Big Boobs, A Buried Hatchet & Relationship Chaos (18-24 January)

Monday 18/1/88

A Life in Words
Palm Cove, with its view of Double Island

Well I was only just awake when Sharon rang. I got up & she wanted me to ride over, then we’d ride to Palm Cove. So I got ready & was just about to leave when mum got the mail: my QTAC stuff arrived. I’d gotten into Gatton – only the B. Tourism, tho’ (like Mark) so I’ve put down that I’ll defer, but I’d still like my higher preferences to be considered. Anyway, the ride was extremely hot and hard, and I nearly stacked it near Smithfield Shopping Centre. So I “collapsed” at Sharon’s and (as she was at Smithfield) when she came back I refused to get on my bike again. So Mrs Weeks dropped us at the beach (Palm Cove) and we lay for only a few minutes, on the beach (it was very hot – mum told me later it was 35°C at 10.30 this morning) then to Ramada for a swim. We saw Juliet’s Dad – Mr. P & Sharon talked to him. It’s so beautiful, that pool, that whole resort! The pool was very cool and the spa, although warm (hot!) was very “theraputic”! After that we lay for awhile in the sun, before “exploring” the hotel and then going down to the shop to get lunch. Back at Ramada, we swam again then hopped in the spa (talking to some English tourists) -couldn’t get  a word in edgewise!) out again, we packed up & went to the shop for last snacks, then tried to ring Sharon’s parents. Her dad took us home. I rang mum, chucked the bike in the ‘back’ [of the car] and at home, read my Gatton info properly. Got ready & went to TAFE – what a let-down: they don’t have a receptionist course at all. Great; so I’m going to have to get an ordinary job for this year. Huh. Well Mark rang around 6:00, 6.30 – and said he’d try to come over. I cleaned out my top drawers and watched TV. He rang saying he’d be late: and he arrived after 9.00. It was boring (especially & ‘extremely’ for him) We watched the Thorn Birds .. that was it: did nothing else, though I tried (well not really) then he wanted to leave straight after. I tried to stop him from going: he was joking around & I just got all choked up & started crying. I don’t really know why – I guess it was because he’s going soon, and we don’t, I think, seem to be spending enough time together. He got out & hugged (& kissed me) And he promised to ring me tomorrow. I need a good sleep.

Tuesday 19/1/88

Woke quite early (that’s becoming an annoying habit lately) but slept in. Was surprised when Mark rang at 9.30 (I thought it’d be 10:00 at the very earliest) We didn’t really decide on anything to do, but he said he’d come over. I thought ½hr…but he rolled up a little later: and I mean rolled: on a bike (he rode here) A Life in WordsWe had a really good day surprisingly enough – water/hose fights … annoying & tickling while watching cricket: was really fun! And when he was going to go, he rang his mum (to pick up the bike) and asked if I could stay, so we mucked around till his dad came, then I hurriedly packed a bag (forgetting the bloody meds & pill) At Mark’s, we mucked around; didn’t really do much: did a lot of kissing, tho’…. most kissing we’ve ever done in one day …YUMMY! Watched cricket … exciting Aust. win! We went to bed at 10.00 or so, and well, talked & kissed till 12.30. Talked about us: not the ordinary relationship stuff, but the sexual side …communication! [privacy omission] I couldn’t believe that: I always thought they [my boobs] were average but he said he always thought they were big. He said [privacy omission] Anyway it was about 12.30, when I climbed back into my bed….

Wednesday 20/1/88

Woke early, around 7.30, again, but managed to doze awhile …Mark was very sleepy. He finally had to get up around 10.00 when Steven arrived. A Life in WordsI lay and listened to some tapes (he wouldn’t let me listen to the Hungry4Hits+1 [privacy omission]) then had a shower. After toast (& an uncomfortable ‘hello’ to Steven) [I’m not entirely sure why I felt uncomfortable? But then, I think he was someone I’d never truly felt comfortable around…] I watched TV, then because Mark wanted to go with Steven to Earlville, he drove me home [privacy omission] Said he’d ring me about what he’s doing tonight. So I unpacked & watched TV, and listened to music for most of the day. Theresa Lauren & Christie were at home when I got there (Julia was babysitting) Julia is being very badly affected by [privacy omission]: very cranky – snaps at you for no reason. Of course, I snap back because it annoys me. Fiona & Joannah (long lost friends!) rang me today. Fiona wanted to go out, and asked me to ring her back when I’d decided. Watching cricket, I fell asleep then Mark rang about 6.30 (earlier? Yeah, 5.30, sorry) and said he was going out, but to Scandals, instead. So I rang around to try to find out who else would be going out. It looked grim. But Fi said she’d come at 9.00. I got ready & we went & picked up Trevor, Matt & Steven G. Up there, Nigel was outside & Keith said they were being really strict on I.D. Fi & I waited awhile then she walked in with Willie & I on my own, totally ‘unhassled’. Was a bit empty inside I stood talking to Tania. Did a fair bit of dancing, before Mark turned up: I was by the airconditioner. with, get this: Nicole, Juliet & Jude, when he walked up & gave me some big passionate kisses… A Life in Wordsthey all walked off! Ha! I didn’t see him much; he got drunker & drunker & seemed to have less & less interest in me. Steven left, but Chris & Mark stayed. I was ‘lost’ … running around either Jude, Juliet, [privacy omission] or Megan. Fiona danced with Trevor nearly all night. Everytime I saw Mark he said he was going. Was he trying to get rid of me? Then this girl came up & dragged him to dance with ..ugh… Belinda K and he danced for ages then, he went to the toilet & I greeted him & we danced, found $2 & got a drink each. [Hmm, clearly still ‘Dollar Nights’ were still happening, not yet ‘illegal’…] [Privacy omission] also talked to me: He said sorry & I said “NO!” I was sorry for not talking last week. Anyhow – we buried the hatchet. Mark kept going to talk to Belinda & her friends. I was a bit hurt & annoyed – talked to Tania. Then he, Chris & Keith went outside. So, did it seem, did the whole of Smithy’s. Outside with Fi I saw [privacy omission] fighting someone, then further down the carpark – [privacy omission] they got into someone’s car & left. I felt so exhausted: bored, tired and annoyed, hurt & depressed about Mark. Finally Fi took me .. well, Matt first, then Trevor, but we had to go back to see if Steven G. was still there. He wasn’t & when Trev. got out again, I lay down & dozed off. Woke hearing [privacy omission] interrogating Fiona. I pretended to be asleep. Then, when she dropped me home – we talked. Then, I got into bed at 3.40.

Thursday 21/1/88

[Last night] I talked to heaps of people: Steven S, Stewart P, Richard O’S, Wayne C & Kel B, Tania (of course): people I wouldn’t (well except Tania, Kel & Wayne) normally talk to. Anyway, [today] I woke before 9.00 & couldn’t get back to sleep so did ‘nothing’ (listened to Bruce Springsteen) while waiting for Mark’s call. I was going to give him until 11.30 to ring & when he hadn’t, I tried – but the phone was engaged. I got through at 11.45 and he told me he was sore (ribs & ear) and that he went to Casualty at the hospital, last night, to check his wounds. A Life in WordsHe head-butted the guy, [privacy omission]. He thought he might’ve had cracked ribs so they went to hospital. I felt really sorry for him & said I’d be over ‘soon’. Got there during DAYS OF OUR LIVES, sometime and we just watched TV all night (I mean, afternoon) I went before he went to the dentist (or just as he was leaving) and he said he’d ring me when he got home. At home, I rang, who was it? CB & [privacy omission]! (I ‘christened’ their new phone) and talked for ages! Then Mark rang soon after & we decided I’d go to his place. On the way there I remembered I forgot meds, so we went to the shop… Julia saw Mark, so he saw us (he waved, she said) so we went back again (he saw us again, though) and got chocolate & lolly-gobble-bliss-bombs.A Life in Words Mark was waiting on the steps when I arrived and asked why we kept driving around. I produced the “goods” and he said silly girl! We watched TV all night (well, till after Moonlighting) when Mark wanted me to ask him Trivial Pursuit Q’s… but ended up watching Dallas, instead. Went to bed without kissing or talking (he didn’t seem to be talking to me)….

