bingeing – Page 2 – A Life in Words

Radio Tunes, Self Talk & A Freaky Incident with My Best Friend (10-16 November)

Published on November 10, 2014 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 10/11/86

I didn’t talk to him; ignored him as much as possible. What am I going to do? Everybody knows I like him – I have to get to be friends ..then – hope. NO! You don’t need him! You can have Phillip C. THAT’S YUMMY! And he likes you. He’s nuts about you!! He wouldn’t hurt you! Mark is missing out. He hasn’t realised yet that I’m the best thing that’s happened to him… I’m perfect for him ..but it’s his loss if he can’t realise it… I’ll be loved by others. And I’ll love them. He can suck! I’ll be his friend (Cameron’s my best tho’) [Well, if that wasn’t a rant and a half. Backflips, assumptions, predictions and precocious self-talk. Ah, the mental dialogue…] My work is getting ahead of me – I’m in trouble! (Art, especially.) Must try harder. Missed aerobics cos of work Did rather little, too! Listening to the radio – play all the good songs at night Yo! ho! ho! [←?? excited much?] I had 2 pieces apple pie + lotsa chips today! UMAH!!! Is almost 9:00 Nite!!

Tuesday 11/11/86

It’s about 10:50. A special ‘Beatle’s ‘documentary’ just finished. Their ending (split) was so depressing But I love (most) the music. [So did my bestie, Monique. It’s another one of the things that I felt defined her… or defined her to me at least] Today I kept ignoring Mr. Up Himself. Also realised how much strife I’m in, concerning work: especially art. [Really? You’re only realising now? Are you sure? Coz I’ve heard this a number of times before…] (my studies are not progressing either) but mainly my art – have to know what I’m handing in for the exhibition by this Friday. [I came to realise that I only perform under pressure. This leaving-everything-to-the-last-minute only gets worse…] Oh well. Boring school is. It’s going too fast. Cameron was away today. No one (barely) I knew went to the BBQ (for year 11) this arvy. I didn’t! I think Mark did but who cares? I certainly don’t! I need someone to fall in love with – someone who’ll fall in love with me, too. Keep lookin’ Liss! You’ll get there!! God I’m tired!! Broke diet again – 2 extra pieces of bread + cuppa tea + extra pita bread UMAH

Wednesday 12/11/86

It’s about 9:30 (I got a letter from Delanie today and wrote a 15 page one back!!) I’ve decided I feel differently towards Cameron. Was thinking about it in chemistry – thinking about when I held his hand at the party [?! I don’t remember that!] – listening to his voice at the same time. YUM. Then in 4th period art, in the storeroom I was thinking whether I should tell Monique or not. When I came out, she said “Do you ever feel like telling your best friend something but don’t want to?” I said “yeah, I just was!” Outside, I knew she was thinking about guys. She came out with “I think I like Cameron!” I couldn’t believe the coincidence!! She told me she was also thinking about him in period 1!! Coincidences! Something more than that!! It was so freaky – same thing, same time, same thoughts!! UNBELIEVABLE!! [I love this: our ‘connection’ totally swamped any sense of competition with regard to Cameron. Our friendship was clearly of much more significance to the both of us than a boy.] Failed my speech exam not doing it anymore. Did no HW (study) again but worked out art.

Thursday 13/11/86

I got news today. I am very confused. Talking to Duane in biology – he said Mark (still) likes me a lot. I couldn’t believe him – rolled my eyes. He said ‘true!’.etc. I don’t know what to think anymore. He is so thick (Mark.) […OR “he’s just not that into you”? I mean, if he was Liss, he wouldn’t keep hooking up with other girls at all the parties, right? Oh dear.] I know I do really like him still, but my fondness for Cameron has grown too. And Monique likes him. What’s going to happen? I am so confused- I really don’t know what to do or think. My schoolwork is going terribly, too. My art – ugh! And no use thinking about maths & chem. really stuffed up there. Mima told me yesterday at speech that Chris K likes me, too. [I’d nominated him as one of my other best male friends at the party last week] I am so confused! It’s 9:45. Hot. Duane kept talking to me after bio too (I was late for art). He even told Mark the other day how thick he was. Mark reckoned “why am I always the last to find out?” (Concerning me at the party – everyone ‘knew’ I was upset about Mark. I couldn’t believe it – he’s thick!!

Friday 14/11/86

It’s so damn hot! 10:20. I’m still boiling!! Contemplated ringing Mark this arvy – couldn’t think of a good enough excuse – bio exam? (gam on!) Sally’s party? (gammon!) or even apology for ignoring him this week. (Ha Ha Ha!!) I think I’ll get my art done this weekend. Have heaps of paper & pastels. But must also study lots. Esp. maths & chem. esp!! So hot. I can’t believe it .. 35º – I’m not used to summer yet. [Technically it wasn’t summer yet anyway: December marks the beginning of Summer in the Southern Hemisphere] SHIT I’m boiling!! Might take the fan in my bedroom. Kiss. I wish I could kiss someone (who?) I feel like having a beautiful big kiss. Listening to radio lots – great songs at night. [Less TV has gotta be a good thing] Whew! Ragey holidays! Don’t wanna do exams. Yukky Oh well! Gotta do well. What a lot of babbling: Ha! Ha!

Saturday 15/11/86

It’s about 9:10. Just come home from Pizza Hut – yes, I know; I really bombed my diet tonight! Garlic bread, cola, orange juice drink, pizza & worst of all, CHOCOLATE MOUSSE! (Was very rich & I didn’t feel too well for a little while!!) [I don’t know that Chocolate Mousse would have been the worst thing, actually. I think it’s on a par with the drinks…] Am so tired now. Today? Well I did more bio revision. Got fixative [an art product: aerosol spray that ‘fixes’ pastel work on paper] this morning. Have 6 no 5, art pieces left to do. When? Must do chem, at least, tomorrow. Really was hot today – felt as bad as yesterday, but only got to 32ºC, yesterday 35ºC. Tonight is cooler (just) tho!!! Tired – all I can think about! (must put headphones on – “party night” tonight Play all good songs!) Been listening to the radio lots more now. [You have said that. Numerous times.] Excellent at night – play lotsa great music. esp. tonight. Work hard tomorrow Liss. And mend your diet!! Thinking about Mark. I do still like him deep down. [of course you do…] I’m just extremely fond of Cameron.

Sunday 16/11/86

So damned hot! Lucy rang tonight! God I’m hot! We talked – I told her my ‘love life’ in very small detail Julia came in my bed last night to share the fan. [Wow, I didn’t realise we were that poor that we couldn’t afford a fan each. I thought we had ceiling fans anyway…despite not having ceilings! We had moved into the unfinished house as soon as it was liveable and mum was going to get things completed along the way, whenever she could scrape the cash together. She did it tough, but rarely complained.] I finally got rid of her. I woke up every time I had to move – so squishy. Anyway, we weren’t on the phone long. She wants me to write a letter before she goes on holidays→ that means no later than next weekend. God I only finished (hastily) my bio study today. Didn’t even start chemistry. Shit & I got no art done on the weekend. (Well, very little) Do chem all tomorrow and art all wednesday – no! Must do maths then! God I’m in trouble!! I’m still unsure about love life, too. [You don’t say? Flip-flop, flip-flop…] I know I think Mark is what I want – Cameron I love. But only as a friend. a really good friend – but my mind keeps changing. If I say only one thing, I know I’m still attracted to Mark a little, at least. I still like to be where he is. It’s 8:50.

Boys’ Behaviours & Grooming in the Garden (27 October-2 November)

Published on October 27, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 27/10/86

Went to aerobics tonight – was great – very tiring, but great. 2 times a week, I’ll go; get fit & stay on this diet. Am tired now. Is about 8:50. Cooler tonight although the expected minimum is 23º; same as last night – the days are still rather hot. Rained a bit tonight – hope it does, more. Riding tomorrow. Periods, I think, will finish quickly – hope so!! Um…big lunch was good. Didn’t talk to Mark today . . but all (practically) lunchtime he was there. Fi, Monique & I sitting near their end [as in most schools, the are ‘territories’ akin to ‘unwritten codes’. Year 11’s in general occupied an undercover space that spanned the length of one of the classroom blocks above which was the library. The ‘popular guys’ sat at the very northern end, the ‘popular girls’ immediately next to (the south of) them. We usually sat in that general region, but at this particular point in time, it sounds as if we were sitting a little further north, closer to the boys.]; watching & laughing at the antics of Steven, Mark, Keith, Cameron & Chris (not David, tho’) they’re so funny – Cameron’s bag in the tree – Keith breaking the branches, Steven wearing Cameron’s sunnies, Steven’s badminton raquet broken, Mark’s shuttlecock … it was all so funny – wondered if Mark really does like me. Feel good! Had little dinner (had some pineapple passionfruit pie today Monique made me!!! [shift the blame, Elissa!] Not much

