trust – Page 2 – A Life in Words

A Bittersweet Return to School (16-22 March)

Published on March 16, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 16/3/87

My foot did not swell up too much today (But the fact is, it did swell) Well, I thought I did well, walking round – doing stairs at a great pace (ha! wattabout your sore feet & knees – the pain?) [Go easy, Liss! You’ve hardly used your feet and knees for almost 6 weeks; of course they’ll suffer after your first 8 hour day on them.] Well, ..it’ll get better! (Bloody rags today) Dressing- painfully took off the dressing from where the skin was taken looks like a big graize. Euch! Generally good. I was abit nervous this morning. At school, Mark did not talk to me, look at me or come near me. At home, I rang mima tonight (Fi’s run out of things to say- I needed a new opinion) she insisted I ring him. I had a shower -talked to Jodie on the phone, and, after a lot of deliberation, finally dialled. It was a ‘sad’ phone call.. uncomfortable – probly lots more for him (I cried – I couldn’t help it) He hadn’t read the letter …wasn’t thinking about me. Angry at my ‘attitudes’ [?] .. finally apologised (made a real mess) … “I really stuffed up this time didn’t I?” [Really? How? By being yourself?] He said “I love you” .. I said “I love you too and you know it & never forget it.” [oh purleeease…] With that.. I rang Fi & told her .. I’m nervous again. It’s like we’re starting all over again… I’m going to be rather unsure tomorrow. [Such deep insecurity…] I’m glad the worst is over though. [Is it?] Euch! I felt confident (in a way) today- felt slim, pretty & flirtatious. [I’m sorry, what? How ironic: insecure, needy and self-deprecating on the one hand and yet….self confident on the other?]

Tuesday 17/3/87

It didn’t go too smoothly .. we didn’t talk before school, during double maths or after art ..at little lunch he came up & talked to Fi .. I stood by. In bio. he sat next to me. we got on “famously” and ..he slipped a note in my bio book. Big lunch-mucked round a fair bit. In art curiosity killed me- I read a beautiful letter of forgiveness & ‘repent’.. [privacy omission]. Still doesn’t think I have total trust in him. But, that’s it! (I also finally got the photo of us in hospital back from Fi!) Good day, all told! I did HW from about 5:00 till 9:50 …now it’s 10:25 – I had to have my shower ‘n’ everything – I knew I’d lose track of time (only doing biology HW, too! mozzies bad!) There was interruption- Justine McP. visited. Cool weather now (not hot at all really- my leg’s good- kept it “up” [elevated] when not in use – and it stayed “unswollen” all day!! Hopefully.. it’ll stay that way!! Mr P. rang tonite ..saying how soon as Monique got home from Brissy – dropped her bags & rang me. And of course, when she finally got on to me, I got to her place in ½ hr. B.F. Always. I LOVE YOU MONIQUE.

Wednesday 18/3/87

My foot’s O.K! Even after bushdancing tonight! Unreal! (Swelling, that is ..not ‘pain’) Yeah, well .. it did ache for some time, but, I’m doin’ extremely well! (Bandage slipped last night.) (Mima gave me a note today about monique etc. I cried.. was so sad.) Mark ‘n’ I did O.K. again… esp. beginning of tonight.. I gave him a kiss when I’d said something bad.. [‘bad’ meaning something that had the potential to be taken the wrong way?] he gave one back (YUM) But later during dancing .. he went off on his own .. I went up to him (outside) but left him alone (he wanted to be .. I’d asked him) that worried me. (wants to cut my hair tomorrow.. has $20 riding [betting] $12 me, $2 mima $2 Julie H. $4 Fiona. Lose, Mark!) I love him & I hope it’s not me he’s upset with (again). [I] Caught up in computers this arvy.. dunno too much though. It’s 10:25 – need to go to hosp. for dressing tomorrow, before school. Wonder if Mark’ll miss me? (Didn’t do bio HW – got marked down & didn’t do tonight’s either ..great -another against my name. I love you, Honey. HOT

A Life in Words — A Google search for “Henry Scott death” generates many links to this poem, so I can only assume that this was what upset Mark. Given all we had experienced in the recent past, it is very pertinent.

Thursday 19/3/87

I can wash my leg now, change my dressings myself. I HATE my leg. It is so ugly. IT IS NOT FAIR .. NOT FAIR .. it’s deformed – I’ve lost my nerves [the wound included some permanent nerve damage; I have no/minimal superficial (dermal) feeling over/around most of my knee and extending part way down my inner calf] .. It’s fat & swollen. I cried for Monique today again. in art. I am a lot more lately. Found out, through Cameron that Mark was given a note “A few words from Henry Scott” or something a quote on death ..and he was upset about Monique..that’s why he was as he was .. he came at little lunch (I came at 2nd period after “dressing” & seeing Ms. DeJourdan) End of big lunch, talked, mucked round – ID. card is revolting I wrecked it tonight cut it up!!

After school [Mark] tried to cut my hair I got a bit violent in “defence”.. but OK. Brent cut Fi’s instead. I am so angry about my leg ..happy this morning but looking at it open depresses me so much. It’s ugly- I’d rather be dead. I’m only living for Mark ..I’d miss him too much if I went to Monique. Like now I miss her too much .. I’m with Mark. [It’s quite bizarre to think I’d’ve given up my life up for some bodily scarring, and even more so that one random human being was my sole reason for not. I’m fairly sure I knew deep down that Life held more than that…] Is. 9:45. Night.

