Stevie Wonder, Fisticuffs & The Sleaze (9-15 November)

Monday 9/11/87

A Life in WordsStevie Wonder was excellent! [I saw him twice on this day: he made a special appearance at our school and then I attended his concert …] Today was really good! Got Jo, and at school took last photos, wasted remaining exposures [on ourselves, see right]– folios [proper commercially manufactured ones] not suitable + too expensive (saw Mr. W) late for parade! Everyone loved my new shoes! Bludge in chem & maths. Didn’t see Mark at little lunch. Double art I raced around getting my folio completed – at lunchtime went to the hall. with Cameron, Chris Glyn, Brett, Jo, Justine, Fi & Mima – a laugh waiting for Stevie to arrive. [I don’t know for sure, but I’ve always assumed that Stevie Wonder’s appearance at our school was directly related to the bus accident: a compassionate response by the man. At the time however a reason wasn’t warranted; we were pretty darned excited simply because international stars rarely visited Cairns, let alone to our school.] Stuart smiled at me & I didn’t know what to do after I smiled back – I was really embarrassed! He [Stevie] finally came around 2:00 and talked & sang (a little) till 3:00 (missed eng & biol – yay!) Only talked to Mark a little after school. Picked Jo up around 5:45. . pizza tea. Not many people we knew at the concert – not many people full stop- but they made the noise of a big crowd!! At the end I saw a guy who talked to me (really cute) I think it was James from Playpen. see – I can’t really remember what they both looked like [uh, yeah: this is but one of the many effects copious amounts of alcohol will have upon you] – but he was cute!! YUM YUM Jo’s flipped! [as in, she thought he was very attractive too…]

Whilst I actually can’t recall whether Stevie sang “I Just Called to Say I Love You” during his appearance at our school, I had to include it because it holds the most sentiment for me: firstly – and of less relevance – I think of it as my father and stepmother’s anthem, since they met around the time it was released in 1984 and I remember Dad literally singing it on the phone to Jenny at some stage (I’m fairly sure it was also their wedding song). But at our 20th Year School Reunion (2007) our principal performed an amazing operatic rendition for us (unbeknownst to many of us he was a classically trained singer) not merely because Stevie’s historic visit was a highlight of our senior year, but also for the lyrical sentiment.

Tuesday 10/11/87

talked to Mark a fair bit today. And Stuart, well, it’s really wierd – I’M SHY!! [People still don’t believe this about me, to this day. I am inherently shy.] I can’t bring myself to even look at him, in case he looks at me. But I’d really like to talk to him. Shit. I can’t believe exams start on Thursday & I haven’t even begun to study. All my artwork’s done now (marked too) Oh, I forgot to ring Jo – [she] was away at Fitzroy with Mark [‘her’ Mark, not ‘mine’]. Talked a lot in biol. chris reckons some St’s guys said I was going out with Trevor G. No way! “I barely know the guy.” Chris said “Well, they know you!” SKINT! [At the time, I was more chuffed than confused: “guys I didn’t know, knew of me? Wow!” But retrospectively, I sense this could have had a kind of unsavoury edge to it: I mean, how would a rumour about me ‘dating’ a guy I hardly knew begin to circulate? Had I gained a reputation of ‘some kind’?] Watched the water polo today – Mark in it. What an arse that guy has!! Lost my diamonté bracelet sometime from 7th p. chem. till when I got home (we dropped cameron home this arvy) Great, huh?! […sarcasm about the loss of my bracelet, not ‘elation’ for giving a mate a ride home…] I’m so tired – that’s the only reason I haven’t studied – nearly fell asleep this arvy. Mark rang to find out what prac. it was we had to do for 2 morrow. V. short phone call. We still need to have that “talk” yet, I wonder!!! So tired tonite – I can’t wait! 10 days till it’s all over! (& that’s including days I don’t have exams!) WOW! Great! [I’m surprised I was so eager for the end of school, considering I had no set plans for the future. I think I was more focussed at this point in time on the post-school, pre-Christmas partying I had imagined there would be. Like school holidays but with a more significant sense of freedom. *Sigh* So short-sighted…]

Wednesday 11/11/87

A Life in Words
The back of my skirt was just as – if not more – messy than this…

