infatuation – Page 2 – A Life in Words

Friendship Feelings, A Debut Drive & A Rotting Rodent (6-12 April)

Published on April 6, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 6/4/87

A Life in Words — duotone doodle of Monique from a photo

I’m a glutton for punishment; it’s 10:45 – another late night & worse still; I did absolutely no HW again today & I have a frigging maths exam tomorrow. Can you believe it? I’m a total dickhead! [No, just a brilliant procrastinator] (Read my ’86 diary tonight getting frustrated like finding out things like – me knowing Monique 8 months ..hanging round her for ≈5 months & only 4 months of true [best] friendship. It isn’t fair… why her? Why this year? [The ultimate, unanswerable questions…] Good day with Mark. Fiona & Jemima are closer now. And I’m left out in the open I think Jemima doesn’t like me too much – wants to be my “best friend too” (that letter) [During my first week back at school, she gave me a letter about Monique. I didn’t actually say much about it in my diary entry other than “I cried” so I won’t include a link back to it. It was on Wednesday 18 March if you’re really keen to take a look…] HUH! What laugh – they do everything together & leave me out. . I don’t mind tho’ I spent the whole day with Mark & hopefully will do the for the rest of the year (see, they both went home at little lunch) who needs friends? I need Monique. She was the best MONIQUE FOREVER. Mark loves me (I mean [privacy omission] – this song by Cameo – he thinks is perfect for me “Candy” – so that’s my name now!” [Suffice to say this became one of my favourite songs. I still like it, but OMG the video… quintessential 80’s… ugh, those outfits!]

Tuesday 7/4/87

Mark told me (on the phone tonight) for the 2nd time ever “I love you” – I’ve said it countless (!!) [What, it’s a competition?] Nah, about 4 I think, or 5. […but still keeping count…] Today started off shaky .. barely talked to him before school & during bio (little lunch was O.K!!) & most of big lunch it was “wierd” – picking on me (I think!) I rang him & we talked about little in particular …oh, I love him so much. Friday night is Glyn’s party, now .. mima & I are goin’ to do something (as both our boyfriends are going to the “stag” party (!!)) (Lord knows what!) […talk about fickle friendships!] Anyway he’ll be at that & on Saturday night he’s working & Sunday leaving from Bramston Beach till Thursday. (I’m not going to school tomorrow – cross country) BOO HOO! I won’t get to spend any time with him! Aaargh – I’ll die [uh huh] Maths exam – big laugh (not really- I couldn’t do anything practically) Bio & english yesterday 56/80 and 6½/10 respectively→ so surprising! I was sure I’d fail (First “fine” day in days today! Still cool tho’.) Love you mark. started writing back to Tania today

Wednesday 8/4/87

What a wasted day- I stayed home from the cross country to “do chemistry study” (I wrote to Tania & Lucy, sunbaked – got burnt & listened to music. WASTED DAY) Julia deliberately missed the bus, after mum left, Mr H came over around 2:30 & put up the pelments [read: pelmets – the framework above windows, used to conceal curtaining fixtures] – the ones in my room (& Julia’s) are too big – for our long louvres. (Yukky) When mum came home, I WENT FOR A DRIVE!!! Was so much fun! Unreal! (Tho I almost drove into Sandra’s car!!) [I vividly recall this: hitting the wrong pedal and speeding up suddenly toward our neighbour’s car as I was meant to be turning into our driveway. Luckily I found the brake in time. What a rush.] my problem is getting co-ordinated – the pedals & gears. Steering’s easiest (tho’ not easy – understand?) [Ok, this I need to explain: the ‘power steering’ that is now standard in all vehicles didn’t feature in the 1979 Toyota Corolla in which I was learning to drive. Those of you who were ‘lucky’ enough to experience driving vehicles without this smooth steering mechanism, will understand why I thought steering wasn’t quite the easiest thing to do. Without this creature comfort, kids, you literally had to wrench the steering wheel to make sharp turns. Upper body strength required!] Oh I’m tired .. man we have bad luck – hot water system broke down & we have a rat (or a very big mouse) in the house. I’m busting to go to the loo. It was a ‘nice’ phone call tonight – he was being more “understanding’ I think. A tease, yes, but being “gentler”. Hottish day! (only in the sun, that is) wonder how the cross-country run went? I’ll fail chem tomorrow. Haven’t studied at all. I AM STUPID. No- I’ve just lost interest in school – I just don’t care anymore. [Good correction there, Liss]

Thursday 9/4/87

The doctor wasn’t as overly excited about the progress of my leg as I thought he would be. [It’s funny how the attitude of a ‘professional’ (a superior, an elder) can affect you. There’s no doubt I’d’ve left that appointment somewhat deflated.] I missed biology & didn’t talk very much at all to Mark in maths. Chemistry exam I failed ..I really have lost all interest in school. At big lunch, Mark & I were more affectionate than ever – we both talked a fair bit (seriously) about life. He feels much the same as me . . nothing excites him anymore – wants a big change to happen so he can get on with life – the crash & its effects haunt him, too… feels, like me, that the crash spoilt possibly the best year of our lives ..definitely I agree. [So, I have to wonder… how many others felt exactly the same?] I also talked about my lack of friends – that’s also bothering me a lot. He seems more understanding lately. & gentle. I love that. Boring day- didn’t see jemima or Fiona after chem..probly left together again – I know they went late night shopping together – tried to ring them. Mark also went with Keith. I couldn’t get his chain [for his up-coming birthday] today, damn. Practised gears & clutch in the (stationary) car this arvy. FUN. Haven’t done english assignment -am not going to go to school tomorrow (Am so tired) Mark won’t be there – is going to the beach with Steven. Who knows about mima & fi they wouldn’t take me anywhere anyway [I’d always perceived I’d been more bitter about their exclusive friendship when I was younger, but I’m sensing some intensity here…]

Friday 10/4/87

Boring day, indeed. I didn’t do my english assignment. After Mr. H came to fix the pelments, we left for town. I finally chose a silver-plated fob chain ($31), but now I think it’ll be a bit too short for his thick neck. [Masculine thickness, of course …not fat!] Oh well. [I know it doesn’t sound much, but $31 was a fair bit to spend back in those days…especially considering we weren’t financially ‘comfortable’. Forgive my ignorance, but I have no idea how that would compare price-wise to silver plated jewellery today; does anyone even buy silver-plated stuff anymore?] That’s another thing . . I’m missing him already. Am planning (if he doesn’t ring me first) to ring him & provided he’s not “dead” from tonight’s “party” at Cameron’s, will see if he’d like to do something. I so badly want to see him before he goes. We saw Nana today – feel so sorry for her – I hope she dies soon & I don’t mean that cruelly. I want her to be with God; feeling no pain. [She suffered brutally with rheumatoid arthritis. I wasn’t aware if there were any other underlying health issues contributing to her ill-health – Cancer was definitely never mentioned – but she had been a long term smoker.] Hottish weather. Is rainy (finally!) again tonight. Beka came over this arvy . . talked for yonks- I haven’t got her anything – her birthday tomorrow & I forgot completely. (till this arvy!) Mark, I miss you already. The mice or rats are getting in still: running along the beams on the roof. SHIT I hate them. Think I have another ringworm starting – back of right leg – near my scarring. Oh no. Wanna get brown these holidays- tan around my scars etc. 8:45 early night * * But I’m waking at 11:30pm to listen to the 4CCR Party Nite music

Saturday 11/4/87

Woke rather early.. boring-ish day ..I watched TV, covered my books & watered the plants. I ate heaps too. Went for another drive today! Much better than the last time. . but still not quite perfect. Lucy rang after I rang Mark … had a longish talk to her Hope to see her Mon &/or Tuesday. Listened to approx. 1¾hrs of the 4CCR Party thing – stupid (didn’t know any of the music last night. Watched Countdown [yeah, that commercial stuff was more ‘me’!] after Lucy rang, then quickly got ready to go to Mark’s. A little late – everybody gone [?] & pizza man just delivered dinner- when I arrived. We watched TV mucking round- tickling mostly a few little kisses. After the TV movie, though, we got ‘down’ to business [Nope, still not what you think…]. . then mum came (dammit!) He said he’d ring & perhaps write (which means yes) Sandra was there quickly, earlier – I showed her & her (2) friends my leg- yukkypoo! Mum’s complaining about a smell (I can’t smell it) But thinks it’s the rat – no more scuffling noises. My blinds are up now. WOW! It’s 12:10.. gonna listen to 4CCR [Um, why? You’ve just said you didn’t enjoy it on the previous night… oh how much more beneficial sleep would be for you!] -in love with M.

