worry – Page 2 – A Life in Words

Rocky Relations, Ambulance Chasers & the Red Letter Day (20-26 July)

Published on July 21, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 20/7/87

Why do I bother opening my mouth? It seems every word I utter is ridiculous, stupid & ends up hurting someone (Mark, of course) [With hindsight I can say this is ‘doubtful’] I woke this morning, after an O.K. sleep, to a practically pain-free throat, but it still felt wierd. [I consistently spell this word incorrectly. And I mean, all the time!] I stayed home; sleeping until about 11:30 (on & off) (I think I needed that) As the day progressed I felt better & better. After my haircut (had trouble, still, talking to Annette; my voice is extremely nasally & feels “false) Beka rang, then Mark. And thats when it happened. I don’t really like some of the things he told me. They got me worried (but, strangely, I’m not, in a way) – he said he sometimes feels hatred for me [well that’s full on…] Great. No matter how angry or upset I am with him, I could never feel hatred. [Same goes for anyone or anything. Hatred is not in my vocab…] He said his feelings for me “might have” changed. What does that mean? [I think it’s pretty obvious] How could he not like me anymore?? [Remember when your parents split up?] I can’t accept this. It’s the same as last year – no matter how hard I try, I will not believe he doesn’t like me. [Denial] Not a good phone call at all, after all. He said we’d talk tomorrow. SHIT [and here we go again…] 9:20

Tuesday 21/7/87

I got to school late as possible today. But he came even later….near the end of double maths. And at the end of the lesson, you should’ve seen him up & out of that classroom, fast as a bullet It was quite obvious he didn’t wish to walk me to art. I spoke not a word during little lunch. In biol, near the end, I tried But finally he snapped, “I don’t feel like talking now – it’s got nothing to do with you.” Bullshit. That’s why he’s talking & mucking round with everyone else. It’s a bit obvious. Just a bit. [Sarcasm …in case you hadn’t detected it] Jemima came to the Esplanade with me. I was quite upset to start with. I barely sorted anything out with her. [Meaning she couldn’t shed any light on the situation for you, make you feel any better? Not that that was her responsibility…] Back at school, I stuck with her & noticed (lo & behold) Nicole sitting right between him & Keith. Vengance? Perhaps? No, he’s not like that. I talked to Keith in art. He didn’t know a thing. Cameron said in chem. Glyn saw me crying. I denied it. Only more evidence that I’m a sook After school I went straight to the car. Waited all arvy for Keith to call. He said Mark didn’t/wouldn’t say anything when he’d asked him after school & when he rang [who? Keith or Mark?] he couldn’t talk for long- Mark not allowed on the phone. [That’s a tad confusing] God, it gets me right DOWN

Wednesday 22/7/87

Well, well, well. I got a little depressed. I talked to him a little; asking questions etc in biol. and I got ‘grunts’ for most answers. I cannot see how, if he has problems at home, he must ignore me. So we didn’t talk the rest of the day till tonite at dance practise. And even then, to start with, it was very forced – strictly “business” (not pleasure, understand?) Oh well .. we can waltz now! Our Pride of Erin is exceptional!! I was so confused -he wasn’t looking in my eyes- avoiding them, yet now & then he’d touch my hand, pat my face. After, I tried to talk, but it was pointless. He said we could tomorrow. He said his feelings for me have changed. [that’s twice now, Elissa] I asked how +ve or -ve & he said Both ways. Well, Jezus, if I’m not worried, and upset and depressed and .. CONFUSED. [No surprises there] He left said “Bye.” Seigi talking to me she said “Do you hate Nicole?” SKINT [“how embarrassing to be confronted”] “No,” I reckon “why?” “lotsa people think you do” “who” “my friends, Nicole even.” Well, I went on about “well I am a bit pissed off with her sucking up to Mark” etc. Got out of that O.K. [Sounds like I was being dishonest, but I actually wasn’t: I didn’t hate her (I can’t ‘hate’ anybody) …I was just highly insecure… and whenever she gained his attention (whether or not she sought it intentionally – and I had obviously decided it was…) I was just plain old jealous. And it’s quite common for the jealous (fearful) to react negatively to their stimuli!] Spent sports arvy at Fi’s shop again. My cold/flu whatever it is, is O.K. I’m congested (mucus) and there’s a cough “on the rise”. I’m tired. NERVOUS- tomorrow!! MARK, THIS HAS TO BE THE LAST (for a long time, anyway) […last what? Argument? Talk? Ultimatum? Decision? Scare? I think I deliberately left the ball in his court: if there was to be a break up, I was not going to be ‘the bad guy’…]

Thursday 23/7/87

My voice kind of disintegrated today ..after all that talking & “squealing” at last night’s dance practise. It was really funny (my attempts at laughing.. ha ha!) Wonder if it’ll be the same tomorrow? Well, Mark & I talked a little today. Not much at all, but more than ever so far, this week. At the end of big lunch, he even joked with me! (& Fiona etc….of course) So I was quite happy. But things are still… “tense” (shall we say?) I think. We need to have a talk, ’cause nothing’s been sorted out, really. He’s paying for our formal tickets ($20 ea) + after formal party tickets ($5) so I pay for the limosine ($30) That’s pretty ~~fair~~ good! Went to the solicitor this arvy→ my summons [for the bus crash inquest] will be awhile, coming, yet.(cause my medical report is extensive) Everyone else, nearly, seems to have theirs now. Steve S [solicitor] reckons (told mum after I’d left the office) that I could claim $100 000!! [this is with regard to third party compensation from the bus accident] (He said he’d be very surprised if I got less than $40 000!! WOW!!!!) I’m not supposed to tell anyone. [I’m going to be a negative spoiler right now and reveal that that was WAY off the mark …and I now believe it was simply a carrot dangled in front of my mother, to secure her (our) representation ….by a law firm with a reputation for being ‘ambulance-chasers’…] Jesus, I hope Mark & I can sort things out soon very soon. I had my last dress fitting today. picking it up tomorrow. It’s beautiful. 10:45 Late nite must get more sleep

Friday 24/7/87

It got to me today; Mark’s mood. I really can’t understand what’s wrong & he won’t talk to me; I’d hoped we could do something tonight so I could talk to him, but his whole weekend, it seems, is conveniently set up already. It hurts so much. I really felt like balling my eyes out this afternoon. I’m SURE something’s up; he’s bored with me – falling “out of love”. [He has twice said this week that his feelings have changed. That’s pretty clear… But I know you were waiting to hear the exact words from him …your tenacity translating to stubbornness…] Am worried about something he’d said at lunchtime to Cameron (a joke or not?) about some “surprise” after or at the formal – something I won’t like. I rang Cameron tonight. He said all Mark’s said to him is he’s pissed off with my whingeing [….about? Wanting to talk and obtain a resolution?] FAIR ENOUGH. I haven’t exactly been very tactful. SO GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE, WILL YOU? [A second chance at what? I’m confused with my own train of thought here…] God, I love you SO MUCH. I don’t think you really know how much – & you aren’t “free” to let me tell you. [Telling someone how much you love them won’t make them love you more. Ever heard of ‘unrequited love’?] I went to town with mum & jules after school – get stockings & my dress!!! Saw Fi; she said Keith & Mark are in town tonight. That’s nice. [Not Happy Jan!] I’m going to town with Cameron tomorrow – helping him look for things for the formal (something for me to do – Mark won’t call me or anything) I’ll want to call Keith tomorrow sometime- talk to him. [Trying to get blood from a stone?] Got my report card today: got 46% chem- unbelievable!! [unbelievably good or bad?] Also got my summons!! !! ALL WE EVER TALK ABOUT NOW IS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FORMAL That’s all.

Saturday 25/7/87

Town with Cameron was O.K. Mark & Keith were in there too (Cameron saw them before meeting me) We never ran into them. We did see Glyn & Sue B tho’. Walked alot. Having lunch, we had a short but serious talk about love, mainly. He thinks Moni would’ve been perfect for him. Too late, Cameron. [Monique had been interested him towards the end of Year 11 but he didn’t reciprocate her feelings (see Thursday’s entry in this post for the revelation) I wonder if his change of heart was authentic or simply borne of Regret, following her death?] Told me also that Mark was sick of my whingeing. So that’s it. Well, I missed the bus so rang Mum (Sharon got a lift to the hockey fields) [Random! Where did Sharon fit into the picture?] Keith called at home. Invited me over for the night (his parents were away) Tried to get Fi too, but wasn’t home. I got there around 2:00 & got onto Fi soon after- she had to babysit. We went into the boardroom & played Triv. Pursuit. Then polka. [I think that’s meant to be Poker] Stupid “singing dare” game. I refused to take part in…got upset → the guys eventually gave up (I thought they never would.) After dinner, walked to Drive In Bottle shop → 1 bottle rum. Not enough Coke at home → the mixture was ∴ [symbol for ‘therefore’] very potent. The video was sick, so in the boardroom we played a “Truth” game. Soon we just talked, without the game part (honestly talking honestly) Found out some interesting things – Mark said he could marry Angie M, Fiona & me; Keith

Sunday 26/7/87

→ said Angie M. me & Tricia. Heaps of other things. I kept drinking → thought the alcohol effect would wear off too quickly. [Uh oh…] I really overdid it this time (the 1st time) I remember crying (the conversation was about Monique) – Keith left the room – Mark took me & put me in the shower 5 mins after – I spewed YUKKY. Out of there, I (dunno what I did) then into the toilet YUKKY! Cleaned my teeth .. Mark & I talked (I bombed out → Mark & Keith said-they did heaps in that time)before) after: lotsa things. [?!?] Um. We got to sleep around 2:00 – woke 5:30. RED LETTER: no more the virgin mary. (not completely – no climax cos’ no contraception) up at 8:30- I went & watched baseball (they lost) Home→ dropped off stuff. Short time at Keith’s before Mark & I went to dance practise – for about ½hr. Drove me home & I did NOTHING. Should’ve slept- am so tired now – need it like anything. Eyes are dead. Well, I’m sure I won’t get that drunk ever again (not vomitting, anyway.) [Hahahahaha ….hahahahaha…. so, SO hilarious! I do not need to convince anyone that I was just a TAD deluded there…] overcast weather cool day. Haven’t even started Smithfield formal dress. [Spending well over $200 on my Cairns High formal outfit meant the other formal dress had to be a home-made job. Just as well my mum was pretty good on the machine …even though she didn’t think so, herself.] NO HW done this weekend. SHIT

Shoes, Gloves, Suits & My Beach Bonfire Birthday (6 -12 July)

Published on July 6, 2015 by Elissa Coxen2 Comments

Monday 6/7/87

Had to answer the phone this morning – mum was in the shower yelling to Julia & I – of course I got up to answer it. Made me angry – only 8 or so hours sleep. [A lot of people would kill for that much sleep in one night…] Could’ve gotten 9 or 10 like last night. Oh well. Went to town (all around Cairns as a matter of fact) with mum today ..saw Mrs E about my dress, then spent the next 3 hours running around getting fabric for it. At home this arvy, I read my Dolly mag, watched TV (generally: “bludged”) Mark rang about 5 or 6 times consecutively (quickly) – they were at Keith’s, testing out the new phone. Anyway he rang me around 7:30 tonight (I think) Talked not long- said he’d ring me tomorrow (getting his license Wednesday – said he’d also visit me then) I think it’s working better this way – the less worried I am, the less I think about him, the more relaxed I am [in general, the less you worry, the more relaxed you will be. Just sayin’]_ _ he was right. [When did he say that?] Now he’s doing some of the “chasing” instead. It’s 10:40. Watched the new mini-series (everyone else was in bed) Is so cool now – BEAUTIFUL weather (tho’ it’s overcast – pity)

Tuesday 7/7/87

Woke around 8:00 – another 8½-9hrs sleep, I think. Good! Got ready & went to Kmart to get socks for dad, then gave him his prezzies (told me he’s going to pay for all my formal expenses: isn’t that great?!!) [There’s gratitude right there] Then, on to other places, before getting home (to a phonecall from Mark – just a quick one to say that he’d received ’87 RIGHT ON TRACK [pretty much my favourite of all the compilation albums I owned] from his uncle, so he didn’t need it to be taped anymore. [Music Piracy in the ’80’s involved copying onto blank cassette tapes, either someone else’s albums or directly recording from the radio (average sound quality). As I’ve mentioned previously, we were lucky enough to somehow receive ABC TV audio on the FM bandwidth (all of our local radio stations were only on AM) so our illegal recordings sounded better than everyone else’s!] And that was it – so I’ll ring him tomorrow morning to wish him luck for his test & if not (if he doesn’t visit me) I’ll ring around 6:00 to see if he passed & if he’d take me to the Drive In – Little Shop of Horrors is on & I’d love to see it -so funny!) Bludged the afternoon doing scrapbook in front of the TV then bathed & Mike & Cynthia & Kylie (their niece, so my 3rd cousin or something like that) came for dinner. BORING! No, not really. Was a pretty goodnight. But I’m tired now. It’s 10:30. Get some (lots of) shut-eye.

