My Golf Debut, A Soccer Cork & People Smuggling (7-13 December)

Monday 7/12/87

It arrived today: a letter (8 pgs) from Mark. I was woken at 8:30 – a call from Cameron about golf . . I got ready & waited: didn’t even hear the postman go past – but checked around 9:20. It made me angry, most of it (all I could think of was [privacy omission] & his lie to me) Mima came. A Life in WordsAt Yorkey’s Knob (finally – around 10:30) golf was hot, but great fun. I got better as I progressed. [I’d hope so: from memory it took me 25 shots to reach the first hole. Classic! One of the boys actually made a hole in one later on.] Mark R was there (I didn’t recognise him – mima had to tell me. Wonder if he still likes me?) we only did one round (9 holes) then ate and went to mima’s. A quick dip in the pool, before had to leave. . Took Glyn & Cameron home before me. Wanna go to the beach tomorrow. Will ring her after 9:30 Forgot to ring Jo at all. Umah. [Privacy omission] confessed it was Fiona she was annoyed with on Sat. nite. God my excretory system has been [w]reaking havoc with me lately. [I’m surprised I didn’t go into more detail…] Got blisters today from my high cuts (gym boots) Played golf in socks mostly!! Wrote back to Mark tonite only 4 pages (rushed & messy at the end) will send as soon as possible. Mentioned I wanted to talk to him etc . . .

Tuesday 8/12/87

Guess what? I arise around 9:00, and the postie still hasn’t been (not that I’m expecting anything) he comes at 9:15-9:30 & we [my sister and I, I assume] race to the letterbox. Lo & behold, there’s another letter from Mark. It was better. the things he wrote sounded more sincere – yesterday’s sounded false & forced: like a boring chore. So anyway Fi & I went to town around 11:00 (11:30) (I’d begun to write back this morning – mum’d already sent last nite’s – nicer than the retaliatory one I’d written↑) [in my diary this arrow pointed back up towards the phrase “last nite’s” …so, in a confusing way, I was saying that the second letter I’d begun to writing was nicer than the first (‘retaliatory’) one I’d scribbled ‘last night’ …which, thanks to mum’s efficiency, was already on its way to him.] Initially looking for clothes & presents, we ended up scouring every clothes shop, handbag shop, shoe shop, leather shop, art shop, looking for a “purse-on-a-string” (had to be black leather too) for Fiona. Not only in town: Earlville & KMart too. Eventually bought a black purse in D.J’s & black leather thonging (for a strap.) A Life in WordsHome just after 5:00, I finished writing to Mark. Was so tired. Watched TV. So hot now. Am so sore from golf- my arms & upper torso muscles aching! (Blisters on feet & sore legs from all the walking today too.) NITE!!

Wednesday 9/12/87

Very bad sleep.. woke up occaisionally : but had to get up just before 6:00 -the headache was so bad. (Worse lying down) Complained to mum- took 2 tablets [painkillers, most likely paracetamol] – read the paper, but had to go back to bed- & fell asleep. Woke around 8:30-9 all better. I think it’s the heat : got it on & off all day as we went in aircond. to outside heat (temp. extremes) [Hmm, my guess now would be more dehydration than ‘heat stroke’… I never (very rarely) drank water back then *grimace*] Didn’t do photos . . no time (bumming around KMart Earlville & town.) Got the neg’s [negatives] tho’ from the dark room (to sort through & pick out what’s wanted) when Fi got her report card. Swim (& cleaned the car) at mima’s ..then indoor soccer. I played in the warm up/practise game – fun tho’ I had no shoes on – sore feet & I got kneed in the thigh (hurty!) went briefly to KFC, before picking up Sue. [Outside the drive-in] I got in the [car] boot (shit scared) & they hid her [under a blanket or doona I think. Smuggling people in to the drive in was relatively common devious practice apparently but this was my first time.] . . so we paid for 3 but got 5 in .. & we even won the 2 comp. tickets! (Ha, ha!) Lethal Weapon & Lost Boys (both AGAIN!) are excellent Am so dead!

Thursday 10/12/87

Well, I got up around 8:30 – later than usual (earlier, I mean) and I started to sort through the big carton of “stuff”. […the carton I collected from the school dark room yesterday, that I thought only contained negatives…] Only a small portion was negatives, but they took ages to get thru’? Then I looked through the rest of the box: old photos (’75, ’74, ’73 & ’72 .. some teachers were students then!! Mr Gross. looked so young in some!) & 1983 Euroka layout. [I’m not sure exactly why I wanted these negatives in the first place… I think it may have been to collect as many memories of my two years at Cairns High as possible – to print off pictures that I may never otherwise possess – nor even see – again.] After that, it was mid-afternoon & I bludged the rest of the day. Jo rang (both confessed we were nervous to contact each other in case were angry with each other!) […I definitely had been unhappy with her in the previous week…] & I asked her to (inconspicuously) find out if  Mark’s written to ‘Niccy’ yet. Went late night with mima, brent & fi for a very short time, then back at Mike & Cynthia’s to mind Dougie & Thomas. I tried to sleep after MOONLIGHTING. A Life in WordsThey came home after Dallas- was dying to get home. On arrival noticed one french door was slightly ajar: shit ourselves. Luckily no one had entered [….so I’m assuming we had left it open by mistake?]

Friday 11/12/87

Well, we went in to do the photos & Ms. Marsland informs me that the whole school will be locked up at noon. So we decided against even starting the developing left everything in the dark room: ready for next year, then went into town. (Saw Mr. Gross. & the year 8 & 9 concert!!) stayed in town shortly – op shopping for mima’s trench coat for Europe. Then Fi got the car & we went to the Esplanade -had pizza & milkshakes. Took the video ONE CRAZY SUMMER out & watched it at Fi’s (she had to work). [That seems a bit odd…watching a video at your friend’s house when she’s not even home?] Then at 3:30 Mum, Julia & I went (back) into town to do xmas shopping. Got all Larcombes prezzies. I have to buy: Mark, Mima, Fi, Jo, Cameron, Mum, Julia & Dad. shit! I have no money! Anyway, home around 6:30, watched TV. Rang Deanne. Rang Fi She rang back “Yeah, we’ll go for a little while.” [go where?] .. I get mostly ready and she rings back – “a change of plan”. . . so I watched the (absolutely) PATHETIC movie “Great American Traffic Jam”. SUCKS severely. [Pretty much spot on there… I watched the YouTube trailer (below) whilst looking for an image and OMG it IS pretty bad. If you’re curious enough, waste three minutes of your life checking it out!]