Sunday 12/4/87

4CCR was better this week, [touché] but I had to turn off- I was so tired. Woke just after (or before?) 8:00 did nothing – the stench of the rat is strong now. Yuck. Danced to music before going to airport . . [to collect our cousins] Jodie, Michael & Auntie Hilary unpacked- Nana came over. A waste of an afternoon – they bought us [Royal Easter Show] show bags [from Sydney – their home] (I’ve eaten heaps already!) I ate & just lazed around. . . Boring! (Thought about Mark lots … his kisses last night were so beautiful – tender, romantic. Yummy. I love him, I’m sure.) Beka rang – I’m going to town with her & Lucy tomorrow- Jodie, Mike & Jules can come, but they don’t have to if they don’t want to. Oh, Mark I can’t stop thinking about you. Late-ish night – it’s 9:40. Gotta catch 9:00 train. (Big mess cleaning up Nana’s clothes this arvy – they found the rat full of maggots. Yuk. [Now this is confusing. My recollection of finding the dead rat was that it was wedged (of all places) between a ceiling beam and the roof insulation in a corner of MY bedroom. Perhaps this was a different dead rat scenario, one that obliterated my memory of this vom-fest in my grandmother’s clothes? Oh and just to clarify, I expect that we are talking about a garbage bag of my Nana’s stored/unused clothing rather than that which she happened to be currently wearing.] Windy cool & sometimes overcast today. J & M are hot at the moment. Can you believe ….?? [They hail from a place 2,500klms south of the tropics Liss… yes, I can.] Feel like a full, fat pig!

The Seniors Induction & Emotional Rollercoaster Lows (23-29 March)

Published on March 23, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 23/3/87

Mr Perrem came over this arvy.. stayed for tea. He is very upset still- it’s obvious. He was upset. Said every time he saw me, Monique was with me & told me how she went straight to the phone when she got back from Brissy & was disappointed that I wasn’t home. It was quite sad – but I only cried once. [It’s so good to know that I was important to her: it’s always nice to receive substantiation from highly reliable sources, isn’t it?] Got no HW done consequently. Day at school started off good- Mark gave me a baby picture of him – chubby chops!! (cutey!) 6 months old. Didn’t show many people my leg. Good muck around day. Till after school- – Megan said “Did you hear about what happened Friday night?” I said “What?” – She wouldn’t tell me …then ..Steven & Glyn whispered something. I got all shitty – Mark must’ve done something Friday night .. with [privacy omission](??) BITCH. I calmed down after after school. . it’s his loss.. I couldn’t be bothered ringing him & arguing .. I’ll ask tomorrow. He’s the one who has to live with the guilt if he’s lying to me. But I know he loves me. I cannot understand you, Mark W. YOU’RE WIERD. [I consistently spelled this word wrong!]

Tuesday 24/3/87

Terrible day. I was preoccupied with my dilemma.. I was a bit vindictive at little lunch- juice (popper) fight. During double biology ..Mark got “picked on” by our teacher .. got shitty after that & I was afraid to talk to him all during big lunch, and after school however 7th period, chem; cameron “told” me he didn’t do anything with [privacy omission]. Megan the rumour-spreading liar [I discovered who was actually being truthful eventually… many, many years later…] I felt embarrassed to have worried at the start. So wrote him a note. Cameron gave it to him.. but he didn’t wave when we “honked” on the way home. & no phone call tonight. Hope everything’s O.K. for tomorrow. Justine came round this arvy. Brent tonite for Fi’s chem book. shame! I’d just gotten out of the shower. must wake early tomorrow -lots to do. Jeez I hope Mark talks to me tomorrow. So tired! 9:30 Uh!

Wednesday 25/3/87

A terrible day; really horrible …he ignored & avoided me. I was so upset at times… watery eyes. I must’ve pissed off so many people with my mood. In bio he sat at the other end of the bench with Chris (me on my own) & they were saying some pretty terrible things. C: “W, who’re you taking to the formal?” M: “I dunno.” GREAT!! [sounds quite like a contrived conversation?] It got worse this arvy. Fi & Jussy & I helped prepare for the BBQ ..in recreation time – went to Jussy’s to get ready – mima too. They’d [the boys, I assume?] been to the Esplanade.. came around 5:00-5:30. Ignored me ..finally…took me away by the hand…explaining his friends need him ’cause they’re all only just realising about the crash now- upset etc – sorry to “neglect” me ..said he really needs me (thought I was shitty with him.) Ha! Everything’s normal! [Yep… back to your normal gullible self!] – we talked ..we have a “communication problem” & need to “spend some time 2gether alone to fix it.” No HW done – bags under my eyes are disgusting!! Stood up too much today – knees sore. I ran today, too (not fast – not for long) LOVE YOU M&M. [I think M&M meant Monique and Mark]

Thursday 26/3/87

Hung round a fair bit till ½ way through big lunch- he was mucking around telling me not to go near him, talk to him, touch I’m or look at him. But he got too serious for me. [Here we go again…] And now I’m upset. I can’t believe we “fix” it up then something happens again, to break it down. It’s all the other people [oh really?] – we get on better, totally alone. [Well, that’s functional and realistic…] Rainy today ..cool, beautiful. That’s upsetting (not the weather) about Mark, I mean – he’s so nice at times. I need an early night – almost 9:30 now _ I started a new canvas in art – did chemistry HW this arvy. Am in dire straits, concerning work. I’m not going to do well at all – I don’t know anything .. it’s terrible. [Mum could never have afforded tuition for me, but I probably wouldn’t’ve wanted it being the proud perfectionist I was. Little did I know however, that the entire first term of year 12 was to be excluded from the consideration of my overall achievement for the year, and in fact, my final score was primarily weighted on the second semester alone …thanks to the accident…] Leg’s O.K. getting better slowly, but quickly – swelling no less. Dunno about my hair. I’d like to grow it but everyone thinks it’s better short (mark wants it that way) SHIT can’t we get it right?? [I clearly didn’t know back then that it wasn’t possible to change people…]

Friday 27/3/87

Brent, Glyn, Cameron, Jason (P.) & Mark were away ..at volleyball or baseball trials. All got there in time for the induction, however. Rainy & cold (mostly) today .. double english was boring- Nigel & I mucked ’round Mr Grossetti sprung me with bubble gum! “Raced” (ran!!) to art … boring day – painting in art. Induction practise. Was chaotic!! Carrying chairs from the library to the hall! Mark, Cameron & Glyn came just in time. Didn’t see much of them. He’s ignoring me again – shitty. Probably thinks I’m shitty with him. It’s NOT FAIR. WHY, WHY can’t we get along normally?? I love him so much. I wish he’d ring me, apologise & take me out. somewhere. I want so badly to be with him. Stop hurting me, Mark. PLEASE. Love me. [This is so cringeworthy! It is actually ‘painful’ to now see so clearly the poor choices I made, and not even in the ‘name of love’ but simply pure, unadulterated naiveté. Desperately wanting this particular male specimen to be my Ideal, meet all MY expectations… oh I had so much to learn!] Induction – slow & boring, but Edith & I had a laughing fit, though. talking to lotsa people – Mrs B, Cameron’s mum, Mrs K, Mr Roff, at the afternoon tea afterwards. [To be honest, I don’t remember this occasion at all. It’s a formal school tradition, observed annually with each fresh new batch of Year 12’s.]

Saturday 28/3/87

I rang him. It was not a very good call at all..he’s “thinking over” tomorrow & on Monday will tell his decision .. whether we keep going out or not. [You can’t make any decisions, Liss? Beautifully set up for a weekend full of Anxiety…] From what I gather, he is very puzzled as to why I don’t come up to him during school time etc. I said I’m scared ..self conscious [fearing reactions, maybe?] – something he can’t understand. I’m so distressed… if we have another arguement after this that will be the end, for sure Oh, I’m so worried & upset .. I wish we could be on holidays & spend each day together, alone. That’s the best. (Today I slept in late. Did little HW, mucked ’round most of the day – watching TV, eating! Mrs R (Nola) came round tonight – had in depth talks about death, eternity & everything. Julia’s at the movies) Got good night’s sleep last night – 9½hrs at least. Rang Fi (before Mark) she tried to help, but I still was apprehensive about calling. It’s 11:25. Am tired, mate!

Sunday 29/3/87

Jeez, I’m nervous. Not too much, but still, I’ll get worse, I know. I have a feeling everything will work out, but I’m still a little worried .. in case it is, by some very slight chance “NO” ..or after it, we have yet another disagreement & that decides it .. we’re through. (I studied bio today – not much (only 1st Ch.) and also went for a swim at Justine’s this arvy – she wasn’t home ..Mrs McP & mum chatted. Otherwise stuffed around) But I woke around 9:30 this morning 9½hrs sleep!! Wow! The day went rather slowly – rainy & sunny – wierd weather. Should have an early night – try to relax ..everything will be fine. I rang Fi & told her- she couldn’t really say much to make me understand him or me. Crikey, I hope it’s O.K. I’ve got to try harder than ever. [Try harder at what?] 8:50 – listening to Take 40 I’ve lost weight for sure – my legs look so slim I must buy high-cut togs – they’d suit me better.

