A Failed Exam, a Grease Preview & THE Photo Again (11-17 August)

Monday 11/8/86

Today was a better day than I thought it would be. See, Mark was away… but in double chemistry (everyone else, it seems, was too – on the musical camp) Mr Lavers was away so I wrote a 12 page letter to Lucy all about Mark!! Then, thru triple art & little lunch, we watched a video – had to do sketches from it. But BIG LUNCH was the BEST PART!! We went in the dark room and soon Mr Short came. He developed (at my request) 2 photos of Mark & me from the dance!!!! The photography was excellent (not bad of me – excellent of Mark, tho!! Except looks as if he is holding his breath & struggling to keep from smiling)A Life in Words [Apparently he was partway through an exhalation, lips pursed and cheeks inflated…kinda like a puffer fish?! Sorry to disappoint: I felt obliged to  edit him out of the photo out of respect for his privacy.] I cannot stop looking at it!! I’m really happy!! So now those who know of it are, Sandie, Moni, Donna, Sharon, Mima fi Polly & Judy & of course, Mr Short (Mark & his friends would, too, but they won’t see it!!!) Went to speech this arvy for final tips on work etc. Is 9:20. Gonna stare at the photo so[me] more. [Now that sounds ‘creepy’…]

Tuesday 12/8/86

My speech exam was… average. Probably a “B”, I think. My reading was good, my poem was good, my talk was stuffed and my news report was fair. We had to wait ages (she was running at least 40 minutes behind!!) Mima came round. We spent the morning typing out our work and practising. After lunch we left, riding on our bikes. Got there and changed in the loos [‘loos’ are toilets/bathrooms for those who aren’t familiar with this Australian slang]. Then worked up our nerves for ages. After, we laughed about it – the conversations we’d had were bloody hilarious!! Rode to sly cones [an ice creamery] (did not pass the school) then into town. Rode home – stopped at the Aeroglen park & laughed & sang. Rode on home slowly. Hot day today – couldn’t believe it!!! It’s 8:45 – earlyish night. Exams are over!! CAN’T WAIT for school tomorrow!! See Mark in the flesh. I am still drooling over the photos!! Julia took one to school [she was still attending Smithfield High at this stage]. Most thought he was O.K. Amanda said YUK. 2 girls she barely knew said yum & about me: is that your sister? God she’s beautiful, so pretty etc Can you believe it? [Perhaps you weren’t as plain as you thought, Liss?]

Wednesday 13/8/86

Ha! I knew something’d go wrong today. It was for the best, though. (I suppose). I did take the photo to show Monique (Mark was away yesterday too; not at baseball; he’s in the play – a dancer (was on the camp) Monique said he’s good, too!) Anyway she said this girl (Joannah C’s cousin) in Yr 9 was flirting with him. A Life in WordsThat made me depressed. But mima told him about the photo. He badly wanted to see it. I said no..way. Cameron asked Sharon She said no, then he actually said to me. I said no. But before Fi & I left for the Trobuk Pools, I gave it to mime & said don’t let anyone else see it. Boring at the Pools. Wanted to rush back & see Mark (why, god knows) Tonight on the phone, mima said Steven, Brent, Cameron & Megan also saw it. They all said it was a good photo. Mark didn’t say much (about me – not that she told me) but he asked her if I still liked him. Mima said, I’m not going to say anything. He is rather worried or is he? Speech on my own. It’s 10:30

Thursday 14/8/86

I think I’ve stuffed my chances now. I was going to make him ‘grovel’ or at least, worry a bit about whether I liked him or not… I don’t know what’ll happen now. In 6th period, biology, I put across the feeling of disappointment, depression cos I thought he was avoiding me. Anyway at the end, before we all left the room, Chris K was talking about Sandie and I said (a bit too loud I think) “So what’s it like to be in love?” If Mark heard that he probably would’ve assumed I didn’t like him. Tricia, in 7th p. art., was crying too.. what about? I think it was most likely about Mark cos after school, he & her sat on opposite bike racks and at one stage, he walked away to Terry & Raymond etc. I watched him talking. What about? Then he came back. Is it all over between them? I hope Cameron says something to me in Chem tomorrow 10:05. Went late night tonight. Then to see mum’s cousin up from Sydney. His 3 kids are nice the 7 yr old boy isn’t. Failed Chemistry exam & mima is having so much trouble with Brent.