Today was quite exciting! Our last working day at school. Actually, I didn’t feel emotional at all.. I just had fun running round doing things we don’t normally do – signing each other’s clothes [see my school skirt above] -signing walls tables, etc getting photos taken – doing no work despite exams! Rearranging rooms & furniture! I talked a fair bit to Mark today. He gave me a note – I was speechless after I read it. I don’t understand what he’s trying to say- he realizes he needs me, he thinks I’m changing too fast .. he can’t understand me. Oh dear – we need a talk (big talk) soon. Wonder if that’s what he was going to say on Saturday night He doesn’t talk to Nicole anymore – wonder if he said anything to her? he loves me & needs me. I can’t believe he needs me. Anyway it’s almost 12:00 – I’ve been studying english – I must do well in this – I need to get over 82% Mark wanted to fight Stuart W. today. Why? But everyone’s saying he’s signing his own deathwish – Stuart’s black belt in karate. Well! Looks like TD & him are back together. Stewart P. drove by school this arvy. I had so much fun esp. this arvy.

A Life in WordsThursday 12/11/87

It happened today- Mark & Stewart fought – end of little lunch (after my disgustingly difficult english exam- so much for a VH overall! That was some hard test!) I nearly choked on my hot dog – Mark’s shirt was destroyed- had a blood nose. Why were they fighting? [I never found out. Or if I did, I can’t remember why, but I’m fairly sure that it bore no relevance to me …to my knowledge.] FOOLS. God, I don’t understand… [you wouldn’t Liss, physical combat is a testosterone thing…] we didn’t get to talk today, but before he left, I talked to him briefly- was being very nice. I rang mum – answering machine on. Sat & waited, & waited & waited. At home did 1st chapter – all arvy. Is now almost 11:30 and I’m nearly  totally unprepared for the rest of the exam. I so badly need to do well in it. SHIT! Mark actually rang this arvy – wanted to come around to have that talk, but I was studying. [Damn, you may have had a better chance of discovering the reason for the fight…] He’s coming over 2morrow – after his geog. exam. [I’m] Nervous! Bloody biol. It’s not fair – if only I’d not been so pushed for time, I could’ve started earlier like I’d wanted to. [Um, if you hadn’t been partying like a rockstar for the past four-to-five weeks…] Shit, shit, shit! Am so tired now Please do me a big favour God- let me do exceptionally well in biol- it’s my last hope. See ya 2morrow. Can’t wait for next week!

Friday 13/11/87

Biol wasn’t too bad after all .. I’ll pass it, no sweat, but will I do well enough? That’s the question. It seemed pretty easy, tho’. I didn’t talk too much to Mark today… I didn’t go home straight after the exam either. In fact we waited around till about 2:00! (BORING!) Went for drive (mima had the brown alfa for the day!) Fi dropped me home, where I waited for Mark to come around. I rang his place just after 4:00 and Sandra said he was out .. he rang back at 5:35! I told him I was going out so I’d ring him tomorrow. Well, Jo & I were very late – about 7:45, but thankfully, so was everyone else. [I am only guessing when I say this may have been a dinner for our CAD art class… I can’t imagine what else it could could have been. More detail in future Liss, please!] I had 2 cocktails, and we’d only gotten thru’ 3 courses before everyone started making speeches and crying etc. [Crying? …sounds like our art class…plied with alcohol…] So we all left. At Playpen Jo realized she lost Robbie’s watch and wasn’t happy. Met Angie & we went to Croc. Rock. More people there, but not necessarily a rage. A Life in WordsI was so and I mean so drunk – was really off my face – don’t remember quite a few things, except this sleazy guy who (his friend) drove me home & wanted me to “suck him off…” […and this is exactly the kind of thing parents would fear. The intoxicated girl brushes it off in her sense-impaired state, but what if that ‘sleaze’ had been more aggressive? Oh the risks we take in Life… By the way, in case there was a shadow of a doubt, I certainly didn’t fulfill his wish…]

Saturday 14/11/87

I’ve got lovebites from him. YUK. [Perfect: an unavoidable, (temporary) physical reminder of what getting “off your face” can do to you. The question is, was your lesson learned?] So after stumbling to bed, then to the loo to vomit, slept till about 8:30 (??) Cameron & Glyn came over after weights, for a short while, then Jo rang around 10:00. I rang Mark after that. He said he couldn’t come over – Sandra had the car. Said he’d come when she bought it home. So I did nothing – slept, veged (still drunk!) He came, we didn’t say anything to start with He is sort of going out with [privacy omission]. He won’t say he is- it’s a completely “Physical” relationship. I felt so sick. The talk I feel was fruitless, pointless. [Why? Because you didn’t hear what you wanted or expected to hear?] I wasn’t one bit resolved [the most powerful resolution is the one You make for yourself: there was certainly revelation during this talk… for all your analyzing abilities, could you not reach a resolution for yourself, by yourself?] and after he left (we’d agreed to be friends & build it up, even try before he left [for an overseas family holiday]) But I can’t. Not while I know he’s [privacy omission]. Jo rang, otherwise I did nothing went to bed 7:30 – slept from about 9:30 on. Shit, I can’t do it. I need someone – I’m so dependant – so dependant [this is painfully clear] – God it hurts to know they’re together. I’m gonna have to talk to him Monday or ring him tomorrow – tell him I can’t do it. It’s killing me.

