confusion – Page 2 – A Life in Words

Radio Tunes, Self Talk & A Freaky Incident with My Best Friend (10-16 November)

Published on November 10, 2014 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 10/11/86

I didn’t talk to him; ignored him as much as possible. What am I going to do? Everybody knows I like him – I have to get to be friends ..then – hope. NO! You don’t need him! You can have Phillip C. THAT’S YUMMY! And he likes you. He’s nuts about you!! He wouldn’t hurt you! Mark is missing out. He hasn’t realised yet that I’m the best thing that’s happened to him… I’m perfect for him ..but it’s his loss if he can’t realise it… I’ll be loved by others. And I’ll love them. He can suck! I’ll be his friend (Cameron’s my best tho’) [Well, if that wasn’t a rant and a half. Backflips, assumptions, predictions and precocious self-talk. Ah, the mental dialogue…] My work is getting ahead of me – I’m in trouble! (Art, especially.) Must try harder. Missed aerobics cos of work Did rather little, too! Listening to the radio – play all the good songs at night Yo! ho! ho! [←?? excited much?] I had 2 pieces apple pie + lotsa chips today! UMAH!!! Is almost 9:00 Nite!!

Tuesday 11/11/86

It’s about 10:50. A special ‘Beatle’s ‘documentary’ just finished. Their ending (split) was so depressing But I love (most) the music. [So did my bestie, Monique. It’s another one of the things that I felt defined her… or defined her to me at least] Today I kept ignoring Mr. Up Himself. Also realised how much strife I’m in, concerning work: especially art. [Really? You’re only realising now? Are you sure? Coz I’ve heard this a number of times before…] (my studies are not progressing either) but mainly my art – have to know what I’m handing in for the exhibition by this Friday. [I came to realise that I only perform under pressure. This leaving-everything-to-the-last-minute only gets worse…] Oh well. Boring school is. It’s going too fast. Cameron was away today. No one (barely) I knew went to the BBQ (for year 11) this arvy. I didn’t! I think Mark did but who cares? I certainly don’t! I need someone to fall in love with – someone who’ll fall in love with me, too. Keep lookin’ Liss! You’ll get there!! God I’m tired!! Broke diet again – 2 extra pieces of bread + cuppa tea + extra pita bread UMAH

Wednesday 12/11/86

It’s about 9:30 (I got a letter from Delanie today and wrote a 15 page one back!!) I’ve decided I feel differently towards Cameron. Was thinking about it in chemistry – thinking about when I held his hand at the party [?! I don’t remember that!] – listening to his voice at the same time. YUM. Then in 4th period art, in the storeroom I was thinking whether I should tell Monique or not. When I came out, she said “Do you ever feel like telling your best friend something but don’t want to?” I said “yeah, I just was!” Outside, I knew she was thinking about guys. She came out with “I think I like Cameron!” I couldn’t believe the coincidence!! She told me she was also thinking about him in period 1!! Coincidences! Something more than that!! It was so freaky – same thing, same time, same thoughts!! UNBELIEVABLE!! [I love this: our ‘connection’ totally swamped any sense of competition with regard to Cameron. Our friendship was clearly of much more significance to the both of us than a boy.] Failed my speech exam not doing it anymore. Did no HW (study) again but worked out art.

Thursday 13/11/86

I got news today. I am very confused. Talking to Duane in biology – he said Mark (still) likes me a lot. I couldn’t believe him – rolled my eyes. He said ‘true!’.etc. I don’t know what to think anymore. He is so thick (Mark.) […OR “he’s just not that into you”? I mean, if he was Liss, he wouldn’t keep hooking up with other girls at all the parties, right? Oh dear.] I know I do really like him still, but my fondness for Cameron has grown too. And Monique likes him. What’s going to happen? I am so confused- I really don’t know what to do or think. My schoolwork is going terribly, too. My art – ugh! And no use thinking about maths & chem. really stuffed up there. Mima told me yesterday at speech that Chris K likes me, too. [I’d nominated him as one of my other best male friends at the party last week] I am so confused! It’s 9:45. Hot. Duane kept talking to me after bio too (I was late for art). He even told Mark the other day how thick he was. Mark reckoned “why am I always the last to find out?” (Concerning me at the party – everyone ‘knew’ I was upset about Mark. I couldn’t believe it – he’s thick!!