Friday 22/1/88

I remember waking briefly at 3.40am & wanting to wake Mark to wish him Happy Anniversary, but deciding against it. [Er, very good decision…] We woke quite early and the mucking around was a bit rougher. [privacy omission] I got a bit upset when he didn’t respond after that at all, & got up & walked out of the room. I heard him shower, then I got up, went to the loo & asked for a towel. I accidentally let Tippy [their dog] out and felt worse after that. I had a cry in the shower. Out, he was making breakfast & when he’d finished his, asked me if I wanted any. “NO.” I was watching TV. He sat down & mucked around with the Trivial Pursuit game, then asked if I’d like to play “Yeah”. So we did, and it was better after that. I asked for lunch, after Keith left [privacy omission]. Sandra made me a tunafish sandwich. I was shitty with Mark. [Here I have omitted details of his behaviour towards me]. So I did & it HURT. It hurt so much. I sat alone then Sandra & Mrs. W. went out. I watched cricket and cried. then I went in his room – [privacy omission] I asked what was wrong, why he was doing this to me – what did I do to deserve it? A Life in WordsHe said [privacy omission]. FUCK HIM. He got all shitty back last year when I joked about him leaving the hospital – he took that seriously – he overreacted and I wasn’t half as mean – [privacy omission]. He is a CONTRADICTORY PRICK. HE HURTS ME SO MUCH. I couldn’t believe this was happening. It was the first time he’d been like this since he’d been back – since we even broke up in September. WHY? I gathered I was suffocating him again … he was seeing too much of me. (We could never live together [well hello, glaring hint…] – it’d kill me – much as I’d’ve liked to) So I apologised, [WTF… why?] said I’d call him. [I’m not sure if you can fathom exactly how painful this is for me to witness and ‘re-live’: my blindness, weakness, (stupidity?) attachment (addiction) and tenacity is beyond mortifying. It’s glaringly obvious now how unhealthy the relationship was – for both of us – but it was an imperative life experience.] Mum came & I was only ‘silent’ at home for a little while. Rang Mima – she got back this morning! So mum dropped me round – I have no present for her yet, she didn’t give me anything, anyway. She (nor anyone) seemed not to have put on weight, [I obviously had it in my head that everyone who holidayed overseas should gain weight? I’d made similar comments about Mark upon his return as well…] though her face & hands were much paler. [Uh, der… Europe in Winter; not a lot of sunbaking going on…] She dropped me home after 6.00 & I rang CB. She wasn’t going out, was home on her own & asked if I’d like to come over. I said yes. There, around 8.00, we listened to music & talked & wrote in her Euroka [the Cairns High school magazine/yearbook], after I rang Mark. He seemed O.K. again… again we talked for awhile. I mentioned Cameron visited me, and he thought I meant at CB’s (Ha,ha!) No! Before I left for CB’s! (He’s going Thursday, to the Gold Coast)  A Life in WordsSo we got a delivery pizza & after 11.00, we watched RAGE although CB fell asleep.. I soon did too … kept dozing on & off (mostly off) At 2.30 I woke her (well she kinda woke at the same time I sat up) & we got ready for bed. Then she started talking again..

Saturday 23/1/88

We woke a little after 7.00. I rang mum at 7.35 (sat watching RAGE TOP 50, while CB got ready for work, before mum picked me up) At home, continued watching Rage & Jo rang during INXS “Need You Tonight” A Life in Wordsto say how stunningly similar Mark was to the drummer, Andrew Farriss; [we had previously noticed and marvelled at this apparent coincidence back in August 1987 (see here) whilst attending their ‘Kick’ concert at the showgrounds] we didn’t really have much else to say to each other, otherwise. Watched the last of it (Faith is no# 1 again – yay!) and spent the day listening to music, doing scrapbook but mostly NOTHING. Rang Fiona after 4.00- talked about Mark: then rang CB – she said she’d ring [privacy omission]. I rang Mark after 5.00 & he wasn’t extremely friendly. Said he’d watched videos today – went to Keith’s and they went to Nicole’s. [Privacy omission]. Then he refused my offer of the movies, saying he might go with Keith to the Drive-In. Didn’t invite me [privacy omission] BASTARD. I hung up & tried hardest to ring Fi (engaged for ages) Then I bauled on the phone. She says I should forget him: [privacy omission]. I rang [privacy omission] & she rang Nicole who told her she was going to the Drive In. Great. “Liar”, I thought. I rang him up, using the excuse that [privacy omission] was going to pick up the Trivial Pursuit. He wasn’t going. Oh. So I watched TV & eventually rang him again. This time he was going. HURT. Anyway, he said he’d ring me tomorrow. so we’ll wait & see if he remembers. It’s only 8.35 – there’s nothing on TV tonight – I’m alone. Seems everyone’s out – Mum & Julia at movies with Cynthia, mima, Fi & Sue, Brent etc at the movies, Mark at movies and CB, [privacy omission] etc at 21st party. So I’m going to have an early night – maybe wake later to watch some Rage (on my TV) [Wha…? ‘My’ TV? We must have bought our new little Sony telly so I inherited the old 1970’s Rank Arena set …that still required knob-tuning to change channels, volume, etc!] Mum just rang to say she’s coming soon. I’d like to be asleep by then. A Life in WordsPretty bloody horrible day today, but I might go to the beach tomorrow & definitely to Beach Party Nite at the Playpen at night. Oh, and Mark’s ringing …(?!?)

Sunday 24/1/88

Well, I woke around 8.30 and thought immediately of Mark (of course) Decided to wait to ring Fi and watched cricket, but 9.30 was too late as I found out: she’d just left for mima’s. I waited (must’ve been longer than I thought) to ring mima & there was no answer cricket was off due to rain. I rang again round lunch time, but still no answer. “Great”, I thought. So much for sympathy for Elissa. So I watched TV all day. (yeah, cricket came back on) & was just finishing writing to Gatton about deferment when Mike & Cynthia came. Luckily was not long till [privacy omission] & CB (& Pol & Peter) dropped by & said “we’re going to Crystals”. I grabbed a towel & with a short singlet dress & no shoes, felt like a big dag. Picked up Sharon, then at Crystals walked right up to near the top & eventually only stayed for about ½hr (it was cold). On way home, stopped in.. CB, [privacy omission] & Sharon looked at photo albums & school magazines & my scrapbook while (& after I’d finished) packing. Then we went to withdraw money for Sharon, but she’d left her cashcard at home, so [privacy omission] drew some of hers. FOOD from Kentucky Fried, then muck around back at [privacy omission]‘s. Tasha & Lisa C came up, as well as Matt & Trevor. I rang mum & found out Mark apparently said “Where is she?” and Julia said “I don’t know, but she won’t be coming home tonight.” So. What was I to do? I felt sick thinking about it – CB said yes, [privacy omission] said no – what should I do? I left it too late anyway: We were running late as it was. Got to Double Vision just before 9.00 – Megan was there, but not alone – with Ashley & ..Jo! Yay! But Ashley & Jo went home. At first, Sharon, CB & I went up, but CB & I were rejected. I produced false school I.D. & she just accepted it. CB luckily got in on a change of bouncers. then she & Sharon had a really ‘hot’ cocktail [called a ‘Zombie’ and “hot” in that it was – like the ‘Explosion’s we drank at the House on the Hill nightclub – consumed while alight] & were blown away. Guess who we saw? And who went up to talk to? A Life in Words(CB & Sharon) DANNY ROBERTS! From Sons & Daughters! – Andy Greene!! [Who? Until I found a photo (right) I was coming up blank…] But I stayed with [privacy omission] & Megan cos’ they weren’t ‘chasing’ him [I’ve always despised the ‘groupie’ thing; hanging around people for their fame seemed so shallow to me.] – I got bored instead because they were after this other guy. Remember Tyler N? He was there and god, is he hot?! YUMMY. When it ended (well, you should’ve seen the wet Tshirt competition- this horrid guy was standing near me coaxing me to go in it, saying, “you’ll make a killing. If you’ve got it, flaunt it.” Stupid shit.) [Creep.] We went to a 24hr & [privacy omission] stole 2 blocks of chocolate. I was smoking & spinning out!! CB & Matt (W) had a big chocolate fight & [privacy omission] was not impressed. We dropped Megan home and got ready for bed at [privacy omission]‘s. Then I was writing my diary when CB started reading it, cause she was trying to ignore [privacy omission] – it really scared us for awhile – he was scraping a rake against the windows, then hiding. It’s 2.00 and I’m finally finished! Yay! But I’m not even real tired. Guess I’ll have to ring Mark soon (tomorrow) Mph! God I hate Nicole! [Nah, you’re just intimidated by her.] I guess CB & I’ll be talking for awhile now…. G’nite!

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TE Scores, Life Purpose & A Line is Crossed (21-27 December)

Monday 21/12/87

[This post carries over from my previous post: I’d attended a party on the Sunday night, so continued diarising into Monday’s allotted space] [I was] extremely blind drunk. I don’t know why it happened- why I went to Freshwater School with [privacy omission]; I didn’t know what was happening, but the fact was, it did. A Life in WordsI remember crying after it. saying “what am I going to do?” He said “nobody can know about this”. I really don’t remember very much. [But I did recover ‘snippets’ of memory perhaps after the alcohol – or shock? – wore off…] He escorted me home I vaguely remember showering before jumping into bed totally naked. Woke this morning- Julia said “Chris & Cameron are here” & they came in the room. (I lay under the doona) SO EMBARRASSING! [um, yes…] They stayed for awhile: cooked their own brekkys. Watched TV ..Brent rang & the mailman came at the same time. I got 870!! [TE (tertiary entrance) score] Cool! [Privacy omission: here I’d listed some friends’ scores…] Then they left & I did nothing all day – except get extremely hyper [worked up] about the events of last nite. I rang Jo to talk & she helped me a bit. I feel terrible I regret the whole night so much & I feel sick when I think about it. So I tried to think of Jim. [What? Why?] Fi came round & I told her. I hope [privacy omission] doesn’t tell anyone: [well if you had to talk about it – and it IS essential for emotional health – you can’t expect him to remain silent. That’s the pot calling the kettle black.] it’ll be bad enough facing mark about just getting with [privacy omission] to start with let alone him discovering what “else” happened. Fiona sympathized: you just can’t trust your friends even, these days. But, oh shit, she left & I had tea & a bath & [then she came back and collected me and] we went driving for 2 hours: was good – has gotten my mind quite off it now (I WANT JIM C) [This sentiment was a product of my immediate state of mental health: desperate for distraction. KurandaI couldn’t want Mark under the current circumstances… I ‘needed’ something/someone unrelated…] we even went to Kuranda NITE.