Wednesday 8/7/87

BORING!! Terrible day – one of the most terrible days I’ve had for ages (compared to my other holidays). Actually, I’m exaggerating a bit. [At least I admit it…] It’s really been like most of the other days this week .. spent morning in town (in and around town) grocery shopping, looking at shoes etc. Ate a lot today. Anyway, home around 1:00, I watched TV & fiddled around with dresses & material. Have started making a skirt .. don’t have enough fabric to finish it now!! Oh dear! I rang Mark’s place around 4:30 – he didn’t come over (then rang him at Keith’s) He passed his driving test, of course. Seemed very bored (or maybe I’m imagining it) I haven’t seen him for 3 days & tomorrow, I’ll bet will be the 4th. [Oh so maybe this is why you felt your day was “one of the most terrible you’ve had for ages”?] SHIT. I want to see him very soon. [Wanting causes Pain…] That call this arvy was very short – I thought he was going to come around after it, but no – of course not. Why do I bother?? [You’re asking the question; it’s your choice to make…] Gordon rang tonight to see if I’d go late nite with him, Justine & Jason – to look for their suits. (I can’t – my B’day). [Ah, he must’ve meant in town: what I usually labelled ‘late night’ was the Thursday late night trading at suburban shopping centres but the CBD had extended trading hours on Fridays. I think it’s still the same…] Then I rang Fi tonite. Hopefully we’ll go to town 2morrow (with my luck Mark’ll come round while I’m not home.) Justine also rang me later 2nite. V. rainy & cool & windy. Beautiful! (But “stop!” rain, for my B’day & the show!) Is 11:00.

Thursday 9/7/87

Went shopping – in town – looking for my formal shoes – and I got them (!!) Black patent leather – pointed toe and the heel’s about 5cm ($60) and Gloves. I have a choice – fingerless net gloves to about before the elbow, or white, full finger gloves, past my elbow (I’d have to dye them) I don’t know what I’m going to get!! [*facepalm* the 80’s was an embarrassing era for fashion. Gloves… seriously? Thanks a lot, Michael and Madonna!] Anyway after visiting Nana I got home & Keith & Mark came! (see last night at 11:40 they came & I “snuck” out – we drove around and mum found out, cause I couldn’t get in the house when I got home) [Oh that is hilarious. Why am I not surprised?] So, we went to Trinity Beach (Sandle, [no, not a typo – ‘Sandle’ was her nickname] Fi & Brent ate their lunch their, too) Played T.P. at home – Keith & Mark cheated! They left around 3:00. wasted the afternoon, Before getting ready for the Drive In. We went despite the weather – It didn’t rain too much. Back at Keith’s new place [privacy omission] we decided to get some videos .. a porno. one (type thing) [uh, really? I don’t remember that at all! What an awkward situation with my boyfriend’s mate there too?] and a horror or suspense. It was O.K. [LOL, OK? Obviously porn doesn’t do it for me?!] Then Keith went to→

Friday 10/7/87

bed and Mark & I mucked around on the divan .. kissing etc. [Nope! Still not what you think…] About 4:00 [privacy omission] then bombed. I woke around 10:00. The weather was… not too good – quite overcast, but there was some sun & blue sky. Mark gave me his present – a sterling silver fob chain (its beautiful) after breakfast, went to Mark’s, then my place (Mike, Cynthia, Kylie & Dougie were there) I got $10 Julia, $45 from them (lots, huh!) Mum $20 so far + doona & tri-pillow cover. [Oh, the tri-pillow! A furnishing trend of the late 80’s, early 90’s… I think they were designed to support your back whilst sitting up in bed. Did anyone else have one?] We went to the beach – trinity was very clouded & windy. Up at Wangetti, it was quite beautiful still overcast in patches, but mostly sunny. Back at my place, the guys left around 3:30. We had nothing planned. After lots of phone calls (to Fi’s & Keith’s) we decided on a bonfire at the beach. Dad came tonight & gave me $50 + 2 charms from my c. bracelet. […which I still have to this day…] Mark & Keith came at 7:15 ..Sat until about 7:40. Fi & Sandle fussed around taking heaps of things, then we picked up Brent. At Trinity there was no beach! (the tide was too high) So we went to Ellis. And there we stayed. Getting fire “stuff”, sitting, lying, running, chasing (& falling – so funny!)→

Saturday 11/7/87

Marshmallow fights! Mark & I were lying kissing [privacy omission] up the beach”. [Privacy omission] I wanted to do it, so much, but knew if I did I’d worry myself sick about getting pregnant. I’ll have to get something. We talked a little – the pill’s about the best, I guess. Anyway, we left when Mark & I got back. Got home about 1:45. I was rather tired. (Mark said he’d ring me – hope he doesn’t forget) Woke around 8:00 – slept till 8:30. Got ready for town. Sat for ages – Justine rang wondering if I knew where Gordon was – but he came as she was on the phone. So we were out 2 hours. [Suit hunting for the boys, for the Smithfield High formal I was to attend with Gordon] Boring! At home, I wasted the arvy – till Mark & Keith popped in. We sat doing nothing (mum invited them to stay for dinner) Mark & I were joking around alot. And at the end, he really started to hurt me but I don’t think he knew it- thought I was pretending to be sooky still, but I really was getting upset. I think he left angry. Oh, not really angry. I don’t know, but I’m sure as hell a bit upset now. They’re going to take me to the beach tomorrow. Wonder if they still will? Oh, I really must mention this. I love him so much it hurts me. [That doesn’t sound wonderful …nor ‘healthy’…] 9:44 now, but I’m gonna watch the movie

Sunday 12/7/87

Well, it’s weird. I don’t know. I woke & got up around 10:30. They came around 12:30 (I was beginning to think they’d gone to baseball, after all) But, the brakes on the car were stuffed. So, mum drove us to Trinity Beach. We were getting on O.K. Not spectacularly affectionately. He & Keith went for a walk (long time!) Then, soon after their return, we hired out a catamaran… Mark & Keith had a go first, then Keith & I had it & it was fun -(we got caught in the shark net to start with…!!) We weren’t off it long before we decided to go. At home, the joking continued until finally it ended in the “I’m never going to talk to you again” routine [clearly predictable by now or I wouldn’t’ve referred to it as a ‘routine’] which I hate so much – it hurts so much. I sat out the back. When Mark came out, I could tell he was still joking but my sooky-ness (seriously – I was upset) got to him, I’m sure. I don’t know if he’s angry with me or not. I didn’t ring I think that’d be too pushy cos if he isn’t really angry he would get that way. [Well that’s wise. But the ‘distance’ – giving yourself space – is more on point…] I spent a lot of time talking to Fi on the phone about it. I really have to make my own decisions more. I partly did that tonite, for once. Hope everything’s OK at school tomorrow SCHOOL – I HATE IT.

Venom, Pedestals, Bruised Fruit & Bed-Swapping (25-31 May)

Published on May 25, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 25/5/87

Well today was different. Got on really good though. (Though?) Yes, “though”. (Though, what?) [Love the conversive story telling? One might relate it to a touch of schizophrenia?] Well, there’s rumours he got with (you guessed it) Nicole. I don’t want to believe them. See, I didn’t think Mark would get with anybody – it didn’t cross my mind once I trusted him. Then these rumours: I chose to disbelieve, but more evidence against my opinion .. I am too afraid to say anything to him in case he gets angry [Alarm bells! If you fear ANY kind of interaction with a partner, should you be there at all?] .. he can’t see that I do trust him, but I wish (if this did happen) that he would tell me . . be honest. Going behind my back destroys trust… [um, so you are saying you accept cheating …as long as you’re informed of it? It’s certain that a lack of honest & openness is not conducive to trust but, well, I certainly wouldn’t accept certain behaviours from a partner now even if he was open about it…] but I think he didn’t tell me because (1) he was afraid of losing me because of it.. and/or (2) he knew it would destroy what trust I had in him, totally. [Ya think? Analyse, analyse, analyse….] But I’m all worked up. [Privacy omission] broke up. He got with Nina Nina admitted it to Julia. She & [privacy omission] and Nicole & Mark. I HATE that Fuckin bitch. [Ill-begotten blame: it takes two to tango, young Lissa…] Oh Mark. Why are you doing this? Why did it happen? How could you let it?

Tuesday 26/5/87

I got to school and no one was there (Fi, mima that is) so, Cameron talked to me. And he told me nothing happened. And I knew he was right because Fiona had seen Nicole go (so how could she possibly have gotten with him “in the last 5 minutes”? as Seigi said.) Mima said she didn’t think it happened after all. I AM A FOOL to let it worry me. [Worry is your middle name, girl] Nicole WISHES. She spread rumours herself. And it backfired. SUCK IT BITCH. I hate you & am gonna see your dreams get squashed. [Wow, super venomous! There’s some serious hurt, insecurity & fear on display there…] You’re trying (in vain) to break us up. Boring day at school. I think it was because I spent most of it with Mark. I mean, I like spending time with him, but the less time we spend together, the more special our moments together are. He gets bored too easily. Today he even said I was boring & predictable. [a hint?] I should take it as a joke [should you?] ..but sometimes I wonder. [hmm, that’s related to gut instinct…] He is so gorgeous!!! […despite it all, I clearly had this guy on a pedestal; a very high pedestal. No one belongs on a pedestal, and amongst all the lessons this relationship presented me, this was one of the most significant.] There’s a new record out (compilation album) & it’s got Favourite Waste of time on it. I HAVE TO GET IT!! Oh I’m tired! [privacy omission] are “on the rocks”.

Wednesday 27/5/87

I did a lot. Well that’s what it seems like In fact, I did very little. Biology HW & that was it. I should have done my english. I now have 1 day to do 2 assignments. Well done, Lissa. And with all my other work, that could virtually be regarded as impossible. Oh dear. It was rather dull today. I ate a fair bit. (Just killed a gi-normous mozzie) Gi-normous spider last night, which we killed thank god. It was a “whopper”! [While I’m not into killing, I have to admit I still can’t allow living creepy-crawlies to share my house. If there’s no one around to remove them, I admit that I will terminate the creature’s life.] Can’t wait for the weekend. To spend with Mark. Hope he doesn’t get sick of me. Worked out today was our 18th week together: just over 4 months. Also worked out he’d been with Trish & Nicole for only about 7 weeks each! Ha, ha! Thought Mark might’ve rung me ..forgot to ring him anyway He probly doesn’t mind. wonder if he’d come late night shopping tomorrow night (again?) He’s probly getting sick of that, too. [Good god, the analysing! It’s so much more about ME than it is him…] God I wish winter would come. It’s normally rather cool by now. NOT FAIR. Oh I’m tired. 9:50. Late! Need lotsa sleep.