I hate thinking about Nicole & Mark. I hate Nicole & I hate thinking about MW [Wow, such vitriol. I actually refuse to use the word ‘hate’ at all now, but then I usually don’t feel such intense negativity anymore…]

Saturday 12/12/87

It’s 2:30 (am) I’m in a very “bland” mood today, I went to work in the morning – for about 2-3 hours (did little work but got $10 for it) then at home, I did artwork all arvy (waste!) [How is it a waste if you don’t have anything else pressing? I wish I could make myself create something now; I literally haven’t produced any fine art in decades…] Sharon actually rang me: but she never rang back so we didn’t take. her to the party. Fiona, Sue & Jemima came around 8:30, or later (Fi & mima went back to get Fi’s shirt for me). The party was just slowly moving when we got here (lotsa people: no action) we went to the drivein bottleshop & I was left out. A Life in WordsI could sense a [privacy omission] togetherness practically as soon as they picked me up. [So got casks of ½ & ½ with Colleen, Lisa & [privacy omission] Didn’t [have] any affect at all. I was rather depressed. Jim C. was there with someone, Jeff M of course I didn’t talk to anyway, and … Stewart. God I want him. [The grass is always greener?] It made me depressed overall. We never said a word – but we both knew we were there. […were both aware of one another’s presences…] I got a mass depression (with Jude, Juliet, Colleen, Anna etc..) [Hmm, that’s interesting. Did I mean that my depression deepened being around these people …or were we all depressed together?!] Party broke up round midnight

Sunday 13/12/87

→but we stayed & mucked around. Liam & Aaron (K) are so funny! Woke around 9:00 (yep, that exactly, actually: mum woke me demanding to know whether or not I was going to do any pictures to sell at the Freshwater markets .. I said (grumpily) “NO!”) [Partly being rebellious, but mostly lazy. This is anecdote elicits a little melancholy because it reminds me how much mum believed in me, in my artistic talent. But the problem is, I didn’t – because I compared myself to others (something I still struggle with in some ways now). I even remember her suggesting I try to draw again a few years before she passed, when I was experiencing ‘purposelessness’ during a bout of depression.] So, I bludged the morning till 11:00 when I rang Jo. I got to her place before 12:00 and we watched the TV matinee movies .. Finally went to Palm Cove around 3:00 (2:30) Bludged – watching guys (bad weather Barely anyone there) then we shut up shop. . .went & had a cocktail at Ramada ..really relaxed me. And I went for a drive A Life in Words[even if there was a law relating to alcohol consumption for ‘learner drivers’ (these days there is zero tolerance) we clearly knew nothing of, nor cared about, drink- driving…] (laughed so much) then, stopped at Smithfield on way back . . Stewart didn’t look at me – say anything except goodbye. God, it hurts It’s not fair. Why can’t he fall for me? [Because… that’s life.] Solve all my problems about Mark. [Oh this naivety is just plain embarrassing!] Jo dropped me home round 7:15. Watched TV all night (Mum next door at Fishers again … drunk . . then sick .. then grumpy) as usual […um, the “as usual” makes it sound like she was a regular drinker but she most definitely wasn’t. What I meant was that when she did drink (she didn’t need much at all) she was almost always sick… sick “as usual”… and the grumpy part? Well… isn’t everyone unhappy when they’ve vomitted?!]

Transgression & Reunion: the Final Week of School (16-22 November)

Monday 16/11/87

I’m not feeling overly happy. And it’s got nothing to do with the fact that I failed my maths, for sure .. it’s to do with mark. [Surprise surprise] It doesn’t bother me [hang on, have I just back-flipped here?] -I’m not sure if it’s really my problem- but there’s some slight depression, unhappiness, melancholy, hanging over me. I don’t know what or how. I can’t explain. Maybe it’s just a “down” period. [Alcohol is classed as a depressant drug, just sayin’. And with hormones naturally surging through your teenaged body, the combined result’s not going to be rosy…] Apparently (I didn’t talk to Mark today only saw him briefly, twice, but he rang me) [privacy omission] thought he’d given me the lovebites and she’d said “Bastard” or something like that. I feel good, but not really -it’s not reassuring enough- I still must talk to him. A Life in WordsI couldn’t tonight – we were getting on so well (on the phone) and he’d said (when I tried to give him shit about [her]) “it’s terrible, isn’t it?” when I said about [her] calling him a bastard. I HATE IT. It hurts me. [Because I interpreted it as him discounting MY feelings. But reading this back now, it seems equally possible that he may have been disregarding her (alleged) response, in order to hearten me. Again, who knows?] I need to let him know: fast. Oh, why me? I feel so down. Got my Euroka [our school magazine/yearbook] not as good as last year’s. May have passed my chem prac. (probly not with my luck) Not at all worried about chem exam- I don’t care. Is 10:00 now – will probly be up a while yet.

Tuesday 17/11/87

WOW. It’s 11:30- I’d wanted an early nite – in preparation for 2morrow. Oh well. I wrote to Lucy & actually, to all the tertiary institutions, that I needed to, so it’s all out of the way, finally!! (Post it all tomorrow) Ugh! What a day! Woke – went to psycologist -she was nice- talked to my ♥’s content – she feels (& I know) it [the accident] has benefitted me – the trauma made me much stronger – self-determined etc. more will & potential to succeed now than I ever would’ve had before [hmm, except academically…] (& the break-up with Mark helped too) So, at home after, didn’t feel like studying anymore[!]– chem exam a big ha, ha. (tho’ I think I shall be better than maths!) Home after Glyn & Cameron popped around ..Glyn saw my [contraceptive] pills (great – I’ll never hear the end of it) Fi’s ringing me back 2 morrow to finalize plans for 2morrow. I rang mark but was at Keith’s watching a video (my guess is [privacy omission]‘s muff) anyway- he rang me – it was almost 10:00, I think! short phone call. Oh god I’m tired. 2morrow nite – I can’t wait!

Wednesday 18/11/87

Well, I woke up to Fi’s phonecall, around 8:00 – I was DEAD! And we were in town around 8:45/9:00. A Life in WordsWe looked around after buying photographic paper, then walked to Fi’s shop to get the car. I failed my learners: one question wrong (because I’d studied from an old book – they’d changed the rule) [I can’t for the life of me remember what that changed rule was] Didn’t see mark at all today. Nor Jo. I couldn’t find a damn thing to wear to the Valedictory Dinner (we picked mima up after her exam-bought her flowers!!) in town, let alone out tonite. Went over to see Cynthia (Fi dropped me there) Had Kentucky Fried for tea; had to rush at home, to get to mima’s (I got a skirt to wear) At Scandals, I had a Kahlua & milk + 2 banana dacquiris – at Croc. Rock, barely talked to Mark, to start with. Had one explosion [the super-toxic, flaming cocktail to which I’d become partial] with Cameron, then another with Mark (his first) we ended up talking (he was quite drunk) alone for ages – about us. I can’t remember everything [he said] & what I do, I don’t have room for!! Was good – he said I turn him on the most all the others were substitutes – he’d put off & put off getting with them. We didn’t get together cause he didn’t want people saying he did it cause he was drunk- respects me too much. Fi came up & told me

Thursday 19/11/87

→we were leaving- he & she talked & when driving me home, she said he said “there’s only one person I love more than you- (that’s elissa)” so, I woke 7:30 – very dead. The art test was boring – not really very easy – just basic (difference!) [Wow. Did I really get on the piss heavily the night before an exam? I never realised I was so badass…] After, I missed mark, but waited round the school area for most of the afternoon (well, a bit: went to Fi’s [parents’] shop & I lay down out the back, trying to get some sleep for tonite (from last nite!)) Jason took me home… I ended up not resting there ..had to rush to get ready for the movies. A Life in WordsLIVING DAYLIGHTS was cool. (Jay drove mima & I there) We walked to Esplanade after (saw Steven at International Hostel [a guy I’d pashed a few weeks back] – he ‘giggled’ mima said) then drove to the school. Mark & Chris were drinking first – it was a mess – it was stupid – idiot K. was throwing furniture etc. Not many there. [It’s pretty much an unwritten seniors’ tradition to ‘prank’ the school for their final day… I’d envisaged organised decoration (the OCD in me) so was pretty disappointed to find a bunch of somewhat aggressive drunk guys just making a huge mess.] Then the guys went for a swim [breaking into the school’s pool enclosure] & threw a bin [full] of water at me (Keith) & the guys all hit into him) [I think I was wearing a white top so was more concerned with modesty than the fact that I was actually sopping wet] then there was a cry of Police. I don’t know why, but some people ran, & [privacy omission] & I did too-straight into the “arms” of the police (juvenile aid) lectured us – searched bags. And took my & [privacy omission]‘s names, addresses, ages etc. WHY US? […I have wondered about this and the simplest conclusion I could come to was that we were the only two girls …and maybe from a (still gender-biased point of view) they were more concerned with our safety, amongst a group of boys …if you catch my drift? But I am purely speculating…] We were going to leave, but went back. [Privacy omission] left with Jay & I rang mum to say I was staying at Mark’s. (told her about that & she seemed OK) so we hung round for ages, till Sandra P came & Chris, Mark & I got a lift to Greenslopes & Pease → walked so far then→