Leadership Camp, Day Three (3 February)

Published on February 3, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Tuesday 3/2/87

I kind of ignored him today. After the 1st group session – group dynamics, he walked past me. I didn’t react in any way. I didn’t think he wanted to see me. Bush dancing was next. I had a swim after that. A really long one. He came up to me finally. We talked about it . . he said most beautiful, caring things. I’m sure they’re true. We kissed, yes, near the yacht. [I vaguely recall that small yacht anchored in the dam] (mima, Brent & Glyn saw us) After adventure walk, we, or I swam quickly again to get clean. My ringworm is drying & scabbing – my feet are absolutely covered in blisters and my colds not gone yet. [I completely forgot I’d had a ringworm. I think it’s the only one I’ve ever had in my life, too. It’s somewhat ironic that I was suffering so many ‘minor’ ailments considering what was about to befall us in less than 24 hours’ time.] We had the concert, for which we sat together, Mark hugging me. We got those “warm fuzzies” that we wrote about people back – when I didn’t [get any warm fuzzies] Mark whispered about 10 in my ear [privacy omission]. The concert was great entertainment. So funny then there were “awards” after it. That was funny too. Mark & I [privacy omission] went inside our tent. I spent the next hour or so completely elated. [OMG, what is this? Mills & Boon? FYI, is still not what y’all think either…] we ate a bit before we finally crashed. (when? I don’t even have a clue!)

[Part of the text on this page in the scrapbook has begun to fade, mostly because of the colour I chose to write in…]

during the night last night, jemima woke .. sick & sick still this morning .. we assumed it was the dip she ate last night. [But no one else was sick?] After breakfast time (& a swim!!!!) we assembled to find out what activities we were doing next. Jemima was allowed to sit out of her first two activities. We did “group dynamics” ..another basic get-to-know-each-other exercise + ‘trust’ activities.. being led blindfolded by a partner around the camp for example. After our break, we did bushdancing .. that was .. hmm .. funny (a scream!) At lunch time today, I had a very long swim .. much longer than usual .. (my cold is still there, but not quite as bad.) Adventure walk was the last activity & I thought the best. Exercises to do with balance & co-ordination and strength→ great fun! […and I end up teaching this kind of stuff to people 20 years later…] (Minus the pain of blisters & sunburn) After that I ‘dipped’ quickly to wash off mud while Erica & Monique washed their hair After dinner break, were called for an (earlier) assembly. First we were “lectured” about leadership & those responsibilities etc, but afterwards, the “warm fuzzies” (written by each & every person, for each & every person) were handed out. (However, some people (me for example) didn’t get them because the people who’d written them (or supposed to have written them) didn’t hand them in (or forgot to, like Trina for example)) After this there was a short break when concert entries prepared (or began to prepare) for their items. Then came the awards . . Monique got one for the ‘most pitiful expression’ (the ‘feel sorry for me’ look) [I have absolutely no recollection of that at all] . . [privacy omission] (along with Jody & Lee-anne) for the inseparable couple . . and Mark & Steven the ‘camp scabs’. (To name a few) Finally the concert began and it was quite funny. The first item was a fashion parade (of, of course, the oldest & most daggy clothes) then others followed. . Mark M’s (winning) impersonations, [ha! “winning”! Eatcha heart out, Charlie Sheen] Jody K’s Kiwi warcry [the ‘Haka’] & a few other ‘singular’ & group efforts. This was the best night . . people (surprisingly) had rather early nights .. generally turning out lights & getting shut-eye when the authorities asked. Of course.. the last night & day are usually always the best anyway.

Six Sea Shells, Water Fights & ‘Hopeless Devotion’ (20-26 October)

Published on October 20, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 20/10/86

I saw him (properly) once. And he smiled (I don’t know if it was to me but) he was looking at me at the same time. And keith was friendly enough – more so than Mark – but that’s just natural. I spent 3rd, little lunch, 4th, 5th & big lunch in the art room. My picture’s complete but I hate it. It’s boring. It needs something different. I hate it & I left my theory booklet in the art room so I haven’t done the theory (rang Monique to get the Questions) – God he’s gorgeous when he smiles!! (MW) Also started weight watchers today – was surprised how un-hungry I was!! Only got abit near dinner time. Otherwise amazing!! Waking early to do sea shells [the art assignment I was struggling with. We were expected to create a piece with the ‘uniform’ title Six Sea Shells]. Do what? God only knows!! Is 9:55

Tuesday 21/20/86

Got a lift to school again – got my theory part finished just in time. Woke early-ish..did the picture; added tracing paper & cellophane. Am pleased with the end product. My theory I rushed during double bio, art & little lunch. Saw little of Mark, but think he was looking at me. Sharon reckons so, too – as well as Steven. (?? hope!) [← am not certain that that was the word I meant – I couldn’t decipher my handwriting] Big lunch – the first free one (really) since I’ve been back at school. In the Daily Sun in the Library, (Taurus) mark’s starsign read; “You will have a change of heart for someone or something.” Someone!! Me?? Hope! Yummy gorgeous! Stevie’s cute too [“Stevie”??!]. Is 9:10 – coulda bin in bed ages ago fooling round. Travers rang me 2nite didn’t know what to say. Six sea shells finished – now have english oral & assignment + chem + maths + STUDY for exams

Wednesday 22/10/86

Yes! Yes! Yes! I think he dropped Nicole tonight. He was looking at me. Also talked today a bit – great!!! Then tonight we talked even more. I think I can tell!! Did no HW. Sharon’s staying over – late notice. Decided at the dance – so she didn’t have to go home early. Hot it was. Remind me to have a shower in the morning so I don’t stink. [Ooookaaay] Didn’t have much HW anyway. Finally got my bio mark back 35/40 Wo!! Still lotsa work to do. We talked a lot! I think I’ve realised the problem. I couldn’t hack it if Mark didn’t like me ever. I’m hopelessly devoted I think. [Yeah, that sure is a problem. The best news is that feeling changed!] Rode today. Rode home on own to make pants for the dance & I love ’em! Is [here I forgot to actually note the time]

Thursday 23/10/86

Yes! I did talk to him today! End of big lunch, before biology in 6th period And yes, I think he really does like me. Had fun at lunchtime today.. Angie, Fiona, Justine, Sharon, Donna, Sandie, Monique all ate mangoes from the big tree in the walkway down the centre of the school (I hate them) [not any more, they’re one of my favs now] & back at our area, Sharon & Kathyanne had a water fight. Got Asti. Were all sopping wet. All the guys & us girls were watching. They were (the guys) going to get me so Travers said. They got Fi when the bell went. Then Mark told me to come over “Fiona wanted to talk to me.” She said she didn’t – but I saw Steven with water so I ran. Yes! I was meant to be that target too, but Fi got it again. She was satched [a slang abbreviation for ‘saturated’]. During 7th p. started raining. Poured till about 6:00. Great rain!! Shoulda had an early night. Is 9:40. Got only 5 or so hours sleep last night. Sharon rode home on my bike at 5:50. Mum dropped me to school yet again.

Friday 24/10/86

Today we went downtown during period 4, 5, big lunch & 6th (& ½ of 7th) to clean off windows. Before that nothing happened except that I stuffed up my oral [english speaking assignment] totally. And I’m not going to repeat it [coz I detest “speaking in public”]. Walked downtown – mark, nev, Steven & keith right behind us. They, (mark, nev & steven) swam at Granada [a hotel] pool. I talked to him & steven. They disappeared then reappeared later. Talking to us, then steven started a fight – Mark & Steven against me with dirty (green) water. So? Who cares? [←not sure what that means] Then, walking back to school, Mark had a jet-spray gun. [Perhaps that’s what they went to get when they ‘disappeared’ earlier?] Chased me now & then Monique just walked. Stayed in art room for remaining school time – went for a walk – came back & mark & Steven had hidden our bags. Found them. Got changed and that was it. SO HOT. Glad I talk to Mark every day. [It had been a LONG time coming…the courage, the ‘opportunity’…] Does he really like me a lot? Beka’s staying over – came over primarily to see me – talking so much asked her to stay over.

Saturday 25/10/86

Beka left early. I spent the whole day writing the letter to Delanie, all about Mark. Get this → 32 pages long! Cherie & Petra (& Amanda) came over in the arvy. I love talking to Petra. I like Cherie a lot too. Got periods today. Anyhow, after I finally finished the letter (in a rush – I was so sick of writing it) I talked/thought about it. Writing that “history” and hearing it all again shed a different light on my feelings towards mark. I think, more like hope, that he really does like me more than other girls, in a different way. It’d be beautiful. I think I love him. He means almost everything to me at this point in time anyway. [Such a ‘romantic’.] Is 10:00. Wanna sleep in. Did little HW tonight. Have an english assignment left to do yet.

Sunday 26/10/86

Not an interesting day. Dad came around 11:00 [to pick us up]. (Before that I did some HW) I watched TV there. Oh! Besides that, I actually went for a walk on the beach [he and Jenny lived at Holloways Beach] for about 1 hour with Jules, during which I ‘leaked’ & I didn’t know till I got back. It was rectified, however. God its hot! Anthony, when I first saw him said to me “Liam wants to root you.” I couldn’t stop laughing (I didn’t know what to say?) [I seem to be stuck for words often. I’ve always been one of those people who thinks of a comeback or witty remark long after the moment has passed.] I always thought Liam hated me! Remembered how the others talked about him .. how he’d also screw [privacy omission here] if he had the chance. well, well…!!! [He’s a teenaged boy – isn’t that what most of them want to do?] Is only 8:00. Am going to bed. Did not even start my final english assignment, nor any study. Boring at dad’s I really really really [the third ‘really’ actually had a double underline under it. REALLY!] hope Mark likes me a real lot; and differently to all the others. That would be love. [Really?!]

