Sleep Struggles, Cramming & My First Monique Dream (15-21 June)

Monday 15/6/87

Today was non-stop for me! I had an extremely restless night – finally got to sleep round 11:30 then woke up a number of times during the night .. so tired this morning. [Stress will do that to you…] At school, when Mark came we sat & talked a little – he’s sick again. .. the headache & mainly very sore throat. After parade, had double chem.. catching up on pracs. then maths I busily worked fixing up [computer] programmes. . even worked into little lunch, trying to catch up on one programme (with Mark’s printout) so ½ way thru little lunch, I drop my bag at artroom & race off to give Mark his printout, before he left ..walked back with him to artroom (he needed paint). He left during 4th ..double art I did a bit of painting when Ms Marsland finished talking to us; that (painting) went into lunch hour, so went up to computer room & tried a few little programmes. Bell went; in english I copied out notes on novel & play for revision, then in bio got test (mark) back & fixed up all mistakes. A Life in WordsMum took me home . . I sat studying maths till about 6:30. Rang Mark briefly, then watched TV the rest of the night. So it’s now 9:45. And I’m not at all ready for this math exam(s) I really should’ve tried harder to catch up. my fault. [Ownership!] Big failure tomorrow.

Tuesday 16/6/87

A Life in Words
This isn’t the original portrait, but it certainly is yet another failed attempt…

Man, am I in a great mood! I just had a big (and I mean MASSIVE) attack of laughter (not giggles . . it was cackle) Man, was it fun! I don’t know why either! [And it doesn’t matter! It was scientifically verified quite some time ago that Laughter reduces Stress thanks to ‘positive’ hormonal responses = lifting one’s mood!] See, Maths Prac.. I think I’ll pass (just) because I managed to learn trapezoidal method before we went in .. & that happened to be the Q. [Oh and have I ever needed to refer to Trapezoidal Method again in my life (to date)? I’ll give you one guess…] But, after 2½ hours study time after it (& for lunch) I wrote out the rest of my maths I [this ‘I’ denotes ‘One’ …as opposed to another separate subject, known as ‘Maths II’ …or Maths ‘Two’…!] notes (programmes etc) But to no avail. Come the test, Elissa leaves at least 5 Q’s totally blank & writes crap for all the rest. Fact was ..I wasn’t even worried cos’ I knew from the outset I’d fail (but by how much? – HEAPS, I think) [Lower expectations = less Stress?] Then again So’d everybody else.. not many will pass that exam I think. Talked a fair bit to Mark, “in-between” ..being “sweet” today.. liked it. This arvy (Jason drove us home) did artwork of Monique & Erica, but is nowhere near them, like Mark is of his portrait. [Photo-realistic artwork can be so hit-and-miss…] so I rubbed them out v. angrily. wasted the arvy & night will have to cram for english tomorrow morning. just, really, have to learn quotes, poems & read over examples & notes. BASIC! (Ha, ha) Is 9:10. GOD, I FEEL GOOD!!

Wednesday 17/6/87

This morning I spent trying to find quotes and it was pointless. At the last minute, mum took me to school. Mark came late & sat on the other side of the room  I did not do well at all. It was a very hard english exam (of the 3 I’ve now had at CHS, [one per semester so; two in Year 11 + this Yr 12 first semester = 3] it’s the one I feel worst about.) Oh dear; I’m not doing well! Mark barely talked after – left almost straight away – his sinuses are playing up now. That’s probly why. [Another confusing statement, thanks to poor grammar… I’m thinking I meant he “probly” “barely talked” to me because of his “sinuses playing up” This composition doesn’t really help to illustrate how good an English student I was, huh?] Mum picked me up & took me home. This arvy, I did almost nothing. Tried to do art, tried a little bio study but I was too tired- lay down all arvy. And watched TV tonight (the movie too – umah! it’s 10:10 too late!) Fine today (hot too) Oh, I’m tired – what a fool I am. Thinking about Monique a lot today (dreamt about her for the 1st time since the crash, last night) Dreamt her ghost was with me – everywhere ..we talked & did all the things we would normally do. It’s not fair. She shouldn’t have died. She didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve it. I need her. I want her. [Wow, SO many things to address here, relative to the beliefs I have formed over the years: firstly, Death is only ‘undeserved’ if our perception of it is a Bad Thing. And I now think it’s not at all. (Perhaps the way you end life is more frightening than Death itself?) I believe wherever we ‘go’ after is actually our true ‘Home’. A Life in WordsEach life is a journey (of tests and/or merely ‘Experience’). So maybe she DID deserve it? Maybe she had served her purpose and deserved to be free of her “meatsuit” (body) and the trials of mortal life? We (me, her family et al) who she left here could certainly feel jibbed because her physical departure is our loss. The truth is, no one needs anyone. We can certainly want them but the Futility, that only perpetuates Pain…]