Friday 20/11/87

A Life in Words
Hangin’ in town on the last day of school

→stopped & talked .. about the accident a lot. Ended up sitting down on the road, but in the bike lane part. Talking & saw headlights. I said “he’s going to turn” but he didn’t indicate & looked like he was going straight ahead till he was 3m away- turned really quickly & slammed on brakes -stopping just before hitting us- the Police! (Great – twice in one nite) [you little dissident, you!] They said there’d been a break & enter 2 mins away- told us off & told us to clear out. We walked away & stood shaking .. we’d just been talking about the accident and we nearly got run down by a cop car!!! [yes, I see the irony in that] At Mark’s we mucked around, then got down to business .. then got 1-2 hrs sleep .. and made love again in the morning. He said [privacy omission, even though they were nice things]. So mum picked us (& Chris) up (I got changed first of course) & at school, got photos – bummed round doing nothing in particular. Mark & a whole heap of guys went to Crystals. We ended up Megan, Fi, Jo & I going driving around town (& Saints) I got a big white Tshirt & white skirt from Kaffa, for the Valedictory Dinner. At home I rushed to get ready -got to Marks & went to the DDIAE talks. [….an information session I assume, for one of the tertiary institutions to which I had applied] BORING. The Valedictory Dinner I spent nearly all my time with mima & Fi. Hardly with Mark. He left earlier than I. It made me depressed- it was a massive anti-climax. [I neglected to include the ‘award’ I received – in conjunction with Mark – at the dinner. The photo below will forever remind me of it. Basically, thanks to a couple of large & very obvious hickies Mark had given me at different times throughout the year, I was presented with a can of Aeroguard insect repellant to protect myself  from big mosquitoes (like Mark) in the future. We were both called up for the presentation but poor Mark was left standing there to dwell in his jovial embarrassment empty-handed.] So that, at Brett’s party (seeing there was barely anyone there

A Life in Words
That’s me walking off to the left – slightly embarrassed – with my Aeroguard insect repellant trophy.

Saturday 21/11/87

→anyway, I did not feel like partying (no drink or anything) I felt like a joint -but that made me angrier -waited ages for it, then didn’t get any. FUCKED! I walked back in, myself really pissed off & [privacy omission] outside said Mark went to Freshy school looking for me. I found him.. and the effect of beer bongs hit him (hard) We lay down on the grass & he was deliriously mumbling; I finally dragged him to my place, seeing Chris (& Jo for the first time that nite) on the way- telling them to tell Fi I couldn’t stay. Mark was really stuffed. That was about 1:30. Woken 8:00, he left around 9:10- [privacy omission] I rang mima & Fi & her picked me up- got KFC (Kentucky) ate at Esplanade. At the shop I helped Fi (her mum was sick – mima at hair show practise) till Martin & Mr D came rang Mark at home, then went virtually straight away to his place. Mucked around – Keith came over – we went for a drive to the beach (Trinity) & ate pizza. Picked up my clothes on the way back to Mark’s. Mucked around 4 ages … went to Chris’s late .. swam, drank gin & tarina (!) Then Glyn rang said there was a party (Peta W’s – Jo was there – she’d rung (and told me she was going) at Mark’s) Cameron came (Mark & I rode quickly & got dressed)→

Sunday 22/11/87

→ And we got a cab. Cameron & I got out .. Mark, Chris & Glyn further up.. they ran the cab, and, sure enough, it came back to us. So stupid. [Yep. And since lying is not my forte, the cabbie’s interrogation wasn’t fun for me. We pretended we were just cab-sharing with the other guys and didn’t know them very well. When pressed for any names, the best I could come up with was John Smith. Yep, duh. And Cameron sure didn’t let me live that down, either…] We found them, then Aumuller St ..saw Brendan L & he said it was DEAD. So we walked to Draper St (Samanda C’s) Party .. small party it was & everyone was being told to leave once we got there. Were desperate for a cab lift home – finally got one with Trevor G to chris’s. Mark & I walked to his place & after a shower- bombed. No sex. In the morning I woke 8:45- he woke around 10:00 to the phone. Mucked around right up until noon, I think (yeah, beautiful LM) [←my semi-modest abbreviation for ‘love making’] Bacon & scrambled eggs brekky, wasted time then he dropped me home. Mum, Julia, & 2nd cous. Lyn came home & I rang Jo, then we went to the beaches (at Clifton I looked for Phillip’s place- NO hope! [privacy omission]) At home before 4:00, waited. (filling in diary from past 4 days/5 days) rang Fi waited. At 7:30 I rang him. Said he thought I was meant to ring him (said he was gonna ring me anyway) writing a big letter -prob. is don’t have enough time to make it really big : only 4 pages so far & I’d wanted to write over 32 (novel size!!) [He was about to go overseas on a family holiday and I’d decided to write him a huge letter – yep, like a novel – for something to do …but also, to keep him thinking of me. Oh the things we do…] A Life in WordsMovie was good. But I’m so dead!! [How dead? Apparently 4 underlines worth – see pic]

Mood Swings, Errant Incisors & The Jody Keen Memorial Trophy (31 August-6 September)

Monday 31/8/87

Well it’s 10:30: I have only ½ my english assignment done (if I don’t hand it in before school tomorrow I get 0/20) and I have ASAT (Australian Scholastic Aptitude test) tomorrow, which I haven’t even looked at the booklet, for. [See this post from a fortnight ago if you want a little more detail about the ASAT] Great, huh? I really felt conscious today about my schoolwork .. I’m going to work harder to get everything right for my exams – maths, chem & biol. next week. [Yeah yeah, heard it all before…] MUST do well. Got my art mark Got 16/20- I was disappointed: a few people got 20’s -about 5. But I made her [my teacher] ‘up’ my mark by one, so I’m a V.H now, at least. [Well …that’s interesting. I don’t remember that, and can’t believe I was that …”assertive”. Some assertiveness in other areas of my life would’ve been helpful…] God, I’m tired & I know I’ll stuff up the ASAT tests. SHIT. I won’t even get my english assignment done. God help me. I barely talked to Mark at all today. He’s really getting me down – he is so bored with me & that really does nothing for my ego. A Life in Words[And I was way too young to realise that Ego IS the problem…] Wrote a letter – not sure if I’ll send it yet. I’ll get Fi to read over it & tell me if it’d make him react wrongly (ie: MAD) [LOL, a ‘wrong reaction’?!] mucked around in biol. though I actually was a bit more bold & felt really relaxed around him. could tell he was still bored with me tho’. Please change back Mark – be romantic again. [Wanting or expecting someone (anyone!) to Change = nothing but Pain]