Friday 14/11/86

It’s so damn hot! 10:20. I’m still boiling!! Contemplated ringing Mark this arvy – couldn’t think of a good enough excuse – bio exam? (gam on!) Sally’s party? (gammon!) or even apology for ignoring him this week. (Ha Ha Ha!!) I think I’ll get my art done this weekend. Have heaps of paper & pastels. But must also study lots. Esp. maths & chem. esp!! So hot. I can’t believe it .. 35º – I’m not used to summer yet. [Technically it wasn’t summer yet anyway: December marks the beginning of Summer in the Southern Hemisphere] SHIT I’m boiling!! Might take the fan in my bedroom. Kiss. I wish I could kiss someone (who?) I feel like having a beautiful big kiss. Listening to radio lots – great songs at night. [Less TV has gotta be a good thing] Whew! Ragey holidays! Don’t wanna do exams. Yukky Oh well! Gotta do well. What a lot of babbling: Ha! Ha!

Saturday 15/11/86

It’s about 9:10. Just come home from Pizza Hut – yes, I know; I really bombed my diet tonight! Garlic bread, cola, orange juice drink, pizza & worst of all, CHOCOLATE MOUSSE! (Was very rich & I didn’t feel too well for a little while!!) [I don’t know that Chocolate Mousse would have been the worst thing, actually. I think it’s on a par with the drinks…] Am so tired now. Today? Well I did more bio revision. Got fixative [an art product: aerosol spray that ‘fixes’ pastel work on paper] this morning. Have 6 no 5, art pieces left to do. When? Must do chem, at least, tomorrow. Really was hot today – felt as bad as yesterday, but only got to 32ºC, yesterday 35ºC. Tonight is cooler (just) tho!!! Tired – all I can think about! (must put headphones on – “party night” tonight Play all good songs!) Been listening to the radio lots more now. [You have said that. Numerous times.] Excellent at night – play lotsa great music. esp. tonight. Work hard tomorrow Liss. And mend your diet!! Thinking about Mark. I do still like him deep down. [of course you do…] I’m just extremely fond of Cameron.

Sunday 16/11/86

So damned hot! Lucy rang tonight! God I’m hot! We talked – I told her my ‘love life’ in very small detail Julia came in my bed last night to share the fan. [Wow, I didn’t realise we were that poor that we couldn’t afford a fan each. I thought we had ceiling fans anyway…despite not having ceilings! We had moved into the unfinished house as soon as it was liveable and mum was going to get things completed along the way, whenever she could scrape the cash together. She did it tough, but rarely complained.] I finally got rid of her. I woke up every time I had to move – so squishy. Anyway, we weren’t on the phone long. She wants me to write a letter before she goes on holidays→ that means no later than next weekend. God I only finished (hastily) my bio study today. Didn’t even start chemistry. Shit & I got no art done on the weekend. (Well, very little) Do chem all tomorrow and art all wednesday – no! Must do maths then! God I’m in trouble!! I’m still unsure about love life, too. [You don’t say? Flip-flop, flip-flop…] I know I think Mark is what I want – Cameron I love. But only as a friend. a really good friend – but my mind keeps changing. If I say only one thing, I know I’m still attracted to Mark a little, at least. I still like to be where he is. It’s 8:50.

