self consciousness – Page 3

A ‘Fantastic’ New Shirt & a Horror Flick (21-27 April)

Published on April 21, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 21/4/86

A Life in Words — For those who missed it last week, the (now weathered) news clipping of our art class photo in the Cairns Post

Jemima said a quick ‘Hi’ and said nothing till 3:20 after school. Fiona said ‘Oh, I didn’t see you’ after 2nd period. They weren’t on the bus. But she’d seen me before during the morning. They really piss me off. They did a lot of talking and hanging around each other. [This stems from jealousy, which stems from loneliness. I always felt like a ‘third wheel’, never having a ‘best friend’ of my own.] I spent before school & lunch time in the library with Sharon and Donna respectively. My photo was in the paper for CAD today. [The one from last week’s blog] It was a fairly good one too. Julia thinks I’m one of the prettiest there. (I wish) [My sister often told me how pretty I was, ‘compared to others’. I never ‘valued’ her opinion – assuming she was just saying it because it was her duty as an immediate family member. It also speaks of my lack of Self Worth… or Self Belief.] I am so tired. I don’t think I’ll bother about writing about Mark anymore. I’m wasting my time liking him. He doesn’t like me & never will so why don’t I just stop dreaming?? 9:33 That Kuranda party was a once in a lifetime event. ie: it was a dream. Will never happen again [I’m really in a particular frame of mind at this point in time, huh? Pessimism certainly has the reigns here now.]

Tuesday 22/4/86

Double bio was in lab. I really don’t think mark likes me anymore. [Biology was the only class I had in common with him] Pity. (But I always say that) Jemima went home sick after lunch today. Amanda (C) said she was white as a ghost. Bad, huh? Well, I spent before school and big lunch in the library again: this time helping Sharon. We did a big rush job for her english but it was fairly good. [I’ve only just realised that I was actually doing something that only happens in American teen flicks: doing someone’s homework for them. Well, “helping”. But not getting paid…] And her maths was quite a waste of time. (I spent most of the time talking to Maureen) I HATE Peter P. Everywhere I go practically he’s there. It SHITS ME OFF. [Apparently he was ‘attracted’ to me, but the feeling was (obviously strongly) unrequited.] Boring. Sharon has “organised” for “everyone” to go to Green Island on Anzac Day Holiday. Big rage. Guess who I’m wishin will come. But I’m not hoping cos he probly won’t. It’s 8:44. I want to get lots of sleep. I bin so tired lately.

Wednesday 23/4/86

It was inevitable. It had to happen. Mark F knows who I liked (no longer now) Wonderful. And he won’t believe me when I say I don’t like him anymore. [Teen taunting] I’ll bet he’s told at least one person. He almost told Cameron this arvy. Speech was on my own. Mima had to work (actually, it’s 8:30→ she’ll still be there) I’m hot – no, warm. (Slightly uncomfortable.) I’m trying not to worry about (well, not “worry” but take notice of) Mark W. I do think I still feel for him (so corny, elissa) But I’m wasting my time. I said to Mark F “I wouldn’t have had a chance anyway. PITY. Am going to Green Is. on Fri then mima’s on Sat. Staying sat. night after going to movies. Black bags – something bad under my eyes. Nite nite!!

Thursday 24/4/86

9:57. Sharon hasn’t called me yet. We (I) don’t know what’s happening now. Everyone’s changed his/her mind Sharon, me, Fiona and Angela M want to go to Green Is. But Joannah C. doesn’t want to go anywhere. I don’t know what’s happening. Except that I must remember to ring mima about Saturday night. Today was different. I only spent before school in the library with Sharon; at lunch, I was with mima & fi. Walking home off bus, Mark F. mentioned Mark W and I stressed to Neville I used to like him. They both don’t. (Up their arses!) I still think he’s a hunk, tho. Quite warm today. Not usual autumn weather. Am so tired. Hair is growing fast. Seems everyone i.e.: the “popular” girls Angie M, Trisha, Michelle W, Joannah etc are being really nice lately. Am glad!! [The Need for Acceptance – oh Ego, you are so blinding…]

Friday 25/4/86

[Anzac Day] HOLIDAY So far as laziness, gluttony and boredom go, this has been my worst day. I ate so much. I feel so ashamed. I did absolutely nothing but watch TV or read my book (or eat) instead of doing homework. And as a result, it was the most boring-est day of my life. You see, cos Sharon didn’t ring back last night, I had to ring her at 7:30 to find out whether she was going or not cos Fi rang an hour earlier, wanting to know what was happening. Anyway; it wasn’t on. So that’s how I spent Anzac Day, 1986. Cyclone Manu is getting closer to Cairns by the minute. “What? Another cyclone?” Yep! Not quite as intense as Winnifred it has centre winds of 150km/hr so far. 11:32. Got back from movies, OUT OF AFRICA was absolutely BRILLIANT no other word for it. went with mum & julia & geoff

Saturday 26/4/86

Well. I got ready and “rushed” into town. Bought a fantastic green (emerald green) blouse. I love it. Only $28. Saw mima – she said she thinks it’ll still be on. I said for her to give me a quick buzz if it’s not, but otherwise I’ll come as per normal. I did maths HW all arvy till I packed for mima’s. Didn’t have a shower. Got all “excited” – the first movie was “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”. Then that Movie. I didn’t watch more than about 1/20 of it!! I kept my knees in front of my face most of the time. And I was “fine!” [It was a horror flick called ‘House’. I have always hated ‘scary’ movies – so my attendance at this was for purely social reasons.] Colleen, Liam, Sharon, Fi, Brent, Polly, Anna, me & mima went. Not many other known people. Mark R was there. Got to sleep around 1:00! Was alright, too! [Alright as in no boogeymen or nightmares]

Sunday 27/4/86

Woke around 9:00. Slept in till 10:30. Today went so fast. Around midday Amanda (C) came round. We talked. Watched ‘Fraternity Vacation’. Ate piklets. And honeycomb. And played junior Trivial Pursuit. Amanda left, Brent came & left, Jay left. We finished the game around 5:00. Took Shannon home to get her clothes for school. Then I was dropped home. (I think this pen’s running out) Watched Countdown. Watched more TV. Boy, am I tired, now!! Absolutely bugared. (I definitely need a new pen I think) Pretty, funny kind of day. Did no HW. Umah! Wanted to get my english assignment out of the way. Too bad!! School 2morrow. Thank God for school. I love it!! [Now how often does one hear THAT?]

Diarrhoea, Dire Straits & Deprecation (31 March-6 April)

Published on March 31, 2014 by Elissa Coxen2 Comments

Monday 31/3/86

Gee, the days are goin’ slow. I’ve been “farting” all day and they’ve been of the most foul scent!! [… if this description is too much for you, quit reading this post now. You are about to be very well acquainted with the “Coxen Bowel Fetish” as my father refers to it…] I just watched TV (& tried to cut-down my eating→ not too successful) It’s 10:25 Gettin’ my hair permed tomorrow I think. (I have no booking yet) Actually I’m tired. And I can’t think of much to say. (A change, huh?!! Did I tell you on GOOD FRIDAY, Lucy rang me?? Yeah! It was great talking to her → she thinks she’ll be up in June holidays (can’t wait!) Think I’ll throw in the towel concerning my trip to Japan. I’ll never raise the required amount ($2200) And I want to go to Dire Straits concert (& buy clothes too → I haven’t done that for ages!!!!!!) Gee I’m tired And bored And getting VERY fat. UMAH.

