Big Boobs, A Buried Hatchet & Relationship Chaos (18-24 January)

Monday 18/1/88

A Life in Words
Palm Cove, with its view of Double Island

Well I was only just awake when Sharon rang. I got up & she wanted me to ride over, then we’d ride to Palm Cove. So I got ready & was just about to leave when mum got the mail: my QTAC stuff arrived. I’d gotten into Gatton – only the B. Tourism, tho’ (like Mark) so I’ve put down that I’ll defer, but I’d still like my higher preferences to be considered. Anyway, the ride was extremely hot and hard, and I nearly stacked it near Smithfield Shopping Centre. So I “collapsed” at Sharon’s and (as she was at Smithfield) when she came back I refused to get on my bike again. So Mrs Weeks dropped us at the beach (Palm Cove) and we lay for only a few minutes, on the beach (it was very hot – mum told me later it was 35°C at 10.30 this morning) then to Ramada for a swim. We saw Juliet’s Dad – Mr. P & Sharon talked to him. It’s so beautiful, that pool, that whole resort! The pool was very cool and the spa, although warm (hot!) was very “theraputic”! After that we lay for awhile in the sun, before “exploring” the hotel and then going down to the shop to get lunch. Back at Ramada, we swam again then hopped in the spa (talking to some English tourists) -couldn’t get  a word in edgewise!) out again, we packed up & went to the shop for last snacks, then tried to ring Sharon’s parents. Her dad took us home. I rang mum, chucked the bike in the ‘back’ [of the car] and at home, read my Gatton info properly. Got ready & went to TAFE – what a let-down: they don’t have a receptionist course at all. Great; so I’m going to have to get an ordinary job for this year. Huh. Well Mark rang around 6:00, 6.30 – and said he’d try to come over. I cleaned out my top drawers and watched TV. He rang saying he’d be late: and he arrived after 9.00. It was boring (especially & ‘extremely’ for him) We watched the Thorn Birds .. that was it: did nothing else, though I tried (well not really) then he wanted to leave straight after. I tried to stop him from going: he was joking around & I just got all choked up & started crying. I don’t really know why – I guess it was because he’s going soon, and we don’t, I think, seem to be spending enough time together. He got out & hugged (& kissed me) And he promised to ring me tomorrow. I need a good sleep.

Tuesday 19/1/88

Woke quite early (that’s becoming an annoying habit lately) but slept in. Was surprised when Mark rang at 9.30 (I thought it’d be 10:00 at the very earliest) We didn’t really decide on anything to do, but he said he’d come over. I thought ½hr…but he rolled up a little later: and I mean rolled: on a bike (he rode here) A Life in WordsWe had a really good day surprisingly enough – water/hose fights … annoying & tickling while watching cricket: was really fun! And when he was going to go, he rang his mum (to pick up the bike) and asked if I could stay, so we mucked around till his dad came, then I hurriedly packed a bag (forgetting the bloody meds & pill) At Mark’s, we mucked around; didn’t really do much: did a lot of kissing, tho’…. most kissing we’ve ever done in one day …YUMMY! Watched cricket … exciting Aust. win! We went to bed at 10.00 or so, and well, talked & kissed till 12.30. Talked about us: not the ordinary relationship stuff, but the sexual side …communication! [privacy omission] I couldn’t believe that: I always thought they [my boobs] were average but he said he always thought they were big. He said [privacy omission] Anyway it was about 12.30, when I climbed back into my bed….

Wednesday 20/1/88

Woke early, around 7.30, again, but managed to doze awhile …Mark was very sleepy. He finally had to get up around 10.00 when Steven arrived. A Life in WordsI lay and listened to some tapes (he wouldn’t let me listen to the Hungry4Hits+1 [privacy omission]) then had a shower. After toast (& an uncomfortable ‘hello’ to Steven) [I’m not entirely sure why I felt uncomfortable? But then, I think he was someone I’d never truly felt comfortable around…] I watched TV, then because Mark wanted to go with Steven to Earlville, he drove me home [privacy omission] Said he’d ring me about what he’s doing tonight. So I unpacked & watched TV, and listened to music for most of the day. Theresa Lauren & Christie were at home when I got there (Julia was babysitting) Julia is being very badly affected by [privacy omission]: very cranky – snaps at you for no reason. Of course, I snap back because it annoys me. Fiona & Joannah (long lost friends!) rang me today. Fiona wanted to go out, and asked me to ring her back when I’d decided. Watching cricket, I fell asleep then Mark rang about 6.30 (earlier? Yeah, 5.30, sorry) and said he was going out, but to Scandals, instead. So I rang around to try to find out who else would be going out. It looked grim. But Fi said she’d come at 9.00. I got ready & we went & picked up Trevor, Matt & Steven G. Up there, Nigel was outside & Keith said they were being really strict on I.D. Fi & I waited awhile then she walked in with Willie & I on my own, totally ‘unhassled’. Was a bit empty inside I stood talking to Tania. Did a fair bit of dancing, before Mark turned up: I was by the airconditioner. with, get this: Nicole, Juliet & Jude, when he walked up & gave me some big passionate kisses… A Life in Wordsthey all walked off! Ha! I didn’t see him much; he got drunker & drunker & seemed to have less & less interest in me. Steven left, but Chris & Mark stayed. I was ‘lost’ … running around either Jude, Juliet, [privacy omission] or Megan. Fiona danced with Trevor nearly all night. Everytime I saw Mark he said he was going. Was he trying to get rid of me? Then this girl came up & dragged him to dance with ..ugh… Belinda K and he danced for ages then, he went to the toilet & I greeted him & we danced, found $2 & got a drink each. [Hmm, clearly still ‘Dollar Nights’ were still happening, not yet ‘illegal’…] [Privacy omission] also talked to me: He said sorry & I said “NO!” I was sorry for not talking last week. Anyhow – we buried the hatchet. Mark kept going to talk to Belinda & her friends. I was a bit hurt & annoyed – talked to Tania. Then he, Chris & Keith went outside. So, did it seem, did the whole of Smithy’s. Outside with Fi I saw [privacy omission] fighting someone, then further down the carpark – [privacy omission] they got into someone’s car & left. I felt so exhausted: bored, tired and annoyed, hurt & depressed about Mark. Finally Fi took me .. well, Matt first, then Trevor, but we had to go back to see if Steven G. was still there. He wasn’t & when Trev. got out again, I lay down & dozed off. Woke hearing [privacy omission] interrogating Fiona. I pretended to be asleep. Then, when she dropped me home – we talked. Then, I got into bed at 3.40.

Thursday 21/1/88

[Last night] I talked to heaps of people: Steven S, Stewart P, Richard O’S, Wayne C & Kel B, Tania (of course): people I wouldn’t (well except Tania, Kel & Wayne) normally talk to. Anyway, [today] I woke before 9.00 & couldn’t get back to sleep so did ‘nothing’ (listened to Bruce Springsteen) while waiting for Mark’s call. I was going to give him until 11.30 to ring & when he hadn’t, I tried – but the phone was engaged. I got through at 11.45 and he told me he was sore (ribs & ear) and that he went to Casualty at the hospital, last night, to check his wounds. A Life in WordsHe head-butted the guy, [privacy omission]. He thought he might’ve had cracked ribs so they went to hospital. I felt really sorry for him & said I’d be over ‘soon’. Got there during DAYS OF OUR LIVES, sometime and we just watched TV all night (I mean, afternoon) I went before he went to the dentist (or just as he was leaving) and he said he’d ring me when he got home. At home, I rang, who was it? CB & [privacy omission]! (I ‘christened’ their new phone) and talked for ages! Then Mark rang soon after & we decided I’d go to his place. On the way there I remembered I forgot meds, so we went to the shop… Julia saw Mark, so he saw us (he waved, she said) so we went back again (he saw us again, though) and got chocolate & lolly-gobble-bliss-bombs.A Life in Words Mark was waiting on the steps when I arrived and asked why we kept driving around. I produced the “goods” and he said silly girl! We watched TV all night (well, till after Moonlighting) when Mark wanted me to ask him Trivial Pursuit Q’s… but ended up watching Dallas, instead. Went to bed without kissing or talking (he didn’t seem to be talking to me)….