Tuesday 28/10/86

I really don’t know what to think. I really like him. I really wish he liked me a lot. Oh, I can’t tell. It’s not fair. [Uhuh. Life’s not.] I rode. Yes, I am sore [from aerobics]. Mostly the upper arm and shoulder area. I am also rather tired. Very. I think, if I’m not riding again tomorrow, I ‘ll get mum to drop me to school, late. Otherwise I sit there, glancing, waiting for mark to show. I don’t want to do that. [The best thing about this is I know it wasn’t due to self consciousness – being concerned that people might notice me looking out for him. It was more about not wanting to be a slave to my feelings, if that makes any sense? Basically, I think it’s a sign of my deep-seated, as yet undiscovered Independence – or as some may read it, fear of commitment?] What’ll I do? Hot again, today. Homework is so hard- gonna start study this weekend with Monique (wanna go out, too, tho’!) Why? Just to see Mark? (Yeah, I s’pose you’re right. . .I’ve got to control it) Yep! Get it outa your system – think negative – HE HATES YOU. Great!!! Some gorgeous hunk needs to fall head over heels in love with you … and you with him. Diet? Well, I still dunno how much I’ve lost. But will keep it up- I like it!! Is 9:20 Must go to sleep. Bags under my eyes. So much work to do.

Wednesday 29/10/86

About 9:00 now. Went to aerobics this arvy, even though Monique didn’t. Found it a bit easier – quite a bit easier today – still sweating heaps tho!! [The perfect example of something I try to communicate to people who don’t exercise: training is actually easier than you think. The first session will always be the hardest, but it’s downhill from there … unless you’re ‘not doing it right’.] Bio test – blech! I don’t think I done well!! [I think the double exclamation marks here illustrate the fact that I was deliberately using poor grammar] (Mark didn’t even know it was on (or so he said to Chris)) I laughed at him. When I asked greg for paper, Mark’d say – “no, don’t give her any”…etc & do the forks!! I really must try to forget him – get interested in some others. Unrequitted love – like Steven. [privacy omission here] (That makes me wonder…) […about? Oh, whether he hates ME. Again. For the hundredth time.] still haven’t started my final assignment. GET MOVING Lissa. Not losing weight – must exercise more huh?! [Not necessarily, dear. I didn’t know back then that muscle weighs more than fat.] Riding tomorrow. Is rather hot (very) Got some rain today & tonight. I must think I’m ‘FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE [with regard to You Know Who…] Night!! Mum dropped me to school today – Lazy!

Thursday 30/10/86

Did not find out my biology mark. Did very little in art, blundered on blindly & hopelessly in maths & chem. Did not do any HW. My english assignment due before 3:15pm tomorrow. When will I do it? God, I’m a dickhead! Monique dropped all her stuff; doona, pillow, clothes, food, HW etc off this arvy. Also, during bio while video was on, I saw Mark write a note to Duane & then, getting it back, scribbled it out with a black nikko pen. I was very curious (He’d been out of school grounds before school, during double tutorial, little lunch & big lunch) so, after art period 7, raced back & got the note. [You nosy little….!? I can’t believe I behaved so ‘creepily’!] A bit skint – he was downstairs when I came down. Talking (Fi, Sharon, me & mima) to him, Cameron, Steven & Terry before bus came. Finally on bus mima deciphered it throughout the nikko… “I HAVE (then scribbled out) …[omitting the message for privacy reasons].” Naughty Boy!! Is 9:50. Mum dropped me to school again this morning!!

Friday 31/10/86

Oh woe! I am tired. Talked a (very) little this arvy – but mostly to Cameron. Boring day. Got english done & handed in at ~~big~~ end of big lunch. Monique got 2 done … wrote 3 paragraphs for the last one, UMAH!! Mum drove me to school again. Is about 10:40, must get to sleep soon – want to do all work tomorrow and go out tomorrow night & to the Beach on Sunday. Real ragey!! [I wonder when I stopped using that word? I hope it’s soon, it makes me cringe as much as the perpetual thoughts & whining about Mark.] Wanna sleep soon Mum & Geoff are home now. I really want to sleep. Study tomorrow – HW outta the way. I am tired. Now it’s 11:05…. Monique keeps talking so it’s taken me ages to write this. dunno what to write (busted my diet tonight – hot dog, dip, chips, lollipop – she-it!) Hope Mark’s at House on the Hill [nightclub] tomorrow night!

Saturday 1/11/86

So much for all the HW and study we were going to get done today! Monique sat in the back yard – I did little chemistry, she shaved her legs [I have such a clear memory of this. One of the defining memories I have of her; sitting in the sun with a bucket of soapy water & the razor], I did no maths, we had a water fight & washed our hair under the hose. Got a little burnt too; fi called a few times. About 8:00, mum took her, monique & me to monique’s then dropped us at the video shop. [I wonder what my mum ‘knew’? I can’t imagine that she would have allowed us to go out. My guess is that we fed her a lie about watching videos at Monique’s…because we didn’t own a video player ourselves.] We walked back. Monique had a shower – we all decided what to wear. What could I wear? I eventually gave up and just watched the video. Monique & Fi were ready – make-up, hair etc. Finally Fiona dressed me. We got a taxi there around 12:00 Waited for ages in the carpark till we finally walked up… rejection! I couldn’t believe it. We walked away And sat on the steps… wishing the guy’s’d come out…guess what? Chris K & Glynn came out!!! Unreal!! After about ¾hr, we attempted again… a synch!! signed […and turned the page over to Sunday, to continue….]

Sunday 2/11/86

the book [the statutory declaration ‘book’ in which you declared you were 18 years of age or over. Yes, it is laughable. But that’s how ‘easy’ we had it in those days 😉 ] and went in. Monique & Glynn came in when Chris’d gotten someone for fiona – david d!! Everyone was in Smithy’s [a quieter bar inside the nightclub] Mark, Steven, Cameron, Keith, Ben, Brett Hinds…. So many guys. Saw Sharon, being a bit of a snob. Sat down at the table. Monique, me, Fiona, Steven, Mark, Cameron, Chris, glynn, brett & ???Keith(??) Anyway I thought Mark liked Fiona – talked to her a lot … went outside – bought a jug of beer. We eventually followed … there ended up (mainly) me, fi, moni, mark, Cameron & brett. We had a drink & danced & sat. Was good, but I was really depressed to begin with…I really think he likes Fi. I was sad. Almost started crying when my song “True Blue” came on. [A perfect example of the depressive power of alcohol…] He was dancing with Sharon then (sort of similar to how we danced last time) He danced with me tho’ when Cam. went – we ended up only ones (from our group) on the floor!! But it was a stupid song. We sat… talked little – gave me a flower – I was collecting the ones cameron was throwing away. Finally, we caught a taxi. got home, monique & I, and mum & jules were up. [Okay, so… was mum shitty? I don’t understand. Maybe she DID know we were going out? If that’s the case – my mum ROCKED!!] Went to sleep. Got 4 hrs. did nothing, really Slept a lot. Cherie & Amanda came over. We didn’t go to the beach! Is about 8:40. Take 40 Australia. RELAX!!!!! sleep

Phonetics, Failing & Films (15-21 September)

Published on September 15, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 15/9/86

Did no HW (then again, all I had was english) But I had heaps of that – my 3 assignments. Mum’s getting cranky (“worried”) about my getting behind in assignment work. Boring day. Lotsa people away on Geography excursion. Found out through Mark F (what I thought I already knew) that Lynette C was with Mark at the dance (like Tricia (I think)) why can’t he fall hopelessly head over heels in love with me? [oh, the blindness!] Did chem prac with (Tanja &) Cameron today. Was funny. He’s nice! [Back in the good books again? Only a few weeks ago he was the biggest snob ever.] During 3rd period art, Sandie & I walked to A block & got food from Monique’s (& everyone else’s) exams. [Home Economics, I assume] Yukky mousse type stuff – yummy cream & strawberries tho & veggies; broccoli, beans & carrots (cold but yummy) then walked up town for our art workshop, during 4th period. Looked in Sportsgirl (& around) for togs – Monique tried on a few pairs…. workshop at 12:30. Got back to school just before 6th period. Whew! Watched video in english. Don’t think Mark’s going out with Nicole anymore

Tuesday 16/9/86

Mima & I restablished ‘relations’ thru phonetics notes to each other today..[Phonetics was a part of our Speech (& Drama) curriculum, dealing with the written (symbols) aspect of linguistics: helpful in mastering pronunciation. The note writing served a dual purpose: practice (study) and secrecy in that no one else would have easily understood the symbols.] lately, she’s had heapsa problems & hasn’t been talking much to me (her & Fi always together) Otherwise, I hurt around Mark: not believing he doesn’t like me. I always think how great it’d be if I could talk to him about love & explain (subtley) how much of a bastard (user) he is – why he should stop it . . ha ha ha – typical Taurus is stubborn; won’t listen to a word I say. [Phew! It’s good to know that I was intrinsically aware that lecturing would be a waste of time. It’s all a fantasy.] periods give me the shits. Didn’t ride. Had a mini test in Biology. I got 29/32!! Great huh?!! Am tired – is 10:25 Plan to spend as much of holidays on the beach (or in the sun) as possible wanna tan & blonder hair!! + I just love the beach!! [Yep, sun-worshipper I was. And I got that from my mum. Luckily I also got her olive skin. The coconut aroma of “Reef deep tanning oil” brings back memories. Nothing like a good old basting!] Schoolwork . . . blech! I’m still so behind in everything – am giving up … losing my will to carry things out.. Lacking initiative & interest in my work. Cos Mark – I wish so much with all my heart that he loved me with all his. [Oh. Dear.]