Thursday 28/5/87

Fi went home early today. She was so upset: her grandfather died last night. [Fis’ grandfather was a lovely quiet, soft soul whom I recall used to shuffle around the house in his slippers, and kept smarties in his trouser pockets, which he would then proffer to us with a cheeky grin, as if collaborating against parental authority.] Boring day today really. Mark came late. Looked grumpy, but was O.K. Did very little in art: made a stretcher; put on canvas & painted it white. Big lunch I did bio prac. then went up to room A5 to see about trip to Snowy’s. [The Snowy Mountains in NSW] I can’t afford it & it’s certain dad won’t pay. [It sucked being low-middle class – or upper-lower, whichever we were: I never went on one long distance excursion in all my years of schooling.] I said something to Mark later & he said “right that’s it; we’re not going out anymore. I’m not taking you to the formal.” I know he was joking [really? with the benefit of hindsight, I’d say a glaring hint…] but it hurt. He Went for driving lesson straight after school so I didn’t see him. I did a little english tonight. Nowhere near enough Mark rang: carrying on his jokes. They really do hurt me. I’ll have to let him know. He’s “bruising the fruit”. Gotta be careful not to “squash” me. [Not saying it was the case (how am I to know what someone else is or was thinking or feeling?) but perhaps he was trying to encourage ME to end the relationship?] Dad & Jenny’s wedding photo was in the Cairns Times. Whoopee! My bio assign. seeds are growing so fast!! Am dreading tomorrow. My english is unfinished. must wake early to do my assignments. Is 9:40

Friday 29/5/87

Mark seemed in rather a dull, shitty mood today, but he wasn’t angry with me. I guess it was the usual boredom of school. I got to school later than usual; just in time for form: had to go into town and get photographic paper. Got 1st assignment written out & 2nd rough copy started in double english: Elisia & I stayed in the darkroom -doing english all day! [And so begins the habit of last-minute assignment productions! I thought this behaviour had begun at Uni but I am clearly mistaken…] Handed mine in after going to the library for about 20-25mins at lunchtime… then went to Fi’s grandpa’s (Da’s) funeral. (He died at 9:00 at night) It was small & short. And I thought mostly of Monique. Why her? [Not so much, why was I thinking of her at another’s funeral, but rather asking the Philosophical ‘Why’ with regard to Death, yet again: why was she taken from me?] Back at school, for ≈ 15 mins of chem. talked very briefly to Mark before leaving with mum. Rang him around 4:30.. got ready around 5:00. . . picked him up at 6:00 . . walking round town (bought that excellent record (tape) I told you about – it’s 2 actually) Looking at clothes, mainly Then after dinner – to the Capri. Mark loved JUMPIN’ JACK FLASH. But we were both bored to tears during ALIENS …seen it too recently before to enjoy it again. Then we caught taxi to his place. (my gear I left there when we picked him up.) We lazed on his bed: talking & mucking round- listening to the new tapes…

Saturday 30/5/87

→ stayed up till ≈ 4:00…kissing (cutest – love it!) [So, “All is Well” in the world again?] Fell asleep then & I woke to movement at 6:30 (“Uh-oh!” I think, “Sandra knows I’m in here!” – she went to her room, I heard her. She would’ve known I was in Mark’s room. So I got up – got a drink from the bathroom tap, then went to Sandra’s bedroom; into her bed (well, under the top blanket) [oh Liss, that only makes you look more guilty!] slept & dozed till about 11:00, no 10:30. After brekky (Keith came) we lazed in his room talking (kissing) again, till about 2:00. I got changed and they dropped me home. . there’s this really big red hickie [lovebite that is, in case this slang is too ancient for some readers?] on the front of my neck.. shit ..it’s bad (Keith gave me heaps about it imagine school on Monday – oh no!) Spent the rest of the day listening to music, mainly. Rang Mark’s place – he was at work. Rang him at work – he said to ring him at home after 9:00. It was a short, but sweet phone call. Oh, I so badly wanted to see him tonight. Hope I can tomorrow. I Love You, Mark. So very much.

Sunday 31/5/87

A Life in Words — I bought the cassettes and they copped an absolute flogging in their lifetime!

JULIA’S B’DAY! BORING! No! I woke & wrapped Julia’s present – just in time! (Julia walked in from Amanda’s just as I finished!) Listened to my (our) tapes this morning (Hungry for Hits that is) Played Triv. Pursuit with Jules when Amanda came. Around 2:45 Mark rang. Nana came so I had to ring him back (3:30!) Michael (mum’s couz.) & Cynthia (wife) came over. Played a little Monopoly during the day, too. Was boring for me. Till about 5:00 I got ready (rush!) And Michael took me to pick up Mark & take us to work. Watched ½ of About Last Night & ½ of some other one ..forget it. Keith came too- his car’s fixed. So drove me home – they had coffee. Didn’t get to kiss Mark enough. And he’s going away next weekend. My God!! How will I ever make it? It’s never boring at work with him- it might sound boring but I’m never bored when I’m around him. It’s late: 10:25. I think I know when Mark first saw me.. he said 2nite the Xmas hol’s ..after the CAD parents meeting (Dec. 3) & had to be before Dec 27. (cause my hair cut short then)

The Silent Treatment & Visiting Monique’s Mum (11-17 May)

Published on May 11, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 11/5/87

Mark was away today & I am glad. I don’t know what it would’ve been like trying to talk to him. He didn’t ring me tonight, so I gather he’s still “disappointed” with me. Boring-ish day at school. Test in biology – no one told me (I was away [the day it was mentioned]) Failed it, consequently. Understood chem. work today..did it with mima. (No Cameron hassling me) Did bio prac. during lunch hour. wanted to go up and do my maths HW- assignment or get cards ([privacy omission] Fi & I want to make false I.D. so we can go out for Fi’s birthday) […we were such Bad Asses!] Talked to Keith a little during art. Found out he’d rung mark last night as well. I said he was wrong & that Mark was “angry” with me. Keith ([I] caught him out!) said “well, he won’t burn your house down”…”it’s happened before”. He’s disappointed & I can understand that. I’m just worried how long it’s going to be before we’re together again. I have a feeling he’ll avoid me tomorrow. Double bio – oh no! What’ll happen then? Tania asked if I’d like to go to Port Douglas tomorrow – mum said no – I’d have loved to – to get away from Mark (she didn’t go [to Port] today). [What do they say about running away from your problems?] Should I have rung him tonight? Oh well, too late now anyway. Please Mark, don’t ignore me or be angry or disappointed with me tomorrow

Tuesday 12/5/87

Well I saw him riding to school, but didn’t wave (in case). […in case he didn’t respond. Because that would be embarrassing…] I went straight into the maths room (Fi & Brent were there) & stayed through form, till double maths. I didn’t think he was talking to me & strangely, I wasn’t upset. After art, I was walking back to area .. in the room by the door he was alone. He smiled ..so I thought “Great!” But during bio it was different again. And ditto for the rest of the day. [Talk about a rollercoaster relationship…] (After school mima bet me he would say goodbye.. he didn’t ..she got Cameron to tell him to.. so Mark snapped “Goodbye”.) And I didn’t ring him tonight . . I’m not really worried. Why should I crawl back to him all the time? He takes me for granted, I’ll bet: thinking I’ll always be there.. to apologise etc. Well I want him to ring or talk to me now & then to apologise or ask what the problem is ..Show he cares. He said I’ll never get away from him. Let’s see if he’s really bothered to stop us from breaking up. BORING DAY REALLY. SO HOT. G’NITE!

Wednesday 13/5/87

He avoided me totally today … not one word, one look. And I’m not anywhere near as worried as I would normally be ..I’m surprised! (you see I could say I’m not worried at all – but that wouldn’t be the truth – I am just a little, deep down, but as I said .. nowhere near as worried as I used to get.) Today I wrote out all the quotes from Mark’s letters & also things he’s said to me. [Apart from trying to reassure myself about his feelings for me, I’m thinking this would have been a compilation of ‘evidence’ to potentially be used in a future talk, or ‘confrontation’. Not that I’d take the little list along with me; writing helps to better commit things to memory.] Keith, before school, said Mark said he just doesn’t feel like talking to me. Oh that’s great. Just don’t talk to me when you feel like it.. no matter how much you hurt me. So I went through the day ignoring him. Mr Grossetti dropped us home after aerobics again. There was a letter from Kerry A. [the social worker/counsellor I’d come to rely upon] She’s gone to Brisbane. Great. I wrote a 5 page thing “to” Mark but don’t know if I’ll give it to him It’ll probably make him angry with my luck. So hot. It’s s’posed to be closer to winter now. FAT CHANCE I’m so tired.

Thursday 14/5/87

Avoided yet again. And that 5 page letter I did (well Fi did) give it to him, in 4th period – no difference ..still not talking. Boring day … art bludge – my painting is hopeless. Big lunch – did chem prac. (for contract), are doing it tomorrow as well. After school, went to see Kerri – gave her a present. Farewell! Saw Tania (& also tonight at Earlville) she’s leaving tomorrow Boo hoo! Everyone’s going! Mima & polly came down & soon mum took us to Earlville. Was good. Got Fi’s & Mark’s presents. [I’m sorry, you what? You’re being ignored and you’re still going to buy a gift? Well, I clearly didn’t think this ‘rough patch’ would result in the end of the relationship. Says something about my level of Hope. Or ignorance?] Yahoo. Keith rang when I got home.. ∼9:30. Talking about different things. I cannot understand Mark. He is taking me for granted. Maybe if I scared him. Ha. That would backfire for sure, I bet. [Yes. Karma. It’s a bitch, apparently.] I wish he was more understanding. I hate school. That causes all the trouble. [Haha, the Blame Game. It’s a Human Condition: nothing’s ever your fault, always someone’s or something else’s…] BITCH. oh well. Is 10:10. NO HW done UMAH.

Friday 15/5/87

I barely saw him at all today, totally. Mima came around 7:45. Were riding really slow; I was finding it hard to start with. But after stopping to pump up tyres..we were off! Flying! Did really well! Double english was so boring..but in art! I did quite a few [black & white photo] prints [in the dark room]– moni & I preparing at the exhibition; moni & I at the opening that night & Mark & I in hospital. Big lunch spent in lab… did 2 pracs. Have about 5 left. Mucking round – fun lesson of chemistry. Mima & I rode over. Was sad. Mrs Perrem [Monique’s mother] seems much different. I don’t know. Neville & his mum came too.. that kind of spoiled it .. I’d wanted to talk personally [‘privately’ perhaps?].. (y’know). But Mrs P. gave me a mini photo album with monique’s camp photos, artwork, piccys of her & the day at the beach & one of the day when all the guys came over. [I have pretty much posted nearly all of these photos in my blogposts along the way…] I’ll treasure it. We eventually left ..rode to Stereo World around 5:30. Mum picked me up about 7:00. Late night really. Monique’s room’s beautiful. I loved being in there. Oh it’s not fair. Monique, you were the best thing that happened to me. And I never got to tell you. I love you. So much.