A Flat Tyre, Mistaken Identity & the First Kiss (25-31 August)

Published on August 25, 2014 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 25/8/86

Was average day. Rumours spread about Fi, Monique & I smoking at the party. I told everyone I wasn’t. (But the others were) Bludge in triple art – Ms Marsland was away. Funny in chemistry. I used a tap and the pressure (air block or something caused a ‘reaction’ in my measuring cylinder – I dropped everything & had a heart attack!! I was shaking so badly!! It was bloody hilarious. Also saw little of Mark ie: at big lunch didn’t see him but he came to school early today & was wearing a blue shirt! […and the significance of that is? I can only assume that I might’ve been wearing the same colour…and being occasionally prone to superstitious notions, this could have represented an ‘omen’!] On the way home on the bus, we had a blow out, bloody scary too!!! Big explosion sound. Dust flew in the windows! But after long delay we kept going with the flat tyre. [Really? I’m not really au fait with automotive stuff but I thought that was a seriously bad thing to do?] And tonight I answered the phone. Some chic Alison reckons she cleans nana’s flat and I thought it was Sharon – I played along “Alright Sharon” getting a bit bored “cut the crap. What do you want?” “Can I speak to your mother?” I obliged. Mum said “Oh, Alison, Hi!!” SHIT! I was so embarrassed!!!! FUNNEE!! SHAME. SKINTED SEVERELY. Said Hi to Mark & Steven (Steven mainly) & he did nothing Ha. I made another effort

[The diary had ‘Week 35’ printed near the date and I did a calculation (see pic) to ascertain how many weeks were left in the year. Seems to have elicited a response that’s hard to decipher.]

Tuesday 26/8/86

Very boring day. Actually not! In Bio, had our test – I forgot all about it but – it was easy – I passed, no sweat (But how good did I do? . . .) Ms Marsland wants 30hrs now, due Friday SHIT! Maths boring. At big lunch Fi, mima & Sharon & I rode to town. Ordered a bouquet of flowers for Monique & went to woolies. Pigged out. Were very late. 20 mins into 6th period we rode back … Becca G, Judy, Donna & Sandie were walking. Mr Stodford .. Oh no! we didn’t get revved but Becca & Co did… Ms Marsland let me off the hook, but not the others! (Nah, she just “talked” to them) Standing with Fi at bike racks = Lynette C was talking with Mark. We stood there too!!! Finally walked off! Then saw him as we stopped to pump up my tyres. He said something to mima – we didn’t hear it tho. Hunk! Bought, in town, mima’s prezzy: TRUE BLUE record by Madonna. I was taping it & found it buckled on side 2. [Hilarious! Buy a gift for someone else but make sure it serves your own purposes first!!] Did no HW. 9:15 Got mim’s swatch re swapped also M. Mouse watch working again.

Wednesday 27/8/86

Again he talked; to Lynette C. & Fi was with them, we were waiting for her (at a distance) to ride to swimming. Mima came ½ way thru’: Brent was talking to a Yr 9 girl & been ignoring her all day; was really upset. We rode back to near service stn diagonally acoss from school oval & waited ages for Adam G, & Benji (we rode with them to school today) I thought Mark would’ve gone; but no- he came & mima reckons “let’s give him the fingers” so she did & he stopped & came & talked!! (Didn’t look at me once – shy!!! I hope???) Got home late. Bugared at speech (before we raced into town to check Madonna record – was just our record needle – too old – record’s not buckled at all.) Asked Fi; she said mima really wants that record great huh? And she doesn’t think any one else got it 4 her. Tired; did little HW (only Chem) wrote (sad) note to mima for her birthday. Busy day. Fun 4 mime tomorrow. Monique was really embarrassed this morning, EVERYONE sang H. B’day!! & hung signs!! Wonder what she thort of our flowers

Thursday 28/8/86

I think I’d better give up on Mark. He had the biggest fight with Tricia today and so many people have said that he’s with Nicole C now (they kissed etc) BITCH. She’s got what she wants. And Mark. FUCKING PRICK. He is gutless and a bastard. [Upset much?] Mima’s B’day. I gave her my note after I got off the bus. She rang & invited me up; Fi read it and got teary (!!) Had B’day Cake & we (mim & I) went to Earlville. Mark was there (with his family skint – was dressed dag YUK) and saw Ben & Richard, Justine, Sharon, Steven B. and some others. FUCKING BASTARD I wish I could talk to Cameron – but he’s the biggest snob. How can I trust the dumb bastard? If he likes me, why does he do this? Is he so dumb that he thinks it won’t affect me? HE IS DUMB. A big sucker. EGOmanic, sorry-for-himself [?], BASTARD. I wish I could be a bitch to him. I wish he’d crawl to me. [hilarious!] BASTARD. [Yeah, I reckon pretty upset…] 9:55

Friday 29/8/86

I am so bloody confused. And upset. I don’t know anything: does he like me or not? Judy said he’s not going out with Nicole cos she asked her. Well, so what? [Maybe I hadn’t heard of ‘casual sex’ at that stage?] I still don’t know what happened Wednesday night … monique said they were kissing … Judy said they weren’t. I wish I didn’t have to, but I think Monique is the one to be believed. She would not lie about that to me. [After all, she eventually became my best friend] Bastard. God I like him so much. Why is he such a bastard? The bad thing is I can’t talk to anyone about it; they don’t understand or don’t want to listen. [Groundwork laid for future Depression? Not talking to people because you think they won’t understand, don’t want to listen AND you don’t want to ‘burden’ them with your ‘Stuff’ anyway?] I am so upset. Party Saturday night. This could be the decider. Oh, I’m so scared & upset & anxious… caught bus into town – julia, fi & I looked for clothes. Julia got a white skirt. Fi got white pants on lay-by. And me? Nothing. What’ll I wear tomorrow night? SHIT. No HW this arvy. Do it all 2morrow.. 9:30. Sleep!!!!!

Saturday 30/8/86

I did my Bio & attempted my Chem & Maths. My english assignment I did not “further”. The day went rather slowly. At about 5:30 I started to get ready. I had eaten lot of junk today! Finally, we left, picked up Fi & got to GREASE. [It was the final performance so the after-party was expected to be big] there were so many familiar faces around! (ie: I knew so many people) It was excellent. Mark was cool. After it, I was informed secretly that Nicole & Him had a big juicy kiss in dressing room. Went to party after ceremonial congratulating and thanking those involved etc. The Party was boring. There were heaps of people; but I was bored. Nicole & Him were together; I was depressed & upset. Judy (after my cry on her shoulder) eventually talked to him after Nicole left, just before everyone migrated to Crocodile Rock (Terry was after Fi) We got there in a cab with Tanya C, Sharon, Fi & I (Judy said Mark didn’t know I liked him so much & he felt really terrible) Croc Rock was excellent; I kept my eye on Mark. [Here I crossed over to the next (Sunday’s) page…]

Sunday 31/8/86

… He danced with Sharon, me with Cameron & Fi with Terry. We danced & danced. After a drink & socialise, danced again (Mark with Fi this time) then again him with Trish & me & cameron. they were dancing really ‘sexy’-ily [by this I think I mean ‘Dirty Dancing’ style…] & kissed now & then… I kept a smile pasted on my face!! Then, after another rest, Mark asked me. I was shy at first (he’s an excellent dancer) he looked at me all the time. Soon I looked at him too. And loosened up dancing. Our faces came really close & I was nervous. We danced for ages then Trish cut in (jealous?) they disappeared & I sat with Cameron. Then back again & we danced again. This time I wasn’t so nervous…we kissed.. we danced & kissed & danced & kissed & kissed it was BLISS Mima & Steven were nearby together! too! we danced & kissed so much. The last dance was True Colours Cyndi Lauper’s new one. We danced slow, close & kissed. I’M IN LOVE!! [Oh my.. *facepalm!] Then we had to wait for a taxi …meanwhile watched a black woman being butch!! At Fi’s at 5:45, mima walked home; Mark, Steven, me Fi & Sharon spent time in Fi’s resting talking laughing; doing nothing. he was so nice to start with then he started getting a bit vicious – pinching my cheeks → It hurt! After that we didn’t talk much. (I am so tired) Got no sleep! Went to mima’s after Sharon left. Guys swam then we all rested – Mark & I slept, mim & Steven? & Fi? (I was asleep!) Walked home. “Sad” to go (??) [Really? After having your face tortured?] See him tomorrow Great. Did nothing at home. Have 2 eng. assign’s to do + art. Is 7:30 now. night!!