The School Mag, Some Sewing & A Dip in the Pool (3-9 November)

Published on November 3, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 3/11/86

It’s in there [in our school magazine, ‘Euroka’]. That photo [one that was taken of Mark & I at a dance back in August – I was kind of obsessed with it. If you’d like to re/acquaint yourself with that episode, take a look at this post and the one that succeeds it: 11-17 August]. On page 7. At first I was embarrassed but I am glad its in there (not telling anyone (well almost) that, tho!) Cameron talking to me in chem. about Sunday. Told me none of them got sleep (him, Mark, Brett H) Chris, Glynn and Alan D were all in the beds at Cameron’s place so they sat in chairs!!! Were going to ring us up and tell us to take them to the beach and come over and make them something to eat! (wish they did!!) [Wish they did? …at first reading this horrified me; did I really want to be treated like a… like a 1950’s housewife? But to be fair to my little self, I know that my only desire was to spend more time around Mark.] At aerobics saw a cute guy who Mark & Cameron were talking to at Croc. Rock. Dylan [don’t recall that one (guy) at all] yummy!! I love the Euroka! I’ve coloured in pictures…I think I’ve wrecked it , but stuff it – it’s too late now!! I really don’t know about Mark. [What? Know what? Such confusion…] Am tired (not really) is 9:50. Did no HW. Oh well!!

Tuesday 4/11/86

Got lotsa signatures – however the only guys were Duane, Chris K and Nev. Duane wrote a really nice one. He’s so nice. I wrote a nice one to him too (funny). Didn’t have the guts to get Mark to sign, let alone all the rest of the guys. Oh well, take it tomorrow & see what happens. I really wonder about Mark. I dream . . . wish. [Oh yes. We know, we know…] Mum dropped me to school again this morning – her offer, tho! Julia stayed home – extremely tired (what from – we don’t know) And in sweepstakes at Geoff’s work – her horse got 3rd in the Melbourne cup, so she won $8. Mine I don’t know what happened to it – “Just Now”. [Damn, I just consulted Dr Google and discovered she won the Oaks in Sydney just two days later.] Raining a lot today. Didn’t get a seat on the way home again. fucking annoying. I hate the bus. [Oh how prophetic those words were… If you don’t already know what I’m talking about, you’ll find out in about 3 months’ time…] Is about 9:00. waste all my time colouring in my Euroka. Did no HW again today. Double bio tomorrow, again. Blech! Got 20/40 for my test – probly worst in the class.

Wednesday 5/11/86

Guess what? (again!) I got him to sign – 5th period Bio. Him & Duane had it the whole lesson. Donna & I looked at it on the way to little lunch [I had to have meant ‘big lunch’ here, because 4th & 5th period came after little lunch]. This is what he wrote on the front cover: “To dear Elissa, you’re my favourite lolly-pop lady. Hope that what happened is forgotten. [My guess is that this refers to his behaviour on the night of the final performance of our school musical, back in late August. Click here if you’d like a recap.] I hope to see you & your friends out more (crocodile rock) See you next year in ’87’ ‘GRADE 12’ UNREAL Then a monstrous signature. And a cartoon Got neatest writing. Then throughout the book graffiti – on our photo. This is great… he liquid papered out the saying [you know how yearbook creators put those speech & thought ‘bubbles’ in over some photos? see pic] & wrote in. “So how about you & me going to a movie!” CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? As soon as I got to school, even, Kathy showed me what he wrote in hers – near our photo again something like “Hi Cathy. Mark. I don’t like this photo of me much but I do like this one” (me!) my signings increased so much today.. aerobics fun speech funny. Jeez I don’t believe what happened today. Don’t know how to reply to Mark’s invitation – even whether it’s a joke or not. 9:00

Thursday 6/11/86

Didn’t talk to him – have no guts! Poor guy – probly thinks I hate him (how dare he?) Hope he’s at Megan’s party tomorrow night – that’d be excellent. Rainy weather makes it cool.. wore sharon’s jumper for awhile today. Did a big ‘picture’ of Mark! Tonight, I enlarged a traced picture from Euroka and it turned out excellent!! I’ve stuck it on my wall tonight so I can look at it in the morning when I wake up. [oh dear] Love it! (Love him) Cameron wrote something decent in my mag. today – really sweet too… “Elissa, one of my close friends, hope you had a great ’86. Keep on smilin’, Cameron.” I thought it was so sweet. Sometimes I really feel like giving him a big hug!! Must tell him to go to Mege’s party! Is 10:00 – will be so tired tomorrow night Can’t wait.

