Crocodile Rock – Page 2 – A Life in Words

A Bleeding Mole, a Prudent Prescription & the Show (13-19 July)

Published on July 16, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 13/7/87

Ugh! I hate school. It’s so boring & ….. boring!! Rebecca G’s back in Cairns – at school. But that doesn’t really bother me – she doesn’t talk anyway (to me) We’re back in F block for maths. Wowee. How boring. Mark came late, but smiled at me when I saw him. We barely talked at all (end of recess, in biol & after school). Most of it was stirring anyway. On the way home we honked the horn & I gave him the forks – he rang me tonight & everything seemed much better (even though we were still joking around). I think he got off his “high horse” (maybe?) – realised what he was doing. Anyway was really cool today & is cool tonite. Spent the lunch hour on the oval in the sun. There’s a mole on stomach- bleeding. [Well aren’t these back-to-back sentences pretty much ‘oxymoronic’? The sun + bleeding moles = ?!?!] Worrying me a bit. [Really?] Hope its not cancerous. [In all fairness, the lunchtime sun-soak wouldn’t’ve registered to me at all because we didn’t know back then that skin cancers (esp. melanoma) can ‘originate’ in places never seen by the sun…] Talked to mum tonight about the pill – she’s not really impressed, but she knows its for the best [What mama is ever truly happy about her girl reaching this rite-of-passage? (I don’t even have to mention Dads!) I imagine it’s more just a sign of her baby growing up too fast…] Watching mini series again tonight. Finished 11:30 last nite. Same tonite???

Tuesday 14/7/87

10:30 it finished last night & 10:30 again tonite. Gosh it’s cool! Beautiful weather Just right. I’d love summers like this – imagine, then, the winters! [Hmmm, my attitude towards the seasons has pretty much reversed over the years…] Today was O.K. seemed to go rather fast. Rang Mark tonight, briefly. I went to see Mrs E this afternoon – for a dress fitting – she’s only just begun the lining! Hope it gets finished! Then I went to the doctor to see about this bleeding mole- he said it’s “malignant” (whatever that means) [“not good”] & he ripped it off. [..which I find confusing. If it was truly malignant, there should have been further testing. If I had misunderstood the doctor, and he was simply intimating that it may become malignant – removal without follow up could be expected. But if there was minimal chance of it being a threat (and I have realised many ‘mole-morphing’ experiences over the years) the removal may have been some sadistic power-play?!!] Now I’ve got a kind of scab. I also asked (shame!) [shame because it’s an ‘admission’!] about the pill – he wrote a prescription out, but said to start first pack after next period; even then, must wait until I’ve finished that pack (of approx. 21 or 28 pills) before it becomes effective. So it’ll be a while yet. Did barely any homework. am so tired. Riding tomorrow 1st dance practise tomorrow night but Mark doesn’t want to go: State of Origin III match is on. mini-series ended tonite – was fantastic!!! Busy day tomorrow (I think!) SHOW!!! [Oh how I loved the Show back then. I think it stemmed from my social nature: as a younger teen it was the most ‘popular’ event I could ever attend… I used to get excited wondering how many people I would run into in the crowd of strangers…]

Wednesday 15/7/87

All these late nights!! It’s almost 11:00 now. Today was O.K. I thought I’d missed mima & fiona, but they were just a little late. Dad stopped us around Suicide Bend [a severe curve in the road between Stratford and Aeroglen at which a number of historic fatalities occurred. The road is now known as the Stratford Connection Road but we certainly didn’t know it by that name back in the 80’s …I just can’t remember what it was: Aeroglen Drive or Kamerunga Road? …Anyone?] and, get this, gave me $40 (for Jules & I for the show) can you believe it? We didn’t even have to ask! Wow!! [As often happens with split homes, one parent ends up dishing out more money than the other in the rearing of offspring. I think it’s unavoidable even in the most amicable of relationships disintegrations. Living with mum meant she bore the financial brunt of our upbringing. Rather than Dad being a conscious miser, I believe things simply just ‘didn’t occur’ to him. It fits with the adage “out of sight, out of mind”.] Did biol. HW at school. Got on really well with mark today- I mean we didn’t talk too much more than usual, but we were in better spirits (I think) – he seemed much nicer; a little more affectionate (although he wasn’t) [what the?! …he was but he wasn’t?] Don’t worry – I can’t explain. [obviously] At lunchtime (after) Mima, Fi, Polly, Anna, Joannah, Myuko & I went to Fi’s shop to miss athletics tryouts. Talked, laughed ate. After 3:00, got our bikes & (after mima’s dress fitting) rode home really fast! (Pushing my leg to its limit! Ha, ha) Late nite was v. unsuccessful – nothing at all, I really like. At home watched TV & got bag from mima’s. OW! Bit my gum this arvy – its sore now. my stomach mole’s O.K now. Mum’s pushing me about the pill “Are you sure about Mark? I want you to be absolutely sure about him…” etc [Well, this is truly an eye-opener for me. Aside from mum’s innate parental concern for her daughter, this is the first moment I have realised that she perhaps didn’t overly approve of my boyfriend. In her defense, it would have been crystal clear how affected I was by him; my moods and reactions relative to the relationship highs and lows. I mean, if I as an adult now cringe at what I allowed myself to experience, I can imagine how it could have felt for my loving mother to watch…] Had to pay for painting stretcher today (out of my $20 for the show – now I have only $14 left. Great)