A Water Fight, a Doppelgänger & a Half Leg Wax (7-13 July)

Published on July 7, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 7/7/86

Purritty embarassing! Ha! Apparently cameron was there when he rang… shame… so I’m sure a few other people know now too… Cameron, Keith, Mark, Brent & probly Steven. Girls: Sharon (mima told her; she’s totally ignoring me!!!) monique sandra (P) mima, fi, me & tanja S. I didn’t want ‘anyone’ to know… I felt terrible… (kind of) Fi & mime kept telling me to go & talk to him … as if!! Walk up sit down & start talking. I don’t have the guts, sorry. [Have to say, I still wouldn’t do it now either. Yes, I am still THAT shy.] Otherwise, fairly boring day. Think Mark didn’t mind the call. Thinking a lot more about it … he left his dinner, talking to me & the more I think about, I realise he did ask me some questions & talked too. [It’s amazing how well our Minds can ‘warp’ things…] Dad came round this arvy [it was his birthday] – gave him screwdriver set, copper beer mug and socks (& lotsa hugs & kisses) mima & fi went to town after school to get my prezzy!!! 9:35 (miss my digital watch!) can finally do [understand, I assume] my maths!! Hip Hip HOORAY!

Tuesday 8/7/86

Got a bit depressed this afternoon. I feel so dumb – I HATE my shyness. Yet, that is what they all say Mark likes in me. But it also means I won’t be able to talk to him (at school anyway) I am so confused…. Watching the mini-series now “Mistral’s Daughter”. (Besides being a little corny, it is a beautiful story.) 9:50.. gonna crash soon. Did no HW this arvy. [Removing name here for privacy reasons] went home with [and again] (and guess what? . . . yes! She said she had to tell someone. She said it was “great”!! !!!) so walking home, she stopped in at my place. We talked. Sometimes about Sharon…a fair bit about Mark. If there was a happy medium between shyness & “bravery” If I could just be able to say ‘Hi’ now & then & talk casually in class etc. it would be perfect. I am tired. And kind of depressed & confused & unsure & insecure. [Heavy]

Wednesday 9/7/86

We skipped athletics trials again this week (and with my luck, they’ll have cracked-down on those who “skip” it so will get into trouble on my birthday…) Went to town at big lunch… looked for [cassette] tape [of the album] “Little Creatures” by Talking Heads (no one had it) then got Fi’s (formal) shoes off lay-by & got lotsa food. Stopped back at Dunphy’s newsagent for the rest of the arvy, reading mags again. Polly & her friend Selina were there this time too. Also today realised just how much work I have for art and, all over, how much more I’ll have to try to achieve my goal of at least 3 VHA’s this semester…→ A LOT!! And Mark? Well, I didn’t see much of him. Going to Nana’s for tea tonight [it was her birthday…within the space of 3 days, my dad, my grandmother & I all celebrated our birthdays], on our way to Newmarket Drive In bottle shop, saw a person with blonde hair riding along. Thought Cameron. And it was. And Mark was there too!! YUM YUM! Did no HW. Is 8:50.

Thursday 10/7/86

MY BIRTHDAY…WOWEE. The biggest, sorest pimple on my nose… PAIN! And it’s bright red! Fairly good day. Woke up to phone calls galore & ran late!! From Fi & mima, I got make-up (eye shadows!!) and cards + 1 from Donna. Not much of a fuss at school Thankful, in a way. Pretty boring day except that I missed double art for a bio talk (only to be near mark – otherwise I wouldn’t have gone) Quite fun & I think Mark’s looking at me a bit more again now. (??!!) Upset after school – the CHS & saints footy clash was on & no one had invited me. After a lot of tears [oh dear, not a happy birthday?], I scabbed a lift with the Brewers (felt absolutely terrible) mark wasn’t there. But Cameron (2nd best!) was. Got $100 so far [total birthday cash, that is]. Dad & Geoff & Jenny yet to go!!! [Expectant little thing, aren’t you?!] (Hoped Mark’d ring or something) eyes are so sore (from crying I guess) stinging – must shut them & get some sleep!! 9:45.

Friday 11/7/86

If there was any doubt, that can (again) be rid of; I have new again, straight from “the man” (Cameron. McK) Fiona said “does mark like Elissa?” In ~~biology~~ dance practise. Of course (loyalty to his friend) he didn’t say but she bugged him & he said (something like) “Mark really likes Elissa. He’d really like to talk to her but is too shy. He’d like to walk up & talk but wouldn’t know how to start a conversation.” FREAKY!! I’m happy! I LOVE MARK!! (I look at him and wonder “that (meaning gorgeous hunk) likes ME?” How can it be? Anyway (I had a good time in chemistry with Cameron, even had a ‘waterfight’ (which Mark witnessed the middle & end of) Went to town with Julia & Justine tonight. Saw so many things I’d like that ended up only buying my shoes – which I adore!!!!!!!! ♥ Mark! 10:45. In town in Chandlers [THE eminent music store in town at that time], saw a guy (not really good looking) had looked so much like Mark ie; his features so closely resembled mark; wonder if its his brother. Unbelievable how similar he looks!

Saturday 12/7/86

I did nothing. (I mean, after I went clothes shopping..) I got a pair of white leggins/ski pants and a heavy cotton jumper/dress… soft pink. Also got white & soft pink socks (cotton, knee-hi) and mum bought Julia a colourful shirt. But this arvy, I did barely anything. Waste of a day… could’ve waxed my legs or something. . . (eg. HW) But finally got thru’ to mima’s around 6:15… she said they’d come at 6:30 to take me to see the Yr 12’s going to their formal. I wish I could’ve seen Fi . . apparently she looked beautiful [dolled up as an usher for the function – the privilege I had also been offered but declined]. I really felt stupid … why didn’t I go? I know why & in a way I don’t regret saying no. [Well that’s a relief! Acceptance of the outcome of my choice, and a hint of the presence of some degree of self esteem!] Anyway, I’ve already started planning my dress etc!!! 10:10 Hope Mark will be my partner at our formal. Hope so. Yummiest Guy out!! I love Mark W!!!

Sunday 13/7/86

Boring! I did my set HW (and I didn’t even start my english assignment) – well, (what I could do of maths) I didn’t have much. Then I waxed my half leg (shins) I’ve washed & moisturized them a lot this time so the hair follicles will hopefully not get infected; feels better!! (Missed a fair bit!!) Also played lots of records [yep, black vinyl – the original recorded music medium!]. But it was rather boring. Love thinking about Mark….. spunk. Also this arvy, experimented with my hair … made it wavy or crinkly & have decided to do it like that for my school photo tomorrow. Looked good! Also have decided how I’m gonna grow my hair …. Length to my lips (all the same; a bob) and get perm solution combed through it; push in some kinks so its slightly wavy or more “bouncy” – “curvy” !!! [Uh-huh and that’ll work. I had fanciful ideas about how things worked!] 10:15 Tired! Got big red dots & pimples all over my face. Will hafta use coverup so they don’t show in my photo.. unless they miraculously heal tonite!!!

[Although I didn’t date it, I’m fairly sure the following spiel I wrote in the ‘Notes’ section at the back of my diary happened sometime in this week – the mood and tone seem to correlate:] Mark is the biggest spunk. Want to make friends with him (at least) Am so upset. How the hell can I do this? Let’s face it; I am far too shy. He has to make the first move. I think he does like me a LOT. I think. (I hope) well, the way it’s going I know I am liking him LOTS more all the time. Just have to look at him and I feel elated knowing he likes me; that beautiful, tall hunk likes me, in all my plainness. It is inconceivable. [It’s inconceivable that I had such an incredibly huge inferiority complex. But, I was what I was!] But I love (??) him or at least have the biggest crush on him ever. . . .

Adoration, Shyness, A Fight & THE Phone Call (30 June-6 July)

Published on June 30, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 30/6/86

Actually felt sick & didn’t want to come [to school] this morning, but, if anything, this was an excellent day to prove Mark really does like me!! He was always up in my line of vision (and me in his!!!!) [oh dear, Elissa, that is not reliable ‘evidence’] Sharon & I made some goofs! At big lunch, he wasn’t around so we decided to go and watch the volleyball. got halfway down & saw him there. It looked so sus[picious]→ we stopped walking, stood then turned and walked back up (cos he (& Cameron & Steven) were too!) We then went around under N block, waited till they’d gone & walked down to volleyball (which ended up not being on) so spent rest of lunch hour at [our usual] spot, right in his vision. I was kinda avoiding him cos I felt embarrassed. WHY? Well, that’s just me!! [Massively insecure, which I labelled ‘shyness’ because I had no idea how else to describe it.] 9:02 Fairly early night. Not much HW. Mr Grossetti was away for english – we had no teacher!! Talked with Donna

Tuesday 1/7/86

Mmmm. What a hunk♥ Yum Yum Yum Yum! Stayed as much in view (as I dared) today. In Biology, we were in G block. He sat in front row, we sat in 2nd front – I was right behind him so there was no way he could see me, but, he turned and sat sideways on his chair!! [Wow!] (Cos Mr Short was talking from the side of the room) [Oh. That casts one helluva lot of doubt on your idea, Liss.] But also at lunchtime, I got some good ‘long’ looks at him.What a honey – what a hunk the best body & perfectly gorgeous face – spunk ♥♥♥ Yum Yum Yum! [Vomit bag, anyone?] Did only maths HW – all I had. Am ashamed I have done nothing for speech. Is 9:37. Yet another late nite?? Hunk of the year!