Wednesday 17/9/86

I’m not going to school tomorrow. I have my speech exam. I am going to fail it. I know just about nothing!! Wow!! But my exam is at 2:00 in the afternoon so I can study all morning. I have to. Mark doesn’t like me. I know this but I still get my hopes up now & then. Nicole this arvy as I was walking up to the bus stop smiled at me. I smiled back – I’ll bet she was being ‘snide’ or something [assumptions, assumptions…]…I smiled being (or more trying to look) friendly. Oh well. I’ll just have to wait till Mr Right comes along. Forgotten (almost completely) about Phillip. That’s not the one. [You didn’t even give it a chance, Elissa!] Oh, why me? Why did I miss my big chance? [Er… I think I missed it too?] I wish I could wind the clock back 2 terms. Everything would be ace. I think. [Uncertainty springing up from some well of ‘Knowledge’ or ‘Awareness’ existing deep, deep within?] Did no HW again. Am so slack its unbelievable. Is 9:00. Fi felt very ill today but stayed at school. Mima told me at speech that she rang Brent & he still loves her!! Now they just have to sort out Steven & Erica. Great huh? Mima’s probs are coming to an end… I’m sure. mine, well y’know . . I’m not elissa without (boy) problems!! [Not 12 months ago you didn’t have ANY boy problems. And THAT was a problem in its own right then. Wow, never satisfied?]

Thursday 18/9/86

Well, there’s no way I’d have passed unless the examiner is an easy marker or I fluked the answers. I may as well study for repeating the exam next April. I wrote out all (what I thought was all) the information I needed to learn – that took me all morning so I practically had to go straight after I’d finished it – no time to study it We left at about 1:20. (mima had come round at about 10:30) after the exam Mrs b picked us up – we went to gordonvale to seigi s’s place. Had to wait in the car. [No one was there yet] Renade came home, we went inside then Mrs S, then Polly & Seigi from their camp. Mrs S & Mrs B talked for ages. Finally we went home. I watched TV all night; didn’t do any english assignment(s) hope Mr G. doesn’t make me come in at lunchtime – I’m wagging it & 6th & 7th going to movies Fun tomorrow! [Last day of 3rd term of school] Hopefully!! Better go to sleep. Is 9:40. I’m still missing somebody.

Friday 19/9/86

I got on the bus & (it was empty) Fi was wearing shorts & shirt. At school mima was free-dressed too – so were a few other people – I felt really silly & didn’t think I’d get into the movies dressed as I was so Mima said I could ring polly & tell her to bring some shorts or something (cos she was coming late [to school] about (9:00) I went to art (skipped bio & double english) & Monique did too (so did lots of others) we finished our banners. . . Mrs p came and took her (& my) school bag & monique got a change of clothes. (I put on mima’s denim shorts which Polly dropped to mima who dropped them into me) then Monique & I walked uptown. Met the others in Mellick Centre. Saw TOP GUN at the movies. Is EXCELLENT. Tom Cruise the biggest hunk. After walked around. Went to duty free shop & drooled over the cheap items. Swatches only $34!!! [I can’t recall how much they actually cost in the retail stores back then but judging by the number of exclamation marks my guess is a fair bit more than $34] Mrs B dropped me home. . . Is 11:00 I need a new watch – Julia’s doesn’t keep time – gets too slow. Mark wasn’t at school & neither was Nicole. I’m fighting a losing battle. [What’s the war?]

Saturday 20/9/86

I did nothing – dad didn’t go to work cause he was moving into his new house. So I did nothing all day. Cherie rode over. I did some art-work – cleaned out my folios & some desk drawers. Watched some TV & listened to some music. Finally I packed to go to monique’s. Fi & mim had just gotten there when I did. We walked down & got 4 videos – 2 horror (yuk) & St Elmo’s Fire & European Vacation. We didn’t go out dammit. And Rebecca G didn’t come. We ate so much junk it’s not funny. Watched the videos & had swims in between them sometimes. Was hot. Got to sleep about 2:30. I think. Ate so much junk – hope I can shit it all out – don’t wanna get fat. [Hahaha, I remember thinking that a few times in my youth! That’s priceless: the supposition – hope! – that some things eaten might pass undetected through your digestive (and other) system(s). Ha!]

Sunday 21/9/86

Woke around 9:00. Had a swim. Finally (Mr & Mrs P cooked breakfast for us) we had brekky bacon & eggs. We spent the whole day by the pool. Tanning, dipping (to cool off) & of course, eating. Mr & Mrs P are so nice: they made us brekky & lunch & fussed about! (we listened to Beatles records meanwhile!!) [That’s right, I’d forgotten that Monique loved that era – the sixties.] Amanda M [a neighbour of Monique’s who happened to be a family friend of ours] saw me and came to the fence to say a quick hello. Mima got a phone call just after we’d hopped out (around 4:00(??)). Her mum was going to Sydney – her brother Duncan died last night. sad huh? So she went home soon. Then Fi & I went with mum. We’re going to town tomorrow. Fi, moni & I and we’ll meet mima at KAFFA – she’s working a full day there – cos’ Polly’s in Germany. Am so burnt – all got a little burnt – but I’m the reddest. I’ll have an early night tonight I think!! about 8:30.

Sweaty Armpits, More Photography & the Scary ‘Lost’ Drunk (18-24 August)

Published on August 18, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 18/8/86

Nothing else on my mind. I am really sad. Monique said today that Cameron, Him, Seigi S & Nicole C were walking past her place on Saturday night. (They were going to rock her roof, Cameron told her at rehearsals yesterday) Cameron is the biggest snob. He actually sat next to me today in Chem. but didn’t say much. And Mark . . oh! I could cry thinking about him. Why? I think he dropped Tricia today … they didn’t say goodbye to each other this arvy. I haven’t the courage to look at him. I think he hates me. He can’t. I don’t want him to… there must be more parties [like they are the answer to Everything?] (Angie’s next one . . when will it be? After the musical she said, today.) Fuckin’ sweaty I get in my armpits during the day – Dunno why but it’s bloody embarrassing. 9:13. Did no HW. Can’t get motivated. Oh, Mark…

Tuesday 19/8/86

Guess What? It happened. It was bound to. I got my periods tonight. And I have swimming tomorrow! Oh, why couldn’t they have come just one day later? SHIT. Alright day. Saw a bit more of Mark than I’ve ever seen this (or last) week. And, riding home, mima told me how she was talking to him about Tricia. He reckons they’re not “going out” just “hanging around”. And now they’re “fighting a lot lately, not getting on.” Tricia was stoned in art this arvy. Laughed a bit today, too! In fact, laughed quite a lot. Good tho’, maybe that’s all I can do (seeing as I can’t cry over Mark – tho I’ve tried to [you’ve TRIED to?]) I am really worried. Nicole, I see, is almost everywhere, hanging around near Mark. Also mima told me (cos Sharon was in a real mood today) how she was bitching about Mark liking me. “She would[n’t] leave us alone at Angie’s party – he had his arm around me.” 10:15 late: did some HW!!! Gotta do english especially love art at the moment. Hurry up and finish, musical, so Angie’s party can be on!

Wednesday 20/8/86

I didn’t swim, but I went. It was boring. Saw very little of Mark – all of the kids involved in the musical went after 4th period to get ready for their matinee showing. We’d just had art (Mark & Steven mustn’t have gone cos) we were on our way to biology (Donna & I) and Steven looked at me (cos I was looking at them) so I said “Good Luck!” Mark didn’t look at us, but was sort of smiling, looking ahead. Wowee. I made an attempt. But after swimming, when we rode back to “pick up” mima, I saw Mark at the far end of Croswell Hall (waiting to be picked up, I guess) & Nicole was there talking to him. But he was looking in our direction. I kept looking at him too. Wonder if he knew I was looking at him? Wonder if he was looking at me? Oh well. 9:30. Another late night. NO HW done. Sharon’s a bitch. . . she’s so two-faced. About Mark – I couldn’t believe that…….. Riding again tomorrow wo!!