Tuesday 1/4/86

Today was generally a BAD day. I went to work (did drums for 2 hours & got only $8.50) earned my piddly amount then left it there. Got shitty cos I felt “picked on” in the office by Jenny, Mum & Julia. At nana’s I had lunch, then got my hair permed → another mishap… Well, it’s not the perm, it’s just that Annette cut off too much of my hair (remember it was long on one side → short on the other [see pic on the left, it was inserted here in the original text] like that. She cut off my long side, to make them even.) I spent a fair while trying to straighten out the perm (as well as crying) then when Julia came back from work, Dad had a great pick on me I decided I wanted to die when he left cos everybody hates me. All He does is pick on me [I can imagine teen hormones would have played their part in this emotional reaction but I was sensitive to criticism as well. I think I have managed to retrain my reactions now…] It’s 8:30→ I took a Mersyndol tablet for my head ache (getting lots lately). Made me drowsy now

Wednesday 2/4/86

I’ve had another bad day. I am sick (I don’t mean mad, I mean ill) I was awake almost all last night with headache & nausea. Vomitted only once. Didn’t vomit today → just felt tired, weak & depressed. Ate, too & I kept it down (all I had the whole day was 6 vita-wheats & piece of toast all with vegemite, a piece of toast with honey & a green apple.) [Dry toast, grated apple and flat lemonade were the standard fare mum provided when we were sick.] Still don’t feel too good. Mum took us to Nana’s in the morning, then took me home & Julia & her went out to the Smithfield shopping centre. I watched TV. Julia got her Dire Straits ticket. I am so worried about my hair It is so different→ I hate it & I’m paranoid about about going places where people know I could see me. I HATE IT. I am tired. It’s 8:38. Hopefully I’ll get a full night’s sleep tonight.

Thursday 3/4/86

But, guess what?!! I got it straightened today! UNREAL huh?!! (Although I do feel very selfish and guilty about getting a $30 perm one day and another $20 perm only two days later. It was a total waste of $50.) AND I AM NEVER GOING TO DO IT AGAIN so long as I live – I’ve learnt my lesson. Spent today at home. Lotsa Diahorrea today – but it stopped late in the afternoon and I feel healthy & better again now. And I also want to go to Dire Straits now too. I rang Fi about it all but she wasn’t home (Stu didn’t know when she’d be home) so I rang Beka and had a big talk to her. Fiona said she would call me. But I had to & she wasn’t even home. That frustrates me. [Frustration meaning, upset due to feeling ‘forgotten’] 9:44. I feel better. Thats’s all I can say. I wish my hair’d grow just a bit faster tho. My main worry is that people (esp. Mark) aren’t going to like my hair…..

Friday 4/4/86

This has been the worst week of my life. Who needs Friday the 13th?? In a matter of 4 days; Tues, Wed, Thurs & Friday, I have wasted just about $80 and become ill. You see, I rang Fi, she was at Jemima’s. Polly rang me & invited me with them. Mum got me a ticket I felt healthy again (I still was dihorrearing tho’) and I went with them. Got there 5:45. Show started at 8:10 – but I was at Nana’s. You see – I got sick – didn’t think I could take 5hrs of standing up, so Fi walked me round looking for a phone; we had to go out of the show grounds to use one. Mum wasn’t home – Geoff wasn’t & Dad too. So I caught a taxi to Nana’s (and she paid him for it) Mum picked me up when I reached her at 9:15. I wasted time, energy, money & fun by going home before the concert even started. WHAT A JERK. I hate myself. Hate. Hate. I am a JERK 10:30 ← and I didn’t even see Mark. Did see Tina, Vanna & Sally.

Saturday 5/4/86

I slept right through again, last night – i.e.; didn’t wake once till the phone rang at 8:00 this morning & it was Dad asking if I wanted to work. I decided to. $27.70. Spent the whole day there so when I got home, there was nothing to do but watch TV….I think I am better, now. I had only the very least of stomach pains – 5 at the most & my poos (I only did 2) were looking more solid (or normal) My hair is quite wavy at the front. But I don’t mind too much. I hate it when it dries naturally→ then it’s really curly. I’m feeling better, tho. I was supposed to starve myself today to kill the germ but (another good sign) I couldn’t → I had an appetite!! I ate 1 chip, 2 Vita Weats plain, 1 plain crisp bread, 1 lolly, 2 pieces toast, dinner & a cuppa tea! Is 10:45. School soon. Hope Mark doesn’t hate my hair. Stupid, huh?

Sunday 6/4/86

I’m eating normally (I have my appetite back.) The problem is I get random pains and then do a poo which is not “runny” but “loose”. Understand? (Don’t blame you if you don’t) [Not enough information? Hang on, here’s some ‘real-time action’…] Oooh! I’ve got one now; just wait a tick – I’ll go to the loo…. Did nothing anyway. [Oh, what a shame. So sorry to let you all down.] Pains, pains, pains…. I just realised how much school work I didn’t do over the holidays, today. I wanted to do all the rest of my english assignments (or at least, repeat my old reading one) + finish my biology assignment (still haven’t got all the flowers) And I was meant to do Chemistry study for our exam this week. It hasn’t quite yet dawned on me that tomorrow I will be starting school again and won’t be able to sleep in. 10:36. Am worried about my hair. If (YKW) will like it. I’ll hafta borrow Julia’s gel (I’ve none left) But at Dire Straits (while I was there) greg k didn’t notice it was different. Somehow I think Ykw will.

The Mannequin & the Ancient African Queen (17-23 March)

Published on March 17, 2014 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 17/3/86

Guess who was a snob today? I walked down to art, passed him (in a crowd of people) he looked but face was the usual scornful look – no’ expression. I smiled partially. [Definitely one of those begin-to-smile-then-realise-the-recipient-isn’t-going-to-reciprocate moments] I had wanted to say Hello. Angie was upset, too. Sandy B said Mark told her he didn’t like her. (I don’t mean to sound cruel but I hope he doesn’t) [Obviously self-interest, certainly no animosity] Also, Keith kinda looked as if he wanted to say hi, but I was too shy. [Surprise, surprise!] In art, 4th period – he came briefly into our class (I was sitting near the door & partially smiled at him as he entered) I do like Mark a fair bit. Got up-to-date (fairly, anyway) in Maths. Actually got my english assignment in too!! Double Bio tomorrow. I wonder if Mark remembered the things we did & said – I hope so. He’s so nice! It’s 9:38. I have the distinct feeling I’m not in Jemima’s good books lately. Wonder if I’ve upset her at all. Heather & Marg esp. H. are being really nice to me now. Same as lotsa others. I’m in good books [I’m certainly not feeling like the ‘goody-goody’ (social ‘pariah’) I felt I was at Smithfield High now.]