[I didn’t realise at the time – nor for very many years after – that what happened to me on that night constituted rape. Back in those days rape was commonly defined by violence, not simply ‘non-consensual’ relations. So, for a long time, I simply considered what happened a breach of trust: a friend taking advantage of me. But I was torn, because I didn’t feel entirely innocent: I had kissed him first, earlier in the night. I had led him on, hadn’t I? Did I invite it? Did I deserve it? Absolutely not …because I didn’t ask for it; I wasn’t given a choice. There was no consensus, let alone consent. I was in a completely defenseless state. We know these days – it’s understood and accepted – that ‘provocative’ behaviour (like clothing) does not – not ever – constitute an excuse to ‘proceed’. It is not an ‘unconditional’ green light. I had only ever kissed the guys I “got with” – I’d never gone any further with anyone, other than my boyfriend. When fragments of my memory returned, I recalled crying silent tears as it happened (not just afterwards, as I’d diarised) and the word “no” scrolling through my mind …but does “No mean No” if it’s a mere thought, not spoken word? Of course it does. I didn’t want it to happen. I didn’t enjoy it. A Life in WordsBut I was too legless to resist, to even realise fully what was happening. The fact that I felt betrayed, that someone I thought was a friend had taken advantage of me in my compromised state, affirms a line was crossed. Whilst I have long since processed the incident, freeing myself from any negative mental or emotional consequences and forgiving the individual concerned, I will never condone his actions nor attitude in this ordeal and fully support the desperate need for change in societal gender issues.]

Tuesday 22/12/87

Well I slept right in today: even past the mailman’s delivery (early today!) Got papa’s Xmas prezzy $20. An electrician was here, putting in a ceiling fan in our living room – Uncle Mike’s present to us for Xmas!! It’s so unreal – cools right down. [I can’t believe we’d lived in that house for three (?) years previously without any fans. These days airconditioning is pretty much standard in FNQ dwellings…] So I bludged all morning – T.V. till went shopping with mum and julia. A Life in WordsBut of course, I didn’t get any personal Xmas shopping done. We got home before 5:00 & I read Dolly all arvy & nite: [privacy omission] rang after dinner. .around 8:00, said he’d come over [privacy omission]– after 10:00. I got nervous sounded like, well, I thought he sounded like he wanted a relationship to arise…[?] thank god it wasn’t that. At first (he came round 10:30) we only talked generally. Actually, that’s all we did, besides slotting in the subject now & then. [Uh, yes, because …it was an extremely uncomfortable, difficult topic for both of us to broach…] He said he doesn’t want me to tell him [my boyfriend] – if he has to know, he wants to be the one to tell him. I don’t know. [Yep, back then I sure didn’t know …didn’t know much at all. I didn’t know that this uncertainty was my Gut trying futilely to override my fearful Mind, to insist that I be the one to tell him. Because, in the adult world, the responsibility lies with the partner – not the ‘buddy’ – due to a thing called Intimacy. In a normal, healthy relationship, there shouldn’t be anyone closer to your partner than you. I had to be the one to open up because I was (or should have been) closer to Mark than his friend. There’s also the fact that whomever doesn’t own up, potentially appears more guilty…] I’m just glad it’s over. [oh Liss, it so isn’t over..] He won’t tell anybody & neither will I. Depending on how Mark & I are when he gets back .. speaking of whom […and here I mentioned his and yet more others’ TE scores…] It’s 1:20!!

Wednesday 23/12/87

I went to town with Jo on the 11:00 bus. Before-hand, Mr B rang and told me Mark was accepted into the B. Business [privacy omission] so that’s good, I guess. I barely got anything done: Joannah did. Saw Jeffrey M & hid. [Wuss] Saw Fi, too! I got Julia’s, Fi’s & Jo’s [christmas presents]. Didn’t get mum’s. Found out Jo’s sister’s best friend bought the shoes I wanted to buy mum. So we caught the 5:20 bus home : and after a long time, got to Ingrid’s (CAD I & II) party just before 8:00. A Life in WordsWas O.K. Not great. Had to borrow $10 from Jude (Mars) to get taxi home. Got ready (pretty drunk) and Fi took us there. No q’s getting in. Just got in the door & stopped there – so many people! Jim included. I thought ‘WOW!’ cause he was talking to Fi & kind of hanging around as a group. But it wore on. Phillip C was there. And Jim told Fiona he likes me (So Peter H told me too) I got to talk to Jim, but he went off with (??) outside Smithy’s & I heard he was talking to Fiona. Great. He likes her. I was kinda down→

Thursday 24/12/87

→for the rest of the night (seemed quite a few people knew I liked Jim) so we left around 2:30, 3:00. Fiona said he liked Belinda, (K). Dean had said to me “he dumped Fiona for Belinda”. Great. That virtually proved it (that it was Fiona above me, anyway, disregarding Belinda) [Ego, Ego, Ego…] Fiona verbally didn’t agree. Anyway, I woke rather late. . . spent the day worrying about what to do for the rest of my life. I have no idea. [This feeling/issue has pervaded my life ever since. It morphed into the larger, more intimidating fear – lack of purpose. A Life  in WordsThis has been the bedrock of my life’s depressions and I am only now – in my mid forties – learning that Life Purpose is a construct: it’s not necessary …and in fact, is not necessarily real.] SHIT Fiona came down. Then mum & I went to town – I got Sharon & Nigel’s prezzy’s; met Jo & took her home – Fiona, me & her all gave each other our prezzies & Nigel came over & gave us his. When everyone left, I got ready. Fi came around 8:30 – Sharon late. After KFC, picked up Sue. The party was full of rev-heads. So went with Wade & Co to Coppelode (I felt so down – out of place) Back to the party to check it out – none other than Jim (& Trevor & Robert M…) & NIGEL! so a convoy of us raced out to Holloways (no party as they said) Jim talking to Fiona. I felt down again. All drove (actually just got Jim’s & Fi’s cars – lost Nigel & Wade) around dropping people home. There ended up Robert Jim & David (J)

Friday 25/12/87 XMAS DAY

A Life in Words
my spunky drop-waisted acid-wash denim skirt

→In jim’s car & Sharon, Fi & I in her car. We decided on swimming at Freshwater Creek. As soon as we got there – Richard O’S & Stewart & Co turned up. Swimming was beautifully cool (cold!) + scary! Got out & all mucked round (laughed so much!) dropped Sharon home around 3:00. And at Holloways, we played Hide’n’seek. Jim & Robert against Fi & I, Stewart & Praybon against Richard & David So I got home 4:45. I had a great time, but I was down inside: Fiona. god she irritated me. I made [tried to make?] her guilty saying things, […which only makes you look like a miserable sook…] but she still stood near him, flirted with him (maybe she didn’t know it, but it hurt me) So I was down. Mum woke me at 8:30. Jodie & Mike gave me a cute denim skirt! [See right. Cute maybe in the 80’s… but downright ugly now.] (At dad’s I got $100 voucher for GOOD TIME) Home again- I nearly fell asleep before Mike & Cynthia came. Ate so much today (Piggy) Fell asleep in afternoon. Rang Fi, Sharon & Jo . . . none of them were home. Uneventful Christmas day really although I’ve made some good (well, pleasing or interesting to me) career decisions And I’ve decided on newspaper or TV (maybe radio?!) primarily Cairns, then Brisbane. Also get a folio of photos – send to a photographic modeling agency!! [Well well well. I didn’t know I’d considered modelling at this point in my life… other than as one of the tools we’d tried (unsuccessfully) to utilise in my compensations claim after the bus accident…]

Saturday 26/12/87

Well what a day! I spent most of the morning in bed – got up round 10:00. Rang Fiona – she said at Sue’s last nite, Geoffrey, Dean & Trevor rang them & asked them to come out. She said to me that they didn’t. A Life in WordsI did ironing after that (previously swimming in the Fishers pool & etc) & Jo came & we went to see her off. She [Fiona?] was there (of course) and told me that the Xmas Eve party was PRIVATE. Back to Jo’s saw Jim & his car was in a deep ditch. Philip N, Trevor & Dean were in a crash. We stayed round Jeffrey’s, talking to them all arvy found out they’d been at Fiona’s beforehand- I feel so betrayed (by her) & sue (cos’ I asked about the Xmas Eve party & Phil & Jim said “No! It’s open!”) WHY? Why did they do it to me? What’ve I ever done to Fiona? […apart from being a whingey bitch?] Let alone Sue? Anyway, Philip seemed to be taking an interest in me (ha, ha!) & he’s going to beach nite! I got home round 6:00→ Sharon & I went to town→got

Sunday 27/12/87

→Bailey’s & milk then went to Playpen. I am still pretty drunk (may tell by the writing) […actually, my handwriting wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been at other times…] Was unreal. Cute Clinton & I talked to Jeffrey M’s friend Heiffer for ages, just before we left. He’s so nice!!!! Now it’s 2:30. Don’t forget Sharon owes me $12.00. [That equated to three or four drinks back then…] Ok? Nite! ∏ Well I woke to the phone, before 10:00. (Angela M – wanting to know if I wanted to go to Magnetic Island on Mon. Tues & Wed) and wasted the whole day. I really wanted to sleep, but couldn’t. A Life in WordsWatched TV (cricket) and finally slept in the afternoon, Sharon ringing at 5:30 to say she didn’t want to go out (sore throat) I didn’t mind (I just hope Philip didn’t go .. cause of me) Fat chance, huh?! Jo & I had a long phone talk during the day (’bout Jim, Fiona & everything else) Otherwise – it was sleep & TV. Boring!! So hot! (But rained all day) Just realized there’s just over one week till Mark gets back … And I haven’t changed one bit like I said I would→ I’m fatter than I was when he left, my wonderful tan has faded (& the rain won’t help me get it back) oh dear! Cannot wait till New Years!! What’ll I do tomorrow? I think I should clean out my bedroom it’s 10:10