Thursday 21/8/86

Alright. Looked at mark a fair bit, and he caught me, too. In biology, I kept looking at him, even when he’d glanced at me and after school, walking up to the bus stop with Fi [uh, so you didn’t ride to school after all?], I saw him riding off and he was looking at me and I kept looking at him. I hope he gets the message that I do like him. [Because guys are SO good at picking up on subtleties, Liss. And staring at someone all the time could ‘never’ be considered creepy, could it?!] Cause there’s a party after Grease this saturday & another one after Grease on the last Saturday night. And I want him to know I like him so he’ll talk to me & not avoid me. Cos Nicole will also be there. And she really likes Mark a lot. Monique said she’s ‘after him’. He’s being a flirt. Then, after Grease, there’s Angie’s party: 3 in a row! Let’s hope something develops!!! I want him. In art I heard Trish, Michelle, Astia & Neville talking. Trish was saying how the first 2-3 weeks were beautiful but now; ” Yes she was talking about him. Looks ‘over’ for them. BEWARE OF NICOLE C. She’s everywhere he is. 9:50. Didn’t ride today. Also did no HW! Bad periods – was lucky tho.

Friday 22/8/86

Mark, my dreamboat!!! Nothing really happened – Yes it did! At lunch time, I was sitting with Donna, Sandie, Moni, Chris & David and Cameron & Mark were hanging ’round … Judy came along with the camera. Cameron got hold of it and kept focussing on me; Judy pulled me away a little while later and said “I sprung (heard) Mark say to Cameron when he got the camera, ‘Get a photo of elissa, for me please.'” WO!! The rest of the lunch hour, they were all hanging round. It was great. But then after school, Nicole was around. Petra & Judy told me how she absolutely hangs off him in rehearsals etc and even dresses with him. BITCH. This party this Sat. night is gonna be ace!! There are 2; I’m going to both; mima, fi, megan, me, sharon, Liam & his friend are gonna be real hoods; drivin’ round in cars getting pissed!! [Yeah, great idea. I really hope the assumption was that the drivers were excluded from the intoxication] And Mark… wo! I can’t wait!!! 10:00. Mum’s at the pub with the Fishers. I am excited about tomorrow night. CAN NOT WAIT (for mark!!)

Saturday 23/8/86

Wendy F woke me at 1:30. “Mum’s sick and a bit upset…” She was drunk, totally off her face. they’d bought her home; she was sick. I said goodbye to them locked up & lay with her. Julia came in. And a drunk man appeared at the windows “Who the fuck are you?” [I spoke, Julia is more a ‘paralyzed-with-fear’ type of individual] “I’m lost” “Go away.” [We both remember this incident vividly: the Fear. Being ‘stalked’ (or, witnessing an adult male figure ‘casing’ your home) is terrifying, especially when your ‘protector’ (Mum) is completely unconscious…] Mum said it was probably Terry S – but wendy said this morning he was driven home. [The thing is, he lived in the very near vicinity so could easily have walked back to our house after being dropped off. Despite being ‘blotto’ I can’t see a reason for Mum to randomly name a male neighbour with whom she never appeared to have had anything to do with in the past.] It was really scary. Today I did my HW, and got really hyped up about tonight Finally I started to get ready (I’d made so many phone calls during the day) We went with Fi. IT [the musical] WAS EXCELLENT.

All were bloody fantastic (mark spunky – Julia & Cherie reckon he was looking at me all the time) while dancing. After saw him in dressing room But that was it. He didn’t go to the party. We went to Benji’s, but was boring so we (Megan, Moni, Sharon, Mima, Fi & me) walked to Mik’s at Stratford. It was fucking boring. Sharon & I left at 2:30. Fi & Moni didn’t stay at my place. Mark why didn’t you go? Bugar. Mima told me that on Fri nite she asked M “who do you like?” “Don’t know, Why?” “I’m doing some spying for a friend” “Who?” “elissa” “she doesn’t like me does she?” “I don’t know about that” “Really?” He really thought I didn’t like him after all.

Sunday 24/8/86

Woke at 8:30. Am so tired. Sharon left around 11:00, then mima rode over. We talked and everything and laughed with Cherie, Julia and Petra. Did ‘nothing’. Went to the shop. Bought junk while mum bought hot chips for lunch. PIGGED OUT SEVERELY. Mima left later; She was so tired. We lazed around talking, reading. Then watched TV, dropped Petra & Cherie home. Now it’s 7:10. I’m gonna have my shower & go to bed. Take 40’s on, pity I’ll miss it… too tired. Did not even start one english assignment SHIT. That party was so boring most people left; went home or to Crocodile Rock. Everyone was smoking except me No drink there. Oh Mark, I want you. Mima & Petra telling me how she Nicole flashes all over the place when she’s changing in front of him (they reckon Cameron looks away & Mark gets embarrassed) Mima’s back with Brent. too she told me today he didn’t come cos he had baseball finals today. I’m friggin’ tired. Next week will be excellent. Seeing Mark at school and mima’s & moni’s birthdays & Grease final & the party.

Rec Swimming, Impersonation & Great Grandma’s Fall (28 July-3 August)

Published on July 28, 2014 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 28/7/86

My allergies are comin’ again. My nostrils get blocked & run etc. (It’s not a cold cos I always get a sore throat before the blocked nose…etc) It seems, too, that lotsa other people have it as well ie: there are quite a few others who are having ‘troubles’ besides me..!!!! Also, I have decided that mark shall be only my friend. This is his 3rd week with Tricia. Either he doesn’t like me, or the poor guy doesn’t know when to stop. [hilarious] He’s really stuffing up his chance with me… (yes, I am hurt. Very.) But I can learn to cope with it. After all, I still want to be his friend & (I hope) he’ll want to be mine. Bio test tomorrow. Ungh! Also got new maths teacher (forgot his name) but he’s better than Mr Burger (I think) Poor Mark. I don’t know why, but I feel sorry for him! Comm. Games. Ha! Aust coming tie 2nd with no. of gold medals – 15. Eng 17, Canada 17. We’re going downhill now 9:35

Tuesday 29/7/86

Great Grandma is dying. Mum got a phone call tonight. She had a fall (ie: fell over) and her health is decreasing rapidly. Mum doesn’t know whether to tell Nana or not; she will have to, though. Sad, huh? (Poor Julia – really sentimental – crying) [I probably should have used the word ‘sensitive’ because we really didn’t have enough contact with our great grandmother to be ‘sentimental’ about her. Actually, this has surprised me altogether: I thought my great grandmother had passed many years before this.] My blocked sinuses are giving me the shits. And Mark? Well, I’m finding it a bit easier to go without seeing him. (I still like to sometimes, though) And thinking more about him, I wondered how it would ever have worked; him one of the most popular guys in Yr 11, and me. It’s unthinkable. Not to mention, his looks compared to mine (ie: he’s much more attractive than me) [Blaring lack of self worth there, ya think?] Y’know what I mean …. Judy thinks (said this arvy) Tricia really wants Mark, really likes him, but he doesn’t like her much. Haven’t done any HW tonight. Will hafta (esp. maths) do in the morning. Too tired to watch Comm. Games tonite. 9:55

Wednesday 30/7/86

My cold’s shitting me off. [Ok, so it IS a cold now?] Today, mima & Umico (or however you spell it) [Japanese exchange student that Jemima’s family were hosting] went with all the other Japanese billets & their hosts on tour on the Tablelands. They had fun!! Meanwhile: we were bored. Short lessons, & after big lunch (fi, sharon & I went to town to try and get Fi’s keycard) had to choose recreational sport. Sharon, Donna & Sandie did photography. Astia, me & Fi did rec. swimming. Little did I know (until we got there) that so did Jarrod B, Peter P, Nick R, Patrick O’S, Terry C, Tricia & …Mark. SHAME. If I could’ve; I would’ve swapped (but there was nothing else to do, really) SHIT. Oh well. Also when mime came back, she talked to Terry & Nick while waiting for the bus. Nick likes me, wants me to choose between him and P.P. YUK. Just been to Trinity Bay’s school play, ‘Westside Story’ – PATHETIC!! CHS ‘Grease’ flog that!! [Clearly I was fiercely loyal to my school.] Mark wasn’t there thank god. Lotsa others were tho’! Is 11:10 (Really cold!)