Friday 20/3/87

Puritty good day!! Sayin’ goodbye was good, but at the time disappointing – a smack on the bum! Double eng …bore! art .. my painting sux – but I’m going to work it and call it “the freaky memory” in remembrance of monique’s & my coincidental experience (concerning Cameron, last year.) [If you missed it, see Wednesday’s entry in this post] Unreal! chem. prac boring… lunchtime Mark tried to make me shitty (was funny!) Did no HW in arvy- ready for Ms. Marsland’s CAD dinner party, at 7:10 mark rang! Talked for ages! Finally arrived at ∼8:30. Drank a whole bottle of apple cider (alcoholic) FUN! Boring for me ..dunno ..Monique missing..seemed incomplete (& kept thinking of Mark) Had a go on the video recorder (didn’t eat much dinner – not fussed on Italian food) Trina & me veged! Most left around 11:30.. I, Michelle & Nev (me lift home with Nev.) watched the video after they’d gone. Mark on my mind. (Went to Terry’s – Terry rang Astia there ..Mark didn’t talk to me..) I was under-dressed! Home at about 1:45 (thinking of mark)

Saturday 21/3/87

Woke 9:20!! Got ready – spent morning at Earlville buying undies – 4 pairs!! [Woo!] At home (after visiting Nana – feel sorry for her) Michael B came round while I picked dead skin off my wound. (Kept it ‘open’ today – this arvy – drying – did yesterday arvy too – “paraded” up ‘n’ down street showing neighbours!!) Mark rang. Then wouldn’t speak – Cameron did. Mark “hung up”. Didn’t ring back so after ∼10mins I did. Mark talked ..Cameron did then M. hung up I rang back immediately. I thought he was shitty – wanted me to decide what to do tonight (I watched TV arvy) & he rang back 5:00. MOVIES ..Colour of Money. I was worried – he’d mentioned something about a “TALK” – rang Fi – made me feel better [as she always did…]. Got to Odeon [cinema] Just 4/5 mins ‘fore him …walked round ..Glyn & Hayley were there! During interval – he came back & (through joke) I think he had “the talk” .. I’m officially his girlfriend!! During movie – holding hands – [privacy omission]. Soooo nice. We dropped him home (mum, after ringing her) I’M IN LOVE!!

Sunday 22/3/87

Woke 9:30!! Slept in yet again!! And, with dressing off all day ..noticed changes compared to yesterday! I can see differences already!! Well, I went down to Amanda’s place with Julia watched the video GODS MUST BE CRAZY silly/funny ..mostly silly. Walking home after, Polly & Mrs B. stopped in the car, invited us up. Did nothing much at home -not one scrap of homework. . . shit, then went to Brewers .. had a ‘dip’ (very quick) did nothing much- watched Young Talent Time. Rather boring day, really. (Altogether) Can’t wait till I have enough time (on the holidays??) to clean out my room & make my CAMP/CRASH/MONIQUE scrapbook. Rather warm today. Ugh . . 3 weeks till Jodie & Mike (& Lucy) come!! I wish I had more spare time- wish my leg would heal even faster!! I love Mark. I’ll say it yet again. Can’t wait for BBQ on Wed nite (interschool – seniors only! UNREAL!)

Her Funeral, the Public Memorial & Raw Meat Pie (9-15 February)

Published on February 9, 2015 by Elissa Coxen2 Comments

Monday 9/2/87

Mark saw me 2 times today!! Came up in his wheelchair! He was chirpier and only stayed little whiles. I was shitty in the morning – woken early again cos I couldn’t roll over – so bad – makes me restless so I’m still tired & cranky. A shower and I still felt bad – exhausted. But I put lotsa pressure on my left leg – put all my weight on it (nearly) GREAT! (But dad reminded me tonight about the crack in my femur – don’t wanna make that worse.) [In the long term this injury amounted to nothing: at some stage I recall a doctor saying they weren’t even certain it existed: the crack was so fine that it could have simply been a scratch on the X-ray itself] They also dressed my right leg (the deep puncture) today – Tania C (who was here all day – 10am to 8pm!!) and my fav. nurse Alison “comforted” me but I made heaps of noises – it was bad. [I’ve already ascertained that my vocal chords are not inhibited in times of Stress…] My leg was put on an electric exerciser – it was great – bending & moving my right leg!! I was wary at first. God changing the dressing was hell-ful. I also did my first shit in one week or ≈8/9 days. [Ok, for new readers, I need to explain: my family – dad in particular – was not very inhibited with regard to discussing bodily functions. To the point that (perennial comedian he is) he coined a phrase for the phenomenon: the “Coxen Bowel Fetish”. If you care to better understand this unique family trait, there’s a fuller explanation in this post from my 1984 archives] Quite a few visitors perked me up. We watched video of Friday’s school memorial & tree planting. Sound was terrible couldn’t hear anything. Cried anyway. [Naturally] Mark got his tube out of his lung. Am tired now – hoping I can roll over tonight. Glad Mark visited me “a lot”. I really do think he likes me a lot – that letter says it all & so has he. It’s about […and then I forgot to fill in the time..]

Tuesday 10/2/87

I went to Monique’s funeral by car around 2:30 I thought it’d “do the job” – but I still don’t think I’ve cried enough. I realised I lost a true friend – a person I met & related with so soon, but trusted quickly & forever. She lives in my heart & mind. I need her to live with me. I met Kerri; saw Mr & Mrs P. I cry when I see them & Camille & Kerri. [I think this was the last time I would see Monique’s mother for a very long time. Apparently she refused to see me because it was too painful, because it was always with Monique. Of course this upset me, but how could I fail to understand that?] Kerri & her mum came to the hospital tonight. She doesn’t say much. [Kerri was Monique’s ‘previous’ best friend in Brisbane. With hindsight I now understand she may not have “said much” because she too would have been in shock and grieving…] I felt really cranky after the funeral – my leg was sore. people all looking at me [I’m hardly an exhibitionist, but I can tolerate a certain amount of attention. Things mustn’t be ‘rosy’ if I am shunning the ‘spotlight’…] – went home in a stretcher in an ambulance. Rolled over (partly) last night! But woken early by nurses anyway 6:00. ooooh! Bumsore! Legsore! Change of dressing was bad again today. I hate it so much. [I still hadn’t the courage to look at the wound: I have always found that one method of tolerating (physical) pain is to not look at what’s causing it. For example, I still can’t watch the needle piercing my dermis in the act of blood giving, for example…] Tanya (C.) & Alison “helped” me again, tho’ I bit Tanya’s back today. Umah. [Clearly it’s not just my vocal chords that respond to stress: so do my jaw muscles…] Funny – having Tanya in all day. (And yesterday) She’s good company. [She really was one of my Saviours] Mark came up little while once. Tonight for longer … gave him kiss (little) worried – Jaque & Michael B both say Tricia spends 2hrs a day with him. I must trust him. Exerciser again – bending knee higher. memorial service tomorrow. Will it do the final job of recovering me? Will it get me out of shock? [Oh the naivety… if only it was as easy as ‘flicking a switch’…] must be with mark 4 it. about 9:00