Thursday 18/6/87

Well, I’m bugared. It’s about 11:10. I just got told by Julia that it’s time to go to bed. [A wee dig at my little sister, for “bossiness”?!] I am tired, but I bet I won’t get to sleep soon. My sleep has been terrible for the last 2 weeks, or so. And it’s not doing me any good. Well, I stuffed my biol. prac. no way I could pass that (except for a miracle) that’s why I think I “knuckled down” tonight – gotta do ‘excellently’ in my theory to keep me up there. I wasted this morning – didn’t get to do any of my art because there was an art exam in our room. SHIT! I spent the time in the library, doing biol instead. Mark barely talked, but I know he’s not shitty with me. Anyway I rang him tonight – about 20mins- we got on O.K. He’s getting better finally … just his throat (& that terrible cough) now. Good-o! Boring day. It actually fined-up, but raining few minutes ago. Well 11:15 now. TOO LATE A NIGHT! Please God, help me do exceedingly wonderful[ly!] in my biol. theory!

Friday 19/6/87

It’s 10:00 now. I’m not in a great mood today well – I’m a little depressed. Mark barely talked to me today. It’s getting me down; he’s not shitty or angry with me, I know, but he barely talks to me. Anyway, after the biol. exam, he went to study & that’s the last I saw of him. I went to the art room at finished my painting. [“at finished my painting”? No, not a typo, I actually wrote that in my diary.. not thinking clearly?] Left school around 2:50. He was still in his exam. He didn’t ring me tonight (this arv.) So I rang him, around 6:50. Very short phone call. He was going to town with Keith. I can’t explain why I felt so miserable – I was ready to cry. Why didn’t he want to spend the night with me? I’m feeling neglected. I want to be loved. I haven’t had time with him for around 2 weeks.. doesn’t he miss that? I can’t understand how he feels. Jesus, I need a better diary next year. . so I can write as much as I want -2 or 3 pages. Now 10:30 -movie is finished. Got to sleep around midnight last nite (as I thought) &  woke at 6:30 this morning. What’s wrong with me?

Saturday 20/6/87

I wasn’t excessively worried, but a little disappointed (yet just as I had expected) when I didn’t get a phonecall from Mark. I spent the whole day talking to Julia, Amanda (laughing!) watching TV (the sat. morning music shows), after reading the paper (believe it or not) [Even now, I hardly watch TV news let alone read newspapers…] Well, I decided not to vege out at home – rang Fi – she was out, so rang Sharon. I went to her place then we left for the pancake house. Long talk! A Life in WordsLots to catch up on! Then to see Les Patterson Saves The World and Playing For Keeps. Les Patt. is very sick humour – Playing for keeps is O.K.!! At her place, had hot chocolate then bombed! I was so tired! – 12:45. (the day had fined up! sunny! Yay! I did no. chem. study – umah!) thought about Mark a far bit esp. trying to get to sleep- but I always do!

Sunday 21/6/87

Woke around, god, can’t remember, but I had a good sleep there (if only it could’ve been longer ie. gotten to bed earlier! My black bags still haven’t gone – big as ever!) Well, after brekky, went to Holloways Beach for about 1½hrs. (about 10:30-12:00) The back of my right leg is burnt! (scars pink!) Saw Giles S and Brendan L. Talked a little (about the crash) at Sharon’s, before she got ready for hockey and dropped me home on her way there. I knew it – I dreaded asking “No phone calls?” Nope. So I spent the rest of the afternoon doing nothing- the weather was beautiful – mum’s room so cool: I just sat lazing. It was great! Tonite I rang Fi …she said I should ring him. I wanted to, anyway but wanted her opinion. He was in the shower -rang back about 30mins later (I was annoyed!) Talk was O.K. Not exciting, but he wasn’t shitty with me. We are going to the movies tomorrow nite – I had to organise it as usual. Mima & polly just “dropped in” – walking with their family.. embarrassing – I had only my P.J. shirt on – my fat legs showing!! [I wonder how ‘fat’ they actually were? I’m skeptical about that, because of my poor self-image] Watching mini-series now. It’s 9:20 will be another late night.

