Romeo Rejections, Dogs In Space & a Police Raid (23-29 November)

Monday 23/11/87

Woken at 8:00, I got to Mark’s and kept on writing the letter, even thru’ our trip (with Cameron) into town & KMart. [I explained what this letter was all about in the previous post but to recap I was trying to pen something (‘massive’ …like a novel) for him to read on his overseas family holiday.] Back at his place, I finished it – 11 pages (not bad considering the time I had)). At the airport, we waited, had a drink. Was kinda sad .. only 3 or 4 kisses (1 long-ish) before he left. Would’ve loved to go with them. [Was it even an option? I mean, apart from being unable to afford it, I don’t even remember being invited…] EUROPE! Imagine it?!!? Wow, I’m so tired. It’s after 12:30. I need sleep badly. Not really missing Mark – had fun without him tonite. [So you’re not as dependent as you thought you were?] A Life in WordsJo rang (well I rang her) at home & we went into town & walked around. I saw Stewart – I know he would’ve seen us- I avoided him …(god, I wish I hadn’t lost that friendship. I do like him more also, I know) Jo came to my place. Reddy [a deliberate misspelling] & went to hair show practise. At awards, Jeffry M actually talked to me, but was trying to con on to CB obviously. Found out thru mima – [privacy omission]‘s got a reputation at Saints and also a rumour that Mark got back with me before he went away so I’d remain faithful to him. Well, if I got a chance at the BIG TIME Stewart or PHILLIP) too bad, Marky!! [Beyond the obvious fickleness and superficiality, this comment bespeaks of indignation (if the rumour was true, how dare he?) and further, a desire for ‘justice’ – or retribution (if the rumour was true and if the opportunity arose, “….you’re history”…] After, went to Backpackers – but mainly SCANDALS. Chris H dropped me home.

Tuesday 24/11/87

Busy day! Rang Fi around 10:15 – (got up at 9:20, or so – long sleep I needed) She picked me up around 10:45, 11:00. We (Mima & Fi & I) went into town.. did nothing spectacular: put film in to be processed . . .  looked around Hilton shops. Went to Earlville for a little while, then (dropping off to get my togs) went to Crystal’s. Sunbaked (so hot!!) only a little while – the shade from trees came quickly. Leaving, NSW guys “dragged” us on Intake Road (oh! Fi let me drive to Crystals [good god, that was dangerous Fi!] -part the way -was good, but gear changes at beginning were – um – funny) […in other words, not great…] Saw David at Redlynch shop, Went to Esplanade Rang mum told her what I was doing (on answering machine). Went to indoor soccer. Cameron V.B’s nice (but Aaron K’s body – YUM!) Saw Cameron, then home by 7:30. Mum & Julia not -house unlocked, no note; I worried [about them] but they came saying Mr B died this morning (cancer) & they went to briefly see Mrs F .. stayed for tea (coffee). I Watched TV tonite. It’s 10:00- I need sleep for tomorrow night BIG nite out! (Hope Phillip’s there. Or Stuart or Cameron’ll (V.B.) do!) Gam On!! [Wow, I thought I’d long outgrown that word! “Gammon” was a term we inherited from Aboriginal & Islander kids at primary school and had a myriad of different meanings A Life in Words(as the Macquarie Dictionary – and Urban dictionary, see pic – confirms) but pretty much all connoting untruth or unreality… In this particular instance I’d’ve meant “As if!”] Mm! Sleep! Gonna get brown & skinny & blonde, I am!! everyone practically says “so are you missing Mark?” I hate to say yes, but feel like a bitch saying NO. [The agony of independance and pride versus compassion and potential judgement by others…]

A Life in Words
The advent of digital cameras (still a decade away at this point in time) erased the pain of ‘memories lost’ due to the sometimes problematic photography equipment on hand the 80’s.

Wednesday 25/11/87

SO HOT! Woke around 8:00…rang Jemima around 9:30 – said Fiona was spending the day with Jason & she wanted to stay home, so I prepared to spend a day at home alone, myself. I sunbaked briefly (& it went a bit red tonite, too!) Mum came home – I got dressed, we dropped Julia at school & I picked up photos- my 36 exp. [exposure] film was … totally BLANK. I was so mad with myself – all those great shots of Monday night, down the drain. [You youngsters will never know this pain; one of the best technological developments ever was the digital camera. It is however arguable whether that function added to mobile phones has been all positive…] SHIT. But the “last day of school” photos are excellent! […I must have put two separate cannisters of film in for processing?] I went to Sahara – tried on my bikinis and had 2nd thoughts- I look disgusting in 2 piece [We are our own worst critics, and I was. Yes okay, I still can be…] (I am so hot) Glyn, Chris & Cameron visited me at home: I was putting the photos in albums. Lazed afternoon away: phone calls to & from people Got ready; mima took me to Jude’s & her dad took us to town. We caught a taxi to the Hill & [privacy omission] only got asked for I.D. Inside there were quite a few but not too many people we knew. We weren’t really raging .. I had an explosion with Jude – didn’t do anything .. then I saw him (with Jemila talking) – (Jeff M & Phil N were there too) PHILLIP C! I went up & talked a little .. then we went & sat near his friends. I talked to Deanne & he went away→

Thursday 26/11/87

→ said ‘Bye’ and kind of held up his hand in a wave. Great! “He doesn’t like me” ..so I went and found Jude & Joannah & I complained. [It’s just wrong that you can’t have everything you want in Life, isn’t it?] But somehow, I found him again. (dancing!) and I stuck with him for the rest of the night! Talking (sitting) The best I got was a brief hold of his hand before a dance.. I tried but he wasn’t responding [oh this is painful!] (doesn’t he like me or doesn’t he know how to act?) [I’ve since learnt it’s pretty much always the former: it becomes pretty easy to discern whether or not someone is really “into you”…] Well outside (he was walking home to a friend’s place) he gave me one little kiss on the lips and said “just get in the car!” [And there it is…] So I did. A Life in WordsThis morning I woke at 10:30.. did nothing till I rang Jo. She came round & picked me up. At her place (I met Sara) we watched “DOGS IN SPACE” (a really poor recording) then went to her dad’s office – to make lots of phonecalls about Kelvin Grove interviews (& her folio) we waited till about 5:30 before Sara came then to Earlville : [privacy omission]! Then out to pick up Mrs C. [privacy omission] had the biggest row in the car .. at Smithfield, Saw Stewart. I didn’t speak .. we were late back to the car ..another fight! At Jo’s place- another fight! [Privacy omission] made dinner, but dropped the dish as she was carrying it out to the table – really upset her. Played cards after a (make-shift) dinner: then fell asleep on the

Friday 27/11/87

→horrible, hard loungeroom floor. Woke so much during the night. Jemima rang & invited Jo (she didn’t know I was there) to her place for a swim (with Cameron, Chris, Glyn, Brent & Fi) then lots of phone calls – one from Stewart. I only talked for 2 mins. I think.. “if I see you out, I see you out”. “Definitely” he said. So I wasted much of the morning playing patience [aka the card game Solitaire. My mum had always called it Patience…] while Jo was in the phone. then Fi came & picked me up after 11:00-11:30 sometime. Watched end of GOLDEN CHILD then Chris, Cam, Glyn, Fi, Mim & I went to Crystals. was really nice – I got burnt – but not so bad it’ll peel… Chris had to leave early for a driving lesson: Cam, mima & I waited for Fi & Glyn’s return (the bitches went to KFC) [!! LOL] at Mima’s Glyn had to leave – but we sat in the pool “playing games”. Then they dropped me home first. I rang Sharon, then Jo. Fi rang said she’d find us in town. Sharon got to my place (I was freaking out about what to wear.) [That used to happen regularly] In town – boring – we went to watch the HILTON OPENING FIREWORKS. Lotsa tonnesa people there!A Life in Words Met Cam & Chris .. we all went to KFC for tea. Then picked up Glyn (dropping off Cameron) At HOTH, [security] were really strict [about identification] (let us sign the book) […this basically being a registry of club patrons’ (who failed to produce satisfactory identification) personal details – Statutory Declarations – which the venue could use to absolve itself of responsibility in the event of a subsequent legal matter.] got a stamp. Rumours that→

Saturday 28/11/87

←there was gonna be a raid . . . boring to start with (I saw that Darren S guy) [a drunken pash candidate from a few weeks back] Finally “upstairs” opened: still no people. Around 12:00, Sharon & I sat with these older guys she knew, and there came the Police. [Two or three uniformed, if I recall correctly] I was a little nervous, but it was fine. Sharon nicked off after that & I got pissed off [with her]. Stewart was there. I stood with him and Smithfield mob – Shane L, Matthew, Axel & his friend Phil, when the Pigs came back in – Sharon virtually “ran” away. I stayed put & they didn’t give me a second glance. Eventually I talked to Stewart (after dancing with Shane) and he couldn’t give a reply. . told him all I felt (in brief – I wasn’t even the slightest bit drunk) [oh dear, really?] and he said he could still fall in love with me, […Liss, if it hasn’t happened by now…] but basically (I made him tell me before he left) [hey, everyone needs closure right?] he chose not to. Just be good friends, really good friends. [Oh E, it’s been obvious for SO long…] So Sharon (got with Steve from the Intern. Hostel.(!!)) & I got a lift home. I woke around 10:00 to a phone call from her. my throat so sore. Jo rang & I had a penecillan. A Life in Words[Yeah, no worries …just randomly pop an antibiotic pill whenever you feel like it. I don’t remember Mum having such a diverse collection of pharma at home.] Bludged the rest of the day: Mike came over in the afternoon – left & came back for dinner. Mima & everyone picked me up just after 8:00. Went (picked up Peter & Colleen) to Esplanade (saw Sharon very briefly & were bible-bashed!!) Party was MASSIVE .. so many people! We went & got VODKA Colleen & I  & I had orange .. Having an excellent time (I’d rung Phillip twice before – he was at the party) & I found out Phillip likes Kate H [I’d gotten the surname wrong…]

Sunday 29/11/87

→the guy (whose place he stayed at Wed. nite) sister. (Gr 10, or so). We talked, anyway (shortly) The party ended at 10:50. cause someone vomitted upstairs. So angry! It was such an excellent party.. so we went in search of irene St one ..Jason P told me Mark R likes me. Ha! [Ironic because I’d had a crush on him a few years back…] I was pretty drunk. Funny- I said “he doesn’t remember me” ..he said “well he dragged me round trying to point you out….” la-de-da! So that party was rather dead, too.. then I fell asleep in Fi’s car on the way home (stopped at 24Hr Serv. Stn). Woke late, round 10:00 this morning & bludged the day, till just after 2:00 (after phone calls to Jo…) I waxed my armpits, then mum drove me to Palm Cove.. Jo shut the shop for 5 mins – we got an ice-cream & went to see the surf-carnival, [knowing there’d be some hot bods there… and some of particular interest…] but discovered on the way it was over (heard the loudspeaker presentations) at shop again – waited outside ..saw Fi, mima, Sue, brent & talked ages to Crabbie. Phillip apparently went past in the McM’s car. At home, rushed ate tea & mima & fi & I went to Drive In. A Life in WordsPolice Academy IV made me sick.. the idea’s wearing very thin. The LOST BOYS was excellent (unbeknown to us, beforehand, it was a horror movie about vampires) […well I wouldn’t really class it as a horror film now…] Scared us shitless! But was excellent (my door slammed shut for no reason & we packed it!) [“Packing it” refers to fright. It seems to be a lesser known slang phrase we used since I can’t find the exact context for it, even in the Urban Dictionary. I guess it may correlate to pooping (packing) your pants with fear..?] I stayed mima’s (Fi, her & me talked about old times for ages, then Fi took Brent home.)

Kicking the Wall, Drunk at the Dance & Moonlighting (26 October-1 November)

Monday 26/10/87

Well, that was one hard exam (3 actually: 15 min english, then 20min math, then 1¾hr fashion design/knowledge exam. HARD!!!) Jo & I then went into town, spent the whole arvy there and at 3:15 caught town bus [back] to school… went [home] on St’s bus ..no Philip C. Geoff was on it- I said hello & goodbye: thought “what if he thought I caught the bus to see him!” [You’ll never know, huh?] SKINT – [privacy omission] reckon’s he’s vain enough (to think it) Jemima & Anna & Danae knew about Geoff & me: gave me a bit about it: if all the Yr11 girls know -Jenny’ll find out for sure, GREAT. [Uh huh. I wasn’t sure whether we had kissed outside the club on Saturday night (see previous blogpost) because I hadn’t specifically mentioned it, but this makes it pretty clear. Jenny must have been his girlfriend? My bad.] Cameron came over this arvy- said he’s not going out with CB, Mima said Mark only talked to Nicole after school; Fiona didn’t see them at all, same as Cameron. I found out Chris likes me (Cameron said it then made it a joke – but I know he meant it cause he asked me what I thought..) Apparently that night Mark & Nicole went for a swim at Edge Hill State School Pool while Cameron & CB occupied a free house there. Cameron thinks [privacy omission]– but he wouldn’t know for sure.

A Life in Words
Unless my memory has failed me, this used to be the Park Royal hotel, on Abbott Street. It’s now known as the Pullman Cairns International.