Wednesday 11/2/87

A packed day. Slept badly again-rolling a little isn’t enough … I went for a shower (reluctantly almost) and stood on my left leg to do so (I went to the ladies for the 1st time – out of a wheelchair – on a seat for the bath.) Then after using the loo- yes, proper loo! for a shit, yes, poo! (Talked to Trina – both of us for 10mins!) Ambulance men came. Mum hadn’t come with my uniform so Jaque let me wear hers. I felt terrible at first. I was smiling & waving at people [well… you were free of your hospital room for the first time in 6 days, and since visitor numbers had declined, seeing familiar faces after ‘so long’ would have been quite refreshing] & couldn’t cry – but later, during the eulogies, it all came out. Monique was my 1st best friend in about 6yrs [I can’t think whom I supposed my previous best friend was… six years earlier I would’ve been in Year 5 or 6 at primary school] – I think my first true one [indisputable]. I love her & I’m gonna miss her so much – not gonna be there (physically) anymore, when I need her… left in tears (news crews there – I was on the news – Mark too & others) They made me get on crutches – walk today. It hurt so much…even more (?? not sure) than dressing the wound ..I screamed but it was better today than “ever”. [“Dressing the wound” was a tad more complex than you might think. Still unable to bring myself to look at it, all I knew at this stage was that they had to ‘pack’ the wound daily with saline-soaked cottonwool, around the two plastic ‘drains’ that were buried in there. That may begin to give you an idea of the extent of the injury…] Lotsa Smithfield people came becca p, Karen & toni & Jo B – gave me a record voucher & chocolates. [Yes, black vinyl. We still had record players in the late 80’s, although cassettes were more predominantly used (in our walkmans, right?) CD’s were pretty much unheard of’.] Isn’t that great? Um, saw mark little – another kiss. He’s going tomorrow. hope he sees me at school lunchtimes. I wonder if Tricia kisses him when she sees him. Bitch – spending too much time with him. [The Green Monster] Hope nothing happens back at school. OH WOE!!

Thursday 12/2/87

I nearly fainted on the crutches this arvy – I decided to try and walk to the loo – but the pain in my leg – the blood rushing to my wound my feet – by my wound – made me light-headed weak, dizzy. After drinking water – I was wheeled to the loo. SHit. I’ve been eating choc-coated peanuts they made me shit 2 times more this arvy. [I can’t decide whether the ‘SHit’ was an expletive because I failed to get to the bathroom on my own & had to be wheeled in, or whether it was an introduction to the statement detailing my bowel movements…] After loo, I went to see Mark – talked & mucked around. He went home. (after long (??) time) But he has to come here 10pm – stay the night so they can check his leg in the morning. Hope he visits me. Said he’s going to movies tomorrow night – & it only just occurred to me: with whom? TRICIA? NO! He CAN’T. WOULDN’T. COULDN’T. might? Oh dear; I hope he visits me lots. I’ll miss him – I already do. Doctors undressed my leg today so I had no painkillers WHATSOEVER. I let out a scream & one doctor revved me. [I was immediately stunned into silence; why did the doctor snap at me? How could he be so heartless? So rough, insensitive & unsympathetic? Aren’t all medical professionals meant to be caring? I was a kid for chrissakes, with a hole in my leg …to which the dressings stuck fast every day. Was I not entitled to react to Pain? I literally dreaded the doctors’ rounds thereafter, and even tried to arrange bathroom sojourns in order to evade them. This experience may also possibly underlie my partial aversion to the clinical medical industry…] I saw the wound – unpacked. Yukky. [That’s a bit of an understatement. The only way I have been able to describe it to people is in this light: imagine you took the pastry top off a meat pie, and discovered not only that it was uncooked (red-raw) inside, but that there were also two bits of plastic tubing staring out at you. That was what my right inner thigh (about 10cms above my knee) looked like. It’s a real shame we never managed to take any photos of it.] Then waited ages till the nurses brought the stuff – to repack themselves I was much better today I think. Took stitches out of my [left] knee. God I wish my muscles would work themselves. [That’s what every lazy person wishes with regard to physical activity!] It’s 9:00. I need an early night. So I can hack walking or even standing tomorrow. I hate it. HURTS SO BAD. ♥ u mark!

Friday 13/2/87

My bruising appears to be going down – it’s fading.. I got on crutches lots today… walkies!! and I didn’t scream or even yell when my dressing was done! (I had the Finnish sister – she’s really gentle – doesn’t rip off stuff that’s stuck to the wound- soaks it in NaCl+H2O [saline solution] and gently prys apart.) But the best bit was… MY CAMERA WAS FOUND & THE HORNETTS PROCESSED THE FILM! I Have PHOTOS! 20 photos some good, some boring – but all are great campshots. Not enough of Monique. A few visitors today. Mark came up before he left. 2 goodbye kisses. I’m gonna miss him. He’d better come up tomorrow. If he doesn’t I’ll bash him!! Ha, ha! (Not going to movies- he’s going to dinner with family- “WELCOME HOME”.) Getting rain lots now. Think periods are over, thank god. Ms Mars. came up & gave us (Trina & I) [art] work. Pizza (from dad) for tea. Jaque’s going home tomorrow. Will be boring-er [meaning: more boring] when she’s gone. Yowie fell out of bed last night & Mark almost ran him over today. (in wheelchair) God, he’s lost weight – skinny runt. Restless sleep last night …couldn’t get comfortable – couldn’t roll over much. Shitty right leg. hurry up & heal! about 9:30.