Thursday 31/7/86

Lucy’s birthday and I didn’t do anything for it. Umah! Pretty boring day. (Biology exam was fairly hard; I didn’t do too well) Art was good; have gotten started with my banner & I think it’ll work well!!! And at big lunch we sat in our area; Justine, Marge & Heather & Linda sang soft songs. I almost fell asleep. It was beautiful!!! And, well, I seemed to see a bit more of Mark. I think. But if he was in a position where he could see me, I would deliberately move; hope he gets the message. [Um, yeah. Because guys are that ‘aware’ in general. Pffft!] I don’t want to do recreational swimming. It’ll be stupid & boring. [….and painful having to watch the couple be together…] Why aren’t there more people Fi & I know who are doing it?? (who can do it) Oh, woe is me. Getting sick of watching Comm. Games all the time – only watch the highlights now & then. Is about 9:07. having an early-ish night. Will probably have another boring weekend. Woe is me. [I tend to like this little phrase, don’t I?]

Friday 1/8/86

It’s 12:15. Don’t ask me why I’m still awake… I don’t know. I’m watching the Commonwealth Games and time has flown! I rang Justine this arvy (mum couldn’t get me a hair appointment this arvy – Monday will have to do) and around 6:30 (6:45) we picked her up & we went late nite. Town was empty. Looked around – didn’t find much to my liking.. some was but I still had doubts. Nevertheless, I came home with a pair of white stockings & a black kohl pencil. Today was rather boring. Spent all lunch hour in art. My banner is stuffed. Don’t give a shit. About Mark, either. Mr G thinks I could be another Max Gillies if I applied myself. [Max Gillies is an Australian comic actor, celebrated for his ability to impersonate primarily Australian politicians. He was best known for his ABC television programme, ‘The Gillies Report’. One of my most vivid memories was of Mr G.’s expression when I first recited the part of Juno in ‘Juno & the Paycock’ in our class reading of the play. I was secretly chuffed that he tended to give me lead character roles in almost everything we read from thereon in.] He really can’t believe ‘how good I am at accents’ etc. Thinks I could be a great impersonator. Ha. Ha. Boy I am tired. But I’m going to Earlville tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll be successful there ie: find a great shirt for the dance

Saturday 2/8/86

While All I bought last night was the stockings and eyeliner, [today] I spent about $47 . . . two blouses – a white long sleeved shirt (the one from Jack is too see-thru) Love it!! And also a black & white striped long sleeve shirt – a bit small around sleeve length – and sleeve (wrist) buttons tight but great as well!! And also some black mascara (thick; really great!) Back at home, I messed around; Did nothing in particular; a bit of (very little bit of) HW; dancing; listning to music; little TV; watching My Fair Lady on TV now. Am tired. Julia & mum are in bed; just Geoff & me watching TV. With my new shirts, I actually still don’t know what to wear to the dance; the problem this time being that I have so many combinations with my new clothes that I don’t know what to wear!!! [Oh my, too many options!] 10:30 already; at least 1½ hrs of the movie left yet. Oh I’m tired. Sleep in tomorrow. Haircut monday – can’t wait.

Sunday 3/8/86

Another wasted day. I read my book for speech, tho. Only have 3 chapters left. Also tried my english assignment. Got almost on half of a foolscap done, [back in the day, before computers, we wrote our assignments by hand, on paper. A ‘foolscap’ was a standard paper size. I’m fairly sure you can still find foolscap paper & pads at stationery stores] but I wasn’t happy with it so scrapped it. I’m just not in the mood; I have the ideas; too many ideas cos I want to put them all on paper, then it sounds stupid so I have to start again. [Ah, this. THIS is what I still struggle with today. It’s my major block to writing: too many thoughts leading me off-track. It’s a HUGE contributor to Procrastination. Lack of concentrated thought/ideas + perfectionism = a recipe for ‘disaster’ in the ‘achievement’ stakes] So I’ll have to wake early tomorrow & do it. Otherwise I ate. I am bloody ashamed at the amount, too. Hope I’m not going to grow again. Tall enough. Oh well… this’ll be the 4th week Mark’s been with Trish. I’ll have to shut off now, for sure. It’s gonna be bloody hard. Sometimes he smiles like in Bio, someone talking to/ teasing me. He still likes me, at least a bit, that’s for sure. But.. I can’t hold on. I’m so hurt already. what would it be like later?? 8:45

Bugs, Broken Bones, Bitching & the Commonwealth Games (21-27 July)

Published on July 21, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 21/7/86

Oh! It’s (almost) 9:15 and I’ve just done about ¾ page of my english assignment. I must get a move on (it’s obvious I won’t get it done for tomorrow, even though it was due today.) We’re riding tomorrow, too!! Goody! I love riding. Boring day, really. Almost fell asleep in doub. chem. almost fell asleep in trip. art and almost fell asleep in maths (Nah! I was laughing in maths) Cameron’s so nice. I’m really, really truly glad he is my great friend. Did no other HW tonight (am getting way behind in maths; I just don’t understand it.) Lotsa bugs around [we didn’t have flyscreens on our windows or doors: louvres are hard to fit and french doors lose their charm if you try to fix screen doors to them. Plus, we probably couldn’t afford them] and … it’s quite warm tonight (hold it, I’ll open some windows, I think!!) Believe it or not Trish said hello to me today. Why she being so nice?? [why not?] mima was away – got a wog. [While in Australian slang the word ‘wog’ is a derogatory term for generally southern Europeans, it is also used to describe illness, like she got a ‘bug’] don’t really feel like saying I love mark cos do I??

Tuesday 22/7/86

I laughed a lot today. In Bio, Chris (K) was telling Donna & I all about Cameron’s accidents… he is so accident-prone! Broken bones, cuts & abrasions… car accidents you name it; he’s had it!! And laughing in maths, too!! Funneeee!! I really don’t think I love Mark. I look at him (when I can) but I think that’s all it is – I just think he’s gorgeous. I mean, I don’t feel for him I suppose my feelings could change if ‘something’ happened (when?) I could get properly interested in him, but at the moment, I’m not. Brent was teasing me about it in front of a whole lot of people at lunch time today. Did little HW today but I’m stayin home tomorrow!! Sports Carnival is on (mima & fi are too) I’ve got heaps HW to do → esp. speech. mima told me this morning when we were riding to school that our speech exam has been put forward. We now have 3 weeks to go. SHIT!!

Wednesday 23/7/86

Boy am I tired!! “Mistral’s daughter” finished about 11:30 I slept in though! (I stayed home!!) At speech, mima said she’d tried to ring me but the answering machine was on. I was home, too. Oh well!! (I am very far behind in speech. Didn’t get any done today – I was doing my english. Come to think of it, I got very little of that done too!! – But I did a lot more tonight.) I still have maths to catch up on. Oh woe is me. wedding (Royal one) [Prince Andrew getting hitched to Sarah Ferguson] was on. Watched parts of it while I did my english. Am bloody tired. Could not get my eyes open all this morning!! Took me about 3 or 4 hours to wake up!! Bloody bugs all over the place. Is 11:15. Another late night (SHIT)

Thursday 24/7/86

I’ve come to a definite conclusion. I don’t ‘like’ Mark anymore. Sure, he’s still the most gorgeous hunk, but I don’t really care what happens to him. I mean, he could have made an attempt (he has in the past) but he’s too shy (I’m really one to speak, huh??!!) To begin with, if he likes me so much, why fuck Tricia? [1. He’s attracted to her] And even if he did go with her after it to make her feel ‘respectable’, why has it been 2 weeks? Why didn’t he drop her after 1?? [Clearly it’s not just ‘obligation’] He’s stupid. Does he really think I’d like him after he did that? What a dickhead. [Oh the Green Monster.. it’s ugly isn’t it?] Anyway, I got my assignment (english) done but didn’t hand it in. Will tomorrow. Bio exam tomorrow, 1st period. Cheat!!! [Cheat? That’s not like me!] Is 9:40. Will I get to sleep early tonite??? Rode again today. I love it!!

Friday 25/7/86

I am so tired (watching Commonwealth Games at the moment) Ate a big dinner. Err…!!! In Biol, (we didn’t have our exam as Mr Short was away) our relief teacher gave us all these logic (etc) problems. Was fun. At the end we were doing anagrams, & I got one right, and Duane (Dwain!!) said something to embarrass me (it worked) – (all the guys were sitting near, too!) Donna reckons “guess who was looking at you and smiling?” I said, “I don’t care”, but I had the biggest smile on my face!! Otherwise, a boring day. Nothing fantastic happened at all. The news is on now. I think I’ll go to bed now. I am tired. Not working tomorrow. Don’t feel like it. Lucy’s birthday in 4 days. What’ll I do for her?? Ring her?? Or send something?? I wish, wish, wish Mark cared about me so much that… that he wouldn’t hurt me so. [haha, so fickle! Thought you didn’t care?!] 9:35

Saturday 26/7/86

I did very little of everything today; except eat. I pigged out so ‘severely’! And I wonder why I’m fat (or at least, bulgy) Oh well! Watched TV, did bitta HW (have left maths & english for tomorrow) Am tired – Is 10:10 Comm. Wealth Games are on (Australia leading in medal tally so far!! 6 gold!!! Yay!!!) Dunno if I’ll go to bed yet, or not… I’m tired but I can sleep in (or can I?? I didn’t this morning) Wish things were like they were before. Before I found out Mark liked me; before Sharon knew I liked him. Now, it’s useless. We both know & are both too shy. It’s not fair. Not fair. Oh well…. life MUST go on. 10:20 now. Oh. (winge, whine) why does Mark have to be such a jerk?????????????? [Oh my GOD… never satisfied!]

