jealousy – Page 3 – A Life in Words

The Cast of Grease & the Honour Rejected (12-18 May)

Published on May 12, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 12/5/86

He was on a geography excursion today. I caught a glance of him as he was getting on the bus. So the “school” was quite empty i.e.: only Keith, Cameron, Brent (really) were left. “Excitement” about the party – everyone gossiping. Angie J has told all the girls they were only kissing but the guys knew differently. Personally, I believe she did have sex with him. [I really think this belief is half based in jealousy (obviously) but also Pessimism: assuming the ‘worst’.] A little depressing today was, on our way home (we (Fi & I) were in the back seat (“as usual)) & Cameron was too. were talking about ‘loves’ Cameron says most of the guys like Sharon. (think she’s good looking, anyway) Mark too. He didn’t say much about that. But I’m wondering seriously whether Mark does like Sharon or not. I keep telling myself ME MEANS NOTHING TO ME. [Haha, keep going…] 9:40. Jeez, I’m confused. I wish someone would tell me, straight out, whether Mark likes me or not. [Strangely enough it’s these comments that piss me off the most, now. FFS, was I really such a persistently wishful-thinking sook?! Oops, now I have to chastise myself for being so hard on myself! Especially being so hard on my little 15 year-old self.]

Tuesday 13/5/86

It’s 9:52. I’m watching part one of “Gone With the Wind”. It’s on TV. If it doesn’t finish soon, I’ll have to go to bed – I’m bugared. [That’s right, it WAS an Epic film wasn’t it? A 4 hour saga, it was actually broken up into two parts for television. Is it sill the longest (commercial/popular) film ever made?] Rode today. Riding home, stopped at Stratford (Fi got off the bus) & talked to Beka & Justine & Kym. Then Fi & mima (doubled [as in, doubled on a bike]) came over. At 5:30 they left. I did a little HW, had dinner, a bath & went to mima’s to watch “Grease”. Was great. Am so excited about the play! Today I was happy, in the morning. It “appeared” to me that Mark was trying to make me notice him. (Sharon shamed me – talking about him, in the library, and he was standing just behind) S’pose to have been ignoring Angie which made me happy too. But then he was talking to her later. Oh well. On the other hand, it wouldn’t be so good if someone told me whether Mark liked me or not cos if the answer was no I’d be mighty upset. [That’s Life, chick.]

Wednesday 14/5/86

9:55. Riding tomorrow. Stuff “Gone with the Wind”. I’m too tired to watch it. Pity, tho, huh? I HATE WEDNESDAYS so much. Cameron’s hanging around Mark a lot more since I told him that I like Mark. (Wonder why?) It’s probably got nothing to do with that. [Yep!] But I hate Wednesdays. And I “love” Mark (I know it’s not love, but if I could become goods friends – I’m sure it’d grow) [Well at least I was ‘aware’ enough to know that saying I loved someone didn’t necessarily mean I did…?!?] Ms. Black doesn’t like me, I’m sure. Mim & I didn’t do anything in recreational art today. Found out who got in the play Grease. I’m not listed. Either’s mima. Heather: Sandy, AnnMarie: Rizzo, Peta R: Marty, Clare McK – Frenchie, Tootsie is Patty, Steven – Danny, Neville Kenicki, Brent is Roger. Wow. I am tired. Speech – boring. HATE Wednesdays. Fi & I were asked to be ushers for the Yr 12 formal. Have to have partners so I own’t go. Everyone thinks I’m crazy (I know I am)

Thursday 15/5/86

Got a letter from Lucy: am writing back now – must also write back to Fran. News is she’s coming up in June Holidays for sure!!!! Riding to school today I had a prang on Aeroglen Drive: skinned my right knee – that’s all shook me up, tho→ I fell straight over & couldn’t get up for shaking. A council truck drove past & the 3 guys laughed. I chucked an enormous flash!!! [For those unaware, “chucking a flash” meant giving an eyeful – whether deliberately or accidentally – to some one – or more – of things you would rather or should NOT!] Shame. I went to the doctor’s this arvy too. Dr D said my nose is normal – the only way to rid nasality is speech exercises [read: I had a “lazy soft palate” so had to exercise the muscle – like any other weak muscles in the body] and I’ll just have to keep using my Becotide (until hopefully I grow out of my allergies) 9:35. I was kinda bored – unsettled today. I don’t want to do this ushering – but Carla reckons it’s an honour – so I can’t back out. What the fuck will I do?? I won’t get a partner. Am tired. I think. Kinda pissed off. Asked Mark a Q in Bio today. Barely answered