Saturday 14/2/87

VALENTINE’S I got from him a red rose, a balloon-on-a-stick (saying “I love you”) and a card (and even a little letter-which is great, considering he finds it hard to write) he came during the last 15mins or so of my dressing- I didn’t know for the first 10 mins. and was babbling on.. Ha,ha. He stayed quite some time- about 4 or 5 kisses altogether today. Love that guy… can’t wait til I’m better & we’re both back at school. Cried more for Monique today. Realised how she’s the only one I’ll really miss – she’s the one who was most part of my life. I love you Monique. I wish you were here. I thought about being dead today. If I’d died, I wouldn’t’ve minded – cos moni’d be with me.. I’d feel none of the pain I get with this leg etc [The contemplation of Death is unavoidable in an experience such as this. You meet with it yourself, you lose your peers to it, you can’t hide from it. Up to this point in time, I naturally hadn’t formed many beliefs (we were never a highly religious family). I hadn’t conceived of much: ‘Where’ exactly do you – did they – Go? Heaven? What is Heaven? Does it even exist? The Fear of Death is simply the Unknown, so it’s clear that in one (very odd) respect I benefitted from Monique’s death: it removed an element of Fear about the Afterlife (or simply, ‘After’). I believed I would not be Alone, and I would not feel (physical) Pain…] ..Few visitors ..boring day cause JACQUE LEFT at 10:30. It’s so different without her. Ate lotsa junk today Hospital food -yukky-some alright. Kentucky from Trina’s parents for tea. I still will cry for monique I don’t think I’ll ever stop – slow down maybe, but never stop. [I was right. But the tears much, much fewer and farther between, because… Life Goes On.] Easier on crutches, esp. tonight.

Sunday 15/2/87

Mark did come in today.. was boring for him, I could tell..reckons he won’t come back or see me for 3 weeks… I reckon he’ll come back. Has to. I’ll bash him if he doesn’t!! [What’s with all this ‘bashing’ Liss? A bit aggressive…] Love that guy. He came in before I went for a shower and had my dressing changed – saw the hole in my leg. Crabbe came in yet again…and Tania, but what’s new? Missing Alyson (nurse) quite a few new nurses now Did my daily exercise – crutch to loo shower, clean my teeth, to the “lookout room” at the other end of this floor & other miscellaneous crutch expeditions. Here I was thinking this diary would be just big enough. Next year I’m gonna get a thick book & write when I feel like it…probly every night, but more often if I feel inclined. Slept quite well last night. Talked to lotsa people, Justin, Daniel A, Dad, mum about their side of the story; what they felt ..what happened to them. [I believe ‘sharing’ experiences assists in the grieving and/or healing process. I have been surprised by the number of readers who have, through their gratitude to me for these blogposts, expressed this. While she wasn’t a ‘diariser’ like I, Mum managed to maintain a journal for a few weeks after the accident and I intend to transcribe parts of that in another, separate post in the near future. Reading it myself is difficult for two reasons: not merely identifying with (or trying to imagine) her experience, but also because she has now passed, her absence (my Loss) is accentuated.] I realised I haven’t dreamt since the accident. 2 weeks almost. Wonder if that’s [a] mental side effect. Will ask a social worker tomorrow. Eeek! Doctors tomorrow looking at my wound. No escaping it! Aaagh! Ate a fair bit today. Ooo-er! Rainy, cool… I think I’m getting better physically… mentally no.. I’m depressed… I’ll be in here at least another week.. I reckon 2. Everybody else’ll be gone by then I bet.

Leadership Camp, Day Three (3 February)

Published on February 3, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Tuesday 3/2/87

I kind of ignored him today. After the 1st group session – group dynamics, he walked past me. I didn’t react in any way. I didn’t think he wanted to see me. Bush dancing was next. I had a swim after that. A really long one. He came up to me finally. We talked about it . . he said most beautiful, caring things. I’m sure they’re true. We kissed, yes, near the yacht. [I vaguely recall that small yacht anchored in the dam] (mima, Brent & Glyn saw us) After adventure walk, we, or I swam quickly again to get clean. My ringworm is drying & scabbing – my feet are absolutely covered in blisters and my colds not gone yet. [I completely forgot I’d had a ringworm. I think it’s the only one I’ve ever had in my life, too. It’s somewhat ironic that I was suffering so many ‘minor’ ailments considering what was about to befall us in less than 24 hours’ time.] We had the concert, for which we sat together, Mark hugging me. We got those “warm fuzzies” that we wrote about people back – when I didn’t [get any warm fuzzies] Mark whispered about 10 in my ear [privacy omission]. The concert was great entertainment. So funny then there were “awards” after it. That was funny too. Mark & I [privacy omission] went inside our tent. I spent the next hour or so completely elated. [OMG, what is this? Mills & Boon? FYI, is still not what y’all think either…] we ate a bit before we finally crashed. (when? I don’t even have a clue!)