 

My Golf Debut, A Soccer Cork & People Smuggling (7-13 December)

Monday 7/12/87

It arrived today: a letter (8 pgs) from Mark. I was woken at 8:30 – a call from Cameron about golf . . I got ready & waited: didn’t even hear the postman go past – but checked around 9:20. It made me angry, most of it (all I could think of was [privacy omission] & his lie to me) Mima came. A Life in WordsAt Yorkey’s Knob (finally – around 10:30) golf was hot, but great fun. I got better as I progressed. [I’d hope so: from memory it took me 25 shots to reach the first hole. Classic! One of the boys actually made a hole in one later on.] Mark R was there (I didn’t recognise him – mima had to tell me. Wonder if he still likes me?) we only did one round (9 holes) then ate and went to mima’s. A quick dip in the pool, before had to leave. . Took Glyn & Cameron home before me. Wanna go to the beach tomorrow. Will ring her after 9:30 Forgot to ring Jo at all. Umah. [Privacy omission] confessed it was Fiona she was annoyed with on Sat. nite. God my excretory system has been [w]reaking havoc with me lately. [I’m surprised I didn’t go into more detail…] Got blisters today from my high cuts (gym boots) Played golf in socks mostly!! Wrote back to Mark tonite only 4 pages (rushed & messy at the end) will send as soon as possible. Mentioned I wanted to talk to him etc . . .

Tuesday 8/12/87

Guess what? I arise around 9:00, and the postie still hasn’t been (not that I’m expecting anything) he comes at 9:15-9:30 & we [my sister and I, I assume] race to the letterbox. Lo & behold, there’s another letter from Mark. It was better. the things he wrote sounded more sincere – yesterday’s sounded false & forced: like a boring chore. So anyway Fi & I went to town around 11:00 (11:30) (I’d begun to write back this morning – mum’d already sent last nite’s – nicer than the retaliatory one I’d written↑) [in my diary this arrow pointed back up towards the phrase “last nite’s” …so, in a confusing way, I was saying that the second letter I’d begun to writing was nicer than the first (‘retaliatory’) one I’d scribbled ‘last night’ …which, thanks to mum’s efficiency, was already on its way to him.] Initially looking for clothes & presents, we ended up scouring every clothes shop, handbag shop, shoe shop, leather shop, art shop, looking for a “purse-on-a-string” (had to be black leather too) for Fiona. Not only in town: Earlville & KMart too. Eventually bought a black purse in D.J’s & black leather thonging (for a strap.) A Life in WordsHome just after 5:00, I finished writing to Mark. Was so tired. Watched TV. So hot now. Am so sore from golf- my arms & upper torso muscles aching! (Blisters on feet & sore legs from all the walking today too.) NITE!!

Wednesday 9/12/87

Very bad sleep.. woke up occaisionally : but had to get up just before 6:00 -the headache was so bad. (Worse lying down) Complained to mum- took 2 tablets [painkillers, most likely paracetamol] – read the paper, but had to go back to bed- & fell asleep. Woke around 8:30-9 all better. I think it’s the heat : got it on & off all day as we went in aircond. to outside heat (temp. extremes) [Hmm, my guess now would be more dehydration than ‘heat stroke’… I never (very rarely) drank water back then *grimace*] Didn’t do photos . . no time (bumming around KMart Earlville & town.) Got the neg’s [negatives] tho’ from the dark room (to sort through & pick out what’s wanted) when Fi got her report card. Swim (& cleaned the car) at mima’s ..then indoor soccer. I played in the warm up/practise game – fun tho’ I had no shoes on – sore feet & I got kneed in the thigh (hurty!) went briefly to KFC, before picking up Sue. [Outside the drive-in] I got in the [car] boot (shit scared) & they hid her [under a blanket or doona I think. Smuggling people in to the drive in was relatively common devious practice apparently but this was my first time.] . . so we paid for 3 but got 5 in .. & we even won the 2 comp. tickets! (Ha, ha!) Lethal Weapon & Lost Boys (both AGAIN!) are excellent Am so dead!

Thursday 10/12/87

Well, I got up around 8:30 – later than usual (earlier, I mean) and I started to sort through the big carton of “stuff”. […the carton I collected from the school dark room yesterday, that I thought only contained negatives…] Only a small portion was negatives, but they took ages to get thru’? Then I looked through the rest of the box: old photos (’75, ’74, ’73 & ’72 .. some teachers were students then!! Mr Gross. looked so young in some!) & 1983 Euroka layout. [I’m not sure exactly why I wanted these negatives in the first place… I think it may have been to collect as many memories of my two years at Cairns High as possible – to print off pictures that I may never otherwise possess – nor even see – again.] After that, it was mid-afternoon & I bludged the rest of the day. Jo rang (both confessed we were nervous to contact each other in case were angry with each other!) […I definitely had been unhappy with her in the previous week…] & I asked her to (inconspicuously) find out if  Mark’s written to ‘Niccy’ yet. Went late night with mima, brent & fi for a very short time, then back at Mike & Cynthia’s to mind Dougie & Thomas. I tried to sleep after MOONLIGHTING. A Life in WordsThey came home after Dallas- was dying to get home. On arrival noticed one french door was slightly ajar: shit ourselves. Luckily no one had entered [….so I’m assuming we had left it open by mistake?]

Friday 11/12/87

Well, we went in to do the photos & Ms. Marsland informs me that the whole school will be locked up at noon. So we decided against even starting the developing left everything in the dark room: ready for next year, then went into town. (Saw Mr. Gross. & the year 8 & 9 concert!!) stayed in town shortly – op shopping for mima’s trench coat for Europe. Then Fi got the car & we went to the Esplanade -had pizza & milkshakes. Took the video ONE CRAZY SUMMER out & watched it at Fi’s (she had to work). [That seems a bit odd…watching a video at your friend’s house when she’s not even home?] Then at 3:30 Mum, Julia & I went (back) into town to do xmas shopping. Got all Larcombes prezzies. I have to buy: Mark, Mima, Fi, Jo, Cameron, Mum, Julia & Dad. shit! I have no money! Anyway, home around 6:30, watched TV. Rang Deanne. Rang Fi She rang back “Yeah, we’ll go for a little while.” [go where?] .. I get mostly ready and she rings back – “a change of plan”. . . so I watched the (absolutely) PATHETIC movie “Great American Traffic Jam”. SUCKS severely. [Pretty much spot on there… I watched the YouTube trailer (below) whilst looking for an image and OMG it IS pretty bad. If you’re curious enough, waste three minutes of your life checking it out!]

I hate thinking about Nicole & Mark. I hate Nicole & I hate thinking about MW [Wow, such vitriol. I actually refuse to use the word ‘hate’ at all now, but then I usually don’t feel such intense negativity anymore…]

Saturday 12/12/87

It’s 2:30 (am) I’m in a very “bland” mood today, I went to work in the morning – for about 2-3 hours (did little work but got $10 for it) then at home, I did artwork all arvy (waste!) [How is it a waste if you don’t have anything else pressing? I wish I could make myself create something now; I literally haven’t produced any fine art in decades…] Sharon actually rang me: but she never rang back so we didn’t take. her to the party. Fiona, Sue & Jemima came around 8:30, or later (Fi & mima went back to get Fi’s shirt for me). The party was just slowly moving when we got here (lotsa people: no action) we went to the drivein bottleshop & I was left out. A Life in WordsI could sense a [privacy omission] togetherness practically as soon as they picked me up. [So got casks of ½ & ½ with Colleen, Lisa & [privacy omission] Didn’t [have] any affect at all. I was rather depressed. Jim C. was there with someone, Jeff M of course I didn’t talk to anyway, and … Stewart. God I want him. [The grass is always greener?] It made me depressed overall. We never said a word – but we both knew we were there. […were both aware of one another’s presences…] I got a mass depression (with Jude, Juliet, Colleen, Anna etc..) [Hmm, that’s interesting. Did I mean that my depression deepened being around these people …or were we all depressed together?!] Party broke up round midnight

Sunday 13/12/87

→but we stayed & mucked around. Liam & Aaron (K) are so funny! Woke around 9:00 (yep, that exactly, actually: mum woke me demanding to know whether or not I was going to do any pictures to sell at the Freshwater markets .. I said (grumpily) “NO!”) [Partly being rebellious, but mostly lazy. This is anecdote elicits a little melancholy because it reminds me how much mum believed in me, in my artistic talent. But the problem is, I didn’t – because I compared myself to others (something I still struggle with in some ways now). I even remember her suggesting I try to draw again a few years before she passed, when I was experiencing ‘purposelessness’ during a bout of depression.] So, I bludged the morning till 11:00 when I rang Jo. I got to her place before 12:00 and we watched the TV matinee movies .. Finally went to Palm Cove around 3:00 (2:30) Bludged – watching guys (bad weather Barely anyone there) then we shut up shop. . .went & had a cocktail at Ramada ..really relaxed me. And I went for a drive A Life in Words[even if there was a law relating to alcohol consumption for ‘learner drivers’ (these days there is zero tolerance) we clearly knew nothing of, nor cared about, drink- driving…] (laughed so much) then, stopped at Smithfield on way back . . Stewart didn’t look at me – say anything except goodbye. God, it hurts It’s not fair. Why can’t he fall for me? [Because… that’s life.] Solve all my problems about Mark. [Oh this naivety is just plain embarrassing!] Jo dropped me home round 7:15. Watched TV all night (Mum next door at Fishers again … drunk . . then sick .. then grumpy) as usual […um, the “as usual” makes it sound like she was a regular drinker but she most definitely wasn’t. What I meant was that when she did drink (she didn’t need much at all) she was almost always sick… sick “as usual”… and the grumpy part? Well… isn’t everyone unhappy when they’ve vomitted?!]