Tuesday 18/3/86

M-Mark! Mm-mm! Hunky!! Did I tell you we got the car back yesterday? No? Well it looks good (abit funny tho’, cos all the parts are new & modern i.e. bumper bar, grill, lights & bonnet etc and it makes the car ooh funny – back part old fashioned – front modern!!) Rode today with mima (Fi’s got a flat) First a dog chased us, then got soaked to the bone in a downpour (And I got a bit the same on my way home, too) Beka also called in to give me a belt back Wanted to tell her all about the party & Mark – but didn’t have time. Also did no HW. Hafta wake early tomorrow to do it. Also have to reply to Fran’s & Delanie’s letter, yet. Raining now. I love it. Rain, rain come & stay, never ever go away!! Ha! Ha! It’s 9:36. And I should’ve gotten to bed an hour ago.

Wednesday 19/3/86

I had some good news today. Well, I’m hoping it means good. Y’see, at lunchtime, barely anyone was around our seats, except Angie (M) & Astia & the pop. guys up the end. Terry said “elissa” – I look ’round → he said “come here”. I say “why?” “Wanna talk to you” – I start to move up & hear a funny noise from the group→ a laugh kind of. [yes, clearly the boys were getting ‘excited’ & ready for the ‘entertainment’…] I’m sure I went scarlet & I felt great heat creeping up my neck and face. I didn’t hear who he said but Terry said “… is a nice guy.” Shame! But you know who I hoped it was! (Angie M. was away yesterday [here I am omitting something that is not my place to share] ) After speech, fi, mim & I were talking about … mim said she doesn’t think he hates me (cos we were “together all night→ Bull) Fi said she overheard M & Steven in art and said “You remember the manequin?” “Yes” he said (I dunno how he said it though) [I’m surprised I didn’t mention the ‘Mannequin’ anecdote, but then I was limited for space in my diary. It began on the Fitzroy Island biology excursion, when I was ‘caught’ dozing on the boat ride back to Cairns: when I opened my eyes, I saw Mark & Angie & the rest of the group all looking at me, then (naturally) they laughed. I was highly embarrassed (which is another reason I’m surprised I didn’t recount the tale on the day). So at the party, Mark was asked (can’t recall whether I or one of my friends interrogated him) about that moment and his explanation was that they were concluding I looked like a mannequin because I was so still. Hmm, doesn’t ring true with me now, but I ‘ate it up’ then.] M. is tops. It’s 9:33. Wow!! another late night & no HW done. Wonder, wonder, wish (??!!)

Thursday 20/3/86

I am confused. I don’t know whether he likes me or not (to start with) and whether he likes Angela M still or not. (It’s known that he said he didn’t, but maybe he changed his mind. [It has been known to happen!] Hope not. Hope he likes me a lot. If not a lot, then not at all [haha, “all or nothing”!] Because if I did go with him, I’d be constantly afraid of the relationship ending. Cause I like him a lot & I don’t think I could cope with him saying he didn’t like me. [Oh dear, so much Fear at such a young age. So much …Ego!] Oooohhhhh… English exam I think I failed. It was so hard compared to the ones we got from Smithfield. Didn’t ride today – I rode to mim’s in morning to check – caught bus at her stop & watched everyone at gym. Fun? Nuh. It’s 10:01 on the dot. And I am disturbed. My dream last night gave me doubts about ever (if possible) entering into a relationship with anyone. PS: I did maths HW

Friday 21/3/86

Can barely keep my eyes open. Is 10:20. I am so tired. Went to Nana’s to help her with her cleaning and also change around her furniture. After, went to Coles to get some (few) groceries for us. Mark was there – I didn’t see him until the end. Wonder what he thinks of me. It is so hard to tell. Wish I knew. Wish there was another party. Damn, am so tired – my eyes are so sore. Chemistry was O.K. Tanja & I were able to check some answers but I know I haven’t full marks. Got 17/20 for my english assignment, too, which is excellent, considering I wrote it before school & at lunch-time!! [I was always a ‘natural’ in English] Have another one to do this weekend + Maths + Biology study. I am dead. Work tomorrow. Have decided to ask dad if he can give me money instead of chocolate, for Easter. I really want to get my hair permed. I must also lose some weight.

Saturday 22/3/86

Half-hoping someone would ring and invite me to a party, I decided not to spend the night at Dad’s unlike Julia. [This is exactly what I say to people when I’m finding examples of my “un-familial” nature. I yearned for social stimulation (but didn’t actively seek it out- duh!) Funnily enough, I believe I inherited my sociability from my father himself – I have always perceived him as more of a social creature than a devoted family man. Perhaps this is why, to this day, we maintain significantly less contact than my sister and he do?] I worked only a little – there was not much to do – I earned $21.50. When I got home, I wrote letters – 1 to Fran (short-ish) but the 1 I wrote to Delanie was 8 pages: about 6 or 7 of which were all about Mark, the party & Fitzroy etc. Ha! I’m wishing’! (Bloody oath, I am – no joke. He’s got to like me. Got to) Oh! It’s 10:38. Late night again. And I did no HW again as usual. Cram, Cram, Cram. Have maths, bio study & eng. & bio assignments to do tomorrow. Poop. AM starting to feel tired now. Weather is wierd. All my thoughts and writings (i.e. letters & this diary) are concerned with Mark. he is all I think about. Oh dear. [Yes, oh dear]

Sunday 23/3/86

It’s 9:42. 10 minutes ago I finished a letter to lucy. Now, this weekend, I have written 4 letters, sent 2. Started writing out rules for maths exam. Did a bit on bio assignment (found out most of my flowers are now mouldy or brown) and (very little) for english. Spent most of my time Doing my hair, listening to music, reading about classical mythology and eating. [We had a strange little single volume ‘Pears’ encyclopedia that I loved to delve into now & then. It contained some pretty eclectic info, including a great deal on Mythology, which I loved. In it I actually discovered an alternative origin of my name, other than the boring “derivative of Elizabeth”. Elissa (or Dido) was a Phoenecian princess credited with founding and then ruling as first Queen of the city of Carthage (in what is now Tunisia) in 814BC. I’m guessing that predates the very English name ‘Elizabeth’. Perhaps Elizabeth is a derivative of Elissa?] Nell & Amanda came around. Conversation was very weak – couldn’t get one started. But they left almost as soon as they came. Nana came over, too. In all my letters (except to Jodie & Mike & to a lesser extent, Fran) I have detailed about mark – it has been the major subject of the letters. I just can’t get him off my mind. Am I in love? [Nope] Or deeply infatuated? [Bingo!] Or, or what? [Obsessed?] God I wish I knew.

Falling in Love on a Trampoline (10-16 March)

Published on March 10, 2014 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 10/3/86

Julia is sick. Soon as she got home from school – she was talking irrelevantly [?!], crying, dizzy head-ache and after, (almost) continual vomiting. [Unfortunately, I fail to disclose what was wrong with her, so we’ll collectively never know] Mum took her to the dr’s in Geoff’s car around 8:00 tonight. Got little HW. Did most of it. Got letter from Fran. Wanted to write back to her (& Delanie) but didn’t have time. Is 9:40 now. I am not very tired, but must get sleep for tomorrow. Am excited, in a way (at least Donna & Mark W.* will be there (*I hope)) “Boringest” day I think I’ve ever spent at CH. except that in triple art (& little lunch) we watched “The Breakfast Club” – unreal, excellent, tops! And Neville & I talked on our way home off the bus this arvy. WOW!! My teeth are sore. (Only gamming) [Okay: why I would be ‘gamming’ about sore teeth, I can’t fathom, but for those who are wondering what the hell I man by ‘gamming’, it was local slang for “just kidding”] Have a breakout of tiny pimples all over my chin & round my nose & mouth. Not ordinary pimples – like rash lumps. YUKKY. [That’d be Rosacea. I had it on and off for years, but since I really cleaned up my diet, it has completely disappeared.]