Thursday 16/7/87

Great day! I’m in a really good mood! Only one problem – Fi’s sick .. but if she rests tomorrow all day she should be O.K (I hope so) for it. School was boring, of course .. the Canadian marching band did a display this morning after parade, so that shortened our lessons. (It was really good!) I rode by myself. to school (wondering at the time why I possibly did) but on the way home I enjoyed it. We got ready, took Amanda & Jules to the show then went to Earlville. I was almost giving up hope when, wait for it, we went in to ROCKMANS & I found some black pants!! WOW! Then I purchased” a red shaker-knit cotton jumper (men’s) so I was in a good mood – watched the model search thingy (with mima, Pol, anna, danae, colleen, juliet, nina …so on) _both heats (Tricia was in the last one – my God – I would never dream of doing that if I was her (if I was me, anyway!)) [Such high and rigid expectations of Beauty thanks to the Media and my own low Self Esteem..] VOMIT! [Harsh reactions again hint at Insecurity… and perhaps Jealousy: that she had the self confidence/esteem/love to have a go in the first place. We often attack or lash out when coming from a place of Fear…] went home with Brewers .. mima & I decided to ride to the beach tomorrow morning – At home I rang Mark straight away – but I’m going to ring again tomorrow. Still not sure exactly what the plans are for tomorrow (night) – after the show, too (the [House on the] Hill, [that is, Crocodile Rock nightclub] staying at Fi’s.) Hafta work it all out.

Friday 17/7/87

Didn’t ride to the beach-mima had to stay to meet her granny. I “wasted” the morning – watching TV, weaving (for art). Did a little exercise→ rode to the shop for mum. Rang mima & fi & got “plans” sorted out; got ready around 3:30→ went to Fi’s at 4:20 – finished getting ready, before walking to mima’s. Picked up Jo & Geoff. M too . . got there around 5:45 – got to the Big Ferris wheel [the ‘meeting point’] around 6:03, I reckon. Mark showed up at 6:15- had been waiting at the little Ferris wheel. But, he went again to the pub. Met him at 7:00 – he was teasing me about Phil C (was there with P. N. & some others) YUM, YUM. I did end up talking to him, too; he has changed- is much, much less shy than last year. I think he’d be a really cool friend to have. I went on 1 ride spent a record minimum (less than $5 I’m sure) this year. Mark was away most the time – at the end I felt I was being ignored/avoided. IT HURTS so much. Around 11:30 went to the Hill. I got in no sweat (no questions . nothing!! WOWEE) Was good, except was hot & smoky inside. But I wasn’t exactly happy. I felt, especially towards the end, very unloved, boring, sad, lonely, depressed & a bit pissed off. […anything else?…] Why does Mark treat me the way he does? God it hurts so much. [No…why do you put up with the ‘treatment’? You have a choice. It’s nothing to do with him …but everything to do with You…] But I can’t say anything- he’ll only confirm his beliefs that I’m a weak, boring sook. (whinger, complainer) Pretty well bombed at Fi’s, around 3:30. Cold!!! left around 8:30 – Fi’d already gone to work, mima home. Jo & I cleaned up, then walked to bus stop sat until she caught bus to Redlynch – I walked home. Spent the day lying, resting, reading thinking= being depressed. [Allowing the Mind to replay the Past, re-tell its Stories to keep you Down…] “Well I’ll see you when I see you” he said. Jesus that hurt. Maybe I’m just going through an extremely sensitive period or something but I can’t help it; I’m feeling down today & I can’t change it. [You can. But sometimes you’re not meant to…] Had a short sleep (about 1-1½hrs) after 3:00→ rang Fi & Sharon after (both weren’t home) Mark rang me. I felt a little better (he made the effort to ring me, after all) & we decided to go to the movies (he didn’t want to go to the party) Got calls from Beka & Sharon after. Got to odeon just before him. Lethal Weapon again. He appeared very quiet – uncomfortable (moody) but relaxed a bit after. (We walked around→ to Pacific & had a cocktail – Pink Blonde YUMMY) Left odeon after ringing mum (him→Sandra) & getting himself a steakburger .. I was a little pissed off again. . . .→

Sunday 19/7/87

→ no kiss again→ I knew it – it had to do with what I’d said last Saturday night – about never kissing him again. I’d said to forget it & he said he did, but no→ he has to carry it on – that’s what upsets me the way he carries things on, for days, weeks. I hate it – it hurts. It makes me afraid to say anything to him now in case he carries it on. [And this is a perfect example of how fears develop into life-long instinctive reactions or habits. “Avoid Confrontation at all costs, Liss” the Mind says…] So he laughed as we drove away. At home I watched TV, right up untill 1:15 or so. I bombed and woke this morning at about 9:30→ really dead! (Mum painting the entrance room) Amanda left around 11:00 (she stayed last night) God, it depresses me to think about Mark→why does he do it? Deliberately to provoke me; make me sulk. [Maybe? Maybe trying to push you away? Or maybe he has no intention at all. The thing is, you can never really know …which means it’s beyond your Control …which means ya gotta… Let. It. Go.] I can’t stand it. After wasting the day (totally) Beka picked me up: at dance practise I got a very mixed feeling about him. He seemed O.K. (nice) now & then – but sometimes he was very “stiff” as if he wished he didn’t go. Kept calling me a Sook. I can see he doesn’t like me (being a “Sook”) But I can’t convince him when I’m not sulking. DON’T HURT ME ANYMORE. PLEASE forget all this shit. After it I had a terribly sore throat – hard to swallow, yawn & speak. God it’s killing me. Mark wouldn’t believe me when I told him it was sore – just said “sook“