Friday 22/1/88

I remember waking briefly at 3.40am & wanting to wake Mark to wish him Happy Anniversary, but deciding against it. [Er, very good decision…] We woke quite early and the mucking around was a bit rougher. [privacy omission] I got a bit upset when he didn’t respond after that at all, & got up & walked out of the room. I heard him shower, then I got up, went to the loo & asked for a towel. I accidentally let Tippy [their dog] out and felt worse after that. I had a cry in the shower. Out, he was making breakfast & when he’d finished his, asked me if I wanted any. “NO.” I was watching TV. He sat down & mucked around with the Trivial Pursuit game, then asked if I’d like to play “Yeah”. So we did, and it was better after that. I asked for lunch, after Keith left [privacy omission]. Sandra made me a tunafish sandwich. I was shitty with Mark. [Here I have omitted details of his behaviour towards me]. So I did & it HURT. It hurt so much. I sat alone then Sandra & Mrs. W. went out. I watched cricket and cried. then I went in his room – [privacy omission] I asked what was wrong, why he was doing this to me – what did I do to deserve it? A Life in WordsHe said [privacy omission]. FUCK HIM. He got all shitty back last year when I joked about him leaving the hospital – he took that seriously – he overreacted and I wasn’t half as mean – [privacy omission]. He is a CONTRADICTORY PRICK. HE HURTS ME SO MUCH. I couldn’t believe this was happening. It was the first time he’d been like this since he’d been back – since we even broke up in September. WHY? I gathered I was suffocating him again … he was seeing too much of me. (We could never live together [well hello, glaring hint…] – it’d kill me – much as I’d’ve liked to) So I apologised, [WTF… why?] said I’d call him. [I’m not sure if you can fathom exactly how painful this is for me to witness and ‘re-live’: my blindness, weakness, (stupidity?) attachment (addiction) and tenacity is beyond mortifying. It’s glaringly obvious now how unhealthy the relationship was – for both of us – but it was an imperative life experience.] Mum came & I was only ‘silent’ at home for a little while. Rang Mima – she got back this morning! So mum dropped me round – I have no present for her yet, she didn’t give me anything, anyway. She (nor anyone) seemed not to have put on weight, [I obviously had it in my head that everyone who holidayed overseas should gain weight? I’d made similar comments about Mark upon his return as well…] though her face & hands were much paler. [Uh, der… Europe in Winter; not a lot of sunbaking going on…] She dropped me home after 6.00 & I rang CB. She wasn’t going out, was home on her own & asked if I’d like to come over. I said yes. There, around 8.00, we listened to music & talked & wrote in her Euroka [the Cairns High school magazine/yearbook], after I rang Mark. He seemed O.K. again… again we talked for awhile. I mentioned Cameron visited me, and he thought I meant at CB’s (Ha,ha!) No! Before I left for CB’s! (He’s going Thursday, to the Gold Coast)  A Life in WordsSo we got a delivery pizza & after 11.00, we watched RAGE although CB fell asleep.. I soon did too … kept dozing on & off (mostly off) At 2.30 I woke her (well she kinda woke at the same time I sat up) & we got ready for bed. Then she started talking again..

Saturday 23/1/88

We woke a little after 7.00. I rang mum at 7.35 (sat watching RAGE TOP 50, while CB got ready for work, before mum picked me up) At home, continued watching Rage & Jo rang during INXS “Need You Tonight” A Life in Wordsto say how stunningly similar Mark was to the drummer, Andrew Farriss; [we had previously noticed and marvelled at this apparent coincidence back in August 1987 (see here) whilst attending their ‘Kick’ concert at the showgrounds] we didn’t really have much else to say to each other, otherwise. Watched the last of it (Faith is no# 1 again – yay!) and spent the day listening to music, doing scrapbook but mostly NOTHING. Rang Fiona after 4.00- talked about Mark: then rang CB – she said she’d ring [privacy omission]. I rang Mark after 5.00 & he wasn’t extremely friendly. Said he’d watched videos today – went to Keith’s and they went to Nicole’s. [Privacy omission]. Then he refused my offer of the movies, saying he might go with Keith to the Drive-In. Didn’t invite me [privacy omission] BASTARD. I hung up & tried hardest to ring Fi (engaged for ages) Then I bauled on the phone. She says I should forget him: [privacy omission]. I rang [privacy omission] & she rang Nicole who told her she was going to the Drive In. Great. “Liar”, I thought. I rang him up, using the excuse that [privacy omission] was going to pick up the Trivial Pursuit. He wasn’t going. Oh. So I watched TV & eventually rang him again. This time he was going. HURT. Anyway, he said he’d ring me tomorrow. so we’ll wait & see if he remembers. It’s only 8.35 – there’s nothing on TV tonight – I’m alone. Seems everyone’s out – Mum & Julia at movies with Cynthia, mima, Fi & Sue, Brent etc at the movies, Mark at movies and CB, [privacy omission] etc at 21st party. So I’m going to have an early night – maybe wake later to watch some Rage (on my TV) [Wha…? ‘My’ TV? We must have bought our new little Sony telly so I inherited the old 1970’s Rank Arena set …that still required knob-tuning to change channels, volume, etc!] Mum just rang to say she’s coming soon. I’d like to be asleep by then. A Life in WordsPretty bloody horrible day today, but I might go to the beach tomorrow & definitely to Beach Party Nite at the Playpen at night. Oh, and Mark’s ringing …(?!?)

Sunday 24/1/88

Well, I woke around 8.30 and thought immediately of Mark (of course) Decided to wait to ring Fi and watched cricket, but 9.30 was too late as I found out: she’d just left for mima’s. I waited (must’ve been longer than I thought) to ring mima & there was no answer cricket was off due to rain. I rang again round lunch time, but still no answer. “Great”, I thought. So much for sympathy for Elissa. So I watched TV all day. (yeah, cricket came back on) & was just finishing writing to Gatton about deferment when Mike & Cynthia came. Luckily was not long till [privacy omission] & CB (& Pol & Peter) dropped by & said “we’re going to Crystals”. I grabbed a towel & with a short singlet dress & no shoes, felt like a big dag. Picked up Sharon, then at Crystals walked right up to near the top & eventually only stayed for about ½hr (it was cold). On way home, stopped in.. CB, [privacy omission] & Sharon looked at photo albums & school magazines & my scrapbook while (& after I’d finished) packing. Then we went to withdraw money for Sharon, but she’d left her cashcard at home, so [privacy omission] drew some of hers. FOOD from Kentucky Fried, then muck around back at [privacy omission]‘s. Tasha & Lisa C came up, as well as Matt & Trevor. I rang mum & found out Mark apparently said “Where is she?” and Julia said “I don’t know, but she won’t be coming home tonight.” So. What was I to do? I felt sick thinking about it – CB said yes, [privacy omission] said no – what should I do? I left it too late anyway: We were running late as it was. Got to Double Vision just before 9.00 – Megan was there, but not alone – with Ashley & ..Jo! Yay! But Ashley & Jo went home. At first, Sharon, CB & I went up, but CB & I were rejected. I produced false school I.D. & she just accepted it. CB luckily got in on a change of bouncers. then she & Sharon had a really ‘hot’ cocktail [called a ‘Zombie’ and “hot” in that it was – like the ‘Explosion’s we drank at the House on the Hill nightclub – consumed while alight] & were blown away. Guess who we saw? And who went up to talk to? A Life in Words(CB & Sharon) DANNY ROBERTS! From Sons & Daughters! – Andy Greene!! [Who? Until I found a photo (right) I was coming up blank…] But I stayed with [privacy omission] & Megan cos’ they weren’t ‘chasing’ him [I’ve always despised the ‘groupie’ thing; hanging around people for their fame seemed so shallow to me.] – I got bored instead because they were after this other guy. Remember Tyler N? He was there and god, is he hot?! YUMMY. When it ended (well, you should’ve seen the wet Tshirt competition- this horrid guy was standing near me coaxing me to go in it, saying, “you’ll make a killing. If you’ve got it, flaunt it.” Stupid shit.) [Creep.] We went to a 24hr & [privacy omission] stole 2 blocks of chocolate. I was smoking & spinning out!! CB & Matt (W) had a big chocolate fight & [privacy omission] was not impressed. We dropped Megan home and got ready for bed at [privacy omission]‘s. Then I was writing my diary when CB started reading it, cause she was trying to ignore [privacy omission] – it really scared us for awhile – he was scraping a rake against the windows, then hiding. It’s 2.00 and I’m finally finished! Yay! But I’m not even real tired. Guess I’ll have to ring Mark soon (tomorrow) Mph! God I hate Nicole! [Nah, you’re just intimidated by her.] I guess CB & I’ll be talking for awhile now…. G’nite!