Friday 15/8/86

*Cameron said nothing. In fact, he’s a big snob now, won’t even sit next to me, let alone talk to me. I failed chem 13/30, but the great thing is I only failed by 2 marks! A Life in Words[This is a radically different reaction to that I would have had only a year earlier. Exam failure would have gutted me. At least at this point I have found the positive in a negative!] Mark is avoiding me… I’m sure. Today, we walked to the City Place; Grease was being acted out as a “preview”. was great! (Went in lunchtime) got back ½ way thru’ period 6. No one in art noticed I was late. Fi also told me today how Mark & Tricia kiss goodbye in the “arvies”. I really wanted to see them do it [really? are you a masochist?] but we were held up after by talking etc. By the time we got there, Tricia’s bus was there. AND Mark was talking to Nicole C; yes, the same one who was flirting with him on the camp. BITCH. Anyway, At home I rang Lucy all arvy & got ready. Finally got on to Jane [her sister] said she’d be in on the 8:30 plane. POOP!! Fi came around 6:45→ we walked round town. picked up mima & she changed then we spent all the time at Licks cafe [an ice creamery] in Mellick Centre where Jay works. Didn’t go to pancake house at all. Met Justine & Beka. Stayed there till about 9:30… went walking… finally found Lucy..

Saturday 16/8/86

Last nite, we caught a taxi home. Justine, Fi & I stayed at mima’s. Watched View to a Kill on video. Bed at 1:15 – woke 7:15 this morning. A Life in WordsAfter small brekky, Justine & I walked to my place I changed and mima rode in …we rode together into town – mima to get her hair permed – me to work – (saw Heath. & Marge.) Justine’s dad took her home. Worked 4hrs 15 mins. Mima’s hair looks absolutely terrificly fantastic!! (Giles & Andrew D. were working – I immediately thought of what Mark said on the phone that night “we talked about you at Mackay”) We rode, picked Fi up from the newsagency & went to mima’s (mum wasn’t home) Watched music videos and bombed out – rested. Went home around 5:15. Petra’s staying over. Talking a lot about Mark… mima said he also thought I was taller than him she said “as if she’d crouch down for a photo!” Also, she told me exactly what he said that day (I can’t remember, but it was bad. He really thinks I hate him. I’m so depressed – so depressed that I didn’t go to the party tonight. Betcha he was there. 10:55

Sunday 17/8/86

I did nothing today. It was a BIG waste of time. Watched a little TV, drew and looked at photo albums and, of course, I ate. I had maths, english & speech HW to do, too. SHIT, huh? Oh well; It’s 9:00. I’m listening to Take 40 Australia. Will finish at 10:00. Hopefully I’ll get to sleep quickly Been thinking about Mark a lot too. Am really depressed. Why has all this happened? I’ve lost faith in him. (I can’t trust him) but I still want him badly. I’m also very frightened- frightened that if I went out with him & fell totally head over heels in love with him (like mima is with Brent) that what happened to mima & brent would happen to us, except that mark wouldn’t like me. Asking Petra today, before she left, to keep her eye on him & Nicole C at rehearsals today. She also thinks he’s a fantastic dancer & got a cute bum.

Rec Swimming, Impersonation & Great Grandma’s Fall (28 July-3 August)

Monday 28/7/86

A Life in Words
If only I’d had this at my disposal!

My allergies are comin’ again. My nostrils get blocked & run etc. (It’s not a cold cos I always get a sore throat before the blocked nose…etc) It  seems, too, that lotsa other people have it as well ie: there are quite a few others who are having ‘troubles’ besides me..!!!! Also, I have decided that mark shall be only my friend. This is his 3rd week with Tricia. Either he doesn’t like me, or the poor guy doesn’t know when to stop. [hilarious] He’s really stuffing up his chance with me… (yes, I am hurt. Very.) But I can learn to cope with it. After all, I still  want to be his friend & (I hope) he’ll want to be mine. Bio test tomorrow. Ungh! Also got new maths teacher (forgot his name) but he’s better than Mr Burger (I think) Poor Mark. I don’t know why, but I feel sorry for him! Comm. Games. Ha! Aust coming tie 2nd with no. of gold medals – 15. Eng 17, Canada 17. We’re going downhill now 9:35

Tuesday 29/7/86

Great Grandma is dying. Mum got a phone call tonight. She had a fall (ie: fell over) and her health is decreasing rapidly. Mum doesn’t know whether to tell Nana or not; she will have to, though. Sad, huh? (Poor Julia – really sentimental – crying) [I probably should have used the word ‘sensitive’ because we really didn’t have enough contact with our great grandmother to be ‘sentimental’ about her. Actually, this has surprised me altogether: I thought my great grandmother had passed many years before this.] My blocked sinuses are giving me the shits. And Mark? Well, I’m finding it a bit easier to go without seeing him. (I still like to sometimes, though) And thinking more about him, I wondered how it would ever have worked; him one of the most popular guys in Yr 11, and me. It’s unthinkable. Not to mention, his looks compared to mine (ie: he’s much more attractive than me) [Blaring lack of self worth there, ya think?] Y’know what I mean …. Judy thinks (said this arvy) Tricia really wants Mark, really likes him, but he doesn’t like her much. Haven’t done any HW tonight. Will hafta (esp. maths) do in the morning. Too tired to watch Comm. Games tonite. 9:55