Sunday 15/11/87

Woke around 9:00 – almost 12hrs of sleep! WOW! But it was a little restless, this sleep. Really depressed a lot of the day -didn’t feel like studying – didn’t care. [Excessive alcohol consumption + a negative experience = certain depression] It’s 9:10 now- I’ve had coffee so it’s useless going to bed. So I may as well study_lot of good that’ll do me. I’ll fail anyway. I really don’t give a fucking shit anymore. Not a shit about anything. I might as well curl up and die. Mima visited tonite, Jo rang this morning, I rang Fi twice & I saw Gordon at Licks when we went to get Pizza for dinner. Wishing Well’s on now. [Another Terence Trent D’Arby song (see below). I was so ‘attached’ to his album…] So what? God I’m pissed off. I’m so sick of life. I hate school & I hate work & I hate myself and I hate Mark. That’s a lie. I hate what he’s done to me. I hate him getting his own way all the time. I can’t let him have it all the time. [So…….] What about me? He doesn’t care – just make himself happy Jo said Stewart didn’t say much about me_ _said he’d been keeping in touch (LIE) said he’d ring me – he WON’T. [Wow, I really got dem ‘bad feels’…]

Desperation, Delusion, Despair & ….Drunk (21-27 September)

A Life in Words

A Life in Words
…not quite there yet…

This is an unusual way for me to begin a post, but I feel the need to warn you now that it comprises a tragic mix of desperation, delusion, dependence and despair (because it was a particularly heavy week; processing my first ever experience of being dumped). It makes for a juicy read but it’s THE most embarrassing for me to date, by far and away. (The quotes I found all help to describe and/or ‘justify’ some of my feelings about it so fittingly that I decided to include them all). It’s very difficult for me to accept that I actually thought and acted the way I did: the antagonism, grovelling and bitchiness all borne of desperation, (ego-driven) pain …and a clear lack of self esteem. But this (Life) IS a learning process…

 

A Life in Words
…even if it involves THEM?

Monday 21/9/87

I’ve got it! I’ve got it! I know how we should be! [‘Should’ is one of those useless, stress-inducing words; implying obligation, duty, correctness: all of which mean different things to different people, to boot.] . . just like the Christmas holidays → then also those 3 days before the camp. That is, on the holidays, I don’t ring every day; only  be a ‘friend’ and let him decide what, if we do anything, [ugh, in other words be a door mat?] unless I’ve got a set proposition. And at school, I just don’t go up to him at all …except maybe a little bit. I don’t know if I’ll even sit near him in biology. That way he’ll have his ‘freedom’ and, will start to miss me a bit & ∴ chase me more than I do, him [Oh dear. *shakes head* Liss ….where to start?! ….perhaps by not thinking so much?]  Anyway today, ate very little .. my stomach’s shrunk. (GREAT!) Mima & fi didn’t want to do anything today. . I got my hair cut Did scrapbook most of the day. Fiona rang Mark this morning, but wasn’t home. I hope she gets around to it soon. [Seriously? Surely some part of me was aware of the futility of this caper? Getting my friends to try to retrieve information for me (‘answers’ I believed I needed – even though they were all there in plain sight…) was not just useless (why would he ‘open up and spill all’ suddenly to one of your friends? At worst, wouldn’t that in itself indicate that he wasn’t comfortable being truly open with you?) and actually counter-productive: exacerbating his negativity toward you.] I NEED HIM. [Um, like oxygen? I don’t think so.] I’m not sure he needs me now, after all this. [Ya think?] A Life in WordsIt makes me wonder how he could give up that easily. IT STILL HURTS ME. SO MUCH. [It’s still pretty fresh. That’s to be expected.] God, I wish I could turn back the clock. A whole year. [….aaaaand then what?]

