I still had my cold. It was really hot once we got to school. Altogether we took heaps of stuff. Mark sat next to me on the bus.. mucked round. After discussion on arrival, we put up our tent. I was so hot. It was overcast. [Perfect conditions to increase humidity] We went for a swim and just mucked round. I was cold, then not etc.. [ooh, feverish?] tonight we had bush dancing. Boring! [Hmm, that’s not what you wrote in the scrapbook…] Mark was rather unenthusiastic Kept looking for me (??) I kept looking at him Later; after lights out, Mark [privacy omission] came to our tent. Mark didn’t seem ‘interested’. But it was good getting with [just kissing, people!] him. [privacy omission] Mark spent his time worrying about being caught too. I daresay that night was bad for the teachers – kids swapping tents etc. Probably got to sleep around 3:00.
[My scrapbook begins to include more text, more detail: I tried to record everything I could recall. But – not surprisingly – there’s minimal personal disclosure, since, unlike my diaries, I was expecting people to read this. It was as much for public (friends etc) as it was for personal posterity…and ‘processing’ of course.]
Erica brought the eski over early – we packed it & luckily, were able to put it on the lorry that the school had hired from the Fishers [our neighbours] to take equipment up, along with our tent. Excitement mounted as people arrived & assembled at Croswell Hall. It was very hot. Our group had a massive pile of gear! (then again, so did some others (not to mention any names, Steven, Mark & Brent) We loaded the remainder of our gear & scrambled onto the bus to get the best seats. Waiting ages in the still heat till we finally got under way. Music, muck-around fights & food all the way there. Once off the bus, people frantically begin to grab gear & best tent spots, but, called for an assembly first, many people had to give up their chosen sites. [From memory, there were separate tent site zones for the girls and boys. Not really surprising.] After putting up the tent, (a very long, tiring task – we were one of the last groups to finish) [I’m fairly sure we had one of the largest tents there, however…] there was freetime. We all went for a (very short) swim, then stood watching some of the guys playing cricket. After our dinner, the air horn was blown- signalling assembly under the covered area. Bushdancing was the activity & almost everyone enjoyed it! [Aha, almost everyone…] For some, this was the longest night (ie. the latest) [….oh? I wonder who…?]
Boy, has it been one hectic day. Dad came round, about 8:15 I think [with the tent]. Fi was the only one who came. [Um, not according to your scrapbook…] We put it up quite easily. I was sweating – Dad said that’s a fast cure for a cold [actually, no: that’s an old wives’ tale] – I’m feeling better now; not coughing anymore; just mainly dripping nose. A few sneezes & of course, mucus-but not quite as bad.. Tonight I [will] sleep without the fan . . . sweat it out for the last time. Gosh it’s hot, but I must ‘hack’ it! So many people called and came over today. Dad, Fi, Monique, Jemima, Sharon Erica & Brent. Finally everything is organised (I popped [cold & flu] pills almost all day) Oh. yes – I’m boiling. wanted to ring Mark but – too late. No real need, really. I must be better for tomorrow. Fuck – this ‘tickle’ in my throat is making me cough – but I can’t stop it – the tickling. [Why don’t you just drop some cough medicine? You’ve been downing a truckload of other pharmaceuticals…] Better get some sleep. 9:20
[And the scrapbook record:]
Personal preparations for the camp today, mostly. Monique & I (& Fiona who came down quite early) were taught how to put up our monstrous 5 man tent (with fly-screened annexe) by my father [I’m not sure how clear it is, but you may be able to discern a sketch I did of it, underneath the word ‘Saturday’] . . was hot, but rewarding ‘work’. Also began packing food into cardboard boxes. Monique (too tired to ride home) [no doubt, heat fatigue] got a lift around lunchtime. The afternoon was spent packing my bags & on the phone to either Fiona, Monique, Jemima or Erica and even Sharon & Brent. I popped pills all day to try & rid myself of my cold. [except that pill popping fixes nothing; simply masks the symptoms…]
My handiwork during the packing of food . . labelling each and every item in case of theft!!!
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. IT IS HOT. I can’t stand this heat much longer. I am going to have an air-conditioned house, for SURE when I’m older. [Hmmm, nope. Not yet. And I’m fairly sure I’ve changed my mind about that.] Today was good indeed, Apart from the frigging heat. Mum dropped me at Monique’s early. It took us about 15-20mins to get to school & even then we were boiling. [I’m assuming we rode our bikes from her place. Why you would do that in the very heat you are complaining about is beyond me?] Mark came late. Talked a fair bit. Esp. big lunch – his dad drove in to give him my letter. Can you believe it? And he showed Duane and Brent. Wonderful. SHAME!! [Well… you did show his to your friend/s… fair’s fair.] It’s almost 9:30. After school, whipped in to get army shorts & home (took ages!). Tent wasn’t here ..Dad said he’s bringing it tomorrow – wouldn’t let mum take it BASTARD. [I can’t figure why he’s a ‘bastard’ for this. Unless it was because I’d made my mind up that it had to be there TODAY and he simply messed up my ‘plan’?] So about 6:15 we went to town. talked to mima. Did shopping at Coles ($63-shit!) [That’s under $13 worth for each of us. Ah, if only food was still that cheap…] Didn’t see Mark’s lot – Glynn said they were at Woolies [privacy omission]. Umah. Cameron even talked to me today in chem. [Privacy omission] Oh dear. Such nasty boys.. Mark paid a lot more attention to me after getting that letter. Wunda why?
And the scrapbook entry for this day:
MONIQUE & I, the fitness freaks (HA, HA) rode to school (from her place) This lunch hour we finalised “preparations”: Jemima writing for each of us a list of requirements (although we were given a typed sheet by teachers during one of the numerous camp meetings. [I’d glued both of these important pieces of information into the scrapbook, as you can see] All getting so excited. Although Jemima had to work, we decided to do shopping for the camp tonight.