Sunday 27/7/86

Ha Ha Ha. What a bludge. Yes, you guessed it; I did next to nothing constructive except PIG OUT yet again. I can’t believe how much I eat. Went to visit Nana again (we went Friday night, too→ she’s in hospital again – she stopped taking all her tablets cos they were making her sick and got a bad [rheumatoid] arthritis attack again. Poor nin) [‘Nin’ was a nickname we had for our Nana] Boring! Watched Comm. Games ‘Hi lives’ again this morning & are watching live now. Aust has won 5/10 possible golds in swimming so far. Excellent huh?!!! Want a reasonably early night. Is 9:30 now. Probly get to bed around 10:00. Am a bit hot, too. Did only a bit of maths HW today. Thank god for school!! (Started to worry today, again, about my future after school→ it really frightens me. About Mark; well, I just wish it could be different. It won’t work.

Creativity Block & the Loss of a Sibling (2-8 June)

Published on June 2, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 2/6/86

And BIOLOGY? Well…. I don’t think so at all. The Questions were totally alien to me. I attempted all except 5. (parts of Q’s) Ha! Whadda flop. And I wasted this afternoon too. Caught the 12:00 bus & went to Jemima’s where I watched videos. Bludge waste. SHIT I am stupid. [No, just one helluva Procrastinator] And I’ve got my damn maths I [that’s Maths “1”] exam the day after tomorrow. Holy Hell. I am so tired. Will be absolutely ELATED when my exams are over (saw Mark today – 1st time in 3 days) Got a letter from Lucy (again) She must be really excited – I’ve received so many lately!! God I hate exams. 5 to 10 another late night. I’m gonna flop. OH SHIT. Caught the town bus in later this morning. Wonder if the others are gonna do it again tomorrow?? My art hasn’t been done yet either & I won’t get it done either Poop Damn Shit. I’m all fucked up.

Tuesday 3/6/86

English was fairly good, as was art but my biology prac. exam … Ha Ha Ha What a laugh (actually it’s not really) I am so stupid. I must have no brains. This will teach me. [Really? You really think so?] Next time I will (must) be prepared. Did a bit of maths tonight but I had to stop – I can’t believe how dumb I am. I can barely do any of it. [Comprehension issues. Can’t recall whether we were into Trigonometry at this stage or not. I didn’t mind Algebra so much but Trig …nuh. Never got it.] Stuffed. Boy will I be glad when tomorrow is over with. But then there’s the last week: getting my marks back. OH NO! (I’m thinking of working on Thursday & Friday as well as Saturday – I want to buy a new shirt or something for the dance next wednesday) Also that art problem is due Friday!! I was so worried→ everyone else had done theirs – I hadn’t. 9:37. Am gone wake earlier than the birds and work like hell.

Wednesday 4/6/86

NO MORE EXAMS! was all I could think about after my maths exam. Who gives a hoot if I failed? Most people did too so Ha! Went to mima’s again after – watched a movie, then went to the shop before speech. Pity. I won’t see Mark for a long time now – 5 days: and then after those 4 school days, for another fortnight or so. BOO HOO. Stuffed maths something severe. But everyone I asked (except Brent) left at least (Cameron McK) 5 Q’s blank – I left about 15 I think Ha Ha SHIT. Oh I’ll miss Mark. Just finished watching Lace II was pretty good! Still, I think I preferred Lace I. Is 10:30 and I can sleep in tomorrow YAY!!

Thursday 5/6/86

Well. Today was a bit of a big waste of time. I woke around 7:15, got a letter from Lucy, replied it & mum sent that. I spent the whole day at home. S’posed to do my art. But I couldn’t. It wasn’t that I wasn’t interested; I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t know what to do at all. [Equivalent to Writer’s Block… is there a phrase for Artists’ lack of inspiration?] And I ate a lot. But I didn’t watch any TV till about 5:30. In fact I was quite bloody board. And amazingly enough, I thought about Mark one hell of a lot today more than I have before. Also read up on his starsign again. Still think we’d be a great pair→ but there are a few disagreeable things→ e.g. he’s s’posed to be STUBBORN. 9:41. And I feel an idiot. Can’t wait till this boring weekend finishes. [5days]

Friday 6/6/86

EAT. That’s practically all I did today too. Didn’t get my art in either. SHIT. Hafta see if she’ll take it on Tuesday. I had started at around 1:30 finally on a good copy (and it looks good so far) but when mum came at 2:30 to take me to school (to hand it in) I had not done anymore on it coz I was stuck. Now I still don’t know what to do. Poop. Anyway. I ate heaps in fact I’m totally disgusted with myself. Also Mark (& Cameron) would’ve left today for baseball in Mackay. Good LUCK! Not one day goes by when I don’t think of Mark. [It’s kind of interesting how all this stuff makes me vomit just a little in my mouth now. It’s not that I’m “hard as nails” now but I’m sure I’m not as ‘soggy’ as I was then.] 11:05. I am tired – movie was funny (kind of) Didn’t watch any TV again tho’ in the day. raining & windy still. I don’t mind→ at least it’s cold!!

Saturday 7/6/86

Boy am I tired. Went out tonight→ to Pizza Hut for tea, then to see “Crocodile Dundee” which, by the way, happens to be the best, funniest most entertaining movie out. I laughed my guts out!! Anyway we got home at 9:30 (early showing – no support movie or shorts) Is now 10:27 and I am stuffed. Today I ate again. Don’t know what’s come over me. Usually I have a ‘fair’ appetite but now I’m “glutton-ish”; eat everything in sight (practically) But I’m so tired. Went to town this morning. Julia spent her birthday money new shoes, beautiful knit jumper & small accessories. Lucky devil. I’d love to have spent $100 there (Sportsgirl) this morning. Pooped! Nite!

Sunday 8/6/86

I woke at 5:00 to mum’s cries of help. The light was on and in the laundry blood covered the floor. Mum was on the toilet. She was MISCARRYING. That was 5:00. By 7:00, she (had finally decided to go to hospital cos she was feeling weak) was in hospital. [Oh my god, the way that’s written it sounds as if she might have driven herself? No mention of an ambulance nor of someone else (Geoff?) taking her… and I can’t remember either. Driving herself would’ve been a huge risk if she was so weak. But mum being as independent as she was, nothing would surprise me.] Julia & I stayed home tidied up the remaining ‘mess’ fixed the house then amused ourselves till about 1:30, when Geoff came & took us to the hospital. Mum looks weak & ill, but she said she was fine but absolutely STARVED. (she was on a drip.) And she had to stay tonight because one surgeon in the whole hospital was there & so didn’t do it today. That’s pathetic. In a hospital that size there should be more than 1 surgeon. Geoff’s staying over (Had fish’n chips for tea) to mind us. Been one heck of a busy day. Only got 6hrs last nite. Lemme sleep now!! 8:35

Popularity, Pottery & the Technicoloured Dreamcoat (19-25 May)

Published on May 19, 2014 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 19/5/86

Yet, there is hope. In maths, Chris K reckoned that he knows about 15 guys who like me (& Ben P. knows another 4) all his friends. Chris reckons I’m the most popular girl now. (On the bio excursion “all the guys were coming upstream just to see me.”) Guys say “Have you seen that Elissa? She’s beautiful…” Skint. [Ok, not to belittle myself, but….seriously? Even with hindsight, I’m unsure of this guy’s motivation. I think ‘story-teller’ Chris was being relatively truthful, but… why bother telling me all of this? To put me on the spot. I have a feeling that my bashfulness and modesty was so overt that it was worth the effort to make me uncomfortable, for sheer entertainment purposes.] And also, ‘everyone’ (at least, Sharon, Fi & Mima) has organised a surprise for me at Angela M’s next party. Cos its in June (holidays) I think it’d either be to do with my birthday or what Chris was saying in maths. (Hope not the latter.) But it feels kinda good to be “popular”. [Ego!] I don’t quite believe it actually. I thought he really was bullshitting. [Hmmm, yeah, go with your Gut] 9:30. Talked to Cameron (back seat) of bus today. Pretty good day. Enjoyed it. Am so tired now. Riding 2morrow. Did no HW. Umah.