[Part of the text on this page in the scrapbook has begun to fade, mostly because of the colour I chose to write in…]

during the night last night, jemima woke .. sick & sick still this morning .. we assumed it was the dip she ate last night. [But no one else was sick?] After breakfast time (& a swim!!!!) we assembled to find out what activities we were doing next. Jemima was allowed to sit out of her first two activities. We did “group dynamics” ..another basic get-to-know-each-other exercise + ‘trust’ activities.. being led blindfolded by a partner around the camp for example. After our break, we did bushdancing .. that was .. hmm .. funny (a scream!) At lunch time today, I had a very long swim .. much longer than usual .. (my cold is still there, but not quite as bad.) Adventure walk was the last activity & I thought the best. Exercises to do with balance & co-ordination and strength→ great fun! […and I end up teaching this kind of stuff to people 20 years later…] (Minus the pain of blisters & sunburn) After that I ‘dipped’ quickly to wash off mud while Erica & Monique washed their hair After dinner break, were called for an (earlier) assembly. First we were “lectured” about leadership & those responsibilities etc, but afterwards, the “warm fuzzies” (written by each & every person, for each & every person) were handed out. (However, some people (me for example) didn’t get them because the people who’d written them (or supposed to have written them) didn’t hand them in (or forgot to, like Trina for example)) After this there was a short break when concert entries prepared (or began to prepare) for their items. Then came the awards . . Monique got one for the ‘most pitiful expression’ (the ‘feel sorry for me’ look) [I have absolutely no recollection of that at all] . . [privacy omission] (along with Jody & Lee-anne) for the inseparable couple . . and Mark & Steven the ‘camp scabs’. (To name a few) Finally the concert began and it was quite funny. The first item was a fashion parade (of, of course, the oldest & most daggy clothes) then others followed. . Mark M’s (winning) impersonations, [ha! “winning”! Eatcha heart out, Charlie Sheen] Jody K’s Kiwi warcry [the ‘Haka’] & a few other ‘singular’ & group efforts. This was the best night . . people (surprisingly) had rather early nights .. generally turning out lights & getting shut-eye when the authorities asked. Of course.. the last night & day are usually always the best anyway.

Sydney Sights, Letter-Writes & Fandangled People-Moving Apparatus (15-21 December)

Published on December 15, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 15/12/86

Today we went to ‘downtown’ Chatswood. (local shopping area) It was so good! Escalators galore! I love those things! [Uh, yes, a strange sentiment it may be but believe it or not, in 1986 there was not one escalator in Cairns. Of course I knew what they were, but never having ridden ‘moving stairs’ can you blame me for being excited? Ah, the small things…] I bought a new purse/wallet $17, grey leather – beaut! Also a pair of $9.95 hoops, but I want to take them back – I don’t need them. or want them, really. [Frugal, honest & practical] And from my Xmas prezzy ($30 voucher at Katies) from Geoff, [I got] a $24 dress (singlet – navy & white stripe) And a $3 silver bangle to go with my charm bracelet. I thought about Mark, mostly, when I was looking for presents, cards etc. But I didn’t get to start writing letters tonight. It will have to be tomorrow for mim & Fi or else [they won’t get them in time…before Christmas. I know it seems way too early to stress about, but I do recall Australia Post warning people to allow up to 6 working days for mail & parcel deliveries, due to the naturally heavier workload the season brought]. And I really want to get one sent to mark (not sure about cameron.) Oh, I am missing them – but only when I think about them – that’s sometimes quite often. Some gorgeous guys in town – one in particular wearing a navy blue jacket – yum is 10:08 (9:08 Qld)

Tuesday 16/12/86

It’s 9:30 (8:30 in youknowwhere) [yes, we fully get the picture by now] well, I finished 3 letters tonight – Fi, mima and Dad. Today we went to SYDNEY [the CITY]. The centrepoint (Sydney) tower was alright. We didn’t get to go to the levels with the shops on. Just the highest – for viewing. Got about 5 piccies of certain things. Walked round. All I bought today was a silver ring $2 and $3.60 worth of stamps. Must post them early tomorrow. Hope they get there in time. [Hmmm, starting to ‘push it’ now…] Still don’t know whether to write to Mark or not. Would love to. But..!?! It’s 9:55 now (I stopped to have a shower. Am looking forward to sleep – got a little sick, dizzy (exhaustion) towards the late afternoon ‘fore we went home. On the train, gorgeous guy standing near the door (& me) Yum, Yum, Yum yum. Must hurry & buy some prezzies soon. NIGHT !!! Yes! [NO idea what this random “yes” was all about…]

Wednesday 17/12/86

Today we went to Taronga Park Zoo. Woke earlier than ever today. Jodie & I had to race over the the Post Office at 10:10, to get my letters to Dad, Fi & mim posted in the 10:30 post. Saw bears, and an elephant and giraffes and seals and rhinoceroses (!!) and tigers. And the seal show was great. I used up the rest of my film – need a new one now! [For those too young to recall life before mobile phones & digital photography, all of our photos required actual cameras and film reels, which you had to load inside the camera carefully or risk destroying (usually through ‘light damage’). You didn’t get any second chances with photos back then: you had no idea what the quality of your shots would be until you collected the printed images (hard copies!) from a developer …which could sometimes take days…] Was warmer today than it’s been since I’ve been here. My skin is really dry too. [Drastically different humidity levels in Sydney, compared to Far North Queensland] Wrote to Monique – about 8 page letter. Too chicken to write to mark; even a short note. Couldn’t think what to write. Maybe I will try. Dunno. It’s 10:15 (9:15 Qld) Mark’d probly be going to $ night tonite. Please, be true to me boy. Don’t get with anyone. You won’t will you??? [Um, where was it written that you two are an item? Deluded! …or to be fair, more like Naive.] Going to Chatswood tomorrow – take back those hoop earrings. Get back my $9.95¢ Late night again.

Thursday 18/12/86

It’s 11:37 (10:37 Qld) we’ve just gotten back from babysitting down the road. Cute kids! Rather well behaved too! Bludged today. I actually WROTE A LETTER TO MARK!!! Met Nicole – Jodie’s friend – a real scream! Played some board games then, before leaving for beach around 1:00, played a nasty trick on Michael – locked up house, left a note & hid the car – thought we’d gone without him! Beach was warm nowhere near as hot as Cairns – water was freezing and bigger waves than in Cairns. [Yes, something to do with Cairns being much closer to the equator, and having a huge ‘barrier’ reef protecting it from ocean swells…] Here’s a guest; [my cousin Jo wrote basically one sentence, which I’m omitting for the sake of her privacy] “Hello diary ….. Lotsa luv Jo xxx” Still missing mates, esp. after writing to Mark. Going to Chatswood tomorrow instead. Will get that card I think [what card? My guess is that I’d found one I’d like to have given to Mark.]