Mucking Around, Love Signs & Jaffles (19-25 January)

Published on January 19, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 19/1/87

Blitz day! I got a letter and a card! In his letter there were some really gorgeous things. – it started Hi cutey! The best I’ve received yet. Um, I went with mum & Jules .. we stayed at [dad’s] work a long time talking to dad & Jenny (mostly about my career) Shit what am I going to do? [The very same anxiety pretty much all high school kids experience…] After went to Earlville. I bought 2 cards One for mark for ‘fun’ like his and one for Valentine’s day. Also, Countdown Diaries have been sold out everywhere. Shit. Then after a very hot, boring afternoon, Mark rang, inviting me to Angie J’s party Wed. night. That means Robbie’ll be there (saw him in town too; dodged outta sight!) OH NO! No worries; I’ll be with Mark. [so you think: things rarely go to plan] So we talked for ages when I rang back. We’re going to Devil’s tomorrow. I have to ring him 9:05. God it’s hot. We still need more rain than we’ve been getting.

Tuesday 20/1/87

Well today, mum woke me with 2 letters from Monique. She’s having a ball by the sounds of it. I waited till about 10:20 to ring Mark. At 11:30 I got there. He was already there – had been for a dip. At Devil’s I jumped off the “cliff”. once. (!!) [I don’t know if you would call it a cliff – but it was a sheer, sudden drop into the water from its edge. It wasn’t a very popular swimming hole.] we were talking & mucking around. Went to Brimsmead shop sat for ages. Mucking around. Saw Judy (Judy F.) walking past. And she saw us. (!!) [the double exclamation marks potentially referring to the thought “great, word will get around”…] We went back to another nearby (shallow) place for swim again. Mucked around. Was really nice there. Got out & talked & mucked around. Then finally back to the shop. And there, while mucking around, I (looking through his wallet) [I have a feeling this was not as bad as it sounds… almost like I’d been given permission… he may have been sitting right there…] found an ‘old’ love note from Nicole. I didn’t read it but it was signed off, “from [privacy omission] Nicole” (typing) I thought why is he keeping it? I’m a little worried now. Anyway his wallet, sunnies & tape (UB40) are here – thought he’d be seeing me 2morrow. Rang him. & Fi. She’s coming to the party. It’s 11:30. Gonna watch a show now, then flop. I’m exhausted. An O.K. day. Wished it could’ve been a bit different. [How exactly?]

Wednesday 21/1/87

Waste of time waiting up to watch that show. Wasn’t good at all. So today mum woke me at 8:00. I was tired & grumpy. Went to Nana’s. Was boring I was so hot. [From memory, Nana lived in a little brick shoe-box of a unit, that had very poor ventilation. Back in the 80’s air-conditioning was not standard in rental properties.] Went to town after to do various things. Saw Mark & Keith on the the way!! Got my new skool shoes (just like my other ones) & did grocery shopping. At home I thought about the party. [As you read on, it turns out that we weren’t actually invited, so I was feeling uncomfortable about potentially gate-crashing…] I rang Fi. She didn’t want to go either. When Mark rang, he made “compromise”. He’d ask Angie when he got there if Fi & I could come & ring us up. That we did. At about 8:45 we left. Martin took us there. Talked to Mark a little; walked round. It was BORING. At 10:30, Mark, me, Fi, Sharon, Keith, Michelle walked to Croc. Rock. → only 2 or 3 streets away. I got in easily Fi didn’t but later; yes – without even paying [the cover charge, evidently …that was probably only $3 or something dirt cheap like that]! Mark & I spent a lot of time in Smithy’s talking – mucking around. The “others” came & went as they pleased. We held hands for sometime ..later in the morning. Soon it became natural holding hands all the time. then, arms → [the arrow led across to the next page of the diary…]

Thursday 22/1/87

round each other.. then I was meant to go with Fiona (& Martin) but she, being really happy [for me] & great friend convinced Terry to give me a lift home. Then it happened after she left. We were standing near a bar when Heather (blind) came over, raving on. Told us how “fucking gorgeous” we looked together and to “kiss”. Yes but it was yuk.. [because… awkward! But…] when she left… It wasn’t. we stood there for ages. It was beautiful. [Of course! What other descriptive would a lovestruck teenaged girl use?] Then eventually, they were coming in the same car. At 4:30 we left. We made so many stops. Mark was being gorgeous. [Privacy omission] Then he left at his place. Sad. Terry & Harry wanted to go to Freshy Ck. Sharon didn’t mind. So we stayed there till it got light. (Boring for me – my mind on Mark.) [of course…] Sharon rode my bike home. I had ≈ 2hrs sleep. Couldn’t sleep again, the rest of the day. Watched TV. Mark rang around 6:15. Saying ‘nice things. Gorgeous things. He wants to see me tomorrow. I rang Sharon – she’s gonna ride my bike here. I can’t wait – I want to see Mark again too. I’d spend my time with him rather than anyone else Is 9:40. I’m not even tired. Just boiling hot. Mark ♥♥♥