Wednesday 30/7/86

My cold’s shitting me off. [Ok, so it IS a cold now?] Today, mima & Umico (or however you spell it) [Japanese exchange student that Jemima’s family were hosting] went with all the other Japanese billets & their hosts on tour on the Tablelands. They had fun!! Meanwhile: we were bored. Short lessons, & after big lunch (fi, sharon & I went to town to try and get Fi’s keycard) had to choose recreational sport. Sharon, Donna & Sandie did photography. Astia, me & Fi did rec. swimming. Little did I know (until we got there)  that so did Jarrod B, Peter P, Nick R, Patrick O’S, Terry C, Tricia & …Mark. SHAME. If I could’ve; I would’ve swapped (but there was nothing else to do, really) SHIT. Oh well. Also when mime came back, she talked to Terry & Nick while waiting for the bus. Nick likes me, wants me to choose between him and P.P. YUK. A Life in WordsJust been to Trinity Bay’s school play, ‘Westside Story’ – PATHETIC!! CHS ‘Grease’ flog that!! [Clearly I was fiercely loyal to my school.] Mark wasn’t there thank god. Lotsa others were tho’! Is 11:10 (Really cold!)

Thursday 31/7/86

Lucy’s birthday and I didn’t do anything for it. Umah! Pretty boring day. (Biology exam was fairly hard; I didn’t do too well) Art was good; have gotten started with my banner & I think it’ll work well!!! And at big lunch we sat in our area; Justine, Marge & Heather & Linda sang soft songs. I almost fell asleep. It was beautiful!!! And, well, I seemed to see a bit more of Mark. I think. But if he was in a position where he could see me, I would deliberately move; hope he gets the message. [Um, yeah. Because guys are that ‘aware’ in general. Pffft!] I don’t want to do recreational swimming. It’ll be stupid & boring. [….and painful having to watch the couple be together…] Why aren’t there more people Fi & I know who are doing it?? (who can do it) Oh, woe is me. Getting sick of watching Comm. Games all the time – only watch the highlights now & then. Is about 9:07. having an early-ish night. Will probably have another boring weekend. Woe is me. [I tend to like this little phrase, don’t I?]

Friday 1/8/86

A Life in Words
My English teacher believed I had the potential to become a great impersonator, like Max Gillies.

It’s 12:15. Don’t ask me why I’m still awake… I don’t know. I’m watching the Commonwealth Games and time has flown! I rang Justine this arvy (mum couldn’t get me a hair appointment this arvy – Monday will have to do) and around 6:30 (6:45) we picked her up & we went late nite. Town was empty. Looked around – didn’t find much to my liking.. some was but I still had doubts. Nevertheless, I came home with a pair of white stockings & a black kohl pencil. Today was rather boring. Spent all lunch hour in art. My banner is stuffed. Don’t give a shit. About Mark, either. Mr G thinks I could be another Max Gillies if I applied myself. [Max Gillies is an Australian comic actor, celebrated for his ability to impersonate primarily Australian politicians. He was best known for his ABC television programme, ‘The Gillies Report’. One of my most vivid memories was of Mr G.’s expression when I first recited the part of Juno in ‘Juno & the Paycock’ in our class reading of the play. I was secretly chuffed that he tended to give me lead character roles in almost everything we read from thereon in.] He really can’t believe ‘how good I am at accents’ etc. Thinks I could be a great impersonator. Ha. Ha. Boy I am tired. But I’m going to Earlville tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll be successful there ie: find a great shirt for the dance

Saturday 2/8/86

While All I bought last night was the stockings and eyeliner, [today] I spent about $47 . . . two blouses – a white long sleeved shirt (the one from Jack is too see-thru) Love it!! And also a black & white striped long sleeve shirt – a bit small around sleeve length – and sleeve (wrist) buttons tight but great as well!! And also some black mascara (thick; really great!) Back at home, I messed around; Did nothing in particular; a bit of (very little bit of) HW; dancing; listning to music; little TV; watching My Fair Lady on TV now. Am tired. Julia & mum are in bed; just Geoff & me watching TV. With my new shirts, I actually still don’t know what to wear to the dance; the problem this time being that I have so many combinations with my new clothes that I don’t know what to wear!!! [Oh my, too many options!] 10:30 already; at least 1½ hrs of the movie left yet. Oh I’m tired. Sleep in tomorrow. Haircut monday – can’t wait.