Tuesday 20/5/86

Ratshit day. Found out the surprise was a surprise party for me! Ha! [Weird, my birthday is in JULY…?] Now they won’t have it!! Also Alan C told me that Peter P likes me (I knew anyway) YUK. And then ‘everyone’ found out. And wouldn’t shut up about it. I HATE HIM SO MUCH. [Well that’s hardly fair is it? “Hating” someone you don’t know at all because you don’t happen to be attracted to him? Is it because of the unwanted attention drawn to you as a result? I think so.] I wish Mark liked me (I have a feeling he’s not one of the 19 who like me) I know 3 of them now; Dwain, Peter & Greg K (??) not sure about him. But Chris told me about him. Rode today too. MARK’S BIRTHDAY♥♥ Never to forget. Fi’s birthday Thurs. what’ll I get her?? 8:42 Early night for once?? He is the cutest (Mark that is) oh, love him, love him love him love him him ♥ mark for me!! [Oh PUR-LEEEEEASE…]

Wednesday 21/5/86

I’m ready for the cold!! Tonite’s min. is expected 13ºC!!! Was cool all day today too!! Didn’t have to do fabric painting today- had a go on the pottery wheels until Megan & this other girl started smoking [IN the classroom…]. Mr Pugh came in & told everyone to stop & pack up. [No doubt he’d’ve smelt it from another room] Megan & Joanne owned up much too late. So we did nothing for the rest of the time. Couldn’t get Fi a present, so went to speech, then bought a cake from Freshy & am gonna take it (all iced up) tomorrow, then I’ll give her a prezzy after school (when I go into town & get it) Cake is choc. covered in pink icing saying “EAT ME! Fiona” With yellow & green & orange squiggles. Really cute!! and yummy I’ll bet!!! Dunno what to get for a present!

Thursday 22/5/86

FI’S BIRTHDAY Oh, I wish Mark was having a party. I feel like partying this weekend. Oh well… ate Fi’s cake within 3 minutes this morning (“everyone” pigged out!) Gave her a “toblerone” & swatchguard tonight at Smithfield’s concert musical “Technicoloured Dream Coat.” (Was alright for a first; glad I go to CHS; smithfield “friends” are biggest snobs out – melissa b, natalie w, ian c, kel b & shane s) Erica & Adrienne were excellent in their dancing parts!! Laughed so much at their mistakes! (not Erica & Adrienne’s… the actors!!) Today, also, Ms Marsland talked to me about yesterday afternoon & about how Ms Black & Mr Pugh were a bit cheesed off. Suggested I apologise. Told mima & Fi too. They went together. I had to do mine alone. [I’m not sure why we had to apologise when we weren’t the offenders… unless it was because we failed to ‘out’ the smokers, which could have been read by the teachers as an act of ‘solidarity’? Beats me.] 10:07 by Mickey Mouse watch (my digital one’s stuffed→ battery’s flat or something.)

Friday 23/5/86

Just watched Flying High. God it was funny! Really boring day today. In fact probably the most boring day I’ve ever spent at Cairns High. 10:42 (my watch is fixed→ the new battery cost $9) Jeez I am tired. My eyes were really straining to stay open during the movie. Have to do a lot of HW this weekend; english, chemistry especially. Mark is yum, yum. Oh I wish more than anything in the world (??) that he was crazy about me; totally flipped over me. I like him so much. [I so want to scream at my younger self: “You don’t even KNOW him!”] Theatre Night on Saturday night (theatre kids perform) Hope he goes (cos’ I think I am) I’d love it – not that I think anything’d happen – never does. OH I WISH….. Night, Night!

Saturday 24/5/86

“Flashdance” just finished – it’s 11:21 – I am tired – and have a full day of HW & study ahead of me. Exams start this Friday – Chemistry on Friday for me (PES for YKW) Worked all day (well, 10:15 till 6:00) on labels (worth $31 – but got only $30) [Love how my Dad decides on a whim that he’ll change the pay rate or under-pay me whenever he feels like it.] Boring. Rushed home at 6:45 got ready & went to theatre night at CHS. Mark wasn’t there. In fact, barely anyone was. (‘Twas quite boring actually) Eyes are sore. Gosh I’d love another party (wished Mark’d have one for his birthday – maybe he did & I wasn’t invited) OH I AM TIRED. Boring. Absolutely Nothing exciting happened today. (My teeth are getting a (slight) gap between them again) OH NO. Mark 4 me! (Got a new desk 2day, too)

Sunday 25/5/86

Wanted to do lots of HW & study today. Ended up spending ‘whole’ day on my english assignment & even then, didn’t finish it. Ratshit. Wanted to get quotes for english & do all my chemistry HW, revision sheets (as well as maths). Mucked around a bit too. Oh shit. Is 10:07. Watching the Black Stallion on TV. (Hopefully) will finish soon. Am bugared. Chemistry exam this FRIDAY. Shit, I’m gonna fail, severely. Oh what am I gonna do?? [It’s called study, and being Sunday, you still have 4 days left in which to do some. SUCH a Worry Wart!] Ate a fair bit today – 4 fish fillets, cereal, mandarin sultanas, 3 biscuits, bowl of chips & 2 pieces toast. Howz that? (Sickening) God I’m tired. And a bit worried too. What the hell’ll I do about Chemistry? (And English? And maths) Aaaarg!! [Say no more!]

An Injured Workman & a Prank Call (28 April-4 May)

Published on April 28, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 28/4/86

Un-boring day today. In art, Rebecca G and I were painting in Mr Pugh’s art room and we heard an almighty crash. Thinking it was the workmen dropping wood or something, it didn’t bother us until Becca looked at [At? Possibly I meant to say “looked OUT AND”?] saw a guy land on the ground. I turned round. He was cringing (like he’d broken his arm) but then he moved his head and blood spurted out his neck. [Oh I remember this now!] I almost knocked myself out while running to get Ms Marsland (forgetting the glass door) Poor guy fell through a “roof” but only received a cut on his neck – no major injuries. Also Ms Marsland was videoing us. We watched in it 5th period. Funny! Not much of me 9:36. I wonder exactly when Mark’s birthday is. I know he’s a Taurus…. riding tomorrow. Am warm (hot)

Tuesday 29/4/86

Today was a good day. Nothing ‘special’ happened – It was just quite cheerful. We rode (mima, Fi & I) and were boiling. Went to area & had to pass Mark & Steven Shame! Hot, red faces, wet hair!! Anyway, in art we got some new work – really hard. Like philosophical “HEAVY” I can’t explain on this paper; I’d need a whole book practically, to put words into meaning (or vice versa) I’m hot … I’ve chucked my winter PJ’s – I was too hot. I put on a summer one. Was really hot & hard riding!! Did a fair bit of HW tonight – felt good about it. Also have ideas as to how I’ll do this (very hard) reading assignment for English 9:03. And I’m not too tired. Ate a lot this arvy. Got a head ache too. Wow!!

Wednesday 30/4/86

I am HOT. I can’t believe this is meant to be ~~summer~~ autumn, I mean! FOOTSTEPS TO FAME [our school ‘talent quest’] was…UNREAL! It was so funny. Mark was there. But he looked like he was looking for someone all the time (perhaps Angie?..) →but he wasn’t with her. Not me, of course. Never me. [Oh, cry me a river..] It’s 10:20 according to my Mickey Mouse watch. Riding again tomorrow (apparently) Oh, how I wish… I did no HW … almost forgot speech again (it’s on at 4:30 now) I HATE WEDNESDAYS They are so boring. Everyone leaves for sport and/or recreation. Shits me off (cos Mark goes too) Megan talked to me today. Quite a bit. Change, huh? BORWING, BORWING, BORWING. I HATE HATE HATE WEDNESDAYS.

Thursday 1/5/86

Today was a pretty good day (sat in the back seat on the way home today: fun!! Gammon) [Gammon: local slang for “as if!”] Anyway, all my subjects were fun (if not, they were interesting anyway) And there was always Mark to drool over. It’s incredible… I can’t really use words to describe him… I just wish I could become good friends with him. Then I’d be a bit happier (than I already am!) [Oh here’s a wonderful example of one of the basic failings of human beings – believing Happiness is the result of external circumstances, when it’s completely & solely controlled by the individual. But this is obviously a lesson to be learned in life…] Got our bathroom mirror yesterday arvy and was put up today. Looks unreal!! I have no idea what to wear tomorrow. [It was a ‘free dress’ day – a break from the monotony of uniforms] Shorts – but what ones?? 9:50. I’ll hafta wake early so I can decide!! Now I’m stuck for words…!! Everyone is being so nice to me lately. I mean really friendly I’m happy about that

Friday 2/5/86

I felt a bit of a dag, wearing my dotty shorts and Julia’s roomy, old, full-of-holes blue T-shirt and my sandshoes. But I didn’t worry about it too much. Got all my maths HW out of the way. Have only Chem. & Eng. left (no Bio HW) Still am not sure what’s happening about Green Island. Don’t think any guys will turn up: I’m not counting on it. Not getting hopes up. Mark was half-free dressed so were most of the guys, anyway. I am tired – just watched the movie – it’s 11:25. Sleep in tomorrow! Am so tired. Am feeling a little better lately i.e.: more ‘accepted’ by every(most)one Dunno exactly what’s to happen this weekend!! TYRED eyes!