Friday 23/1/87

Today I ate nothing – only tonight – for dinner. I had a piece of bread & butter and an egg waffle. [I meant ‘jaffle’, but I think we might have grown up calling them waffles (which explains why I was so puzzled when I first heard about North American waffles years later, served up with bacon & maple syrup). Jaffles differ from ordinary toasties in that they’re sealed shut at the edges. Before electric toasted sandwich makers, there were a ‘jaffle irons’ (see pic) which we used to take camping.] See, sharon came round about 8:30 and I rang mark at 9:00. he said to ring him back when Sharon had gone (which was about 10:45) and we’d leave for Devil’s. Spent 1st 2hrs or so in water, mucking round with a stone few little kisses. Lying in the shade, together for another 1 or 2 hrs, then for another swim some other place for an hour or so. After sat for another 1/2hr & 1/2hr “saying goodbye” That was a yummy part. I rang him tonight. We can’t decide what to do on the weekend.. I must ring him tomorrow arvy with more suggestions. Watching the movie now. Was 36º at 10:00am today – dropped back to 35º rest of the day. Reckon be the same tomorrow. I’ll watch the cricket I guess. Tonight’s phonecall was boring – I said he’d get sick of seeing me. [Oh gawd…] He said never. I hope so. Am proud about my appetite. I wasn’t hungry with Mark. Wonder if that means anything. [Um, duh! Loss of appetite is just one of many symptoms or side-effects of ‘Being in Love’ and there’s science to back it up! Check out this article on live science.com website: it lists all the Signs… my little 16 year old self was displaying pretty much all of them…] 10:35 now. Should ring Fi sometime. And moni’s comin’ home sunday!! ACE!

Saturday 24/1/87

Slept in till about 9:00. I watched TV for a while in the morning, then for the rest of the day cut things out of my ’84 Dollys and tidied up (sorted out) the pile of junk on a dining chair, that has been there for days. Am watching the movie. . .a special about the history of musicals/broadway. It’s 10:00. I rang Mark around 5:00. He sounded fine for the first few minutes but the ultimate boredom of the phone call soon took effect. That must change. Anyway I’m ringing him tomorrow night to find out about going to Crystals on Australia Day with Terry (& the “mob” – Monique!) Was so hot – 36º max. But got a (kind of) storm late this arvy – and it’s still raining. Oh, I’m now being overwhelmed with fatigue: I’m bloody tired. Ate more today 3 pieces toast, banana, 4 shredded wheatmeal biccys & some crumbed steak & cheese & milk. And water & diet coke. [Ugh! Diet Coke. It’s frightening how much of that crap we consumed; sometimes mum, Julia and I would go through a 1.5 litre bottle in one day. Disgusting.] Pity, that!! Oh well. I’m looking slimmer I think. monique left Brissy today! HOORAY! [She would have been coming home by bus, which used to be the cheapest way to travel back then. It took a painful 24-26 hours as well, but airfares were just way too expensive in the 80’s.]

Sunday 25/1/87

Woke to a putrid, stinking hot day. Mum washed the windows. After helping a little, I cut out magazine pictures. Did that all morning (under my fan) till we went to see Nana. In hospital [to this day I am not certain what exactly my grandmother’s health issues were, apart from rheumatoid arthritis, and therefore have no idea why she was hospitalised], we just sat watching cricket, Jules & I. Was boring. When we got home, Monique called me, asked me over for the night. I rode over at about 4:20. Got there about 4:45. Her pool is HOT!! [No shade = tepid pool water] We talked, then rode to the video shop & got out NIGHT PATROL (embarrassing the guy made us ring Mrs P. to get her consent cause it was an ‘R’ rated movie.) Back home, we rushed off to Pizza Hut to get our pan pizza. I rang mark when I got back. He hadn’t decided what he was doing tomorrow. I suggested he ring us, tomorrow. Then after saying bye, Moni & I had pizza & during the video (sick!) [as in, crap. “Sick” had not positive connotations back then] Fiona rang. She’s coming over tomorrow for the day. Had a late night.

The Belly Fixation, A Disappointing Date & Immersion in Fiction (12-18 January)

Published on January 12, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 12/1/87

It was hell trying to get to sleep last night. To bed at 10:00; I could not sleep… lay moving frequently, ended up listening to the radio. About 2:00 I would’ve gotten to sleep I don’t know why I was so restless. Anyway, I woke rather early (??) It was hot. After mum left, Jules & I sunbaked till 9:50. (My stomach’s looking nice ‘n’ brown!) [Ah that stomach. It’s been the (physical) bane of my life.] Time went quickly. Around 11:30 Mark rang (he’d just woken up.) Talked for over an hour …going to [see the movie] Aliens on Wednesday night! (Julia wants to come too) I think I might’ve hung up on a bad note, hope not. Went to Kmart & Earlville with mum & Jules after – got more new socks & new singlets! That’s it, though. I want one of those tops, sleeveless with a high (turtle) neck. For Wed night. Fi rang (well I rang her) Justine F’s going to Brissy & wants us to go to Pancake House Wednesday night. Can’t wait! I can go, then go to [the Cinema] Capri from there. Then Croc Rock with Mark after the movies. oooh! I can’t wait! my stomach seems to be going flatter & browner! Must tone it up. Ooh, everything’s going good! Had an 1½-2 hr phone call from Beka→ all about Mark nearly. Is 10:35. wonder if I’ll get to sleep alright tonight?