Saturday 16/5/87

I never get any work done on Saturdays- too many music shows on during the day. From 10:00 through (nearly non-stop) till 2:00. And, I usually can’t get up early on this day. Mum woke me this morning- I’d forgotten I had a hair appointment for 8:15. It’s cute! All one length bob- ear level & short fringe – a page Boy cut. Fi rang & we talked abit … I started getting ready around 5:45. The Brewers picked me up ∼7:45. Salad Days was almost as bad as West Side Story. Singing, dancing & acting was better this year but the plot of the story was so damned sick & stupid. Jokes were sick. [Remember, back in the 80’s “sick” didn’t have ANY positive connotations. So I was in fact hating on the jokes, right there…] Anyway, Brewers dropped me home & mum dropped me back at the corner of Cassowary St. Sonia’s party was dying when I came. Sharon had left. I stayed with Fi & Jason P. Cameron, Chris, Glyn, Steven, Mike (I) were there (Fi said Keith had been too) But Mark wasn’t ..didn’t matter.. there were no guys I could flirt with anyway. [You see that? The ‘Jealousy Game’…] Eventually, we went in this guys’s car to Coppelode Lookout.. with all Jason’s friends (Nigel too!) stayed there for a while, music blaring talking mucking around & looking at the beautiful view→ [see pic, left. here I crossed over to Sunday’s page in the diary…]

Sunday 17/5/87

After, went to 24hr service stn & people ate. Then, Jason picked up his car & dropped me home around 3:00. Saw Paul at the party. He stayed Saturday night ..in a combie. I listened to 4CCR for the rest of the time, till 4:00, then “bombed”. Got out of bed around 11:30. The day went surprisingly slow, considering I was up for only ½ of it. I did a little chem. HW but that was it. Did Big Fat NOTHING again. Beka came over late. (around 5:00) talked to her mostly about Mark. Then dad came, dropping Julia home. (I’m not looking forward to next weekend at all ..fi & the rest will be raging for her Birthday.) It’s not fair. Wonder if Mark will be talking to me by his birthday. Oh shit. He’d better be. I wish he would come to Port. I WISH EVERYTHING WOULD BE EXCELLENT BETWEEN US. Why is he not talking to me? Isn’t he hurting? Doesn’t it WORRY him? DOESN’T HE CARE?? Don’t you care, Mark? Boring night – listening to radio … should really have an early night, but want to see if they play “Candy” for once.

The Dark Room, A Day Off & Friction at the Fete (4-10 May)

Published on May 4, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 4/5/87

LABOUR DAY Holiday! Well, I woke around what would it have been? …7:30? Yep! And I wasted the day . . did nothing in particular until Mark rang at 11:40. We talked for a while, and decided he’d come over. Aaaargh! I let him read my ’86 diary (tho’ I regretted it) and then he wanted to read my ’87 diary . . I really felt embarrassed (he read the bit about Robbie) [the New Year’s Eve pash] but he ignored it. Took him to work at 2:30. He rang me in the afternoon… Then again tonight. And he admitted (with my “encouragement”) that he did like me since I came [to Cairns High]. We talked a fair bit & I’ve decided to let him read my ’86 diary . . I’ll take it for him tomorrow. I trust him not to show or tell anybody what it says. I think he’s becoming more attached to me than ever. . spending much more time together. . getting on even better. Have written about ½ a foolscap [for the youngsters who don’t know what it’s like to write assignments by hand, foolscap is a standard paper size] for english & I have to have it in tomorrow or I’m in deep trouble. Don’t reckon I’ll get it finished. oh shit!

Tuesday 5/5/87

I hate school – at school our relationship is different .. it’s at school all the problems happen. It was O.K. till double bio … he just got “pen-happy”. Nikko [permanent marker pen] all over me. I disregarded that .. at big lunch Keith made a smart comment about a diary.. I thought maybe Mark had said something to him about reading my diaries.. [I would probably have thought the same now too…too ‘coincidental’…] so when I confronted him about it . .he got kind of cheesed off ..”thanks for not trusting me”. Me & my big mouth ..me & my jumping to conclusions. How can I get him to believe that I trust him if I keep saying & doing silly things (like worrying unnecessarily) [but could this ‘unneccesary’ worry be a ‘disguised’ gut feeling?] Because I DO. [Oh you so DON’T!] I’ve got to make him see that. I just worry & think the worst of situations.. something I’ll have to try & grow out of. [So, using Pessimism as the excuse now?] Well ..didn’t do any HW tonite Dad let me invite Mark for wedding! UNREAL, HUH?! (If he still wants to go) [←now if THIS wasn’t a gut instinct…read on…] & in the same room in the hotel!!! [Uh huh…at your DAD’s wedding. Elissa, even if your father was ‘cool’ with it, the likelihood of any young buck having the courage to do anything is pretty slim. What young man isn’t a tad ‘wary’ of his girlfriend’s father?] Julia told me she overheard Nicole talking to friend in H.P.E about Mark .. saying something like how she talked to him & tried to get him away from me. POOR GIRL. Never! He is mine. He loves me (& I, of course, ♥ him!) TANIA’S BACK!!! Late nite. Slept badly last night. Gave Mark my ’86 diary today.

Wednesday 6/5/87

He came late today. In bio, it was not too good, bad [←not a typo, it was actually what I’d written. I would’ve meant ‘but’] was not necessarily bad either .. on way to art was O.K. Not there at little lunch. Before maths, an absolute drag (see, in 4th p. art .. Elisia & I stayed in dark room to process negatives, & were very late for next lesson -english thank god! – so stayed in dark room with Mrs. M’s consent till 6th p. thought I was late, so ran up & burst into a year 11 class – Mr K (Chris’ dad) the teacher! Shame!) [I don’t remember this at all but I can imagine it as scene in a teen high school movie] I told him about that & he looked at me as if I was stupid so I “sulked” in maths.. am sure at one stage, I caught him looking at me & felt worse, still. Big lunch – [He] went to buy his lunch & when he came back talked little before going again.. back to say ‘goodbye’ v. nicely too. Wow. Aerobics I got a cramp, but was a bit better than last week. Mr G. dropped us home again (I apologized for missing the [english] lesson then) Tania finally rang me ≈5:00 & picked me up. Tea at her place. FOOTSTEPS TO FAME [Cairns High’s annual ‘talent quest’ concert] was excellent! So many people (supportive cos of the crash, I reckon) [highly likely] Mark wasn’t there- said he wasn’t going anyway. When I told him the good news about him being invited to dad’s wedding, he (& I knew it’d happen) said “I don’t know if I should” All this stuff about family etc. [as I said earlier, I had a feeling “…if he still wants to go”…] After all the trouble I went to… [Trouble? Meaning the ‘challenge’ of asking my father?]

Thursday 7/5/87

Today was, indeed, different. I missed the bus, planning to miss 1st period…biology (to do my english assignment & get out of handing in my Rat. prac.) then, when Roger M dropped the car in, mum could take me in. But the car never came. We heard from Roger after 12:00 (too late for me to catch a town bus in.. what’s the point of being there for 2 lessons?) so I stayed home. Tried to do english (I’m really having trouble doing this bloody assignment) but, when I gave up I stuck cards in my camp scrapbook. Jules came home (raining all day) & told me Mark had asked about me. I rang & talked briefly with Fi. Mark rang around 5:00, I think… was O.K. got ready & he & Keith (K. got his license (P’s) today!) drove round & picked me up. A bit yukky at first, at Earlville, but O.K. after. To town for a pizza, then home around 9:30 I think. Keith & Mark stayed for a cuppa coffee. Cutey. Gorgeous Marky. Left a little while ago (Is 10:35) …actually, about 40 mins or so, ago. Purity [I’d’ve meant ‘pretty’ but deliberately spelled it wrong to insinuate a ‘drawl’ (‘purr-itty’) unaware I was using another actual (unrelated) word] good day. Tomorrow will be even better!!!

Friday 8/5/87

Caught the bus in (Mark came with Keith) Double eng. just didn’t get assignment done, so finished it in 3rd period-art & handed it in at little lunch. Double art next was fun- in darkroom.. mucking round Steven, Jamie D, Keith, Mark. Got dirty – paint on the navy shorts & on my long sleeved grandpa shirt. Big lunch a bludge – can’t remember much (raining lots) Ingrid & I painted the donut sign in 6th & 7th (Mark & Steven visited) waited for the footy match to start..got umbrella off mum. CHS won of course-pouring rain- people huddling under umbrellas. Fete was boring sold lotsa donuts. Went to Fi’s shop & got dressed. At fete again saw Mark — he went to ‘booze’ up with the others. Came to dance again round 8:45. Danced, rested, danced. He went off to the loo .. was gone almost (or more than) 1 hr. Michael B said he saw him with Tricia. I got upset; telling people. When Mark came back, took me outside & revved me about Trust. (Keith’d told him I thought they were doing something) So he got angry & I cried. He told me he loved me so much. [Here I basically quoted a lot of what Mark said to me in the talk that ensued and I have chosen to ‘omit’ parts to respect his privacy.] Even Terry said “you don’t believe anything between Mark & Tricia. He loves you heaps.. so much.” Later he’d said things like [apologies, but again I feel I must omit some of the things he said, to respect his privacy] “…[omission]. It was the night I’d hoped to get with you..I so badly wanted you to go to that party. [omission] ..and now more than ever….[omission] This is long overdue .. we should’ve been together earlier.. if one of us had said how we felt ..because we both felt the same .. I stopped reading your 86 diary because I felt [omission] so bad seeing how hurt you were.” Then we danced. Rested. I danced & came back. He was crying. Said he was going & walked home in the→ [I crossed over to the next page…]

Saturday 9/5/87

rain. Wouldn’t let Keith drive him…wanted to walk. Wouldn’t tell me what was wrong.. left at 12:15 (Beka & Alan D are doin’ great!!!) Looks like Cameron & Nicole too. I think. Slept almost as soon as I got home. Woke around 10:10 this morning … read ’86 diary, up to where Mark said he’d stopped. [trying to ascertain what he may have ‘experienced’ as he read…] Otherwise watched music shows on TV till about 1:30 or 2:00 Thinking about the beautiful things he’d said & I feel really guilty ..I stuff things up all the time. [No, you don’t. It takes two to tango.] I’d asked him why he never admitted that he’d liked me & he said “I don’t know.” He said he’d thrown out his ’86 diary (not a really secretive one like mine, but not just a school diary) but I was all through it. I’m sure people were looking at us. We were just at the bottom of the steps [of Croswell Hall] outside the main entrance during the bulk of the fight. & when I cried. Went to pick up my bag from Fi’s.. could only have a very short talk to her. Read diary at home again – finished it. Did nothing but that all day. Mark didn’t ring me. I rang at 7:30, Mrs W. said he was at Keith’s relative’s 21st birthday party. And he was working from 9:00 tomorrow. So I watched TV tonight. Am kind of upset in a small way that he didn’t ring me. I wish I knew what was wrong. Rainy all day again. very cool. Wasted day, really. Hope he rings me tomorrow.. from work at least. Please, Mark: I love you so much .. let me know what’s troubling you. It’s me, I bet. It’s just after 12:00.