Sunday 3/8/86

Another wasted day. I read my book for speech, tho. Only have 3 chapters left. Also tried my english assignment. Got almost on half of a foolscap done, [back in the day, before computers, we wrote our assignments by hand, on paper. A ‘foolscap’ was a standard paper size. I’m fairly sure you can still find foolscap paper & pads at stationery stores] but I wasn’t happy with it so scrapped it. I’m just not in the mood; I have the ideas; too many ideas cos I want to put them all on paper, then it sounds stupid so I have to start again. [Ah, this. THIS is what I still struggle with today. It’s my major block to writing: too many thoughts leading me off-track. It’s a HUGE contributor to Procrastination. Lack of concentrated thought/ideas + perfectionism = a recipe for ‘disaster’ in the ‘achievement’ stakes]  So I’ll have to wake early tomorrow & do it. Otherwise I ate. I am bloody ashamed at the amount, too. Hope I’m not going to grow again. Tall enough. Oh well… this’ll be the 4th week Mark’s been with Trish. I’ll have to shut off now, for sure. It’s gonna be bloody hard. Sometimes he smiles like in Bio, someone talking to/ teasing me. He still likes me, at least a bit, that’s for sure. But.. I can’t hold on. I’m so hurt already. what would it be like later?? 8:45

A Water Fight, a Doppelgänger & a Half Leg Wax (7-13 July)

Monday 7/7/86

Purritty embarassing! Ha! Apparently cameron was there when he rang… shame… so I’m sure a few other people know  now too… Cameron, Keith, Mark, Brent & probly Steven. Girls: Sharon (mima told her; she’s totally ignoring me!!!) monique sandra (P) mima, fi, me & tanja S. I didn’t want ‘anyone’ to know… I felt terrible… (kind of) Fi & mime kept telling me to go & talk to him … as if!! Walk up sit down & start talking. I don’t have the guts, sorry. [Have to say, I still wouldn’t do it now either. Yes, I am still THAT shy.] Otherwise, fairly boring day. Think Mark didn’t mind the call. Thinking a lot more about it … he left his dinner, talking to me & the more I think about, I realise he did ask me some questions & talked too. [It’s amazing how well our Minds can ‘warp’ things…] A Life in WordsDad came round this arvy [it was his birthday] – gave him screwdriver set, copper beer mug and socks (& lotsa hugs & kisses) mima & fi went to town after school to get my prezzy!!! 9:35 (miss my digital watch!) can finally do [understand, I assume] my maths!! Hip Hip HOORAY!

Tuesday 8/7/86

Got a bit depressed this afternoon. I feel so dumb – I HATE my shyness. Yet, that is what they all say Mark likes in me. But it also means I won’t be able to talk to him (at school anyway) I am so confused…. Watching the mini-series now “Mistral’s Daughter”. (Besides being a little corny, it is a beautiful story.) 9:50.. gonna crash soon. Did no HW this arvy. [Removing name here for privacy reasons] went home with [and again] (and guess what?  . . .  yes! She said she had to tell someone. She said it was “great”!! !!!) so walking home, she stopped in at my place. We talked. Sometimes about Sharon…a fair bit about Mark. If there was a happy medium between shyness & “bravery” If I could just be able to say ‘Hi’ now & then & talk casually in class etc. it would be perfect. I am tired. And kind of depressed & confused & unsure & insecure. [Heavy]

Wednesday 9/7/86

We skipped athletics trials again this week (and with my luck, they’ll have cracked-down on those who “skip” it so will get into trouble on my birthday…) A Life in WordsWent to town at big lunch… looked for [cassette] tape [of the album] “Little Creatures” by Talking Heads (no one had it) then got Fi’s (formal) shoes off lay-by & got lotsa food. Stopped back at Dunphy’s  newsagent for the rest of the arvy, reading mags again. Polly & her friend Selina were there this time too. Also today realised just how much work I have for art and, all over, how much more I’ll have to try to achieve my goal of at least  3 VHA’s this semester…→ A LOT!! And Mark? Well, I didn’t see much of him. Going to Nana’s for tea tonight [it was her birthday…within the space of 3 days, my dad, my grandmother & I all celebrated our birthdays], on our way to Newmarket Drive In bottle shop, saw a person with blonde hair riding along. Thought Cameron. And it was. And Mark was there too!! YUM YUM! Did no HW. Is 8:50.