Friday 16/5/86

The “ushering” thing pushed me to my limits today. Spent almost whole lunch hour with Carla, Clare, Maureen B, & Heather, trying to decide what to do. I didn’t want to but according to Carla it was an honour – and I couldn’t refuse. But I have. I got so upset at the end – talking to Fi, that my eyes watered & I didn’t go to the dancing in tutorial. I am not going. It is part to do with Steven (being my partner, cos I don’t really know him well) but mostly in-confidence. i.e.: not enough. [Again, at least I was aware of and honest about my ‘failings’] Cameron couldn’t believe (& Brent) that I backed out. It’s almost as if he really wanted me to go. Ha! Anyway I’m not. It’s 10:15. Went late night: bought pr men’s PJ’s (snuggy!!) & fantastic new adidas sandshoes. I LOVE THEM!! In Coles, talking to Maureen – she offered me a job. think I might take it up, next time. So many people came up & said Hi. But I didn’t see Mark at all. BOO HOO. Also, in the carpark, I dropped a whole bag of oranges!! SHAME!! I couldn’t stop laughing: Torstein & this cute guy were doing trolleys helped me pick them up. HOW EMBARRASSING! ALSO – went to Freshy Pub with Geoff 4 tea. I didn’t eat. [??]

Saturday 17/5/86

Earned $23. Yes! I am getting my normal $4 rate – but I’ll still ask Maureen about a job at school on Monday. Boring. Rushed home, rushed & got ready & rushed to pick up Nana to hurry & get to the Railway Station on time to pick up mum’s uncle (nana’s husband’s brother) [This took me a moment to work out: my grandmother was married twice, but this particular man would have been mum’s real (blood) relative – the brother of her father, whom I never met. Mum’s dad (my grandfather) died while mum was a teenager. Coincidentally, so did my father’s mother (my grandmother on the other side) Beginning to realise that there has been a fair bit of ‘premature death’ in my immediate family unit]. That took bloody 10 mins. Rush for nothing! Then we dropped Nana home & at the moment, I’m still writing Letter to lucy while watching Saturday Night Fever on TV (again) 10:22. I wish I could hurry & finish the letter. I’d like to get to bed – have heaps HW for tomorrow. Wanna get it done.

Sunday 18/5/86

“Officer & A Gentleman” will be finished soon, I think (I hope – it’s 10:42) Today, I did a bit of chemistry, maths & english HW. Just bits. But I’m glad I did do some of my english – at least I know where I’m at with my assignment. —Yes!! Now it’s finished and I love it! (the movie) now it’s 10:51. Pretty Cool tonight (i.e.: cooler than usual – and the usual is pretty cool now) Wrote to Fran today. Also ate quite little, thank god. But I’m tired. I think. I must’ve down something to my waist/hips/ribs when I fell off my bike, cos ever since then, around my waist, hurts when I laugh, etc (also had sore muscles esp in my right upper arm) maybe I pulled muscle?!! [Ya think?] School. I can wear my fab new shoes. Love ’em: just like Lucy’s and Rebecca G’s. LOVE THEM!

Grease Auditions & A Miniature Rose (5-11 May)

Published on May 5, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 5/5/86

9:25. Gotta get some sleep tonight. Have had late nights very night this weekend. Green Island was not really fantastic. The only ones who turned up were me, Sharon, Fi, Joannah, Michelle W & a girl from CHS – Tracy. Was quite boing. Perfect weather except a bit choppy which meant the water was “cool” Justine was there – doing scuba diving lessons. We talked a fair while with her (Fi & me) We swam, sunbaked, walked, ate and jumped off the jetty (it’s illegal now, though) Pity. It’s unreal fun. I’m so tired. Wonder if we’re riding tomorrow. I forgot to ring up mima about it. Sharon told me last night that [I’m omitting the name here for privacy reasons] ‘s not a virgin – I don’t know whether to believe her or not. It’s “strange” to think about.