So hot today! Got quite a few compliments today! Jo & I got 13 whistles, 2 catcalls as we walked past the Park Royale today!! [Wow, to be so excited by sexist heckling? I’m thinking the Park Royal – one of the first 5 star high-rise hotels in the CBD – was under construction at this point in tme… because I can’t imagine hotel staff or guests gesturing to two schoolgirls in this way…] Dad wasn’t there [at his workplace] when I went to get money so I didn’t get any. I could easily slip into the habit of missing school. 2day was fun! [hmmm, such rebelliousness…]

Tuesday 27/10/87

We got on so well today. I felt a little sick (jealousy) only once (or twice) when Nicole was around. Mark & her have hickies on their necks. Mark got embarrassed.. I kept poking them, so they stay longer. (Why the hell would I do that?) [Because you were enjoying his discomfort. It was a minor yet satisfying form of ‘retribution’…] Joking a lot – getting on so well! He said & did some affectionate things. Gave me songwords- to do with him being faithful? I don’t think he knows about Jeffry or even Stuart. (But nothing’s come of those …yet – Stuart.) A Life in WordsHad a modelling practise [for our CAD art fashion parade] today at lunch time. And Mrs McI visited this arvy. Didn’t see Phillip on the bus: (didn’t catch it ’cause had to take paintings to get stretchers) Saw Jeff tho. God he’s got beautiful eyes. when will I give Stuart his tie back? [LOL, that’s right! This was the fashion era of skinny ties for the blokes. Hilarious!] God I hope Phillip goes to the exhib. opening! [Within a matter of seconds I’d had three separate thoughts about three different guys. Distracted much?] Tonite I cut out the pattern pieces for my silver dress & sewed the lining to each. (took all nite) At one stage I got so angry, I kicked the wall (bathroom – outside) & the plasterboard broke – there’s a hole there now. Mum got so upset – I felt really bad. [I remember this vividly. Mum had pretty much always reacted to my temper so well (even though it had concerned her enough in my youth to warrant visiting a specialist and having an EEG to check my brain function…) but this straw broke the camel’s back: because the house we lived in was unfinished, the very last thing she needed was yet another expense to add to the list of unaffordable jobs. As I’ve said before, we were not financially comfortable. Mum worked tirelessly not just to support the three of us, but to build a home, and I was totally taking her for granted. As much as it pains me knowing I upset her, I’m thankful that mum reacted as she did, and forced me into a momentary ‘awakening’: surpassing my Ego to expose some Compassion.] SO HOT! A Life in WordsI am so behind. english ass., art ass.’s, study + revision, letters to write concerning unis & colleges .. I need more time & money . . . [First World problems. Seriously.]

Wednesday 28/10/87

The radio just said it’s 12:06. I have had such an unreal time! I am still drunk, excuse my expressions! Today was really good. Started off by seeing Stuart, although he didn’t look at me, as he talked (riding to school with jay) God, I could love Him! [Um, sorry, what? You “could love” someone who won’t look you in the eye when he’s talking to you? Elissa, come on. You are, however, writing this in a highly intoxicated state, so your comprehension is definitely compromised…] But Mark & I got on excellently. He hung around Nicole a bit, but he gave me a note tonite (“Mark loves Elissa 4eva”. WOW! I am so drunk. I got barely anywork done- I don’t feel like sleeping -just dreaming. Jeffrey was there tonite- don’t think he likes me much. [But that’s okay because I have so many other ‘distractions’…] I asked David to make Phillip come to the art exhibition. I went to Croc Rock with A. Marie, Megan Sharon (slept in the car) & Chris H. I am so drunk – I must ring Stuart in the morning- he rang me tonite. oh I could love that guy but I want Phillip too. I am so confused at the moment I need to sleep. I’ve had such a GREAT Day! (NigHt actually) A Life in Words[I’m fairly certain this was the one and only school dance I went to intoxicated. I have a vivid recollection of sharing a bottle of Stone’s Green Ginger wine (which I hated, but drank purely for the effects) with a couple of girlfriends on the Esplanade before heading to the dance at school. This is the only fragment of memory – I don’t recall getting to the dance at all…]

Thursday 29/10/87

It’s 11:12. I’m so tired, but I haven’t got even half of this assignment done I should get it finished, tho. (How?) I’ll have tomorrow’s lesson to write it out.) I’m so HOT. I had a good day. I rang Stewart [decided to spell his name differently today?] this morning – he said he’d just rung to talk. (I said I thought it was urgent – bad) & he said “the opposite actually. He drove me to school [oh again! That’s so cool…] we get on so well- so easy to talk. He said sorry he hadn’t rung earlier in the week – he’d been doing a lot of thinking. Now, what am I going to do? I’ve told him to come to the art exhib. open. (can’t wait! There are going to be tonnes of people there! I can’t wait!) left school at big lunch (got material finished printed in art) A Life in WordsBludged at home (should’ve started this damn assignment then) Only started after “MOONLIGHTING” [I loved this show. And it launched Bruce Willis’s career.] 9:30 Shit Thank god mum’s got a book on British History! [Yes kids, we had to use actual books for all our research in the 80’s…] so tired. so hot. I heard mice or rats running on the roof just a sec. ago. [We’d had a pretty gnarly experience earlier in the year (see this post) with the discovery of a dead rodent in a bagful of clothes, so I would’ve been a bit perturbed by the idea of these creatures infesting our house again…] I think I’ll go to bed & wake & finish this in the morning. I want to go out tomorrow nite – so bad! (Get Stewart to) Got on really well with Mark – I have to talk to him soon to find out what’s going on – I think he likes Nicole – I must make him “choose”. [LOL. So very naive…]

Friday 30/10/87

Boring. That’s all that can be said. Got to school rather late: Joannah wasn’t there: I went to the library for only 3 minutes! Did a fair bit in double english, but needed to do more work on the assignment – in art – 3rd, little lunch, 4 & 5th lessons! At big lunch Mark seemed in an untalkative mood. Then Nicole came up (Glyn first actually) & he was fine. He sat on the stone “bench” with his legs apart & she leant on the ledge in between them. when mum picked me up, I just about balled my eyes out. Then we had a 1½hr wait at the hospital, […for what?] before finally leaving to pick up Jules & buy some stuff for the exhib Back at clinic at 3:40, & got in to the doctor at 4:30. [hospital? clinic? doctor? What? Please explain! …I literally have no recollection of this.] Home rather late …few phone calls. Sharon & I went to Playpen (free) [free entry] Jo & Mark [B.] were there (Stewart worked tonite) Sharon & I left. House On the Hill was nearly just as dead. Sharon was drunk & cranky. Nigel took us home. [This next sentence proves I had actually written this entry the next day …which often happened when I had big nights out.] I bombed out & felt very, very tired in the morning. [ [“Very, very tired” on Saturday morning, when I woke up…]

A Life in WordsSaturday 31/10/87

Got up & went to finish buying exhib. stuff – I was so tired. At home, worked very slowly on outfits. [Sewing my creations for the fashion parade at the CAD art exhibition] Sat alone while mum & Julia were at Mike & Cynthia’s thinking about Mark & Stewart & Philip -getting all (very) pessimistic. Jo & Nigel came round & stayed a while – I was boring them. When they left mum & jules came home. I started to get really depressed so I rang Mark. I didn’t want to talk on the phone – he couldn’t get to my place I asked what he did last nite – said visited Steven & he & Cam. went to Deanne’s for pizza. When I rang cameron after, he said they went to Nicole’s. He said Mark does like Nicole (A bit more than a friend) so I only just got off the phone before balling my eyes out. Fi rang & I rang Jude. Picked Jude up about 8:15. Got to the Aboriginal party (Mooroobool) [Irene Street, for those who remember. I think it was literally at Kangaroos Leagues (football) Club…?] & heaps of people, but the party was DEAD. Mark, Nicole, Cameron & CB all arrived together in a taxi, so that really dulled my nite to start with. On the lookout for Stewart, but he never showed

Sunday 1/11/87

→Mark had to come up to me first. I was kind of pissed off or upset – I wasn’t going to talk first. Then, I kind of walked off.. he came up a second time, but I did it again. Then he seemed to be angry with me. He was kind of resisting Nicole must’ve said something cos’ she stayed out of his way a lot. Wonder if he was depressed about me? (Don’t flatter yourself Elissa) Brett took Jude & I to the Hill, Mark was in the car -left Nicole at the party. (That’s not nice, Marky) Wonder what he did after that? HOTH was DEAD too. I had the worst weekend – no one, no body, nothing- just wasted money. I talked to Dean L in Victor’s car (drank goon) a while before getting a cab home. Made myself sick, [as in, vomitted] then bombed. At school, I touched up paintings while Jude mounted her work. A Life in WordsJo came late: Jo, Megan, Jude & I went to Kentucky 4 lunch ..fash. parade practise for Jo at It’s Williams (boring). Our practise at school was FUN! After, mum took Jo & Jude here [to our house] too.. they watched TV while I sewed. I did a lot tonite – shoes done, bracelet done. Brown outfit almost totally complete. It’s really late now- & I’m tired. BUSY day 2morrow!!

Sexism, Competition, Jealousy & the Saints’ Bus (19-25 October)

Monday 19/10/87

What a day. Well it’s almost 11:30 & I must get to sleep. I need it for biol. exam tomorrow, which I should pass, luckily, but not do very well in. [Oh so you only need sleep for exams, not study as well?] I worked out I had 9hrs sleep during the whole weekend. Um-ah! [Yeah, you know it] I talked to Nicole today, as much as I didn’t want to, but it’s good that I did, ’cause I talked all about keith & his stupid phone call. [..and that’s good, how?] Glyn B. told me what I didn’t want to hear – that Mark went to Nicole: it wasn’t the other way round. He was on a geography excursion, but came for biol. & we good on pretty good. I missed Donna’s bus but luckily mum dropped me to her place. Nikki came over & took us to Earlville; the tutoring was good .. I understood a bit, but tonite’s study (myself) was O.K. too. My oral in english went so well! I only stuffed up really badly once & I was praised mostly. It was the first time in my life  I wasn’t nervous doing an oral. Funny! [Yes, that is. Like the majority of the population I fear speaking in front of a large group of people.] God, it’s getting hot so quickly. Jo was away today. [Privacy omission] said that they’re all out (all?) to root (use) [privacy omission], then piss her off. Meanies (but doesn’t bother me) A Life in Words[It’s not at all difficult to ascertain what was said here, despite the omissions: even if there was no truth behind it, the statement reflects the appalling chauvinist attitude of which many (a ‘faceless majority’ of) men seem to be guilty. The really sad part is my response: a very benign ‘disapproval’ (bordering on sarcastic) and worse, nonchalance – because it’s not directed personally at me. It actually demonstrates a general ‘acceptance’ that “it’s just the way it is”. I am so glad that, at this point in time, some of these sexist attitudes are finally being brought to light: A Life in Wordsthere’s currently more public conversation about women’s rights, ranging from the hideous issue of domestic violence, through to pay equality. It must continue so that today’s youth don’t adopt and/or learn to accept these dreadful attitudes.] Mark’d better step up his act. I must do heaps of work -am so behind & running very short of time. Got to write letters to DDIAE & QCWA about accomodation next year! [Applying for (mostly fine art) courses at tertiary institutions in South East Queensland, accommodation was obviously necessary. The Darling Downs Institute of Advanced Education (DDIAE) in Toowoomba had resident accommodation while the A Life in WordsQCWA (Queensland Country Women’s Association) operated (and still does) a boarding house for students attending different institutions in Brisbane.]

Tuesday 20/10/87

I feel a terrible jealousy whenever I see Nicole within 10 metres of Mark. I’m sure she’s after him again, now that I’ve told her we’re not going out still-she’s always around, trying to talk to him. But he’s noticing me above her, I know. [You know? For sure?] He looks at me a fair bit. I think he’s falling in love with me all over again- a different, more loving & strong love. [Oh my god. How many surreal happy-ending Hollywood romances does it take to develop such an unrealistic attitude toward love and romance?] I don’t know! [Too right you don’t know!] Caught the bus & at school Cameron told us about Steven’s accident- last night on his way home From work a lady hit him – he’s got contusion of the lung, bruised kidneys, cracked ribs & leg broken in 3 places. A Life in WordsPoor guy – two crashes in one year. [He had been one of the ‘luckier’ passengers in our ill-fated bus crash earlier in the year, but this motorcycle accident tested his luck and most certainly left him in worse physical condition…] But there’ve been so many accidents this year. [I wonder what others I’m referring to?] Mima also told me the Perrems had left [town]. I got a bit upset for a few minutes. I wish they’d said goodbye. [I had it stuck in my head (for many years) that Monique’s parents – particularly her mother – didn’t want to see me because it was too painful for them: they only associated me with her. Her father as much as said so when he visited us some weeks after the accident. It’s in the opening lines of this post from March.] Biol exam was hard. I could pass, but I wouldn’t do well. Mark had lotsa trouble, too. Got so much work to do and I never seem to get around to it. [Even if you hadn’t suddenly become a party animal, you’re a born procrastinator Liss…] Jo was away again. I made a big calendar type thing, with all my due dates etc. [Hilarious. Spend your time drafting a schedule of due dates, instead of doing the actual work. But this does demonstrate my affinity for Structure & Organisation – if not Action…] Time is going very quickly. Ugh! Got my catalogue entries for [art] exhibition done. 3 paintings, my 3 drawings + 2 I want to do also + my bag. Fash. Parade – 2 outfits I have yet to make. Ugh!