Friday 7/11/86

Ate one piece of pizza & watched a (silly) video, in art. Took up 4th, 5th, big lunch & 6th. I got so damned excited in chemistry about the party . Couldn’t wait – was practically having ‘fits’. Off the bus rode over & picked up Fi’s silk shirt. Was only a very little behind time – began making a bag but didn’t get it finished so wrapped it up like a “bundle” (swag) Neat! Got to Pancake House. Sharon & I went for a walk met Fi & mima & some others. Back at P.H., Mark, Cam, Duane, Chris & Steven were there. I sat next to cam. Drank a fair bit. I got very tipsy – probly the closest I’ve ever come to ‘drunk‘. Was good – I really thought M. liked me. Talked a lot afterwards, waiting for a lift with Brent (Duane too.) At the party things changed. I got upset. [Here we go again…] Fiona spent heaps of time with him – I was pushed in the pool & being in this “state” [you mean drunk? Oh, upset. Upset …and drunk] began crying – alright tho – talking heaps to Cameron – told him how much I love him (as a great friend) [Haha, ‘textbook’ drinking behaviour] About Mark – Fi talked heaps to him about me. I think he doesn’t like me. Only wants to be friends.

Saturday 8/11/86

I didn’t talk to him again that night avoided him all the time – Sharon got with him. was all over him that made it worse. Cried with mimey – [privacy omission here] – will take ages for me to ‘hate’ (well, not love) him (anymore) Fi spent so much time talking – she wasn’t with him – I trusted her to tell me the truth. And Cameron & Fi were the ones I was “looking for” all night. Esp. when I was being harassed by guys like Jahrad B Michael I. Chris, Duane & Cameron, esp the latter one, I decided are my best male friends. Duane is so nice. Everyone knew I was upset about Mark. In the end, when the guys finally left and we were revved for disobeying instructions (I’m sure Megan hates me) watched videos all night drifted off very little. Had snacks around 3:00. I tried to get Fi to tell me what they talked about – [she said it was] just why monique & I wouldn’t talk to him. [This has just made me realise Monique wasn’t at the party. I wonder why? I’ll bet I’d wished she was when Sharon started acting out with Mark…] Nicole I made friends with. In fact we hung round a fair bit early morning. Went home around 9:30 I think. Slept today – too tired to study much & I almost finished the bag – Is bloody excellent for an amateur I reckon!! Thinking alot; mark – if he only wants to be friends, why did he write so nice about me in Cathy’s Euroka? [I’m really searching for some Hope, huh?] (The movies thing was a “joke” – Duane told him to write it) And cameron my best friend. Really confused I am. REALLY CONFUSED. And tired. Early night tonight (Broke diet badly last night & lost my purse with $10 in it SHIT [Believe it or not, ten dollars warranted getting a little upset about back then. Nowadays it’s only two coffees.]

Sunday 9/11/86

Today I rather wasted. [Surprise, surprise!] Did very little to continue Bio studies. Besides that, I sewed. Mum was having a sewing day – fixing up mending – using up material. I scored 2 new pairs of shorts + a skirt (I haven’t finished yet) and of course, my bag is not yet finished, but looking excellent (well I think so!) Fi rang late this arvy – didn’t tell me anything new. she thinks he’s strange, too. said he really wants to talk to me. I don’t know if I can, I’d like to but I also don’t want to. [What?] Ha! Hot, rather, today! No rain clouds in sight today. Pity. I should do some work before I go bed – is 8:35 now. Should I? I’m to that tired – shouldn’t take me long to attempt it – I’ll see… well, nothing else to say except I’m going to see to it that everyone except Fi thinks I don’t like him anymore. [Hahaha] NITE NITE → Turn over a new leaf! →