Before Monique & I rode (the long trek) home we cycled into town so I could purchase my pair of 2nd hand army shorts. Monique barely made the journey home .. it was rather hot! [She never dealt well with heat.]
Shopping at Coles New World, in town was a scream.. our total came to about $63 and that was minus a few necessary items!! [Coles tacked on ‘New World’ as a sales slogan in the 1980’s… and my, how prophetic this was: the ‘diversification’ tactics these large supermarket companies (now conglomerates) employed has created a ‘new world’ ….of corporate greed!]
Monique & I pretty-well ‘carked’ it at home: we were rather exhausted!!
Well, we talked again today. T’was O.K. He found his letter in my bag (plastic bag – I’d better use my port tomorrow; feel silly cos’ everyone else is. [Yeah, and um, didn’t you just buy a new one? Can’t think why I would be taking just a plastic bag to school] Think I have worms) [Ok! If that isn’t the most random thing to say? And maybe too much information? Just, maybe?] and told him it was only for Jemima’s eyes. See, he rang me.. (yesterday he came over; in Jason P’s car with him & Cameron just stopped for a minute or two, in the gutter) and we talked a fair bit. [Privacy omission] The main thing was I talked about people. Asking him all the girls- he told me who he hated etc. Up to [privacy omission] he was secretive. I asked but he said “we had a few words before you arrived at the party” – (Angie J’s) I asked the “outcome” – “good and bad.” I rang fi straight after. She made me feel a bit better. [She was a great listener, and her objectivity almost always helped me through my issues & insecurities. Until the next time…] I spent the rest of the night cutting up pictures (magazines) in my room. It’s now about 8:45 & I haven’t had a shower yet. STINKING HOT.
[And the story per my scrapbook:]
Erica is in my biology class as well. FANTASTIC. This will be an ACE year. . .an ACE camp to start it. Began preparations for camp. Our group (of course) is Jemima, Fiona, Monique, Erica & myself. Would never have guessed, right?!!
[We created an acronym from the first initials of our names, which we used to ‘label’ everything: J.E.F.E.M. J-emima, E-rica, F-iona, E-lissa, M-onique. The picture below actually comes from Saturday’s page in the scrapbook.]
SCHOOL! Just watched a blooper show while writing back to Mark said a lot of (soppy) stuff. Today was GREAT!! I loved it! It’s 10:35. Poor Jules was crying this morning, [first day at a new school… stressful for most people…] but she was fine later on. Bus was quite full. All classes are basically the same – timetable has changed a fair bit. In art, we are in the textiles room-it’s “ours” [meaning us CAD art kids] um, in english Erica’s with me [I knew her from primary school, as did Jemima & Fiona. She was just starting at Cairns High, moving over from Smithfield where Fiona & I spent our first 3 years. I wouldn’t have mentioned her too much in the past because she associated with a different crowd there. Being a newcomer, but also a Freshie kid, we took her into our fold immediately] (& Jemila’s at CH in eng. too. (ung!!)) [the girlfriend of the guy I snogged New Year’s Eve… uncomfortable much?] – our class is so big now. Didn’t have bio -but it’ll be the same – possibly bigger – Erica also (possibly) in it! MaI [that’s an abbreviation for ‘Maths 1’] – Mark’s class – for computers! [Oh so we did have them back then …so I’m not a real dinosaur?] mim, moni & Justine are in the other class. In chem..we’re one big class now-but not quite too big. Talked to Mark a fair bit too. Showed him my dad’s watch (to me) Yukky! [A poor way of saying I showed him a watch my dad must’ve given me, that I clearly wasn’t fussed on.] Went to see Nana – walked to hospital from school. Was so hot today Hate the yr 12 area – too hot & crowded [As I have previously mentioned, there were traditional ‘territories’ students occupied, relative to their year level. To be honest, I have no idea where the juniors tended to congregate but in Year 12 we were obliged to move to the much less spacious, weather-exposed (opposite) side of the same building we had previously ‘owned’ in Year 11. The only ‘prestige’ I can attribute to it is that is was street-side… great for the exhibitionist licence-holders…] Oh well. Can’t wait for camp. Can’t wait God it’s hot. Hope I don’t get periods for the camp- will be just my luck.
And on the opening page of my scrapbook (created after the ‘event’ so therefore may sometimes sound ‘reflective’)…
FANTASTIC START to (what I thought would be) the best year of my life (so far) anyhow. Discovered few changes in timetable: my classes: Erica in my english class & in computer maths also …with Fiona, Steven, Mark, Brent, Cameron.
Walked up to the (Calvery) Hospital [Cairns’ only private hospital.. which is now actually named ‘Cairns Private Hospital’] to visit my grandmother after school.
JASON, [no idea why I wrote his name in ‘caps’] Mark & cameron visit me in Jas’s Hoony car, after school.
It was hell trying to get to sleep last night. To bed at 10:00; I could not sleep… lay moving frequently, ended up listening to the radio. About 2:00 I would’ve gotten to sleep I don’t know why I was so restless. Anyway, I woke rather early (??) It was hot. After mum left, Jules & I sunbaked till 9:50. (My stomach’s looking nice ‘n’ brown!) [Ah that stomach. It’s been the (physical) bane of my life.] Time went quickly. Around 11:30 Mark rang (he’d just woken up.) Talked for over an hour …going to [see the movie] Aliens on Wednesday night! (Julia wants to come too) I think I might’ve hung up on a bad note, hope not. Went to Kmart & Earlville with mum & Jules after – got more new socks & new singlets! That’s it, though. I want one of those tops, sleeveless with a high (turtle) neck. For Wed night. Fi rang (well I rang her) Justine F’s going to Brissy & wants us to go to Pancake House Wednesday night. Can’t wait! I can go, then go to [the Cinema] Capri from there. Then Croc Rock with Mark after the movies. oooh! I can’t wait! my stomach seems to be going flatter & browner! Must tone it up. Ooh, everything’s going good! Had an 1½-2 hr phone call from Beka→ all about Mark nearly. Is 10:35. wonder if I’ll get to sleep alright tonight?