Wednesday 21/10/85

Well, I was very mad today- I could’ve killed her, honestly. But I’m fine now (I guess it’s because I’m at home and I can’t see her near him.) He got a bit moody today it’s just the same – I should break away. It doesn’t bother me, that’s all. (that’s why, I mean) [Um, what? I’m reading this as “I don’t break away because his moodiness doesn’t bother me” …which is total bullshit. Because I’ve said as much – not to mention been quite upset by it – numerous times in the past. Perhaps I was trying to convince myself ‘otherwise’ …attempting positivity?] Boring day- didn’t see Steven. having his op. today. I’m sure Mark’s testing me deliberately. [Hmmm…] Well, I don’t care: I rang Sharon tonight & we’re going out Friday (’cause she’s going to that Mission Beach Party Weekend on Saturday night) and hopefully will get Stuart to come (and Nigel – get stoned instead of drunk) I’ll try to talk to Mark anyway & encourage him to come out ..I think I’ll need another talk to him this .weekend too. Getting to be a habit! (But it’s good – it should be a habit) [Mmmmm, really? Talking is a waste of time and energy if it leads nowhere…] A Life in WordsDid little chem. HW tonite – in town this arvy, Philip N YUM said hello to me – my name! WOW! But when I rang Jo, she said (I killed myself) that for the first time in 5 weeks, PHILLIP C caught the bus. AAAARGH! I could’ve killed myself for missing out on seeing him! [LOL. It’s so funny watching my attention swing from one guy to another. For someone with such emotional depth, it seems quite contradictory…]

Thursday 22/10/85

A Bad day, but great, too! It was really bad today- he was not talking to me at all. Things came to a head when I went to talk to him at big lunch- soon he walked away to Keith and Nicole and talked to them. In front of me. I walked out and couldn’t stop the flow [of tears]. Didn’t stop till before I went into art room. Then in art, I was in a really bad mood. My first public display of temper, EVER. [I’m not normally one to make a scene…] I swore, and had the sour-est face and wouldn’t talk to anyone practically. In english I thought & talked to Donna, then after school I talked [to him]. He was angry .. instead of being his doormat, I’d gone to the extreme, being a really nasty sarcastic bitch, [??] which really annoyed him. But he gave me a 2nd chance. [A second chance? At what? I can’t recall the exact circumstances but this seems …’irrelevant’ to me.] And I cried & laughed at the same time. [Quite a pertinent reaction to a …ridiculous scenario.] He said “you’re a funny girl” I hugged him. then again. (Nicole didn’t look too happy with me) He left And I caught the St’s bus with Jo – sat next to . . YES! PHILLIP C!! WOW! Yummy Yummy Yummy! [Clearly one may be attracted to numerous people simultaneously…] A Life in WordsI talked so much – In fact, he probably thinks I’m  a chatterbox. [One of my intrinsic nervous reactions …to avoid uncomfortable silences…] Oh dear! But God, he’s gorgeous! Tom Cruise- with blonde hair, blue-green eyes, square teeth & slim face. Well, I can see it. [If you are reading this Phil, and are offended by this comparison, I apologise profusely. For what it’s worth, many females (including me, obviously) thought Tom Cruise was a hottie …back in the day, at least.] YUM Late nite with Sharon. Mark & Cam were there, but didn’t see them.

Friday 23/10/87

An O.K. day at school. Didn’t really talk to Mark untill after school .. I came late this morning – during double english, went to art room (2nd period) and spent all time in there (getting very angry sometimes) [with my work, I assume] up till big lunch- talked with Glyn, Cameron, Brett, Vikki, Lisa, Jason- in Yr11 area – was good. Big thing about [privacy omission] being a slut .. rumours she screwed Mark (Found out that she screwed Steven, outside the Playpen the week before; first time) and she’s really angry with [privacy omission] – I don’t know! Talked after school & sat & waited till the Saints bus went past. Philip was on it again sitting by the window & we waved at each other! He is so gorgeous! I’m flipped out! [You don’t say?] Late home: (julia at Ms Forbes) Got ready & Sharon & I went to Playpen about 9:30 (got in sequills for free) [Sequills was the Playpen’s lounge bar and for awhile proved to be our cheapest and easiest way in, since it could be accessed not only from inside the nightclub but also via its own separate street entrance. With no cover charge (and more laid-back security) under-aged patrons like us were ‘blessed’. Of course, management eventually cottoned on…] Had a drink then left. At HOTH (the Hill) [you know how you start using acronyms when things become ‘regularities’…] found Nigel outside. A Life in WordsWe got stoned (my eyes were so red- I was really embarrassed) […first hint of paranoia…] Stuart came in later & I went outside again with Nigel. Found Stuart again & we got together.. [yeah again, this is just kissing, people…] I thought OK at the time, but some things that happened led me to believe I was the butt of a joke – that it was a dare. […hmmm, paranoia again, perhaps?] I really hurt him

Saturday 24/10/87

→when I finally said something. He went off & I found Sharon. She “revved” him about using me -then he wanted to talk to me. He was basically saying “I think I’m falling in love with you” It was no joke. I was so confused. [An easy state to experience while you’re stoned…] They gave us (me) a lift home. (Mikey & Praybon had been telling me he talks about me all the time at school- has depressions about me. I thought they were going a bit far) [Yeah, that does sound pretty dodgy…] I woke 7:45- Sharon came in 4:20, apparently. (20 minutes after me) she missed her bus, so we took her in, when we went in to get dress (artwork) material. Stuart rang when I got home. He said nothing about his words last night – a short phone call before he left for Mission Bch. A few phone calls: around 12:00, Mark rang & said he’d be around to take us (Fi&I) to Crystal’s. It was so nice. I tried my hardest not to be stupid, yet nasty. (Actually it wasn’t hard) [WTF? This doesn’t even make sense.] A Life in WordsA few affectionate seconds between us. After hamburgers, home! Slept (Mr B visited mum) Phone calls galore late in the day. Fi came & we left here at 6:40. David wasn’t ready …by the time we left there it was 7:10. Stopped in at W’s- got Sandra’s I.D. for Fiona ..Mark asking who was in the car (sus?) said he wasn’t going out. Got to odeon at 8:15 or 7:45?? […in other words, I have no idea when we got there…] Went to Esplanade instead. Then saw Jo at the Deb. Ball. Found Jude, CB & Nicole outside movies. Nicole & CB went to Playpen to wait for Cameron (& of course, I guessed, Mark) A Life in WordsJude, David, Jason, Fi & I went to Jason’s with a bottle of TiaMaria. Got very happy before going→

Sunday 25/10/87

to Croc. Rock. Mark was there. Cameron, CB & Nicole. Nicole was trying very hard – talking etc. Mark seemed nonchalant about me, and I was bubbling with rage inside. [Privacy omission] told me that when I told him (before) who was in the car: Fiona, Jason & David – he ‘froze up’ (got pissed off) and I think that’s why  he got with Nicole ..to piss me off. But I didn’t show it, one bit (To him, anyway)+Everyone I saw I told them I wanted to strangle her or rip her head off her shoulders. [Oh that’s nice. Not to mention classy.] I want him for me! [I want, I want… In the immortal words of Mick Jagger “you can’t always get what you want”] Geoff M & Dean L came – we all danced (Jude too) then Fi said they were going (by this time I’d had an explosion (cocktail) and was v. “gone”) [these flammable cocktails had by now become a ritual for me…] I scabbed money for taxi & stayed with Geoff & Dean. Geoff & I went outside and sat & then we talked a lot. I told him I liked Phillip N as well as C. (mistake!) [Yep, as mentioned in previous posts, me and alcohol = blabbermouth. My dad used to say “the drunken tongue speaks the sober mind” so why was it necessarily a mistake? Ain’t nothing wrong with being open and honest…or I’ve made a serious error in creating this blog…] We got a taxi home – him to Esplanade – (Phillip N’s house) & me, on to Freshy! Woke, really hot around 9:00. Wasted whole day-no HW done. Nigel & Sharon came around 3:00, got Jo & went to Crystals ..talked. what hurts is to think how he might’ve spent today with her, because CB & Cameron are together again (I think or I suppose) I thought maybe someone’d ring today. No one, apart from Jo. I need sleep. I need to do my english assignment. I’ve lost weight – 59kgs!! Am so tired. So bored. so confused, a little anxious & hurt. I need PHILLIP C. (Jo said at Croc Rock sat. nite she said hi to him for me & he said “A BIG hello” back! […hang on, YOU were at Crocodile Rock on Saturday night too… how did you miss him? It must’ve been a timing thing…]

Catching A Ride, Cleaning the Slate & A Kiss Fest (12-18 October)

Monday 12/10/87

A Life in Words
So ‘teen American’…the cool guy driving a hot chick to school in his sweet ride…

Stuart drove us to school today: Jo & I (!!) [I remember reveling in this experience because it felt so uber-cool …you know, American culture wherein the hotshot guy gives his chick a ride to school?] And we arrived, just as people began to assemble for parade. [Oh, what a shame; that means no one would’ve seen you? Bugger.] Double chem went well – doing experiments. Jeez, the weekend seemed so long! Like holidays! So busy & so much fun! Saw Mark outside his maths class, but walked on past .. bopped him with my art [as in, with my my artwork rolled up into a ‘tube’ then used (lightly) as a baton] at end of little lunch & said Hi. Double art was fun & I was generally so happy today- couldn’t get a smile off my face! Big lunch I spent finishing QTAC forms etc [I’d spent the day prior drafting an application for ‘Special Consideration’ to submit to the authorities (QTAC) responsible for calculating my TE (tertiary entrance) score, pertaining to the accident and its potentially detrimental effects – both direct & indirect – upon my studies. I included a copy of the finished draft so if you’d like to check it out head back to last week’s post for a squizz] (had to escort police to library, wow!) [What for? Why ‘wow’? …it’d be nice to know…] then, talked to Mark, but he talked to Mr Stopford, so I went to artroom to get my tape when I came back talked to Fi, & he walked past & (get this!) PINCHED MY BUM! It was so unexpected. I felt so happy & excited & shocked! [Really? I mean, is it really that big a deal?] WOW! Talked after school, too (not much in biol.) Jo told Nigel about me ([smoking] dope) I told Nigel not to say a word to anyone. [Not the right kind of ‘cool’, in your books Liss?] Sharon rang tonite: she’s bitching at David (good on her) [Again, why? What happened? I can’t remember the story!] & she said something about Fi & Jason (did they…?)→ Saturday night. [I had to consider whether or not to omit this for privacy reasons but decided that, since it was merely speculation (read: unsubstantiated, therefore just gossip) it was safe to include] Mark said he likes SIGN YOUR NAME [YouTube link below] & that revolting untitled song best. Good choice [‘Sign Your Name’ I meant, as I’d drawn an arrow back to it in my diary] Getting v. hot again now. Am feeling so good! My life’s pretty great at the moment!!

Tuesday 13/10/87

Didn’t talk to him till biology. Laughed a lot. Big lunch, I thought we’d talk, (I was laughing so much because he was staring at me-he found it hard to keep his face straight now & then) but I went to Kentucky Fried with mima, Fi, Lisa Vikki & Sharon (W). [Back in the days before deep frying became a truly cardinal sin, KFC was known by its full title: Kentucky Fried Chicken. The company admitted that its formal name change to the acronym KFC (in the early 1990’s) was a specific PR/marketing move in response to the negative connotations of the word ‘Fried’.] Back at school, he talked in the room with Cameron & Nicole A Life in Words(I felt resentment.. building up inside, but Jo & I joked about it after we “screamed” for fun (for me to release my “anger”) [or stress…] After school, I asked about when we were going to finish our talk. He said “we don’t need to” I was kind of puzzled & he just smiled; so I went. Does that mean we’re together again? [Highly unlikely…] I still want to talk & I’m going to tell him so. I don’t want, in a way, to be “going out” again. . I don’t know. I’ll get jealous & possessive again. [This is quite telling, with the benefit of hindsight] NO! ELISSA, YOU ARE FINE – DON’T THINK ABOUT HIM – PUT YOURSELF FIRST. [Ah that’s the spirit! Great self-pep talk, Liss] It’s 9:42 & one of my all-time fav’s on the radio: You oughta be in love by Dave Dobbyn. [YouTube inclusion below, again, in case you wanna listen. What a musical week it is this week!] I wanna do some HW before I go to sleep. [Well that’s gotta be a first?] Can’t wait for the weekend – what’ll I do? LOTS! Keep busy & stoned on Saturday night, with [privacy omission]. YAY! [This is quite a surprise; I thought I’d said when I first tried it (the week before) that it “didn’t affect me”. So why would I bother doing it again? Especially since I also didn’t want people to know?]

Wednesday 14/10/87

I don’t believe how much I’ve changed in the past month (since breaking up with Mark) I am so much more bold.. more confidence (god knows why) (or how!) [Alcohol, first & foremost. And probably the fact that you’ve discovered other guys seem to be attracted to you, so you may not NEED Mark as much as you previously thought? Only the day before you were unconvinced of the idea of being in a relationship with him again …basically because you didn’t like the person you were when you were with him, so…?] Got on well in bio … big lunch was a let down. I still don’t know for sure if we’re going out – I think it’s a yes. [Really?] He had a mood swing while I was talking to him (happy, talkative) then while I talked with Jo about Stuart, after he became quiet & “distant”. I whispered at the end of lunchtime “I love you” and he smiled. So I thought O.K. but after school he was quiet again + didn’t say goodbye. It hurt, but I got over it quick enough..much more so than I would’ve before. […so you think…] In town after school I was so energetic Saw Stuart – talked (exclusively) to me, at one stage. Jo told me today he tried to make Glyn jealous by saying alot about what he’s done with me (+Jo kind of) Apparently – it’s working(?!) [Oh the games people play…] Not that she really cares. So I’ll have to do something with Mark this weekend. [So? This infers that since Stuart is ‘unavailable’, you need to fill the space with another option… the guy you think you are – or want to be – dating is the second-best option? Tell me again why you are ‘there’?] What? Must talk. [Talk, talk, talk, talk…] Hot! Hot Day: Throat is still persistently sore or aching when I swallow. Couldn’t go to indoor soccer – mum wouldn’t take me in there. A Life in WordsSaw PN this arvy, really shortly tho’ tried to find him but couldn’t – going late nite 2morrow nite hopefully He’ll be there!!! [Girl, you have crushes and infatuations (‘distractions’) going on everywhere at the moment.]