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Exam Fails, Crinkle Perms & Florence Nightingale (8-14 June)

Monday 8/6/87

Well, it’s 8:55 and I have not quite finished my biology study. Almost, though. I have done no chemistry or history of art study; so I’ll fail for sure. Did nothing besides study today (except break for a walk to the shop with Jules this arvy) But the reason I didn’t get all done was because I mucked around doing little things; wasting time. [Procrastination. It’s my forte.] sunny today. Am tired, but had 9hrs sleep last night. Wonder what time mark will get home tonight? I don’t think he’ll go to school tomorrow. Oh, these bloody exams! 3 tomorrow.. there’s no use. I’ll fail! Been thinking a fair bit (not much) but; I think Mark does get bored with me. I really do. Sometimes. I think he’s sick of me, or he’s afraid to spend time alone with me. I don’t know. I’d love to talk with him again, soon. A Life in Words(Fat, fat, fat! I ate a lot of crap today) Julia & I had a 100’s & 1000’s fight. YUKKY!

Tuesday 9/6/87

Ha, ha, ha! I failed chem. for sure.. could not do one thing (well that’s a lie: I got Q1 right!) But my bio study paid off!! I found (an otherwise hard) test easy . . and Hist. of art – I fluked (& cheated just a little) that will be easy enough to pass. So that was my day, really. Mark didn’t come, as I’d thought.. Keith told me he said at night “Wish I was home ..missing Elissa”. How beautiful! […hmm, how gullible…] I rang him (during dinner – so rang back ∼15 mins. later) barely talked at all – disappointing. [Not missing you so much now, huh?] He sounded tired. I’m glad he’s back. That’s 5 days I haven’t seen him. Oh, I thought I’d never make it! This arvy Cameron was at his dad’s – driving! (went past our house at least 10 times!) FUNNY!! Hotter, finer today. Wore my hair “crinkled” to school – twisted sections [and tied with rags, see the pic to left for an idea] last night- slept with them & this morning my hair was crinkly! Wore it in a piggy tail – looked horrible down, A Life in Wordsbut now it’s died down a bit .. looks good .. gives my hair lots of body. Am thinking of getting my hair crinkle-permed now! [Noooo! Perms are bad enough, let alone ‘crinkle’ …ugh, you just said it “looked horrible down”!] Skin is clearing up fast, too!

Wednesday 10/6/87

Well, Mark was very quiet today ..bored, he said. [And we all know what I would have been thinking, after Monday’s rumination…] So I didn’t talk to him very much… biology before art… big lunch, then a little at weight training (speaking of which, at aerobics I felt so good! Excellent workout! Sweaty, but I felt no aching or fatigue after it – just hot.) [See? It really isn’t that hard to make fitness gains.] Mark rang me tonight, however, and we talked a lot about careers, ambitions etc. he wants me to spend nights at his place on the holidays (if he doesn’t go to Brisbane – hope he doesn’t.) Wonder if ..if I’ll take the plunge? Go all the way? I’d like to, but it’s complicated [of course. And scary.]. .anyway. . I’ve done no HW: and my bio assignment is due tomorrow I’ll have to make it up & write it tomorrow. I’m riding tomorrow.. I think; mum bought me a padlock for my chain. A Life in WordsI’ll ride on my own; I don’t care – I need the exercise …I’m almost 65kg. That’s terrible! [Yes, disgusting! After all, at 176cm in height, that means you’re almost exactly in the middle of the Normal/Healthy Weight Range. Pffft.] I have to lose 10kg for the formal! (And for Mark) & the holidays!! [Isn’t it sad how susceptible we are to socially-imposed ideals? Or more accurately, that our Ego-based self-image can be so …weak? How did I think emaciating myself would enrich my experience at the formal? And would that really make my boyfriend love me more? (From memory he never once referred to my body in a negative context.) I can’t even begin to fathom what I thought losing weight ‘for the holidays’ would yield…] Oh I’m tired.. but can’t sleep in: it’s annoying. Got chem. mark – 6/30 TERRIBLE. Must spend a lot more time on chem. & maths… chem, mostly. have got to do well. [Ha!]

Thursday 11/6/87

I rode! Left at 8:15 (heaps of head-wind; shit!) got to school about 8:35! :Hot & sweaty & very “drained” of energy (tired) Mark came late. We got on quite (very) well today! My painting of him is (believe it or not) progressing very well! A Life in Words(ie: it’s not half bad) – in fact I’m bloody proud of it! He has not much comment on it! [Uh-huh. I can sort of imagine some reasons why…] After school, I waited for him at our area (giving my bag to mum) with Cameron: then we went to the bike racks- not there either. .walking back Mr. Stopford said he & Steven were in the gym. Cameron & I stayed (waiting) for about 30 mins ..then left (Mark & Steven kept playing & playing..) [playing and playing what?] Fairly speedy (hot!) ride home. Rang him tonight & we talked for ¾hr. Going to see Burglar tomorrow night. he said he would stay at my place on the holidays! (he’s not going to Brisbane – yay!!) WOWEE! Oh, I’m tired. Maths exam Tuesday, then eng then bio ..then chem (ugh!) then HOLIDAYS HOORAY!! Holidays soon! And I can’t wait! SO tired.