Sunday 10/5/87

A terrible day. I woke, wondering if he’d ring me But I rang him (around 11:30) in the end. And it was a very short call.. just as I’d thought: he was not at all talkative. I hung up disappointed. Cried so much. Then rang him later to get Keith’s phone number then I got upset with him.. hung up on a really terrible note. Rang Keith [seeking answers]. He said he was just in one of his moods..not angry with anyone in particular ..just angry. I felt better, a bit. Went to visit Nana [I’m fairly sure that by this time, she had moved into a nursing home community – residing in her own unit however, not yet interred in a ‘ward’…] (I did nothing today. Nothing at all, except cry & worry) came back wondered if I should ring & apologise. Made mum dinner …finally after 8:00, got on to Fi.. she said ring him. I did. I found out it was me he was disappointed with. So I feel really terrible again. Rang Fi back after & talked. I’m such an idiot. I HATE MYSELF. HATE. [This was written boldly, and the second ‘HATE’ took up two lines on the page. Evidently I felt pretty strongly at the time… but oh, so potentially damaging…] I hurt him. & me. too much. Not looking forward to school 2morrow. I feel terrible Need lots of sleep. I’m gonna die of an ulcer before I’m 20. [Clearly that hasn’t happened… but I’m surprised! I really was an expert worrier…]

Cardiovascular Conditioning & Sizzling My Scar (27 April-3 May)

Published on April 27, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 27/4/87

Periods are a pain in the arse. Bella was at school today – for a visit; I didn’t quite know what to say to her ..it was embarrassing. [I’m not exactly sure what I meant by this.. perhaps that, outside of our shared injuries/hospital experience I didn’t really know her, so didn’t know how to comfortably converse with her?] Also Mark gave back my necklace – has a rash on his neck & it’s irritating (wonder if it caused it ..or if that’s a subtle hint) [paranoia or gut feeling?] HOT (not really just warmer than usual – & sunnier most of the day!) Of all the people I told (about last night’s freaky experience.). they were all “shocked” except Mark- I thought so .. he doesn’t believe in that stuff, I gather. My day O.K. got on O.K. little lunch (end of) + what. I saw of him in big lunch & then in bio, I took his chair away from him & he hit the floor (then me, of course) But got shitty (muck ’round) & wouldn’t talk to me. I got worried of course ..when I rang him tonight, he sounded very bored ..vague disinterested said he hurt his leg again ..nothing to do with me – “don’t be silly” (I’ll bet it is though) Late night. Mark is so moody. . sometimes I really feel I don’t care. (But I always do, underneath, tho.) 10:50. HOT! Rushed art for nothing – found out I needn’t have handed in any if I chose! […part of the ‘Special Consideration’ I received due to the accident and its aftermath. Because I was absent from school for six weeks, my first term was effectively ‘wiped’ with respect to my final senior grading. In fact, my entire first semester was taken into account and bore less weight than the second in the end.] so 4/7 [pieces] ain’t bad!!

Tuesday 28/4/87

Went to see Kerri again this week..this arvy Just me..mum & Julia outside. I talked about how I understand my life situation and am going to tackle it ..front on..Kerri said I am a strong person [as have many others since] – she’s going to try & build up my confidence. Well, I felt sick this morning- it ended up being worry over Mark ..I still haven’t adjusted to his moods & sarcastic behaviour. Barely talked all day (even thru’ bio prac.. rat dissection!) till big lunch.. had a talk.. I felt a little better. have worked out yet another thing (we only solve things bit by bit in dribs & drabs) he is not ever bored with me – when I’m round, he is just so relaxed that he feels he doesn’t need to say anything. See? mmm, well.. told Mr Patty quickly today about Sun. night..he seems pleased (& believes) it happened. [Mr Patty was the teacher whose talk with me in hospital soon after the accident struck a chord, easing my mind and creating the basis of my spiritual belief system for Life. (Go to this post to revisit this experience). He’d said he believed that deceased loved ones will send you a message or some kind of sign that they’re there and are okay some time after they pass. Monique certainly did that for me, unequivocally.] I am for sure. I’m also excited again- I’m interested in school… but esp. social life .. I do more with Fi & Mima now …and of course still there’s Mark .. so I’m happy (also that Monique is there with me!) Can’t wait for Terry’s party this weekend. Fi & I (get Sharon to, too) wanna go. (I haven’t gotten “happy” for ages it seems!) [Rather than “not miserable” that “happy” actually refers to being “tiddly-drunk”…] Life has new meaning!!! Skin is clearing up. I’m Getting fatter argh!

Wednesday 29/4/87

10:30. 3rd night in a row – I can’t handle these late nights. Good day today. Bella was at school- in our bio. class. [I’m obviously more comfortable with her by now?] (my skin’s clearing up!) Caught the bus to school .. Mark talking (mostly about the starsign book – all day really) to me before school..during bio…little lunch… and big lunch.. cutey!!! In fact, a happy day all over! Recreation – aerobics; we were late (the Northland Buses forgot to come-that’d be right) [Northland were the owners of our ill-fated bus and I wasn’t a fan of them, understandably. Since initial police investigations implied that brake failure was the cause of the accident, there wasn’t a positive feeing toward them by the community in general either. I believe they ended up liquidating at some point after all the legalities (formal inquiries and trial) were finished…] Aerobics was hard … the hardest part mainly was the running & jumping exercises – the cardio-vascular work-out I couldn’t bear that too much. [Wimp! To be fair, I didn’t know how to breathe back then. Oh to have known the things I do now! At least I never wore the high cut G-string leotards & leg warmers! (see pic)] Realised so how much out of condition I am. [Um, were you ever IN condition?!] Wanna start riding to school again soon. Mark does weight training while we do aerobics (skint!) But I didn’t see him at all really. Julia said she did & that he sometimes looked at me Skint! [GAWD I hate that word! When the hell did I grow out of it?] Mr Grossetti took Fi & I home.. so I got home v. early.. read Dolly all arvy & tonite wrote out ‘Taurus Male-Cancer female’ essay for Mark for 2morrow. [Priorities? Messed. Up. Can’t do an english assignment overnight to save yourself but no problems writing one out for your boyfriend.] mm… I’m happy. or pleased. Today was nice, indeed. Even though it was bloody hot (esp. during aerobics!) Did no HW – argh! (FAT!)

Thursday 30/4/87

Another good day. (Asked “officially” to go to Terry’s party! Am going – you bet!) Talked quite a bit! (But today he was more crazy than ever.. acting wierd & silly) Then, we went late night shopping tonight, just the two of us – Jemima [privacy omission], Brent working (visited him) so Fi decided to leave us alone. It was good tonight – I asked him to the formal- he is my partner for sure & we’re wearing black & electric blue (& white – for his shirt) Unreal!! When talking to Brent he mentioned he was saving to take mima on a holiday at the end of the year..suggested Mark & I come with them to an island resort (Mark wants to go to the Gold Coast [Schoolies? It wasn’t quite the massive event back in the 80’s as it is now. In fact, I didn’t even know it existed…] (well, not really: wanted to go overseas, but had to settle for Gold Coast)) would be good if I could spend it with him. That’d be unreal. (Little worried before we went -when I’d rung him (after several ‘engaged’ attempts) said he’d been on the phone to Tricia.. what about? Scary.. but I soon forgot. He loves me.) Cannot wait for Saturday night!!! COOL! Is 10:10. Am buggared. Good ideas what to get Mark 4 Birthday! Sleep now… must sleep (saw Kylie – his old flame tonite – she’s short) [interesting choice of criticism…]

Friday 1/5/87

Mark is such a cutey! Came late today and I only got to talk to him at big lunch – he left ½-¾ way through it – was very tired & bored.. (Seemed a little shitty at little lunch- with Steven – not me) so I had another good day. Cannot wait for Terry’s party -Fi’s going & Justine (lots of people are!) I tried to ring Sharon but no answer (about 8:30) so will ring tomorrow. Went into town with Jules & mum… just little things… tried on my formal dress again- will need to lose weight for it- off the stomach only, really. [Also clearly didn’t know back then that you “can’t spot-reduce”] I love it!! Get it made in blue for Mark. Oh, I can’t wait Got my new camera working tonight! (Got it last nite at Earlville-it’s beaut!) [If it’s the one I’m thinking of, it was a funky red thing…] Am gonna take it tomorrow night (& lock it in Brent’s car when I’m finished with it.) Cannot wait! When I got home .. there were about 3 messages – all from Mark on the machine (what a cutie!) I’d wanted an early night. Fat chance it’s 10:35. Still too warm- when will winter hit us?!?

Saturday 2/5/87

Woke about 7:00- angry… I couldn’t sleep in longer.. today I did my crash scrapbook all day (almost)… well .. sticking in cards, that is .. I got them in order & began sticking them a few in.. cause there were so many interruptions… I went in to town to buy fixative [an art product] and, Ross & Thelma came over (leaving tomorrow I think) for a while. I tried to ring Sharon all day… only got onto her mum around 5:00- she couldn’t come. Just fuckin’ great. So I rang Fi & we decided when Brent went to pick up them, they’d come here & we could take Justine. So, finally at about 10:00 they came (I was so tense!) Brent & Fi went to pick up Thorstein..we stopped at a bottle shop.. at the party (heaps of people compared to last year) found Mark – drank my 3 Westcoasts (well, 2½).. was boring really. I was tired .. police came around so everyone had to go (about 11:30) I stayed sitting with Mark for ages … then I left around 1:00. Boring. Was an excellent start. Oh! Robbie was there & I said hello when I was talking to Maureen (she was looking for him at one stage) she said he said something (good) about me: wonder what? She was laughing about the fact that I got with him… [1987 witnessed my first ever ‘obligatory’ New Year’s Kiss… even though I wasn’t actually searching for it. This post will fill you in…] why did he blab? [Oh who knows, and what does it matter, Liss, really? The over-analytical mind feeds paranoid thought patterns…] Boring

Sunday 3/5/87

Got up around 9:00. so tired! Did nothing today – tried to do english but just couldn’t. [Ha. See?!] Nana came over today & Ross & Thelma too.. to see her before they left. Otherwise that was it. I sunbaked around 3:00-4:00…my scars (the white parts – I put zinc on the tender red bits-) are now pink & that will (hopefully) go brown. [Oh dear, I hope I didn’t actually do more damage. The aim was concealment: my idea was that by tanning the paler skin, the red keloid scarring would be less conspicuous.] Mark rang while I was in the shower, so rang back about 10/15 mins later. Talking cute. God, he’s gorgeous. I love him so much. (Realised it’s been a week tonight since Monique dropped “Walk Like An Egyptian” on the floor, for me to see – everybody I’ve told (& there were quite a few!) seems to believe!) [The message from my deceased friend was, and remains, one of the most impressive & unforgettable experiences in my life to date. Go to my previous week’s post for the details of the ‘occurrence’.] I’m seeing Mark tomorrow hopefully. Must do my assignment tomorrow or I’ll be in deep shit. Watched the movie- is now 10:40. Am so tired (Mark got ‘hit’ last night – there was a fight ‘tween Patrick O’S & PP – Patrick missed Peter twice – got Terry & Mark.) Poor Baby. Am gonna ask dad if Mark can come to Port Douglas for the wedding. [his marriage to my stepmother Jenny] Hope so. So much. Fete this Friday – cool!! NIGHT!

Emotional Depths & A Message From Monique (20-26 April)

Published on April 20, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 20/4/87

Um, was woken early by the others getting ready to go to Green Island… we dropped them off, went to the dump &, at home mum cleaned the car.. went to pick up the Dandos (remember them? John & Christine – – not the kids) [I am of course, asking to myself this question; not expecting you readers to know who these people were… Oh, and the answer is yes, I do remember them.] they stayed a while. All I did was finish covering my books & write out my chem. notes…no assignments done at all. SHIT. (all day!) The others came back around 4:00 (I cut mag. pictures & decorated my diary) After roast dinner (early) . . went to Nana’s (6:30) time flew . . at 7:30 I wanted to go ..slowly, so bloody slowly we finally got home 8:00. [I was too young and self-centred to realise that this was the last visit my aunt who lived interstate would have with her mother (Nana) before they left Cairns tomorrow. So very selfish, in hindsight…] I rang him as soon as I got in the door… cutie (short -10 min) phone call, just to hear his voice before school. After shower, watching NORTH & SOUTH & fucking mother turned it off & made us “have an early night” …it’s fuckin 9:40.. thats not fuckin early …what’s the fuckin point? It’s shit. She’s so dumb I’m not gonna get up at 5:00. . I can get ready in 10 minutes → we’re leaving 6:15 … I’m getting up at 6:00. FUCK YOU. [Well there’s a dummy-spit and a half! Kids really don’t like Discipline do they?!]