Thursday 15/10/87

So pissed off (no, I hate saying that) angry today. [Hmm, interesting: can’t say I like the word angry these days. I’d rather say pissed off. Oh how we can change…] Started off O.K …not great, but at least he smiled once.. then I didn’t speak till big lunch, & he wasn’t talking to me (That’s what gets me: he says he’s not in a talkative mood, yet he’ll yabber away with anyone but me) said wasn’t angry at me, but fuckin’ tell he was. I was so damned hurt but I recovered faster. Fiona & mum both think it’s still the same, [objective views are usually more on point than subjective…] but it’s not: [sounds like denial?] I’m not depressed as long now, and besides, we’ve made a bad start […er, bad start to what exactly? Relationship Part Two that you are currently guessing you’re in?] -we still need to talk a lot (regardless what he thinks) [LOL, that’s right Liss, you wear the pants! Pffft.] Rang him, but was too busy (PE exam 2morrow) to go to movies or late nite A Life in Words(Went with Sharon & Colleen and had a cool time! Phillip wasn’t there tho’ – either one!!) No one was, in fact (oh – David VM, Wade etc) He’s going out tomorrow night – Sharon & I are too. S’posed to go to the movies with him (well, I proposed it, but he’s deciding) – deliberately delaying – hanging me in the air. [You mean, leaving you hanging…] fucked day. My stars were right – couldn’t impress anyone [Ah, good old newspaper horoscopes…]

Friday 16/10/87

I barely saw him. He appeared to be avoiding me before school. I wasn’t feeling too happy, but wasn’t overly depressed. Did lots of work in art Got out of doing english oral – Nigel had been away & had a medical certificate. After school was the first time I tried to talk to him. He barely spoke (didn’t want to go to the movies) when I asked him why he wasn’t talking to me, said “I’ve got nothing to say.” (Laugh) A Life in WordsI got upset, went off [as in, walked away, not ‘threw a hissy fit’]. Mima came – I calmed down & back there Chris, Cameron & Glyn joked with me (cheer me up). I walked down to Sharon (he left totally oblivious to me) tears.. Mum took me home & I did little until Sharon’s mum took us to town, around 8:15. Met Glyn B. & this girl & Justin – Glyn & Janine S went to Playpen – Sharon, Justin & I drank tequila at the Port Authority building [I’m fairly sure we’d bought a bottle to share between us, but can’t remember whether we had a mixer of some sort or were drinking it ‘neat’. Urgh.] (met the nice night watchman, Bob) [Oh how entertaining that must have been for Bob, interacting with three drunk teenagers. I can almost imagine it, now that I’m probably Bob’s age!] Sharon drank most..when we caught taxi to croc. rock, she was sick. bored at C.R. for 1 hr. got a lift to Playpen- met Stuart P: looking for Glyn.. told she was at croc rock so we drove back – many more people ..better! Sharon was ‘off’ most of the time. I ended up hanging around Giles, Praybon, Alan (met at Smithfield formal) I ended up “with” Alan. [Sorry folks, just kissing. I was still quite ‘innocent’ at this stage…] (Stupid) [regret much?] went outside for a while, then tried to find Sharon – to get a lift home with them. Couldn’t so I thought definitely I wasn’t going to miss out on→

Saturday 17/10/87

a free ride. Mikey O’S drove really fast & around Brinsmead Glen, we caught up to …Stuart! + Sharon! At my place, I got out kissed Alan goodbye and went over to Stuart talking (I was drunk) and ended up kissing him. [Oh you hussy!] God, he’s so nice. Bombed at 3:30. Woken at 7:00, walked Sharon to bus stop. Bludged the whole day: no! Rang Mark & went to his place at 11:00. The best talk we’ve ever had – sorting out. I got upset (well, let him know my feelings) about loyalty [fidelity]. His idea of cheating on someone is is sexual (intercourse) – not kissing That is totally different to mine and most other people’s concepts. TOTALLY. [So, with differing ideas or expectations, the potential for more… ‘discomfort’ in the relationship is greater…] A Life in WordsWe decided on wiping the slate clean “meeting” each other for the first time. ie: pretending we’d only met today & disregard the last 10 months of our knowing each other. [Oh, ’cause that’ll work. Pffft. I couldn’t think of anything worse than going back to Square One. How would you learn from your mistakes if slates were wiped clean?] So he drove me home & we were fine. Around 8:30 tonight we got to Jason’s (Fi & I) then to Sharon’s. The Palm Cove party was dead. Pouring in town, when Fi dropped Sharon & I at the Playpen. Mark & Keith were there. Great. I didn’t know what really to do.. I moved around a lot … bored at first – no money for drinks & not many people I knew. Eventually I ended up hanging round Nicole, Keith & Mark. (Scabbed drinks) [Oh now there’s something to be proud of. Not.] (Jo was cool in the [fashion] parade)-(Stuart still likes her) I thought something→

Sunday 18/10/87

would happen. Mark was paying a fair bit of attention to me. The rest to Nicole (I wasn’t jealous – only maybe now & then, a tinge) She was going to stay at Keith’s ..I presumed she’d get with Mark. We ended up sitting near dance floor – Mark & I biting each others noses (ouch!) A Life in WordsBut sometimes gentle – Biting necks, ears. a few kisses – yeah he turns me on..Stuart and (esp.) Alan don’t.. I get feelings all through me when I kiss Mark. So we’ve only known each other one day & we got together (!!) [*rolls eyes*] I don’t think it will be long till we get back together. In the meantime, I’ll try not to get too possessive. Anyway Sharon wanted to go ..so we got a cab . . I bombed (big hickie on my neck again. Wonder if he gave Nicole one? Wonder if they even got together) Woke around 9:00.. Waited 1½hrs till I had to wake Sharon to ring mum. At home, around 11:30 (went to see Sandra next door..talk about the (her) party) [?? I have no idea what this was about] Wasted the day. Mark rang he ’cause he was given a message that I rang him, but I didn’t: I think maybe Nicole. (no, won’t pin names to anyone) […because you recognised that you were only guessing and the likelihood of your being wrong was great, IF you ever found out at all…] Keith rang & tried his (usual) hardest to get me jealous or curious about Mark & Nicole – he could’ve been lying anyway but I doubt it. Of course it hurts to think he would’ve gotten with her, but it’s none of my business and besides, my weekend wasn’t bad: 3 guys!! that’s a first! [Definitely.] And there’s always Stuart – I’m sure Mark’s jealous of him. I could be bitchy to Nicole, but I realised that’d prove to Mark & Keith that it hurts etc. [In other words, jealousy would be my undoing; displaying weakness.] Mum got drunk at the Fishers today & was very upset depressed about Geoff [he ex-partner].. she slept all arvy into nite. [My mum wasn’t a big drinker at all. She and Geoff would’ve been separated for well over eight months by this stage, so my guess is her depression was merely a result of the alcohol, inflating any existing feelings of loneliness, because to my knowledge she never attempted to resurrect their relationship…]

Beaches, Shots, Cocktails: A Party Animal is Born (28 September-4 October)

Monday 28/9/87

[Having gone out clubbing on the Sunday night (to my first ‘Beach Party’ night at the Playpen!) this entry kicks off with my continuing recount of the ‘rage’ we were having in the wee hours…]

→ And I was O.K! [referring to my having consumed ten tequila shots] Stumbled now & then, but I was standing & taking the stairs well and I knew (almost) everything I was doing. I had no money left by the end. There was this cute blonde guy called Scott who danced with me, but the Americans later on, were unreal. “Will” was quite cute (what I remember!) kept saying I had a cute smile; [that] I was cute. IT WAS TOTALLY UNREAL. We were all drunk. (Fi & Sharon worst!) We lost Lucy & Sharon after cos Fi & I went to Yanks for hot dog & milkshake & they’d gone when we got back. Fi & I drove round. [I’d normally have omitted this to respect Fiona’s privacy (because we all know drink-driving is, apart from illegal, an extremely dangerous & foolish activity) but I was stunned when she insisted I publish it. It demonstrates she’s completely prepared to admit to and accept responsibility for her actions: one of the primary reasons I began this project for myself – to be responsible for all I have thought, said and done…”right” or “wrong”, “good” or “bad” …irrespective of criticism or judgement. For what it’s worth, I was also guilty of this idiotic practice for a while in the not-too-distant future. Alcohol-induced bravado aside, the problem is we think we are invincible at this age. Or we just don’t think. Drink-driving was really only just starting to become a serious community issue in the late ’80’s: it definitely didn’t seem to bear quite the significance it does today. Suffice to say, we were just plain “lucky”.] We found them – fi dropped us home (Lucy’s) WE BOMBED!! A Life in WordsWoke early (haven’t been able to sleep in at all so far) we decided (Sharon, Fi & I) to go to Palm Cove. Sharon & I walked to her place – her mum took us & Fi drove there about 12:30. Beautiful weather, Didn’t really sunbake- walked, swam & socialized! A Life in Words[…and took heaps of photos] Home around 3:30-4:00. Wanted to go to movies tonite. so rang Jo, but she was really depressed about Victor. SO I talked to her. And watched the sick movie tonite. It’s 10:15 now. I’m dead! →can’t wait for Wednesday nite

Tuesday 29/9/87

Everyone else is so busy! I went around Earlville & town with mum & Julia today after ringing nearly everyone: Fi with Jason, Mima with Brent, Joannah with Victor, Sharon at work & Lucy “not home”A Life in Words Julia got Jenny Morris’ tape. I still love T.T.D. (Terence Trent D’arby) even tho it reminds me of Mark’s & my break-up. [Someone actually mentioned to me (at a recent reunion, I think) that they couldn’t stand Terence Trent D’Arby because I’d played his album repeatedly in our CAD art classes. Whoops!] We visited Leonie in hospital. Genelle & Amanda weren’t there, but Brooke is Gorgeous!! So cute. At home, I unpicked the tulle from my black dress- have to alter it again- my boobs getting bigger, still! [That must’ve been all due to the contraceptive pill, because I remember noticing (& loving) the weight my fresh singledom & heavy partying was shedding from me…] I’m going to shorten it & wear it out tomorrow nite ($nite!!) [Back in the days of lax liquor legislation, ‘Dollar Drinks’ nights were huge crowd pullers. For obvious reasons. It’s now illegal to promote alcohol in any way that even implies the potential to binge-drink, let alone encourages it.] I rang Fi (night with Jason) Jo (nite with V.) Sharon (saving her money for tomorrow nite) Justine (engaged) finally Beka, Jules & I went to see RAISING ARIZONA. A Life in WordsFunny! I cracked up in the cinema -something I’ve never done. [Hmm, must watch that one again to see if I still find it as amusing. There’s nothing like a good laugh, especially if it’s out loud in a public place.] Caught up on news (updated her) with Beka. She’s got a guy too. [Feeling lonely, much?] God, tomorrow nite’d better be good! Philip’s gonna be there – Jo told me! Yay! (She also told me Deena B likes him. Uhoh) 10:30. Sleep 4 2morrow!

Wednesday 30/9/87

I just can’t seem to sleep in & I so badly need the sleep. Today I went, around 11:30, into town with Fi – We didn’t do too much constructive; we were so tired: saw Glyn, Cameron & Deanne. I copped shit from Glyn about Friday night (-SO bad!) [I’m assuming this was just referring to my being drunk, but god knows what I said. I’m clearly quite an ‘open book’ without alcohol in my system… I can only imagine what came out of my mouth while I was under the influence.] Home around 3:00 I bludged, lazed. Phoned Fi, Jo. Eventually. I got ready, Sharon came & we went to Fi’s. To Jo’s (I asked Fi, [privacy omission] if I should apologize to Angie if she was there – they all said no. [Privacy omission] said she did get with him that night. So I started to feel depressed & sick) [A typical stress reaction…] Sharon & Jo got in, Fi & I waited with Jas. & Brendan We all got in. They said there’d be a raid […meaning police raid] There wasn’t. [It sounds so sinister, and as a law-breaking, underaged patron it certainly felt like it to me but in reality it was most likely just a routine ‘patrol’. A Life in WordsI do recall one or two people I knew getting turfed out on occaision, but I’m fairly sure that’s as far as it ever went (no formal penalties, that is). These days there’d be seriously large fines involved for everyone: the ‘minor’, the staff and the business proprietors/company.] Basically, I had a good night. Tricia was there. With Astia. Mark & Keith (Keith talked to me) Apparently they were at Green Island today with the Year 11 girls (Nicole) I didn’t say one word to mark – neither did I even look at him (deliberately) He left early. I was certain I told everyone I saw, he was with Tricia, [although it seems very much like I was deliberately gossip-mongering it wasn’t the case at all: my expectation, my belief that they’d get together was so intense, I created a ‘reality’ from it] but Jason & Sharon both told me at the end, that Tricia was nowhere around him, when it was supposed to have →

A Life in WordsThursday 1/10/87

←happened. Amazing. I’ll bet something did tho. It had to. […them Trust issues!] I talked to Astia briefly about it (I was drunk, so was she) & also, at one stage, Sandra (W) & I had a long talk outside (I told her about the weird dream I had about him Wed. Morning. Great talking to her). [Oh dear yes, you see? Alcohol + Elissa = Blabbermouth] Basically, what happened was, I barely saw him (left early I think) I danced, and drank (talked to Martin G.) all nite. FUN! I was so blotto [slang for “blind rotten drunk”] when I got home: David actually said goodbye to me. WOW. [Um, yeah ….WOW?] Sharon was there. Woke early for her [Sharon, I assume – perhaps she had to go to work?] this morning gave mum her $50 + cards. Boring day at home – a total waste – but you need a good “waste” now & then, huh? [Yes, you do. I’ve deduced over many years that ‘Wastage’ (in all its  forms) is a huge issue for me – underlying many of my actions and idiosyncrasies – so this wee rumination from my past self is uncannily relevent, even now.] The more I think about it, the more inevitable it looks that Mark won’t get in contact with me, at all. It’s so sad. But I’m not feeling sick with depression at the moment. [That’s called “getting over it”] Went out late nite Earlville mum spent some (most) of her money. I saw Steven & Glyn, Sandra W (couldn’t stop to talk) Philip N & Colleen A Life in Words(She said at green Island she, Nicole got a surfski, tipped & Mark & Keith swam out & “saved” them) [I can just feel the sarcasm (weakly disguising my pain) in these words] Also, Mark & Keith were home (or??) before 12:00, they left. Screw Trish maybe? […oh and most definitely here!]