My Learner’s License, Senior Certificate & Mum’s Broken Toe (30 November-6 December)

Monday 30/11/87

I woke to a few phonecalls, ignored them and kept sleeping. Around 11:00 – jemima saw me open my eyes.. I felt terrible…they’d all been up for ages. [This is pretty much ‘unheard of’ for me.. I was usually unable to sleep in – and was often the first one awake – at sleepovers…] and Fi was there (had been for an hour!) so we went (via my place to get money & change of clothes & take my pill) & got 2 videos & lotsa food [that is, junk… stuff I wouldn’t class as ‘food’ these days]. A Life in WordsFinally at mima’s, we watched LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (newer one) […I’m assuming by “newer one” I meant the 1986 production as opposed to the original 1960’s version] – Funny!! Then Playing Beattie Bow through which Joannah arrived (Peter & Edward M already there) After that (not-so-good) video – talked about the party … Fi dropped me home Mum wasn’t extremely happy. She’s getting really ‘uppity’ about the amount of time I spend at home (“very little”) but I’m YOUNG and I’ve just finished SCHOOL! I need to get out and make friends & have fun!! [Ha! Dad would abruptly counter this attitude with “No, you need to get a job and start paying your way” (justified!) but mum wasn’t quite as direct as he, and I’m certain that for her it was more personal: apart from possibly feeling like she was being taken for granted (in her care-giver role) she would also have been simply missing me. I’ve always been more social than my mother & sister (this I inherit from my dad) so our motivation and understanding of each other in this respect was ‘misaligned’. Even in my later years, when I’d moved to the Gold Coast, she (& my sister) whinged about the amount of time I didn’t spend ‘at home’ when I came to visit them, but I understand that it’s fundamentally derivative of their love for me. I can certainly see however the selfishness and immaturity in my teenaged attitude now…] Anyway I nearly went to sleep around 6:00, but got up & had a shower – I knew I had to ring Crabbie. Jo & mima weren’t home. Couldn’t tell [him] much. Got Jo & mima later – they’ve no definite plans yet either so all plan-making will be done 2morrow (last minute – as usual) I [← I have no idea what this marking actually was – whether it was a capital ‘I’ or the number ‘1’ – nor, of course, why it was there: had I meant to begin another sentence or was I simply going to record the time?]

Tuesday 1/12/87

Disappointment! The party was cancelled and I only found out as I was ready to leave. Today I stayed home – sunbaked (& got a bit burnt) in the morning, as well as writing to mark (but what’s the point?)A Life in Words [The point most likely being no address to send it to? I’m not sure why else I’d consider it pointless…] and spent the afternoon unpicking [the stitching of] an old dress of mums. (I have heaps of old clothes & material to make clothes – no time & patience, though) [surprise, surprise] Jo rang a number of times during the day (Wayne did [only once] too, to say he wasn’t coming) so I started to get ready around 5:15 (and of course couldn’t find anything I wanted to wear) so finally ready at 6:50.. rang Fi to tell her I’m coming & sorry I’m late, but she still wasn’t home, so I rang mima “Oh, sorry, didn’t anyone tell you it’s been cancelled?” I must’ve shown my disappointment more than I thought cos when Fi rang, she noticed. So I stayed home – watched TV, during big thunder-/rain storms. Now is about 9:30. Early nite for once???!

Wednesday 2/12/87

10:34 – yet another night at home. But a busy day! This morning I woke around 8:00 (woke a fair bit last nite – felt still very tired & weak this morning) and Jemima rang around 9:30. We finally left for town around 11:00 (Deanne rang me beforehand, too!) I tried to ring Jo, but phone was engaged. So, met Seigi & Colleen & Danaë and Jude in town . . told us the party (ended up at Mulgrave Rd) was excellent (Great) [←Can you feel the disappointment oozing from this solitary sarcastic comment?] so I got a pair of $47 black on white (stripes) bikinis (finally!) then we all went to the beach – not many people at all! Dropped Jude & Danaë off (fi dropped off Colleen) then went around town trying to find the (indoor) soccer team etc… watched indoor soccer (Fi told me a deep secret and I feel priveleged – finally find out something about her (her love for…..)) [I have no absolutely NO recollection of the identity represented by these dots now] at home 7:30 (BIG STORMS tonite!) (No letter from Mark yet) So, a nite at home yet again. A Life in WordsMum told me at 9:30 that Jo rang so I couldn’t ring her back.. […because one of our house rules was no phone calls after 8pm …a guideline I still follow now. In fact, these days I rarely make, and sometimes choose not to answer, phone calls at all after dusk!]  GREAT!!!

Thursday 3/12/87

Well, less than a month left of this horrible revolting worst-year-of-my-life year. [This is so interesting, because unbeknownst to me, the coming year (1988) was to prove quite difficult for me as well (nothing as traumatic as the bus accident though of course) and for many, many years to follow, I despised it more than 1987. In fact, pretty much up until I began this blog, I actually considered 1987 (coupled with ’86) the best year(s) of my life. Much of this I think related to my burgeoning social and love lives, as well as the freedom of responsibility of childhood/school-life entwined with the imminent privileges of adulthood. Thankfully this very blogging process has released me from that limiting belief: whilst I’m re-living my past in detail, I’m also an observer and this has perfectly unlocked whatever deep, powerful connection I had to these times in my life (for which I am still grateful nonetheless, for the lessons they have individually and collectively presented to me). It’s truly liberating.] Thank God! But what’ll I do now? For the rest of my life? It’s a worry. [See my line of thought? Responsibility = Worry. Much of the time these are directly proportional to one another…] I spent the (nearly the) whole day at home …sewing!! (I’m making things out of mum’s old clothes – chop, chop!) Wrote a bit more to Mark, and in the mail, got a note to pick up a parcel at Freshwater P.O. .. it was my (very battered and carelessly handled) [art] folio So, I didn’t get an interview, nor a note ..so Kelvin Grove .. UP YOURS!! A Life in WordsI’ll just have to do something totally different to Uni career [one rejection and “it’s all over”…] – other apprenticeships like hairdressing, nursing & journalist cadetship on a magazine, till Jo, Jude & I open our boutique. [The flights of fancy we kiddies have/had! I’m fairly sure nursing required formal study even back then, and as for the magazine cadetship… ha! I think that Hollywood & the media in general might have ‘duped’ me there. As for the boutique with my friends… well, I’d forgotten all about that and in fact, didn’t realise I was still considering a fashion career at this stage…] Anyway Fi came down & took me and I GOT MY LEARNERS (FINALLY!) and my hair show ticket. [Another hair show? There was one just last week…] Home again, but she took me late nite shopping. No cuties [read: no ‘talent’ to perve on] was fun with CB, Glyn, Anna, Colleen LAUGH! Saw John C – not so stunningly gorgeous as he used to be – but I still wouldn’t mind him falling for me (laugh in a million) [self deprecating humour] Went to KFC after (Jeff, Cam, Glyn, CB, Anna, Fi Col & me) [Jesus, again? You might as well have lived there…]

Friday 4/12/87

Today, I stayed home (yet again!) Wasn’t too occupied: I mean, in the morning I went to school briefly to pick up my report (senior certificate) I got VH for eng! WOW! Sounds for maths & chem and highs for biol & arts.. [To this day, it amazes me that English was my best subject, considering the very reason I moved to Cairns High in the first place was for the CAD Art ‘School of Excellence’ course. I remember feeling disappointed (and even embarrassed) with myself for not attaining the same (top) achievement level in my art subjects. But Liss, it’s not like you put a great deal of time & effort into your schoolwork in order to realise those preferred results, yes? There’s no room for your perfectionism now; too little, too late!] Ms Forbes said I’ll get in 800’s, could even possibly get 880!!! wow, cool! [Cool, but not cool enough for the institutions and courses that were my first preferences…] Rang Kelvin Grove while I was there – about my interview – they said “no offer”. (REJECTION! Great) So at home, I made a skirt out of one of mum’s old daggy skirts.. and I wore it out tonight .. with Fi’s white shirt .. got asked for I.D. showed my ‘melted’ false I.D. and was allowed! [That scenario these days? Not. A. Chance!] (But privacy omission], Colleen Anna & Fi got in no q’s) Anyway, overall was a pretty cool nite! Slow to start with.. but Geoffry M, Jim C and a few others provided drool materialA Life in Words . . got fairly drunk (won bottle of bubbly with Marney & Joyce & Colleen & [privacy omission]) Saw lotsa older people – Rodney B etc (all college, uni people: Tanya!) Left around 2:00 or so . .. I got home 2:30 to sleep. Jo rang tonite. She told me she talked to [privacy omission]: she’s screwed Steven & Mark . that’s all. But she said Mark saw a bit of [her] before he left. -ie. sunday nite. She said they just talked, I don’t know if so… but I’m angry cos he lied to me…. (WHAT’S NEW??)→ can only be expected of him – he’ll never change