Tuesday 1/9/87

I arrived later than usual trying to get my english done (I didn’t) went up to do ASAT tests . . were hard, generally, although some parts were easier than others. . at little lunch I left straight away: finished my assignment at home then went to see the orthopaedic surgeon (Dr Bottoms) he talked a lot went in late, of course; came out around 1:35. . […and the result was? I can’t recall, or even guess, whether this appointment was actually for my personal ‘benefit’ or related to the building of my Third Party compensation claim from the bus accident…] got back to school near start of 6th period. Boring in art; did little in chemistry (Cameron distracting me a lot) after school, I went up to talk to Mark, for the first time of the day: “What’s wrong?” I said cheerfully. No answer “OK” I said & sat next to him. He said “Don’t ever say that to me again.” I was just shocked. “What?” “What’s wrong?” I sat really bewildered & depressed & upset – I moved over to Fi & tears sprang up. What the fuck had I done wrong? I was very upset. At home rang Fi – she said ring him – wasn’t home, so rang me back – seemed cheerful enough – said “I just hate people saying that – giving me sympathy when I don’t need or want it.” SHIT. OK. I fucking got the message. A Life in WordsWrote another letter -told him about them & I’ll let him read them tomorrow

Wednesday 2/9/87

Fucked up day. Pissed off cause stupid bitch wouldn’t let me go for my learners cos I only had I.D. no birth certificate. Then I went to courthouse to get it & found out I have to send away to Brisbane (will take ages) then I get home this arvy & mum finds out I’ve got it after all. & tonight I’m really shitty about my teeth The fucking gap is growing bigger, still. soon it’s going to be just the same as it was – fucking mile wide. [For those who haven’t been following my ‘story’, I’d grown up with an impressive sized gap between my teeth – as well as a decent overbite – which I hated (see my post Welcome to My Life for more detail & a picture) but had to wait until I was about fourteen to receive the quite complex & lengthy corrective (orthodontic) treatment I desperately desired. Once I was permitted to ditch the final piece of oral apparatus – my plate – I didn’t realise the stubborn gap would slowly, sneakily open up again. It certainly didn’t return to its original size, and I don’t recall being overly conscious of it, but years later I finally discovered the cause: my ‘frenum’ – the tissue connecting my top lip to my gum – was so thick and large that it forced my teeth to separate again. A Life in Words(My sister had the same problem: thanks for those genes, mum and/or dad!) Needless to say, my dentist at the time performed a ‘frenectomy’ (ASAP!) to remove the offending tissue and my incisors slowly shifted toward each other again. Yay!] ASAT finished thank god. Saw Mark’s photo’s from (before) the formal. He got my letters but hasn’t read them yet. Bet he did tonight & I’ll bet he’s shitty tomorrow or something. [That’s positive thinking!] He’ll probably say “stuff you bitch – I won’t go out with you anymore then.” PISS OFF. I’m in the worst mood. [No?!] He was rather nice today tho’. Made an effort, kind of (Are you sure you didn’t already read those letters??) Wierd. Hot weather – but still cool at nights & in early morning (to about 9:00) Don’t be angry Mark – I love you too much. [Illogical reasoning! The act of loving someone bears little influence on their moods.]

Thursday 3/9/87

Well we had a parade this morning – Mr McKenzie received a certificate for the crash (or something) [I can’t recall this, but I am certain it would have been for his amazing conduct, leadership & compassion during and after the bus accident] and, Mark seemed O.K. today. He gave me the formal photos from his dad’s camera. This arvy I got upset a bit because he resorted to the usual “I don’t like you & I’m never going to talk to you again…” routine I’m sick of it [again; you DO have a  choice…].. and I hate, detest hearing it from him. Jesus. My english exam I found pretty easy- I know I’ll pass, but don’t know how “well” I’ll do. My appointment with Ms Forbes [our school counsellor] was a waste: she was busy so I had to see that guy Mr Inskip & I forgot all my material anyway so it was a waste. […of time. And we know how much I hate ‘Waste’…] A Life in WordsI was rude, I think – it was so tired. Finally finished copying out M’s & C’s letters. [Mark gave me these to read the week before. I must’ve found them so entertaining that I wanted to make copies. Go back to Thursday’s entry in my previous post if you want to know a bit more about them.] It’s 10:37. I’m dead! Wonder if Mark’ll talk to me tomorrow. God that hurts. I’m so sorry I’m a sook.

Friday 4/9/87

A Life in Words
Jody at our leadership camp, just a few hours before the bus crash that took his life.

Well, we talked a bit, but after school we had a big talk. It lasted about 45 mins and, had I not been out picking Julia & Cherie up from the movies, and doing quick grocery shopping with mum, he would’ve rung & we would’ve talked more. He doesn’t know what to do about our relationship: he, oh, I don’t know (either does he) [hmmm, I’m not sure about that…] Boring day. My appointment was another waste of time today – Mr Inskip hopeless. Did QTAC forms this morning period one (the day’s timetable was totally rearranged) [The Queensland Tertiary Admissions Centre (QTAC) is the organisation that manages student course applications for pretty much all tertiary education centres in the state. You can imagine it’d be a pretty complex task…] God I’m tired. We lost the Rugby Union Final. Brothers (Saints) defeated us 14-4 & took the (new) Jody Keen Memorial Trophy. [Jody being one of our fellows killed in the bus crash. I remember feeling a bit disappointed that our CHS union team failed to claim a trophy dedicated to one of its own students, in its premier year.] P.N. spent lunch CH M,M!!! Said Hi this arv. too! [Crush, much?] Need to get to sleep soon: mima & fi & I going to town tomorrow, then Mark’ll ring or visit (he left a message on machine tonite). We’ll do something tomorrow night (He & Keith are moving into David’s (Keith’s brother’s) house for 2 weeks while he’s away) → (has no phone on) we still need to talk a lot.

Saturday 5/9/87

I slept very badly last night (Waking frequently) Woke around 7:00 this morning unable to fall asleep again, I got up. Around 8:45 mima & fi picked me up- we went to Earlville first (PN not work.) then into town.. not really exciting, but a good way to start off the weekend; just wish I had money to buy some clothes. At home, did chem, as well as resting a bit. Mark & Keith came around 3:00, we went for a drive (hockey fields) took Glyn (B.) home & then me. Jo rang tonite, after Mark; they came around 8:30 & we went to the House on the Hill. EMPTY!! Glyn came down; she had to be home by 10:00- Mark drove her. (Played pretty cool music, towards 11:00) When he came back ($ drinks) sat in Smithy’s till 11:45. (Mark was being really nice – that stuff I said about romance & chivalry might’ve got thru’ to him, because he was so sweet .. and I laughed a lot- couldn’t help smiling – even tho’ we didn’t dance (much), it was probly one of the best nights, up there .. music & Mark – the way he was!) Picked Glyn up [continued next page:]

Sunday 6/9/87

→again and back at David’s, we tried (supposedly) to sleep, but mucked around. I could never get bored with the ‘foreplay’ Glyn left around 3:00 – came in, & let us know she was going (!!!) […hmmm…] Slept – so tired. I woke around 6:00. . couldn’t sleep again for a while (wanted M. to wake but he wouldn’t) so eventually I dozed off. around 9:00 we were both wide awake & mucking around again. Keith “chucked a fit” around 10:00 (“Get up – make a move”) A Lfe in WordsAfter one crumpet, they took me home, where I dozed & slept till about 2:00 . . Mark rang, mid afternoon – sweet! I was surprised he rang “for no reason” – just to talk. And that we did (not a long phone call- I don’t like long calls anymore after that arguement he had with his folks that time) so I did chem. before going to dad’s. [Aha… Father’s Day] We sat for ¾hr waiting before going home again (where I tried to do maths) He rang about 8:30- said he only just got home. Too bad – he’s coming ‘fore school 2morrow to get his prezzy. It’s almost 10:00 now, I must get some more sleep!!! I ♥ MARK.