A ‘Bizarre Love Triangle’ at the Fete (8-14 September)

Published on September 8, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 8/9/86

Well quite a few people (I think; Donna, Sandie, Monique, Mima, Fiona, Sharon, Tania, Heather, Linda, Tanja, Judy & Rebecca G – that’s all I think) know about Phillip C liking me. And of those who know/have seen him, all reckon he’s cute – some say gorgeous – best bod! Lifesaver! Swimmer! Wow. But mima told me that Melinda B reckons Peter H was at Phillip’s place on Sunday; meaning he rang from there. SHAME!! But I still love Mark. But he obviously (??) likes Nicole… Cameron & Judy rubbed it in today. Cameron in chemistry said “Did you go with the others to the Playpen?” “No” went to the movies” – “Oh, we went to Nicoles.” Fine, Cameron – that’s just great. What’m I s’posed to say? Then Judy at the busstop reckons “Have you seen Nicole’s love bite? Can’t miss it – big purple mark all over her neck and shoulder.” Double fine, huh? You bastard Mark. You’ve got to love me. Please. I want you more than anything. [Ugh, desperation! With hindsight I have to say this whole infatuation experience was a HUGE ‘life lesson’ I did finally learn from.] I’m tired. Bin studying for maths Ha! Got chem mark back 11½/15 – I passed by lots!! Wow!! Bludge day.

Tuesday 9/9/86

I won’t get to see what Phillip looks like until tomorrow; CAD (& selected Yr 11 & 12 art students – including Mark) are going walking around town during recreation time looking for people to do their windows for Fun In the Sun. Monique Sandie, me & Donna got the best block; Boland Centre, Rockmans, cominos arcade. Wo! Rage! (But I really wanted to go swimming so I could perve on Master C. Oh well! I still like Mark, but I don’t feel as depressed as before (I guess this matter with Phil has boosted my self-confidence somewhat) I’m watching a mini-series (Part 1) at the moment; it’s 9:55. Will probably get to bed around 11:30. Didn’t ride today. Maths exam I failed that’s all I have to say – I’m glad I learnt my content – that might’ve helped. HOPE Dunno if I’m riding tomorrow or not. Want to sleep in. Fun tomorrow I hope. Started doing some speech HW – unbelievable! Exam next Thurs.

Wednesday 10/9/86

Mima & I rode today (Adam, too) Didn’t get any test results back (i.e. Maths or English) At big lunch, Donna & I rode to City Place. We walked down to metropolitan building society so she could get money out then to Monique & Sandie (& Ms Marsland) for instructions about getting “clients”. All four of us had the best block to cover; the Boland centre one. It took longer than most others. Lots weren’t interested in us painting/decorating their windows – but there were still fair few who would “get back to us”. [Ha!] After, rode back to school, picked up my bag & waited for mima. I left & rode home on my own at 3:05 – quite impatient, then after speech when we were talking she said she got to school at 3:20 – lucky I didn’t wait – long time! But at speech asked Megan if she knew P.C. – she said “Yeah” I said what do you think of him? She said “pretty cute” & that one of her friends was flipped over him. That makes me feel really great. Someone who lotsa girls like & he likes me!! 10:40.

Thursday 11/9/86

Rode again. Got my haircut, too – (“much”) shorter on the left side. It feels much better. Rode really slowly esp. on the way home: stopped & pigged out, let the buses pass us. (Forgot about Saints) [Phillip was a ‘Saints’ boy, so I suppose I thought he might be on that bus and I could have caught a glimpse… had I not forgotten] Got maths & english marks back I PASSED MATHS!! I had thought without a doubt that I’d have failed but I passed!! 17½/30!! Great! [Great? It’s funny how my attitude towards schoolwork changed when I moved to Cairns High. At my primary school and during my junior High years at Smithfield, barely passing would have crushed me.] And english I thought I failed – but I did better than last semester! 8/10!! Wo! Great day! I think I’m gonna hafta forget Mark I only wish what I see & believe to be was true. I wish. But I’m also extremely curious to see Phillip C too. Fete tomorrow! That will decide!! I think. And Mark will be there too. He doesn’t talk or even look at me anymore. Probably hates my guts. Why, though? Bastard. I love him so much tho [Haha, these mental processes smack of schizophrenia!] 9:55. get some sleep late nite tomorrow. Did no HW again. Terrible bloody habit.