Tuesday 6/5/86

Steven talks to us (Fi, Sharon & me) quite a lot (He did today at Big lunch) I wish Mark would come over. He must be either shy or hate our guts. I don’t think, somehow, that it would be the latter. I hope not, anyway. I ate a fair bit this arvy and did little HW. Rang fi & mima – said they weren’t going to ride but they weren’t on the bus. (Jemima rang fi later & said she would miss the bus cos’ she wouldn’t be ready in time, so they rode: left at 8:15.) I spent before school in the library with Sharon. Is 9:35. Wanna sleep & dream. I dreamt last night that I had a party & every (even people I didn’t know) turned up except Mark – I was “waiting” for him. Windy cool. Sharon gave me a miniature rose this morning. I kept it all day till it started to die so I gave it to Ngaire R. [Er, that’s not very appropriate, Liss]

Wednesday 7/5/86

I auditioned [for the school musical, which was to be ‘Grease’]!! At speech, mima’s worries got me excited & I decided I had to go, at least to give her moral support, if not to try out. After much ‘inner-brain argument” [Oh, THAT stuff. That happens all the time in my head], I had to go. And fared better than some others, if I say so myself. [This is strange – I don’t recall doing very well at all. In fact I thought my atrocious singing had knocked me out of contention pretty much immediately] Boring school day otherwise (cos’ I hate Wednesdays – everyone (mostly Mark) leaves the school grounds.) I wonder what activity he does? Am hot. Is 10:26. Last night I had a dream that Alan (guy at school) was going with me to a party, but Fi took him away – coincidence: today mima was showing him to her. Also I dreamt Fi took off on her bike & left me. Mim & her almost were going to grab a bike and go to Kentucky fried in town (probably leaving me) Hot. am I now It isn’t usually [hot] in the day[time].

Thursday 8/5/86

Back Seat again! This time, the bus was more full. Didn’t bleed much today. […in case you were wondering…!] If it’s the same tomorrow (hopefully – please!) I can go swimming at the Cascades on our Bio excursion. Had more auditions at lunchtime today. Mima & lotsa others were sent out. I got to read Marty again, but I don’t think I was too good. I wish….!! Cheery kind of day – felt happy cos everyone especially Joannah & Tricia & Angie are being so nice to me. Drool over Mark like I do every day. I’m coming to terms with the fact that he’s out of my reach. Totally. And I think he likes Angela J, anyway. 9:50. Young Ones & the D Generation were’t so funny today. Intereference in Young Ones→ station troubles. [I think Cairns still had only two TV channels back then: the ABC and whichever commercial station the local provider FNQ10 was aligned with at the time. So we always had ‘Aunty’] Am tired. So there! So much HW didn’t get ½ done!!

Friday 9/5/86

My neck’s out. – has been all day. At first I thought it was just sore muscles all across my upper back & shoulders, but after a hot shower there was no difference. It’s still sore now. The excursion was pretty good! Mark didn’t talk to me at all, though Dwain – his partner, did. He took temp. measure for me, tho (didn’t talk, tho) and, there was one time when (for a while) he had his mirror sunglasses on, sitting on ‘high’ rocks. My idea being that he was looking at me (his head was turned my way but he must have figured that, being mirror glasses, no one could see exactly who he was looking at) ME? I hope! Told I was invited to Terry’s party. Would like to go cos Mark’ll be there, but hardly anyone’s going (girls, that is) Is 11:10 work 2morrow. Lotsa HW this weekend. Work tomorrow→ apparently Julia & I will hafta go to town & buy mum a mum’s day prezzy.

Saturday 10/5/86

‘So near and yet so far’. That’s what they say, isn’t it? There are all the (well, most, or… at least some of) signs that he likes me. He sat near me, looked at me (I sprung him sometimes (?)) and even came up to talk to me, but ___ Angela J had to come sooner or later. And it was always sooner. Soon “everyone” would be there & Angie (drunk) kissing Mark. I left & he even said ‘you can come back now’ (he wanted me to) But I (stupid, dumb, shy bitch) said no – so he went into the campavan with Angie & I didn’t see him again. [I had written about the party in another notebook in much more detail: describing how at one stage he was sitting quite close to me when Angie “came up and sat, spread-eagled, on his lap…kissing him, full-on, in front of me” which sent me packing but at a later point, he approached me as I stood solo leaning against a car. In no time however, a couple of other guys rocked up (one with a knife in his possession, which scared me) as well as Angie “kissing full-on, in front of me, again”. So I again made an escape – to a darker, more out-of-the-way place but he found me and told me (with regard to the knife-wielder) it was safe, I “could come back now”. But “thinking of Angie & him…wanting to save myself the discomfort…and hoping he’d stay with me” I declined and sat alone in the dark for awhile.] I should have talked to him more & perhaps suggested we go for a walk. Sure he likes me. WHY can’t I react?? I earned $19 at work, cos went shopping with Jenny beforehand (saw MW) & got M’s Day Prezzy – flannel sheets. Is 12:13. Am so depressed & hating myself (& Angie J) more & more.