Saturday 5/12/87

WORKED! Dad let me drive to the Red Beret and I did quite well! Nearly knocked over a bicyclist and missed the gates to the Red Beret and almost took out a tree. Apart from that, I was good! […well, at least I’m remaining positive…] Did barely any work at work: talked to Jenny mostly about Julia & mainly my career …she’s pushing me to be a nurse. [Dad on the other hand wanted me to join the Armed Forces: it would have been the ideal situation; discipline, commitment and (the big bonus for him) paid education.] But I still got $10 for the day…and a big healthy yummy lunch. Rush to get ready – were heaps of people. I felt ‘out of it’ to start with – wearing not black & white, but khaki & white. [So it was evidently a Black & White themed hair show…] Anyway, my view position was good, but bad at the same time – I was seated, behind Jim C but much some of my vision obscured. It was pretty good: altogether, as a show, unco-ordinated but some individual salon productions were excellent (All amateurish) after, tried to find the party- traipsed all over town looking. Playpen Hill & party & nest. I was so pissed off with [privacy omission]. Stewart was there outside Nest one stage & [she] was being slimy and she knew I was there (she thought I was in a bad mood with her, so I’m sure she did it on purpose. [No Liss, you can’t ever be sure…] Even if not, she knows the way I feel about him) Eventually (saw Phil C. Jim C. at show) Sue, Fi & I grabbed food from a 24hr→

Sunday 6/12/87

→shop & (I rang mum) we stayed at Fi’s. A Life in WordsI got a bit emotional (worried) about Mark, but we got to sleep around 3:00 I’d say. ..Woken around 9:00-9:30 by Banks’s cat (all over us) After brekky etc, went (picked up my gear) to Palm Cove; about 11:30. Got there & engine was overheating (radiator we filled last nite at Alison’s) It was empty again. Idsteins helped us out – we went to Bitter Creek [ummm, I have NO memory of knowledge of this place in the Cairns region, at all. Can anyone fill me in?] & they fixed pipe connection (radiator thermostat corroder) […er, whatever that is…] for us. At beach (after lunch (saw tanya!)) baked (and now I’m mostly brown – bit red) saw Jo & on our way home noticed overheating again. Back to Bitter Creek. they said a whole lot of things were going wrong.. water in oil feul filter melted (hole) but mainly water reservoir not full enough. We attempted getting back to Cairns – having to stop every 100m or so to let it cool down (useless) about Kewarra, a guy helped us ..said H2O reservoir needed to be EMPTY so radiator H2O vapour could go there.. [he] was right – perfect all the way to D’s newsagency. car overheatingLeft the car there – Sue went with her parents home. Fi & I drove round – got a pizza (for tea) & had a talk… got home 6:40 .. watched TV listened to Take 40 is now 11:30 & I’m buggared. *Mum has suspected broken (little) toe: cos I rang 2:00 in the morning to tell her where I was; she kicked it hard. MY FAULT. [This exact incident occurred years later as well. Mum had established a Trust system with me when my social life began to ‘intensify’ (read: basically when I began attending nightclubs) that allowed me a generous amount of freedom in exchange for honesty and ‘accountability’. In other words, she just wanted to know my plans, my whereabouts and if they changed to inform her as soon as possible “no matter what time of the night …or day”. So, whilst I felt terrible both times she ‘ran’ for the phone in the middle of the night kicking and breaking toes on the way, I consoled myself in the knowledge that I was doing as she asked, that I had done ‘the Right Thing’…]

Romeo Rejections, Dogs In Space & a Police Raid (23-29 November)

Monday 23/11/87

Woken at 8:00, I got to Mark’s and kept on writing the letter, even thru’ our trip (with Cameron) into town & KMart. [I explained what this letter was all about in the previous post but to recap I was trying to pen something (‘massive’ …like a novel) for him to read on his overseas family holiday.] Back at his place, I finished it – 11 pages (not bad considering the time I had)). At the airport, we waited, had a drink. Was kinda sad .. only 3 or 4 kisses (1 long-ish) before he left. Would’ve loved to go with them. [Was it even an option? I mean, apart from being unable to afford it, I don’t even remember being invited…] EUROPE! Imagine it?!!? Wow, I’m so tired. It’s after 12:30. I need sleep badly. Not really missing Mark – had fun without him tonite. [So you’re not as dependent as you thought you were?] A Life in WordsJo rang (well I rang her) at home & we went into town & walked around. I saw Stewart – I know he would’ve seen us- I avoided him …(god, I wish I hadn’t lost that friendship. I do like him more also, I know) Jo came to my place. Reddy [a deliberate misspelling] & went to hair show practise. At awards, Jeffry M actually talked to me, but was trying to con on to CB obviously. Found out thru mima – [privacy omission]‘s got a reputation at Saints and also a rumour that Mark got back with me before he went away so I’d remain faithful to him. Well, if I got a chance at the BIG TIME Stewart or PHILLIP) too bad, Marky!! [Beyond the obvious fickleness and superficiality, this comment bespeaks of indignation (if the rumour was true, how dare he?) and further, a desire for ‘justice’ – or retribution (if the rumour was true and if the opportunity arose, “….you’re history”…] After, went to Backpackers – but mainly SCANDALS. Chris H dropped me home.

Tuesday 24/11/87

Busy day! Rang Fi around 10:15 – (got up at 9:20, or so – long sleep I needed) She picked me up around 10:45, 11:00. We (Mima & Fi & I) went into town.. did nothing spectacular: put film in to be processed . . .  looked around Hilton shops. Went to Earlville for a little while, then (dropping off to get my togs) went to Crystal’s. Sunbaked (so hot!!) only a little while – the shade from trees came quickly. Leaving, NSW guys “dragged” us on Intake Road (oh! Fi let me drive to Crystals [good god, that was dangerous Fi!] -part the way -was good, but gear changes at beginning were – um – funny) […in other words, not great…] Saw David at Redlynch shop, Went to Esplanade Rang mum told her what I was doing (on answering machine). Went to indoor soccer. Cameron V.B’s nice (but Aaron K’s body – YUM!) Saw Cameron, then home by 7:30. Mum & Julia not -house unlocked, no note; I worried [about them] but they came saying Mr B died this morning (cancer) & they went to briefly see Mrs F .. stayed for tea (coffee). I Watched TV tonite. It’s 10:00- I need sleep for tomorrow night BIG nite out! (Hope Phillip’s there. Or Stuart or Cameron’ll (V.B.) do!) Gam On!! [Wow, I thought I’d long outgrown that word! “Gammon” was a term we inherited from Aboriginal & Islander kids at primary school and had a myriad of different meanings A Life in Words(as the Macquarie Dictionary – and Urban dictionary, see pic – confirms) but pretty much all connoting untruth or unreality… In this particular instance I’d’ve meant “As if!”] Mm! Sleep! Gonna get brown & skinny & blonde, I am!! everyone practically says “so are you missing Mark?” I hate to say yes, but feel like a bitch saying NO. [The agony of independance and pride versus compassion and potential judgement by others…]

A Life in Words
The advent of digital cameras (still a decade away at this point in time) erased the pain of ‘memories lost’ due to the sometimes problematic photography equipment on hand the 80’s.

Wednesday 25/11/87

SO HOT! Woke around 8:00…rang Jemima around 9:30 – said Fiona was spending the day with Jason & she wanted to stay home, so I prepared to spend a day at home alone, myself. I sunbaked briefly (& it went a bit red tonite, too!) Mum came home – I got dressed, we dropped Julia at school & I picked up photos- my 36 exp. [exposure] film was … totally BLANK. I was so mad with myself – all those great shots of Monday night, down the drain. [You youngsters will never know this pain; one of the best technological developments ever was the digital camera. It is however arguable whether that function added to mobile phones has been all positive…] SHIT. But the “last day of school” photos are excellent! […I must have put two separate cannisters of film in for processing?] I went to Sahara – tried on my bikinis and had 2nd thoughts- I look disgusting in 2 piece [We are our own worst critics, and I was. Yes okay, I still can be…] (I am so hot) Glyn, Chris & Cameron visited me at home: I was putting the photos in albums. Lazed afternoon away: phone calls to & from people Got ready; mima took me to Jude’s & her dad took us to town. We caught a taxi to the Hill & [privacy omission] only got asked for I.D. Inside there were quite a few but not too many people we knew. We weren’t really raging .. I had an explosion with Jude – didn’t do anything .. then I saw him (with Jemila talking) – (Jeff M & Phil N were there too) PHILLIP C! I went up & talked a little .. then we went & sat near his friends. I talked to Deanne & he went away→