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Cardiovascular Conditioning & Sizzling My Scar (27 April-3 May)

Monday 27/4/87A Life in Words

Periods are a pain in the arse. Bella was at school today – for a visit; I didn’t quite know what to say to her ..it was embarrassing. [I’m not exactly sure what I meant by this.. perhaps that, outside of our shared injuries/hospital experience I didn’t really know her, so didn’t know how to comfortably converse with her?] Also Mark gave back  my necklace – has a rash on his neck & it’s irritating (wonder if it caused it ..or if that’s a subtle hint) [paranoia or gut feeling?] HOT (not really just warmer than usual – & sunnier most of the day!) Of all the people I told (about last night’s freaky experience.). they were all “shocked” except Mark- I thought so .. he doesn’t believe in that stuff, I gather. My day O.K. got on O.K. little lunch (end of) + what. I saw of him in big lunch & then in bio, I took his chair away from him & he hit the floor (then me, of course) But got shitty (muck ’round) & wouldn’t talk to me. I got worried of course ..when I rang him tonight, he sounded very bored ..vague disinterested said he hurt his leg again ..nothing to do with me – “don’t be silly” (I’ll bet it is though) Late night. Mark is so moody. . sometimes I really feel I don’t care. (But I always do, underneath, tho.) 10:50. HOT! Rushed art for nothing – found out I needn’t have handed in any if I chose! […part of the ‘Special Consideration’ I received due to the accident and its aftermath. Because I was absent from school for six weeks, my first term was effectively ‘wiped’ with respect to my final senior grading. In fact, my entire first semester was taken into account and bore less weight than the second in the end.] so 4/7 [pieces] ain’t bad!!

Tuesday 28/4/87

Went to see Kerri again this week..this arvy Just me..mum & Julia outside. I talked about how I understand my life situation and am going to tackle it ..front on..Kerri said I am a strong person [as have many others since] – she’s going to try & build up my confidence. Well, I felt sick this morning- it ended up being worry over Mark ..I still haven’t adjusted to his moods & sarcastic behaviour. A Life in WordsBarely talked all day (even thru’ bio prac.. rat dissection!) till big lunch.. had a talk.. I felt a little better. have worked out yet another thing (we only solve things bit by bit in dribs & drabs) he is not ever bored with me – when I’m round, he is just so relaxed that he feels he doesn’t need to say anything. See? mmm, well.. told Mr Patty quickly today about Sun. night..he seems pleased (& believes) it happened. [Mr Patty was the teacher whose talk with me in hospital soon after the accident struck a chord, easing my mind and creating the basis of my spiritual belief system for Life. (Go to this post to revisit this experience). He’d said he believed that deceased loved ones will send you a message or some kind of sign that they’re there and are okay some time after they pass. Monique certainly did that for me, unequivocally.] I am for sure. I’m also excited again- I’m interested in school… but esp. social life .. I do more with Fi & Mima now …and of course still there’s Mark .. so I’m happy (also that Monique is there with me!) Can’t wait for Terry’s party this weekend. Fi & I (get Sharon to, too) wanna go. (I haven’t gotten “happy” for ages it seems!) [Rather than “not miserable” that “happy” actually refers to being “tiddly-drunk”…] Life has new meaning!!! Skin is clearing up. I’m Getting fatter argh!

Wednesday 29/4/87

10:30. 3rd night in a row – I can’t handle these late nights. Good day today. Bella was at school- in our bio. class. [I’m obviously more comfortable with her by now?] (my skin’s clearing up!) Caught the bus to school .. Mark talking (mostly about the starsign book – all day really) to me before school..during bio…little lunch… and big lunch.. cutey!!! In fact, a happy day all over! Recreation – aerobics; we were late (the Northland Buses forgot to come-that’d be right) [Northland were the owners of our ill-fated bus and I wasn’t a fan of them, understandably. Since initial police investigations implied that brake failure was the cause of the accident, there wasn’t a positive feeing toward them by the community in general either. I believe they ended up liquidating at some point after all the legalities (formal inquiries and trial) were finished…]  A Life in WordsAerobics was hard … the hardest part mainly was the running & jumping exercises – the cardio-vascular work-out I couldn’t bear that too much. [Wimp! To be fair, I didn’t know how to breathe back then. Oh to have known the things I do now! At least I never wore the high cut G-string leotards & leg warmers! (see pic)] Realised so how much out of condition I am. [Um, were you ever IN condition?!] Wanna start riding to school again soon. Mark does weight training while we do aerobics (skint!) But I didn’t see him at all really. Julia said she did & that he sometimes looked at me Skint! [GAWD I hate that word! When the hell did I grow out of it?] Mr Grossetti took Fi & I home.. so I got home v. early.. read Dolly all arvy & tonite wrote out ‘Taurus Male-Cancer female’ essay for Mark for 2morrow. [Priorities? Messed. Up. Can’t do an english assignment overnight to save yourself but no problems writing one out for your boyfriend.] mm… I’m happy. or pleased. Today was nice, indeed. Even though it was bloody hot (esp. during aerobics!) Did no HW – argh! (FAT!)

Thursday 30/4/87

Another good day. (Asked “officially” to go to Terry’s party! Am going – you bet!) Talked quite a bit! (But today he was more crazy than ever.. acting wierd & silly) Then, we went late night shopping tonight, just the two of us – Jemima [privacy omission], Brent working (visited him) so Fi decided to leave us alone. It was good tonight – I asked him to the formal- he is my partner for sure & we’re wearing black & electric blue (& white – for his shirt) Unreal!! When talking to Brent he mentioned he was saving to take mima on a holiday at the end of the yearA Life in Words..suggested Mark & I come with them to an island resort (Mark wants to go to the Gold Coast [Schoolies? It wasn’t quite the massive event back in the 80’s as it is now. In fact, I didn’t even know it existed…] (well, not really: wanted to go overseas, but had to settle for Gold Coast)) would be good if I could spend it with him. That’d be unreal. (Little worried before we went -when I’d rung him (after several ‘engaged’ attempts) said he’d been on the phone to Tricia.. what about? Scary.. but I soon forgot. He loves me.) Cannot wait for Saturday night!!! COOL! Is 10:10. Am buggared. Good ideas what to get Mark 4 Birthday! Sleep now… must sleep (saw Kylie – his old flame tonite – she’s short[interesting choice of criticism…]

Friday 1/5/87

Mark is such a cutey! Came late today and I only got to talk to him at big lunch – he left ½-¾ way through it – was very tired & bored.. (Seemed a little shitty at little lunch- with Steven – not me) so I had another good day. Cannot wait for Terry’s party -Fi’s going & Justine (lots of people are!) I tried to ring Sharon but no answer (about 8:30) so will ring tomorrow. Went into town with Jules & mum… just little things… tried on my formal dress again- will need to lose weight for it- off the stomach only, really.A Life in Words [Also clearly didn’t know back then that you “can’t spot-reduce”] I love it!! Get it made in blue for Mark. Oh, I can’t wait Got my new camera working tonight! (Got it last nite at Earlville-it’s beaut!) [If it’s the one I’m thinking of, it was a funky red thing…] Am gonna take it tomorrow night (& lock it in Brent’s car when I’m finished with it.) Cannot wait! When I got home .. there were about 3 messages – all from Mark on the machine (what a cutie!) I’d wanted an early night. Fat chance it’s 10:35. Still too warm- when will winter hit us?!?