Tuesday 21/4/87

[My cousin wrote “Bye Lis ♥ Jo xox” on the first line of this page] I was cranky at being woken at 5:45… but, once they were gone (it was freezing at the airport!) [Really? Freezing in Cairns?] I was feeling better [hmm, that doesn’t sound very nice, but I’m quite sure it wasn’t anything personal toward my cousins; I would’ve meant that my crankiness dissipated by the time they left]. .a bit nervous going to school again… dunno why .. perhaps that I wasn’t wearing the bandage? Well, that wasn’t bad at all .. most people didn’t notice (well, didn’t stare when I looked at ’em – I didn’t notice anyone noticing) [Strangely, my self consciousness about my scar had a direct effect on my courage: not typically one to make eye contact with strangers, I brazenly held my gaze upon those who noticed it, as most of them would eventually look up from leg to my face. (To assign identity? Or search for a clue in the owner’s face of the story behind the deformity?) Having grown up believing it was rude to stare, there may have been a certain self-righteousness driving my courage: by catching them gawking was I hoping to embarrass them for their overt curiosity?] s’posed to be 19º tonite YAY!! Mark & I got on v. well!! Spending lotsa time together (argh – mozzies.) Had a biro fight in biology ..almost serious (was saying to Fi . . I think we can sense (well I do) when our “picking” is getting too close to a fight & thus “back off” at least a little! now Cool, great!) He rang me this arvy – wowee!!! We are becoming slightly more openly affectionate (ie: at school etc in public) Almost had a blue on the phone tonite ..but solved again! I wanna serious talk to him soon.. ask him how I’m going… whether I’m doing anything now that bugs him (I’m doing everything else he asked … talking to him – going up to him – relaxing (I think!)) [OMG, who IS this person?! The proverbial doormat? Why so eager to please, to change, for one person? Even if you’re not one to believe in Karmic debts or patterns, it’s obvious that he was an important ‘teacher’ and that this relationship presented me with some significant life lessons, for which I can only be grateful.] Walked to shop this arvy…got mima & fiona easter goodies. Am getting so fat. . . I think it may be my Freddy soon, that’s the prob! [For those that mightn’t have heard of it before, ‘Freddy’ was (yet another) slang term for menstruation…] Early! Is only 8:55 & I’m ready 4 bed!

Wednesday 22/4/87

I’m really scared. I mean really scared.. about my future. My life. These horrible feelings I have…that life is pointless [uh-huh! here it is..]. .and it all has mainly to do with Mark [oh, no, not what I was thinking…]…he is very bored (I rang him briefly tonight) with life and (we nearly had a big fight tonight) it is getting me… I feel it, too [but Elissa, you are very sensitive and often subject to the moods of others…] and it scares me.. we are too young to be sick of life already … and another thought.. no matter how I try, I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone the way I love Mark [well, to begin with, you can’t TRY to love people…] ..even when I go to Brisbane ..I’ll always have him on my mind. That’s scary, too, to think I love him so much, when I haven’t loved a guy before. [There’s always a first, for every one, in every thing…] I am capable of very deep love .. but incapable of getting over a broken love (as deep as that) I’m sure I know what’ll happen – he’ll find someone for himself, who he’ll love more than me & want to marry & I’ll still love him because I can’t get him out of my mind or heart, to love another guy… Or try to. [Good news, people; my pessimistic predictions were wrong… I didn’t suffer a loveless life. What a tragic-romantic!] Boring day. School always is … Life is. I did HW tonight. It rained today. I got my senior badge. Went grocery shopping with mum after school. Ate a lot of junk. [….and THAT would’ve helped your mood. Not.]

Thursday 23/4/87

I felt kind of happy today. I still felt depressed & scared this morning.. I said I wished I’d died in the crash and so mum made an appointment with kerri [the social worker from my hospital stay, with whom I’d had the best connection] for after school. I actually hung around Mark less today..and I think it made me feel better for it …before school a little, during bio, a little of recess, a little at big lunch (was with Fi, Seigi, Nicole, Juliet the rest _ _ he missed me too: looking for me!) & minute after school. So I was happy when I went to see Kerri.. but talking brought up all my fears, worries & depression. I realised, however, that Kerri was right- I’m depending on Mark only (that’s too much for him) …I know what I need ..spend more time with Fiona, Mima, Sharon .. do the things I used to do…go out, to parties etc.. without Mark .. to free him & get some excitement or change of scene for me.. then I’ll enjoy other things more! [Hallelujah. Yes, Be Your Own Person: Life Lesson 101!] Rainy – pouring late this arvy & tonight. 9:34. I must have a positive outlook to make me feel better Pessimism always nags me, tho’. I actually started some art today! Getting fat (& periods)

Friday 24/4/87

It’s raining – I love rain at night. Today was good, indeed. I didn’t talk before school & very little at little lunch ..when we did see each other at big lunch & after school.. we were happier ..for sure (well I was!) I think the less time we spend together ..the more sacred & exciting our time together becomes. And that’s what I need; excitement .. I am seeing a difference in my life .. I’ve acquired a primarily positive outlook! [Wow, that was quick, like the flick of switch? At risk of sounding like the pessimist I can be, let’s see how long it lasts…] Lotsa HW this weekend..english assignment & art contract due Monday. Went home in Brewer’s combi – Brent drove it to school- stopped at Kentucky Fried! Mark rang – said he’s working 1pm-9pm Sat. night – can’t go bowling (with me, mim, Brent, Fi ..) but we’ll get around that, we decided (HOW? Well, that we didn’t decide) went to see PLATOON Gory – gruesome. Brent, Steven & Keith were there too. (M&I walked around town first- met Gordon C. & Clayton E. & Russell C.) Dropped Keith home as well as Mark. Mark is being so much nicer lately. . . I have 2 theories as to why ..either it’s because I feel happier that he is, or appears to me to be, [well hello! here’s a hint of the Law of Attraction] OR he has hi’s & lo’s in his personality depending on moods & he just happens to be in a good one

Saturday 25/4/87

I woke around 9:20!! Wow! Watched TV & listened to music & doing (little) homework all day… rang mima twice, Sharon once. She rang me once again & I rang Mark & he rang me. Well, I had a shower etc when mima fi & Brent came, Sharon was late. Off to Kentucky Fried (yummy! laughs!) Bowling was fun! I came last in the 1st game, but 2nd in the 2nd! Big jump! .. I needed to warm up first, that’s why I did badly 1st game. [Also, I’ve never been a star athlete… but if I try my hand at something I can usually master it, over time.] Well I rang Mark from the alley to say we’d be a little longer. It was O.K. . he’d only just got home. (Found out I’d forgotten to change before I left home..thought all night I’d leak ..but was so surprised when I got home .. NOTHING at all!!! Only night 3, too!) [I guess there’s no need to explain what that was all about?] Picked Mark up . . party boring, very boring at first ..but soon we started holding hands etc. almost got ‘there’ [no, still not what y’all think!] but this guy came up & talked to him for ages..so I had to go.. he came to say goodbye. . only 1 big kiss Poopy! said he’d ring me tomorrow (rainy weather still!) Oh, I wish (!!) Fi & I once on our way home realised (we both had wanted to stay!) we had enough $ between us, to get a taxi home. TOO LATE!

Sunday 26/4/87

Today was boring, but something very freaky happened tonight. I woke just before 9:00 & spent (what time I did) the day doing my art.. have 3 left to do. . . argh! (Mucking around, otherwise) Mark rang me during my dinner ..at work (he was) talked briefly- a customer came in. Oh well .. I was doing my work, listening to the radio [via my walkman, so I had headphones on] (at the dining room table – Julia in her armchair) I heard a “thump” [it wasn’t loud, I saw something out of the corner of my eye…] ..looked at a 45″ record (single) on the floor. Took little notice for a few seconds ..How did it get there, from being wedged in the mantelpiece thingy? Turned off my radio [removed my headphones] & bent down to pick it up. Guess what it was .. Walk Like An Egyptian… the only 45″ we own, that was one of Moni’s favourite songs. I was a little frightened, but mostly bewildered & shocked. FREAKY ..or just coincidence? Wow. when I told Jules, I could tell she was scared (not very scared.. just shaken up.) [We put the record on, to ‘acknowledge’ her…] Anyway, I feel spooked a bit, thinking about it..but I’m not scared.. If it was Monique .. I’m glad she let me know she’s there. [There’s no doubt in my mind that it was Monique. I analysed the situation over and over and there’s NO other explanation. The windows were closed so there was no air movement. And our numerous 45″ records were firmly wedged by a basketful of cassettes into a recess (shelf) in “the mantelpiece thingy” (which was directly behind me as I worked at the dining room table). Further inspection revealed that the shelf inclined towards the front (opening) so anything rolling forward out of it would defy laws of Physics. What are the chances? What are the chances that of all the singles records we owned, the one that meant the most to Monique, rolled out of its cover, forward out of an up-slanting shelf, to land right-side up, by my feet? I’m sorry if you’re a skeptic, but that shit doesn’t just happen. That’s WAY beyond coincidence.]

https://youtu.be/SK32YwjfCMc

Red-Eye Radio, Dead Roses & Heavy Hypotheticals (30 March-5 April)

Published on March 30, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 30/3/87

Ugh! It seemed like he was avoiding me – came very late, rushed out of maths (to do a geography exam – so not ‘around’ at little lunch) Not round during beginning of big lunch – but near tuck-shop met him & Keith. Said he’d tell me in biology [whether we were still an item or not]. During bio he sat with Duane & Alan C away from me – waiting for me to come up to him .. our talk after school didn’t do much …but I think we’re still “going for it” ..just need to try harder [Again, what does this mean? Try harder to what? Not be yourself?].. phoned me this arvy- ended up talking rubbish (jokes) I don’t know.. sometimes he seemed so negative ..but [privacy omission] “did you really think I was going to break it off?”. I really didn’t know. I thought that’s what he thought was the “practical” thing to do. So my day was depressed & nervous. (stood on bus talking to Fi on the way home .. she helps me so much.) Big talk to Jules about the crash tonight – did no study for bio exam tomorrow. Will fail for sure. 9:45. OOPS!

Tuesday 31/3/87

MMMM… couldn’t go up to him this morning ..embarrassed – no; unsure. Double maths – I got my own computer now!! And I did very well in my programming!! [That’s about all we did with computers back in the day… or at least, that’s all I can recall ‘learning’…] Happy with myself indeed! Talked little at little lunch . . I went up to him! During bio exam (Ha, ha, ha… biggest failure out . . terrible) I sat next to Donna. He “nicked off” at big lunch . . to begin with (computer room) talked little & after school. & he rang me just before – always going on about the “in-depth talk” 2 things I’ve gotta give him 2morrow – (1) The big talk & (2) (finally I got it out of him) a big kiss. (Also [I] said about my going up to him- I thought I did well for the first day – [privacy omission]) Otherwise, boring, hot day . . walked down to the shop with Jules. (leg uncovered) this arvy -both got skint [I had hoped I’d’ve stopped using this silly word – meaning ’embarrassed’ in this particular context – by now] (swearing in front of people accidentally) [It’s quite interesting how swearing was still considered so impolite back then that we actually felt ashamed being ‘caught’ doing it.] Life is boring without Monique. All I talk about now is Mark. [Yup.] God its hot (even tho’ we’re getting low at night) Leg’s O.K. Gettin’ better (I guess!)