Wednesday 2/7/86

Not-so-much drooling over Mark today→ in biology tho, I (Maureen, Donna & I did absolutely nothing! Big Bludge) told Maureen everything I did on my holidays. Mark was sitting in front again in the lab (Talking to Dwain -or greg?? I think !!?? Dunno!!) and when I was talking about Crocodile Rock, mark briefly turned and looked at me. Wowee kazowee!! Biggest hunk out!! [Oh my God. Really?] Then, everyone disappeared at lunchtime→ finally came back as mima, fi & I took off to Fi’s news agency – skipped athletics try-outs. That mightn’t sound bad (we sat in the back room reading magazines & eating food!!) but we missed a parade where we were marked off. Hope we don’t get into big trouble. [I’ve never really been a Rebel] Justine just rang; been on the phone for about 40 minutes. Is 9:07!!

Thursday 3/7/86

What a bloody hunk!♥ Sat in the same row (1st row) as him today in biology. I was on the end & there was Maureen, Donna & (then) Greg between us but he was unperturbed. He has such a penetrating gaze. Sometimes I was caught out and didn’t know what to do. He is such a hunk. I wish things would speed up. [Hmm, ever heard of ‘being proactive’?] Sharon’s not talking to me for some reason. She hurt me (not physically) today. Cutting remark about my shyness “If you want to blow your chance then I’ll have nothing to say about it.” [She’s clearly exasperated by my lack of initiative.] Bitch. That hurt me cos I know its true. [Exactly] I am shy & I probably will lose my chance cos of it. Otherwise it was a fair day. I try to tell myself to keep looking at him often as possible but… easier said than done. 8:33. Early night cos the bags under my eyes are getting bigger & blacker

Friday 4/7/86

Fat lot of good going to bed at 8:30 did me: didn’t’ get to sleep till around 10:30.. then slept restlessly & woke around 5:30-6:00 And Sharon has pushed things too far. Bad day today. So weak & tired this morning; then I was the only one standing on the bus. But worst of all: I (still hurt about what she said) ignored Sharon this morning so she got shitty. Then mima asked me what was wrong – I couldn’t help it – the tears sprung up & Fi told her. Mima saying how much of a bitch she was Linda & Justine ‘comforted’ me too. So I didn’t say another word to her all day. After last period chemistry, Linda told me how, in 6th p. choral music, Sharon told her everything. EVERYTHING – I like Mark, Mark likes me etc. After talking Linda said she wouldn’t tell. I know she won’t but if Sharon told her… there’s no doubt she’ll spill the beans to everyone to hurt me more. 8:53 See if I can get some sleep tonight. Julia went to see Police Academy III with some friends; Cherie & Melinda are staying over. Big Bitch Sharon. [It’s great to look back at this now and see how I brought the entire thing on myself. Sharon’s comment the day before clearly struck a raw nerve: exposing one of my ‘flaws’ to me – which I actually acknowledged! I should hardly have blamed her for that…wasn’t she in fact doing me a favour? And the rest of it is Karma. I reacted poorly, setting of a chain of reciprocal reactions… that’s how it works. Ya gotta break the chain where you are involved in order to stop the ball rolling!]

Saturday 5/7/86

Earned $39!! Did 96 drums in exactly 3 hours!! (9:24-12:24 = $24) then 3¾hrs making new labells = $15. Not bad eh? Mum took me home. But the big event was… I was getting ready to go to mima’s and the phone rang. Mum said “It’s for you…it’s a male!” I got “excited” a bit .. but I practically knew it’d be Brent…but what for? I said “Hello?” “Hi, it’s Mark.” I FREAKED!! He said “You wanted me to call you.” I wondered who said that.. “nope” I was embarrassed. Apparently he got a message “Mark ring Elissa 552143” I hung up after a lot of embarrassment saying “ahh…sorry…I’m so embarrassed” ..and giggling. Rushed round to mima’s & told her. Then YOU KNOW WHAT?? SHE MADE ME RING HIM BACK!! At first it was hard to talk but I talked for 1hr!! TO MARK!! (And by that, I mean I talked… he barely said anything I thought I was boring him then after watched Fletch.. slept at Fi’s – waited til 1:00 till Brent came….got to sleep around 3:00.

Sunday 6/7/86

Woke around 9:00 – thinking alot about Mark. Wondering whether that phone call will benefit me or not. Hope it does… hope he can say hello to me, or at least smile at me. Hope, I hope so much… we had brekky around 10:30 then mima & I went back to her place (Fi had to work) And went to Ellis Beach. Was fun.. got burnt (but it doesn’t hurt at all!) Thinking about Mark….. Fiona thought that “message” was made-up, ie: an excuse for him to ring. [Either that or one of my girlfriends – possibly even Sharon – rang masquerading as me and left a message with my details. I never found out regardless.] The only thing is.. it’ll be so obvious to him, now, that I like him. It’s not that bad; but I didn’t want him to know initially. [Again, with so much hindsight, this is hilarious. Naive little me! Many people had worked that out a long time ago.] Oh, I’ll be freaking out tomorrow especially… worried about going to school and seeing him.. I am already Sheeitt! I’m watching “Blue Lagoon”. It’s almost finished. Almost 10:30. Lost my digital watch at the beach & Anna’s coming to CHS now!!

Popularity, Pottery & the Technicoloured Dreamcoat (19-25 May)

Published on May 19, 2014 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 19/5/86

Yet, there is hope. In maths, Chris K reckoned that he knows about 15 guys who like me (& Ben P. knows another 4) all his friends. Chris reckons I’m the most popular girl now. (On the bio excursion “all the guys were coming upstream just to see me.”) Guys say “Have you seen that Elissa? She’s beautiful…” Skint. [Ok, not to belittle myself, but….seriously? Even with hindsight, I’m unsure of this guy’s motivation. I think ‘story-teller’ Chris was being relatively truthful, but… why bother telling me all of this? To put me on the spot. I have a feeling that my bashfulness and modesty was so overt that it was worth the effort to make me uncomfortable, for sheer entertainment purposes.] And also, ‘everyone’ (at least, Sharon, Fi & Mima) has organised a surprise for me at Angela M’s next party. Cos its in June (holidays) I think it’d either be to do with my birthday or what Chris was saying in maths. (Hope not the latter.) But it feels kinda good to be “popular”. [Ego!] I don’t quite believe it actually. I thought he really was bullshitting. [Hmmm, yeah, go with your Gut] 9:30. Talked to Cameron (back seat) of bus today. Pretty good day. Enjoyed it. Am so tired now. Riding 2morrow. Did no HW. Umah.

Tuesday 20/5/86

Ratshit day. Found out the surprise was a surprise party for me! Ha! [Weird, my birthday is in JULY…?] Now they won’t have it!! Also Alan C told me that Peter P likes me (I knew anyway) YUK. And then ‘everyone’ found out. And wouldn’t shut up about it. I HATE HIM SO MUCH. [Well that’s hardly fair is it? “Hating” someone you don’t know at all because you don’t happen to be attracted to him? Is it because of the unwanted attention drawn to you as a result? I think so.] I wish Mark liked me (I have a feeling he’s not one of the 19 who like me) I know 3 of them now; Dwain, Peter & Greg K (??) not sure about him. But Chris told me about him. Rode today too. MARK’S BIRTHDAY♥♥ Never to forget. Fi’s birthday Thurs. what’ll I get her?? 8:42 Early night for once?? He is the cutest (Mark that is) oh, love him, love him love him love him him ♥ mark for me!! [Oh PUR-LEEEEEASE…]

Wednesday 21/5/86

I’m ready for the cold!! Tonite’s min. is expected 13ºC!!! Was cool all day today too!! Didn’t have to do fabric painting today- had a go on the pottery wheels until Megan & this other girl started smoking [IN the classroom…]. Mr Pugh came in & told everyone to stop & pack up. [No doubt he’d’ve smelt it from another room] Megan & Joanne owned up much too late. So we did nothing for the rest of the time. Couldn’t get Fi a present, so went to speech, then bought a cake from Freshy & am gonna take it (all iced up) tomorrow, then I’ll give her a prezzy after school (when I go into town & get it) Cake is choc. covered in pink icing saying “EAT ME! Fiona” With yellow & green & orange squiggles. Really cute!! and yummy I’ll bet!!! Dunno what to get for a present!