Saturday 2/5/87

Woke about 7:00- angry… I couldn’t sleep in longer.. today I did my crash scrapbook all day (almost)… well .. sticking in cards, that is .. I got them in order & began sticking them a few in.. cause there were so many interruptions… I went in to town to buy fixative [an art product] and, Ross & Thelma came over (leaving tomorrow I think) for a while. I tried to ring Sharon all day… only got onto her mum around 5:00- she couldn’t come. Just fuckin’ great. So I rang Fi & we decided when Brent went to pick up them, they’d come here & we could take Justine. So, finally at about 10:00 they came (I was so tense!) Brent & Fi went to pick up Thorstein..we stopped at a bottle shop.. at the party (heaps of people compared to last year) found Mark – drank my 3 Westcoasts (well, 2½).. was boring really. I was tired .. police came around so everyone had to go (about 11:30) I stayed sitting with Mark for ages … then I left around 1:00. Boring. Was an excellent start. Oh! Robbie was there & I said hello when I was talking to Maureen (she was looking for him at one stage) she said he said something (good) about me: wonder what? She was laughing about the fact that I got with him… [1987 witnessed my first ever ‘obligatory’ New Year’s Kiss… even though I wasn’t actually searching for it. This post will fill you in…] why did he blab? [Oh who knows, and what does it matter, Liss, really? The over-analytical mind feeds paranoid thought patterns…] Boring

Sunday 3/5/87

Got up around 9:00. so tired! Did nothing today – tried to do english but just couldn’t. [Ha. See?!] Nana came over today & Ross & Thelma too.. to see her before they left. Otherwise that was it. A Life in WordsI sunbaked around 3:00-4:00…my scars (the white parts – I put zinc on the tender red bits-) are now pink & that will (hopefully) go brown. [Oh dear, I hope I didn’t actually do more damage. The aim was concealment: my idea was that by tanning the paler skin, the red keloid scarring would be less conspicuous.] Mark rang while I was in the shower, so rang back about 10/15 mins later. Talking cute. God, he’s gorgeous. I love him so much. (Realised it’s been a week tonight since Monique dropped “Walk Like An Egyptian” on the floor, for me to see – everybody I’ve told (& there were quite a few!) seems to believe!) [The message from my deceased friend was, and remains, one of the most impressive & unforgettable experiences in my life to date. Go to my previous week’s post for the details of the ‘occurrence’.] I’m seeing Mark tomorrow hopefully. Must do my assignment tomorrow or I’ll be in deep shit. Watched the movie- is now 10:40. Am so tired (Mark got ‘hit’ last night – there was a fight ‘tween Patrick O’S & PP – Patrick missed Peter twice – got Terry & Mark.) Poor Baby. Am gonna ask dad if Mark can come to Port Douglas for the wedding. [his marriage to my stepmother Jenny] Hope so. So much. Fete this Friday – cool!! NIGHT!

Emotional Depths & A Message From Monique (20-26 April)

Monday 20/4/87

Um, was woken early by the others getting ready to go to Green Island… we dropped them off, went to the dump &, at home mum cleaned the car.. went to pick up the Dandos (remember them? John & Christine – – not the kids) [I am of course, asking to myself this question; not expecting you readers to know who these people were… Oh, and the answer is yes, I do remember them.] they stayed a while. All I did was finish covering my books & write out my chem. notes…no assignments done at all. SHIT. (all day!) The others came back around 4:00 (I cut mag. pictures & decorated my diary) After roast dinner (early) . . went to Nana’s (6:30) time flew . . at 7:30 I wanted to go ..slowly, so bloody slowly we finally got home 8:00. [I was too young and self-centred to realise that this was the last visit my aunt who lived interstate would have with her mother (Nana) before they left Cairns tomorrow. So very selfish, in hindsight…] I rang him as soon as I got in the door… cutie (short -10 min) phone call, just to hear his voice before school. A Life in WordsAfter shower, watching NORTH & SOUTH & fucking mother turned it off & made us “have an early night” …it’s fuckin 9:40.. thats not fuckin early …what’s the fuckin point? It’s shit. She’s so dumb I’m not gonna get up at 5:00. . I can get ready in  10 minutes → we’re leaving 6:15 … I’m getting up at 6:00. FUCK YOU. [Well there’s a dummy-spit and a half! Kids really don’t like Discipline do they?!]

Tuesday 21/4/87

[My cousin wrote “Bye Lis ♥ Jo xox” on the first line of this page] I was cranky at being woken at 5:45… but, once they were gone (it was freezing at the airport!) [Really? Freezing in Cairns?] I was feeling better [hmm, that doesn’t sound very nice, but I’m quite sure it wasn’t anything personal toward my cousins; I would’ve meant that my crankiness dissipated by the time they left]. .a bit nervous going to school again… dunno why .. perhaps that I wasn’t wearing the bandage? Well, that wasn’t bad at all .. most people didn’t notice (well, didn’t stare when I looked at ’em – I didn’t notice anyone noticing) [Strangely, my self consciousness about my scar had a direct effect on my courage: not typically one to make eye contact with strangers, I brazenly held my gaze upon those who noticed it, as most of them would eventually look up from leg to my face. (To assign identity? Or search for a clue in the owner’s face of the story behind the deformity?) Having grown up believing it was rude to stare, there may have been a certain self-righteousness driving my courage: by catching them gawking was I hoping to embarrass them for their overt curiosity?] s’posed to be 19º tonite YAY!! Mark & I got on v. well!! A Life in WordsSpending lotsa time together (argh – mozzies.) Had a biro fight in biology ..almost serious (was saying to Fi . . I think we can sense (well I do) when our “picking” is getting too close to a fight & thus “back off” at least a little! now Cool, great!) He rang me this arvy – wowee!!! We are becoming slightly more openly affectionate (ie: at school etc in public) Almost had a blue on the phone tonite ..but solved again! I wanna serious talk to him soon.. ask him how I’m going… whether I’m doing anything now that bugs him (I’m doing everything else he asked … talking to him – going up to him – relaxing (I think!)) [OMG, who IS this person?! The proverbial doormat? Why so eager to please, to change, for one person? Even if you’re not one to believe in Karmic debts or patterns, it’s obvious that he was an important ‘teacher’ and that this relationship presented me with some significant life lessons, for which I can only be grateful.] Walked to shop this arvy…got mima & fiona easter goodies. Am getting so fat. . . I think it may be my Freddy soon, that’s the prob! [For those that mightn’t have heard of it before, ‘Freddy’ was (yet another) slang term for menstruation…] Early! Is only 8:55 & I’m ready 4 bed!