Friday 12/6/87

Got to school-Mark was sick. Barely talked to me before school.. double eng. boring & set ..he nicked off somewhere (Coles) with Steven during little lunch & didn’t talk to me at big lunch. I wondered if he really was sick ..sick of me only. [Definitely the theme for this week…] But after school, he said he’d ring me. I had to go by bus- just the afternoon I need mum to pick me up & she doesn’t: I had a gigantic masonite board with my painting paper taped to it, to take home. Ugh! Very tired today. My art (Mark is O.K. but I don’t know how to improve on it – what to do next – I’ve worked on his skin (facial tones) a lot & I’m afraid I’ll overdo it – but it looks a lot like him. Must get it finished.) [With an eye for detail, much of my art leaned towards ‘Photo-Realism’…] when Mark rang, we talked a little – it’s a headache – on & off again, but intense when “on” [oh.. talking about his sickness… I thought for a second this was a general comment on our relationship!] we decided no movies. And I went to his place. And played “nurse” & “maid”. A Life in Words[So totally NOT what you’re thinking!] Took him Mersyndol & by 10:00 he was drowsy. I left arond [not a typo; an actual spelling error that appears in my diary.] 10:30 – a little disappointed he was still in such a poor condition – so hot & very tired. I liked “comforting” him – like to do that whenever he’s sick in the future. [The ‘Florence Nightingale’ aspect of my persona…]

Saturday 13/6/87

A wasted day. I woke (very angrily) at 7:30 and could NOT get back to sleep. I watched the music shows & played the tape mark let me take home last night ..love the first song on Side A (one he wrote its words to me) It’s excellent! [I’ve included a YouTube link to it below… but read on first…] Anyway I looked blankly at maths revision sheets before ringing Mark around 4:00. Talked a little while – he’s no better ..poor guy – I don’t like seeing him so sick -head ache & cough. said he’d been popping pills all day, besides sleeping, watching a little TV. Keith was there ..he said he’d come around (to give me my biology sheets) very short stay -he looked terribly tired. Tonight I copied out my bio. sheets (a second one for him, you see – it helps me study at the same time!) It’s 10:40 now. Am tired, but plan to listen to 4CCR for as long as possible. Didn’t eat too much today! Good, huh?! Hope Marky’s better tomorrow – there’s an excellent movie (sunday special) on at the Capri.

Sunday 14/6/87

You should see the bags under my eyes! BLACK. I got about 7½hours sleep last night – not enough. It’s 8:35 now & I plan to get a good sleep tonight. I wasted the day, really. Did a little maths revision after Mark rang me, just before 2:00 (very short, pointless phone call. But he’s feeling 10 times better -only has a sore throat now- and told me [privacy omission] lost his license today – speeding silly! He might be able to use [privacy omission]‘s car (if he’ll let him) cos he gets his license in 2 weeks & [privacy omission]‘s lost his for 3 months! (+$120 fine) Goody- hope he can use it!) Before, I think I just listened to music (tape) & fiddled round with my HW diary.  . Oh! I know! I wrote out my bio. assignment yeah, really good! Mmm singing Alltime Lover all day – my fav. song. (mum loves it too!) [See below. Firstly I can’t believe I actually found it (because it’s not called what I thought it was called) and secondly, I can’t believe I liked it… it has to have been just sentimental attachment because… it’s really bad. The lyrics are up there with the worst I’ve heard. And mum? Oh my beautiful mum was a bit of a musical dag I’m sad to say. She loved Bucks Fizz – that says it all. And if you don’t know Bucks Fizz, don’t worry, you ain’t missin’ anything!] Oh wish it’d stop raining & get cold. Worked out my formal dress & hairstyle totally now. Can’t wait! Must try & do maths tomorrow – get lots done. Think I will stay the whole day. Maths is a bloody problem. Ugh. So’s chemistry. Bio – no sweat. English – yukky poo. UGH! Ate a bit more today. Depressing. MUST lost weight + tone up my disfigured leg! + TAN & blonde my hair

Formal Permission, Hickie Harassment & The Controversial Portrait (1-7 June)