Thursday 26/11/87

→ said ‘Bye’ and kind of held up his hand in a wave. Great! “He doesn’t like me” ..so I went and found Jude & Joannah & I complained. [It’s just wrong that you can’t have everything you want in Life, isn’t it?] But somehow, I found him again. (dancing!) and I stuck with him for the rest of the night! Talking (sitting) The best I got was a brief hold of his hand before a dance.. I tried but he wasn’t responding [oh this is painful!] (doesn’t he like me or doesn’t he know how to act?) [I’ve since learnt it’s pretty much always the former: it becomes pretty easy to discern whether or not someone is really “into you”…] Well outside (he was walking home to a friend’s place) he gave me one little kiss on the lips and said “just get in the car!” [And there it is…] So I did. A Life in WordsThis morning I woke at 10:30.. did nothing till I rang Jo. She came round & picked me up. At her place (I met Sara) we watched “DOGS IN SPACE” (a really poor recording) then went to her dad’s office – to make lots of phonecalls about Kelvin Grove interviews (& her folio) we waited till about 5:30 before Sara came then to Earlville : [privacy omission]! Then out to pick up Mrs C. [privacy omission] had the biggest row in the car .. at Smithfield, Saw Stewart. I didn’t speak .. we were late back to the car ..another fight! At Jo’s place- another fight! [Privacy omission] made dinner, but dropped the dish as she was carrying it out to the table – really upset her. Played cards after a (make-shift) dinner: then fell asleep on the

Friday 27/11/87

→horrible, hard loungeroom floor. Woke so much during the night. Jemima rang & invited Jo (she didn’t know I was there) to her place for a swim (with Cameron, Chris, Glyn, Brent & Fi) then lots of phone calls – one from Stewart. I only talked for 2 mins. I think.. “if I see you out, I see you out”. “Definitely” he said. So I wasted much of the morning playing patience [aka the card game Solitaire. My mum had always called it Patience…] while Jo was in the phone. then Fi came & picked me up after 11:00-11:30 sometime. Watched end of GOLDEN CHILD then Chris, Cam, Glyn, Fi, Mim & I went to Crystals. was really nice – I got burnt – but not so bad it’ll peel… Chris had to leave early for a driving lesson: Cam, mima & I waited for Fi & Glyn’s return (the bitches went to KFC) [!! LOL] at Mima’s Glyn had to leave – but we sat in the pool “playing games”. Then they dropped me home first. I rang Sharon, then Jo. Fi rang said she’d find us in town. Sharon got to my place (I was freaking out about what to wear.) [That used to happen regularly] In town – boring – we went to watch the HILTON OPENING FIREWORKS. Lotsa tonnesa people there!A Life in Words Met Cam & Chris .. we all went to KFC for tea. Then picked up Glyn (dropping off Cameron) At HOTH, [security] were really strict [about identification] (let us sign the book) […this basically being a registry of club patrons’ (who failed to produce satisfactory identification) personal details – Statutory Declarations – which the venue could use to absolve itself of responsibility in the event of a subsequent legal matter.] got a stamp. Rumours that→

Saturday 28/11/87

←there was gonna be a raid . . . boring to start with (I saw that Darren S guy) [a drunken pash candidate from a few weeks back] Finally “upstairs” opened: still no people. Around 12:00, Sharon & I sat with these older guys she knew, and there came the Police. [Two or three uniformed, if I recall correctly] I was a little nervous, but it was fine. Sharon nicked off after that & I got pissed off [with her]. Stewart was there. I stood with him and Smithfield mob – Shane L, Matthew, Axel & his friend Phil, when the Pigs came back in – Sharon virtually “ran” away. I stayed put & they didn’t give me a second glance. Eventually I talked to Stewart (after dancing with Shane) and he couldn’t give a reply. . told him all I felt (in brief – I wasn’t even the slightest bit drunk) [oh dear, really?] and he said he could still fall in love with me, […Liss, if it hasn’t happened by now…] but basically (I made him tell me before he left) [hey, everyone needs closure right?] he chose not to. Just be good friends, really good friends. [Oh E, it’s been obvious for SO long…] So Sharon (got with Steve from the Intern. Hostel.(!!)) & I got a lift home. I woke around 10:00 to a phone call from her. my throat so sore. Jo rang & I had a penecillan. A Life in Words[Yeah, no worries …just randomly pop an antibiotic pill whenever you feel like it. I don’t remember Mum having such a diverse collection of pharma at home.] Bludged the rest of the day: Mike came over in the afternoon – left & came back for dinner. Mima & everyone picked me up just after 8:00. Went (picked up Peter & Colleen) to Esplanade (saw Sharon very briefly & were bible-bashed!!) Party was MASSIVE .. so many people! We went & got VODKA Colleen & I  & I had orange .. Having an excellent time (I’d rung Phillip twice before – he was at the party) & I found out Phillip likes Kate H [I’d gotten the surname wrong…]

Sunday 29/11/87

→the guy (whose place he stayed at Wed. nite) sister. (Gr 10, or so). We talked, anyway (shortly) The party ended at 10:50. cause someone vomitted upstairs. So angry! It was such an excellent party.. so we went in search of irene St one ..Jason P told me Mark R likes me. Ha! [Ironic because I’d had a crush on him a few years back…] I was pretty drunk. Funny- I said “he doesn’t remember me” ..he said “well he dragged me round trying to point you out….” la-de-da! So that party was rather dead, too.. then I fell asleep in Fi’s car on the way home (stopped at 24Hr Serv. Stn). Woke late, round 10:00 this morning & bludged the day, till just after 2:00 (after phone calls to Jo…) I waxed my armpits, then mum drove me to Palm Cove.. Jo shut the shop for 5 mins – we got an ice-cream & went to see the surf-carnival, [knowing there’d be some hot bods there… and some of particular interest…] but discovered on the way it was over (heard the loudspeaker presentations) at shop again – waited outside ..saw Fi, mima, Sue, brent & talked ages to Crabbie. Phillip apparently went past in the McM’s car. At home, rushed ate tea & mima & fi & I went to Drive In. A Life in WordsPolice Academy IV made me sick.. the idea’s wearing very thin. The LOST BOYS was excellent (unbeknown to us, beforehand, it was a horror movie about vampires) […well I wouldn’t really class it as a horror film now…] Scared us shitless! But was excellent (my door slammed shut for no reason & we packed it!) [“Packing it” refers to fright. It seems to be a lesser known slang phrase we used since I can’t find the exact context for it, even in the Urban Dictionary. I guess it may correlate to pooping (packing) your pants with fear..?] I stayed mima’s (Fi, her & me talked about old times for ages, then Fi took Brent home.)

Catching A Ride, Cleaning the Slate & A Kiss Fest (12-18 October)

Monday 12/10/87

A Life in Words
So ‘teen American’…the cool guy driving a hot chick to school in his sweet ride…

Stuart drove us to school today: Jo & I (!!) [I remember reveling in this experience because it felt so uber-cool …you know, American culture wherein the hotshot guy gives his chick a ride to school?] And we arrived, just as people began to assemble for parade. [Oh, what a shame; that means no one would’ve seen you? Bugger.] Double chem went well – doing experiments. Jeez, the weekend seemed so long! Like holidays! So busy & so much fun! Saw Mark outside his maths class, but walked on past .. bopped him with my art [as in, with my my artwork rolled up into a ‘tube’ then used (lightly) as a baton] at end of little lunch & said Hi. Double art was fun & I was generally so happy today- couldn’t get a smile off my face! Big lunch I spent finishing QTAC forms etc [I’d spent the day prior drafting an application for ‘Special Consideration’ to submit to the authorities (QTAC) responsible for calculating my TE (tertiary entrance) score, pertaining to the accident and its potentially detrimental effects – both direct & indirect – upon my studies. I included a copy of the finished draft so if you’d like to check it out head back to last week’s post for a squizz] (had to escort police to library, wow!) [What for? Why ‘wow’? …it’d be nice to know…] then, talked to Mark, but he talked to Mr Stopford, so I went to artroom to get my tape when I came back talked to Fi, & he walked past & (get this!) PINCHED MY BUM! It was so unexpected. I felt so happy & excited & shocked! [Really? I mean, is it really that big a deal?] WOW! Talked after school, too (not much in biol.) Jo told Nigel about me ([smoking] dope) I told Nigel not to say a word to anyone. [Not the right kind of ‘cool’, in your books Liss?] Sharon rang tonite: she’s bitching at David (good on her) [Again, why? What happened? I can’t remember the story!] & she said something about Fi & Jason (did they…?)→ Saturday night. [I had to consider whether or not to omit this for privacy reasons but decided that, since it was merely speculation (read: unsubstantiated, therefore just gossip) it was safe to include] Mark said he likes SIGN YOUR NAME [YouTube link below] & that revolting untitled song best. Good choice [‘Sign Your Name’ I meant, as I’d drawn an arrow back to it in my diary] Getting v. hot again now. Am feeling so good! My life’s pretty great at the moment!!

Tuesday 13/10/87

Didn’t talk to him till biology. Laughed a lot. Big lunch, I thought we’d talk, (I was laughing so much because he was staring at me-he found it hard to keep his face straight now & then) but I went to Kentucky Fried with mima, Fi, Lisa Vikki & Sharon (W). [Back in the days before deep frying became a truly cardinal sin, KFC was known by its full title: Kentucky Fried Chicken. The company admitted that its formal name change to the acronym KFC (in the early 1990’s) was a specific PR/marketing move in response to the negative connotations of the word ‘Fried’.] Back at school, he talked in the room with Cameron & Nicole A Life in Words(I felt resentment.. building up inside, but Jo & I joked about it after we “screamed” for fun (for me to release my “anger”) [or stress…] After school, I asked about when we were going to finish our talk. He said “we don’t need to” I was kind of puzzled & he just smiled; so I went. Does that mean we’re together again? [Highly unlikely…] I still want to talk & I’m going to tell him so. I don’t want, in a way, to be “going out” again. . I don’t know. I’ll get jealous & possessive again. [This is quite telling, with the benefit of hindsight] NO! ELISSA, YOU ARE FINE – DON’T THINK ABOUT HIM – PUT YOURSELF FIRST. [Ah that’s the spirit! Great self-pep talk, Liss] It’s 9:42 & one of my all-time fav’s on the radio: You oughta be in love by Dave Dobbyn. [YouTube inclusion below, again, in case you wanna listen. What a musical week it is this week!] I wanna do some HW before I go to sleep. [Well that’s gotta be a first?] Can’t wait for the weekend – what’ll I do? LOTS! Keep busy & stoned on Saturday night, with [privacy omission]. YAY! [This is quite a surprise; I thought I’d said when I first tried it (the week before) that it “didn’t affect me”. So why would I bother doing it again? Especially since I also didn’t want people to know?]