Wednesday 22/4/87

I’m really scared. I mean really scared.. about my future. My life. These horrible feelings I have…that life is pointless [uh-huh! here it is..]. .and it all has mainly to do with Mark [oh, no, not what I was thinking…]…he is very bored (I rang him briefly tonight) with life and (we nearly had a big fight tonight) it is getting me… I feel it, too [but Elissa, you are very sensitive and often subject to the moods of others…] and it scares me.. A Life in Wordswe are too young to be sick of life already … and another thought.. no matter how I try, I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone the way I love Mark [well, to begin with, you can’t TRY to love people…] ..even when I go to Brisbane ..I’ll always have him on my mind. That’s scary, too, to think I love him so much, when I haven’t loved a guy before. [There’s always a first, for every one, in every thing…] I am capable of very deep love .. but incapable of getting over a broken love (as deep as that) I’m sure I know what’ll happen – he’ll find someone for himself, who he’ll love more than me & want to marry & I’ll still love him because I can’t get him out of my mind or heart, to love another guy… Or try to. [Good news, people; my pessimistic predictions were wrong… I didn’t suffer a loveless life. What a tragic-romantic!] Boring day. School always is … Life is. I did HW tonight. It rained today. A Life in WordsI got my senior badge. Went grocery shopping with mum after school. Ate a lot of junk. [….and THAT would’ve helped your mood. Not.]

Thursday 23/4/87

I felt kind of happy today. I still felt depressed & scared this morning.. I said I wished I’d died in the crash and so mum made an appointment with kerri [the social worker from my hospital stay, with whom I’d had the best connection] for after school. I actually hung around Mark less today..and I think it made me feel better for it …before school a little, during bio, a little of recess, a little at big lunch (was with Fi, Seigi, Nicole, Juliet the rest _ _ he missed me too: looking for me!) & minute after school. So I was happy when I went to see Kerri.. but talking brought up all my fears, worries & depression. I realised, however, that Kerri was right- I’m depending on Mark only (that’s too much for him) …I know what I need ..spend more time with Fiona, Mima, Sharon .. do the things I used to do…go out, to parties etc.. without Mark .. to free him & get some excitement or change of scene for me.. then I’ll enjoy other things more! [Hallelujah. Yes, Be Your Own Person: Life Lesson 101!] Rainy – pouring late this arvy & tonight. 9:34. A Life in WordsI must have a positive outlook to make me feel better Pessimism always nags me, tho’. I actually started some art today! Getting fat (& periods)

Friday 24/4/87

It’s raining – I love rain at night. Today was good, indeed. I didn’t talk before school & very little at little lunch ..when we did see each other at big lunch & after school.. we were happier ..for sure (well I was!) I think  the less time we spend together ..the more sacred & exciting our time together becomes. And that’s what I need; excitement .. I am seeing a difference in my life .. I’ve acquired a primarily positive outlook! [Wow, that was quick, like the flick of  switch? At risk of sounding like the pessimist I can be, let’s see how long it lasts…] Lotsa HW this weekend..english assignment & art contract due Monday. Went home in Brewer’s combi – Brent drove it to school- stopped at Kentucky Fried! Mark rang – said he’s working 1pm-9pm Sat. night – can’t go bowling (with me, mim, Brent, Fi ..) but we’ll get around that, we decided (HOW? Well, that we didn’t decide)A Life in Words went to see PLATOON Gory – gruesome. Brent, Steven & Keith were there too. (M&I walked around town first- met Gordon C. & Clayton E. & Russell C.) Dropped Keith home as well as Mark. Mark is being so much nicer lately. . .  I have 2 theories as to why ..either it’s because I feel happier that he is, or appears to me to be, [well hello! here’s a hint of the Law of Attraction] OR he has hi’s & lo’s in his personality depending on moods & he just happens to be in a good one

Saturday 25/4/87

I woke around 9:20!! Wow! Watched TV & listened to music & doing (little) homework all day… rang mima twice, Sharon once. She rang me once again & I rang Mark & he rang me. Well, I had a shower etc when mima fi & Brent came, Sharon was late. Off to Kentucky Fried (yummy! laughs!) Bowling was fun! I came last in the 1st game, but 2nd in the 2nd! Big jump! .. I needed to warm up first, that’s why I did badly 1st game. [Also, I’ve never been a star athlete… but if I try my hand at something I can usually master it, over time.] Well I rang Mark from the alley to say we’d be a little longer. It was O.K. . he’d only just got home. (Found out I’d forgotten to change before I left home..thought all night I’d leak ..but was so surprised when I got home .. NOTHING at all!!! Only night 3, too!) [I guess there’s no need to explain what that was all about?] Picked Mark up . . party boring, very boring at first ..but soon we started holding hands etc. almost got ‘there’ [no, still not what y’all think!] but this guy came up & talked to him for ages..so I had to go.. he came to say goodbye. . only 1 big kiss Poopy! said he’d ring me tomorrow (rainy weather still!) Oh, I wish (!!) Fi & I once on our way home realised (we both had wanted to stay!) we had enough $ between us, to get a taxi home. TOO LATE!

Sunday 26/4/87

Today was boring, but something very freaky happened tonight. I woke just before 9:00 & spent (what time I did) the day doing my art.. have 3 left to do. . . argh! (Mucking around, otherwise) Mark rang me during my dinner ..at work (he was) talked briefly- a customer came in. Oh well .. I was doing my work, listening to the radio [via my walkman, so I had headphones on] (at the dining room table – Julia in her armchair) I heard a “thump” [it wasn’t loud, I saw something out of the corner of my eye…] ..looked at a 45″ record (single) on the floor. Took little notice for a few seconds ..How did it get there, from being wedged in the mantelpiece thingy? Turned off my radio [removed my headphones] & bent down to pick it up. A Life in WordsGuess what it was .. Walk Like An Egyptian… the only 45″ we own, that was one of Moni’s favourite songs. I was a little frightened, but mostly bewildered & shocked. FREAKY ..or just coincidence? Wow. when I told Jules, I could tell she was scared (not very scared.. just shaken up.) [We put the record on, to ‘acknowledge’ her…] Anyway, I feel spooked a bit, thinking about it..but I’m not scared.. If it was Monique .. I’m glad she let me know she’s there. [There’s no doubt in my mind that it was Monique. I analysed the situation over and over and there’s NO other explanation. The windows were closed so there was no air movement. And our numerous 45″ records were firmly wedged by a basketful of cassettes into a recess (shelf) in “the mantelpiece thingy” (which was directly behind me as I worked at the dining room table). Further inspection revealed that the shelf inclined towards the front (opening) so anything rolling forward out of it would defy laws of Physics. What are the chances? What are the chances that of all the singles records we owned, the one that meant the most to Monique, rolled out of its cover, forward out of an up-slanting shelf, to land right-side up, by my feet? I’m sorry if you’re a skeptic, but that shit doesn’t just happen. That’s WAY beyond coincidence.]