Tuesday 13/1/87
Here I was, trying to sleep in (rather effortlessly for once! Yahoo!) & mum comes in . . “it’s Sharon. She wants to know if you’d like to go to the movies.” It was 7:30. [The point being, no movies began screening before 9:30am, so why did she have to disrupt my slumber?] I did though. Labyrinth is EXCELLENT. I love fantasy. That Is pure fantasy – beautiful romance. I loved it! God it’s hot. Walked round for awhile after. Caught 3:15 bus home- Mima, fi & polly also did! At home, read the letter Mark sent me. [I’m assuming a new one had arrived] It really is cute. Some gorgeous things – calling me “Princess” [back then, being a ‘Princess’ had no negative connotations…] and saying about my “cute giggle” and wants to think of me (wants me to send him a tape with me talking & laughing!) HaHa! Cute! So I wrote one back immediately. Rode to shops & posted it immediately. Have tried to ring him but is engaged. (for finalities on plans for tomorrow night.) [Desperado!] Oh dear. […you said it!] Am really looking forward to it! Is 8:55. Should I try again? [Really? I’m surprised mum let you. It was a kind of unspoken rule in our household that it was rude (inconsiderate) to call people after 8pm.] Why not? [Because it’s ‘too late’?] Nope – still engaged. Maybe their phone’s on the blink? [“on the blink” is Aussie slang for “not working”] Hot night.
Wednesday 14/1/87
my top wasn’t that fitted, nor that short…
I can’t quite remember what I did today .. I think I woke and went to Smithfield Shopping Centre with mum to do the grocery shopping. I got a white sleeveless midriff high necked (turtlenecked) T shirt. At home I (can’t remember really what I did.). sunbaked for a while. About 5:00 or so I began to get ready. I wore my navy & white striped singlet dress as a skirt on (just above) my hipswith Jules’ white belt, my new shirt & black shoes. [I can clearly picture this outfit. We were pretty creative with our outfits back then, thanks to the likes of Madonna, Boy George, Cyndi Lauper et al, who spawned the messy, layered fashion trend.] My hair was loaded with hairspray [aka Madonna/Cyndi L]. Picked up fi. Stayed short time at Pancake House – Justine, Leanne, Linda, Fiona, Mima & Brent were there when we (Jules Amanda & I) left. At Capri I saw him & Keith as soon as I walked in, but walked straight over to the ticket box. I sat. They “fretted” about tickets – the price. Eventually walked in when the attendant wasn’t there! Anyway nothing happened. [As in, no “making out”. As if it would, with his mate sitting right there with us.] I watched the movie – almost all of it & best I did was hold on to Mark’s jacket sleeve (wrap my arm around his kind of.) Aliens wasn’t really scary at all. After, we found Fi downstairs. She’d waited 1½hrs for us. [Poor pet] Went with [privacy omission]‘s dad [another parent complicit in our underage clubbing?] to Croc. Rock→ [story continued over the page…]
Thursday 15/1/87
for the first time ever (at C.R.) I wasn’t asked for ID at all & for the 1st time ever Keith & Mark were! 3 of us walked up. Fi got in later only about 10-15mins later. Was rather dull that night. We did dance “My Favourite Waste of Time” came on. Mark wasn’t into dancing that night. It was rather dull… I got depressed & that’s caused my day-long depression today. I think now that I made a mountain out of a molehill. Just some things about “marriage” [?!] & Mark doesn’t like my moodiness. [I think it’s fair enough to feel a bit crappy if you feel you’re being criticised.] I was quite depressed and the night did not end on a high note. In fact, I worried & was very moody all day today. I wonder why he never calls me and other things like that. Does he really care? How much does he care? There was a girl he talked to a lot whom I thought was [privacy omission] The girl he used to “love”. I worry too much. [Ya think? At least you’re aware of it…] I watched TV mostly read children’s literature to stop thinking. [Possibly why I love movies and books to this day: healthier forms of escapism than, say, drugs…] Beka rang then came over And I rang Fi tonight. She makes so much sense. I wish I had her attitudes to life. [I clearly didn’t have a clue back then that you could train your ‘attitudes’…] SO HOT 2DAY Is 10:05 GOT ABOUT 5HRS SLEEP THIS MORNING ∼5 till 10
Friday 16/1/87
Today I immersed myself in fiction again, but watching a bit more TV as well (who says that’s not fiction?) of course it is. [Oooh, some premature wisdom there!] My appetite was small I was surprised. [Stress can kill appetite] It was very hot. I was very tired. We went to see Nana in the afternoon. I ate 2 icecreams on the way home. [Emotional eating. Food as a crutch.] I feel and look slimmer, concerning my stomach. All I need is to exercise. My diet’s OK. (I mean concerning Kj intake – not nutrients) [At least I was aware of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ food and the notion of ’empty calories’] I need to burn my energy a bit faster. I think a little about Mark. I am not so worried anymore (superficially that is – I worry, deep inside, all the time. [Fantastic! Chronic Stress. The thing that underlies the majority of illnesses and even death.] More so, now) If I rang, what would I say? We must get in contact again before school or things could change (for worse.. ) I should send him the tape of me. Maybe letters are the best. I’m chicken (at the moment) to ring him & he will not willingly ring me. [Good god, I wish I could shake my young self! How useful the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” could have been back then…] I wish I could be sure he felt a lot for me. I hope he does. [10:00]
Saturday 17/7/87