Ringing Ears, Ticklish Spots & Roses for Monique (24-30 August)

A Life in WordsMonday 24/8/87

It’s 10:50. INXS was cool! I had a really great time despite the lack of people I knew [Why do you have to know heaps of people at a concert? Aren’t you just there to enjoy the music? No; in case you hadn’t previously gathered, I preferred social events to involve lots of people, and particularly ones I knew, because I’m innately shy. Another fact, which no one seems to believe…] .. Jo came, tho (late, but) Sharon, Sandie & Donna were there – Sandie hung around Jules & I. It really was a cool rage!! Now my ears are ringing bad & I’ll never wake up in the morning!!  The drummer [Jon Farriss] looked so much like Mark – was unbelievable. Sometimes he didn’t, but lotsa times he did!! [And it wasn’t just ‘infatuated little me’ that thought so: my friend Jo agreed wholeheartedly.] Speaking of whom – we got on pretty well today, considering. […considering the way things had been between us for the previous 3-4 weeks…] (I’m into running writing at the moment) [This comment isn’t so random in context. Basically, I wrote this entry (and the next 3 days) in my diary in ‘running writing’ – the Aussie term for longhand or cursive script. I considered including a snapshot of it but it’s not terribly attractive (neat!)] Talked a bit (at big lunch I was in A block room for careers meeting – not many people in the group turned up – including Mark.) No HW done again (To be expected) Mark’s really bored with life- wants to move out of home- live in Keith’s caravan by himself. Oh dear. Must get to sleep! Nite!!

Tuesday 25/8/87

OK day. not great; rather hot in the afternoon. Got on rather well with Mark today – talked a bit more than usual (or at least hung around him more) we’re going to movies Saturday night. Boring day actually – nothing worth noting. Hung around cameron a bit too, today. (Lunchtime) Jeez, I’m into running writing lately (it’s messy- but, well, I don’t know why I like it!) [….and it takes up a lot more space. It’s just as well I didn’t have much to say: check out how ‘short’ this entry is …thanks to my big, clumsy longhand writing.] It’s 9:00 – need an early night cause school dance tomorrow night. My ears were still ringing this morning. Had a parade in the new covered area, tho’ its still officially out of bounds. [Still technically a construction site, I guess?] God I’m tired. Hope someone goes tomorrow night (the guys are – I know that) [Someone WHO? It doesn’t sound like I was referring to Mark because I’m quite sure I’d include him in ‘the guys’…] Justine visited this arvy – she’s got a bad habit of talking all about herself !!! […..ummm…..?!]

Wednesday 26/8/87

O.K. day again. I talked a bit more to Mark, tho’ I saw him less- pretty affectionate (compared to what we’ve been over the past 2 weeks (or 3??)) at the dance (which was piss-poor for an open [meaning open to students from other schools] dance) Went in this arvy & bought 12 red roses (for delivery to Perrems tomorrow) [it would have been Monique’s 17th birthday] + another 3 to put under the [memorial] tree at school. + at home, we rang Cairns Post & placed the ad in (I’ll cut it out & stick it in) [Because the lyrics resonated with me, Chrissie Hynde’s track ‘Hymn to Her’ became one of my anthems for Monique after her death and since they were so apt, I chose them for her birthday message. See Thursday’s entry (below) for the news clipping.] It’s 11:45 & I’m not even tired. So hot for summer. At soccer, our teacher wasn’t there, so we mucked around playing silly games (fun!) The walk was long & hot & boring! I’ll be glad of the sleep tonight. Did no HW again – so rushed! Tomorrow I’ll have to go late nite to get mima’s present + I have an english assignment + a textiles minor [assignment for art] due Friday. SHIT! So tired, now.

A Life in Words
My birthday message for Monique, followed by Mima’s and one by Elizabeth, the Year 9 student whose own sadness made me tear up.

Thursday 27/8/87  monique’s birthday

I almost forgot the roses: we had to turn around at Stratford & go home to get them- there were lots of flowers under the [bus crash memorial] tree by the end of the day: (& notes) I cried a bit in the morning – then Elizabeth (Gr 9.) made my eyes water when she came up to me after big lunch (crying) I sang Happy Birthday to her 3 times. Mark (& quite a few others) didn’t know it was her birthday. I went into town at big lunch & got Jemima’s present – 2 charms. (Barely saw Mark today- but he gave me Cameron’s & his silly letters & stories – I read them this arvy) [These guys had very vivid imaginations and interesting senses of humour so these made for entertaining reading…] Got started on my art tonight (the printing material was excellent but) – I stuffed up the sewing: total waste – so I didn’t even start my english- will miss double english 2morrow – going for 3rd period on – give me time to do my bag [for art] & make mima a card etc. Mr & Mrs Perrem rang tonite – thanking me for the flowers & message in the paper. (mima put one in too) [Aunties came 4 tea] [This little sentence was fully bordered: an impossible thing to reproduce in here in print…] Auntie Ruth bought my old diptych from the art exhibition last year – $80!!!

Friday 28/8/87

A Life in Words
All ‘cosied up’ at mima’s birthday sleepover party

MIMA’S B’DAY Well I missed not only double english, but also 3rd & little lunch. Got the bag sewn roughly together then Mrs Marsland said she wasn’t looking at the stitchery anyway. So by the time I talked to Mark it was big lunch & he barely spoke at all. I saw him barely at all. He seemed to be not talking only to me. So I spent nearly all the day with mima & fi & the Yr 11girls (& Jo) Mima’s cake was yummy. I went with Fi to her shop after school & we had to wait till 5:20 before Martin brought the car back, then trying to find Thorstein’s place, we got to Rugby Union around 5:45 (started at 5:00) Mark hurt his knee – but talked a little more to me. At home I got ready [for Mima’s birthday party] & made a card. The party was quite good, indeed! Quite a few people turned up! […including a number of fellas I found attractive!] Philip (N), Glyn & Thorstein found my ticklish spots 2 [‘too’, not literally ‘two’. There’s definitely more than two!] that was unreal [I’ll bet! And you’d’ve absolutely cherished the attention…] – I laughed so much! Fell asleep during a video after 2:00 (the guys left – they had to) [a parental order] Slept badly – squashy, hot (now & then) between Juliet & Jo

Saturday 29/8/87

Woke around 7:00. So tired. Everyone left pretty early (for work etc) Mum came and got me around 9:00. Bad news from the plastic surgeon- he reckons the scars will fade & flatten, but the dents & actual scars will never disappear. I found it so hard to hold back the tears till I left the surgery. [Kudos to me for even doing that. While I am usually pretty hard on myself (especially my younger self) I can’t put myself down for this. It was a huge deal. Realising the permanence of this huge deformity goes beyond simple aesthetics: similar to the loss of a limb or the loss of use of regions of your body (think blindness or para/quadraplegia) there has to be a corresponding mental & emotional adjustment that necessarily involves grief: I would never be ‘normal’ (as I’d experienced or defined it in my life up to that point in time) again …even though I have gone on to achieve things I’d never have dreamed possible – especially at that very moment in time – how was I to know?] At home, Keith rang & they (him, Mark & Glyn (B)) took me to the beach. Only one problem (fucking big, tho)- Mark was back to not talking to me. Why? Keith reckons (all night, too) that I’ve done nothing.A Life in Words BULL SHIT BULLSHIT – why will he only grunt when I talk to him? Sometimes he wouldn’t even answer my questions. We went to my place, Mark’s & Glyn’s – we got stuff for the movies ..at Keith’s I slept – had nothing else to do-Mark being like that. (My affectionate advances fell flat, too, except at the movies: we held hands) But after, he still seemed so bored, moody or angry .. that, when they dropped me off – I simply said goodbye. I think he was waiting for me to give him a kiss, but I couldn’t. Now I feel sick sick & upset with worry. I’ll have to ring tomorrow & apologise, [are you serious?] but I’m POSITIVE there’s something concerning me, wrong.