Thursday 22/5/86

FI’S BIRTHDAY Oh, I wish Mark was having a party. I feel like partying this weekend. Oh well… ate Fi’s cake within 3 minutes this morning (“everyone” pigged out!) Gave her a “toblerone” & swatchguard tonight at Smithfield’s concert musical “Technicoloured Dream Coat.” (Was alright for a first; glad I go to CHS; smithfield “friends” are biggest snobs out – melissa b, natalie w, ian c, kel b & shane s) Erica & Adrienne were excellent in their dancing parts!! Laughed so much at their mistakes! (not Erica & Adrienne’s… the actors!!) Today, also, Ms Marsland talked to me about yesterday afternoon & about how Ms Black & Mr Pugh were a bit cheesed off. Suggested I apologise. Told mima & Fi too. They went together. I had to do mine alone. [I’m not sure why we had to apologise when we weren’t the offenders… unless it was because we failed to ‘out’ the smokers, which could have been read by the teachers as an act of ‘solidarity’? Beats me.] 10:07 by Mickey Mouse watch (my digital one’s stuffed→ battery’s flat or something.)

Friday 23/5/86

Just watched Flying High. God it was funny! Really boring day today. In fact probably the most boring day I’ve ever spent at Cairns High. 10:42 (my watch is fixed→ the new battery cost $9) Jeez I am tired. My eyes were really straining to stay open during the movie. Have to do a lot of HW this weekend; english, chemistry especially. Mark is yum, yum. Oh I wish more than anything in the world (??) that he was crazy about me; totally flipped over me. I like him so much. [I so want to scream at my younger self: “You don’t even KNOW him!”] Theatre Night on Saturday night (theatre kids perform) Hope he goes (cos’ I think I am) I’d love it – not that I think anything’d happen – never does. OH I WISH….. Night, Night!

Saturday 24/5/86

“Flashdance” just finished – it’s 11:21 – I am tired – and have a full day of HW & study ahead of me. Exams start this Friday – Chemistry on Friday for me (PES for YKW) Worked all day (well, 10:15 till 6:00) on labels (worth $31 – but got only $30) [Love how my Dad decides on a whim that he’ll change the pay rate or under-pay me whenever he feels like it.] Boring. Rushed home at 6:45 got ready & went to theatre night at CHS. Mark wasn’t there. In fact, barely anyone was. (‘Twas quite boring actually) Eyes are sore. Gosh I’d love another party (wished Mark’d have one for his birthday – maybe he did & I wasn’t invited) OH I AM TIRED. Boring. Absolutely Nothing exciting happened today. (My teeth are getting a (slight) gap between them again) OH NO. Mark 4 me! (Got a new desk 2day, too)

Sunday 25/5/86

Wanted to do lots of HW & study today. Ended up spending ‘whole’ day on my english assignment & even then, didn’t finish it. Ratshit. Wanted to get quotes for english & do all my chemistry HW, revision sheets (as well as maths). Mucked around a bit too. Oh shit. Is 10:07. Watching the Black Stallion on TV. (Hopefully) will finish soon. Am bugared. Chemistry exam this FRIDAY. Shit, I’m gonna fail, severely. Oh what am I gonna do?? [It’s called study, and being Sunday, you still have 4 days left in which to do some. SUCH a Worry Wart!] Ate a fair bit today – 4 fish fillets, cereal, mandarin sultanas, 3 biscuits, bowl of chips & 2 pieces toast. Howz that? (Sickening) God I’m tired. And a bit worried too. What the hell’ll I do about Chemistry? (And English? And maths) Aaaarg!! [Say no more!]

The Mannequin & the Ancient African Queen (17-23 March)

Published on March 17, 2014 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 17/3/86

Guess who was a snob today? I walked down to art, passed him (in a crowd of people) he looked but face was the usual scornful look – no’ expression. I smiled partially. [Definitely one of those begin-to-smile-then-realise-the-recipient-isn’t-going-to-reciprocate moments] I had wanted to say Hello. Angie was upset, too. Sandy B said Mark told her he didn’t like her. (I don’t mean to sound cruel but I hope he doesn’t) [Obviously self-interest, certainly no animosity] Also, Keith kinda looked as if he wanted to say hi, but I was too shy. [Surprise, surprise!] In art, 4th period – he came briefly into our class (I was sitting near the door & partially smiled at him as he entered) I do like Mark a fair bit. Got up-to-date (fairly, anyway) in Maths. Actually got my english assignment in too!! Double Bio tomorrow. I wonder if Mark remembered the things we did & said – I hope so. He’s so nice! It’s 9:38. I have the distinct feeling I’m not in Jemima’s good books lately. Wonder if I’ve upset her at all. Heather & Marg esp. H. are being really nice to me now. Same as lotsa others. I’m in good books [I’m certainly not feeling like the ‘goody-goody’ (social ‘pariah’) I felt I was at Smithfield High now.]

Tuesday 18/3/86

M-Mark! Mm-mm! Hunky!! Did I tell you we got the car back yesterday? No? Well it looks good (abit funny tho’, cos all the parts are new & modern i.e. bumper bar, grill, lights & bonnet etc and it makes the car ooh funny – back part old fashioned – front modern!!) Rode today with mima (Fi’s got a flat) First a dog chased us, then got soaked to the bone in a downpour (And I got a bit the same on my way home, too) Beka also called in to give me a belt back Wanted to tell her all about the party & Mark – but didn’t have time. Also did no HW. Hafta wake early tomorrow to do it. Also have to reply to Fran’s & Delanie’s letter, yet. Raining now. I love it. Rain, rain come & stay, never ever go away!! Ha! Ha! It’s 9:36. And I should’ve gotten to bed an hour ago.

Wednesday 19/3/86

I had some good news today. Well, I’m hoping it means good. Y’see, at lunchtime, barely anyone was around our seats, except Angie (M) & Astia & the pop. guys up the end. Terry said “elissa” – I look ’round → he said “come here”. I say “why?” “Wanna talk to you” – I start to move up & hear a funny noise from the group→ a laugh kind of. [yes, clearly the boys were getting ‘excited’ & ready for the ‘entertainment’…] I’m sure I went scarlet & I felt great heat creeping up my neck and face. I didn’t hear who he said but Terry said “… is a nice guy.” Shame! But you know who I hoped it was! (Angie M. was away yesterday [here I am omitting something that is not my place to share] ) After speech, fi, mim & I were talking about … mim said she doesn’t think he hates me (cos we were “together all night→ Bull) Fi said she overheard M & Steven in art and said “You remember the manequin?” “Yes” he said (I dunno how he said it though) [I’m surprised I didn’t mention the ‘Mannequin’ anecdote, but then I was limited for space in my diary. It began on the Fitzroy Island biology excursion, when I was ‘caught’ dozing on the boat ride back to Cairns: when I opened my eyes, I saw Mark & Angie & the rest of the group all looking at me, then (naturally) they laughed. I was highly embarrassed (which is another reason I’m surprised I didn’t recount the tale on the day). So at the party, Mark was asked (can’t recall whether I or one of my friends interrogated him) about that moment and his explanation was that they were concluding I looked like a mannequin because I was so still. Hmm, doesn’t ring true with me now, but I ‘ate it up’ then.] M. is tops. It’s 9:33. Wow!! another late night & no HW done. Wonder, wonder, wish (??!!)

Thursday 20/3/86

I am confused. I don’t know whether he likes me or not (to start with) and whether he likes Angela M still or not. (It’s known that he said he didn’t, but maybe he changed his mind. [It has been known to happen!] Hope not. Hope he likes me a lot. If not a lot, then not at all [haha, “all or nothing”!] Because if I did go with him, I’d be constantly afraid of the relationship ending. Cause I like him a lot & I don’t think I could cope with him saying he didn’t like me. [Oh dear, so much Fear at such a young age. So much …Ego!] Oooohhhhh… English exam I think I failed. It was so hard compared to the ones we got from Smithfield. Didn’t ride today – I rode to mim’s in morning to check – caught bus at her stop & watched everyone at gym. Fun? Nuh. It’s 10:01 on the dot. And I am disturbed. My dream last night gave me doubts about ever (if possible) entering into a relationship with anyone. PS: I did maths HW

Friday 21/3/86

Can barely keep my eyes open. Is 10:20. I am so tired. Went to Nana’s to help her with her cleaning and also change around her furniture. After, went to Coles to get some (few) groceries for us. Mark was there – I didn’t see him until the end. Wonder what he thinks of me. It is so hard to tell. Wish I knew. Wish there was another party. Damn, am so tired – my eyes are so sore. Chemistry was O.K. Tanja & I were able to check some answers but I know I haven’t full marks. Got 17/20 for my english assignment, too, which is excellent, considering I wrote it before school & at lunch-time!! [I was always a ‘natural’ in English] Have another one to do this weekend + Maths + Biology study. I am dead. Work tomorrow. Have decided to ask dad if he can give me money instead of chocolate, for Easter. I really want to get my hair permed. I must also lose some weight.