Friday 2/10/87

I went to Fitzroy, tired as I was, and it was GREAT! I had an unreal time (esp. perving on David.) Didn’t get burnt, but look browner now! Swam, walked, talked. It was totally unreal; best day I’ve had, I think. Remembered Monique; the last time I’d been to Fitzroy was a year ago – october holidays with her, Sharon, Lucy, Beka and Fiona. Was very self-conscious about my leg, for the first time. [Maybe because this was the first time your ‘deformity’ was exposed to a crush who had no involvement or direct connection to the ordeal (unlike your recent ex) and was therefore – according to your perception – in a greater position to judge and reject you? Another perfect example of an over-active Mind delivering Stress…] Anyway, they didn’t stay over at Fitzroy cos’ the weather didn’t look too promising; were going to have a BBQ, and I badly wanted to go to that, but remembered I’d promised to go out with Sharon. Fi rang later & said it wasn’t on anyway. Sharon & I went to town- tequila in the Hideaway (yukky) A Life in Words[yukky meaning I wasn’t comfortable there: it was a dark, dingy pub that I actually think was called the Hides Hotel. Did I get the name wrong or did it undergo a name change at some stage …anyone?] saw Glyn B & Cameron & Glyn W. in mall. Rang Jo (wasn’t going to come) couldn’t get a taxi so [Sharon] tricked me into hitching a ride there (saying she knew the guys) [Hitchhiking was something my parents educated me very well against. Even now it’s not something I would do, and I was more adamantly against it back then so Sharon would have to have lied to get me to do it…] Got in. Saw Michelle danced. Drank. Danced. Upstairs for $ drink, saw Liam, David, Wade.. we talked to them.. .I met Stuart P & (formally) Vlaco. Danced, hung around Glyn B, (lost Sharon) found her with David (she’d previously been with Wade) then lost her. Stuart & I talked; he made me buy a→

Saturday 3/10/87

→cocktail “EXPLOSION”. […and oh how this particular beverage led to some interesting experiences. A combination of numerous neat spirits (no mixers at all) set alight, you had to suck it up through a straw…quickly.] We kissed. I GOT WITH HIM! He kisses so tenderly (he knows Mark) But he said “I’m so confused: I don’t want to hurt you- I like Glyn too.” But I could tell, he only really liked Glyn (more) [well, it’s good to know my ‘radar’ was working on some level…] I was totally understanding & I think that impressed him. [Ha! Cute.] He said I was special & he’d never forget me & wants to be good friends. [Aren’t drunkenness & immaturity an entertaining combination?!] Well, they say love grows from friendship, right?) A Life in WordsI left him with Glyn & hung around Dean (told him the guys I like -god, I’m a fool!) [Drunkie-Blabbermouth strikes again] Went outside- I was really drunk & falling asleep! Sat down on grass, going in, I (vomitted) shh! Embarrassing (as good as when I smashed the glass on the bar in IMAGES [the upstairs bar at the House on the Hill nightclub.] SKINT!) [Yes, always a ‘proud’ moment breaking, dropping or spilling your drink in an establishment while intoxicated.] Finally Sharon came back -David all over her. We got a taxi home with Dean, David & Wade. Woken at 8:30 – late for work! Worked till 2:00, at home, rang Fi then went up to tell her & Jason all about the nite (Dav. & Sharon esp.) They laughed: David took Sharon for a ride, badly! She thinks he loves her & she loves him. Home: Sharon rang – I went to her place, we waited till 8:20 for Fiona .. not going to Kentucky [that’s KFC] tea anymore. At bottle shop, got heaps of liquor (sharon & I : tequila+)orange juice also for me. at the party (up the street abit) drank a bit. I knew I’d be sick drinking, let alone on an empty stomach [Textbook Teenaged Drinking: you know the dangers but you charge on regardless…] – was O.K. till Megan & I (V. – David’s sister) went to party …danced alot. She’s so nice

Sunday 4/10/87

→saw Mark, but walked away. Was sick [literally vomited] after dancing a while .. felt much better after […as you do…]. Stuart P. was there; didn’t see him much. Phillip wasn’t there (N. was) Met Jo, (& Gordon McK -remember him?) [Ahhh…nope.] Was rather boring.. Mark was standing round. Keith the bastard came up & reckons “so, have you come to terms with it yet? That you’re not going out?” That made me quite a bit depressed. Geoffry M (cutie) was being really nice. Cameron was drunk – didn’t talk to him. Jo, Vlaco & I standing, when Jo went after Victor. Vlaco & I went up to the cars, sat with Fiona (gone!!) [by that, I am thinking ‘blotto’…] & the rest. Chris (David’s brother) was (so cute) getting really close, but, like, he’s only 15 (if he was older.. yum!) [I wouldn’t think twice about a buy being two years younger than me now… but there’s a BIG difference between males and females in the teen years…] Finally we drove to 24HR, then dropped Chris & Liam off. (Chris said goodbye a few times) I bombed at home & woke this morning depressed at what Keith said. Jo rang early (she was depressed- Vic. & her broke off – I knew it wouldn’t last) so I went to her place. We talked a lot .. finally around 2:30, went to the boutique (Palm Cove) walked to jetty – Deena & Adrienne we talked to (Deena really likes Philip – doesn’t look too rosy for me) A Life in Wordsand ate ice-cream with (!!) then Jo & I went to Ramada & had 2 cocktails (for $4!) Mark B was working – gave us 1 for free, and the other ½ price. YUMMY! Home late. had to ring to talk to Sharon. David still lying (or is he?) & Sharon’s in too deep. I’m not worried about seeing Mark tomorrow. I don’t care. My sights are set on Phillip; I do have a chance, I’m sure cos he liked me a lot last year (P.H. said he doesn’t often like girls so much) [Ok, that was not well worded. What I should have said was that Phil, as a confirmed heterosexual male, had ‘refined tastes’ with regard to girls – maybe the most suitable word is ‘choosey’? Or, he simply didn’t chase a lot of skirt, wasn’t a ‘womaniser’. Oh dear, I hope I have redeemed myself…]

Desperation, Delusion, Despair & ….Drunk (21-27 September)

A Life in Words

A Life in Words
…not quite there yet…

This is an unusual way for me to begin a post, but I feel the need to warn you now that it comprises a tragic mix of desperation, delusion, dependence and despair (because it was a particularly heavy week; processing my first ever experience of being dumped). It makes for a juicy read but it’s THE most embarrassing for me to date, by far and away. (The quotes I found all help to describe and/or ‘justify’ some of my feelings about it so fittingly that I decided to include them all). It’s very difficult for me to accept that I actually thought and acted the way I did: the antagonism, grovelling and bitchiness all borne of desperation, (ego-driven) pain …and a clear lack of self esteem. But this (Life) IS a learning process…

 

A Life in Words
…even if it involves THEM?

Monday 21/9/87

I’ve got it! I’ve got it! I know how we should be! [‘Should’ is one of those useless, stress-inducing words; implying obligation, duty, correctness: all of which mean different things to different people, to boot.] . . just like the Christmas holidays → then also those 3 days before the camp. That is, on the holidays, I don’t ring every day; only  be a ‘friend’ and let him decide what, if we do anything, [ugh, in other words be a door mat?] unless I’ve got a set proposition. And at school, I just don’t go up to him at all …except maybe a little bit. I don’t know if I’ll even sit near him in biology. That way he’ll have his ‘freedom’ and, will start to miss me a bit & ∴ chase me more than I do, him [Oh dear. *shakes head* Liss ….where to start?! ….perhaps by not thinking so much?]  Anyway today, ate very little .. my stomach’s shrunk. (GREAT!) Mima & fi didn’t want to do anything today. . I got my hair cut Did scrapbook most of the day. Fiona rang Mark this morning, but wasn’t home. I hope she gets around to it soon. [Seriously? Surely some part of me was aware of the futility of this caper? Getting my friends to try to retrieve information for me (‘answers’ I believed I needed – even though they were all there in plain sight…) was not just useless (why would he ‘open up and spill all’ suddenly to one of your friends? At worst, wouldn’t that in itself indicate that he wasn’t comfortable being truly open with you?) and actually counter-productive: exacerbating his negativity toward you.] I NEED HIM. [Um, like oxygen? I don’t think so.] I’m not sure he needs me now, after all this. [Ya think?] A Life in WordsIt makes me wonder how he could give up that easily. IT STILL HURTS ME. SO MUCH. [It’s still pretty fresh. That’s to be expected.] God, I wish I could turn back the clock. A whole year. [….aaaaand then what?]

Tuesday 22/9/87

In town with Fi & Mima, met Brent. Didn’t do very much really. (I was on the lookout for Trisha F bitch) [Haha, what, to “have a go”? Pffft, talking tough! I don’t have an aggressive bone in my body. I obviously wasn’t completely aware of that back then.] I didn’t have any money until late in the morning; when I found Julia & got my $50 from dad. (Then mum found me and gave me my bankbook & when I tried to swap it over for a cashcard, [yeah, that’s right people, the era of ‘plastic money’ (including Australia’s currency change to polymer notes) burgeoned in the 1980’s (even though credit cards had been around for awhile). ATM machines were slowly popping up – but only at bank branches] they said I had to be 18. That sux. I’m gonna change banks. [Can’t recall with whom I banked back then.] Fi had a doctor’s appointment. Mima, Brent & I got ice cream (gelati – I couldn’t eat it) [Now that’s a serious state of affairs – if I “can’t” eat one of my favourite treats…] Were going to get a video and watch it at fi’s but Stewart didn’t let us!! So we went home. I rang Nigel about the english [assignment??]: we’ll have to work out something. Also Steven, but he was “at the movies”. A Life in Words[Yes it gets worse: I’m now harassing his friends…] So when Jason, Fi & I got there (with Wade, David etc) I saw him and tried to talk. Keith walked past & I knew Mark was hiding. It’s almost as if he hates me. [No, he just wanted space. But in my defense, I literally was there with friends to see the movie, not to hunt him down…] He (when he did show) stayed well away not looking or talking to me at all. It hurts so much. I sat next to David during the movie & Fi & Jason said they didn’t see him, or even Keith look over once. I’m sure he’s trying to hate me. [How easy it is to create anxiety! Attempting to assume the thoughts of others is such a waste of energy: nine out of ten times you’ll be wrong and/or you’ll never find out anyway.] Walked off towards city place straight after→

Wednesday 23/9/87

→talking to Terry outside. We went to Yanks… I didn’t feel like anything to eat or drink. After, we went to Jason’s (just Fi, Mark B, & me) (David came in Jason’s car) and watched Bruce Lee (They still call me Bruce!) A Life in WordsBut we all fell asleep during it at sometime. Raining lots. At home, around 2:30, I bombed- freezing! This morning I was depressed when I thought about the movies, and how mark was. Why is he doing this? [I was so blind…] Keith even came up to me & rubbed it in.. “we were coming over & Mark said “shit!”..” That makes me feel really great. I feel like crying. Today, I watched TV, and did crash scrapbook again. I rang Fi after Steven (Steve said he’d talk when he called Mark around lunchtime) [Oh god, I wish I could shake myself!] So I told Fi Mark should be home around then. I need help. I’m hurting so much. I’ve got a horrible feeling he’s not just “having a break” so we can start again, but “having a break” so that I get used to being without him. [That’s a gut feeling. And for future reference… it’s usually right.] NO!! He can’t. Raining all day today (cool) Cameron & Glyn popped in & we went to Fi’s & then mima’s. Steven didn’t ring me back. [Certainly can’t blame him…] Sharon & I went into town first, then were rejected from Croc Rock. Waited outside freezing, for people to bring out [next page…]

Thursday 24/9/87

→some I.D. for us. Sharon in first. Then I waited ..Linda bought out the same I.D. I talked to Mark. [Privacy omission] “snuck” in. The night, as a whole, was bad. I regretted going now, tho it’s lucky I did. He spent most of his time, when I first saw him, alone, or with no girl. Keith with Angela M. I danced, hung round Sharon. Talked to him a little. Every person I spoke to seemed to be negative (no, they were negative) Fucking [privacy omission] said “he’s a bastard etc.” People all telling me he cheats on me. Even [privacy omission] admitted it. (Sharon left earlier than me) A Life in WordsI got really upset in the end & Mark got shitty (fucking Angela all over him (as good as she’d dare while I was around. The sick bitch even smiled at me all the time- until I fucked her up- dirtiest look – & she avoided me.)[There it is… vitriolic jealousy.] Eventually, to cut the story short, I talked to him ..he was really pissed off. I can’t even give him 3 days without suffocating him & even his friends, too (ringing them up) he’s pissed off I talk behind his back etc. [You totally had this coming.] Anyway, I got home around 4:15. Couldn’t sleep- got up at 8:00. Fi came round after I rang her. Long talk I told her everything, and cried. I watched TV the rest of the day & slept lots up till 6:30 …went late nite with Fi, Liam & Jason, met Pol, Brent, Peter & Mima. (Boring there) then to Jason’s to watch Pirate Movie on video. Made me sad cos I’ve got no one. [Up until this year, you had no one. You survived the first 16 years of your life without ‘someone’…] I’d desperately like to meet Phillip C soon. I need him – he’s right for me. [Oh lordy. Now you need a guy you don’t know at all, but emphatically assume is right for you? Purleeeease.] I know, when Mark’s “had his time” I’ll go back, but mate I’m gonna rev the shit out of him first – laying down the “conditions – regulations & expectations” and it won’t really bother me if he doesn’t want to comply: I’ll have P.C. [Righteo. Utterly warped fantasy. No other way to describe it.] As for Angela M & Tricia – they’ll never get what I have – his love. [Needing to feel ‘superior’ to appease my crushed Ego…]

A Life in Words
So… anyone? Anyone got the feels for me yet?! This succinct Finnish word has no English equivalent. Pronunciation? Ha, good luck! Apparently something like this: ‘moo-er-ta-ha-pay-ah’

Friday 25/9/87

Let me warn you – I’m still intoxicated at the moment. [Oh Gaaad, yes. You should’ve seen my handwriting in the diary…] I’m not supposed to let Mark know that I spent the night with Glyn & Cameron in town. [Ah… whoops, my bad? D’ya think that secret is a matter of importance 28 years on?] They were meant to go out. But mate, I got drunk & I had an ace time. I started out with Fi, Jas, Brent, Pol & Mim, late nite shopping (hoping I’d either see Philip C out or spend the rest of the night with David (Jas’s stepbrother- gorgeous hunk) [It’s intriguing watching myself ‘grasping’ for something (someone) to fill the ‘void’…] I know Mark’s with someone tonite. He’s a playboy. And he’ll never change. [If “the drunken tongue speaks the sober mind” …why was I hanging in there?] I went grass skiing with Pol, Peter, Fi & Jas. David watched- Dave hangs around alot – Hope he likes me. I think he’s gorgeous. So’s Philip. At home around 3:00- rang Cam. & Glyn …couldn’t find out if Philip was going out.A Life in Words I’ll die if he did. [Really?] apparently lotsa people I know, know I like Philip. […REALLY? Yup. Turns out I’m pretty easy to read…] It’s 12:30. Jo’s comin’ home 2morrow YAY!