Today I ate and watched TV. Nothing unsusal or exciting. Late this afternoon & right on through till now I have been going through the section on classical mythology in the Pear’s cyclopaedia getting all the ‘gods’.Haven’t finished yet. But today was hot & boring. Julia tried to get me on tape, but I resisted & she got shitty with me. [Sweet little sister; trying to propagate my potential relationship by fulfilling my ‘suitor’s’ wish… and promptly cracking the shits when I fail to comply…] God it’s hot!! Didn’t, obviously go to work today. Gonna listen to the radio again for as long as I wish – I can sleep in – – we hang towels over our louvres so our rooms are dark in the mornings – works well – I woke about 9:15 this morning! Did you know I’m in Greek myth? (Actually, yes: I have related this little tale (although with different details) in a previous post: click here if you’d like to re-visit it.] Elissa (Dido) daughter of a King [of “Tyre”] 2 stories – but in both I commit suicide. Nice, huh? Maybe I should do just that. [Wow, heavy.] I keep wondering about Mark. Want to, but don’t want to ring him. He is so gorgeous. I love him, do I? [???]10:00
Sunday 18/1/87
I finished “gods” research in classical myth. And read about the Zodiac signs as much as possible. Otherwise for the rest of the day (most of it), I listened to the radio & watched cricket – Australia actually won! Jules & I were freaking every time they got one [a batter, I assume] out! Rang Fi tonight – she can’t do anything tomorrow – going to town with her mum. Also rang Mrs P – she wasn’t certain, but Monique’s coming home on the 25th; she rang me right after! [we definitely shared some freaky incidents, that girl and I…] From Brissy! She’s coming back withCameron! Believe it or not the one who’s s’posed to hate her. I didn’t ring Mark. I might tomorrow night – saying I’m going crazy with boredom. Tomorrow tho’, we’re going to “book” Jules in .. I think. [And “I think” this referred to her moving to Cairns High. She’d witnessed the changes that the switch to ‘CHS’ had brought me, so followed suit in the hope that her life would change ‘for the better’ too.] Boy it’s hot. Woke early this morning to a downpour. Got a sprinkle this arvy ‘n’ that was it. Crikey gee! Hangin’ out for a letter from MW tomorrow. Hope 10:25
HOME! I’m HOME! We woke (well, I did) at 5:30 (4:30 Qld time) got ready – finished packing. After [family] photos drove to airport. A short wait, and we were all (almost all) in tears.. I didn’t expect I would [cry]. On the plane, tears as we waved goodbye from plane & I absolutely gushed when we taxied down the runway & took off, over Sydney. Trip was boring. Didn’t really want to stop at Brissy but…. [back then there were less flights per day, as well as fewer routes, so a stopover in Brisbane was probably unavoidable, but with more family living in Brisbane anyway, the extra time was easily put to good use] Uncle Steven looks so much like dad. Only other person I see in him is papa. [My grandfather. Contrary to the way people usually pronounce it, we used to call him “paa-paa”] Dad & Papa mixture. Simon (youngest) is so cute) Daniel (hmm..) & Ben rather shy. Auntie Bev changed little. day was boring there. Glad (almost) to get on the DC-9 (hate those planes – always get sick/feel sick) Boring flight short stop Townsville (lotsa cloud & turbulence between Bris & Townsv.) Nightime in Cairns. Dad, Jenny & Geoff there [at the airport, I assume]. Feels so good to be home. Yet I still love Sydney! After I unpacked rang Sharon – not home, monique – not home & mark – not home. GREAT, GUYS! I’m home, but no one else is. [Funny that: the world doesn’t revolve around you!] Oh well 10:05 sleep in 2morrow
Tuesday 30/12/86
Boring. Disappointing. No one answered when I rang Sharon. Monique was home. She invited me to town with her. About 11:00 I got there. Went to Richardson’s [a local department store that primarily retailed textiles] (sometime) and spent ages there ‘looking for a pattern’, then went back to Monique’s. Pool water was so “warm”. Camille & her uni friends Sam and Gayle there & soon Lyndon his friends Ian (cute!) and Tim (blech!) came. I was bored. Later watched a video (Eddie & the Cruisers) and I rang mum. She was mowing. I swam again & watched TV till she came, about 7:30. At home, after bath & dinner rang Mark. Was at the Waterworks Paul (I gather it was) said he’d be back after 9:00. I asked him to get him to ring me. Hasn’t yet – it’s 11:10. [Um, are you seriously still expecting a call?] I been reading Dolly since phoning him. SO HOT, HERE! Not used to it yet!! Jeez, I realized I haven’t a diary for ’87. What’ll I do for N.Y.’s Eve? Woke [this morning] to a light bedroom & revving of lorry engines next door SHIT
[In the Notes section at the back of the diary, I further analysed myself …in relation to Mark, of course:]
END OF THE YEAR; I’M REALLY “GOOD FRIENDS” WITH HIM, BUT STILL SO DAMNED INSECURE. CAN YOU BLAME ME? I need to be REASSURED CONSTANTLY +ves outweigh -ves. If I hear good stuff lots more than bad, I’ll worry less. I’m so sensitive and insecure; just too emotional. How am I to believe what I’ve heard, even from him? Why do I worry so much? It’ because I care so much SO MUCH. I wish I could believe everything said to me. But I think of bad things, anything that goes against what’s been said – so I am curious, and anxious. ← that’s insecurity
The arty record of the final days of 1986 per my school diary
Wednesday 31/12/86
Well, Mark rang, after Sharon this morning. He’s (possibly, but most likely) going to Croc. Rock. It was only in town with Sharon that I decided I’d go- (our phone call [with Mark, that is] was not really happy – told him I wasn’t going out.) We met Ben & Robbie A. in Good Time [a local clothing retail store]. I was introduced. We stayed with them the rest of the afternoon. I got really relaxed around them. (Ben, anyway) Robbie really wanted us (me) to meet them tonight. “You gotta go out – my, Ben’s, your first New year’s Eve Out. So I did. We were late (Sharon & I). Ben was there Robbie was at Nighthawkes. Walked there. [to Nighthawkes? From Crocodile Rock? Sheesh, that would’ve been damned long way…] I got in, on my own .. NO SWEAT!! We danced. Ben & Rob are so good at dancing. Then midnight came. Goodbye ’86. You were a really enlightening year. I matured a lot this year. FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT’S STORY, SEE 87 DIARY 1st JAN [I created this ‘strict’ habit of quitting the story, my diary entries, right on midnight. Because – of course – that’s when the years ended, right?]