Saturday 22/3/86

Half-hoping someone would ring and invite me to a party, I decided not to spend the night at Dad’s unlike Julia. [This is exactly what I say to people when I’m finding examples of my “un-familial” nature. I yearned for social stimulation (but didn’t actively seek it out- duh!) Funnily enough, I believe I inherited my sociability from my father himself – I have always perceived him as more of a social creature than a devoted family man. Perhaps this is why, to this day, we maintain significantly less contact than my sister and he do?] I worked only a little – there was not much to do – I earned $21.50. When I got home, I wrote letters – 1 to Fran (short-ish) but the 1 I wrote to Delanie was 8 pages: about 6 or 7 of which were all about Mark, the party & Fitzroy etc. Ha! I’m wishing’! (Bloody oath, I am – no joke. He’s got to like me. Got to) Oh! It’s 10:38. Late night again. And I did no HW again as usual. Cram, Cram, Cram. Have maths, bio study & eng. & bio assignments to do tomorrow. Poop. AM starting to feel tired now. Weather is wierd. All my thoughts and writings (i.e. letters & this diary) are concerned with Mark. he is all I think about. Oh dear. [Yes, oh dear]

Sunday 23/3/86

It’s 9:42. 10 minutes ago I finished a letter to lucy. Now, this weekend, I have written 4 letters, sent 2. Started writing out rules for maths exam. Did a bit on bio assignment (found out most of my flowers are now mouldy or brown) and (very little) for english. Spent most of my time Doing my hair, listening to music, reading about classical mythology and eating. [We had a strange little single volume ‘Pears’ encyclopedia that I loved to delve into now & then. It contained some pretty eclectic info, including a great deal on Mythology, which I loved. In it I actually discovered an alternative origin of my name, other than the boring “derivative of Elizabeth”. Elissa (or Dido) was a Phoenecian princess credited with founding and then ruling as first Queen of the city of Carthage (in what is now Tunisia) in 814BC. I’m guessing that predates the very English name ‘Elizabeth’. Perhaps Elizabeth is a derivative of Elissa?] Nell & Amanda came around. Conversation was very weak – couldn’t get one started. But they left almost as soon as they came. Nana came over, too. In all my letters (except to Jodie & Mike & to a lesser extent, Fran) I have detailed about mark – it has been the major subject of the letters. I just can’t get him off my mind. Am I in love? [Nope] Or deeply infatuated? [Bingo!] Or, or what? [Obsessed?] God I wish I knew.

Falling in Love on a Trampoline (10-16 March)

Published on March 10, 2014 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 10/3/86

Julia is sick. Soon as she got home from school – she was talking irrelevantly [?!], crying, dizzy head-ache and after, (almost) continual vomiting. [Unfortunately, I fail to disclose what was wrong with her, so we’ll collectively never know] Mum took her to the dr’s in Geoff’s car around 8:00 tonight. Got little HW. Did most of it. Got letter from Fran. Wanted to write back to her (& Delanie) but didn’t have time. Is 9:40 now. I am not very tired, but must get sleep for tomorrow. Am excited, in a way (at least Donna & Mark W.* will be there (*I hope)) “Boringest” day I think I’ve ever spent at CH. except that in triple art (& little lunch) we watched “The Breakfast Club” – unreal, excellent, tops! And Neville & I talked on our way home off the bus this arvy. WOW!! My teeth are sore. (Only gamming) [Okay: why I would be ‘gamming’ about sore teeth, I can’t fathom, but for those who are wondering what the hell I man by ‘gamming’, it was local slang for “just kidding”] Have a breakout of tiny pimples all over my chin & round my nose & mouth. Not ordinary pimples – like rash lumps. YUKKY. [That’d be Rosacea. I had it on and off for years, but since I really cleaned up my diet, it has completely disappeared.]

Tuesday 11/3/86

Weather was fair for a fair day. Not exciting – but not boring, either. Is 9:30. Am quite tired – not looking forward to Thurs. or tomorrow, for that matter: I was skinted badly today → we were talking about who we liked (Donna, Angie, Maureen & I) and I said “Steven B…” and Mark W was sitting nearby. SHAME Then I indicated him & I think Angie told him later. [Uh-oh…] She was flirting with him all day. Otherwise – I LOVED SNORKELLING!! It’s fantastic! I even touched some coral!! I think the only time I’ll ever be afraid of the stuff again, is when I have no goggles or flippers. [Wow, I don’t recall having a coral ‘phobia’. But clearly it wasn’t quite resolved, since I’d still need snorkelling paraphernalia in order to find my courage.] Otherwise – I’d live in it!! Nah!! I just realised another favourite Pastime!! SNORKELLING RULES!! Not burnt! Believe it? You better! I’m a bit hot now. Got chaffing. And I don’t think Mark W likes me much.

Wednesday 12/3/86

Boring day. Boring. Boring. Boring. I forgot I had speech → was 30mins late. Had some of the remaining birthday cake from Mrs Marsland’s party yesterday. The mock cream I actually liked. [urgh, really?] Think Steven knows. Am sure of it. Then again, could be my imagination, huh?? So. I haven’t much to say. Except that I missed out on 9 sections of work in maths yesterday and our “prick” teacher only bothered to revise the last 6. So I know nothing. But the main reason for my “boredom” is the fact that almost everyone is going to Fitzroy tomorrow (& they’re gonna have a bigger rage cos it’s Heather & Marg’s birthday & they are gonna have a mini-party. And of course I’ll miss out. Life is dull. It’s 10:42. I am dog-tired. Am allowed to go to Sat. night party. [I love how I keep opening brackets and not closing them…because I’ve clearly forgotten – like a goldfish – that I had opened them in the first place.]

Thursday 13/3/86

Boring! That’s what today was. But I did survive having Mima & Fiona not there. I hated lunch time & before & after school & on the bus, the most. I didn’t really enjoy hanging around Donna (no one else would’ve hung round me) so I enjoyed her company anyway. [USER!!!] Did very little work today. Very little homework, too. But this weekend, I must get all of it done on Friday arvy, so I can do a bit of work on Saturday morning, then catch the train to Kuranda at 3:00 [where the party was being held; one of Cairns’ tourist attractions is the original train ride up there, so it made sense for parents to let us take it, rather than drive up the mountain range], go to the party and sleep in Sunday. Sunday arvy – assignments definitely. Angie is a bitch. [Here we go…. JEALOUSY is a bitch!] She’s flirting so much with Mark. Sat with him in Bio today. I think (hope) Maureen’s cheesed off with Angie. She’s a tart. I think she’s trying to make me jealous. [IF that was the case…. SUCCESS!] Is 9:50

Friday 14/3/86

I am tired. It’s 1:20. We’ve just come from a party (a Hash party) and, yes, dad was there too. It’s quite cool (Has been for a while) Carol B lent me 2 pr’s of Dean’s old flannelette PJ’s for the party. Don’t wanna use ’em but looks like I’ll hafta. [T’was to be a pyjama party…obviously. But I’m fairly sure I didn’t wear the flannels after all – it would’ve been way too hot. From memory I might’ve worn a pair of my ‘home-made’ (by mum) shorts, that could’ve passed as boxers.] Walked down to Limberlost Nursery with mum this arvy. Man gave us 20 specimens (or 16, at least) + all their names & I pressed 17 at home. That’s (almost) one assign. down – 2 (english) to go. So I did not get any set HW done. Am excited about party – will [be] tops – a rage, man! On the train, too! And dad said he’d drop me home early from work, if necessary. So I can work too. Fantastic!!!!! Am pooped. My eye-lids are lead. I’m bugared. tho’ I got about 1hrs sleep at the [Hash] party.

Saturday 15/3/86

My room’s been changed around and, Jeez, it’s different! I definitely love Mark W. He is the best! [Here we go…] I made friends with a lot more of the guys tonight (including him) but I think Sharon likes him too. He’s a spunk, he’s funny, he’s nice, he’s lovable. Angie is so jealous, too. [Really?] Sharon, him & I (mainly) spent a lot of time together sitting on the trampoline singing songs. He’s fantastic. And I hope he remains friendly even when he is sober. [!!!] Cos, to me, he’s special (but something strange tells me not to bother (he’s taken or likes someone else, etc)) [It’s called “Gut Instinct”, Liss. You’ll learn to follow it, One Day…] (I earned $16.25 at work today – almost missed the train) He came and sat next to me on the train too. I think he likes me – but it’s probably just my IMAGINATION (again) It’s 12:45. I’m exhausted. Mark W – is the only thing on my mind. Kissed me – not proper tho just a kiss on lips! [So this was it. As close to an ‘official date’ as one can get, to falling for a ‘First Love’. Note: I didn’t say TRUE Love!]

Sunday 16/3/86

Couldn’t stop thinking about last night → Mark & the stupid things I said. Mark, oh, Mark, I wish you liked me. A lot. Very much → nuts about me. I woke at 9:30. I couldn’t believe it myself!! over 8hrs sleep! Today I did work for my Bio assignment. Stupid, huh? It’s not even definitely due Tues. And english is due tomorrow And I HAVEN’T STARTED. I’M DEAD. I’ll hafta wake early & write something crappy I SWEAR, over Easter break I will do at least 2 assignments. I’m so glad I went to that party – I made friends (got to know people better) esp. Mark, Keith, Ann Marie, Heather, Tarquin, Tricia mostly Mark (& Keith I s’pose) Is 8:40 early nite please! Fixed my room properly today → heaps more room!