Saturday 26/9/87

It’s 9:00. My first night home since Monday!! WOW! (I need the sleep!) Going to the beach with Sharon &, get this; LUCY!! Yeah, she rang this morning, wanting to go out, but this Saturday no parties & no one’s going out So we’re going to Beach party sunday night at Playpen (FUN, FUN, FUN!) Hope Philip’s there! Did nothing today (made lotsa phone calls though!) Went to the Boat Show – boring – saw Mark riding up Reservoir Road, on the way. Sharon said he was with Steven last night & no girls! I couldn’t believe it!! I’m feeling really strange at the moment _ I love him still, but I’m not missing him – I think it’s because I know we’ll get together again. Hope he’s not trying to fall out of love with me. […I don’t think people have to try to do that, Liss…] I’ll shoot him!! Jo came home – yay! Ringing late tomorrow to see if she can come out to Playpen tomorrow. Philip wasn’t out last nite. Was Raining just before – hope it’s not tomorrow. Hope I see Phillip (yummy) C. (or David!!)

Sunday 27/9/87

I had so much trouble getting to sleep last night. 9:00 I got to bed & around  12:30 to sleep. I heard a request to Joannah & it sounded like Elissa or Elisa. [The song requested was Icehouse’s “Electric Blue” …I’ve included a link to it on YouTube (below) if you’d like a listen.] A Life in WordsWondered if that was for us? (No one said who it was from.) [Chances of there being two other friends with our names in a city of about 50,000 was pretty slim, I reckon …especially my name. Oh and I/we never found out who it was either.] Anyway I got to Sharon’s on time (lucky – I got up late) To Lucy’s, then on the bus. It was very windy & grey at Palm Cove. We walked around, taking photos. Jo’s shop wasn’t open. We sat around the shop trying to ring Mr W. It started to clear up around 1:30.. we swam (Sharon & I ..in the “surf” – cold, but great fun) Saw Fi just before Mr W picked us up (just after 3:00) and she followed them to Lucy’s. We got ready after going to Sharon’s & getting her gear (Fi went home) Lucy, Sharon & I walked to Smithfield Tavern – the bottle shop was shut -everything was shut! So we went to Beach Night, sober. Got in back door – no ID asked at all. The night was excellent! Got crowded quite quickly, but there was barely anyone I knew- Sandra F, Carla G. That’s it!! So we raged something unbelievable. I had 10 Tequila slammers [shots]! […the annoying thing about my going out on a Sunday night is that YOU don’t get the full story until the next post… just like a real TV serial, you’re left hanging…]

A Gas Explosion, ASAT Rehearsals & Something is Up (17-23 August)

Monday 17/8/87

Had a really good sleep last night – long! I woke around 9:30 today. (and spent nearly all day in bed anyway). [Still ‘off sick’ from school?] Still didn’t do any of my english assignment ..nor any study for my biology exam. But I’m taking tomorrow off, too: Nana’s funeral is at 10:00 – then at home I’ll have to get myself into gear & really work. [Uh-huh…] I did feel much better today – the chest region is much less blocked & I’m coughing a lot less. I only feel “off-colour” now & then, esp. when I eat, although I do have some sort of appetite back (I’ve lost 2kgs since I got sick!) [Yep, reducing caloric inatke will usually do that…] still can’t believe Mark was “worried” about me. He said that Sunday (after the Smithfield formal party) he couldn’t play baseball, because he was sick with grief at the thought that I’d leave him when I heard about him & Angela. I’m extremely flattered (for once!) [Oh my god.] In a way, it worries me, though. I don’t know if he’s over it yet. [You’re misreading your gut instinct…] BIG gas explosion in town today near Mike’s work – we heard it here!! A Life in Words[Freshwater (where we lived) is approximately 10 kilometres from the explosion site and there’s a mountain range separating them so that’s pretty impressive. (…but what do I know about explosions?) It was the result of an LPG storage unit catching fire and killed one person, injuring twenty-seven. Here’s a link to a public government record of the incident. There’s not a great deal of detail, but the comments provide some perspectives.]

Tuesday 18/8/87

Am feeling much better today. Eating is a bit easier – don’t feel as ill when I eat (ate a lot today!) I still cough – but only ’cause’ of the chest phlem. [Yep, I spelled it wrong] Still, I get very tired. I had to rest a number of times today & actually had a sleep. Nana’s funeral was at 10:00. It was quite short & I didn’t cry. I can’t. Because I’m happier that she’s gone – she’s not in pain ..she’s with grandpa at last, too. [I’d never known my maternal grandfather – he’d passed away during my mother’s childhood.] It’s a little sad thinking about how she was, knowing I won’t see her again, but I’m just glad she’s resting in peace. I just wish she didn’t go out the way she did..that’s the sad part. [I’m not exactly sure what I meant there – whether it was referring to the ‘humiliation’ of being a morphine ‘vegetable’ or the rheumatoid arthritic disease experience as a whole. Either way, the attitude I’d developed towards death is obvious: not afraid of Death itself, but the way in which we meet it. A Life in WordsPrior to the bus accident, I’d always believed the only way to ‘go’ was to pass peacefully in your sleep (being unconscious of it). After the accident, experiencing firsthand the power of Shock; the body’s incredible hormonal response to immense trauma, to ‘thwart’ the conscious Mind, I’ve come to realise that the death experience can be – if not ‘peaceful’ – at least ‘tolerable’ in wider range of scenarios. Nana effectively died peacefully because the morphine interfered (greatly) with her consciousness.] Mark didn’t ring again tonight. I’m sure now something’s still up. I have a strong feeling he’s letting me go (cos he thinks I don’t love him.) He is all I think about! [That ‘strong feeling’? Listen to it.] All the aunts (Joy, Nancy & Ruth) + Cynthia & Dougie stayed all day. Hilary is going home tomorrow: stopping in Brisbane to scatter Nana’s ashes (hopefully with grandpa’s) Is 9:43. Take tomorrow off [school – that’s been quite awhile, now…] to study biol & do my eng. assign. (I’m still too tired in the day to go back) [oh I see…]

Wednesday 19/8/87

What a waste! I’ve written 2 sentences on my assignment & done no biol. study, watsoever! [Surprise, surprise!] A Life in WordsI read Julius Caesar today, but that was about all I did. I’m going to die tomorrow- I’ll be so behind- this weekend I’ll really have to knuckle down & work (HA, HA) [Even I don’t believe myself!] Mr. G will kill me. Oh dear; that’s all I can think about. Auntie Hilary left today (I ate so much today) was rather hot, too. Auntie Joy’s going tomorrow. It looks like we’re off to Brisbane for xmas!! (Great! Hope I can go while mark’s out of town) Wish Fi could come, or something. She’s having trouble with Jemima (it’s got to do a bit with me & everyone really) she’s just sick of all the Grade 12’s. – sitting with Yr 11 girls. Fi came round this arvy to talk – she got her lisense today! Still no call from Mark. Am hesitant about seeing him tomorrow. Will everything be O.K.?? Will have to get up early, I suppose, to do my english. Great. SO DAMNED BEHIND!

Thursday 20/8/87

Got over my assignment hassle O.K (didn’t get it finished – just talked my way out) But was supposed to have it done for tomorrow’s double lesson- & of course just like me, I didn’t bother to do any (any HW for that matter) of it. Will have to wake early tomorrow again to finish it Have only just under one page to write. Barely saw mima or fi for that matter but I know they weren’t together. Had ASAT [Australian Scholastic Aptitude Test] practise tests today. [These national exams are meant to determine each Australian students’ achievement at the completion of secondary schooling. Their applicability is becoming a societal discussion of late.] I only got 15 questions answered, but of those, I got 11 right! (Hope I can do as well, or better in the real ones) [Duh…] Read my ’83 & 84 diaries this arvy – so funny some of the things. [….try reading them in 28 years later!] 10:35 – yet another late nite. I told Jo about Adam M’s friend that likes me & she said “Philip N” I said “WHAT?” she said “He works with Philip..” my god that would be totally incredible. [Obviously I misheard Jo and got excited… a little crush, ya think?] Barely saw Mark at all – talked even less. I’m sure something’s still wrong. A Life in WordsGot Cabaret [Cairns High’s musical for the year] tickets- will pay Nigel tomorrow. Had to do thing about Monique for the Euroka this arvy- (Got photos of my leg too) Nigel read my eng. assign. on her & cried (I got 19/20 for it) [I don’t remember that… jeez, I wish I still had it… as well as all those photos of my leg…] am worried about Mark.

Friday 21/8/87

It’s 11:00. Can’t wait for tomorrow night! Got my english done (not before school as I’d planned, but during my english lesson. OK. finish, not great tho’.) Barely talked to Mark again… I’m positive something’s up: the same something as we talked about? I don’t know, but it gives me the shits. Tried to ring tonight (for once) but he was at Keith’s – too bad! I watched the movie & am now “dead”!! Tomorrow night’ll be ace! Cameron & I fighting in chem – he kicked me in the same place (left shin) 2 times- now I have a very sore lump (egg) [My shins have always been super-sensitive. I bruise really easily everywhere and often don’t know how I get a lot of them, but my shin bones… there’s NO way I’d be clueless about any damage sustained to them…] went into town with Jo & Fi after school …stayed in there for ages- Mr C dropped me home. Looking at all the great clothes (& shoes) in there (drool, drool) P.C.supp. (car) [← but I have absolutely NO idea what this cryptic wording means. I’m wondering if it’s related to the other Phil I had an interest in; Phil C.? Maybe I glimpsed him in a car? Pfft, who knows?] Bludge day, really. Pretty cool weather (about 27ºC) fine (sunny) I eat too much (fattening stuff) Must do lotsa HW tomorrow. Think I know who/that “guy” is. yukky Year 11 CAD guy. (I think that might be him cause I’ve noticed he’s nearly always around) YUKKY Mark, please get over this “phase”… it’s awkward for me. [LOL.] TIRED!

Saturday 22/8/87

A Life in WordsThe day at home was boring .. I listened to records/tapes while doing my art (weaving) – no HW (set HW) done Beautiful weather. . a little cloudy. Fi visited me late this arvy (Mark rang and it wasn’t a good phone call seemed so bored.. I felt really down after it) to borrow my black shirt. My hair was tied in rags [to create the messy wavy-crinkly look that was so hot back then!] (looked funny) Ran late of course: dinner at 7:15 – they came when I was just taking the rags out. CABARET was cool! Mark didn’t seem impressed. In fact he didn’t seem anything. I really don’t know what to do. Anyway I felt sick during last part (after interval) right up until 1:00 or so.. I lay in Fi’s car, then in Peter’s room. [There must have been an after-party…] I’m sure I was just sick from worry about Mark. [That’d be no surprise…] Jason got him to come in & we talked a little.. he thinks nothing’s happening.. so he left the room & I came out soon after .. just as well I did when I did because we left for the St. Monica’s party (Deena B) soon after (& Fiona was gone somewhere…

Sunday 23/8/87

→ I saw her ages later at the party. It was just as boring really. .had to pay for drinks etc (I couldn’t be bothered) I hung around Mark a lot in an attempt to change what has been happening all last week & the week before : that is: nothing. But I still got the feeling he didn’t want me near him. [What a waste of energy] I was especially upset when I showed him some affection & he totally ignored it. I left with Fi, very confused & slightly angry. – very hurt. Got home around 5:30, after hearing about Jo’s, Fi’s, Brendan L’s & Jason’s “problem” [??] wasted the whole day – weeping & thinking about mark. He rung in mid-afternoon. We had a very long D&M (deep & meaningful) was it meaningful? Um, yeah I guess. [….and? what? Clearly no resolution…] Tania visited just a few minutes ago (holidays from uni …didn’t know what to say) […well your sociability would have been compromised by your emotional state…] mark’s going through a “nonchalant” phase: not caring about anything. A Life in WordsI’ll just have to sit it out .. be patient as always. & hope it’ll pass soon. We talked a lot about breaking up & that worries me. [It must have been my tenacity, my resolve to not be ‘the ‘bad guy’ – the one to call it quits. I mean, it’s as obvious as a punch in the face that he wanted out, surely? I was clearly gullible, but not stupid.] NITE.