Tuesday 13/1/87

Here I was, trying to sleep in (rather effortlessly for once! Yahoo!) & mum comes in . . “it’s Sharon. She wants to know if you’d like to go to the movies.” It was 7:30. [The point being, no movies began screening before 9:30am, so why did she have to disrupt my slumber?] I did though. Labyrinth is EXCELLENT. I love fantasy. That Is pure fantasy – beautiful romance. I loved it! God it’s hot. Walked round for awhile after. Caught 3:15 bus home- Mima, fi & polly also did! At home, read the letter Mark sent me. [I’m assuming a new one had arrived] It really is cute. Some gorgeous things – calling me “Princess” [back then, being a ‘Princess’ had no negative connotations…] and saying about my “cute giggle” and wants to think of me (wants me to send him a tape with me talking & laughing!) HaHa! Cute! So I wrote one back immediately. Rode to shops & posted it immediately. Have tried to ring him but is engaged. (for finalities on plans for tomorrow night.) [Desperado!] Oh dear. […you said it!] Am really looking forward to it! Is 8:55. Should I try again? [Really? I’m surprised mum let you. It was a kind of unspoken rule in our household that it was rude (inconsiderate) to call people after 8pm.] Why not? [Because it’s ‘too late’?] Nope – still engaged. Maybe their phone’s on the blink? [“on the blink” is Aussie slang for “not working”] Hot night.

Wednesday 14/1/87

A Life in Words — my top wasn’t that fitted, nor that short…

I can’t quite remember what I did today .. I think I woke and went to Smithfield Shopping Centre with mum to do the grocery shopping. I got a white sleeveless midriff high necked (turtlenecked) T shirt. At home I (can’t remember really what I did.). sunbaked for a while. About 5:00 or so I began to get ready. I wore my navy & white striped singlet dress as a skirt on (just above) my hips with Jules’ white belt, my new shirt & black shoes. [I can clearly picture this outfit. We were pretty creative with our outfits back then, thanks to the likes of Madonna, Boy George, Cyndi Lauper et al, who spawned the messy, layered fashion trend.] My hair was loaded with hairspray [aka Madonna/Cyndi L]. Picked up fi. Stayed short time at Pancake House – Justine, Leanne, Linda, Fiona, Mima & Brent were there when we (Jules Amanda & I) left. At Capri I saw him & Keith as soon as I walked in, but walked straight over to the ticket box. I sat. They “fretted” about tickets – the price. Eventually walked in when the attendant wasn’t there! Anyway nothing happened. [As in, no “making out”. As if it would, with his mate sitting right there with us.] I watched the movie – almost all of it & best I did was hold on to Mark’s jacket sleeve (wrap my arm around his kind of.) Aliens wasn’t really scary at all. After, we found Fi downstairs. She’d waited 1½hrs for us. [Poor pet] Went with [privacy omission]‘s dad [another parent complicit in our underage clubbing?] to Croc. Rock→ [story continued over the page…]

Thursday 15/1/87

for the first time ever (at C.R.) I wasn’t asked for ID at all & for the 1st time ever Keith & Mark were! 3 of us walked up. Fi got in later only about 10-15mins later. Was rather dull that night. We did dance “My Favourite Waste of Time” came on. Mark wasn’t into dancing that night. It was rather dull… I got depressed & that’s caused my day-long depression today. I think now that I made a mountain out of a molehill. Just some things about “marriage” [?!] & Mark doesn’t like my moodiness. [I think it’s fair enough to feel a bit crappy if you feel you’re being criticised.] I was quite depressed and the night did not end on a high note. In fact, I worried & was very moody all day today. I wonder why he never calls me and other things like that. Does he really care? How much does he care? There was a girl he talked to a lot whom I thought was [privacy omission] The girl he used to “love”. I worry too much. [Ya think? At least you’re aware of it…] I watched TV mostly read children’s literature to stop thinking. [Possibly why I love movies and books to this day: healthier forms of escapism than, say, drugs…] Beka rang then came over And I rang Fi tonight. She makes so much sense. I wish I had her attitudes to life. [I clearly didn’t have a clue back then that you could train your ‘attitudes’…] SO HOT 2DAY Is 10:05 GOT ABOUT 5HRS SLEEP THIS MORNING ∼5 till 10

Friday 16/1/87

Today I immersed myself in fiction again, but watching a bit more TV as well (who says that’s not fiction?) of course it is. [Oooh, some premature wisdom there!] My appetite was small I was surprised. [Stress can kill appetite] It was very hot. I was very tired. We went to see Nana in the afternoon. I ate 2 icecreams on the way home. [Emotional eating. Food as a crutch.] I feel and look slimmer, concerning my stomach. All I need is to exercise. My diet’s OK. (I mean concerning Kj intake – not nutrients) [At least I was aware of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ food and the notion of ’empty calories’] I need to burn my energy a bit faster. I think a little about Mark. I am not so worried anymore (superficially that is – I worry, deep inside, all the time. [Fantastic! Chronic Stress. The thing that underlies the majority of illnesses and even death.] More so, now) If I rang, what would I say? We must get in contact again before school or things could change (for worse.. ) I should send him the tape of me. Maybe letters are the best. I’m chicken (at the moment) to ring him & he will not willingly ring me. [Good god, I wish I could shake my young self! How useful the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” could have been back then…] I wish I could be sure he felt a lot for me. I hope he does. [10:00]

Saturday 17/7/87

Today I ate and watched TV. Nothing unsusal or exciting. Late this afternoon & right on through till now I have been going through the section on classical mythology in the Pear’s cyclopaedia getting all the ‘gods’. Haven’t finished yet. But today was hot & boring. Julia tried to get me on tape, but I resisted & she got shitty with me. [Sweet little sister; trying to propagate my potential relationship by fulfilling my ‘suitor’s’ wish… and promptly cracking the shits when I fail to comply…] God it’s hot!! Didn’t, obviously go to work today. Gonna listen to the radio again for as long as I wish – I can sleep in – – we hang towels over our louvres so our rooms are dark in the mornings – works well – I woke about 9:15 this morning! Did you know I’m in Greek myth? (Actually, yes: I have related this little tale (although with different details) in a previous post: click here if you’d like to re-visit it.] Elissa (Dido) daughter of a King [of “Tyre”] 2 stories – but in both I commit suicide. Nice, huh? Maybe I should do just that. [Wow, heavy.] I keep wondering about Mark. Want to, but don’t want to ring him. He is so gorgeous. I love him, do I? [???] 10:00