[Again, in the Notes section I summarised the year and set the scene for 1987:]
1986: This year I have grown up (?) or changed (yes) a lot. So many beneficial things happened due to my shift to Cairns High. I’ve made more friends – males like I’ve never had before. I’ve opened up more – gained in confidence because of it. But a subsequent downfall in schoolwork due to increased (dramatically increased) social life. [I have to admit, I totally nailed it. To this day, even with the benefit of hindsight, I can’t deny that the shift to Cairns High was a notable turning point or life milestone.]
NEXT YEAR I WILL HAVE TO KNUCKLE DOWN. MUCH MORE THOUGHT & CONCENTRATION IS REQUIRED. MY LIFE LIES AHEAD – MY CAREER WILL HAVE TO BE DECIDED. [There’s a hint of the pressure that a lot of teens feel even to this day. Even at 44 years of age, I can totally identify with the stresses many of senior secondary school students feel with regard to their futures. This is most definitely a timeless, universal sentiment.] MANY DECISIONS TO MAKE
Purritty embarassing! Ha! Apparently cameron was there when he rang… shame… so I’m sure a few other people know now too… Cameron, Keith, Mark, Brent & probly Steven. Girls: Sharon (mima told her; she’s totally ignoring me!!!) monique sandra (P) mima, fi, me & tanja S. I didn’t want ‘anyone’ to know… I felt terrible… (kind of) Fi & mime kept telling me to go & talk to him … asif!! Walk up sit down & start talking. I don’t have the guts, sorry. [Have to say, I still wouldn’t do it now either. Yes, I am still THAT shy.] Otherwise, fairly boring day. Think Mark didn’t mind the call. Thinking a lot more about it … he left his dinner, talking to me & the more I think about, I realise he did ask me some questions & talked too. [It’s amazing how well our Minds can ‘warp’ things…]Dad came round this arvy [it was his birthday] – gave him screwdriver set, copper beer mug and socks (& lotsa hugs & kisses) mima & fi went to town after school to get my prezzy!!! 9:35 (miss my digital watch!) can finally do [understand, I assume] my maths!! Hip Hip HOORAY!
Tuesday 8/7/86
Got a bit depressed this afternoon. I feel so dumb – I HATE my shyness. Yet, that is what they all say Mark likes in me. But it also means I won’t be able to talk to him (at school anyway) I am so confused…. Watching the mini-series now “Mistral’s Daughter”. (Besides being a little corny, it is a beautiful story.) 9:50.. gonna crash soon. Did no HW this arvy. [Removing name here for privacy reasons] went home with [and again] (and guess what? . . . yes! She said she had to tell someone. She said it was “great”!! !!!) so walking home, she stopped in at my place. We talked. Sometimes about Sharon…a fair bit about Mark. If there was a happy medium between shyness & “bravery” If I could just be able to say ‘Hi’ now & then & talk casually in class etc. it would be perfect. I am tired. And kind of depressed & confused & unsure & insecure. [Heavy]
Wednesday 9/7/86
We skipped athletics trials again this week (and with my luck, they’ll have cracked-down on those who “skip” it so will get into trouble on my birthday…) Went to town at big lunch… looked for [cassette] tape [of the album] “Little Creatures” by Talking Heads (no one had it) then got Fi’s (formal) shoes off lay-by & got lotsa food. Stopped back at Dunphy’s newsagent for the rest of the arvy, reading mags again. Polly & her friend Selina were there this time too. Also today realised just how much work I have for art and, all over, how much more I’ll have to try to achieve my goal of at least 3 VHA’s this semester…→ A LOT!! And Mark? Well, I didn’t see much of him. Going to Nana’s for tea tonight [it was her birthday…within the space of 3 days, my dad, my grandmother & I all celebrated our birthdays], on our way to Newmarket Drive In bottle shop, saw a person with blonde hair riding along. Thought Cameron. And it was. And Mark was there too!! YUM YUM! Did no HW. Is 8:50.
Thursday 10/7/86
At the annual Cairns High & Saint Augustine’s football game. I’m left of centre, lifting my chin…
MY BIRTHDAY…WOWEE. The biggest, sorest pimple on my nose… PAIN! And it’s bright red! Fairly good day. Woke up to phone calls galore & ran late!! From Fi & mima, I got make-up (eye shadows!!) and cards + 1 from Donna. Not much of a fuss at school Thankful, in a way. Pretty boring day except that I missed double art for a bio talk (only to be near mark – otherwise I wouldn’t have gone) Quite fun & I think Mark’s looking at me a bit more again now. (??!!) Upset after school – the CHS & saints footy clash was on & no one had invited me. After a lot of tears [oh dear, not a happy birthday?], I scabbed a lift with the Brewers (felt absolutely terrible) mark wasn’t there. But Cameron (2nd best!) was. Got $100 so far [total birthday cash, that is]. Dad & Geoff & Jenny yet to go!!! [Expectant little thing, aren’t you?!] (Hoped Mark’d ring or something) eyes are so sore (from crying I guess) stinging – must shut them & get some sleep!! 9:45.