Thursday 10/7/86

A Life in Words
At the annual Cairns High & Saint Augustine’s football game. I’m left of centre, lifting my chin…

MY BIRTHDAY…WOWEE. The biggest, sorest pimple on my nose… PAIN! And it’s bright red! Fairly good day. Woke up to phone calls galore & ran late!! From Fi & mima, I got make-up (eye shadows!!) and cards + 1 from Donna. Not much of a fuss at school Thankful, in a way. Pretty boring day except that I missed double art for a bio talk (only to be near mark – otherwise I wouldn’t have gone) Quite fun & I think Mark’s looking at me a bit more again now. (??!!) Upset after school – the CHS & saints footy clash was on & no one had invited me. After a lot of tears [oh dear, not a happy birthday?], I scabbed a lift with the Brewers (felt absolutely terrible) mark wasn’t there. But Cameron (2nd best!) was. Got $100 so far [total birthday cash, that is]. Dad & Geoff & Jenny  yet to go!!! [Expectant little thing, aren’t you?!] (Hoped Mark’d ring or something) eyes are so sore (from crying I guess) stinging – must shut them & get some sleep!! 9:45.

Friday 11/7/86

If there was any doubt, that can (again) be rid of; I have new again, straight from “the man” (Cameron. McK) Fiona said “does mark like Elissa?” In biology dance practise. Of course (loyalty to his friend) he didn’t say but she bugged him & he said (something like) “Mark really likes Elissa. He’d really like to talk to her but is too shy. He’d like to walk up & talk but wouldn’t know how to start a conversation.” FREAKY!! I’m happy! I LOVE MARK!! (I look at him and wonder “that (meaning gorgeous hunk) likes ME?” How can it be? Anyway (I had a good time in chemistry with Cameron, even had a ‘waterfight’ (which Mark witnessed the middle & end of) Went to town with Julia & Justine tonight. Saw so many things I’d like that ended up only buying my shoes – which I adore!!!!!!!! ♥ Mark! 10:45. In town in Chandlers [THE eminent music store in town at that time], saw a guy (not really good looking) had looked so much like Mark ie; his features so closely resembled mark; wonder if its his brother. Unbelievable how similar he looks!

Saturday 12/7/86

I did nothing. (I mean, after I went clothes shopping..) I got a pair of white leggins/ski pants and a heavy cotton jumper/dress… soft pink. Also got white & soft pink socks (cotton, knee-hi) and  mum bought Julia a colourful shirt. But this arvy, I did barely anything. Waste of a day… could’ve waxed my legs or something. . . (eg. HW) But finally got thru’ to mima’s around 6:15… she said they’d come at 6:30 to take me to see the Yr 12’s going to their formal. I wish I could’ve seen Fi . . apparently she looked beautiful [dolled up as an usher for the function – the privilege I had also been offered but declined]. I really felt stupid … why didn’t I go? I know why & in a way I don’t regret saying no. [Well that’s a relief! Acceptance of the outcome of my choice, and a hint of the presence of some degree of self esteem!] Anyway, I’ve already started planning my dress etc!!! 10:10 Hope Mark will be my partner at our formal. Hope so. Yummiest Guy out!! I love Mark W!!!A Life in Words

Sunday 13/7/86

Boring! I did my set HW (and I didn’t even start my english assignment) – well, (what I could do of maths) I didn’t have much. Then I waxed my half leg (shins) I’ve washed  & moisturized  them a lot this time so the hair follicles will hopefully not get infected; feels better!! (Missed a fair bit!!) Also played lots of records [yep, black vinyl – the original recorded music medium!]. But it was rather boring. Love thinking about Mark….. spunk. Also this arvy, experimented with my hair … made it wavy or crinkly & have decided to do it like that for my school photo tomorrow. Looked good! Also have decided how I’m gonna grow my hair …. Length to my lips (all the same; a bob) and get perm solution combed through it; push in some kinks so its slightly wavy or more “bouncy” – “curvy” !!! [Uh-huh and that’ll work. I had fanciful ideas about how things worked!] 10:15 Tired! Got big red dots & pimples all over my face. Will hafta use coverup so they don’t show in my photo.. unless they miraculously heal tonite!!!

[Although I didn’t date it, I’m fairly sure the following spiel I wrote in the ‘Notes’ section at the back of my diary happened sometime in this week – the mood and tone seem to correlate:] Mark is the biggest spunk. Want to make friends with him (at least) Am so upset. How the hell can I do this? Let’s face it; I am far too shy. He has to make the first move. I think he does like me a LOT. I think. (I hope) well, the way it’s going I know I am liking him LOTS more all the time. Just have to look at him and I feel elated knowing he likes me; that beautiful, tall hunk likes me, in all my plainness. It is inconceivable. [It’s inconceivable that I had such an incredibly huge inferiority complex. But, I was what I was!] But I love (??) him or at least have the biggest crush on him ever. . . .