Sunday 18/1/87

I finished “gods” research in classical myth. And read about the Zodiac signs as much as possible. Otherwise for the rest of the day (most of it), I listened to the radio & watched cricket – Australia actually won! Jules & I were freaking every time they got one [a batter, I assume] out! Rang Fi tonight – she can’t do anything tomorrow – going to town with her mum. Also rang Mrs P – she wasn’t certain, but Monique’s coming home on the 25th; she rang me right after! [we definitely shared some freaky incidents, that girl and I…] From Brissy! She’s coming back with Cameron! Believe it or not the one who’s s’posed to hate her. I didn’t ring Mark. I might tomorrow night – saying I’m going crazy with boredom. Tomorrow tho’, we’re going to “book” Jules in .. I think. [And “I think” this referred to her moving to Cairns High. She’d witnessed the changes that the switch to ‘CHS’ had brought me, so followed suit in the hope that her life would change ‘for the better’ too.] Boy it’s hot. Woke early this morning to a downpour. Got a sprinkle this arvy ‘n’ that was it. Crikey gee! Hangin’ out for a letter from MW tomorrow. Hope 10:25

Dreadlocks, Attention Deficits & A Big Night Out (29 September-5 October)

Published on September 29, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 29/9/86

Did some art research; was rather fruitless, actually. Started a chem prac too. But that was it. I am very guilty – firstly about still not ringing Ms Marsland to find out whose [retailers in the city centre] windows we are decorating [for Fun In the Sun festival] and secondly, that I have not done ½ or even ¼ the amount of work I need to have completed before the end of the holidays. 3rdly – I ate one hell of a lot today – must lose weight. Mark, I think, was in my dream last night and, I think, the night before. I wonder if all his ‘appearances’ in my dreams lately have any relation to real life – I hope so – that its good. [A superstitious hope! I’ve come to believe that dreams are simply your subconscious’ method of processing & sorting the day’s thoughts, feelings & experiences. Simple. No prophetic value.] I really think (I’m hoping that) I’ll have a chance. He did care for me (a lot more than any other girl) once … I know. I think I know.. certain things point to it. [It’s nice to see my thoughts are not perpetually negative…] I watched TV, mucked around, ate, sang, listened to music and… bored, guilty Is 11:05. Nite!!

Tuesday 30/9/86

Today I did 2 chemistry pracs (well, 1½) and updated my school diary [decorating my diaries was an artistic habit I’d developed]. That’s about it. Aside from that I called Monique about Ms Marsland; she said there was no need to worry – Mrs Marsland didn’t even know what we were doing last week; she said (Michelle W told her) that Mrs Marsland wanted us to ring her in the last week anyway. Great. I watched no TV, but listened to music & tied my hair up in scarves. At first I attached 1 to my (tiny) piggy tail, then 2, then 4 then tonight I got big ones & plaited them – really long ‘dreadlocks’ looked excellent. [Hmm, interesting… considering dreadlocks don’t actually appeal to me…] Also mima & Brent came round in Brent’s mum’s car! (Brent driving) Wo! Funny!! I’m staying at Monique’s tomorrow night. (going to the beach with her tomorrow) & we’re going out. Gonna meet [privacy omission] etc at Croc. Rock. Dunno what time. Rage I will. [Yoda you be?!] 9:55. Mum’s birthday tomorrow & I forgot COMPLETELY. What am I going to do? Poor mum; I’m so terrible to her. [I always felt that mum “lived for” me and my sister, so I guess it’s almost ‘natural’ to feel bad about ‘forgetting’ her – she had never forgotten us. In this way, no one ever made me better aware of my selfishness or self-centredness – without doing or saying anything – than she.]

Wednesday 1/10/86

Woken up by Julia at 6:55, But too late mum had made her bed & had brekky. I made a card, [I only realised how much these little things meant to her when I found a bundle of them amongst her things after she passed away a couple of years ago] then packed for Monique’s and the beach. Felt guilty about being away on mum’s birthday. [There it is again – I can hear my thoughts now: “You’re a bad daughter not giving up some time for her when she does so much for you”] She dropped me to monique’s. Caught the beach bus (driver revved us about sitting – couldn’t see us) Had a rather good time – got burnt on shoulders & back – arms too. Not badly. Saw lotsa spunks – one group ‘taken’, another group (Martin G) too old & the other: alright! Alex L & 3 other guys. the one in the yellow singlet mmm! Looked at me!! Caught bus back to Gumtree corner – started walking home but Mrs P got us! Got ready about 8:00 onwards (slowly) Fi said they’d sneak out be there 11:00-11:30 Lucy not allowed at all. We went at 10:45. Martin G said they were coming 12:00-12:30. We saw Travers (not many people I knew AT ALL) Packed tho!! went outside & inside lots. saw Mark & Keith. Barely said anything it’s obvious he doesn’t like me. Finally Fi & jay came. Jay got in – Fi tried 4 times. Couldn’t get in. [Continued on the next page of the diary…]