Tuesday 11/3/86

Weather was fair for a fair day. Not exciting – but not boring, either. Is 9:30. Am quite tired – not looking forward to Thurs. or tomorrow, for that matter: I was skinted badly today → we were talking about who we liked (Donna, Angie, Maureen & I) and I said “Steven B…” and Mark W was sitting nearby. SHAME Then I indicated him & I think Angie told him later. [Uh-oh…] She was flirting with him all day. Otherwise – I LOVED SNORKELLING!! It’s fantastic! I even touched some coral!! I think the only time I’ll ever be afraid of the stuff again, is when I have no goggles or flippers. [Wow, I don’t recall having a coral ‘phobia’. But clearly it wasn’t quite resolved, since I’d still need snorkelling paraphernalia in order to find my courage.] Otherwise – I’d live in it!! Nah!! I just realised another favourite Pastime!! SNORKELLING RULES!! Not burnt! Believe it? You better! I’m a bit hot now. Got chaffing. And I don’t think Mark W likes me much.

Wednesday 12/3/86

Boring day. Boring. Boring. Boring. I forgot I had speech → was 30mins late. Had some of the remaining birthday cake from Mrs Marsland’s party yesterday. The mock cream I actually liked. [urgh, really?] Think Steven knows. Am sure of it. Then again, could be my imagination, huh?? So. I haven’t much to say. Except that I missed out on 9 sections of work in maths yesterday and our “prick” teacher only bothered to revise the last 6. So I know nothing. But the main reason for my “boredom” is the fact that almost everyone is going to Fitzroy tomorrow (& they’re gonna have a bigger rage cos it’s Heather & Marg’s birthday & they are gonna have a mini-party. And of course I’ll miss out. Life is dull. It’s 10:42. I am dog-tired. Am allowed to go to Sat. night party. [I love how I keep opening brackets and not closing them…because I’ve clearly forgotten – like a goldfish – that I had opened them in the first place.]

Thursday 13/3/86

Boring! That’s what today was. But I did survive having Mima & Fiona not there. I hated lunch time & before & after school & on the bus, the most. I didn’t really enjoy hanging around Donna (no one else would’ve hung round me) so I enjoyed her company anyway. [USER!!!] Did very little work today. Very little homework, too. But this weekend, I must get all of it done on Friday arvy, so I can do a bit of work on Saturday morning, then catch the train to Kuranda at 3:00 [where the party was being held; one of Cairns’ tourist attractions is the original train ride up there, so it made sense for parents to let us take it, rather than drive up the mountain range], go to the party and sleep in Sunday. Sunday arvy – assignments definitely. Angie is a bitch. [Here we go…. JEALOUSY is a bitch!] She’s flirting so much with Mark. Sat with him in Bio today. I think (hope) Maureen’s cheesed off with Angie. She’s a tart. I think she’s trying to make me jealous. [IF that was the case…. SUCCESS!] Is 9:50

Friday 14/3/86

I am tired. It’s 1:20. We’ve just come from a party (a Hash party) and, yes, dad was there too. It’s quite cool (Has been for a while) Carol B lent me 2 pr’s of Dean’s old flannelette PJ’s for the party. Don’t wanna use ’em but looks like I’ll hafta. [T’was to be a pyjama party…obviously. But I’m fairly sure I didn’t wear the flannels after all – it would’ve been way too hot. From memory I might’ve worn a pair of my ‘home-made’ (by mum) shorts, that could’ve passed as boxers.] Walked down to Limberlost Nursery with mum this arvy. Man gave us 20 specimens (or 16, at least) + all their names & I pressed 17 at home. That’s (almost) one assign. down – 2 (english) to go. So I did not get any set HW done. Am excited about party – will [be] tops – a rage, man! On the train, too! And dad said he’d drop me home early from work, if necessary. So I can work too. Fantastic!!!!! Am pooped. My eye-lids are lead. I’m bugared. tho’ I got about 1hrs sleep at the [Hash] party.

Saturday 15/3/86

My room’s been changed around and, Jeez, it’s different! I definitely love Mark W. He is the best! [Here we go…] I made friends with a lot more of the guys tonight (including him) but I think Sharon likes him too. He’s a spunk, he’s funny, he’s nice, he’s lovable. Angie is so jealous, too. [Really?] Sharon, him & I (mainly) spent a lot of time together sitting on the trampoline singing songs. He’s fantastic. And I hope he remains friendly even when he is sober. [!!!] Cos, to me, he’s special (but something strange tells me not to bother (he’s taken or likes someone else, etc)) [It’s called “Gut Instinct”, Liss. You’ll learn to follow it, One Day…] (I earned $16.25 at work today – almost missed the train) He came and sat next to me on the train too. I think he likes me – but it’s probably just my IMAGINATION (again) It’s 12:45. I’m exhausted. Mark W – is the only thing on my mind. Kissed me – not proper tho just a kiss on lips! [So this was it. As close to an ‘official date’ as one can get, to falling for a ‘First Love’. Note: I didn’t say TRUE Love!]

Sunday 16/3/86

Couldn’t stop thinking about last night → Mark & the stupid things I said. Mark, oh, Mark, I wish you liked me. A lot. Very much → nuts about me. I woke at 9:30. I couldn’t believe it myself!! over 8hrs sleep! Today I did work for my Bio assignment. Stupid, huh? It’s not even definitely due Tues. And english is due tomorrow And I HAVEN’T STARTED. I’M DEAD. I’ll hafta wake early & write something crappy I SWEAR, over Easter break I will do at least 2 assignments. I’m so glad I went to that party – I made friends (got to know people better) esp. Mark, Keith, Ann Marie, Heather, Tarquin, Tricia mostly Mark (& Keith I s’pose) Is 8:40 early nite please! Fixed my room properly today → heaps more room!

Boys, Boys, Boys & ….Prunes (24 February-2 March)

Published on February 24, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 24/2/86

Sooooo tired today. Everyone (well, y’know what I mean) liked my hair. Heather loved it. (Dunno if she was for real though – can never tell.) She said it was gorgeous. Melinda B’s party was…… okay. Not bad, Not excellent either. But was good entertainment (heaps of yummy junk food!!) Dropped Brent home as well as Fi & Mima tonight. Julia said “What a spunk!” As soon as we left his place. SKINT! Mima blushed really bad!! (So she said!!) Then later, Julia said, “Elissa likes Steven B.” Thanks, pisshead. Fiona questioned it (of course) Excellent excuse that I’d told her that I thought he & all these other guys were spunky. Hope she swallowed it. It’s true, though – I do like S.B.!! SOOOO HOT today! HOT! HOT! HOT! Is 8:56. Riding 2morrow wake early to do HW!!