Formal Permission, Hickie Harassment & The Controversial Portrait (1-7 June)

Monday 1/6/87

Keith told me (after Mark had got it out of me before school) that he & Mark had worked out what that sheet was ..my timetable, Mark’s and Nicole’s (last night with saw it just lying there & I got v. embarrassed) [LOL taking Insecurity to the next level! I don’t recall this at all… and for good reason! I’m imagining I’d’ve been trying to ascertain how often they might have come in contact during school hours. What I didn’t know was that this ‘project’ would only feed my angst: not benefit me in any way at all. Geez, maybe I should’ve been a detective?] I thought Mark might’ve gotten ‘upset’ by it ..thinks I’m spying on him. NO! It’s not fair. He can’t think that: it’s not true. [No, really?] Anyway, I don’t think it bothered him much- school, boring as usual, but I got 3 goodbye kisses this arvy Yummy. My art exam was a laugh. I didn’t know anything; I’m sure I’ve failed (no, I could pass, really. Came home after julia got new school shoes (& we browsed at other shoes) & I found a doona on my bed! A Life in WordsUnreal! The only prob is I think it’s too small [here’s the critical perfectionist…] – I mean, it’s meant to fit a single bed, but I’d have liked a bit bigger, but not quite double bed size. [Not asking for much – just a non-standard sized doona, perhaps custom-made? (I’m not sure that ‘King Singles’ existed back in the 80’s?) Pssssh! …Unless I was considering size difference amongst different brands?] Actually did a little HW – maths. I really must get down to some serious study now. Also get classwork done. Esp. art. Copped shit about this hickie, alright – [OF COURSE] Nigel, mima, justine lots (Nicole saw – she kept looking at me SKINT) And Tricia. HaHa. Oh boring school hurry up, holidays. It’s 10:00 now

Tuesday 2/6/87

Gordon C (??) has asked me to his formal. I was really excited (overwhelmed at being asked to another formal) at first, but said later it depended on Mark. I asked him to ring Mark & ‘ask his permission. [Good god Elissa, permission? Are you sure you weren’t born in the 1800’s? So upright, so traditional, so…antiquated!] I really don’t care whether I go or not. I’ll do what Mark wants. [Of course, Doormat!] Mark & I came close to fighting today. (Well, I was hurt, but got over it because he got “down off his high horse” and didn’t let it “carry on.” CONGRATS, markie-poo! (I love you!)) [I just vomitted a little in my mouth…] Otherwise boring day (isn’t every school day?) Mark and his gorgeous smile. He’s so cute! We passed him riding home this arvy (taking Nana back to the [nursing] home) [she still lived in her own self-contained unit at this stage] and I yelled out “spunky” & waved. He smiled & I melted! How can I take 4 days without him? I’ll die, I’m sure! Skin (mine) is terrible. Fixing up tho’. Most people forgetting my hickie now. Beaut cool weather. Wish it’d get even cooler tho’. oh, come on, holidays!

A Life in WordsWednesday 3/6/87

I asked Mark if Gordon rang him. He said yes. [Thank you for playing my silly game, Gordon] I said what’d you say? He said it’s alright with me if I wanted to go. And that was it. I think he didn’t want to talk about, tho I tried to explain I only want to go as a favour to Gordon… I’d rather spend a saturday night with Mark, anyway. Anyway, it was a pretty good day. Better than yesterday Aerobics was sickeningly hard! (I’ve got no co-ordination!) mark came up after & showed me the note he found in his bag (I put it there.) “Aaaargh! How will I survive four days? I love you! I need to see you before you go.” I hope, really hope, we spend it at his place tomorrow night. That’s the best! Hoping he’d ring. Gordon rang me instead. Then I rang Justine (had an excellent idea:) if she couldn’t think of anyone – invite MARK! [No, a very silly, unrealistic, entirely selfish idea] He’d probably refuse. [Yes. Because he doesn’t know these people…] But that’d be great. If he went, that is. Raining now. Not so cold. SHIT. 10:40 SHIT! I ♥ MARK 4 EVA & EVA

Thursday 4/6/87

Ow! My neck’s sore – wonder if it’s out? A Life in WordsTalked a fair bit to him again today. Then tonight he was ‘crazy’ (probably excited about going to Mackay) – we went shopping & driving with Keith. They came back & watched TV at our place .. Mark & I fighting (quite rough) then.. then he had to go. Joking about staying for 4 months ..I said I’d kill him if he stayed away for more than 4 days. [Uh-huh. That’s not displaying dependance-related psychotic tendencies …much.] (Busy day at school today… am doing something in art: Mark! I don’t know if I will though.. it’ll turn out all wrong, I bet. [Oh yes, one of the most retrospectively embarrassing things I did, painting a portrait of  my boyfriend. And it wasn’t a small canvas either. Oh, the shame! Little over-besotted me…] Did chem contract prac in 4th.. & big lunch, with Linda. will just get them finished tomorrow arvy, after school.) Am so tired.. the last 2 days in a row I got out of bed 7:15, when I was woken at 7:00 .. sleeping in!! Usually I’m the last one out of the house! [This doesn’t even make sense to me: how does being the “last one out of the house” relate to usually getting up early? I get that sleeping in = running late = being the last one out of the house but it’s inferred that I don’t normally sleep in?] Boring day tomorrow: ho, hum. 10:30 (by Jule’s swatch) Crikey. Will miss mark. But I’m not suicidal yet; [No …really?]

Friday 5/6/87

(Neck’s still sore) Well, I made it ..no sweat! One day (& night) without mark was O.K. (though I kept thinking (& keep thinking) how exactly a week ago was one of the best nights of my life!!) [Livin’ in the past, girl! A neat little example of how Attachment can cause ‘Pain’: in this case, a positive experience creating Desire for (Wanting, Craving) more…] I did my painting today, mostly & it’s lookin’ great! I’m proud to say I love it! (Of Mark) I can’t believe how much it’s working; resembling him quite well, indeed! [Oh dear. *facepalm*] (Heard Megan, with Tricia, say something & I’m sure she referred to my painting. BITCH.) Everyone else (even Ms Mars.) thinks it’s beaut (NO! Daggy word!) [You correct yourself for a daggy word… when you’re talking about a totally daggy artistic decision?!] Great! Oh I’m tired.. late night shopping ..tried on lotsa dresses in Val Carnes. Liz convinced me red looks best on me (believe it?) And mum & julia too .. so Mark’ll be happy (I can be his LADY IN RED!) [For those new to this serial, Chris DeBurgh’s track “Lady In Red” became a relationship theme song for me one night early in our budding ‘romance’. Here’s the link to that ‘episode’ in late 1986.] Keith rang this morning ∼ 7:15 told me my bankbook was in his car. I said I’d leave it till Tuesday. Won’t be needing it I think. A Life in Words[Oh my, the Bankbook! Most young readers wouldn’t have the first idea what this was. Back in the day, those amazing machines (ATMs) that spit cash out for you at the press of a few buttons, didn’t exist. We had to physically go into a bank (during business hours) and queue up to see a bank teller, to make our manual cash withdrawals. Too bad if you didn’t take enough money out on a Friday afternoon. Ah, the good ol’ days…] Rainy, cold weather BEAUTIFUL!! I’m in a great mood (inside, that is)

Saturday 6/6/87

Boring, wasted day. . couldn’t believe how I wasted it. Woke just before 8:00.. and spent most of morning doing a poster for Cheryl G (TBallers Disco). Then Julia left for dad’s & I watched Airwaves [a locally (well, Townsville) produced music video TV show] alone Having lunch after it, I was going to start study when Amanda & Cherie came. They stayed till about 5:00. [They were actually my sister’s friends too, so it’s even more surprising that they spent the rest of afternoon with me…] So my day was indeed wasted (Amanda & Cherie are so funny, though!) A Life in WordsGot ready after, & mum & I went to the Drive In (to see A Dog’s Tale – FOOTROT FLATS & “COOL CHANGE – an Aussie movie – OK.) Was beautiful and cold! (But not cold enough to dislike it.. just a cold breeze/wind.) I kept thinking about the show & wishing Mark had his own car so we could go to the drive in alone. So now it’s 10:50. And I’m waiting for “RAGE” on the ABC . . (starts 12:30), listening to 4CCR in the meantime (on mum’s clock radio) She’s next door at the Fishers for a quick drink. [Uh-oh. The last time that happened they had to carry her home and worse; we had a ‘prowler’ around our house which frightened the bejesus out of Julia and I and mum couldn’t be woken… see here for that story.] The Perrems are s’posed to be there too. Wonder what’ll happen? So cold & beautiful! (Still, isn’t cold enough!) The wind helps, though. LOVE IT! (Only 2 days left.) Must study tomorrow. MUST.

Sunday 7/6/87

I really have to lose weight. My diet is disgusting. I ate so much crap today. And I did nothing to wear it off. A boring day; I did study. .but only got ½ of bio study done. Have my assignment to do for Friday, yet. Plus bloody chem. study. I have chem, bio & hist. of art tests on Tuesday. Do you believe it? I’m going to fail. And my majors exams start next Tuesday, there’s no way I’ll do well, unless I knuckle right down this week & weekend. I’ve got to do well in them. I’m determined not to cram like I have the rest of my life (this is still cramming though, I guess.. just not overnight .. over a week!) [Uh, yep! While I have a certain ‘photographic memory’ some self discipline would have helped me avoid establishing this bad habit, which only worsened at Uni…] It’s 9:15. Listening to radio till 10:00, Last night I listened to 4CCR all night ..sleeping then waking. A Life in WordsAbout 4:30 turned on “RAGE” stupid heavy metal crap music. So tired this morning – woke around 10:00. Great dream. Raining lots today. These holidays I must diet, exercise & sun bake to get tanned, slim & nice skin for the formal [hmm, many would refute the sunbaking + nice skin correlation these days…] I MUST!! I’m so fat now

Venom, Pedestals, Bruised Fruit & Bed-Swapping (25-31 May)

Monday 25/5/87

Well today was different. Got on really good though. (Though?) Yes, “though”. (Though, what?) [Love the conversive story telling? One might relate it to a touch of schizophrenia?] Well, there’s rumours he got with (you guessed it) Nicole. I don’t want to believe them. See, I didn’t think Mark would get with anybody – it didn’t cross my mind once I trusted him. Then these rumours: I chose to disbelieve, but more evidence against my opinion .. I am too afraid to say anything to him in case he gets angry [Alarm bells! If you fear ANY kind of interaction with a partner, should you be there at all?] .. he can’t see that I do trust him, but I wish (if this did happen) that he would tell me . . be honest. Going behind my back destroys trust… A Life in Words[um, so you are saying you accept cheating …as long as you’re informed of it? It’s certain that a lack of honest & openness is not conducive to trust but, well, I certainly wouldn’t accept certain behaviours from a partner now even if he was open about it…] but I think he didn’t tell me because (1) he was afraid of losing me because of it.. and/or (2) he knew it would destroy what trust I had in him, totally. [Ya think? Analyse, analyse, analyse….] But I’m all worked up. [Privacy omission] broke up. He got with Nina Nina admitted it to Julia. She & [privacy omission] and Nicole & Mark. I HATE that Fuckin bitch. [Ill-begotten blame: it takes two to tango, young Lissa…] Oh Mark. Why are you doing this? Why did it happen? How could you let it?

Tuesday 26/5/87

I got to school and no one was there (Fi, mima that is) so, Cameron talked to me. And he told me nothing happened. And I knew he was right because Fiona had seen Nicole go (so how could she possibly have gotten with him “in the last 5 minutes”? as Seigi said.) Mima said she didn’t think it happened after all. I AM A FOOL to let it worry me. [Worry is your middle name, girl] Nicole WISHES. She spread rumours herself. And it backfired. SUCK IT BITCH. I hate you & am gonna see your dreams get squashed. [Wow, super venomous! There’s some serious hurt, insecurity & fear on display there…] You’re trying (in vain) to break us up. Boring day at school. I think it was because I spent most of it with Mark. I mean, I like spending time with him, but the less time we spend together, the more special our moments together are. He gets bored too easily. A Life in WordsToday he even said I was boring & predictable. [a hint?] I should take it as a joke [should you?] ..but sometimes I wonder. [hmm, that’s related to gut instinct…] He is so gorgeous!!! […despite it all, I clearly had this guy on a pedestal; a very high pedestal. No one belongs on a pedestal, and amongst all the lessons this relationship presented me, this was one of the most significant.] There’s a new record out (compilation album) & it’s got Favourite Waste of time on it. I HAVE TO GET IT!! Oh I’m tired! [privacy omission] are “on the rocks”.

Wednesday 27/5/87

I did a lot. Well that’s what it seems like In fact, I did very little. Biology HW & that was it. I should have done my english. I now have 1 day to do 2 assignments. Well done, Lissa. And with all my other work, that could virtually be regarded as impossible. Oh dear. It was rather dull today. I ate a fair bit. (Just killed a gi-normous mozzie) Gi-normous spider last night, which we killed thank god. It was a “whopper”! [While I’m not into killing, I have to admit I still can’t allow living creepy-crawlies to share my house. If there’s no one around to remove them, I admit that I will terminate the creature’s life.] Can’t wait for the weekend. To spend with Mark. Hope he doesn’t get sick of me. Worked out today was our 18th week together: just over 4 months. Also worked out he’d been with Trish & Nicole for only about 7 weeks each! Ha, ha! Thought Mark might’ve rung me ..forgot to ring him anyway He probly doesn’t mind. wonder if he’d come late night shopping tomorrow night (again?) He’s probly getting sick of that, too. [Good god, the analysing! It’s so much more about ME than it is him…] God I wish winter would come. It’s normally rather cool by now. NOT FAIR. Oh I’m tired. 9:50. Late! Need lotsa sleep.