First Day of the Last Year (28 January)

Wednesday 28/1/87

A Life in WordsSCHOOL! Just watched a blooper show while writing back to Mark said a lot of (soppy) stuff. Today was GREAT!! I loved it! It’s 10:35. Poor Jules was crying this morning, [first day at a new school… stressful for most people…] but she was fine later on. Bus was quite full. All classes are basically the same – timetable has changed a fair bit. In art, we are in the textiles room-it’s “ours” [meaning us CAD art kids] um, in english Erica’s with me [I knew her from primary school, as did Jemima & Fiona. She was just starting at Cairns High, moving over from Smithfield where Fiona & I spent our first 3 years. I wouldn’t have mentioned her too much in the past because she associated with a different crowd there. Being a newcomer, but also a Freshie kid, we took her into our fold immediately] (& Jemila’s at CH in eng. too. (ung!!)) [the girlfriend of the guy I snogged New Year’s Eve… uncomfortable much?] – our class is so big now. Didn’t have bio -but it’ll be the same – possibly bigger – Erica also (possibly) in it! MaI [that’s an abbreviation for ‘Maths 1’] – Mark’s class – for computers! [Oh so we did have them back then …so I’m not a real dinosaur?] mim, moni & Justine are in the other class. In chem..we’re one big class now-but not quite too big. Talked to Mark a fair bit too. Showed him my dad’s watch (to me) Yukky! [A poor way of saying I showed him a watch my dad must’ve given me, that I clearly wasn’t fussed on.] Went to see Nana – walked to hospital from school. Was so hot today Hate the yr 12 area – too hot & crowded [As I have previously mentioned, there were traditional ‘territories’ students occupied, relative to their year level. To be honest, I have no idea where the juniors tended to congregate but in Year 12 we were obliged to move to the much less spacious, weather-exposed (opposite) side of the same building we had previously ‘owned’ in Year 11. The only ‘prestige’ I can attribute to it is that is was street-side… great for the exhibitionist licence-holders…] Oh well. Can’t wait for camp. Can’t wait God it’s hot. Hope I don’t get periods for the camp- will be just my luck.

And on the opening page of my scrapbook (created after the ‘event’ so therefore may sometimes sound ‘reflective’)… 

A Life in WordsFANTASTIC START to (what I thought would be) the best year of my life (so far) anyhow. Discovered few changes in timetable: my classes: Erica in my english class & in computer maths also …with Fiona, Steven, Mark, Brent, Cameron.

Walked up to the (Calvery) Hospital [Cairns’ only private hospital.. which is now actually named ‘Cairns Private Hospital’] to visit my grandmother after school.

JASON, [no idea why I wrote his name in ‘caps’] Mark & cameron visit me in Jas’s Hoony car, after school.

 

Six Sea Shells, Water Fights & ‘Hopeless Devotion’ (20-26 October)

Monday 20/10/86

I saw him (properly) once. And he smiled (I don’t know if it was to me but) he was looking at me at the same time. And keith was friendly enough – more so than Mark – but that’s just natural. I spent 3rd, little lunch, 4th, 5th & big lunch in the art room. My picture’s complete but I hate it. It’s boring. It needs something different. I hate it & I left my theory booklet in the art room so I haven’t done the theory (rang Monique to get the Questions) – God he’s gorgeous when he smiles!! (MW) A Life in WordsAlso started weight watchers today – was surprised how un-hungry I was!! Only got  abit near dinner time. Otherwise amazing!! Waking early to do sea shells [the art assignment I was struggling with. We were expected to create a piece with the ‘uniform’ title Six Sea Shells]. Do what? God only knows!! Is 9:55

Tuesday 21/20/86

Got a lift to school again – got my theory part finished just in time. Woke early-ish..did the picture; added tracing paper & cellophane. Am pleased with the end product. My theory I rushed during double bio, art & little lunch. Saw little of Mark, but think he was looking at me. Sharon reckons so, too – as well as Steven. (?? hope!) [← am not certain that that was the word I meant – I couldn’t decipher my handwriting] Big lunch – the first free one (really) since I’ve been back at school. In the Daily Sun in the Library, (Taurus) mark’s starsign read; “You will have a change of heart for someone or something.” Someone!! Me?? Hope! Yummy gorgeous! Stevie’s cute too [“Stevie”??!]. Is 9:10 – coulda bin in bed ages ago fooling round. Travers rang me 2nite didn’t know what to say. Six sea shells finished – now have english oral & assignment + chem + maths + STUDY for exams

Wednesday 22/10/86

Yes! Yes! Yes! I think he dropped Nicole tonight. He was looking at me. Also talked today a bit – great!!! Then tonight we talked even more. I think I can tell!! Did no HW. Sharon’s staying over – late notice. Decided at the dance – so she didn’t have to go home early. Hot it was. A Life in WordsRemind me to have a shower in the morning so I don’t stink. [Ooookaaay] Didn’t have much HW anyway. Finally got my bio mark back 35/40 Wo!! Still lotsa work to do. We talked a lot! I think I’ve realised the problem. I couldn’t hack it if Mark didn’t like me ever. I’m hopelessly devoted I think. [Yeah, that sure is a problem. The best news is that feeling changed!] Rode today. Rode home on own to make pants for the dance & I love ’em! Is [here I forgot to actually note the time]

Thursday 23/10/86

Yes! I did talk to him today! End of big lunch, before biology in 6th period And yes, I think he really does like me. Had fun at lunchtime today.. Angie, Fiona, Justine, Sharon, Donna, Sandie, Monique all ate mangoes from the big tree in the walkway down the centre of the school (I hate them) [not any more, they’re one of my favs now] & back at our area, Sharon & Kathyanne had a water fight. Got Asti. Were all sopping wet. All the guys & us girls were watching. They were (the guys) going to get me so Travers said. They got Fi when the bell went. Then Mark told me to come over “Fiona wanted to talk to me.” She said she didn’t – but I saw Steven with water so I ran. Yes! I was meant to be that target too, but Fi got it again. She was satched [a slang abbreviation for ‘saturated’]A Life in WordsDuring 7th p. started raining. Poured till about 6:00. Great rain!! Shoulda had an early night. Is 9:40. Got only 5 or so hours sleep last night. Sharon rode home on my bike at 5:50. Mum dropped me to school yet again.

Friday 24/10/86

Today we went downtown during period 4, 5, big lunch & 6th (& ½ of 7th) to clean off windows. Before that nothing happened except that I stuffed up my oral [english speaking assignment] totally. And I’m not going to repeat it [coz I detest “speaking in public”]. Walked downtown – mark, nev, Steven & keith right behind us. They, (mark, nev & steven) swam at Granada [a hotel] pool. I talked to him & steven. They disappeared then reappeared later. Talking to us, then steven started a fight – Mark & Steven against me with dirty (green) water. So? Who cares? [←not sure what that means] Then, walking back to school, Mark had a jet-spray gun. [Perhaps that’s what they went to get when they ‘disappeared’ earlier?] Chased me now & then Monique just walked. Stayed in art room for remaining school time – went for a walk – came back & mark & Steven had hidden our bags. Found them. Got changed and that was it. SO HOT. Glad I talk to Mark every day. [It had been a LONG time coming…the courage, the ‘opportunity’…] Does he really like me a lot? Beka’s staying over – came over primarily to see me – talking so much asked her to stay over.

Saturday 25/10/86

Beka left early. I spent the whole day writing the letter to Delanie, all about Mark. Get this → 32 pages long! Cherie & Petra (& Amanda) came over in the arvy. I love talking to Petra. I like Cherie a lot too. Got periods today. Anyhow, after I finally finished the letter (in a rush – I was so sick of writing it) I talked/thought about it. Writing that “history” and hearing it all again shed a different light on my feelings towards mark.A Life in Words I think, more like hope, that he really does like me more than other girls, in a different way. It’d be beautiful. I think I love him. He means almost everything to me at this point in time anyway. [Such a ‘romantic’.] Is 10:00. Wanna sleep in. Did little HW tonight. Have an english assignment left to do yet.

Sunday 26/10/86

Not an interesting day. Dad came around 11:00 [to pick us up]. (Before that I did some HW) I watched TV there. Oh! Besides that, I actually went for a walk on the beach [he and Jenny lived at Holloways Beach] for about 1 hour with Jules, during which I ‘leaked’ & I didn’t know till I got back. It was rectified, however. God its hot! Anthony, when I first saw him said to me “Liam wants to root you.” I couldn’t stop laughing (I didn’t know what to say?) [I seem to be stuck for words often. I’ve always been one of those people who thinks of a comeback or witty remark long after the moment has passed.] I always thought Liam hated me! Remembered how the others talked about him .. how he’d also screw [privacy omission here] if he had the chance. well, well…!!! [He’s a teenaged boy – isn’t that what most of them want to do?] Is only 8:00. Am going to bed. Did not even start my final english assignment, nor any study. Boring at dad’s I really really really [the third ‘really’ actually had a double underline under it. REALLY!] hope Mark likes me a real lot; and differently to all the others. That would be love. [Really?!]