Tuesday 25/2/86

Today…Today, um… we rode again. Yes, it was overcast, but still quite hot & on my way home, I beat all the CH buses and Julia beat me by about 1 min. she said (saw Adrienne – said Hi) My stomach is pretty bloated, too. I think I’m due for periods soon – tomorrow, actually. OH!! SHIT. Generally – plain day. Maths was good (I love it) Cameron McK must have a permanent grin – I can’t help but smile & laugh when he says something. He’s so nice. But Steven, well, I think he’s a spunk, but I dunno if I like him much anymore. People say he likes Michelle W, anyway. They also tell bad things about him. [I can’t recall what these were…] Pity. Did no HW tonight too tired. For art, are planning to go to Brissy (& Gold Coast etc) for holidays – the CAD group [like, an art excursion]. unreal, huh?!! Is 8:50 I think people these days (especially young kids) swear a lot more but think nothing of it. [Well isn’t this funny? If I was ‘shocked’ by language back then, imagine my horror now? I actually think that the act of swearing is becoming obsolete, because it is so commonplace.]

Wednesday 26/2/86

It’s a real pity about Steven. He’s SO SPUNKY, but everyone says how much of a bastard he is. [Again, not sure, but I think it related to using girls for ‘one thing’…] PITY. Speech was boring, but after, mima, fi & I talked for over ½hour, before I rode home. Must wake early to do the rest of my HW. Only got ½ maths done!! Have heaps left, too. Also riding tomorrow. It’s 8:50. Gotta get some sleep. Was so tired today ……bad!! Boy trouble – that must be all I think about these days. I’m so lonely. Brent rang tonight to ask me if I’d take my Chem. test results tomorrow. Yes. I would. I’d hoped there’d be something about a spunk who liked me, I got it on the brain, huh?!! Bugared. Time’s going so fast now. Almost 3rd month. [March, that is] mum’s at a tupperware party. I must get to sleep soon as possible.

Thursday 27/2/86

It’s 9:30. I’m hot & sticky. Have just been late-nite shopping with mima & fiona at Earlville. Fi bought a swatch, mima bought some leotards, but the rings were too expensive for me. DAMN. Angie J likes Steven B. Mima & Brent are setting them up to ‘double date’ (kind of) at the movies on Sat. night DAMN. My hands (actually just my fingers) are beginning to peel again. DAMN. I can’t decide between Cameron, Mark & Steven, though I’m pretty sure about Steven DAMN. its hot DAMN. I’m tired DAMN. Riding was good (beat all buses home again) Ran out of Beconase. Wish Steven liked me. He’s conceited (a bit). Pity Pity-Pity-Pity. I’ve got no chance against Angie. DAMNED DAY today.

Friday 28/2/86

9:05 and I’m in bed. Well, sort of. I’m gonna finish “To Kill A Mockingbird”. Pretty ….. plain day today. Jemima tried (is still trying) to set me up with Jarrad B. He’s not bad looking, but is pretty popular/tough & I don’t know him at all. I think (like I always think) Steven likes me as well as Mark, Cameron, Chris (K) and a few others – but you know me – the biggest imagination out. So I’m gonna try’n’skip the movies on Saturday night – I just wouldn’t feel too good with a set-up or blind date. [Funny, that’s still how I feel now. If friends want to set me up with someone, I tell them they have to hide the fact from me. I don’t do blind dates or set-ups.] (Angie thinks Steven’s not interested in her – hope so) Julia embarrassed me again tonight at Coles in town. Mark works there. I pointed him out to her & as he walked up & stood near us for a few seconds, she pissed herself. How embarrassing But GOD Mark W’s a SPUNK!

Saturday 1/3/86

Went into Coles again today. Mark didn’t see me – thank God. I’m so embarrassed from last night. I came home & tried to do my HW, but procrastinated. Went to greet Dad & Jenny at 2:30, came home earlier. They dropped by to pick up Aussie [their dog, who we were obviously baby-sitting for them] and gave us some presents (SHIT yeah) I thought they’d be materialistic (something to keep) Instead, we got lollies, butterscotch, coconut ice, peanut brittle, butterscotch popcorn, candy bars galore FATTENING!! But, by far, the highlight of today was the movie (well not the movie – WHITE NIGHTS) but Steven. He didn’t go in either did Angie (??) But after, mim & Brent, fi, me & Him walked around town, looking for a cafe Found none. caught Taxi home with mim, fi & Brent (Steven got his own) Is 12:10 and I am dead tired!! but happy.

Sunday 2/3/86

Today I ate only junk (the junk that dad brought back from his trip) Nothing good besides a muesli bar [Liss, if only you knew that’s NOT ‘good’] and a lot of water. I also had 6 prunes so I can shit out the rubbish tomorrow. [Ha!] Hope I don’t break out [pimples]. Did HW after lotsa procrastination. Everything but English & Biology assignments. I’ll hafta rush english tomorrow morning. Wrote out the poems & ruled up the pages etc. but must write out the assignment body. Then I can write good copy in english tomorrow. Gee, I keep thinking about last night – I’m sure (??) he likes me I hope. I’m watching “Tootsie” on TV now (It’s 9:52) Gee, I can’t wait to see him tomorrow. Talked a bit, so could get to know him better. Woke 9:15 this morning!! So I got about 8-9hrs sleep last night any-way!

Valentine Mourning, 1986

Published on February 14, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

At times in my teens, and even into my early twenties, I would write to ‘purge’ and this Valentine’s day was one of the first… or at least, one of the oldest ones I have retained. It’s probably a good thing that I felt the urge to do this (as woeful as it is) since writing is often considered cathartic…

IF ONLY…

It is 6:01 [PM I will assume] on the 14th of February, 1986: St. Valentine’s Day. I am 15 yrs, 7 months and 4 days old.

I know depression. Loneliness. That is just a form of depression, with which I am well acquainted.

I (along with others, I know) received no gifts.

However, I (along with others) gave no gifts.

Is it my shyness?

Is it my imagination which makes me think (hope) I’ll get gifts? And is it my imagination which makes me believe boys like me?

What is my problem?

Am I fussy? There are those who have shown their attraction, yet I rejected them.

If I am fussy, there is no hope of my changing. It would only make me more unhappy.

What is a kiss? I am 15½ yrs old and never been kissed.

That may not seem bad to the older generation, but to those of mine it is saddening. Is there any hope for me?

I wish someone, someone to whom I am attracted, would show a mutual interest. It would be so very fulfilling for me. It would relieve so many anxieties withheld each day.

I could no longer be ashamed or feel sorry or pity for myself.

That is what I feel. So sad. So sad.

So depressed.

Especially, on this day.

St. Valentine’s Day is, for everyone, either the most beautiful, rewarding, touching or the most sad, depressing day.

The latter I have experienced every February 14th, every year.

It must change.

It MUST, MUST, MUST, MUST, MUST, MUST, MUST, MUST, MUST, MUST change.

But WHAT do I do?

Do I ignore my imagination; being friendly & lively instead of shy and withdrawn to those to whom I am attracted.

It is easier, much, much easier said than done.

It is a terrible, lonely feeling which I am experiencing. I know many others (many?) know the feeling all too well, too, but it is something that one choses to believe is happening only to him.

It is indeed, a selfish attitude, but a true one, one that cannot easily change.