Monday 1/6/87

Keith told me (after Mark had got it out of me before school) that he & Mark had worked out what that sheet was ..my timetable, Mark’s and Nicole’s (last night with saw it just lying there & I got v. embarrassed) [LOL taking Insecurity to the next level! I don’t recall this at all… and for good reason! I’m imagining I’d’ve been trying to ascertain how often they might have come in contact during school hours. What I didn’t know was that this ‘project’ would only feed my angst: not benefit me in any way at all. Geez, maybe I should’ve been a detective?] I thought Mark might’ve gotten ‘upset’ by it ..thinks I’m spying on him. NO! It’s not fair. He can’t think that: it’s not true. [No, really?] Anyway, I don’t think it bothered him much- school, boring as usual, but I got 3 goodbye kisses this arvy Yummy. My art exam was a laugh. I didn’t know anything; I’m sure I’ve failed (no, I could pass, really. Came home after julia got new school shoes (& we browsed at other shoes) & I found a doona on my bed! A Life in WordsUnreal! The only prob is I think it’s too small [here’s the critical perfectionist…] – I mean, it’s meant to fit a single bed, but I’d have liked a bit bigger, but not quite double bed size. [Not asking for much – just a non-standard sized doona, perhaps custom-made? (I’m not sure that ‘King Singles’ existed back in the 80’s?) Pssssh! …Unless I was considering size difference amongst different brands?] Actually did a little HW – maths. I really must get down to some serious study now. Also get classwork done. Esp. art. Copped shit about this hickie, alright – [OF COURSE] Nigel, mima, justine lots (Nicole saw – she kept looking at me SKINT) And Tricia. HaHa. Oh boring school hurry up, holidays. It’s 10:00 now

Tuesday 2/6/87

Gordon C (??) has asked me to his formal. I was really excited (overwhelmed at being asked to another formal) at first, but said later it depended on Mark. I asked him to ring Mark & ‘ask his permission. [Good god Elissa, permission? Are you sure you weren’t born in the 1800’s? So upright, so traditional, so…antiquated!] I really don’t care whether I go or not. I’ll do what Mark wants. [Of course, Doormat!] Mark & I came close to fighting today. (Well, I was hurt, but got over it because he got “down off his high horse” and didn’t let it “carry on.” CONGRATS, markie-poo! (I love you!)) [I just vomitted a little in my mouth…] Otherwise boring day (isn’t every school day?) Mark and his gorgeous smile. He’s so cute! We passed him riding home this arvy (taking Nana back to the [nursing] home) [she still lived in her own self-contained unit at this stage] and I yelled out “spunky” & waved. He smiled & I melted! How can I take 4 days without him? I’ll die, I’m sure! Skin (mine) is terrible. Fixing up tho’. Most people forgetting my hickie now. Beaut cool weather. Wish it’d get even cooler tho’. oh, come on, holidays!

A Life in WordsWednesday 3/6/87

I asked Mark if Gordon rang him. He said yes. [Thank you for playing my silly game, Gordon] I said what’d you say? He said it’s alright with me if I wanted to go. And that was it. I think he didn’t want to talk about, tho I tried to explain I only want to go as a favour to Gordon… I’d rather spend a saturday night with Mark, anyway. Anyway, it was a pretty good day. Better than yesterday Aerobics was sickeningly hard! (I’ve got no co-ordination!) mark came up after & showed me the note he found in his bag (I put it there.) “Aaaargh! How will I survive four days? I love you! I need to see you before you go.” I hope, really hope, we spend it at his place tomorrow night. That’s the best! Hoping he’d ring. Gordon rang me instead. Then I rang Justine (had an excellent idea:) if she couldn’t think of anyone – invite MARK! [No, a very silly, unrealistic, entirely selfish idea] He’d probably refuse. [Yes. Because he doesn’t know these people…] But that’d be great. If he went, that is. Raining now. Not so cold. SHIT. 10:40 SHIT! I ♥ MARK 4 EVA & EVA