Wednesday 1/4/87

APRIL FOOL’S DAY I realised this is the 2nd last week before the holidays (Mark or Cameron didn’t fool me- or try to.. a guy in my bio class did tho .. said “why’s your bandage on your left leg?” I looked down- just about to say “no it’s on my right” – too late! Mark [privacy omission] wasn’t in bio .. Spent rather little time with him really & it wasn’t so crash-hot.. I think I should’ve rung him tonight (in art splashed yellow ink all over the front of me – had to wash my shirt + put it in Home EC[onomics] dryer (wore a paint shirt meanwhile). Mum picked me up & we went shopping during recreation Mark went weight-training. Read Dolly this arvy – no news on my bio test ..not many others have done well. Brent came over to borrow our typewriter stayed for a bit of a talk (’bout the crash mostly) Mark & I have to get together [read: hook up] sometime, I feel, before everything’s right again. [Because a bit of pashing will solve everything, right?] ∗ Beautiful rainy, windy cool weather late this arvy & tonite!

Thursday 2/4/87

Good day (I mean, this arvy, with Mark, at least) I thought he was away – not at parade, or in bio or maths. In art, after periods 3, little lunch & 4 (english comprehension exam – I stuffed- didn’t get finished) Paula said she saw him come in late to the exam. Absent for lots of big-lunch, then end part -was great – we laughed so much (I couldn’t relax my facial muscles from a smile) and after school (& on the phone tonight) all mostly about Greg & what he told me [back in 1986, when I first discovered that Mark might have been interested in me.. here’s the link to it], but also about the picture I drew of Mark, that Glyn saw last year (remember?) [Vaguely…. and as a result, I unfortunately can’t for the life of me find the relevant post to direct you to…] SKINT! I should’ve done an english assignment tonight, but didn’t – too lazy (and forgot to write a note in phonetics for mark – reckons he can read it) I’ve read astrology book all arvy – Cancer woman & Taurus man (by Linda Goodman) are so much like Mark & I – it’s unbelievable. [Really?] I must work harder in subjects. [Duh.] (Beautiful rain again this vary- so cool. It’s 9:35. I’ve gotta get to sleep so I can write a quick essay tomorrow… Ugh! LOVE YOU, MARK

Friday 3/4/87

Today was good, indeed! Spent more time with him than I ever have before (at school or on a school day, anyway) -before school (showed him the little picture of him- he’s got it, now.) & little lunch – (I “unpicked” my jumper band – and he kept it!) Big lunch & for a few seconds after school (I thought it wasn’t too cool so I wanted to ring him- at 8:00 he wasn’t home – at work – his newly acquired job [privacy omission] when he rang me at 8:45 when mum finally got off the phone to her cousin Michael. (sweet phone call, from Keith’s – has to work tomorrow nite so can’t go to Bramston Beach – is coming over 2morrow! Beautiful!!!!) English (Mr Grossetti realised he made a date mistake) is deadline next Friday not today – so I’m off the hook (for the time being!) Cool day…wore my jumper most of it (rainy & cool esp. this arvy & now) spent after school listening to FM radio 4CCR – Mark listens to it you see! I feel Mark is all I have – Fiona is Jemima’s [how’s all this ‘ownership’ business?!]– all that stuff she wrote about wanting to be my best friend is crap. I think at the moment she’s “fighting” me for Fiona – thinks I’m taking her or something. [Great assumption, Liss.] That’s STUPID. [Uhuh…]

Saturday 4/4/87

Good! Although he didn’t come over >sob< I woke around 7:45 (to mum’s voice) my haircut – short fringe (eyebrows) looks so cute! when I leave it brushed down flat – page-boy style (almost grown into full bob!) [I’m thinkin’ it would’ve looked something akin to the ‘do in the picture to the right…] Julia got a perm! (Bodywave) [yes, perms were still very trendy back then] looks cute, too! I cleaned out my drawers what time I didn’t spend on the phone to Mark (or watching TV/listening to music) – that badly needed doing .. not enough sun to sunbake or even bleach my hair. 1st phone call was muck around – neat? The one I called at 4:00 (woke him up – said he wasn’t allowed & didn’t think he needed to call me to tell me – hmph! I was waiting for him to arrive!) lasted 1 hour. Near the end we got serious ..something led on from my “living in a dream”…on to us being married etc . . our future together (I told him how I fantasise (dream) about possibilities & he was asking me “hypothetical” (dream) questions [privacy omissions] (I didn’t realise!) But it’s certain we’ll be together “for a while, yet” (at least this year, I think!) ♥ is this [puppy] love? YEP! [YEP!]

Sunday 5/4/87

I got to sleep around 4:00 this morning – listening to 4CCR FM Stereo 12-4 Party & Dance music – I was so tired – so restless. bored – but I kept listening in case something I knew (liked a lot) came on. Not really good. I tidied off my desk today – being a handy woman … nailed (put hooks) in the exposed beams & hung up the basket of dead roses & my fern. [A basket of … DEAD roses? Sounds morbid I know, but it was a Monique thing. She loved dead roses – used them in some of her artwork – so they held a great deal of sentimental value to me …even though I can’t recall where I would have gotten them. Something tells me her parents may have bequeathed me hers?] Cute! (Funny thing is I’m not tired after such a late night!) Think I’m getting a stye. My leg’s great – fading (slowly) but quickly!!?!! Mark rang (dunno what time, but) after lunch & we mostly joked – no more serious talk (except, I think, when I told him about my day’s “handiwork” – he said “so you’re going to build our house?” I think.) I didn’t do any HW this weekend. STUPID Wasted day. Wasted weekend – rainy, even more today. . cool weather is beautiful!! I should get to bed soon -or I’ll be too tired. I love Mark so much. (what’s new?!!)

The Seniors Induction & Emotional Rollercoaster Lows (23-29 March)

Published on March 23, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 23/3/87

Mr Perrem came over this arvy.. stayed for tea. He is very upset still- it’s obvious. He was upset. Said every time he saw me, Monique was with me & told me how she went straight to the phone when she got back from Brissy & was disappointed that I wasn’t home. It was quite sad – but I only cried once. [It’s so good to know that I was important to her: it’s always nice to receive substantiation from highly reliable sources, isn’t it?] Got no HW done consequently. Day at school started off good- Mark gave me a baby picture of him – chubby chops!! (cutey!) 6 months old. Didn’t show many people my leg. Good muck around day. Till after school- – Megan said “Did you hear about what happened Friday night?” I said “What?” – She wouldn’t tell me …then ..Steven & Glyn whispered something. I got all shitty – Mark must’ve done something Friday night .. with [privacy omission](??) BITCH. I calmed down after after school. . it’s his loss.. I couldn’t be bothered ringing him & arguing .. I’ll ask tomorrow. He’s the one who has to live with the guilt if he’s lying to me. But I know he loves me. I cannot understand you, Mark W. YOU’RE WIERD. [I consistently spelled this word wrong!]

Tuesday 24/3/87

Terrible day. I was preoccupied with my dilemma.. I was a bit vindictive at little lunch- juice (popper) fight. During double biology ..Mark got “picked on” by our teacher .. got shitty after that & I was afraid to talk to him all during big lunch, and after school however 7th period, chem; cameron “told” me he didn’t do anything with [privacy omission]. Megan the rumour-spreading liar [I discovered who was actually being truthful eventually… many, many years later…] I felt embarrassed to have worried at the start. So wrote him a note. Cameron gave it to him.. but he didn’t wave when we “honked” on the way home. & no phone call tonight. Hope everything’s O.K. for tomorrow. Justine came round this arvy. Brent tonite for Fi’s chem book. shame! I’d just gotten out of the shower. must wake early tomorrow -lots to do. Jeez I hope Mark talks to me tomorrow. So tired! 9:30 Uh!

Wednesday 25/3/87

A terrible day; really horrible …he ignored & avoided me. I was so upset at times… watery eyes. I must’ve pissed off so many people with my mood. In bio he sat at the other end of the bench with Chris (me on my own) & they were saying some pretty terrible things. C: “W, who’re you taking to the formal?” M: “I dunno.” GREAT!! [sounds quite like a contrived conversation?] It got worse this arvy. Fi & Jussy & I helped prepare for the BBQ ..in recreation time – went to Jussy’s to get ready – mima too. They’d [the boys, I assume?] been to the Esplanade.. came around 5:00-5:30. Ignored me ..finally…took me away by the hand…explaining his friends need him ’cause they’re all only just realising about the crash now- upset etc – sorry to “neglect” me ..said he really needs me (thought I was shitty with him.) Ha! Everything’s normal! [Yep… back to your normal gullible self!] – we talked ..we have a “communication problem” & need to “spend some time 2gether alone to fix it.” No HW done – bags under my eyes are disgusting!! Stood up too much today – knees sore. I ran today, too (not fast – not for long) LOVE YOU M&M. [I think M&M meant Monique and Mark]

Thursday 26/3/87

Hung round a fair bit till ½ way through big lunch- he was mucking around telling me not to go near him, talk to him, touch I’m or look at him. But he got too serious for me. [Here we go again…] And now I’m upset. I can’t believe we “fix” it up then something happens again, to break it down. It’s all the other people [oh really?] – we get on better, totally alone. [Well, that’s functional and realistic…] Rainy today ..cool, beautiful. That’s upsetting (not the weather) about Mark, I mean – he’s so nice at times. I need an early night – almost 9:30 now _ I started a new canvas in art – did chemistry HW this arvy. Am in dire straits, concerning work. I’m not going to do well at all – I don’t know anything .. it’s terrible. [Mum could never have afforded tuition for me, but I probably wouldn’t’ve wanted it being the proud perfectionist I was. Little did I know however, that the entire first term of year 12 was to be excluded from the consideration of my overall achievement for the year, and in fact, my final score was primarily weighted on the second semester alone …thanks to the accident…] Leg’s O.K. getting better slowly, but quickly – swelling no less. Dunno about my hair. I’d like to grow it but everyone thinks it’s better short (mark wants it that way) SHIT can’t we get it right?? [I clearly didn’t know back then that it wasn’t possible to change people…]

Friday 27/3/87

Brent, Glyn, Cameron, Jason (P.) & Mark were away ..at volleyball or baseball trials. All got there in time for the induction, however. Rainy & cold (mostly) today .. double english was boring- Nigel & I mucked ’round Mr Grossetti sprung me with bubble gum! “Raced” (ran!!) to art … boring day – painting in art. Induction practise. Was chaotic!! Carrying chairs from the library to the hall! Mark, Cameron & Glyn came just in time. Didn’t see much of them. He’s ignoring me again – shitty. Probably thinks I’m shitty with him. It’s NOT FAIR. WHY, WHY can’t we get along normally?? I love him so much. I wish he’d ring me, apologise & take me out. somewhere. I want so badly to be with him. Stop hurting me, Mark. PLEASE. Love me. [This is so cringeworthy! It is actually ‘painful’ to now see so clearly the poor choices I made, and not even in the ‘name of love’ but simply pure, unadulterated naiveté. Desperately wanting this particular male specimen to be my Ideal, meet all MY expectations… oh I had so much to learn!] Induction – slow & boring, but Edith & I had a laughing fit, though. talking to lotsa people – Mrs B, Cameron’s mum, Mrs K, Mr Roff, at the afternoon tea afterwards. [To be honest, I don’t remember this occasion at all. It’s a formal school tradition, observed annually with each fresh new batch of Year 12’s.]