Those may try and brightly say “Oh well! Plenty of others know this feeling too.” But within, there is pain. Loneliness.

That type of depression is ….heartbreaking. That is perhaps the best word describing the feeling.

Heart-breaking.

Oh!

If only…

If only I could change

If only others could change.

If..

If.

This depression is tiring. depressing.

God, how I hate that word.

I feel I could cry my heart out.

But.

But there are no tears. Just a sinking feeling. Blue. That’s how I feel

Down.

Down in the dumps.

Blue

Heartbroken

sad

and

Depressed.

God how I hate that word.

What’s the use of being a ravishing beauty if there is no bright, bold personality to match?

I am not a ravishing beauty. Yet, I know I am no cow.

But I have the personality of one. I lack sincerity, individuality.

I have no personality.

I have

Personality.

It is 6:30, now.

Noisy Neighbours & an Eyeful of Toothpaste (3-9 February)

Published on February 3, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 3/2/86

Art is hard. I’m not sure if I like it too much. We have to do a journal (just 2 people per week – this we[ek] me & Angela M) Ask people how they feel about being back at school etc taking Quotes. SHIT. [I’m shy – in case you have missed that along the way – so this kind of assignment would bother me not so much for the work involved, but simply for the fact that I’d have to talk to people…. people I didn’t know because I was brand new to the school.] Wrote 8 page detailed letter to Jodie & Mike about the cyclone. Got letter from Jodie & Fran today. Gonna write to Fran again, soon. Hot today. Bit sunny. Had some rain but Turning point was the ELECTRICITY CAME ON AT 8:26pm!! 2 days 5 hours without power. Gee! Riding tomorrow I think. Farting a lot. No smell. […in case you were wondering…] Is 9:57 (late.)

Tuesday 4/2/86

Riding – hot & sweaty but good!! Got to school at 8:10, but finally went to our area at 8:40 cos’ we’d spent the time on the oval waiting to cool down. Was bad!! Riding home, I “dropped” (lost) my 2 art pictures, they went under cars, bikes, but I got them back in a pretty good condition believe it or not!! Also got my Bio texts today which made my bag 50kgs heavier!! (OOH! Mozzies are bad) Had no English today – Great! Had no chemistry – BOO HOO! Got an ulcer on my tongue. Still have no idea what to do about this frigging journal for art. Stuffed shit. I talked to Neville today in art. Was funny (wierd) – for me at least. Is 10:03 – very late tonight!

Wednesday 5/2/86

HOT today. That’s why we need rain – its never that hot. I sat in the back seat today with Polly & Ruth/Judy ( / means they swapped ½ way) And Fiona (f) told me that Mark likes me & Neville doesn’t. (Don’t blame him) This art course is getting me more frustrated by the second – so much work – barely anything to do with ART. Hmph! Am boiling. Party next door – Fullers. Kids are playing spotlight or something – yelling soooo loud. SHIT is hot. Might have another shower before I hit the sack. Is 9:39. I need an early night, some time (soon) SHUT UP next door!! Night!

Thursday 6/2/86

It’s 9:27. I can never get an early night. It’ll probly take me an hour to get to sleep & I’m a bit sticky although it’s raining now + I Hope it doesn’t stop. this morning mima & fiona caught me by surprise – they appeared on their bikes. Luckily I was ready early. Today I found out 2 other guys who like me – both dark – one, the one who likes me the most, is ugly & yukky & I hate him. [Harsh!] Goes on our bus & is in my maths class. The other one’s okay looking but is a toughie – a jerk – a reject. Max temperature today was 36.6º STINKING HOT especially riding home & when I got home (believe it or not) Neville (was at Mark’s) Yelled hello & waved. I, naturally, a nice person, waved back & “Hi!”

Friday 7/2/86

I had a feeling today would be a bad day … it wasn’t. But it wasn’t fantastic either. I did no HW at all today. SHIT its hot. Wasn’t as bad today as it was yesterday. Our chemistry class is gonna be split on Monday. Betcha anything I’ll be separated from the main. Betcha. Christ it’s hot. Got my english contract for Sem. 1 – today & found out that stupid [art] journal is due today & not Mon. but she’s letting me hand it in then. I was the only one who got my 6 logos right today – Betcha people think I’m a pet or something. Is 11:06. Another late night I wish there was no school. Bores me shitless. I think all the hunks at CHS dislike me & all the dags do like me. I feel really lousy.

Saturday 8/2/86

You’ll never believe what I just did to myself. I was brushing my teeth, when on reflex, the brush flew out of my mouth and my reflexes shoved it into my eye!! I cacked myself (so did mum – not Geoff) [to ‘cack’ oneself is to laugh so hard one might soil one’s self] It looked so funny!! Although the toothpaste got in & began to sting a bit. FUNNEEE!!!! Am hot. Today I did no HW either. We went to help (to clean) Nana’s flat, from 10:00 to about 1:30. [I assume this is when she moved into the nursing home. She wasn’t ‘infirm’ – she just needed to be somewhere where she could receive assistance if she had any difficulties. The rheumatoid arthritis was beginning to erode her independence so she was placed into a ‘serviced apartment’ in the complex. She was still autonomous.] Was boring. At home I did nothing. I should have done my HW: I’m such a procrastinator. It’s only 8:34 now – I’m having an early night. D’you know, Fi, mim & I (& some others) put our names down for the school social committee yesterday?? I wonder if we’ll be organising a Valentine’s Dance??

Sunday 9/2/86

Today I woke at 8:37. I couldn’t believe I slept for 11hrs last night!! It’s great – there are no bags under my eyes!! (But I’ve just watched the movie – it’s 10:26 – so I’ll probly get them back) I did my HW after all, at around 10:30. Mim rang me then & asked if I’d like to ride to Trubok Pools so we could practise for the swimming carnival. It was perfect except that I had to see Dad off today. [I have no idea where he was going…and why it was necessary to “see him off”. One would expect it to be a lengthy or distant journey for this kind of ‘fanfare’.] So I refused. Dad came at 2:00. At the airport we sat in the bar with some Hash people. Said goodbye. Stayed with Hashers at bar, till Roger took us home at 4:00. I ate sooo much. Watched TV & finally finished my art journal – is really crappy!

Silver Hoops, Gold Lotto & Reincarnation (6-12 January)

Published on January 6, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 6/1/86

Today I watched TV until Beka rang. She had some letters from Lucy for me to read. She walked over. We watched TV & went on the swings, then when mum had to go to Stratford, we picked [up] her gear [to ‘sleep over’]. Back at home, we watched TV, went for a walk (long) & then on the swings again. We visited fi in our walk but she wasn’t there so we got a phone call from her. She’s gonna try to come to town (try – she’s a bit sick) tomorrow with us. Is pretty hot (10:00) Petra’s staying tonight too. I dunno what else to say but I think boarding school’s gonna change Lucy a lot.