[And in the ‘Notes’ section, just underneath my lamentation on 3 May, “longing” for a party, I’d answered myself with this:]

Hey yes Terry C did (10th) and the results? well go back to the 10th & find out (This silly little diary! I must get a bigger one next year – so I can write more about how I feel etc)

Sunday 11/5/86

Expected minimum tonight will be 19ºC!! Hooray!! Today, I spent all day on my art picture. So that means I haven’t done my english assignment or my Biology HW (& some maths) Too bad!! Sharon rang in the morning. We talked. (her problem with Terry & mine with Mark) She thinks he might have been trying to make me jealous. & that’s what I thought. [Ah…. no.] Hoped. I’ll just convince myself that he doesn’t like me – to be on the safe side (instead of getting my hopes up) & try and become good friends with him. Try is the key word. I woke at 6:30. So I got about 5hrs sleep last night. And it’s 10 past 11 now; Another late nite!! SHIT! Didn’t make mum brekky this morning. Felt terrible. [Mum was always an early riser, so it was often difficult to get her breakfast in bed anyway. Not that I am making an excuse!] In fact did next to NOTHING. All these people who rang up & said they’d made their mums brekky in bed (including Anthony W [my stepbrother-to-be]: yes!) made me feel terrible cos I didn’t. R.S. [Ratshit] Day!!

Falling in Love on a Trampoline (10-16 March)

Published on March 10, 2014 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 10/3/86

Julia is sick. Soon as she got home from school – she was talking irrelevantly [?!], crying, dizzy head-ache and after, (almost) continual vomiting. [Unfortunately, I fail to disclose what was wrong with her, so we’ll collectively never know] Mum took her to the dr’s in Geoff’s car around 8:00 tonight. Got little HW. Did most of it. Got letter from Fran. Wanted to write back to her (& Delanie) but didn’t have time. Is 9:40 now. I am not very tired, but must get sleep for tomorrow. Am excited, in a way (at least Donna & Mark W.* will be there (*I hope)) “Boringest” day I think I’ve ever spent at CH. except that in triple art (& little lunch) we watched “The Breakfast Club” – unreal, excellent, tops! And Neville & I talked on our way home off the bus this arvy. WOW!! My teeth are sore. (Only gamming) [Okay: why I would be ‘gamming’ about sore teeth, I can’t fathom, but for those who are wondering what the hell I man by ‘gamming’, it was local slang for “just kidding”] Have a breakout of tiny pimples all over my chin & round my nose & mouth. Not ordinary pimples – like rash lumps. YUKKY. [That’d be Rosacea. I had it on and off for years, but since I really cleaned up my diet, it has completely disappeared.]

Tuesday 11/3/86

Weather was fair for a fair day. Not exciting – but not boring, either. Is 9:30. Am quite tired – not looking forward to Thurs. or tomorrow, for that matter: I was skinted badly today → we were talking about who we liked (Donna, Angie, Maureen & I) and I said “Steven B…” and Mark W was sitting nearby. SHAME Then I indicated him & I think Angie told him later. [Uh-oh…] She was flirting with him all day. Otherwise – I LOVED SNORKELLING!! It’s fantastic! I even touched some coral!! I think the only time I’ll ever be afraid of the stuff again, is when I have no goggles or flippers. [Wow, I don’t recall having a coral ‘phobia’. But clearly it wasn’t quite resolved, since I’d still need snorkelling paraphernalia in order to find my courage.] Otherwise – I’d live in it!! Nah!! I just realised another favourite Pastime!! SNORKELLING RULES!! Not burnt! Believe it? You better! I’m a bit hot now. Got chaffing. And I don’t think Mark W likes me much.