Friday 19/12/86

I got a pair of black shoes! Flat, pointed toe for $40. But, boy, have I some blisters! After the Opera House tonight & town (Chatswood) today, my feet are probly on strike! Opera House was really ‘grand’. The concert/show was rather “bright” – more interesting than I thought it’d be. That’s all I got in Chatswood, though. we caught the bus in today & I heard Lady in Red on the radio. [There was a newly created sentiment attached to this song; if you’d liked to know why, take a look at this post] I miss Mark. I thought at the Xmas show tonight how I’d love to spend all my xmases with him. [Good Gawd… those bloody rose-coloured glasses…] Oh woe! Woe is me! It’s 10:05. I’m hot! Not anything like Cairns tho’. Just hotest I’ve ever been in the night time, down here. Going to Blue mountains tomorrow. Oh dear…. Dunno what to get Jodie, Jules… everyone!!

Saturday 20/12/86

I wrote to Cameron & Sharon today, and sent them too. They’ll probably get them just before Xmas. (leaves them practically no time to reply – as if they will anyway) Did nothing this morning. Slept in to 9:30. Listened to music Went to the Aquatic Centre (Jules didn’t) and saw Neil Brooks from the Mean Machine there. [The Mean Machine were a male Aussie medley swim team who made an unexpected victory at the 1980 Moscow Olympics, essentially because the USA boycotted said Games. All members of the quartet were retired by this time. In the picture (left) Brooks is on the far left with his fist in the air.] Told Jo all about Mark, right from the start – Angie M’s 1st party. Got ready for “Blue Mountains” party. Was boring after all (not that I expected it to be a rage) must relax tomorrow – sleep in late. Thinking a lot about mark when I was telling Jo about him – wondering Wish there was some way for sure that I could find out if he liked me a real real lot. [Pie-in-the-sky stuff, Liss. Oh so much yet to learn…] Julia seems to think so. Oh dear! Is 1:23. Must get good sleep. Black-bags-under-my-eyes DISAPPEAR

Sunday 21/12/86

Smelliest farts. Yukky. Embarrassing. [Uh-huh.] Did nothing today, practically. Woke 9:20. Lazed in bed till 11:00. At lunchtime, listened to music, looked after rabbits all day. [My cousin Jo had pet rabbits. See the (very poor quality) photo (I’d taken with my 80’s camera) on the right. Such cute little things!] Went for a walk to the shop in the arvy – bought ice-cream & a choc. bar. PIGGY. Played board games. Is 10:08 (10:10) Realised this year’s almost over – will be the 11th last time I write in this diary – thats’ something I’ve gotta get – a new diary. And everyone’s prezzies. I haven’t got one single present, for anyone. Will not have time either. STUFF IT SHIT. Hope Mark does reply. I’m “hoping” a lot about him lately. Oh dear; what am I to do? Uncle Peter in crappiest moods. [Could it possibly have anything to do with 4 misbehaving children?] Esp. today with Jodie were all s’posed to go to bed at 9.00 Auntie Hilary got uptight too and said “well we won’t do anything tomorrow then either”. And slammed the door (on mikes’ foot) Better go. Must sleep & wake early. Oh Mark ♥

Holiday Hangs with the Hombres (1-7 December)

Published on December 1, 2014 by Elissa Coxen2 Comments

Monday 1/12/86

Slept like a baby last night. [Here I revert to recording how the rest of my Sunday – the previous day – was spent. Because I had so heavily encroached upon Sunday’s allotted page in the description of what happened at Saturday night’s party (& how I felt about it) there was very little space left for Sunday’s entry.] Mum took moni home, [I am assuming from the exhibition set-up] I grabbed my gear [from her place] and did nothing at home. Cried when I heard “Emotion in Motion” [an obscure single by Ric Ocasek, the lead singer of the band The Cars. Have a listen if you like…] on Take 40. Really sad.

[Back to Monday, the current day:] Today I rushed so much. Went round with mum – got dress (satin-black) material. [My mum made my dress (pictured) that day. In one day. She really could sew, but didn’t believe enough in herself Hmm, wonder who took after her? Or “learnt by example”?] At school of arts, helped set up – went off now & then for “window shopping” – gonna buy these $53 togs in Sportsgirl – gorgeous white with blue stars. Mark snubbed me again (I was really wondering) then fussed around town (Monique & Trina caught their bus – I browsed round till mine came) Rushed at home; so many phonecalls!! Got to exhibition around 7:15. Mark looked really nice! Mum talked to him – Sharon’s fault. [Fault? Not the best choice of words.. I’m fairly sure she was trying to do you a favour] I talked a little to begin with, more after (Esp. after!) Mrs B bought my fat ladies … auntie Ruth’s gonna buy my diptych! That’s $135! After, Sharon, Megan & I (and M & Keith) wanted to go out. I told mum backpacker’s. [“Backpacker’s” was originally a cheap ‘restaurant’ for …backpackers (tourists) but its popularity led to an extended bar license and eventually a nightclub, in the additional downstairs area. It was a popular nightlife venue for many years. My mum allowed me to go out underage, based on a system of Trust: she said she would rather know where I was than have me lie to her. The condition was I always had to tell her where I was and contact her if anything was going to change. So I respected her by staying put at Backpacker’s that night.] .Sharon & Mege. disappeared to Subwayrock. M. & K & me sat in backpackers talking. He loves Lady in Red [by Chris DeBurgh. It became one of my favourites after this night. It’s obvious why, no?] – was sitting so I talked to K. after he was looking at me. Sharon’s going to beach with him & K. tomorrow & crystals on Wed. Nice, huh? [Jealousy] And I paid for practically all the taxi fare home. [Outrageous!] It’s 12:30. Something K. said in backpackers made me wonder again tho’. “When he’s drunk or bored he talks crap – spins shit.” gave an example at one party “”I can see your soul in the moon…”” sounds bloody familiar to me [!!] & I told him. But he said nothing. I don’t think he heard (or pretended not to.) Nite