Sunday 30/8/87

I did nothing today- felt nothing but sickness .. a kind of nausea. Wasted away the morning – talked to Amanda when she came up, then slept when she left. At 4:15, I rang Mark & (it was very short) asked him if he could come over. He came around 4:30 I think – the talk was absolutely fruitless. I wish I could give up & just leave him. Why does he have to be so [physically] attractive? He says I’m crazy to like him – he doesn’t know why. Well, news for you; either do I. All I know is that I can’t [break up with him]. Now that must mean something. Of course it does. [Yep…] I fucking love him. A Life in Words[Nope. It just means you’re ‘hooked’ and afraid to let go. You’ve created a pattern based on an Attachment to something/someone you Desire and like the majority of people on this planet, you’ll (continue to) endure Pain rather than face (the) Fear (of relinquishing your ‘Need’).] When was the last time I wrote something cute or nice about him? He’s bored, so bored & it’s rubbing off on me. [Oh rubbish.] I want the magic and romance, but it’s just not there. [If it’s not there, it’s just not there…] God it hurts to realize this. So Mark left around 5:45. I did no HW. I’m really in a very deep rut & I can’t, won’t get out. Warmer weather. Ate only 3 meals today – no snacking- wow. What the fuck can I do to make our relationship exciting? [Not much if there’s no reciprocated effort or interest…]

More Trauma, More Surgery, More Drugs… (23 February-1 March)

Monday 23/2/87

Shit. I slept well last night…ready to finally go home..had shower, then the nurse took off my dressing for the doctors. They came, Talked. Then looked. MY STITCHES BURST, I HAVE TO HAVE A SKIN GRAFT ON WEDNESDAY. [In other words, I had to go under the knife again: to have the procedure I was meant to have in the first place. Not just insensitive & arrogant, but also incompetent surgeons?] I couldn’t stop crying when they left – mum & Kerri the social worker were with me. A Life in WordsI didn’t realise just how much I was looking forward to going home, till I couldn’t. Bastard. Bitch. I hate my leg… I’m going to have the biggest scars & a totally deformed thigh. it’s not fair. I’ll miss out on the carnival.. wednesday night. I hate my leg, I hate that bus, I hate life. Everything’s going wrong – my health, my “love-life” (Mark), my schoolwork. [Because I was so distraught about ‘everything’ by the end of the day, I failed to mention the tortuous consequence of the failed surgery; the removal of the stitches. It was horrendous, quite possibly the most physically painful experience in my life to date. At least I was in shock whilst pinned under the bus. I was given no local anaesthetic, no heavy-duty painkillers… just a couple of pills (‘digesics’) before the nurse began tugging (albeit as gently as possible) at the sutures stuck in the raw flesh around the entire circumference of the hole in my leg. You have NO idea…] I had a few visitors ..Justine & Angela & their mums, Yru & Mr Gordon & Dad came. [Dad] Got back from Adelaide today. God, I’m hot. And pissed off & depressed. Oh life’s a shit, a bitch. Imagine my scars .. to think I would’ve liked to do modelling [I’m not sure that I had ever really desired that myself: I think this was more of a notion inserted into my consciousness by others…] Everybody’s telling me it mightn’t (most likely it won’t) be bad… [being optimistic for me] They’ll disappear/fade with time. But I haven’t got lots of that. [? What did I mean by this?] It’s not fair. And Mark…that’s not fair, either.. we need to get on better.. I want to walk & go out …SHIT I’ll be here at least another week, I’ll bet. Not fair.

Tuesday 24/2/87

I was thrown into depression again, today. After showering I went with Kerri down to her office We had a talk about the crash etc. Fiona & her mum were waiting for me outside ..walked back to my bed.. A Life in Wordsmum came with the letter from Mark. It said “goodbye” & envelope contained the necklace which he “washed”. [Thanks for the ‘double whammy’, Universe. Talk about Murphy’s Law…] He was really angry about me sending him away. I got rather upset. Fi read it … I wrote a note for her to give to him & the photo of us… I was so upset. The rest of the day went slowly. I watched TV but wasn’t ‘there’. This arvy Miss Stephenson & Mrs Connors came & talked. Mark came up, while they were here. I had a heart attack – honestly, I thought you could see my chest pounding. When they left, we (or I) talked (mostly) He’s coming back tomorrow. We have quite a bit of sorting out to do. He can’t understand that I “don’t trust him”- ANYBODY. I’ve got to explain, but I’m afraid he won’t understand & will say goodbye for good. [Actually, I’m not even sure now what my reasoning was…] Had lots of visitors tonight. Is 9:30. Big day tomorrow – skin graft. Huh. Great. And bloody carnival I’ll miss out on.

Wednesday 25/2/87

A Life in Words
I’ve no idea why I decided I needed to keep this bottle of ‘Hibiclens’ pre-op soap…

I am rather ‘happy’ compared to yesterday & Monday. I slept badly last night – I mean, I couldn’t get to sleep to start with. This morning I had my pre-op soap shower & put on my lingerie (ha, ha!) (op. costume) about 10:00 I think, they started wheeling me away – but I stopped them: I wanted my pre-op needle!! [Junkie!] I got it. Waited less time this time, outside. [By now an old-hat with the pre-op experience, I had decided it was time to try to fight the grogginess and remember everything I could.  The wardsmen had stationed me right beside a tropical fish tank in the surgical waiting area and with my head lolling to the left for better focus on the aquatic life, I remember thinking “gotta count the fish”. Did I remember how many there were? LOL] At 10:55 they knocked me out totally. I remember being put back into bed.. When I woke, Mark was here, with Jules, Leanne (J) & mum. We talked well. He came up during lunch. .spent rest of the arvy with me. said he’s coming tomorrow too! YAHOO! He left me a letter, you see, telling me just how much he loves me. It is a gorgeous letter. Few more visitors today. (Jaque & Trina!!) BLOODY SWIMMING CARNIVAL on TONIGHT I’M MISSING IT. SHIT. NOT FAIR. I’ll be laid up in bed for “about 5 days”. Great. Huh. Little hot. I come out of anaesthetics pretty well, pretty quickly. [Like I said, I was a professional by now…] Am feeling slightly more confident about my scars now. Have a feeling I’ll get rid of them rather quickly! [Hmmm, seems I still didn’t understand the extent of my injury?] Hope so. Damn missing the carnival. Damn. G’night!