Thursday 4/6/87

Ow! My neck’s sore – wonder if it’s out? A Life in WordsTalked a fair bit to him again today. Then tonight he was ‘crazy’ (probably excited about going to Mackay) – we went shopping & driving with Keith. They came back & watched TV at our place .. Mark & I fighting (quite rough) then.. then he had to go. Joking about staying for 4 months ..I said I’d kill him if he stayed away for more than 4 days. [Uh-huh. That’s not displaying dependance-related psychotic tendencies …much.] (Busy day at school today… am doing something in art: Mark! I don’t know if I will though.. it’ll turn out all wrong, I bet. [Oh yes, one of the most retrospectively embarrassing things I did, painting a portrait of  my boyfriend. And it wasn’t a small canvas either. Oh, the shame! Little over-besotted me…] Did chem contract prac in 4th.. & big lunch, with Linda. will just get them finished tomorrow arvy, after school.) Am so tired.. the last 2 days in a row I got out of bed 7:15, when I was woken at 7:00 .. sleeping in!! Usually I’m the last one out of the house! [This doesn’t even make sense to me: how does being the “last one out of the house” relate to usually getting up early? I get that sleeping in = running late = being the last one out of the house but it’s inferred that I don’t normally sleep in?] Boring day tomorrow: ho, hum. 10:30 (by Jule’s swatch) Crikey. Will miss mark. But I’m not suicidal yet; [No …really?]

Friday 5/6/87

(Neck’s still sore) Well, I made it ..no sweat! One day (& night) without mark was O.K. (though I kept thinking (& keep thinking) how exactly a week ago was one of the best nights of my life!!) [Livin’ in the past, girl! A neat little example of how Attachment can cause ‘Pain’: in this case, a positive experience creating Desire for (Wanting, Craving) more…] I did my painting today, mostly & it’s lookin’ great! I’m proud to say I love it! (Of Mark) I can’t believe how much it’s working; resembling him quite well, indeed! [Oh dear. *facepalm*] (Heard Megan, with Tricia, say something & I’m sure she referred to my painting. BITCH.) Everyone else (even Ms Mars.) thinks it’s beaut (NO! Daggy word!) [You correct yourself for a daggy word… when you’re talking about a totally daggy artistic decision?!] Great! Oh I’m tired.. late night shopping ..tried on lotsa dresses in Val Carnes. Liz convinced me red looks best on me (believe it?) And mum & julia too .. so Mark’ll be happy (I can be his LADY IN RED!) [For those new to this serial, Chris DeBurgh’s track “Lady In Red” became a relationship theme song for me one night early in our budding ‘romance’. Here’s the link to that ‘episode’ in late 1986.] Keith rang this morning ∼ 7:15 told me my bankbook was in his car. I said I’d leave it till Tuesday. Won’t be needing it I think. A Life in Words[Oh my, the Bankbook! Most young readers wouldn’t have the first idea what this was. Back in the day, those amazing machines (ATMs) that spit cash out for you at the press of a few buttons, didn’t exist. We had to physically go into a bank (during business hours) and queue up to see a bank teller, to make our manual cash withdrawals. Too bad if you didn’t take enough money out on a Friday afternoon. Ah, the good ol’ days…] Rainy, cold weather BEAUTIFUL!! I’m in a great mood (inside, that is)

Saturday 6/6/87

Boring, wasted day. . couldn’t believe how I wasted it. Woke just before 8:00.. and spent most of morning doing a poster for Cheryl G (TBallers Disco). Then Julia left for dad’s & I watched Airwaves [a locally (well, Townsville) produced music video TV show] alone Having lunch after it, I was going to start study when Amanda & Cherie came. They stayed till about 5:00. [They were actually my sister’s friends too, so it’s even more surprising that they spent the rest of afternoon with me…] So my day was indeed wasted (Amanda & Cherie are so funny, though!) A Life in WordsGot ready after, & mum & I went to the Drive In (to see A Dog’s Tale – FOOTROT FLATS & “COOL CHANGE – an Aussie movie – OK.) Was beautiful and cold! (But not cold enough to dislike it.. just a cold breeze/wind.) I kept thinking about the show & wishing Mark had his own car so we could go to the drive in alone. So now it’s 10:50. And I’m waiting for “RAGE” on the ABC . . (starts 12:30), listening to 4CCR in the meantime (on mum’s clock radio) She’s next door at the Fishers for a quick drink. [Uh-oh. The last time that happened they had to carry her home and worse; we had a ‘prowler’ around our house which frightened the bejesus out of Julia and I and mum couldn’t be woken… see here for that story.] The Perrems are s’posed to be there too. Wonder what’ll happen? So cold & beautiful! (Still, isn’t cold enough!) The wind helps, though. LOVE IT! (Only 2 days left.) Must study tomorrow. MUST.