Tuesday 22/9/87

In town with Fi & Mima, met Brent. Didn’t do very much really. (I was on the lookout for Trisha F bitch) [Haha, what, to “have a go”? Pffft, talking tough! I don’t have an aggressive bone in my body. I obviously wasn’t completely aware of that back then.] I didn’t have any money until late in the morning; when I found Julia & got my $50 from dad. (Then mum found me and gave me my bankbook & when I tried to swap it over for a cashcard, [yeah, that’s right people, the era of ‘plastic money’ (including Australia’s currency change to polymer notes) burgeoned in the 1980’s (even though credit cards had been around for awhile). ATM machines were slowly popping up – but only at bank branches] they said I had to be 18. That sux. I’m gonna change banks. [Can’t recall with whom I banked back then.] Fi had a doctor’s appointment. Mima, Brent & I got ice cream (gelati – I couldn’t eat it) [Now that’s a serious state of affairs – if I “can’t” eat one of my favourite treats…] Were going to get a video and watch it at fi’s but Stewart didn’t let us!! So we went home. I rang Nigel about the english [assignment??]: we’ll have to work out something. Also Steven, but he was “at the movies”. A Life in Words[Yes it gets worse: I’m now harassing his friends…] So when Jason, Fi & I got there (with Wade, David etc) I saw him and tried to talk. Keith walked past & I knew Mark was hiding. It’s almost as if he hates me. [No, he just wanted space. But in my defense, I literally was there with friends to see the movie, not to hunt him down…] He (when he did show) stayed well away not looking or talking to me at all. It hurts so much. I sat next to David during the movie & Fi & Jason said they didn’t see him, or even Keith look over once. I’m sure he’s trying to hate me. [How easy it is to create anxiety! Attempting to assume the thoughts of others is such a waste of energy: nine out of ten times you’ll be wrong and/or you’ll never find out anyway.] Walked off towards city place straight after→

Wednesday 23/9/87

→talking to Terry outside. We went to Yanks… I didn’t feel like anything to eat or drink. After, we went to Jason’s (just Fi, Mark B, & me) (David came in Jason’s car) and watched Bruce Lee (They still call me Bruce!) A Life in WordsBut we all fell asleep during it at sometime. Raining lots. At home, around 2:30, I bombed- freezing! This morning I was depressed when I thought about the movies, and how mark was. Why is he doing this? [I was so blind…] Keith even came up to me & rubbed it in.. “we were coming over & Mark said “shit!”..” That makes me feel really great. I feel like crying. Today, I watched TV, and did crash scrapbook again. I rang Fi after Steven (Steve said he’d talk when he called Mark around lunchtime) [Oh god, I wish I could shake myself!] So I told Fi Mark should be home around then. I need help. I’m hurting so much. I’ve got a horrible feeling he’s not just “having a break” so we can start again, but “having a break” so that I get used to being without him. [That’s a gut feeling. And for future reference… it’s usually right.] NO!! He can’t. Raining all day today (cool) Cameron & Glyn popped in & we went to Fi’s & then mima’s. Steven didn’t ring me back. [Certainly can’t blame him…] Sharon & I went into town first, then were rejected from Croc Rock. Waited outside freezing, for people to bring out [next page…]

Thursday 24/9/87

→some I.D. for us. Sharon in first. Then I waited ..Linda bought out the same I.D. I talked to Mark. [Privacy omission] “snuck” in. The night, as a whole, was bad. I regretted going now, tho it’s lucky I did. He spent most of his time, when I first saw him, alone, or with no girl. Keith with Angela M. I danced, hung round Sharon. Talked to him a little. Every person I spoke to seemed to be negative (no, they were negative) Fucking [privacy omission] said “he’s a bastard etc.” People all telling me he cheats on me. Even [privacy omission] admitted it. (Sharon left earlier than me) A Life in WordsI got really upset in the end & Mark got shitty (fucking Angela all over him (as good as she’d dare while I was around. The sick bitch even smiled at me all the time- until I fucked her up- dirtiest look – & she avoided me.)[There it is… vitriolic jealousy.] Eventually, to cut the story short, I talked to him ..he was really pissed off. I can’t even give him 3 days without suffocating him & even his friends, too (ringing them up) he’s pissed off I talk behind his back etc. [You totally had this coming.] Anyway, I got home around 4:15. Couldn’t sleep- got up at 8:00. Fi came round after I rang her. Long talk I told her everything, and cried. I watched TV the rest of the day & slept lots up till 6:30 …went late nite with Fi, Liam & Jason, met Pol, Brent, Peter & Mima. (Boring there) then to Jason’s to watch Pirate Movie on video. Made me sad cos I’ve got no one. [Up until this year, you had no one. You survived the first 16 years of your life without ‘someone’…] I’d desperately like to meet Phillip C soon. I need him – he’s right for me. [Oh lordy. Now you need a guy you don’t know at all, but emphatically assume is right for you? Purleeeease.] I know, when Mark’s “had his time” I’ll go back, but mate I’m gonna rev the shit out of him first – laying down the “conditions – regulations & expectations” and it won’t really bother me if he doesn’t want to comply: I’ll have P.C. [Righteo. Utterly warped fantasy. No other way to describe it.] As for Angela M & Tricia – they’ll never get what I have – his love. [Needing to feel ‘superior’ to appease my crushed Ego…]