Saturday 3/5/86

Running from the photographer (my sister) in one of the 'fashions' I'd made from the piece of material — Running from the photographer (my sister) in one of the ‘fashions’ I’d made from the piece of material

Boring! I knew I should have attempted to do my chemistry HW and my english assignment but I couldn’t get motivated. Instead, I read May “Dolly” my book “The dark Quartet” and ….and (?) …and …ate!! And listened to the radio and ate and ate. I ate too much I think. I also watched a bit of TV. And I made “fashions” out of an old (large) bit of fabric (togas) Some of them looked really great, especially with brooches and (my) make up. [My sister played at this with me and got a hold of my camera (see photo) to take ‘modelling shots’!] Anyhow, Sharon rang and she’s coming round late tomorrow arvy (she’s gotta work) Apparently, “lotsa people are going.” And I forgot to ring mima & fiona. Dammit. Remember in the morning. Is 12:30. Yes. I played Trivial Pursuit & got bored & tired. And now have had a late night. SHIT.

[On this day, in the ‘Notes’ section at the back of my diary I’d lamented:] Wish someone’d have another party. I’m longing for one!

Sunday 4/5/86

I got an obscene call today. Nah – it was just a prank call. A guy (I thought it really was someone I knew at first) told me to guess who he was saying “you remember me and you and that room”…. I said “Sorry! .. Bye!” And hung up. It frightened me after a bit – I have a feeling it might be someone I know. Today I wasted another day: did absolutely nothing useful. Sharon came around 6:00 Talked. She’s in the shower now – I’m hurrying to write this before she gets out so I can hide it – she saw it & wants (I’m sure) to read it. [To my knowledge, there were very few people who actually went to any lengths to read my diaries. I was amazed my mother and sister were never the slightest bit interested in snooping.] It’s 9:15 now – we’ll probably have a late night. Am taking Joannah & Fi tomorrow. WOW!! Weather just said will be rainy 2 morrow – Please be wrong!! Have told Sharon a lot of secrets tonight (esp. about Mark)

A ‘Fantastic’ New Shirt & a Horror Flick (21-27 April)

Published on April 21, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 21/4/86

Jemima said a quick ‘Hi’ and said nothing till 3:20 after school. Fiona said ‘Oh, I didn’t see you’ after 2nd period. They weren’t on the bus. But she’d seen me before during the morning. They really piss me off. They did a lot of talking and hanging around each other. [This stems from jealousy, which stems from loneliness. I always felt like a ‘third wheel’, never having a ‘best friend’ of my own.] I spent before school & lunch time in the library with Sharon and Donna respectively. My photo was in the paper for CAD today. [The one from last week’s blog] It was a fairly good one too. Julia thinks I’m one of the prettiest there. (I wish) [My sister often told me how pretty I was, ‘compared to others’. I never ‘valued’ her opinion – assuming she was just saying it because it was her duty as an immediate family member. It also speaks of my lack of Self Worth… or Self Belief.] I am so tired. I don’t think I’ll bother about writing about Mark anymore. I’m wasting my time liking him. He doesn’t like me & never will so why don’t I just stop dreaming?? 9:33 That Kuranda party was a once in a lifetime event. ie: it was a dream. Will never happen again [I’m really in a particular frame of mind at this point in time, huh? Pessimism certainly has the reigns here now.]

Tuesday 22/4/86

Double bio was in lab. I really don’t think mark likes me anymore. [Biology was the only class I had in common with him] Pity. (But I always say that) Jemima went home sick after lunch today. Amanda (C) said she was white as a ghost. Bad, huh? Well, I spent before school and big lunch in the library again: this time helping Sharon. We did a big rush job for her english but it was fairly good. [I’ve only just realised that I was actually doing something that only happens in American teen flicks: doing someone’s homework for them. Well, “helping”. But not getting paid…] And her maths was quite a waste of time. (I spent most of the time talking to Maureen) I HATE Peter P. Everywhere I go practically he’s there. It SHITS ME OFF. [Apparently he was ‘attracted’ to me, but the feeling was (obviously strongly) unrequited.] Boring. Sharon has “organised” for “everyone” to go to Green Island on Anzac Day Holiday. Big rage. Guess who I’m wishin will come. But I’m not hoping cos he probly won’t. It’s 8:44. I want to get lots of sleep. I bin so tired lately.

Wednesday 23/4/86

It was inevitable. It had to happen. Mark F knows who I liked (no longer now) Wonderful. And he won’t believe me when I say I don’t like him anymore. [Teen taunting] I’ll bet he’s told at least one person. He almost told Cameron this arvy. Speech was on my own. Mima had to work (actually, it’s 8:30→ she’ll still be there) I’m hot – no, warm. (Slightly uncomfortable.) I’m trying not to worry about (well, not “worry” but take notice of) Mark W. I do think I still feel for him (so corny, elissa) But I’m wasting my time. I said to Mark F “I wouldn’t have had a chance anyway. PITY. Am going to Green Is. on Fri then mima’s on Sat. Staying sat. night after going to movies. Black bags – something bad under my eyes. Nite nite!!

Thursday 24/4/86

9:57. Sharon hasn’t called me yet. We (I) don’t know what’s happening now. Everyone’s changed his/her mind Sharon, me, Fiona and Angela M want to go to Green Is. But Joannah C. doesn’t want to go anywhere. I don’t know what’s happening. Except that I must remember to ring mima about Saturday night. Today was different. I only spent before school in the library with Sharon; at lunch, I was with mima & fi. Walking home off bus, Mark F. mentioned Mark W and I stressed to Neville I used to like him. They both don’t. (Up their arses!) I still think he’s a hunk, tho. Quite warm today. Not usual autumn weather. Am so tired. Hair is growing fast. Seems everyone i.e.: the “popular” girls Angie M, Trisha, Michelle W, Joannah etc are being really nice lately. Am glad!! [The Need for Acceptance – oh Ego, you are so blinding…]

Friday 25/4/86

[Anzac Day] HOLIDAY So far as laziness, gluttony and boredom go, this has been my worst day. I ate so much. I feel so ashamed. I did absolutely nothing but watch TV or read my book (or eat) instead of doing homework. And as a result, it was the most boring-est day of my life. You see, cos Sharon didn’t ring back last night, I had to ring her at 7:30 to find out whether she was going or not cos Fi rang an hour earlier, wanting to know what was happening. Anyway; it wasn’t on. So that’s how I spent Anzac Day, 1986. Cyclone Manu is getting closer to Cairns by the minute. “What? Another cyclone?” Yep! Not quite as intense as Winnifred it has centre winds of 150km/hr so far. 11:32. Got back from movies, OUT OF AFRICA was absolutely BRILLIANT no other word for it. went with mum & julia & geoff

Saturday 26/4/86

Well. I got ready and “rushed” into town. Bought a fantastic green (emerald green) blouse. I love it. Only $28. Saw mima – she said she thinks it’ll still be on. I said for her to give me a quick buzz if it’s not, but otherwise I’ll come as per normal. I did maths HW all arvy till I packed for mima’s. Didn’t have a shower. Got all “excited” – the first movie was “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”. Then that Movie. I didn’t watch more than about 1/20 of it!! I kept my knees in front of my face most of the time. And I was “fine!” [It was a horror flick called ‘House’. I have always hated ‘scary’ movies – so my attendance at this was for purely social reasons.] Colleen, Liam, Sharon, Fi, Brent, Polly, Anna, me & mima went. Not many other known people. Mark R was there. Got to sleep around 1:00! Was alright, too! [Alright as in no boogeymen or nightmares]

Sunday 27/4/86

Woke around 9:00. Slept in till 10:30. Today went so fast. Around midday Amanda (C) came round. We talked. Watched ‘Fraternity Vacation’. Ate piklets. And honeycomb. And played junior Trivial Pursuit. Amanda left, Brent came & left, Jay left. We finished the game around 5:00. Took Shannon home to get her clothes for school. Then I was dropped home. (I think this pen’s running out) Watched Countdown. Watched more TV. Boy, am I tired, now!! Absolutely bugared. (I definitely need a new pen I think) Pretty, funny kind of day. Did no HW. Umah! Wanted to get my english assignment out of the way. Too bad!! School 2morrow. Thank God for school. I love it!! [Now how often does one hear THAT?]