A ‘Fantastic’ New Shirt & a Horror Flick (21-27 April)

Monday 21/4/86

A Life in Words
For those who missed it last week, the (now weathered) news clipping of our art class photo in the Cairns Post

Jemima said a quick ‘Hi’ and said nothing till 3:20 after school. Fiona said ‘Oh, I didn’t see you’ after 2nd period. They weren’t on the bus. But she’d seen me before during the morning. They really piss me off. They did a lot of talking and hanging around each other. [This stems from jealousy, which stems from loneliness. I always felt like a ‘third wheel’, never having a ‘best friend’ of my own.] I spent before school & lunch time in the library with Sharon and Donna respectively. My photo was in the paper for CAD today. [The one from last week’s blog] It was a fairly good one too. Julia thinks I’m one of the prettiest there. (I wish) [My sister often told me how pretty I was, ‘compared to others’. I never ‘valued’ her opinion – assuming she was just saying it because it was her duty as an immediate family member. It also speaks of my lack of Self Worth… or Self Belief.] I am so tired. I don’t think I’ll bother about writing about Mark anymore. I’m wasting my time liking him. He doesn’t like me & never will so why don’t I just stop dreaming?? 9:33 That Kuranda party was a once in a lifetime event. ie: it was a dream. Will never happen again [I’m really in a particular frame of mind at this point in time, huh? Pessimism certainly has the reigns here now.]

Tuesday 22/4/86

Double bio was in lab. I really don’t think mark likes me anymore. [Biology was the only class I had in common with him] Pity. (But I always say that) Jemima went home sick after lunch today. Amanda (C) said she was white as a ghost. Bad, huh? Well, I spent before school and big lunch in the library again: this time helping Sharon. We did a big rush job for her english but it was fairly good. [I’ve only just realised that I was actually doing something that only happens in American teen flicks: doing someone’s homework for them. Well, “helping”. But not getting paid…] And her maths was quite a waste of time. (I spent most of the time talking to Maureen) I HATE Peter P. Everywhere I go practically he’s there. It SHITS ME OFF. [Apparently he was ‘attracted’ to me, but the feeling was (obviously strongly) unrequited.] Boring. Sharon has “organised” for “everyone” to go to Green Island on Anzac Day Holiday. Big rage. Guess who I’m wishin will come. But I’m not hoping cos he probly won’t. It’s 8:44. I want to get lots of sleep. I bin so tired lately.

Wednesday 23/4/86

It was inevitable. It had to happen. Mark F knows who I liked (no longer now) Wonderful. And he won’t believe me when I say I don’t like him anymore. [Teen taunting] I’ll bet he’s told at least one person. He almost told Cameron this arvy. Speech was on my own. Mima had to work (actually, it’s 8:30→ she’ll still be there) I’m hot – no, warm. (Slightly uncomfortable.) I’m trying not to worry about (well, not “worry” but take notice of) Mark W. I do think I still feel for him (so corny, elissa) But I’m wasting my time. I said to Mark F “I wouldn’t have had a chance anyway. PITY. Am going to Green Is. on Fri then mima’s on Sat. Staying sat. night after going to movies. Black bags – something bad under my eyes. Nite nite!!

Thursday 24/4/86

9:57. Sharon hasn’t called me yet. We (I) don’t know what’s happening now. Everyone’s changed his/her mind Sharon, me, Fiona and Angela M want to go to Green Is. But Joannah C. doesn’t want to go anywhere. I don’t know what’s happening. Except that I must remember to ring mima about Saturday night. Today was different. I only spent before school in the library with Sharon; at lunch, I was with mima & fi. Walking home off bus, Mark F. mentioned Mark W and I stressed to Neville I used to like him. They both don’t. (Up their arses!) I still think he’s a hunk, tho. Quite warm today. Not usual autumn weather. Am so tired. Hair is growing fast. Seems everyone i.e.: the “popular” girls Angie M, Trisha, Michelle W, Joannah etc are being really nice lately. Am glad!! [The Need for Acceptance – oh Ego, you are so blinding…]

Friday 25/4/86

[Anzac Day] HOLIDAY So far as laziness, gluttony and boredom go, this has been my worst day. I ate so much. I feel so ashamed. I did absolutely nothing but watch TV or read my book (or eat) instead of doing homework. And as a result, it was the most boring-est day of my life. You see, cos Sharon didn’t ring back last night, I had to ring her at 7:30 to find out whether she was going or not cos Fi rang an hour earlier, wanting to know what was happening. Anyway; it wasn’t on. So that’s how I spent Anzac Day, 1986. A Life in WordsCyclone Manu is getting closer to Cairns by the minute. “What? Another cyclone?” Yep! Not quite as intense as Winnifred it has centre winds of 150km/hr so far. 11:32. Got back from movies, OUT OF AFRICA was absolutely BRILLIANT no other word for it. went with mum & julia & geoff