A Life in Words
So… anyone? Anyone got the feels for me yet?! This succinct Finnish word has no English equivalent. Pronunciation? Ha, good luck! Apparently something like this: ‘moo-er-ta-ha-pay-ah’

Friday 25/9/87

Let me warn you – I’m still intoxicated at the moment. [Oh Gaaad, yes. You should’ve seen my handwriting in the diary…] I’m not supposed to let Mark know that I spent the night with Glyn & Cameron in town. [Ah… whoops, my bad? D’ya think that secret is a matter of importance 28 years on?] They were meant to go out. But mate, I got drunk & I had an ace time. I started out with Fi, Jas, Brent, Pol & Mim, late nite shopping (hoping I’d either see Philip C out or spend the rest of the night with David (Jas’s stepbrother- gorgeous hunk) [It’s intriguing watching myself ‘grasping’ for something (someone) to fill the ‘void’…] I know Mark’s with someone tonite. He’s a playboy. And he’ll never change. [If “the drunken tongue speaks the sober mind” …why was I hanging in there?] I went grass skiing with Pol, Peter, Fi & Jas. David watched- Dave hangs around alot – Hope he likes me. I think he’s gorgeous. So’s Philip. At home around 3:00- rang Cam. & Glyn …couldn’t find out if Philip was going out.A Life in Words I’ll die if he did. [Really?] apparently lotsa people I know, know I like Philip. […REALLY? Yup. Turns out I’m pretty easy to read…] It’s 12:30. Jo’s comin’ home 2morrow YAY!

Saturday 26/9/87

It’s 9:00. My first night home since Monday!! WOW! (I need the sleep!) Going to the beach with Sharon &, get this; LUCY!! Yeah, she rang this morning, wanting to go out, but this Saturday no parties & no one’s going out So we’re going to Beach party sunday night at Playpen (FUN, FUN, FUN!) Hope Philip’s there! Did nothing today (made lotsa phone calls though!) Went to the Boat Show – boring – saw Mark riding up Reservoir Road, on the way. Sharon said he was with Steven last night & no girls! I couldn’t believe it!! I’m feeling really strange at the moment _ I love him still, but I’m not missing him – I think it’s because I know we’ll get together again. Hope he’s not trying to fall out of love with me. […I don’t think people have to try to do that, Liss…] I’ll shoot him!! Jo came home – yay! Ringing late tomorrow to see if she can come out to Playpen tomorrow. Philip wasn’t out last nite. Was Raining just before – hope it’s not tomorrow. Hope I see Phillip (yummy) C. (or David!!)

Sunday 27/9/87

I had so much trouble getting to sleep last night. 9:00 I got to bed & around  12:30 to sleep. I heard a request to Joannah & it sounded like Elissa or Elisa. [The song requested was Icehouse’s “Electric Blue” …I’ve included a link to it on YouTube (below) if you’d like a listen.] A Life in WordsWondered if that was for us? (No one said who it was from.) [Chances of there being two other friends with our names in a city of about 50,000 was pretty slim, I reckon …especially my name. Oh and I/we never found out who it was either.] Anyway I got to Sharon’s on time (lucky – I got up late) To Lucy’s, then on the bus. It was very windy & grey at Palm Cove. We walked around, taking photos. Jo’s shop wasn’t open. We sat around the shop trying to ring Mr W. It started to clear up around 1:30.. we swam (Sharon & I ..in the “surf” – cold, but great fun) Saw Fi just before Mr W picked us up (just after 3:00) and she followed them to Lucy’s. We got ready after going to Sharon’s & getting her gear (Fi went home) Lucy, Sharon & I walked to Smithfield Tavern – the bottle shop was shut -everything was shut! So we went to Beach Night, sober. Got in back door – no ID asked at all. The night was excellent! Got crowded quite quickly, but there was barely anyone I knew- Sandra F, Carla G. That’s it!! So we raged something unbelievable. I had 10 Tequila slammers [shots]! […the annoying thing about my going out on a Sunday night is that YOU don’t get the full story until the next post… just like a real TV serial, you’re left hanging…]