Wednesday 12/3/86

Boring day. Boring. Boring. Boring. I forgot I had speech → was 30mins late. Had some of the remaining birthday cake from Mrs Marsland’s party yesterday. The mock cream I actually liked. [urgh, really?] Think Steven knows. Am sure of it. Then again, could be my imagination, huh?? So. I haven’t much to say. Except that I missed out on 9 sections of work in maths yesterday and our “prick” teacher only bothered to revise the last 6. So I know nothing. But the main reason for my “boredom” is the fact that almost everyone is going to Fitzroy tomorrow (& they’re gonna have a bigger rage cos it’s Heather & Marg’s birthday & they are gonna have a mini-party. And of course I’ll miss out. Life is dull. It’s 10:42. I am dog-tired. Am allowed to go to Sat. night party. [I love how I keep opening brackets and not closing them…because I’ve clearly forgotten – like a goldfish – that I had opened them in the first place.]

Thursday 13/3/86

Boring! That’s what today was. But I did survive having Mima & Fiona not there. I hated lunch time & before & after school & on the bus, the most. I didn’t really enjoy hanging around Donna (no one else would’ve hung round me) so I enjoyed her company anyway. [USER!!!] Did very little work today. Very little homework, too. But this weekend, I must get all of it done on Friday arvy, so I can do a bit of work on Saturday morning, then catch the train to Kuranda at 3:00 [where the party was being held; one of Cairns’ tourist attractions is the original train ride up there, so it made sense for parents to let us take it, rather than drive up the mountain range], go to the party and sleep in Sunday. Sunday arvy – assignments definitely. Angie is a bitch. [Here we go…. JEALOUSY is a bitch!] She’s flirting so much with Mark. Sat with him in Bio today. I think (hope) Maureen’s cheesed off with Angie. She’s a tart. I think she’s trying to make me jealous. [IF that was the case…. SUCCESS!] Is 9:50

Friday 14/3/86

I am tired. It’s 1:20. We’ve just come from a party (a Hash party) and, yes, dad was there too. It’s quite cool (Has been for a while) Carol B lent me 2 pr’s of Dean’s old flannelette PJ’s for the party. Don’t wanna use ’em but looks like I’ll hafta. [T’was to be a pyjama party…obviously. But I’m fairly sure I didn’t wear the flannels after all – it would’ve been way too hot. From memory I might’ve worn a pair of my ‘home-made’ (by mum) shorts, that could’ve passed as boxers.] Walked down to Limberlost Nursery with mum this arvy. Man gave us 20 specimens (or 16, at least) + all their names & I pressed 17 at home. That’s (almost) one assign. down – 2 (english) to go. So I did not get any set HW done. Am excited about party – will [be] tops – a rage, man! On the train, too! And dad said he’d drop me home early from work, if necessary. So I can work too. Fantastic!!!!! Am pooped. My eye-lids are lead. I’m bugared. tho’ I got about 1hrs sleep at the [Hash] party.

Saturday 15/3/86

My room’s been changed around and, Jeez, it’s different! I definitely love Mark W. He is the best! [Here we go…] I made friends with a lot more of the guys tonight (including him) but I think Sharon likes him too. He’s a spunk, he’s funny, he’s nice, he’s lovable. Angie is so jealous, too. [Really?] Sharon, him & I (mainly) spent a lot of time together sitting on the trampoline singing songs. He’s fantastic. And I hope he remains friendly even when he is sober. [!!!] Cos, to me, he’s special (but something strange tells me not to bother (he’s taken or likes someone else, etc)) [It’s called “Gut Instinct”, Liss. You’ll learn to follow it, One Day…] (I earned $16.25 at work today – almost missed the train) He came and sat next to me on the train too. I think he likes me – but it’s probably just my IMAGINATION (again) It’s 12:45. I’m exhausted. Mark W – is the only thing on my mind. Kissed me – not proper tho just a kiss on lips! [So this was it. As close to an ‘official date’ as one can get, to falling for a ‘First Love’. Note: I didn’t say TRUE Love!]

Sunday 16/3/86

Couldn’t stop thinking about last night → Mark & the stupid things I said. Mark, oh, Mark, I wish you liked me. A lot. Very much → nuts about me. I woke at 9:30. I couldn’t believe it myself!! over 8hrs sleep! Today I did work for my Bio assignment. Stupid, huh? It’s not even definitely due Tues. And english is due tomorrow And I HAVEN’T STARTED. I’M DEAD. I’ll hafta wake early & write something crappy I SWEAR, over Easter break I will do at least 2 assignments. I’m so glad I went to that party – I made friends (got to know people better) esp. Mark, Keith, Ann Marie, Heather, Tarquin, Tricia mostly Mark (& Keith I s’pose) Is 8:40 early nite please! Fixed my room properly today → heaps more room!