Tuesday 2/12/86

I’m tired, now. Today, I rang monique to ask about time we go in to look after exhibition sales [all of the CAD kids were ‘rostered’ to caretake the exhibition and manage sales of the works over the period of showing, being school holidays now’n’all…] – she asked me in for a swim. At 11:00 mum dropped me there. After a swim & lunch we went. Cameron, Chris, Glyn and Alan B were there for a little while – Heather & Marj, for longer. Otherwise, we sat from 1:00 to 4:30 – doing nothing. So BORING! But I got my togs! I LOVE THEM! Sharon rang when Mrs P dropped me home (we saw M. coming out of Trobruk Pool) (I was going to ring her [Sharon, that is] anyway) They did go to the beach. Keith, her & Mark. And ‘anyway’ … she asked me if I’d like to go to Crystals tomorrow Mark is inviting the guys – Sharon, the girls. But there’s been no info given tonight, on how we’re getting there etc. oh well. G night!!

Wednesday 3/12/86

After lotsa phone calls, a big panic (or 2), Terry picked me up. There was Mark, Keith, Terry, Glynn, Cameron, Chris & Monique. I didn’t talk to Mark at Crystals, at all. We left early – before lunch cos Terry had to work & we (7) couldn’t fit with Brent, mima, Fi in Brent’s suzuki hatch (they had to work too, anyway) Terry dropped us at Freshy Creek. We bought ‘food’, then monique rang her mum [to collect us?] .. mandy & bill were ‘hailed down’ by Cameron. We piled in – they dropped us near Mark’s place. The guys rode – we ‘sneaked’ bikes off them. At monique’s we swam & mucked around. Glynn left for work, we played badminton Keith left. Chris, Mark, Cameron, Monique & I played more badminton (when M. & I played Mon. & Chris, we flogged ’em! – talked quite a bit – miscellaneous) In the pool, when mum came. I went home, packed, and went to dinner at Aunty Ruth & Nancy’s [my grandmother’s sisters, so actually my great-aunts] – leaving tomorrow. mum drank (all did) so I was late. [I wonder: late because mum drank and didn’t want to leave? Or because she drank, she had to wait to drive? In those days it was hard to tell; drink driving wasn’t quite the huge public concern it is now…] I rang monique’s – I’d forgotten to tell her the guys were coming over for videos – she had none. Mark talked to me! (moni told me he wanted to; asked “can I talk to her?”) I embarrassed them. [So he only wanted to speak to me to scold me?] Anyway finally dragged mum out … [she was] shitty with me [of course: being a spoilt, nagging little brat!]→ [another crossover to the next day…]

Thursday 4/12/86

Mark had ridden home & gotten videos from his house. It was a good night – [the boys] stayed till 2:30 Ate & mucked around – mark was begin nice but a little rough – but I know he didn’t really mean anything. (??) It was good. Slept at 3:00 – woke 11:00. Camille made us brekky – big! (Full!) we lazed in front of T.V. the rest of the day! lazy, lazy, lazy! At about 430, Cameron rang, from Mark’s. They talks to us for ages – monique talked lots; I listened to the music. I’m hopeless on the phone! (monique’s gotten over her phone phobia, I’m sure! She was on it the longest) I was bored – I wish we had 2 [phone] extensions (her, I mean) then we could’ve both been in on what was said. ‘Apparently’, a bit of bad was said about me – none about moni! Anyway, I stayed at monique’s again. Mr. & Mrs P. were out at Innisfail for the night. We got out Real Genius video. Pity we didn’t ring the guys [You sneaky little thing – I know what you were thinking! No parents = ?!?!?] They probably wouldn’t’ve believed us if we said we were having another video night! Got to bed about 11:00 (sleep) overcast day again.

Friday 5/12/86

Today was overcast, too (for most of the day) I woke around 8:30; Camille’s boyfriend Lyndon was at the door – Louis [their dog] barking at him. Monique in the shower. We did ‘nothing’ till about 10:00, when we watched Real Genius again – great movie – god, Val Kilmer’s gorgeous! (So’s Tom Cruise, of course; [yeah, back in the day he wasn’t a Scientology loony etc, so was much more attractive] then again, Mark W comes close tie!) Lyndon dropped Monique & I in town (spotted Mark & them in Tuck High (I mean, High Tuck shop) after searching for material, we walked to school to get our reports But CAD kids’ are getting sent home next week, apparently. We started walking home; Mrs P. drove by & picked us up. At monique’s, helped clean up room, then had a dip in the pool. Monique’s at my place now. We rang Cameron (Mark was there; great!) talked for awhile (monique the most, still!!) Mark is so nice! His voice is so beautiful! They want us to ring ’em back tomorrow! Ace! Sharon’s [birthday] party…!! too! Will probly be another late night tonight.