Friday 11/7/86
If there was any doubt, that can (again) be rid of; I have new again, straight from “theman” (Cameron. McK) Fiona said “does mark like Elissa?” In biology dance practise. Of course (loyalty to his friend) he didn’t say but she bugged him & he said (something like) “Mark really likes Elissa. He’d really like to talk to her but is too shy. He’d like to walk up & talk but wouldn’t know how to start a conversation.” FREAKY!! I’m happy! I LOVE MARK!! (I look at him and wonder “that (meaning gorgeous hunk) likes ME?” How can it be? Anyway (I had a good time in chemistry with Cameron, even had a ‘waterfight’ (which Mark witnessed the middle & end of) Went to town with Julia & Justine tonight. Saw so many things I’d like that ended up only buying my shoes – which I adore!!!!!!!! ♥ Mark! 10:45. In town in Chandlers [THE eminent music store in town at that time], saw a guy (not really good looking) had looked so much like Mark ie; his features so closely resembled mark; wonder if its his brother. Unbelievable how similar he looks!
Saturday 12/7/86
I did nothing. (I mean, after I went clothes shopping..) I got a pair of white leggins/ski pants and a heavy cotton jumper/dress… soft pink. Also got white & soft pink socks (cotton, knee-hi) and mum bought Julia a colourful shirt. But this arvy, I did barely anything. Waste of a day… could’ve waxed my legs or something. . . (eg. HW) But finally got thru’ to mima’s around 6:15… she said they’d come at 6:30 to take me to see the Yr 12’s going to their formal. I wish I could’ve seen Fi . . apparently she looked beautiful [dolled up as an usher for the function – the privilege I had also been offered but declined]. I really felt stupid … why didn’t I go? I know why & in a way I don’t regret saying no. [Well that’s a relief! Acceptance of the outcome of my choice, and a hint of the presence of some degree of self esteem!] Anyway, I’ve already started planning my dress etc!!! 10:10 Hope Mark will be my partner at our formal. Hope so. Yummiest Guy out!! I love Mark W!!!
Sunday 13/7/86
Boring! I did my set HW (and I didn’t even start my english assignment) – well, (what I could do of maths) I didn’t have much. Then I waxed my half leg (shins) I’ve washed & moisturized them a lot this time so the hair follicles will hopefully not get infected; feels better!! (Missed a fair bit!!) Also played lots of records [yep, black vinyl – the original recorded music medium!]. But it was rather boring. Love thinking about Mark….. spunk. Also this arvy, experimented with my hair … made it wavy or crinkly & have decided to do it like that for my school photo tomorrow. Looked good! Also have decided how I’m gonna grow my hair …. Length to my lips (all the same; a bob) and get perm solution combed through it; push in some kinks so its slightly wavy or more “bouncy” – “curvy” !!! [Uh-huh and that’ll work. I had fanciful ideas about how things worked!] 10:15 Tired! Got big red dots & pimples all over my face. Will hafta use coverup so they don’t show in my photo.. unless they miraculously heal tonite!!!
[Although I didn’t date it, I’m fairly sure the following spiel I wrote in the ‘Notes’ section at the back of my diary happened sometime in this week – the mood and tone seem to correlate:] Mark is the biggest spunk. Want to make friends with him (at least) Am so upset. How the hell can I do this? Let’s face it; I am far too shy. He has to make the first move. I think he does like me a LOT. I think. (I hope) well, the way it’s going I know I am liking him LOTS more all the time. Just have to look at him and I feel elated knowing he likes me; that beautiful, tall hunk likes me, in all my plainness. It is inconceivable. [It’s inconceivable that I had such an incredibly huge inferiority complex. But, I was what I was!] But I love (??) him or at least have the biggest crush on him ever. . . .
Very boring, actually. I was glad to be back at school, but tried to stay out of YKW’s way cos I hated my hair. Most people did notice. Some really liked it but by far the majority thought it was just “nice”. [Tell tale sign that they actually didn’t care, Liss!] I told everyone I didn’t like it. And that’s the truth. [I still do this, and I really don’t see it as being self-deprecating. I honestly just tell the truth.] Fiona told me today that ugly “tough” black guy with big lips and nose & crucifix earring likes me. Lynette C told her. I always score the YUKKY ones I wish Mark liked me. Oh, how I wish. I also wish my hair’d grow back fast. No poops at school→ got the pains but withheld and, surprise, surprise, the one I did tonight was about 90% normal! [Surprise, surprise! Oh dear] 9:34. Didn’t do any HW naughty. mima & fi weren’t on the bus → they went with Mr G. Also went different ways after school
[And at the back of the diary in ‘Notes’ section, I’d written:] Yeah man! It’s the 7th – I’m back at school in 2nd term. My first week of this month was shithouse. I was sick and depressed (about mainly my flop of a hairstyle. N’ever mind…..)