Saturday 28/3/87

I rang him. It was not a very good call at all..he’s “thinking over” tomorrow & on Monday will tell his decision .. whether we keep going out or not. [You can’t make any decisions, Liss? Beautifully set up for a weekend full of Anxiety…] From what I gather, he is very puzzled as to why I don’t come up to him during school time etc. I said I’m scared ..self conscious [fearing reactions, maybe?] – something he can’t understand. I’m so distressed… if we have another arguement after this that will be the end, for sure Oh, I’m so worried & upset .. I wish we could be on holidays & spend each day together, alone. That’s the best. (Today I slept in late. Did little HW, mucked ’round most of the day – watching TV, eating! Mrs R (Nola) came round tonight – had in depth talks about death, eternity & everything. Julia’s at the movies) Got good night’s sleep last night – 9½hrs at least. Rang Fi (before Mark) she tried to help, but I still was apprehensive about calling. It’s 11:25. Am tired, mate!

Sunday 29/3/87

Jeez, I’m nervous. Not too much, but still, I’ll get worse, I know. I have a feeling everything will work out, but I’m still a little worried .. in case it is, by some very slight chance “NO” ..or after it, we have yet another disagreement & that decides it .. we’re through. (I studied bio today – not much (only 1st Ch.) and also went for a swim at Justine’s this arvy – she wasn’t home ..Mrs McP & mum chatted. Otherwise stuffed around) But I woke around 9:30 this morning 9½hrs sleep!! Wow! The day went rather slowly – rainy & sunny – wierd weather. Should have an early night – try to relax ..everything will be fine. I rang Fi & told her- she couldn’t really say much to make me understand him or me. Crikey, I hope it’s O.K. I’ve got to try harder than ever. [Try harder at what?] 8:50 – listening to Take 40 I’ve lost weight for sure – my legs look so slim I must buy high-cut togs – they’d suit me better.

Surgery, Seat Belts & the Birth of my Spiritual Belief System (16-22 February)

Published on February 16, 2015 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 16/2/87

Feeling still very depressed. The doctors caught up with me today. (Dining room for breakfast & lunch. were late for brekky …squashy next to 2 black guys ..PAINFUL) [I’m quite certain this was a statement of discomfort rather than racist ‘slur’, for those who may be wondering…] After my shower they came back. Wasn’t too painful… they took out the drains. Redressed my leg after a while. 2 dressings a day now… this arvy, mima was with me. Fi came in, too. Mark didn’t come today- I knew he wouldn’t. Probably won’t tomorrow, too. But he should come before 3 weeks. See, I’m going to surgery (skin graft for the big hole, stitch up the little hole) on Wed, then I’ll be in about a week after that. Then Drs say I have to spend at least 2 weeks at home. No I won’t. [Um, if the doctors say so…] I’m missing too much schoolwork. & friends. Dad told me yesterday: Jenny & him are getting married in May. I was shocked, but hid the surprise good as possible. Jacque visited. Boring, depressed.. my leg feels like no progress still hurts as much to stand now as it did when I first did – I’m not getting used to the blood rushing down, thru’ the sore. Painful, still. Tania gave me a big photo frame with photo of me, moni, fi, sharon & mima taken end of last year, It’s beautiful. Monique is beautiful. ♥ her 4eva.

Tuesday 17/2/87

I went to the Valentine’s Dance! On crutches!! Tania drove me. I’d had painkillers – walking, sitting etc was a breeze!! [I found another notation elsewhere that also mentioned I got in for free!] Felt so good today… I mean tonight … walking, etc.. I’ve improved heaps – can lift my leg straight, in the air. Just finished dressing …did it when I came back.. (while after) about 9:00. surgery tomorrow. very few visitors. Oh, I’m tired. Sleep well. Ha! Mark wasn’t there tonight, but he’s going to the swim. carnival tomorrow – I won’t be allowed. Have to stay flat in bed for 3 days…will be murder getting on crutches again. The “report” on the bus accident on the Today Show was disappointing. Not much about the actual crash.

[Of course by this time there were preliminary investigations under way but very little had been published, since a formal inquiry was to be held at a future date. Naturally there was media & public speculation about the cause of the accident and associated discussions about prevention. The most prevalent opinion was that wearing seat belts would have saved lives. Absolute RUBBISH. One look at the bus wreckage should be totally explanatory. Interestingly enough, there was an article in the Cairns Post on this topic (not however in the manner of my specific argument) on Friday 20 (see below). I’m not against seat belts at all (if it’s even possible – per the article) but if WE had been strapped into our seats when that bus roof sheared off & seats were ripped from their places, the death toll would’ve been much higher…] Oh, I’m upset..Tania said to me tonight – talking to [privacy omission] he said something about Mark wanting to _ _ _ _ me She said they were pretty close… I’m upset; is that all Mark wants?? [Well, he’s a teenaged boy…?] I like him so much.. so very much… Oh, I’m so worried. . . . Too bad if I forgot anything – I’m so tired. Night. . . painful leg – skin graft oooh It’s 10:30

Wednesday 18/2/87

I was late – I mean THEY were [for surgery]. I was s’posed to go in at 8:00, but I got my pre-op(eration) needle at 8:30, and was taken up awhile after that. I waited for ages, up there, dozing & finally around 10:00 I think I was rolled in & soon after, given the “knock-out” needle. When I woke, drowsy, really drowsy I was in heaps of pain. Finally got back down here around 11:45. Crying & whinging in pain. [I don’t seem to have diarised anything about this but sometimes the nurses would administer needles for pain relief, rather than just oral pills. I can’t recall the name of the drug, but I do remember asking for it on a few occasions. I can imagine this would be one of the moments they would not have denied me.] It soon settled. Spent the rest of the day lazing . . dozed a little around 5:00. Mark came up today – but to see Trina he reckoned. I think he’s shitty with me. (Oh, my leg’s so itchy) Doctor told me I didn’t have a skin graft after all – GREAT, HUH?! The flesh repairing was so elastic they could just stitch it up!! No major scars! Great! [Oh how the tables turned in just a few days’ time…and months later I begged my mother to try to recall whether she had signed any consent forms that specifically outlined the surgeons’ original intentions…] No major visitors (‘cept Mark) …I mean very few but the ones who came were nice. A case of quality, not quantity. [Of course ALL of my visitors were ‘nice’!] Another school kid’s bus crash in N.Z. about 5 people killed… not nearly as badly smashed as our bus, was their’s. [Competitive? Sheesh. Trying to source information about this accident was almost as difficult as it is to find information about ours on the net. This article celebrates the growth & success of one of the survivors of the Woodford House girl’s school bus accident which killed two students, two teachers & the driver. The victim doesn’t recall anything of the accident, waking up with permanent paraplegia two weeks later in hospital.] It’s just after 9:00. I may be going home soon. Keep thinking about mark.. he wouldn’t be after “one thing”.. he writes too much caring stuff. He doesn’t intend to ever hurt me

Thursday 19/2/87

A “down’ Day, definitely: few visitors, pain in my leg. Hurts to walk: put it this way…I can’t anymore… I can’t straighten my leg and find it easier to ‘hop’ on my left leg, keeping the right foot totally off the ground. But tonight, after doing my teeth I kept up [stayed up] & went for exercise walk …keeping foot on floor, stretching & bending knee as much as possible. [In hindsight, this makes me cringe.] mima, Fi, Brent, Jason came up at lunchtime – Mark was at school. . he didn’t come up here. I think I should’ve written a note for mim to give to him for me. Of course I care that he doesn’t visit me… I care a lot. Am getting anxious… hope Trish doesn’t get hooks into him. (Tania visited this morning…had to work rest of the day.. BOOHOO! She’s leaving tomorrow-MISS HER! Hope I can get out to see her off – have a prezzy for her silver bracelet (sterling.)) My leg- how can it be – I walk fine Tues. & after an operation am reduced to square one -again: A veggie? Is 9:30. Try to get to sleep. Ate little (cos too lazy to go to dining room for meals – too sore.)

Friday 20/2/87

* Another down day. Still painful…worse to walk. Trina left this arvy, around 2:00 I think. This morning, the doctors came- but not all of them… thanks to the charge sister, Lisa, they decided to take my dressing off On the way, he [one of them?] called me a sook. Bastard. It stuck a bit & it hurts so much. [I still cannot grasp the insensitivity of these medical ‘professionals’…] So, after, I waited about ½hr before someone redressed it, then, too late to have a shower, I dressed & mum took me to see Tania off. No tears shed. But I’ll miss her. Another friend gone. [Developing a life ‘theme’?] Showered after I got back (had lunch – a pie – got some food) Few visitors .. Mrs McI gave me a beautiful book (for end of 9 yrs of speech-huh? That’s not right…yep! it is!) Mr Paddy & Yru (came seperately, but) talked in depth about the crash..esp. Mr Paddy …he helped me understand/accept death etc .. It’s still scary to me…but I’m sure it’s a big step to recovery of shock. [I’d never had anything to do with Mr ‘Paddy’ (I got his surname wrong) since he was a Music teacher, but this conversation had an incredibly massive impact upon me. I believe it was the catalyst for the development of my entire spiritual belief system, for life. All he did was offer his ideas about ‘what happens’ after we ‘pass over’ but it put me at ease by intimating that death is not ‘The End’. So I came to believe in reincarnation or at least, endurance of Spirit. One particular suggestion he made actually came to pass just a few months later; it was an indisputable experience and perhaps this is what irrevocably cemented my belief, and therefore eternal gratitude, love & respect for him.] Mark didn’t come. I’m really worried. [Privacy omission] mentioned something about sex today, too… it would absolutely break me if that’s all he wanted – I know it’s not ..I think …some little doubt in side …well, my mind’s made up.. he’s not going to get it, ever . . till I’m ready -and that’ll be ages. [He] told me he did to [privacy omission]..didnt really surprise me much 8:55

Saturday 21/2/87

They told me I could go home today. But I didn’t. I wanted to stay in til Monday. Everyone probably thinks I’m crazy- I s’pose I am – but I’m smart; I’ll stay in just to be sure -no infections. [If there was ever a point in my life up till then that I should have respected myself for heeding my ‘Gut’, this was it…] And besides; my visitors have to be told!! [oh you Social Butterfly you!] On Monday I’d also like to see the physio & drs before I go They took out the drain this morning- my leg’s quite a bit better! Walking a bit easier!! Except for Mark’s visit, today was an “up” day.. he came – we got on alright…but he left the same way he did the last 2 times..without saying goodbye…just walking off in a shit..I’d said something about him being mean to me [and then] “well you can leave” … [so he answered] “alright I will” ..he walked off & didn’t come back. That upset me. I really am worried about if he does like me. (God it’s hot.) he’s so moody; impatient I can’t understand him. We really need a good talk.. it’ll be a long time though.. you can’t really talk well in a hospital..or even at school. Oh, I’ve a headache… feel hot..feel terrible. Can’t sleep very well. Quite a few visitors..very lazy day. Oh . . . I fell terrible. Must try to sleep.

Sunday 22/2/87

What a waste of a day. Here I was thinking I’d get hoardes of visitors:- mum, the McKenzies (principal), Justin F & Wayne C. That’s it. Leg’s O.K. I get pain “jabs” – throbbing now & then…but noticed walking is getting a bit better. Totally boring day… so sleepy, but couldn’t sleep. Thinking about mark…. I thought maybe that I’d changed & he’d changed (y’know – from the crash’n’everything) and we just don’t “click” anymore. Oh I wish everything was “normal” again. home tomorrow – I have mixed feelings about that, too. . . good cos’ I’ll get work done (less visitors) & be able to exercise my leg – go for walks (crutches!) BUT – I’m apprehensive – haven’t been home since before the camp – before the crash that’s 3 weeks exactly…the memories – it’s going to be different – “overwhelming” is the word I think of. [Wow, well said.] Oh dear… Hot (-ish) today. Didn’t see Jules. Mike B went to see her this arvy, mum said. Wo, Jules!! ♥ mark – u poop! DAMN YOU