Thursday 2/10/86

… Fi, AnneMarie, Travers, Leanne, Judy went to Nighthawkes. Said they’d be back 2:30(. Monique didn’t want to go cos she told her mum she would be at Croc. Rock.)[Wow, her mum KNEW we were going ‘Out’?] so Jay her & I went in Smithy’s bar and had couple drinks when we came out Mark & Keith were gone. Waited & waited [for Fiona & Mima]. Decided at 3:15 to catch a cab & ring Anne-Marie’s place. Went there, but AnneMarie & them weren’t there. Left at 4:05 – Fi couldn’t go to AnneM.’s anyway = had to be home by 4 that morning. Got 6hrs sleep. at 10:45 Fi rang wanted to know if we’d like to go to the movies with her. (Monique said) we wouldn’t make it. When asked her how night was she wouldn’t answer- kept changing the subject. I assumed she’d got with Mark…I was so depressed. [Haha, talk about jumping to conclusions! Of ALL things, and ALL people!] But in town at 2:00, met her. She said her mum was there & she couldn’t talk about it. What they did was at 2:40, realised were late & got finally back to Croc Rock at 3:30 10MINS after we’d left. SHIT. Stayed there – then got home 4:45 (umah!) Walked to Coxen Chem. on way saw: Mark & Keith. Hoped didn’t see me. Am trying to give up on him. Got $50 [from dad] for mum (dad wasn’t there tho [so who gave it to me?]) & walked up town saw Jules. said mum cried cos I wasn’t there on her birthday & dad too – didn’t even call her. [Ah, so my thoughts weren’t far from the mark: my Guilt was justified] Really upset so out of town money [that is, my own] bought a red rose. Gave to her with $50. Is 9:55. Assignments tomorrow. Glad to be home. Am really depressed inside. Last 2 days were a total waste. [Really?] Had no fun at Croc Rock at all. Oh Mark. [Oh, Gawd]

Friday 3/10/86

Tried to do my work today. Got more of the same english assignment (I’ve been doing for months) down, but that was it. I watched a little TV, but spent most time trying to finish the assignment. Beka rang & I said I’d ring back cos I didn’t know still, whether to go or not due to my work. In fact, I rang Fi to see if they were going out. No. So I rang back Beka & told her I’d go. [Huh?] After cleaning my room, got ready. Went in around 6:10, walked round. Jay gave us a free gelati to share. (I had had no dinner and no money to buy any) saw TOP GUN again (with summer rental) EXCELLENT. Saw Peter H – was hoping (was I?) that Phillip was there – don’t think so. So that’s all. Found out also that [privacy omission here] aren’t going out saturday night either. So a boring end to the holidays. And I still have not completed the work needed to do. Is 12:30. Better get some sleep.

[The following is a tad confusing, but what basically happened (below) is that I forgot to write my entry on Saturday and just ploughed ahead on Sunday night, without realising that I had missed Saturday altogether and was writing in the ‘wrong space’. Did a quick ‘recap’ for Saturday on Sunday’s page…]

Saturday 4/10/86

School tomorrow. And I have done none of the english I had to do. I am in BIG trouble. BIG BIG trouble. My own foolish, stupid fault. Woke around 8:15. Played monopoly with Beka & Lucy till they both left around 1030-11:30. the the James Hardie 1000 had started and I got interested in that. [Car racing I have NO time for now, and I believe the only reason I got ‘into it’ back then was a product of Sentimentality: reminiscent of the period in my life when Dad was still living with us, before my parents split. He tuned into the race every year, so watching or even just hearing it could trigger a range of thoughts & feelings] And Petra came over. And so I got nothing done. I am watching the movie now. (Wierd – (all that jazz)) should be asleep so I can wake early and finish my assignment. In a way I’m glad to go back to school. The only thing(s) wrong with it are (i) the work and (ii) I have to see Mark every day. I could forget about him (well, more than possible) on holidays cos he’s out of my sight (outa sight, outa mind) Is 10:20. How much longer’s this movie gonna be? Why do I have to go back and see Mark? Why? It’ll wreck my start (start in forgetting him)

Sunday 5/10/86

Hey! I did this yesterday and forgot to do yesterday!

4th Sat: Did nothing all day – ate. Luc came round. She, Beka, me & Jules went to Pancake House for tea (got finished early & walked around town) came home at 10:30. Played Triv. Pursuit → mum & Geoff came home midnight. Got to bed about 1:30

Eyeshadow, Music Videos & the Clubbing Fail (23-29 June)

Published on June 23, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 23/6/86

Boring! Boring! Boring! I ate and watched TV. And that was about it. I also got my haircut and love it! All the long bits are cut off! I have a very short bob and the right side is layered short – blending into the bob [making it the true ‘asymmetrical’ style that was the 80’s]. The very first hairstyle I’ve ever been completely happy with! Jeez, I’m gonna be a Norm if I keep this up→ Watchin TV & eating Boring. [“Norm” for those who don’t know, was an animated character – representative of the ‘normal’ Aussie bloke – central to the governments’ physical activity campaign “Life. Be in it.” which ran for many years, attempting to educate the Australian public and encourage changing to healthier lifestyle habits.] M.M.MM Mark! Can’t wait to see him again!! Talked to Petra (she came over) she thinks he’s spunk too. Mrs W also came over to pick up Sharon’s bike HOW BORING!! 9:30 Gotta hava shower yet. Gord!!