Tuesday 8/4/8
Cross Country run. Didn’t even get a place. [Seriously? Reading this I was surprised that I’d even written it. Did I really think it was a remote possibility? I wasn’t a runner, I barely exercised on a regular basis. That is strange …and funny.] Heather, Justine, Mima, Fi, Joannah & Megan & I ran sort of together. Actually we walked most of it. I’ve got aches in my legs now – not like from doing the exercise → like growing pains. At the end Mima, Fiona & Joannah, Melissa [uh, Melissa? Who’s that? I think I meant Megan] ran ahead. But we (J,H [Justine, Heather] & me) beat them cos although we walked, we jumped the fence instead of going all the way round. Did no HW again. Bad, huh? I’ve got to do some Esp. chemistry tomorrow night – exam on Thursday. “mmmm…looks good to me” is my new thing about Mark “mmm” is mark. [Oh really? I’d NEVER have guessed…] Another late night. Yes! 9:45. My watch band broke on the run. Gonna hafta get it fixed proply
Wednesday 9/4/86
Got 43½/50 for my Biology & 8/15 for Chemistry. Worse still, it’s 10:50 and I have barely looked at my chemistry work for my exam tomorrow. I got only 4 more flowers (all the others they were all out of) & a lot of speech homework. And my art isn’t finished. I’m in a real fix. I’ll hafta wake early. My watch is fixed. I forgot to clean my teeth this morning & put deodourant on. Not a good start, huh?! Now my feet; I think I have damaged from the cross country in sandshoes…There’s a big hard lump in the bottom of my left heel. I don’t feel good at all. I got my fringe straight today → blow-dry technique. Geez. I really feel down sometimes
Thursday 10/4/86
I did fail chemistry, I’m sure. I knew almost nothing. Heather & Brent & I (don’t tell anyone) cheated a little – compared answers. I think I’ll have to start a home study timetable or I’ll fail chemistry and maths. Biology and english are basically simple compared to those. [I am definitely a ‘words’ not ‘numbers’ person (which is why I’m amazed that I ever thought of accountancy as a career prospect) and as it turn out, biology has come to figure prominently in my fitness career] It’s 10:20 Another late night. Watched TV, started my journal for art (when I realised I’d left the script [?] at school so I couldn’t do it anyway) then did (or started) what I hope to be my 6-adjective piece. Didn’t get to see Halley’s Comet again. Haven’t seen it yet. That’s appalling. It’ll be out of sight soon too. Trust the weather to be bad when it’s visible. [This was the only opportunity I would have to see Halley’s Comet in my lifetime…unless I reach the age of 90 with perfect vision (and, uh, that’s already an impossibility) Since it returns to our solar system every 75-76 years, it’s not expected again until mid 2061. Bummer, dude.] Ate a lot when I got home from school. Always do. It’s a shame. I eat little except when I get home. I could be losing weight. Wish I didn’t pig out at hm. Mark was away today. (So was Angela M) You don’t think…? Nah. Impossible! (??)
Friday 11/4/86
11:20. How time flies. Only an hour ago, it was 9:00, I could’ve sworn! My throat is slowly killing me (well, not quite) I am worried about what I will do after Yr 12. I’m so insecure. [No idea, which I wasn’t to know, is the same for many…] Geoff advised me to get a job and found a career before dabbling in art, cos’ the competition in that arena these days is so high. But I want also to go where most of my friends go (not “James Cook” Uni – yuk – townsville [JCU was a new tertiary education institution then and was founded in Townsville, Cairns’ rival city] I hate thinking about it. I’m terrified.I might be getting a cold I think Hope not. Bludge in double english – Mr Grossetti was away. Did bio assignment & decorated my diary. Wondering if Mark really does like me or if it’s his way of flirting. Hope he does He was away again. And I’ve had a sore throat all day – it’s been a bad day
Saturday 12/4/86
$28.20. (I let dad keep the 20c!!) I did $12.20 worth of drums – big and little. And 4½hrs work (sales tax.) It could have been 7½hrs, but my foolishness cut it back. You see, when I started at 11:30, I went the wrong way doing the tax so I’d just repeated what was already done. This was at 2:45, I realised. Dad said he wasn’t going to pay for my mistake [hard task-master], so I started again – correctly this time and worked till 7pm. My itches also became worse today (ever since Wed, I’ve been getting really itchy all over, but only for a short time in the mornings) Today I came up in lumps And was totally red from scratching. Now I have blood blisters from it. Yuk [I get itches these days too but it’s definitely not the same as this. ‘Neural Dermatitis’ doesn’t produce lumps, rashes or any other kind of skin affliction.] 11:00 LATE AGAIN. Wonder if Mark is at Anne Maries Birthday party. Wonder… I like him. [You don’t say?]
Sunday 13/4/86
AUNTIE HILARY’S HERE!! She came at 11:30. I did my art today. Wanted to get english, bio & maths done too but didn’t have time. I read over some of my diary (the parts that I was at school) [True procrastination – no time to do all my homework but time enough to read my diary…] Esp. about Mark. Gee, I was so confused then (not saying I’m not now) One day I’d be sure (?) he liked me, the next he wasn’t interested. Its all the same, tho, huh? Always like that. Jodie gave us a present – a cute exercise book & pen. Cold is just nasal now i.e.: no sore throat just blocked & runny nose. Nose is sore. Is 8:56 Early-ish nite for once. School is tops except for the work. (!!!)
Woke later this morning – 9:00. Camp was too short. SCHOOL TOMORROW. OH NO! Tanja, Mima, Fi & me (& hopefully Sandra B) will be a group. [The little Cancerian, driven by the desire to feel Secure.] Anyhow, cleaned up after a Gigantic brekky of pancakes again. Went for a swim. Others got 2 paddle boats, left us (4) behind. We swam out & they paddled away. BITCHES. Sandra felt bad – we understood her. We were half-drowning. Cooked big lunch too – soup, custard, popcorn & damper. [Yuk!] Then left at 2:30 in combie. Tired on way home. But had fun. Exhausted now. Beka rang to wish me good luck. Felt guilty about not seeing her before school like I said I would. Am almost composed (I guess) [I can imagine how nervous I would have been feeling] Is 9:34
Tuesday 28/1/86
Today was…. quite….. UNREAL!! I’m in 11B with mima, Fiona, Tanja, Lynette (G), Brent, David S, Cameron McK, Mark F, Kevin L and a few more. Great huh?!! English – I’m with practically no one; Bio – Angela J; Maths – Fi; Chem – Fi, Mim, Lyn & (everyone else) in our form; Art – Sandra, Astia, Elisia. Great!! Heaps of spunks – mostly jerks though. Bus was empty – about 10 people on it!! More tomorrow – will be packed. Sean M is in my Bio class. There’s a cute spunk (his friend I think) there too. Mmmm! At lunch, walked Angela to her parent’s shop & met Jason P, MR & MP Busting for pee all day – didn’t wanna go to those yuk loos. [I’d heard tales years earlier about razor blades being embedded in the cakes of soap, and the coloured girls attacking the whites in there: no doubt a part of the fear mongering older students liked to dish out to keep the ‘newbies’ in submission, because I never experienced anything remotely like it in my two years there. Having also come from Smithfield High, which was a brand new school when I began there, I was accustomed to somewhat newer & obviously cleaner amenities] Is 9:15.