Saturday 26/4/86

Well. I got ready and “rushed” into town. Bought a fantastic green (emerald green) blouse. I love it. Only $28. Saw mima – she said she thinks it’ll still be on. I said for her to give me a quick buzz if it’s not, but otherwise I’ll come as per normal. I did maths HW all arvy till I packed for mima’s. Didn’t have a shower. Got all “excited” – the first movie was “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”. Then that Movie. I didn’t watch more than about 1/20 of it!! I kept my knees in front of my face most of the time. And I was “fine!” [It was a horror flick called ‘House’. I have always hated ‘scary’ movies – so my attendance at this was for purely social reasons.] Colleen, Liam, Sharon, Fi, Brent, Polly, Anna, me & mima went. Not many other known people. Mark R was there. Got to sleep around 1:00! Was alright, too! [Alright as in no boogeymen or nightmares]

A Life in Words
In my “fantastic” new green top before seeing the horror flick, ‘House’

Sunday 27/4/86 

Woke around 9:00. Slept in till 10:30. Today went so fast. Around midday Amanda (C) came round. We talked. Watched ‘Fraternity Vacation’. Ate piklets. And honeycomb. And played junior Trivial Pursuit. Amanda left, Brent came & left, Jay left. We finished the game around 5:00. Took Shannon home to get her clothes for school. Then I was dropped home. (I think this pen’s running out) Watched Countdown. Watched more TV. Boy, am I tired, now!! Absolutely bugared. (I definitely need a new pen I think) Pretty, funny kind of day. Did no HW. Umah! Wanted to get my english assignment out of the way. Too bad!! School 2morrow. Thank God for school. I love it!! [Now how often does one hear THAT?]

The Mannequin & the Ancient African Queen (17-23 March)

Monday 17/3/86

Guess who was a snob today? I walked down to art, passed him (in a crowd of people) he looked but face was the usual scornful look – no’ expression. I smiled partially. [Definitely one of those begin-to-smile-then-realise-the-recipient-isn’t-going-to-reciprocate moments] I had wanted to say Hello. Angie was upset, too. Sandy B said Mark told her he didn’t like her. (I don’t mean to sound cruel but I hope he doesn’t) [Obviously self-interest, certainly no animosity] Also, Keith kinda looked as if he wanted to say hi, but I was too shy. [Surprise, surprise!] In art, 4th period – he came briefly into our class (I was sitting near the door &  partially smiled at him as he entered) I do like Mark a fair bit. Got up-to-date (fairly, anyway) in Maths. Actually got my english assignment in too!! Double Bio tomorrow. I wonder if Mark remembered the things we did & said – I hope so. He’s so nice! It’s 9:38. I have the distinct feeling I’m not in Jemima’s good books lately. Wonder if I’ve upset her at all. Heather & Marg esp. H. are being really nice to me now. Same as lotsa others. I’m in good books [I’m certainly not feeling like the ‘goody-goody’ (social ‘pariah’) I felt I was at Smithfield High now.]

Tuesday 18/3/86

M-Mark! Mm-mm! Hunky!! Did I tell you we got the car back yesterday? No? Well it looks good (abit funny tho’, cos all the parts are new & modern i.e. bumper bar, grill, lights & bonnet etc and it makes the car ooh funny – back part old fashioned – front modern!!) Rode today with mima (Fi’s got a flat) A Life in WordsFirst a dog chased us, then got soaked to the bone in a downpour (And I got a bit the same on my way home, too) Beka also called in to give me a belt back Wanted to tell her all about the party & Mark – but didn’t have time. Also did no HW. Hafta wake early tomorrow to do it. Also have to reply to Fran’s & Delanie’s letter, yet. Raining now. I love it. Rain, rain come & stay, never ever go away!! Ha! Ha! It’s 9:36. And I should’ve gotten to bed an hour ago.

Wednesday 19/3/86

I had some good news today. Well, I’m hoping it means good. Y’see, at lunchtime, barely anyone was around our seats, except Angie (M) & Astia & the pop. guys up the end. Terry said “elissa” – I look ’round → he said “come here”. I say “why?” “Wanna talk to you” – I start to move up & hear a funny noise from the group→ a laugh kind of. [yes, clearly the boys were getting ‘excited’ & ready for the ‘entertainment’…] I’m sure I went scarlet & I felt great heat creeping up my neck and face. I didn’t hear who he said but Terry said “… is a nice guy.” Shame! But you know who I hoped it was! (Angie M. was away yesterday [here I am omitting something that is not my place to share] ) After speech, fi, mim & I were talking about … mim said she doesn’t think he hates me (cos we were “together all night→ Bull) Fi said she overheard M & Steven in art and said “You remember the manequin?” “Yes” he said (I dunno how he said it though) A Life in Words[I’m surprised I didn’t mention the ‘Mannequin’ anecdote, but then I was limited for space in my diary. It began on the Fitzroy Island biology excursion, when I was ‘caught’ dozing on the boat ride back to Cairns: when I opened my eyes, I saw Mark & Angie & the rest of the group all looking at me, then (naturally) they laughed. I was highly embarrassed (which is another reason I’m surprised I didn’t recount the tale on the day). So at the party, Mark was asked (can’t recall whether I or one of my friends interrogated him) about that moment and his explanation was that they were concluding I looked like a mannequin because I was so still. Hmm, doesn’t ring true with me now, but I ‘ate it up’ then.]  M. is tops. It’s 9:33. Wow!! another late night & no HW done. Wonder, wonder, wish (??!!)