Sunday 7/6/87

I really have to lose weight. My diet is disgusting. I ate so much crap today. And I did nothing to wear it off. A boring day; I did study. .but only got ½ of bio study done. Have my assignment to do for Friday, yet. Plus bloody chem. study. I have chem, bio & hist. of art tests on Tuesday. Do you believe it? I’m going to fail. And my majors exams start next Tuesday, there’s no way I’ll do well, unless I knuckle right down this week & weekend. I’ve got to do well in them. I’m determined not to cram like I have the rest of my life (this is still cramming though, I guess.. just not overnight .. over a week!) [Uh, yep! While I have a certain ‘photographic memory’ some self discipline would have helped me avoid establishing this bad habit, which only worsened at Uni…] It’s 9:15. Listening to radio till 10:00, Last night I listened to 4CCR all night ..sleeping then waking. A Life in WordsAbout 4:30 turned on “RAGE” stupid heavy metal crap music. So tired this morning – woke around 10:00. Great dream. Raining lots today. These holidays I must diet, exercise & sun bake to get tanned, slim & nice skin for the formal [hmm, many would refute the sunbaking + nice skin correlation these days…] I MUST!! I’m so fat now

The School Mag, Some Sewing & A Dip in the Pool (3-9 November)

Monday 3/11/86

A Life in Words
My (now very aged) copy of the 1986 CHS yearbook

It’s in there [in our school magazine, ‘Euroka’]. That photo [one that was taken of Mark & I at a dance back in August – I was kind of obsessed with it. If you’d like to re/acquaint yourself with that episode, take a look at this post and the one that succeeds it: 11-17 August]. On page 7. At first I was embarrassed but I am glad its in there (not telling anyone (well almost) that, tho!) Cameron talking to me in chem. about Sunday. Told me none of them got sleep (him, Mark, Brett H) Chris, Glynn and Alan D were all in the beds at Cameron’s place so they sat in chairs!!! Were going to ring us up and tell us to take them to the beach and come over and make them something to eat! (wish they did!!) [Wish they did? …at first reading this horrified me; did I really want to be treated like a… like a 1950’s housewife? But to be fair to my little self, I know that my only desire was to spend more time around Mark.] At aerobics saw a cute guy who Mark & Cameron were talking to at Croc. Rock. Dylan [don’t recall that one (guy) at all] yummy!! I love the Euroka! I’ve coloured in pictures…I think I’ve wrecked it , but stuff it – it’s too late now!! I really don’t know about Mark. [What? Know what? Such confusion…] Am tired (not really) is 9:50. Did no HW. Oh well!!

Tuesday 4/11/86

A Life in Words
the ‘designated space’ for signatures on the back cover was never enough…

Got lotsa signatures – however the only guys were Duane, Chris K and Nev. Duane wrote a really nice one. He’s so nice. I wrote a nice one to him too (funny). Didn’t have the guts to get Mark to sign, let alone all the rest of the guys. Oh well, take it tomorrow & see what happens. I really wonder about Mark. I dream . . . wish. [Oh yes. We know, we know…] Mum dropped me to school again this morning – her offer, tho! Julia stayed home – extremely tired (what from – we don’t know) And in sweepstakes at Geoff’s work – her horse got 3rd in the Melbourne cup, so she won $8. Mine I don’t know what happened to it – “Just Now”. [Damn, I just consulted Dr Google and discovered she won the Oaks in Sydney just two days later.] Raining a lot today. Didn’t get a seat on the way home again. fucking annoying. I hate the bus. [Oh how prophetic those words were… If you don’t already know what I’m talking about, you’ll find out in about 3 months’ time…] Is about 9:00. waste all my time colouring in my Euroka. Did no HW again today. Double bio tomorrow, again. Blech! Got 20/40 for my test – probly worst in the class.

Wednesday 5/11/86

Guess what? (again!) I got him to sign – 5th period Bio. Him & Duane had it the whole lesson. Donna & I looked at it on the way to little lunch [I had to have meant ‘big lunch’ here, because 4th & 5th period came after little lunch]. This is what he wrote on the front cover: “To dear Elissa, you’re my favourite lolly-pop lady. Hope that what happened is forgotten. [My guess is that this refers to his behaviour on the night of the final performance of our school musical, back in late August. Click here if you’d like a recap.] I hope to see you & your friends out more (crocodile rock) See you next year in ’87’ ‘GRADE 12’ UNREAL Then a monstrous signature. the buddiesAnd a cartoon Got neatest writing. Then throughout the book graffiti – on our photo. This is great… he liquid papered out the saying [you know how yearbook creators put those speech & thought ‘bubbles’ in over some photos? see pic] & wrote in. “So how about you & me going to a movie!” CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? A Life in WordsAs soon as I got to school, even, Kathy showed me what he wrote in hers – near our photo again something like “Hi Cathy. Mark. I don’t like this photo of me much but I do like this one” (me!) my signings increased so much today.. aerobics fun speech funny. Jeez I don’t believe what happened today. Don’t know how to reply to Mark’s invitation – even whether it’s a joke or not. 9:00