Thursday 28/5/87

Fi went home early today. She was so upset: her grandfather died last night. A Life in Words[Fis’ grandfather was a lovely quiet, soft soul whom I recall used to shuffle around the house in his slippers, and kept smarties in his trouser pockets, which he would then proffer to us with a cheeky grin, as if collaborating against parental authority.] Boring day today really. Mark came late. Looked grumpy, but was O.K. Did very little in art: made a stretcher; put on canvas & painted it white. Big lunch I did bio prac. then went up to room A5 to see about trip to Snowy’s. [The Snowy Mountains in NSW] I can’t afford it & it’s certain dad won’t pay. [It sucked being low-middle class – or upper-lower, whichever we were: I never went on one long distance excursion in all my years of schooling.] I said something to Mark later & he said “right that’s it; we’re not going out anymore. I’m not taking you to the formal.” I know he was joking [really? with the benefit of hindsight, I’d say a glaring hint…] but it hurt. He Went for driving lesson straight after school so I didn’t see him. I did a little english tonight. Nowhere near enough Mark rang: carrying on his jokes. They really do hurt me. I’ll have to let him know. He’s “bruising the fruit”. Gotta be careful not to “squash” me. [Not saying it was the case (how am I to know what someone else is or was thinking or feeling?) but perhaps he was trying to encourage ME to end the relationship?] Dad & Jenny’s wedding photo was in the Cairns Times. Whoopee! My bio assign. seeds are growing so fast!! Am dreading tomorrow. My english is unfinished. must wake early to do my assignments. Is 9:40

Friday 29/5/87

Mark seemed in rather a dull, shitty mood today, but he wasn’t angry with me. I guess it was the usual boredom of school. I got to school later than usual; just in time for form: had to go into town and get photographic paper. Got 1st assignment written out & 2nd rough copy started in double english: Elisia & I stayed in the darkroom -doing english all day! [And so begins the habit of last-minute assignment productions! I thought this behaviour had begun at Uni but I am clearly mistaken…] Handed mine in after going to the library for about 20-25mins at lunchtime… then went to Fi’s grandpa’s (Da’s) funeral. (He died at 9:00 at night) It was small & short. And I thought mostly of Monique. Why her? [Not so much, why was I thinking of her at another’s funeral, but rather asking the Philosophical ‘Why’ with regard to Death, yet again: why was she taken from me?] Back at school, for ≈ 15 mins of chem. talked very briefly to Mark before leaving with mum. A Life in WordsRang him around 4:30.. got ready around 5:00. . . picked him up at 6:00 . . walking round town (bought that excellent record (tape) I told you about – it’s 2 actually) Looking at clothes, mainly Then after dinner – to the Capri. Mark loved JUMPIN’ JACK FLASH. But we were both bored to tears during ALIENS …seen it too recently before to enjoy it again. Then we caught taxi to his place. (my gear I left there when we picked him up.) We lazed on his bed: talking & mucking round- listening to the new tapes…

Saturday 30/5/87

→ stayed up till ≈ 4:00…kissing (cutest – love it!) [So, “All is Well” in the world again?] Fell asleep then & I woke to movement at 6:30 (“Uh-oh!” I think, “Sandra knows I’m in here!” – she went to her room, I heard her. She would’ve known I was in Mark’s room. So I got up – got a drink from the bathroom tap, then went to Sandra’s bedroom; into her bed (well, under the top blanket) [oh Liss, that only makes you look more guilty!] slept & dozed till about 11:00, no 10:30. After brekky (Keith came) we lazed in his room talking (kissing) again, till about 2:00. I got changed and they dropped me home. . there’s this really big red hickie [lovebite that is, in case this slang is too ancient for some readers?] on the front of my neck.. shit ..it’s bad (Keith gave me heaps about it imagine school on Monday – oh no!) Spent the rest of the day listening to music, mainly. Rang Mark’s place – he was at work. Rang him at work – he said to ring him at home after 9:00. It was a short, but sweet phone call. Oh, I so badly wanted to see him tonight. Hope I can tomorrow. I Love You, Mark. So very much.

Sunday 31/5/87

A Life in Words
I bought the cassettes and they copped an absolute flogging in their lifetime!

JULIA’S B’DAY! BORING! No! I woke & wrapped Julia’s present – just in time! (Julia walked in from Amanda’s just as I finished!) Listened to my (our) tapes this morning (Hungry for Hits that is) Played Triv. Pursuit with Jules when Amanda came. Around 2:45 Mark rang. Nana came so I had to ring him back (3:30!) Michael (mum’s couz.) & Cynthia (wife) came over. Played a little Monopoly during the day, too. Was boring for me. Till about 5:00 I got ready (rush!) And Michael took me to pick up Mark & take us to work. Watched ½ of About Last Night & ½ of some other one ..forget it. Keith came too- his car’s fixed. So drove me home – they had coffee. Didn’t get to kiss Mark enough. And he’s going away next weekend. My God!! How will I ever make it? It’s never boring at work with him- it might sound boring but I’m never bored when I’m around him. It’s late: 10:25. I think I know when Mark first saw me.. he said 2nite the Xmas hol’s ..after the CAD parents meeting (Dec. 3) & had to be before Dec 27. (cause my hair cut short then)

Emotional Depths & A Message From Monique (20-26 April)

Monday 20/4/87

Um, was woken early by the others getting ready to go to Green Island… we dropped them off, went to the dump &, at home mum cleaned the car.. went to pick up the Dandos (remember them? John & Christine – – not the kids) [I am of course, asking to myself this question; not expecting you readers to know who these people were… Oh, and the answer is yes, I do remember them.] they stayed a while. All I did was finish covering my books & write out my chem. notes…no assignments done at all. SHIT. (all day!) The others came back around 4:00 (I cut mag. pictures & decorated my diary) After roast dinner (early) . . went to Nana’s (6:30) time flew . . at 7:30 I wanted to go ..slowly, so bloody slowly we finally got home 8:00. [I was too young and self-centred to realise that this was the last visit my aunt who lived interstate would have with her mother (Nana) before they left Cairns tomorrow. So very selfish, in hindsight…] I rang him as soon as I got in the door… cutie (short -10 min) phone call, just to hear his voice before school. A Life in WordsAfter shower, watching NORTH & SOUTH & fucking mother turned it off & made us “have an early night” …it’s fuckin 9:40.. thats not fuckin early …what’s the fuckin point? It’s shit. She’s so dumb I’m not gonna get up at 5:00. . I can get ready in  10 minutes → we’re leaving 6:15 … I’m getting up at 6:00. FUCK YOU. [Well there’s a dummy-spit and a half! Kids really don’t like Discipline do they?!]

Tuesday 21/4/87

[My cousin wrote “Bye Lis ♥ Jo xox” on the first line of this page] I was cranky at being woken at 5:45… but, once they were gone (it was freezing at the airport!) [Really? Freezing in Cairns?] I was feeling better [hmm, that doesn’t sound very nice, but I’m quite sure it wasn’t anything personal toward my cousins; I would’ve meant that my crankiness dissipated by the time they left]. .a bit nervous going to school again… dunno why .. perhaps that I wasn’t wearing the bandage? Well, that wasn’t bad at all .. most people didn’t notice (well, didn’t stare when I looked at ’em – I didn’t notice anyone noticing) [Strangely, my self consciousness about my scar had a direct effect on my courage: not typically one to make eye contact with strangers, I brazenly held my gaze upon those who noticed it, as most of them would eventually look up from leg to my face. (To assign identity? Or search for a clue in the owner’s face of the story behind the deformity?) Having grown up believing it was rude to stare, there may have been a certain self-righteousness driving my courage: by catching them gawking was I hoping to embarrass them for their overt curiosity?] s’posed to be 19º tonite YAY!! Mark & I got on v. well!! A Life in WordsSpending lotsa time together (argh – mozzies.) Had a biro fight in biology ..almost serious (was saying to Fi . . I think we can sense (well I do) when our “picking” is getting too close to a fight & thus “back off” at least a little! now Cool, great!) He rang me this arvy – wowee!!! We are becoming slightly more openly affectionate (ie: at school etc in public) Almost had a blue on the phone tonite ..but solved again! I wanna serious talk to him soon.. ask him how I’m going… whether I’m doing anything now that bugs him (I’m doing everything else he asked … talking to him – going up to him – relaxing (I think!)) [OMG, who IS this person?! The proverbial doormat? Why so eager to please, to change, for one person? Even if you’re not one to believe in Karmic debts or patterns, it’s obvious that he was an important ‘teacher’ and that this relationship presented me with some significant life lessons, for which I can only be grateful.] Walked to shop this arvy…got mima & fiona easter goodies. Am getting so fat. . . I think it may be my Freddy soon, that’s the prob! [For those that mightn’t have heard of it before, ‘Freddy’ was (yet another) slang term for menstruation…] Early! Is only 8:55 & I’m ready 4 bed!

Wednesday 22/4/87

I’m really scared. I mean really scared.. about my future. My life. These horrible feelings I have…that life is pointless [uh-huh! here it is..]. .and it all has mainly to do with Mark [oh, no, not what I was thinking…]…he is very bored (I rang him briefly tonight) with life and (we nearly had a big fight tonight) it is getting me… I feel it, too [but Elissa, you are very sensitive and often subject to the moods of others…] and it scares me.. A Life in Wordswe are too young to be sick of life already … and another thought.. no matter how I try, I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone the way I love Mark [well, to begin with, you can’t TRY to love people…] ..even when I go to Brisbane ..I’ll always have him on my mind. That’s scary, too, to think I love him so much, when I haven’t loved a guy before. [There’s always a first, for every one, in every thing…] I am capable of very deep love .. but incapable of getting over a broken love (as deep as that) I’m sure I know what’ll happen – he’ll find someone for himself, who he’ll love more than me & want to marry & I’ll still love him because I can’t get him out of my mind or heart, to love another guy… Or try to. [Good news, people; my pessimistic predictions were wrong… I didn’t suffer a loveless life. What a tragic-romantic!] Boring day. School always is … Life is. I did HW tonight. It rained today. A Life in WordsI got my senior badge. Went grocery shopping with mum after school. Ate a lot of junk. [….and THAT would’ve helped your mood. Not.]

Thursday 23/4/87

I felt kind of happy today. I still felt depressed & scared this morning.. I said I wished I’d died in the crash and so mum made an appointment with kerri [the social worker from my hospital stay, with whom I’d had the best connection] for after school. I actually hung around Mark less today..and I think it made me feel better for it …before school a little, during bio, a little of recess, a little at big lunch (was with Fi, Seigi, Nicole, Juliet the rest _ _ he missed me too: looking for me!) & minute after school. So I was happy when I went to see Kerri.. but talking brought up all my fears, worries & depression. I realised, however, that Kerri was right- I’m depending on Mark only (that’s too much for him) …I know what I need ..spend more time with Fiona, Mima, Sharon .. do the things I used to do…go out, to parties etc.. without Mark .. to free him & get some excitement or change of scene for me.. then I’ll enjoy other things more! [Hallelujah. Yes, Be Your Own Person: Life Lesson 101!] Rainy – pouring late this arvy & tonight. 9:34. A Life in WordsI must have a positive outlook to make me feel better Pessimism always nags me, tho’. I actually started some art today! Getting fat (& periods)

Friday 24/4/87

It’s raining – I love rain at night. Today was good, indeed. I didn’t talk before school & very little at little lunch ..when we did see each other at big lunch & after school.. we were happier ..for sure (well I was!) I think  the less time we spend together ..the more sacred & exciting our time together becomes. And that’s what I need; excitement .. I am seeing a difference in my life .. I’ve acquired a primarily positive outlook! [Wow, that was quick, like the flick of  switch? At risk of sounding like the pessimist I can be, let’s see how long it lasts…] Lotsa HW this weekend..english assignment & art contract due Monday. Went home in Brewer’s combi – Brent drove it to school- stopped at Kentucky Fried! Mark rang – said he’s working 1pm-9pm Sat. night – can’t go bowling (with me, mim, Brent, Fi ..) but we’ll get around that, we decided (HOW? Well, that we didn’t decide)A Life in Words went to see PLATOON Gory – gruesome. Brent, Steven & Keith were there too. (M&I walked around town first- met Gordon C. & Clayton E. & Russell C.) Dropped Keith home as well as Mark. Mark is being so much nicer lately. . .  I have 2 theories as to why ..either it’s because I feel happier that he is, or appears to me to be, [well hello! here’s a hint of the Law of Attraction] OR he has hi’s & lo’s in his personality depending on moods & he just happens to be in a good one

Saturday 25/4/87

I woke around 9:20!! Wow! Watched TV & listened to music & doing (little) homework all day… rang mima twice, Sharon once. She rang me once again & I rang Mark & he rang me. Well, I had a shower etc when mima fi & Brent came, Sharon was late. Off to Kentucky Fried (yummy! laughs!) Bowling was fun! I came last in the 1st game, but 2nd in the 2nd! Big jump! .. I needed to warm up first, that’s why I did badly 1st game. [Also, I’ve never been a star athlete… but if I try my hand at something I can usually master it, over time.] Well I rang Mark from the alley to say we’d be a little longer. It was O.K. . he’d only just got home. (Found out I’d forgotten to change before I left home..thought all night I’d leak ..but was so surprised when I got home .. NOTHING at all!!! Only night 3, too!) [I guess there’s no need to explain what that was all about?] Picked Mark up . . party boring, very boring at first ..but soon we started holding hands etc. almost got ‘there’ [no, still not what y’all think!] but this guy came up & talked to him for ages..so I had to go.. he came to say goodbye. . only 1 big kiss Poopy! said he’d ring me tomorrow (rainy weather still!) Oh, I wish (!!) Fi & I once on our way home realised (we both had wanted to stay!) we had enough $ between us, to get a taxi home. TOO LATE!

Sunday 26/4/87

Today was boring, but something very freaky happened tonight. I woke just before 9:00 & spent (what time I did) the day doing my art.. have 3 left to do. . . argh! (Mucking around, otherwise) Mark rang me during my dinner ..at work (he was) talked briefly- a customer came in. Oh well .. I was doing my work, listening to the radio [via my walkman, so I had headphones on] (at the dining room table – Julia in her armchair) I heard a “thump” [it wasn’t loud, I saw something out of the corner of my eye…] ..looked at a 45″ record (single) on the floor. Took little notice for a few seconds ..How did it get there, from being wedged in the mantelpiece thingy? Turned off my radio [removed my headphones] & bent down to pick it up. A Life in WordsGuess what it was .. Walk Like An Egyptian… the only 45″ we own, that was one of Moni’s favourite songs. I was a little frightened, but mostly bewildered & shocked. FREAKY ..or just coincidence? Wow. when I told Jules, I could tell she was scared (not very scared.. just shaken up.) [We put the record on, to ‘acknowledge’ her…] Anyway, I feel spooked a bit, thinking about it..but I’m not scared.. If it was Monique .. I’m glad she let me know she’s there. [There’s no doubt in my mind that it was Monique. I analysed the situation over and over and there’s NO other explanation. The windows were closed so there was no air movement. And our numerous 45″ records were firmly wedged by a basketful of cassettes into a recess (shelf) in “the mantelpiece thingy” (which was directly behind me as I worked at the dining room table). Further inspection revealed that the shelf inclined towards the front (opening) so anything rolling forward out of it would defy laws of Physics. What are the chances? What are the chances that of all the singles records we owned, the one that meant the most to Monique, rolled out of its cover, forward out of an up-slanting shelf, to land right-side up, by my feet? I’m sorry if you’re a skeptic, but that shit doesn’t just happen. That’s WAY beyond coincidence.]