Tuesday 7/1/86

I’m sooo tired its not funny. I got 6hrs sleep last night. [Hmm, 6hrs is almost standard for me nowadays, though I prefer 7-8] Just couldn’t sleep in. Went to town (Fi did come, too) Was quite boring. All we did was walk around, Fi looked for & tried on togs & we saw “ST ELMO’S FIRE” Again (me & Fi) for Beka. I didn’t have near enough money so I borrowed. Was great – love that movie (so did Beka!!) (‘I’m Your Man’s on NOW!! LOVE IT!!) Just watched a 2hrs special about reincarnation. Terrific, scary, eerie, weird, incredible. [No doubt one of the many contributors to the formation of my spiritual belief system] (God I love this song!) I wanna work – I need some money. BADLY. Is 10:34. NITE NITE.!!!!!

Wednesday 8/1/86

Dead boring. That’s what today was. (Hey, I’m overdue on my periods, again)…(they were due on the 3rd)…(Uh oh) [It’s pretty entertaining to think I expected a natural body function to follow a man-made calendar.] We (should I say I) woke early & tried my darndest to sleep in. Got ready to go grocery shopping with mum. Ended up bored shitless, waiting for Nana & her blood test. Finally (after having to search for nighties for her too, (and I got a pair of silver hoop ear-rings!) Mum & Nana hate them) [I have previously mentioned how ‘traditional’ my grandmother was, and part of that was naturally ‘instilled’ by her in my mother. Nana hated pierced ears, so mum wasn’t a big fan either. It took a lot of whinging over many years by me and my sister to finally be allowed to get them, but when we did the proviso was that we never wore ‘dangly’ earrings. Ever so slowly this stipulation eased over time but clearly at this stage, a mere pair of hoops were still enough to piss my elders off] mum dropped us home before the shopping. I watched TV & ate. Also, today bought more shorts material – cute tiny dots. Watched movie. Is 10:33. Didn’t win Lotto (never do)

Thursday 9/1/86

Another HOT day. Very lazy: just watched TV & ATE & ATE & ATE. Amanda came over to play with Julia & she kept saying the earrings (my new hoops) looked nice & my hair & my face….. I went slightly red!! [Never been good at accepting compliments. Again, speaks volumes about my self image.] Watched the TV movie. Had Peter Sellers in it (he was very young) so it wasn’t funny after all – it was “stupid” comedy. Wierd film. Fi & Beka rang me today. I’m going to ride with Fi & Anna to the Rocks tomorrow (will have to ring her to find out definite details tomorrow) then tonight Beka asked me to town & the movies with her & Juz (Justine) But I’m broke. Tonite I cooked dinner!! Tropical shish kebabs were Nice!!

Friday 10/1/86

Today’s max was 34! I made myself a pink miniskirt (from one of Jackie’s old dresses) after watching a bit of TV & before leaving for Fi’s. Got there about 11:45. But we went to the Rocks at 3:30, because it was too hot to leave near noon. So we bored ourselves talking, playing cards, watching TV, listening to tapes and feeding Stuart’s pet birds. Once we got there (the pools were crowded) we lay in hot, shallow rapids, downstream. The Rocks, for as far as I can remember has always been ice cold even in the hottest of summers. Anyway, got back around 6:00 after a soft drink from Redlynch. I cooked tea again (good girl, huh?!) meaty casserole

Saturday 11/1/86

Boring day. We shifted (some) of the furniture in the lounge room around – just the washstand, the bookshelf & the white table & port sea chair. Looks different, tho! Also wrote (began writing) a letter to Lucy which (I decided) will be a continuous one, stretching over the rest of the Hol’s. Went to the Clarke’s tonight. I’m reading CATCHER IN THE RYE terrific book. Julia’s at Petra’s (has been all day too) I made a barby doll skirt (outa scraps from my panda bear print shorts.) Is cute! [Really? I was really still into Barbies at 15? Nah, I think it was more about the ‘fashion designer’ in me. Surely?!] Also mum & I went & bought some fruit from Coles today. Wasn’t too hot (max 31° I think) Is 12:42 now. Anyone wakes me early tomorrow gets a punch on the nose!!

Sunday 12/1/86

Cor, today was hot. AND, we found out that we won DIVISION 3 in the Gold Lotto!! We’re in ½ shares with Geoff, though. But that’s unreal! It means about total $1000 so $500 for us! Unreeeeeal!! [Um, $500 isn’t really that much to get excited about. But then, this is 1986 and $500 could buy one helluva lot more back then so that could justify my glee.] I just wrote to Lucy. Finished Catcher in the rye before I got out of bed this morning. Also read the Bird Smugglers by Joan Phipson. Was good: AND AUSTRALIA actually WON in cricket!! Beat the Indians by 2 runs, with 4 wickets in hand, and about 5 overs left, too. The last hit was a 4!! It’s unbelievable!! We haven’t won in cricket for years! [Uh-huh. Cricket talk. That’s not something you’ll see in any of my more recent diaries] Is 10:10.

Final Days of ’85 & some Bonus Rubbish

Published on December 30, 2013 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 30/12/85

Gee, it’s the 2nd last day of the year, 1985. I’ve got a new diary ready. for ’86. It’s colder tonight than it’s been over the whole lot (3!) [I’m not sure if that means 3 degrees, or 3 nights? In summer, in northern Queensland, my guess is it would have to be the latter since 3 degrees is a rarity there, despite being inland.] Today we lazed round again (listening to tapes – doin’ nothin’) Bit of rain & a little sun. After 12:00 we walked upstream till we came to the bridge Then we walked back to camp, along the road. Later we drove up to see our old camping site – it’s changed quite a lot. [Davies Creek had been a ‘return site’ for many camping trips, that began way back when mum and dad were still together.] Shallower, less trees & more rocks – a big diff. Very late tea (dinner) tonight. Hope it doesn’t rain – last night it did (apparently (cos I was asleep like a log)) & Julia’s stuff got wet. Am glad to go home tomorrow, in a way. But this is a beautiful area – would like to return. I have an idea of my New Year’s Resolutions [what, no hints??]…….→(is 10:50 now)

Tuesday 31/12/85

On the last day of 1985, I woke around 7:30 & had a large breakfast before spending the remaining 3/or 4 hrs packing up. Then we cleaned up [we ALWAYS tried to leave every environment as untouched as we found it] & relaxed for the last 1½hrs. We left Davies Creek at 1:30. At home (about 3:00) I unpacked quickly, then re-packed. Helped unpack at dad’s then got ready to go to theNew Years Parties. I’m ready now. I don’t want to leave writing this till I get home because it’ll be 1986 by then. We’re going to two parties (that I know of)Bond’s & some other person’s from Price Waterhouse. Amanda & Janelle will be at both, too. We’re taking our togs. I’ll be optimistic & happy tonight & hopefully that will get me on a good start for 1986.

25/9/85

Thinking about past times when writing my ’84 diary, I miss the fun the 3 of us had. All the things we did together on the holidays & even some weekends/weekdays were so fun! I wish it could be relived But I don’t WORRY about it anymore (e.g. – pages previously) I will be content, however little happier if some past events would again occur. Still, life goes on & past things must be “forgotten” Someone said (Tom Bailley – Thompson Twins) That near death, however, you wish to be with past memories parents, personal possessions etc. Then again, it could just be because he is a Capricorn!!