A ‘Bizarre Love Triangle’ at the Fete (8-14 September)

Monday 8/9/86

Well quite a few people (I think; Donna, Sandie, Monique, Mima, Fiona, Sharon, Tania, Heather, Linda, Tanja, Judy & Rebecca G – that’s all I think) know about Phillip C liking me. And of those who know/have seen him, all reckon he’s cute – some say gorgeous – best bod!A Life in Words Lifesaver! Swimmer! Wow. But mima told me that Melinda B reckons Peter H was at Phillip’s place on Sunday; meaning he rang from there. SHAME!! But I still love Mark. But he obviously (??) likes Nicole… Cameron & Judy rubbed it in today. Cameron in chemistry said “Did you go with the others to the Playpen?” “No” went to the movies” – “Oh, we went to Nicoles.” Fine, Cameron – that’s just great. What’m I s’posed to say? Then Judy at the busstop reckons “Have you seen Nicole’s love bite? Can’t miss it – big purple mark all over her neck and shoulder.” Double fine, huh? You bastard Mark. You’ve got to love me. Please. I want you more than anything. [Ugh, desperation! With hindsight I have to say this whole infatuation experience was a HUGE ‘life lesson’ I did finally learn from.] I’m tired. Bin studying for maths Ha! Got chem mark back 11½/15 – I passed by lots!! Wow!! Bludge day.

Tuesday 9/9/86

A Life in Words
The Boland Centre was built in 1912 & showcased the department store David Jones right up until 1984

I won’t get to see what Phillip looks like until tomorrow; CAD (& selected Yr 11 & 12 art students – including Mark) are going walking around town during recreation time looking for people to do their windows for Fun In the Sun. Monique Sandie, me & Donna got the best block; Boland Centre, Rockmans, cominos arcade. Wo! Rage! (But I really wanted to go swimming so I could perve on Master C. Oh well! I still like Mark, but I don’t feel as depressed as before (I guess this matter with Phil has boosted my self-confidence somewhat) I’m watching a mini-series (Part 1) at the moment; it’s 9:55. Will probably get to bed around 11:30. Didn’t ride today. Maths exam I failed that’s all I have to say – I’m glad I learnt my content – that might’ve helped. HOPE Dunno if I’m riding tomorrow or not. Want to sleep in. Fun tomorrow I hope. Started doing some speech HW – unbelievable! Exam next Thurs.

Wednesday 10/9/86

Mima & I rode today (Adam, too) Didn’t get any test results back (i.e. Maths or English) At big lunch, Donna & I rode to City Place. We walked down to metropolitan building society so she could get money out then to Monique & Sandie (& Ms Marsland) for instructions about getting “clients”. All four of us had the best block to cover; the Boland centre one. It took longer than most others. Lots weren’t interested in us painting/decorating their windows – but there were still fair few who would “get back to us”. [Ha!] After, rode back to school, picked up my bag & waited for mima. I left & rode home on my own at 3:05 – quite impatient, then after speech when we were talking she said she got to school at 3:20 – lucky I didn’t wait – long time! But at speech asked Megan if she knew P.C. – she said “Yeah” I said what do you think of him? She said “pretty cute” & that one of her friends was flipped over him. That makes me feel really great. Someone who lotsa girls like & he likes me!! 10:40.

Thursday 11/9/86

Rode again. Got my haircut, too – (“much”) shorter on the left side. It feels much better. Rode really slowly esp. on the way home: stopped  & pigged out, let the buses pass us. (Forgot about Saints) [Phillip was a ‘Saints’ boy, so I suppose I thought he might be on that bus and I could have caught a glimpse… had I not forgotten] Got maths & english marks back I PASSED MATHS!! I had thought without a doubt that I’d have failed but I passed!! 17½/30!! Great! [Great? It’s funny how my attitude towards schoolwork changed when I moved to Cairns High. At my primary school and during my junior High years at Smithfield, barely passing would have crushed me.] And english I thought I failed – but I did better than last semester! 8/10!! Wo! Great day! I think I’m gonna hafta forget Mark I only wish what I see & believe to be was true. I wish. But I’m also extremely curious to see Phillip C too. Fete tomorrow! That will decide!! I think. And Mark will be there too. He doesn’t talk or even look at me anymore. Probably hates my guts. Why, though? Bastard. I love him so much tho [Haha, these mental processes smack of schizophrenia!] 9:55. get some sleep late nite tomorrow. Did no HW again. Terrible bloody habit.

Friday 12/9/86A Life in Words

I’m dead. And kinda depressed. It’s just after 12:00. I saw Phil; Peter came up and was talking. How embarrassing – what could I say or do? I felt sick. [Nerves] (He (Phil) was cute/gorgeous, but it’s made no impact on me. I’m still hopelessly devoted to Mark, who I’m sure doesn’t like me) [I know this reaction is based in Fear: “better the Devil you know” is an extremely apt expression in this case] Oh, I even danced with him (& Fiona & Keith & Justine) but that was it. A pity. I do like him so much. I wore my new blue shirt which I got at lunchtime today (walked to town with Sandie and Monique) & blue & white striped skirt (found out they were the perfect match (in colour) UNBELIEVABLE!!) No HW except english & speech this weekend and I intend to get them done speech exam next Thursday. SHIT. Fete itself was boring – dance was OK. Tired. I feel terrible. I ignored Phil all night & moped around after Mark. Why am I such a loser? [No comment!]

Saturday 13/9/86

Did nothing constructive, except get my periods, today. [LOL and that’s constructive HOW? If anything menstruation is about DEconstruction] I am ashamed [because I didn’t do→]: I have 3 english assignments due this friday a speech theory exam this Thursday, a biology exam this Tuesday and a trial-run speech exam tomorrow. And the best thing I did today was to read up all about star signs.. [best?] otherwise I watched TV or read…. Was extremely depressed this morning, thinking about last night. Y’know how we were all dancing together ..well I think – I’m sure I dreamt that Mark said “Remember this?” to me as True Colours was played. Yes it must have been a dream cos they didn’t play that …or did they? Anyway, I can’t even remember what Phil looks like now, except his blue eyes (gorgeous) Rang Fi tonight – talking about Mark & etc. I think I’ll have to be content with being his friend & working my way up (???) from there. Just watched a movie. Is 11:45. Had a terribly dull day – it was gorgeous weather. Wonder if Mark’s at Lenora’s party??

Sunday 14/9/86

11:06. I just watched Superman III on TV.A Life in Words At speech this morning, Megan, mima & I talked (& laughed) a fair bit so our exams took a bit longer than 2hrs – probably about 2½ or 3. Anyway, I ended up doing it out of my notes.. I didn’t know a thing. (I rode up) at home I watched a little TV, did assignment work, listened to music & read. Petra (& Amanda for a while) came up. I like it when Petra’s here. We talk (I told them all about the night I was with Mark) Brings back memories. I long for another kiss (or 10) like those he gave me that night. Yum!! (Not really romantic tho’) I wonder if I’m a good kisser? Ha Ha god I say some stupid things! [Oh yes. Yes you do.] Anyway another fuitless weekend – only wrote about one paragraph more on one eng. assign. Have 2½ english assignments to do. God help me. Mark won’t be at school tomorrow or Tuesday – Geography excursions.

