After it I had a terribly sore throat – hard to swallow, yawn & speak. God it’s killing me. Mark wouldn’t believe me when I told him it was sore – just said “sook

An Emotional Rollercoaster & a Shitty Babysitting Experience (14-20 July)

Monday 14/7/86

Everyone was talking about the party (or at least, the formal) “Everyone” did something on Saturday night. I feel so ‘depressed’. Donna said Mark was there & when I wondered if he was with anybody she said “I’m not saying anything”. A Life in WordsBut later said she “truly didn’t know” (Everyone was pissed) And Fiona & them had a great time at the formal (she got home 6:00 in the morning!) And Sharon gave me my present (as did Sandy & Monique) and talked to me again. Nothing has been said about ‘it’. We’re buddies again (…) And Fiona, Jemima, Brent & guess who …Cameron are going to the show together. How more depressing. I’ll go with Sharon & probably never “see” Mark . . . Oh, I’m so depressed. 9:45. School photos Blech. I am the tallest in our form Fuck it [Yep, I hated being tall. After all, it makes you stand out more. And I’m super-shy, remember?] I don’t think I like Mark anymore. I feel kind of “cheated”. [!!] It’d never work; we’re too shy And he probably doesn’t like me very much anyway. [So easy for me to fall into ‘despair’]

Tuesday 15/7/86

Boring Boring Boring . . I’ve decided I don’t care (very much) for Mark anymore . . . I probably really do (actually, I do) but I like people thinking “I’m crazy”. [okay. I don’t understand THAT] I’m tired. It’s 10:30. Things with him are in a different perspective now. Also, because mima & Brent wanted to go to the show on their own, Fi, Cameron & me (and Sharon & Adam G too, I s’pose) are going together (Gonna ask Fi to hint to Cameron about Mark…!! Ha Ha. Very funny. It’s raining. And it’s rather hot. might sleep in-the-nick tonight!! Probably not. Boring day. Did no (only Chem.) HW. Umah – I’m too lazy (and HOT) Bloody tired. Big black bags under my eyes, betcha!!! SHOW!! I love it!! Feel, in a way tho that I’m still intruding on Fiona & Cameron. A Life in WordsMonique left at big lunch to go to Townsville for her ballet exams 2morrow. GOOD LUCK MONI! Feel Jemima’s not happy with me either OH WELL 8:45

Wednesday 16/7/86

Officially declared BAD DAY. (1) And most important … Mark is going out with Tricia D. I told you I knew he’d been with someone at the party… the problem is, he’s still with her. Why? What a bastard. This proves one of 3 things he either didn’t like me as much as everyone reckons, or if he did, he’s being bloody selfish in going out with Trisha just for [one reason] or (3) he’s trying to make me  jealous (which is stupid & wouldn’t work anyway – I don’t get jealous – I’m sensitive – I get hurt) SO NOW I’ve plastered “Mark W; bastard” etc all over the place. [“All over the place” would have been in non-public places. I still wouldn’t want to burn my bridges…] Fuck him. I like Cameron. . he makes an effort to talk to me. And he’s funny & I’m going to the show with him. [?!!! but he’s not into you!] But I’m not gonna try’n’make Mark jealous. [psssh! ha ha ha] It’ll probably turn him off like he did to me (as you can see, I still care) And Donna did know .. she just didn’t want to hurt me.. (2) mima had a big fight with her mum & ran away but when I rang there around 8:15, she was home but in conference with her mum

[In the Notes section at the back of my diary, I added the following – as an ‘answer’ – to some thoughts I had penned a week or two earlier (nothing here is dated other than the month) when I was in a more positive frame of mind about Mark:]

Whoa, girlie!!! With all this about Tricia, you really can’t be so sure anymore. Could you ever trust this guy enough?? Is he the answer to your dreams? No? Yes? What are you??