Wednesday 14/10/87

I don’t believe how much I’ve changed in the past month (since breaking up with Mark) I am so much more bold.. more confidence (god knows why) (or how!) [Alcohol, first & foremost. And probably the fact that you’ve discovered other guys seem to be attracted to you, so you may not NEED Mark as much as you previously thought? Only the day before you were unconvinced of the idea of being in a relationship with him again …basically because you didn’t like the person you were when you were with him, so…?] Got on well in bio … big lunch was a let down. I still don’t know for sure if we’re going out – I think it’s a yes. [Really?] He had a mood swing while I was talking to him (happy, talkative) then while I talked with Jo about Stuart, after he became quiet & “distant”. I whispered at the end of lunchtime “I love you” and he smiled. So I thought O.K. but after school he was quiet again + didn’t say goodbye. It hurt, but I got over it quick enough..much more so than I would’ve before. […so you think…] In town after school I was so energetic Saw Stuart – talked (exclusively) to me, at one stage. Jo told me today he tried to make Glyn jealous by saying alot about what he’s done with me (+Jo kind of) Apparently – it’s working(?!) [Oh the games people play…] Not that she really cares. So I’ll have to do something with Mark this weekend. [So? This infers that since Stuart is ‘unavailable’, you need to fill the space with another option… the guy you think you are – or want to be – dating is the second-best option? Tell me again why you are ‘there’?] What? Must talk. [Talk, talk, talk, talk…] Hot! Hot Day: Throat is still persistently sore or aching when I swallow. Couldn’t go to indoor soccer – mum wouldn’t take me in there. A Life in WordsSaw PN this arvy, really shortly tho’ tried to find him but couldn’t – going late nite 2morrow nite hopefully He’ll be there!!! [Girl, you have crushes and infatuations (‘distractions’) going on everywhere at the moment.]

Thursday 15/10/87

So pissed off (no, I hate saying that) angry today. [Hmm, interesting: can’t say I like the word angry these days. I’d rather say pissed off. Oh how we can change…] Started off O.K …not great, but at least he smiled once.. then I didn’t speak till big lunch, & he wasn’t talking to me (That’s what gets me: he says he’s not in a talkative mood, yet he’ll yabber away with anyone but me) said wasn’t angry at me, but fuckin’ tell he was. I was so damned hurt but I recovered faster. Fiona & mum both think it’s still the same, [objective views are usually more on point than subjective…] but it’s not: [sounds like denial?] I’m not depressed as long now, and besides, we’ve made a bad start […er, bad start to what exactly? Relationship Part Two that you are currently guessing you’re in?] -we still need to talk a lot (regardless what he thinks) [LOL, that’s right Liss, you wear the pants! Pffft.] Rang him, but was too busy (PE exam 2morrow) to go to movies or late nite A Life in Words(Went with Sharon & Colleen and had a cool time! Phillip wasn’t there tho’ – either one!!) No one was, in fact (oh – David VM, Wade etc) He’s going out tomorrow night – Sharon & I are too. S’posed to go to the movies with him (well, I proposed it, but he’s deciding) – deliberately delaying – hanging me in the air. [You mean, leaving you hanging…] fucked day. My stars were right – couldn’t impress anyone [Ah, good old newspaper horoscopes…]

Friday 16/10/87

I barely saw him. He appeared to be avoiding me before school. I wasn’t feeling too happy, but wasn’t overly depressed. Did lots of work in art Got out of doing english oral – Nigel had been away & had a medical certificate. After school was the first time I tried to talk to him. He barely spoke (didn’t want to go to the movies) when I asked him why he wasn’t talking to me, said “I’ve got nothing to say.” (Laugh) A Life in WordsI got upset, went off [as in, walked away, not ‘threw a hissy fit’]. Mima came – I calmed down & back there Chris, Cameron & Glyn joked with me (cheer me up). I walked down to Sharon (he left totally oblivious to me) tears.. Mum took me home & I did little until Sharon’s mum took us to town, around 8:15. Met Glyn B. & this girl & Justin – Glyn & Janine S went to Playpen – Sharon, Justin & I drank tequila at the Port Authority building [I’m fairly sure we’d bought a bottle to share between us, but can’t remember whether we had a mixer of some sort or were drinking it ‘neat’. Urgh.] (met the nice night watchman, Bob) [Oh how entertaining that must have been for Bob, interacting with three drunk teenagers. I can almost imagine it, now that I’m probably Bob’s age!] Sharon drank most..when we caught taxi to croc. rock, she was sick. bored at C.R. for 1 hr. got a lift to Playpen- met Stuart P: looking for Glyn.. told she was at croc rock so we drove back – many more people ..better! Sharon was ‘off’ most of the time. I ended up hanging around Giles, Praybon, Alan (met at Smithfield formal) I ended up “with” Alan. [Sorry folks, just kissing. I was still quite ‘innocent’ at this stage…] (Stupid) [regret much?] went outside for a while, then tried to find Sharon – to get a lift home with them. Couldn’t so I thought definitely I wasn’t going to miss out on→

Saturday 17/10/87

a free ride. Mikey O’S drove really fast & around Brinsmead Glen, we caught up to …Stuart! + Sharon! At my place, I got out kissed Alan goodbye and went over to Stuart talking (I was drunk) and ended up kissing him. [Oh you hussy!] God, he’s so nice. Bombed at 3:30. Woken at 7:00, walked Sharon to bus stop. Bludged the whole day: no! Rang Mark & went to his place at 11:00. The best talk we’ve ever had – sorting out. I got upset (well, let him know my feelings) about loyalty [fidelity]. His idea of cheating on someone is is sexual (intercourse) – not kissing That is totally different to mine and most other people’s concepts. TOTALLY. [So, with differing ideas or expectations, the potential for more… ‘discomfort’ in the relationship is greater…] A Life in WordsWe decided on wiping the slate clean “meeting” each other for the first time. ie: pretending we’d only met today & disregard the last 10 months of our knowing each other. [Oh, ’cause that’ll work. Pffft. I couldn’t think of anything worse than going back to Square One. How would you learn from your mistakes if slates were wiped clean?] So he drove me home & we were fine. Around 8:30 tonight we got to Jason’s (Fi & I) then to Sharon’s. The Palm Cove party was dead. Pouring in town, when Fi dropped Sharon & I at the Playpen. Mark & Keith were there. Great. I didn’t know what really to do.. I moved around a lot … bored at first – no money for drinks & not many people I knew. Eventually I ended up hanging round Nicole, Keith & Mark. (Scabbed drinks) [Oh now there’s something to be proud of. Not.] (Jo was cool in the [fashion] parade)-(Stuart still likes her) I thought something→

Sunday 18/10/87

would happen. Mark was paying a fair bit of attention to me. The rest to Nicole (I wasn’t jealous – only maybe now & then, a tinge) She was going to stay at Keith’s ..I presumed she’d get with Mark. We ended up sitting near dance floor – Mark & I biting each others noses (ouch!) A Life in WordsBut sometimes gentle – Biting necks, ears. a few kisses – yeah he turns me on..Stuart and (esp.) Alan don’t.. I get feelings all through me when I kiss Mark. So we’ve only known each other one day & we got together (!!) [*rolls eyes*] I don’t think it will be long till we get back together. In the meantime, I’ll try not to get too possessive. Anyway Sharon wanted to go ..so we got a cab . . I bombed (big hickie on my neck again. Wonder if he gave Nicole one? Wonder if they even got together) Woke around 9:00.. Waited 1½hrs till I had to wake Sharon to ring mum. At home, around 11:30 (went to see Sandra next door..talk about the (her) party) [?? I have no idea what this was about] Wasted the day. Mark rang he ’cause he was given a message that I rang him, but I didn’t: I think maybe Nicole. (no, won’t pin names to anyone) […because you recognised that you were only guessing and the likelihood of your being wrong was great, IF you ever found out at all…] Keith rang & tried his (usual) hardest to get me jealous or curious about Mark & Nicole – he could’ve been lying anyway but I doubt it. Of course it hurts to think he would’ve gotten with her, but it’s none of my business and besides, my weekend wasn’t bad: 3 guys!! that’s a first! [Definitely.] And there’s always Stuart – I’m sure Mark’s jealous of him. I could be bitchy to Nicole, but I realised that’d prove to Mark & Keith that it hurts etc. [In other words, jealousy would be my undoing; displaying weakness.] Mum got drunk at the Fishers today & was very upset depressed about Geoff [he ex-partner].. she slept all arvy into nite. [My mum wasn’t a big drinker at all. She and Geoff would’ve been separated for well over eight months by this stage, so my guess is her depression was merely a result of the alcohol, inflating any existing feelings of loneliness, because to my knowledge she never attempted to resurrect their relationship…]