Thursday 26/2/87

Mark didn’t come up today. But I wrote a letter for him this morning. Numbness of my leg wore off at 2:00 this morning – I woke – my leg was ‘burning’ – stinging so much it felt on fire. I got a needle & my leg hasn’t hurt too much since. I wrote a letter to Roger [my cousin]. Got a letter from Lucy- she’s coming up at Easter. Nothing much happened … Keith came up! So did some others – mima – told me about some notes [privacy omission] had written in [privacy omission]‘s biology book – something like “I heard Elissa & Mark have broken up- I feel guilty but I’m so happy.” Ha, ha! He loves me! She’s skint! I gave Julia my letter to give to him tomorrow. I wish he’d come up today. I might be out Monday according to the doctors & “how I feel” A Life in Wordsso hot ..have to have washes in bed ..no more showers – & bloody bedpans – I did a poop tonight – hate doing ’em in bedpans. SKINT [privacy omission]! mark – I love you!! Conversation mostly about carnival- I missed one hell of a night DAMMIT!!

Friday 27/2/87

He came this afternoon ..no kisses, but holding hands.. yum, yum, yum ..I’m in love! Julia said she gave the letter to Lynette C to give to him & Sharon told me he got it. (Mima, fi, justine, megan, sharon came at lunchtime) I did a little bit of work today, listened to music, watched TV … all the same boring stuff. Oh, he’s coming tomorrow, too. Can’t wait till I’m out of here. Longing. A longing to be with him as much as possible. My leg’s annoying. Needed a needle last night again . . woke 1st – got digesics (??) [oral painkillers] 2nd time given the needle. Wowee! Police Academy’s on TV now UNREAL!! ♥ Mark. Trina visited. I’m getting used to the food – I eat most of it now that’s how long I’ve been in hospital. Oh dear. All I can think about is Mark. I’ll bet he liked the letter. I hope. YUMMY – hot afternoon. Pain-in-the-arse leg. Oh, I wish time would fly. Am sleeping badly. Lucy’s coming for Easter hol’s – so are Jodie & Michael & A. Hilary & Delanie should have moved back up here my then too! WOW!

Saturday 28/2/87

mark spent about 3½-4 hrs with me this arvy- left at 5:30. (Although Andrew J & Martin J interrupted for about ½ hr – I think I gave them the hint … I didn’t know what to talk about – so didn’t say much… Mark mucked around with the stuff on my bedside table!) [How completely uncomfortable, but inexcusably rude. I am retrospectively embarrassed.] It was funny… affection now & then, (no kisses, though … not even goodbye) but mostly “buddies” …Crabby came up tonight and, believe it or not, Marney & Nola R! But I kept talking to Wayne I don’t believe how well we get on! He gave me a goodbye kiss, cos it’d be the last time I see him for a long time. They’re leaving for their leadership camp tomorrow afternoon. I want to go home Monday, for sure. I want to get better really quickly so I can walk & dance, at least. Even if it’s a limp. I want to go out & get with Mark; something I haven’t down for nearly a month now. I think, in a strange, twisted sort of) way, this crash has made me more “well known”….people being more friendly ..and perhaps (guys) noticing me. But I’m for Mark. I know how [privacy omission] feels now .. heaps of guys you’d love to flirt with, get with for a night – but the one guy you love and want forever. No one will ever replace mark. I wish we could have a future together – I mean life-long, you know. But it won’t happen … I’m sure. [A fairly safe prediction, that one: teenage romances burgeoning into lifelong partnerships are as rare as hens’ teeth] HOT again. Can’t wait to have a proper shower again!

A Life in WordsThe diary I used in 1987 was a generic one (not specific to the year) so it had a page for 29 February (perchance the owner happened to use it in one of those). Since ’87 wasn’t a leap year, I had extra space to write for Saturday… but underneath this very important notation:

Sunday 1/3/87

He didn’t come up today. In fact, besides Justin, Mr McKenzie & his family and  (of course) mum & jules, no one did. Boring! I watched TV, read magazines .. that’s about it. God, I hope this is my last night here. I really don’t think I could stand much longer – one more night. NO! I need to get out ..get better quickly.. I’m dying to go out & do things again. I wonder when I’ll see Mark again . . . would he come to our house? I wonder! Talked about the crash with Justin- I’d love to find out what happened- when. Wouldn’t it be great if we could put back the hands of time. But, no, I shouldn’t think that. What’s done, is done. [Nice little hint of Wisdom there] I hope it doesn’t hurt me to walk on crutches again… I want to be able to do it so I can get out. God, I want to go. I’m still in a bit of pain… but not near as bad as thursday  I still need tablets (digesics) but I can roll over at night again. I’m looking forward to a shower again, too (wash my hair!)

 

Camp Preparations Begin… ACE! (29 January)

Thursday 29/1//87

Well, we talked again today. T’was O.K. He found his letter in my bag (plastic bag – I’d better use my port tomorrow; feel silly cos’ everyone else is. A Life in Words[Yeah, and um, didn’t you just buy a new one? Can’t think why I would be taking just a plastic bag to school] Think I have worms) [Ok! If that isn’t the most random thing to say? And maybe too much information? Just, maybe?] and told him it was only for Jemima’s eyes. See, he rang me.. (yesterday he came over; in Jason P’s car with him & Cameron just stopped for a minute or two, in the gutter) and we talked a fair bit. [Privacy omission] The main thing was I talked about people. Asking him all the girls- he told me who he hated etc. Up to [privacy omission] he was secretive. I asked but he said “we had a few words before you arrived at the party” – (Angie J’s) I asked the “outcome” – “good and bad.” I rang fi straight after. She made me feel a bit better. [She was a great listener, and her objectivity almost always helped me through my issues & insecurities. Until the next time…] I spent the rest of the night cutting up pictures (magazines) in my room. It’s now about 8:45 & I haven’t had a shower yet. STINKING HOT.

[And the story per my scrapbook:]

A Life in WordsErica is in my biology class as well. FANTASTIC. This will be an ACE year. . .an ACE camp to start it. Began preparations for camp. Our group (of course) is Jemima, Fiona, Monique, Erica & myself. Would never have guessed, right?!!

[We created an acronym from the first initials of our names, which we used to ‘label’ everything: J.E.F.E.M. J-emima, E-rica, F-iona, E-lissa, M-onique. The picture below actually comes from Saturday’s page in the scrapbook.]

A Life in Words

 

The Belly Fixation, A Disappointing Date & Immersion in Fiction (12-18 January)

Monday 12/1/87

It was hell trying to get to sleep last night. To bed at 10:00; I could not sleep… lay moving frequently, ended up listening to the radio. About 2:00 I would’ve gotten to sleep I don’t know why I was so restless. Anyway, I woke rather early (??) It was hot. After mum left, Jules & I sunbaked till 9:50. (My stomach’s looking nice ‘n’ brown!) [Ah that stomach. It’s been the (physical) bane of my life.] Time went quickly. Around 11:30 Mark rang (he’d just woken up.) Talked for over an hour …going to [see the movie] Aliens on Wednesday night! (Julia wants to come too) I think I might’ve hung up on a bad note, hope not. Went to Kmart & Earlville with mum & Jules after – got more new socks & new singlets! That’s it, though. I want one of those tops, sleeveless with a high (turtle) neck. For Wed night. Fi rang (well I rang her) Justine F’s going to Brissy & wants us to go to Pancake House Wednesday night. Can’t wait! I can go, then go to [the Cinema] Capri from there. Then Croc Rock with Mark after the movies. oooh! I can’t wait! my stomach seems to be going flatter & browner! Must tone it up. Ooh, everything’s going good! Had an 1½-2 hr phone call from Beka→ all about Mark nearly. Is 10:35. wonder if I’ll get to sleep alright tonight?