Thursday 20/3/86

I am confused. I don’t know whether he likes me or not (to start with) and whether he likes Angela M still or not. (It’s known that he said he didn’t,  but maybe he changed his mind. [It has been known to happen!] Hope not. Hope he likes me a lot. If not a lot, then not at all [haha, “all or nothing”!] Because if I did go with him, I’d be constantly afraid of the relationship ending. Cause I like him a lot & I don’t think I could cope with him saying he didn’t like me. [Oh dear, so much Fear at such a young age. So much …Ego!] Oooohhhhh… English exam I think I failed. It was so hard compared to the ones we got from Smithfield. Didn’t ride today – I rode to mim’s in morning to check – caught bus at her stop & watched everyone at gym. Fun? Nuh. It’s 10:01 on the dot. And I am disturbed. My dream last night gave me doubts about ever (if possible) entering into a relationship with anyone. PS: I did maths HW

Friday 21/3/86

Can barely keep my eyes open. Is 10:20. I am so tired. Went to Nana’s to help her with her cleaning and also change around her furniture. After, went to Coles to get some (few) groceries for us. Mark was there – I didn’t see him until the end. Wonder what he thinks of me. It is so hard to tell. Wish I knew. Wish there was another party. Damn, am so tired – my eyes are so sore. Chemistry was O.K. Tanja & I were able to check some answers but I know  I haven’t full marks. Got 17/20 for my english assignment, too, which is excellent, considering I wrote it before school & at lunch-time!! [I was always a ‘natural’ in English] Have another one to do this weekend + Maths + Biology study. I am dead. Work tomorrow. Have decided to ask dad if he can give me money instead of chocolate, for Easter. I really want to get my hair permed. I must also lose some weight.

Saturday 22/3/86A Life in Words

Half-hoping someone would ring and invite me to a party, I decided not to spend the night at Dad’s unlike Julia. [This is exactly what I say to people when I’m finding examples of my “un-familial” nature. I yearned for social stimulation (but didn’t actively seek it out- duh!) Funnily enough, I believe I inherited my sociability from my father himself – I have always perceived him as more of a social creature than a devoted family man. Perhaps this is why, to this day, we maintain significantly less contact than my sister and he do?] I worked only a little – there was not much to do – I earned $21.50. When I got home, I wrote letters – 1 to Fran (short-ish) but the 1 I wrote to Delanie was 8 pages: about 6 or 7 of which were all about Mark, the party & Fitzroy etc. Ha! I’m wishing’! (Bloody oath, I am – no joke. He’s got to like me. Got to) Oh! It’s 10:38. Late night again. And I did no HW again as usual. Cram, Cram, Cram. Have maths, bio study & eng. & bio assignments to do tomorrow. Poop. AM starting to feel tired now. Weather is wierd. All my thoughts and writings (i.e. letters & this diary) are concerned with Mark. he is all I think about. Oh dear[Yes, oh dear]

Sunday 23/3/86

A Life in Words
Elissa, Queen of Carthage coin, circa 410-310BC

It’s 9:42. 10 minutes ago I finished a letter to lucy. Now, this weekend, I have written 4 letters, sent 2. Started writing out rules for maths exam. Did a bit on bio assignment (found out most of my flowers are now mouldy or brown) and (very little) for english. Spent most of my time Doing my hair, listening to music, reading about classical mythology and eating. [We had a strange little single volume ‘Pears’ encyclopedia that I loved to delve into now & then. It contained some pretty eclectic info, including a great deal on Mythology, which I loved. In it I actually discovered an alternative origin of my name, other than the boring “derivative of Elizabeth”. Elissa (or Dido) was a Phoenecian princess credited with founding and then ruling as first Queen of the city of Carthage (in what is now Tunisia) in 814BC. I’m guessing that predates the very English name ‘Elizabeth’. Perhaps Elizabeth is a derivative of Elissa?] Nell & Amanda came around. Conversation was very weak – couldn’t get one started. But they left almost as soon as they came. Nana came over, too. In all my letters (except to Jodie & Mike & to a lesser extent, Fran) I have detailed about mark – it has been the major subject of the letters. I just can’t get him off my mind. Am I in love? [Nope] Or deeply infatuated? [Bingo!] Or, or what? [Obsessed?] God I wish I knew.