Tuesday 24/6/86

Today, after a lot of phone calls, it was decided we’d go to town (some people had specific things to do) and also see “Crocodile Dundee”. Was a great day! Beka, fi, Mima, lucy & me (And Brent sometimes too) walked around and had fun. I walked down to dad and got $90 for schoolbag, jumper & 2 shirts. (But didn’t buy any thing after all cos I couldn’t find anything I particularly liked.) Croc. Dund. was fabulous (again!) for everyone except fi (& Brent I think) it was the 2nd or 3rd time!! Kept hoping Mark’d pop up from nowhere. But it remained→ a hope. Went to Lucy’s after. (mima, Fi & I) to discuss tomorrow nite. We’re staying over – Mr W shouting us to dinner→ we’re gonna sneak out to Crocodile Rock!!! [A popular nightclub in Cairns that was strangely not even located in the CBD, but in a heritage building – called the House on the Hill – in the suburb of Mooroobool.] Ragey!! Hope Mark’ll be there!! Is 9:13

Wednesday 25/6/86

Boring until nighttime!! Made a new glass bead bracelet, watched a bit of TV, visited Lucy and got excited!! Went to Lucy’s again around 5:30. Got hair fixed. Looked great but felt like straw!! [That means there was an abundance of gel used…] Then started make-up when mima, fi & Beka came. They looked so much better than me (not more grown-up just prettier – better clothed etc) Rushed round. Down at Freshy Connection [the local ‘Kuranda Scenic Rail’ station, which includes a restaurant in which you dine in 85 year old ‘retired’ train carriages] we laughed and carried on in our carriage (had wine & mim & I had Kalua & milk) Caught a taxi after (all packing it) [the phrase “packing it” means “really nervous” – similar the phrase “packing shit” which relates to being ‘scared shitless’!!] But the guy at the entrance knew we were only ‘kids’ still we filled in forms [in those days if you didn’t have any ID, you simply filled in something like a statutory declaration before entering the establishment. Too easy.] with false names and addresses [that’s exactly what everyone did, and most likely the reason why it was abandoned eventually] and let us in…. there were only 11 people in there!! Martin G

[….here I had crossed over onto the next page (Thursday’s entry) in order to continue my story. This happened a lot in the future, when I didn’t fill out my diary until some time later – usually the next day – and had so much to tell…]

Thursday 26/6/86

said most had chosen Nighthawkes that night so when we were waiting for him & his (cute) friend to finish their drinks & take us there – up comes Mr W!! God help us!! [Hahahahahaha, That was SO funny. We were MORTIFIED!] He hadn’t told any parents but had been thinking ’bout it & decided he couldn’t take the responsibility in case we were found out. [He had knowingly allowed us to go in the first place] So we had to go. SHIT. Back at Lucy’s, we brooded about it, & stayed up till Brent and Martin G came over. (Told us how packed Nighthawkes was) upset us more, then we all stayed up til 3:30, talked, walked and sat on the gutter huddled up against the cold. Then we woke at 10:45 this morning & got out of bed at 3:00 to go grocery shopping with Jane & Lucy at Coles. Stayed at Lucy’s for tea then went to mima’s. Slept there (got to sleep around 1:30) Watched rock videos Ha! Ha!

Friday 27/6/86

Woke late again today, but not like yesterday! About 9:00 this morning I think. We watched music videos this morning after fully waking up. Lucy left early then after cleaning up, mima fi & I went home, when Justine turned up SHIT!! What the hell could I do? I talked (trying to lie about what I’d done (well, not try)) [I’m amazed that I felt I had to lie. Upon reflection, I wonder if it was because I so often felt left out of things myself, that I just assumed others felt the same too, and I couldn’t bear to hurt their feelings so chose to cover it up instead? Hmmm. I’ve definitely matured in this regard] Jemima & Fi went home and I went to town with Justine – it was boring. Saw Becca G & Anne Marie → they said Brizzy trip was a rage. Saw mima (didn’t see me) so I went home around 6:00. Fi & mima rang mark today while I was talking to Justine!! Shame! But he wasn’t home. I’m also doubting a bit→ could Greg have lied about Mark?? Hope not. And what does Steven B know? About 9:00?? [this last question is unrelated to the others – I would have been trying to guesstimate the time it was]

Saturday 28/6/86

Boring Boring Boring!!!! I spent the day at home. But thank goodness I didn’t eat so much!! I lazed around – bored shitless. Got over 9½hrs sleep last night – but will take more than that to get rid of these bags under my eyes!! Geoff, mum, Fi & I went to Drive In to see Police Academy 3. Was “fair” not as good as the others. Fi & I talked on the way home. she’s not sure but thinks Mark does like me ie: Greg told the truth (there are so many factors that point to that) Also said she’d try’n’ask Steven what he knows. Is 11:03. Sleep in tomorrow (my last time!) Also went shopping this morning. Got a grey shirt!! Hoping to bleach or fade it. And also make-up kit with blush & eyeshadow Green pink purple yellow brown blue white & dark grey UNREAL!! (Haven’t done a scrap of speech HW these holidays) UMAH

Sunday 29/6/86

Well, school tomorrow. I’m a bit nervous believe it or not. Today went rather slowly… it was boring too. I didn’t eat very much but what it was, I ate a lot of. No! I mean what I ate was fattening (and sickening) Oh dear me! It was so boring today that I have nothing to say. Nana came over. Julia (who spent last night with dad) was at work today. Is 10:16 → Trail of the Pink Panther will be finished soon. I can’t watch it – it’s too boring cos Peter Sellers isn’t in it anymore. I s’pose I’m also tired & kinda nervous about tomorrow. After all I haven’t been to school (& seen Mark) for 2 weeks …..