Thursday 17/7/86

Now I don’t know what to think. (we rode to school late this morning: 8:15 & took it slowly..) mima was upset & Fiona went with her fo[r] console they missed Yr11 parade & ½ of pd 1. So Cameron sat next to me. We talked. Got onto Mark. I said something like “Dickhead” C: That’s not nice me: I know… C: He likes you… me: I’ve known that for a long time. He went on telling me about how he likes me, and is only going out with Trish cos he feels obligated [Omission of  facts about others, here] Also.. I find out from Becca G that everybody knows I like Mark. [With hindsight it’s easy to condemn myself for being so naive..] Great, huh?!! Sharon is so unreliable. I know it was her, even tho she denied it. [..and then to blame someone else for something that would have been so easily perceived by others. She was also not the only person who knew…] Also Cameron rang about Fiona – he really likes her a lot & is worried about the show. I eventually convinced him to still go. Is 9:35…!!! I maths, Cameron & Chris told me how much they hate Sharon. So many people do. It’s unbelievable!! Cameron also knows everything about how I feel about Mark – I’ve “begged” him not to tell [Ha! Who’s his alliance likely to lie with, Elissa? You or his best mate?]

Friday 18/7/86A Life in Words

♥ It was alright!! (The show, that is…) Firstly, today I listened to music did a bit of HW and got ready. I was bloody excited… would Mark be there?? If so, with or without Tricia? Picked up everybody, swapped into cars at Monique’s and went. Big group… but soon Monique, Sandy, Chris & Glyn left. So Cameron, Fi, Sharon & Adam G, me (& mima and brent later on) went on everything [amusement park rides]. we (cameron, adam & I) stood off while the others went on the zipper [That ride – pictured right – was always my most feared. I think to this day, I’ve only ever been on it once]. Then he came … all night I wanted to see him, but was too shy to talk (or even look at him) Yes, Tricia was there, but at the end she wasn’t and we went on dodgems. (not him & I – all of us) And walked to the gates together. Mima told me the things he said about me. Mima: Isn’t Lissa gorgeous? Mark: (without hesitation; very hastily answering, determinedly) Yes! (And then Trish came. Gave mima very dirty looks all nite) Also mima: cameron: where’s elissa? Mark (quickly) up there.. mima: keeping your eye on her. Mark: you bet.

Saturday 19/7/86

I will never babysit again in my life!! Screaming babies I just cannot hack. Don’t go telling me I’ll never be able to cope with children, tho… [I just don’t like loud noises in general…] we finally got her to lie down & she’s going to go to sleep I think. Poor kid; I understand how frightened she is. Mum (& her mum) are at a National Trust Dinner. I’ll scream if they’re too late. I wanted an early night in the first place. Fuck that. I did nothing today. I just didn’t know what to do (in the way of an english assignment… my maths is driving me up the wall) And, of course, my day wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t spend some time thinking about Mark!! It’s 8:50 now; god knows what time I’ll get to bed. I am bloody tired, too. Last night it was 12:05 when I turned off my lamp!!! I’m thinking a bit about Mark & me. I don’t think we’d be very good… to start with, we find it hard to talk to each other….what next?

Sunday 20/7/86

Got to sleep around 11:45…. that baby …oooh! We only managed to make her happy (& occupied) in the last 45 mins or so. Otherwise we ignored her & she cried (screamed) or (mostly) sat on the couch keeping quiet. She also shit herself & even when mum came home, we didn’t want to try & change her nappy in case she kicked up another stink (it was too late in the night for that) I fell asleep just after mum & julia had successfully changed her nappy & her parents came. [It’s no surprise that my sister assisted in the nappy-changing; she was and is very maternal. Me not so much. Obviously.] Today I did big fat NOTHING. I had maths & english but I did none of both. What a pisshead. I kept thinking “what will I do?” for my english ..I have no idea. So I haven’t even started. Mr G will have fun revving me tomorrow. Getta move on. Just watched the movie. Umah!! Is 10:45 My, my, my …. think a lot about Mark. Would it (us) work? Really?