Wednesday 29/1/86
I am sooooo tired. My english class is full of dead-shits (dags, idiots, delinquents) Donna B is with me. We’re the only white girls. The best thing is the teacher – Mr Grozetti. (Adam’s dad) He’s good, mima says (she & Fi have him too) Also my biology class doubled mysteriously in numbers today. So that means we’ll be split into 2 classes & with my luck Angie (J) will be in the one I’m not (I’ll have Donna B) Art was embarrassing. Had to get to know each other. Neville pretended he couldn’t say/remember my name. How pathetic. [Fair go! Maybe you actually aren’t memorable, Liss?] Skool finished early. So we went to town.. Caught bus home. Is 9:33
Thursday 30/1/86
Orrrright. My Bio class is …. small. Angie is with me so is Donna. Love Chemistry & Maths (Fi) Ben’s also in our Maths class now (David D, too) Cyclone Winifred has intensified and is directly east of Cooktown Gales up to 150km/hr SHIT! That’s why the wind picked up (one hell of a lot) today. Raining still. LOVE IT, though!! Sean is in other Bio class so I have nothing with him (thank god) need not pay attention to or sneak glances at him. He’s a jerk, but he’s cute. So’s David S. Double english tomorrow YUK. Oh well!! Heapsa work for art. This course is gonna be VERY HARD Is 9:48 Have no leathers for Chem!!!!
Friday 31/1/86
Best of all, I like David S I think. I also like Steven B, Cameron McK, Sean S, Mark W, John C, Rikki & Ben P. I don’t like like them – I think they’re spunks. God I’m tired. Wind has dropped & rains a little less. Am behind in art already. Gonna hafta make my folder a rush job. Oh well!! David’s sooo cute & Steven’s such a spunk. Gord, CHS is a haven of spunks. [Like a kid in a lolly shop!] I’m bugared. Getting my leather shoes tomorrow. Periods finished. Gonna look after my skin. Is 11:50 Movie was slack. Gosh I can’t believe how tired I am nite nite!!!!
Saturday 1/2/86
Cyclone Winifred’s path, as tracked by the Australian Bureau of Meteorology
I am writing by the light of a torch. The cyclone is now nearer to Babinda – Innisfail and heading SW at 15km/hr However Cairns is still on cyclone warning. The power has been off since 3:30 this arvy due to various fallen power poles. The wind is very gusty. Radio reports heaps of telephone/power poles, bus shelters, trees, sheds & roofs – hold it, they just said that FNQEB men are trying to restore power at this moment. Great – hope they can. The wind and rain sounds like the ocean now – great gusts remind me of waves breaking against the shore. This morning went searching for leather shoes – nothing. Saw Mark R – works at Mathers. Smiled at him & smiled back. Felt a tinge of confidence!! Is 9:10 saw heapsa others too [Up to this point Winifred was one of the most destructive cyclones to hit the Far North, as the Australian Bureau of Meteorology noted: “Winifred produced the most disastrous effects on the Queensland coast of any tropical cyclone since Altheain 1971.” She was a Category 3 on the scale of 1 to 5 (five being the most intense) and the eye of the storm crossed the coast just south of Innisfail, which is approximately ¾ hour south of Cairns.)
Sunday 2/2/86
Tonight I’m writing by candlelight. The power has now been off (it’s 8:36) for 1 day and approx. 5 hours. Today, we cleaned up the yard & took all the stuff back outside, before dad came. We went to Duffy’s (her whole front yard was a torn, lifeless muck – jungle & her shed at the back no longer existed) & helped her clean up (then to Roger’s old place – he lost the fence & some windows on the granny flat.) Then to a party at Kingfisher flats on Esplanade (BORING) Jenny drove us home (after a tour of the town) mim & Fi were at the park waiting for me. We talked. Rained a bit. SHIT the weather’s fine again. There’s pretty bad things – old 100 year old trees fallen. [These were mostly fig trees, which apparently have weak or shallow root systems so are obviously more at the mercy of storm conditions than many others.] It’s a shame. But I love the rain
At the back of my diary, in the notes section, I expanded upon the cyclone:
THE CYCLONE WINNIFRED has been pretty vicious. They say that what Cairns looks like is nothing compared to Innisfail – 100 houses approx. are roofless. There are only 2 trees still standing in the whole of Mission Beach & worst of all, 2 people have been killed. [According to the Bureau of Meteorology, the death toll was actually three] A young girl was hit by flying iron & a 43 yr old man fell from his roof, trying to secure it down. [The third was apparently a drowning] The oldest trees around Cairns have fallen. Heaps & heaps. It’s a terrible shame. 100 years old – we’ll never see others if they’re planted now. I wish cyclonic winds would leave trees & power poles alone. [Ha! A pipe-dream. Clearly, I was sensitive to flora destruction but at the same time also couldn’t bear electricity blackouts.] Everything else – I don’t care. I hate seeing beautiful trees up-rooted. It’s ugly & saddening.
Boring! [Hmm, that’s not what you wrote in the scrapbook…] Mark was rather unenthusiastic Kept looking for me (??) I kept looking at him Later; after lights out, Mark [privacy omission] came to our tent. Mark didn’t seem ‘interested’. But it was good getting with [just kissing, people!] him. [privacy omission] Mark spent his time worrying about being caught too. I daresay that night was bad for the teachers – kids swapping tents etc. Probably got to sleep around 3:00.
A Life in Words 