Tuesday 13/1/87A Life in Words

Here I was, trying to sleep in (rather effortlessly for once! Yahoo!) & mum comes in . . “it’s Sharon. She wants to know if you’d like to go to the movies.” It was 7:30. [The point being, no movies began screening before 9:30am, so why did she have to disrupt my slumber?] I did though. Labyrinth is EXCELLENT. I love fantasy. That Is pure fantasy – beautiful romance. I loved it! God it’s hot. Walked round for awhile after. Caught 3:15 bus home- Mima, fi & polly also did! At home, read the letter Mark sent me. [I’m assuming a new one had arrived] It really is cute. Some gorgeous  things – calling me “Princess[back then, being a ‘Princess’ had no negative connotations…] and saying about my “cute giggle” and wants to think of me (wants me to send him a tape with me talking & laughing!) HaHa! Cute! So I wrote one back immediately. Rode to shops & posted it immediately. Have tried to ring him but is engaged. (for finalities on plans for tomorrow night.) [Desperado!] Oh dear. […you said it!] Am really looking forward to it! Is 8:55. Should I try again? [Really? I’m surprised mum let you. It was a kind of unspoken rule in our household that it was rude (inconsiderate) to call people after 8pm.] Why not? [Because it’s ‘too late’?] Nope – still engaged. Maybe their phone’s on the blink? [“on the blink” is Aussie slang for “not working”] Hot night.

Wednesday 14/1/87

A Life in Words
my top wasn’t that fitted, nor that short…

I can’t quite remember what I did today .. I think I woke and went to Smithfield Shopping Centre with mum to do the grocery shopping. I got a white sleeveless midriff high necked (turtlenecked) T shirt. At home I (can’t remember really what I did.). sunbaked for a while. About 5:00 or so I began to get ready. I wore my navy & white striped singlet dress as a skirt on (just above) my hips with Jules’ white belt, my new shirt & black shoes. [I can clearly picture this outfit. We were pretty creative with our outfits back then, thanks to the likes of Madonna, Boy George, Cyndi Lauper et al, who spawned the messy, layered fashion trend.] My hair was loaded with hairspray [aka Madonna/Cyndi L]. Picked up fi. Stayed short time at Pancake House – Justine, Leanne, Linda, Fiona, Mima & Brent were there when we (Jules Amanda & I) left. At Capri I saw him & Keith as soon as I walked in, but walked straight over to the ticket box. I sat. They “fretted” about tickets – the price. Eventually walked in when the attendant wasn’t there! Anyway nothing happened. A Life in Words[As in, no “making out”. As if it would, with his mate sitting right there with us.] I watched the movie – almost all of it & best I did was hold on to Mark’s jacket sleeve (wrap my arm around his kind of.) Aliens wasn’t really scary at all. After, we found Fi downstairs. She’d waited 1½hrs for us. [Poor pet] Went with [privacy omission]‘s dad [another parent complicit in our underage clubbing?] to Croc. Rock→ [story continued over the page…]

Thursday 15/1/87

for the first time ever (at C.R.) I wasn’t asked for ID at all & for the 1st time ever Keith & Mark were! 3 of us walked up. Fi got in later only about 10-15mins later.  Was rather dull that night. We did dance “My Favourite Waste of Time” came on. Mark wasn’t into dancing that night. It was rather dull… I got depressed & that’s caused my day-long depression today. I think now that I made a mountain out of a molehill. Just some things about “marriage” [?!] & Mark doesn’t like my moodiness. [I think it’s fair enough to feel a bit crappy if you feel you’re being criticised.] I was quite depressed and the night did not end on a high note. In fact, I worried & was very moody all day today. I wonder why he never calls me and other things like that. Does he really care? How much does he care? There was a girl he talked to a lot whom I thought was [privacy omission] The girl he used to “love”. I worry too much. [Ya think? At least you’re aware of it…] I watched TV mostly read children’s literature to stop thinking. [Possibly why I love movies and books to this day: healthier forms of escapism than, say, drugs…] Beka rang then came over And I rang Fi tonight. She makes so much sense. I wish I had her attitudes to life. [I clearly didn’t have a clue back then that you could train your ‘attitudes’…] SO HOT 2DAY Is 10:05 GOT ABOUT 5HRS SLEEP THIS MORNING ∼5 till 10

A Life in WordsFriday 16/1/87

Today I immersed myself in fiction again, but watching a bit more TV as well (who says that’s not fiction?) of course it is. [Oooh, some premature wisdom there!] My appetite was small I was surprised. [Stress can kill appetite] It was very hot. I was very tired. We went to see Nana in the afternoon. I ate 2 icecreams on the way home. [Emotional eating. Food as a crutch.] I feel and look slimmer, concerning my stomach. All I need is to exercise. My diet’s OK. (I mean concerning Kj intake – not nutrients) [At least I was aware of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ food and the notion of ’empty calories’] I need to burn my energy a bit faster. I think a little about Mark. I am not so worried anymore (superficially that is – I worry, deep inside, all the time. [Fantastic! Chronic Stress. The thing that underlies the majority of illnesses and even death.] More so, now) If I rang, what would I say? We must get in contact again before school or things could change (for worse.. ) I should send him the tape of me. Maybe letters are the best. I’m chicken (at the moment) to ring him & he will not willingly ring me. [Good god, I wish I could shake my young self! How useful the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” could have been back then…] I wish I could be sure he felt a lot for me. I hope he does. [10:00]

Saturday 17/7/87A Life in Words

Today I ate and watched TV. Nothing unsusal or exciting. Late this afternoon & right on through till now I have been going through the section on classical mythology in the Pear’s cyclopaedia getting all the ‘gods’. Haven’t finished yet. But today was hot & boring. Julia tried to get me on tape, but I resisted & she got shitty with me. [Sweet little sister; trying to propagate my potential relationship by fulfilling my ‘suitor’s’ wish… and promptly cracking the shits when I fail to comply…] God it’s hot!! Didn’t, obviously go to work today. Gonna listen to the radio again for as long as I wish – I can sleep in – – we hang towels over our louvres so our rooms are dark in the mornings – works well – I woke about 9:15 this morning! Did you know I’m in Greek myth? (Actually, yes: I have related this little tale (although with different details) in a previous post: click here if you’d like to re-visit it.] Elissa (Dido) daughter of a King [of “Tyre”] 2 stories – but in both I commit suicide. Nice, huh? Maybe I should do just that. [Wow, heavy.] I keep wondering about Mark. Want to, but don’t want to ring him. He is so gorgeous. I love him, do I? [???] 10:00

Sunday 18/1/87

I finished “gods” research in classical myth. And read about the Zodiac signs as much as possible. Otherwise for the rest of the day (most of it), I listened to the radio & watched cricket – Australia actually won! Jules & I were freaking every time they got one [a batter, I assume] out! Rang Fi tonight – she can’t do anything tomorrow – going to town with her mum. Also rang Mrs P – she wasn’t certain, but Monique’s coming home on the 25th; she rang me right after! [we definitely shared some freaky incidents, that girl and I…] From Brissy! She’s coming back with Cameron! Believe it or not the one who’s s’posed to hate her. I didn’t ring Mark. I might tomorrow night – saying I’m going crazy with boredom. A Life in WordsTomorrow tho’, we’re going to “book” Jules in .. I think. [And “I think” this referred to her moving to Cairns High. She’d witnessed the changes that the switch to ‘CHS’ had brought me, so followed suit in the hope that her life would change ‘for the better’ too.] Boy it’s hot. Woke early this morning to a downpour. Got a sprinkle this arvy ‘n’ that was it. Crikey gee! Hangin’ out for a letter from MW tomorrow. Hope 10:25