Justine is not my best friend. I have no best friend (s) I go out with her because she invites me. I must lead a good social life. If I am tied down, hoping to be included in everything Jemima & Fiona do, I will miss out on lots of wonderful things. After all, these are meant to be the best years of your life (Really?) I must learn to be responsible for myself & not DEPEND too much on OTHERS AND JEALOUSY is not an Admirable virtue

PREZZIES!! (Xmas)

Mum Material for shorts, candies, $1

Dad 2 sets of beads & bangle (aqua & apricot) + $20 Chandlers voucher + $40 (for clothes)

Julia [sis] singlet

Nana [my grandmother – mum’s mum] nightie, note paper, earrings, necklace, soaps (6, I think) cover stick (make up) Hankies

Geoff [mum’s partner] walkman, $10, candies

Papa [my grandfather – dad’s dad] $20

Jenny & Co [dad’s partner, my future stepmother] ½ shares in a year’s subscription of NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC + $10 ½ shares with Julia in a Chandlers gift voucher

Anthony [my to-be-step brother] candle & novelty glass

The Bests [family friends – of mum’s partner] Sleeping shirt & bubble bath

Hilary, Jodie, Mike [mum’s sister’s family] etc earrings + midriff singlet

Bev & Co [dad’s brother’s family] Blue T-Shirt

Pam & Co [dad’s sister & family] $10 voucher – Chandlers

Mrs M [my mum’s partner’s mother] necklace (chain)

Nasality, Quadraplegia & Hiding from Cars (9-15 December)

Published on December 9, 2013 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 9/12/85

Earned a further $25 today. Still want more. [Aha, first hint of an earning addiction. Working to earn, to accrue – whether to spend or save – can become a compulsion. While the discipline is admirable, on the whole it’s not great for your mental/emotional health.] Have to work to earn money for Wednesday, too; Beka, Justine, Lucy, me & Sharon D are gonna go to the movies & mum said I have to use my own money, so.. IS BOILING HOT!! Guess what we’re gonna see?!!! For my 3RD TIME – Back to the Future!! OMIGOD I don’t believe this heat! Mum bought some more new Xmas decorations. Adam G & Steven S rode by. (See, Friday arvy, when Beek & I were getting ready for the party, Adam talked to us – Beka reckons he was chatting us up. Anyway I think she might be right cos’ he & Steven were ‘hanging’ round this arvy.) Anyway, am having a (pretty) early night for once (is 9:45 now) So goodnight!!!

Tuesday 10/12/85

One of the most iconic Australian women’s clothing brands of the 80s

I am afraid – afraid to speak, that is. Everyone at work tells me how nasally I am getting. [Unfortunately little has changed, although I am surprised how few people have mentioned it in these later years of my life. “You have a distinctive voice” was the most recent – and very tactful – description of my voice.] I really want to have my adneoids out. I feel it would help a lot in preventing my allergies (getting totally rid of them) & much of my mucus problem, blood noses & of course (& most importantly) my nasality (& sinus). [Dr Elissa] Today I went to work again (for the money, and the sake). Earned $24. My total is now $132. Went to Kmart this arvy – forgot to take my money. DUMB, huh?!! (No comments, please!) New part looks good – there’s Cherry Lane & some other jewellery shops & ‘sunnies’ shops. Dear me, thinking about it, I think I do go to work not only for the money, but for something to do during the day. (Mum’s usually not home…) [My sister was in Grade 8 and they didn’t finish up for the year until a fortnight after us Year 10’s. And with Mum needing to work obviously I would have been very much alone at home. Everyone needs ‘Purpose’.] Dad’s running out of cash. I’m not allowed in there for some time. Oh dear!!.. Movies (again) tomorrow

Wednesday 11/12/85

Was ready to go to town early, so went to Lucy’s. Got mum a purse & dad’s running shorts. The movie was good (I’ve seen it 3 times, now) Beka loved it and the supporting film. Warren D & Wayne C saw us at interval. Came & sat near – BLECH! Caught 4:00 Bus to Lucy’s (Sharon D went home) Played board games (Anna & Colleen dropped in.) Beka & I are staying the night. Mucked around – went for a walk around the streets & I (of course, with my Luck it was me) got ‘sprung’. See, we played that we hid from cars when they came. I hid behind a car & Luc & Beek jumped into a bush. Stupid guy fairly blew me up. Fuckwit. Latenite. Read books

Thursday 12/12/85

Woke what musta been quite late, cos Beka got in BIG trouble with her mum. Apparently Mrs H came around to pick her up from work; knocked on the door & no one answered, so she went home & rang up later. For me & Luc, it was a very lazy day. We just read books. Ate very little until [at this ‘juncture’ a long arrow wound through and around my text, pointing finally to the ‘Cake Day’ sticker, next to which I wrote “Well, I mean I ate a LOT of cake, today!!”] (I got home) Watched a bit of TV & I went home at 5:00 Nana was here. Anyway, is almost 11:30, now. I finished my book about 20 mins ago. Gotta give it back to Lucy before she goes (she’s going on Monday) AM SOOO TIRED. I also have an ‘infected’ eye. Is all puffed up and sore. Mum thinks it’s a bite…

Friday 13/12/85

Lazed round this morning till 11:45 when got ready & went to the Dr.’s! At the clinic I saw J. C-S’s health card & I thought she must have been in there, but up pulled an ambulance & Jodie was in it. Julia said she was on the mini-trampoline in PES – she has a suspected fractured neck. There goes her sporty achievements. He (the dr) didn’t move her out of the vehicle for if he had examined her, & touched/moved the wrong things she could become quadriplegic. My swollen eye was just another side effect of my allergies. Dr H said I must continually use my Beconase – not just for the allergy attacks. It’s like “taking the pill once you’re pregnant.” So I’m on a trial run for 3 weeks. If there is no improvement in my sinus, nasality, allergies or mucus congestion then he will refer me to an Ear, Nose & Throat specialistic who might consider removing my adenoids. The Bluelight was boring in action – but the people were “good”. John Cl- & John Co-, & SEAN! He’s still a spunk. Also, after (on the way home) had to squish in Justine’s car with Jason P, Mark, Martin P & another guy. Funnily enough – I felt nothing towards Mark as I had for Sean. ←I was sure he likes me. STILL A SPUNK.

Saturday 14/12/85

I’m boiling.Today I concentrated on (& got) mima’s letter written. Was quite boring….About Green Is, tomorrow, dunno much. I’m taking Beka & Justine in. Dunno anything else. Will have to ring Justine in the morning. Jeezus – IS HOT. Watching Countdown this arvy (& Wham!’s new unreeeal clip) Andrew Ridgeley (with his new short crop cut) reminded me so much of Sean…. I think I’ve taken a liking to him again…… Watched the movie – is now11:00. Nite!

Sunday 15/12/85

PHEWEE!! I’m burnt again! Except a bit more – I didn’t wear a shirt cos’ the only other person to come besides Justine, me, Lucy & Beek, was S. Poor Shane! on his own – but I don’t think he minded that much. Boy is it hot! We got there 11:30. We swam sunbaked for about 1/3hr then got lunch at about 1:30-2:00 Spent the rest of the arvy (till 3:45) in the water. Bet I’ll peel again, too. Went back to Justine’s (instead of home) to have a swim. Lucy & I walked home around 6:45, Got home around 7:10 – dusk. Big dinner (the Bests were here) I am HOT!! & very tired – “exhausted” Pity no one else came. OH well!! Late nite.