Thursday 6/11/86

Didn’t talk to him – have no guts! Poor guy – probly thinks I hate him (how dare he?) Hope he’s at Megan’s party tomorrow night – that’d be excellent. Rainy weather makes it cool.. wore sharon’s jumper for awhile today. Did a big ‘picture’ of Mark! Tonight, I enlarged a traced picture from Euroka and it turned out excellent!! I’ve stuck it on my wall tonight so I can look at it in the morning when I wake up. [oh dear] Love it! (Love him) Cameron wrote something decent in my mag. today – really sweet too… “Elissa, one of my close friends, hope you had a great ’86. Keep on smilin’, Cameron.” I thought it was so sweet. Sometimes I really feel like giving him a big hug!! Must tell him to go to Mege’s party! Is 10:00 – will be so tired tomorrow night  Can’t wait.

Friday 7/11/86

Ate one piece of pizza & watched a (silly) video, in art. Took up 4th, 5th, big lunch & 6th. I got so damned excited in chemistry about the party . Couldn’t wait – was practically having ‘fits’. Off the bus rode over & picked up Fi’s silk shirt. Was only  a very little behind time – began making a bag but didn’t get it finished so wrapped it up like a “bundle” (swag) Neat! Got to Pancake House. Sharon & I went for a walk met Fi & mima & some others. Back at P.H., Mark, Cam, Duane, Chris & Steven were there. I sat next to cam. Drank a fair bit. I got very tipsy – probly the closest I’ve ever come to ‘drunk‘. Was good – I really thought M. liked me. Talked a lot afterwards, waiting for a lift with Brent (Duane too.) At the party things changed. I got upset. [Here we go again…] Fiona spent heaps of time with him – I was pushed in the pool & being in this “state” wet[you mean drunk? Oh, upset. Upset …and drunk] began crying – alright tho – talking heaps to Cameron – told him how much I love him (as a great friend) [Haha, ‘textbook’ drinking behaviour] About Mark – Fi talked heaps to him about me. I think he doesn’t like me. Only wants to be friends.

Saturday 8/11/86

I didn’t talk to him again that night avoided him all the time – Sharon got with him. was all over him that made it worse. Cried with mimey – [privacy omission here] –  will take ages for me to ‘hate’ (well, not love) him (anymore) Fi spent so much time talking – she wasn’t with him – I trusted her to tell me the truth. And Cameron & Fi were the ones I was “looking for” all night. Esp. when I was being harassed by guys like Jahrad B Michael I. Chris, Duane & Cameron, esp the latter one, I decided are my best male friends. Duane is so nice. Everyone knew I was upset about Mark. In the end, when the guys finally left and we were revved for disobeying instructions (I’m sure Megan hates me) watched videos all night drifted off very little. Had snacks around 3:00. I tried to get Fi to tell me what they talked about – [she said it was] just why monique & I wouldn’t talk to him. [This has just made me realise Monique wasn’t at the party. I wonder why? I’ll bet I’d wished she was when Sharon started acting out with Mark…] Nicole I made friends with. In fact we hung round a fair bit early morning. Went home around 9:30 I think. Slept today – too tired to study much & I almost finished the bag – Is bloody excellent for an amateur I reckon!! Thinking alot; mark – if he only wants to be friends, why did he write so nice about me in Cathy’s Euroka? [I’m really searching for some Hope, huh?] (The movies thing was a “joke” – Duane told him to write it) And cameron my best friend. Really confused I am. REALLY CONFUSED. And tired. Early night tonight (Broke diet badly last night & lost my purse with $10 in it SHIT [Believe it or not, ten dollars warranted getting a little upset about back then. Nowadays it’s only two coffees.]A Life in Words

Sunday 9/11/86

Today I rather wasted. [Surprise, surprise!] Did very little to continue Bio studies. Besides that, I sewed. Mum was having a sewing day – fixing up mending – using up material. I scored  2 new pairs of shorts + a skirt (I haven’t finished yet) and of course, my bag is not yet finished, but looking excellent (well I think so!) Fi rang late this arvy – didn’t tell me anything new. she thinks he’s strange, too. said he really wants to talk to me. I don’t know if I can, I’d like to but I also don’t want to. [What?] Ha! Hot, rather, today! No rain clouds in sight today. Pity. I should do some work before I go bed – is 8:35 now. Should I? I’m to that tired – shouldn’t take me long to attempt it – I’ll see… well, nothing else to say except I’m going to see to it that everyone except Fi thinks I don’t like him anymore. [Hahaha] NITE NITE  Turn over a new leaf! →