Sweaty Armpits, More Photography & the Scary ‘Lost’ Drunk (18-24 August)

Monday 18/8/86

Nothing else on my mind. I am really sad. Monique said today that Cameron, Him, Seigi S & Nicole C were walking past her place on Saturday night. (They were going to rock her roof, Cameron told her at rehearsals yesterday) Cameron is the biggest snob. He actually sat next to me today in Chem. but didn’t say much. And Mark . . oh! I could cry thinking about him. Why? I think he dropped Tricia today … they didn’t say goodbye to each other this arvy. I haven’t the courage to look at him. I think he hates me. He can’t. I don’t want him to… there must be more parties [like they are the answer to Everything?] A Life in Words(Angie’s next one . . when will it be? After the musical she said, today.) Fuckin’ sweaty I get in my armpits during the day – Dunno why but it’s bloody embarrassing. 9:13. Did no HW. Can’t get motivated. Oh, Mark…

Tuesday 19/8/86

Guess What? It happened. It was bound to. I got my periods tonight. And I have swimming tomorrow! Oh, why couldn’t they have come just one day later? SHIT. Alright day. Saw a bit more of Mark than I’ve ever seen this (or last) week. And, riding home, mima told me how she was talking to him about Tricia. He reckons they’re not “going out” just “hanging around”. And now they’re “fighting a lot lately, not getting on.” Tricia was stoned in art this arvy. Laughed a bit today, too! In fact, laughed quite a lot. Good tho’, maybe that’s all I can do (seeing as I can’t cry over Mark – tho I’ve tried to [you’ve TRIED to?]) I am really worried. Nicole, I see, is almost everywhere, hanging around near Mark. Also mima told me (cos Sharon was in a real mood today) how she was bitching about Mark liking me. “She would[n’t] leave us alone at Angie’s party – he had his arm around me.” 10:15 late: did some HW!!! Gotta do english especially love art at the moment. Hurry up and finish, musical, so Angie’s party can be on!

Wednesday 20/8/86

I didn’t swim, but I went. It was boring. Saw very little of Mark – all of the kids involved in the musical went after 4th period to get ready for their matinee showing. We’d just had art (Mark & Steven mustn’t have gone cos) we were on our way to biology (Donna & I) and Steven looked at me (cos I was looking at them) so I said “Good Luck!” Mark didn’t look at us, but was sort of smiling, looking ahead. Wowee. I made an attempt. But after swimming, when we rode back to “pick up” mima, I saw Mark at the far end of Croswell Hall (waiting to be picked up, I guess) & Nicole was there talking to him. But he was looking in our direction. I kept looking at him too. Wonder if he knew I was looking at him? Wonder if he was looking at me? Oh well. 9:30. Another late night. NO HW done. Sharon’s a bitch. . . she’s so two-faced. About Mark – I couldn’t believe that…….. Riding again tomorrow wo!!

A Life in Words
….as long as it’s not considered ‘creepy’….

Thursday 21/8/86

Alright. Looked at mark a fair bit, and he caught me, too. In biology, I kept looking at him, even when he’d glanced at me and after school, walking up to the bus stop with Fi [uh, so you didn’t ride to school after all?], I saw him riding off and he was looking at me and I kept looking at him. I hope he gets the message that I do like him. [Because guys are SO good at picking up on subtleties, Liss. And staring at someone all the time could ‘never’ be considered creepy, could it?!] Cause there’s a party after Grease this saturday & another one after Grease on the last Saturday night. And I want him to know I like him so he’ll talk to me & not avoid me. Cos Nicole will also be there. And she really likes Mark a lot. Monique said she’s ‘after him’. He’s being a flirt. Then, after Grease, there’s Angie’s party: 3 in a row! Let’s hope something develops!!! I want him. In art I heard Trish, Michelle, Astia & Neville talking. Trish was saying how the first 2-3 weeks were beautiful but now; ” Yes she was talking about him. Looks ‘over’ for them. BEWARE OF NICOLE C. She’s everywhere he is. 9:50. Didn’t ride today. Also did no HW! Bad periods – was lucky tho.

Friday 22/8/86

Mark, my dreamboat!!! Nothing really happened – Yes it did! At lunch time, I was sitting with Donna, Sandie, Moni, Chris & David and Cameron & Mark were hanging ’round … Judy came along with the camera. Cameron got hold of it and kept focussing on me; Judy pulled me away a little while later and said “I sprung (heard) Mark say to Cameron when he got the camera, ‘Get a photo of elissa, for me please.'” WO!! The rest of the lunch hour, they were all hanging round. It was great. But then after school, Nicole was around. Petra & Judy told me how she absolutely hangs off him in rehearsals etc and even dresses with him. BITCH. This party this Sat. night is gonna be ace!! There are 2; I’m going to both; mima, fi, megan, me, sharon, Liam & his friend are gonna be real hoods; drivin’ round in cars getting pissed!! [Yeah, great idea. I really hope the assumption was that the drivers were excluded from the intoxication] And Mark… wo! I can’t wait!!! 10:00. Mum’s at the pub with the Fishers. I am excited about tomorrow night. CAN NOT WAIT (for mark!!)

Saturday 23/8/86A Life in Words

Wendy F woke me at 1:30. “Mum’s sick and a bit upset…” She was drunk, totally off her face. they’d bought her home; she was sick. I said goodbye to them locked up & lay with her. Julia came in. And a drunk man appeared at the windows “Who the fuck are you?” [I spoke, Julia is more a ‘paralyzed-with-fear’ type of individual] “I’m lost” “Go away.” [We both remember this incident vividly: the Fear. Being ‘stalked’ (or, witnessing an adult male figure ‘casing’ your home) is terrifying, especially when your ‘protector’ (Mum) is completely unconscious…] Mum said it was probably Terry S – but wendy said this morning he was driven home. [The thing is, he lived in the very near vicinity so could easily have walked back to our house after being dropped off. Despite being ‘blotto’ I can’t see a reason for Mum to randomly name a male neighbour with whom she never appeared to have had anything to do with in the past.] It was really scary. Today I did my HW, and got really hyped up about tonight Finally I started to get ready (I’d made so many phone calls during the day) We went with Fi. IT [the musical] WAS EXCELLENT.

A Life in Words
Some of the CHS Grease T-Birds backstage

All were bloody fantastic (mark spunky – Julia & Cherie reckon he was looking at me all the time) while dancing. After saw him in dressing room But that was it. He didn’t go to the party. We went to Benji’s, but was boring so we (Megan, Moni, Sharon, Mima, Fi & me) walked to Mik’s at Stratford. It was fucking boring. Sharon & I left at 2:30. Fi & Moni didn’t stay at my place. Mark why didn’t you go? Bugar. Mima told me that on Fri nite she asked M “who do you like?” “Don’t know, Why?” “I’m doing some spying for a friend” “Who?” “elissa” “she doesn’t like me does she?” “I don’t know about that” “Really?” He really thought I didn’t like him after all.

Sunday 24/8/86

Woke at 8:30. Am so tired. Sharon left around 11:00, then mima rode over. We talked and everything and laughed with Cherie, Julia and Petra. Did ‘nothing’. Went to the shop. Bought junk while mum bought hot chips for lunch. PIGGED OUT SEVERELY. Mima left later; She was so tired. We lazed around talking, reading. Then watched TV, dropped Petra & Cherie home. Now it’s 7:10. I’m gonna have my shower & go to bed. Take 40’s on, pity I’ll miss it… too tired. Did not even start one english assignment SHIT. That party was so boring most people left; went home or to Crocodile Rock. Everyone was smoking except me No drink there. Oh Mark, I want you. Mima & Petra telling me how she Nicole flashes all over the place when she’s changing in front of him (they reckon Cameron looks away & Mark gets embarrassed) Mima’s back with Brent. too she told me today he didn’t come cos he had baseball finals today. I’m friggin’ tired. Next week will be excellent. Seeing Mark at school and mima’s & moni’s birthdays & Grease final & the party.