Saturday 6/12/86

Woke early. But rang the guys back around ?? 10:30. Blabbed [Aussie slang for ‘talking’ in this case, otherwise it means ‘telling on’ or ‘snitching’] for yonks. After we hung up, a phone call from Sharon informed us the party wasn’t on. To cut a long story short, there were lots of phone calls. Finally, we decided Mark, Cam. me & monique would have a ‘video’ night at her place instead of going to the party (which was on, again) or to Cameron’s [??] & for me, Sharon’s BBQ [Monique not invited? I think that was the case]..Went to Perrems about 5:30. Was excited! However, mima called from Sharon’s wanting to know why ‘we’ weren’t there. we said “no transport” “Come with Mark & Terry” [“What?” I’d’ve been thinking…] Rang Mark – he said he was still coming.. Lied so much to sharon Am never gonna do that again. [And I’m not really a great liar anyway. I’m “too honest”.] Anyway, we made the food, the guys came. We started to watch one vid. Mark listened to music. It was like that most of the night; Mark listening to music no matter what we did. Once I looked in the pool – Chris & Glynn were in there. Monique got upset that they ‘gate-crashed’ [a bit miffed about being excluded from the ‘foursome’?] – they went but she rang them back [she’s all heart] (at→ [crossover to Sunday’s page…]

Sunday 7/12/86

Cameron’s) & asked them to come over. Keith also came. they finally left – the Perrems came home. Drank coffee & we mucked round. Finally all went to bed ..Mark wouldn’t give me my pillow. fighting… Mon. got me one – then no room on the lounge – I got my mattress from her room. Mark squished me. . we ‘tickled’ each other while m. & c. slept on couch – for ages – ears, nose, eyebrows, neck, feet and (not much but shit when it was) ribs/waist. See, the thing was, most of it was quite gentle. And we were so close… faces sometimes about 2cm apart!! But “nothing” happened. [No kissing, I would’ve meant..] Still, I don’t mind …it was still very nice!! Woke early – mark got me in the ribs, before ‘rolling over’ Cameron got “hyper” and everyone soon woke. Spent the day in much the same fashion as night, except Mark wasn’t alone so much (at all) we listened to music, swam, ate & even had a trip to the shop – saw elisia – told her they slept over – MISTAKE [see? I’m not ”strategic’ enough to be a great liar!] .. Mrs P. said Brewers & Ennises were altogether at Palm Cove… What if she told mima? Anyway they left 2:30, we slept mum picked me up. Rang Sharon. a little sticky situation – not much. watched “Coolangatta Gold”. What will I do tomorrow, or; all this week? Nothing is planned.

Life is a Creek

Published on August 31, 2014 by Elissa Coxen2 Comments

Life is a Creek. There are countless analogies out there but one of my clients mentioned it last week and it really stuck with me.

You see, I’ve had a pretty interesting few months. For someone who likes to think she “gets it”, who has perfect faith in her spiritual/philosophical belief system, I’ve had one hell of a big Awakening.

It started with a physical ailment; some serious back pain. It’s not like I’ve never had ‘serious back pain’ before: this was different. This didn’t actually involve the disc bulges or neural pinches I’ve typically experienced in the past. No, this was just plain old muscular seizure. My physio was a bit puzzled. My yoga teacher wasn’t.

I was aware enough to recognise it was due to Stress. Work stress. I’d taken on a fourth job… for a variety of reasons, but in all honesty, money was the ‘deep’ motivation. I thought this opportunity might also lead me in a new direction, widen my scope for ‘Success’ because it involved one of my passions.

Suffice to say, I was wrong. I’d had what I thought were rose-coloured glasses on. I’d ‘pushed’ myself under the belief that I was being pro-active, but I came to realise, I was actually being driven by a deep-seated ‘desperation’. As always happens, the awakening came in a series of realisations.

Firstly, on the physical level, I realised the culprit muscles seizing in my back were only doing what they were ‘taught’: in the Past, the physical treatment for my injuries/pain required me to be in a specific postural position for relief, release & recovery. Five or so years of this particular ‘rehab’ position had trained certain muscles to respond (that is, created a new pattern or ‘habit’) to any Stress, by immediately contracting to ‘protect’ that area that I had led myself to believe was inherently weak.

I knew what I had to do; from my philosophical/spiritual point of view (to which neuroscience is now alluding also, incidentally) it was simply Common Sense. My Yoga teacher didn’t really have to tell me. I knew it. And my Physio agreed. I had to Stop. Rest. Meditate. As much as possible. So relaxation/healing meditations were added to my daily routine.

When the root of my Stress was elicited by my acupuncturist (he didn’t actually have to dig it out of me – it seemed to be a case of just being ‘the right time’ for the words to spill out of my mouth) he gave me some more focus for my meditations and breathing that addressed my physical as well as emotional pain. And I practiced.

I had also been reading a book recommended to me by my yoga teacher (even better; she had presented it to me in a pile of books and I had been the one to choose it from the stack… another perfect example of “cosmic timing”) It had taken me awhile to get through because I simply had so much other stuff to attend to, but I had caught glimpses of clarity as I worked my way through it.

The kicker came towards the end of the book.

Dammit, I know this stuff. I’ve read heaps of ‘new age’ literature and it all makes perfect sense to me. How could I not have seen this and more importantly lived it until now?

The author – himself a yogi – wrote of his own ‘Illumination’ and his three simple words struck a huge chord with me.

“I don’t know.”

What? This:

My whole life has been plagued by these words, with respect to ‘Purpose’. What Am I Here For?

I have struggled with this forever. It’s the deepest source of my Depression.

Describing the weight that lifted from him when he spoke those words out loud to no one in particular, and moreover, the revelation that it didn’t matter – none of it mattered – Blew. Me. Away. Forget the light bulb, I had a hundred floodlights in my face.

The source of my deepest struggle instantly dried up.

I always knew I was the master of my life: heck, I have read enough to know that. But to strike at the heart of one of your most dominant Concerns is totally liberating.

I can fully practice what I have learnt now. In one fell swoop, my Fear of the Future has gone.

So now I’m focusing on being a Leaf.

As my client put it, if Life is a creek and we are all fallen leaves being freely carried by its running waters, we are bound to be washed up against debris, pooled & eddied. Most of us get stuck: trying to fight, resist or control. What leaf ever moved a rock or fallen tree trunk out of its path? These struggles and challenges are an absolute and unavoidable part of Life. I’m ready to let go of resistance, to let the waters carry me where I’m meant to go.

I am finally ready to really Trust.

I have found renewed Faith. And god, it feels amazing!