Friday 12/9/86

I’m dead. And kinda depressed. It’s just after 12:00. I saw Phil; Peter came up and was talking. How embarrassing – what could I say or do? I felt sick. [Nerves] (He (Phil) was cute/gorgeous, but it’s made no impact on me. I’m still hopelessly devoted to Mark, who I’m sure doesn’t like me) [I know this reaction is based in Fear: “better the Devil you know” is an extremely apt expression in this case] Oh, I even danced with him (& Fiona & Keith & Justine) but that was it. A pity. I do like him so much. I wore my new blue shirt which I got at lunchtime today (walked to town with Sandie and Monique) & blue & white striped skirt (found out they were the perfect match (in colour) UNBELIEVABLE!!) No HW except english & speech this weekend and I intend to get them done speech exam next Thursday. SHIT. Fete itself was boring – dance was OK. Tired. I feel terrible. I ignored Phil all night & moped around after Mark. Why am I such a loser? [No comment!]

Saturday 13/9/86

Did nothing constructive, except get my periods, today. [LOL and that’s constructive HOW? If anything menstruation is about DEconstruction] I am ashamed [because I didn’t do→]: I have 3 english assignments due this friday a speech theory exam this Thursday, a biology exam this Tuesday and a trial-run speech exam tomorrow. And the best thing I did today was to read up all about star signs.. [best?] otherwise I watched TV or read…. Was extremely depressed this morning, thinking about last night. Y’know how we were all dancing together ..well I think – I’m sure I dreamt that Mark said “Remember this?” to me as True Colours was played. Yes it must have been a dream cos they didn’t play that …or did they? Anyway, I can’t even remember what Phil looks like now, except his blue eyes (gorgeous) Rang Fi tonight – talking about Mark & etc. I think I’ll have to be content with being his friend & working my way up (???) from there. Just watched a movie. Is 11:45. Had a terribly dull day – it was gorgeous weather. Wonder if Mark’s at Lenora’s party??

Sunday 14/9/86

11:06. I just watched Superman III on TV. At speech this morning, Megan, mima & I talked (& laughed) a fair bit so our exams took a bit longer than 2hrs – probably about 2½ or 3. Anyway, I ended up doing it out of my notes.. I didn’t know a thing. (I rode up) at home I watched a little TV, did assignment work, listened to music & read. Petra (& Amanda for a while) came up. I like it when Petra’s here. We talk (I told them all about the night I was with Mark) Brings back memories. I long for another kiss (or 10) like those he gave me that night. Yum!! (Not really romantic tho’) I wonder if I’m a good kisser? Ha Ha god I say some stupid things! [Oh yes. Yes you do.] Anyway another fuitless weekend – only wrote about one paragraph more on one eng. assign. Have 2½ english assignments to do. God help me. Mark won’t be at school tomorrow or Tuesday – Geography excursions.

A Flat Tyre, Mistaken Identity & the First Kiss (25-31 August)

Published on August 25, 2014 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 25/8/86

Was average day. Rumours spread about Fi, Monique & I smoking at the party. I told everyone I wasn’t. (But the others were) Bludge in triple art – Ms Marsland was away. Funny in chemistry. I used a tap and the pressure (air block or something caused a ‘reaction’ in my measuring cylinder – I dropped everything & had a heart attack!! I was shaking so badly!! It was bloody hilarious. Also saw little of Mark ie: at big lunch didn’t see him but he came to school early today & was wearing a blue shirt! […and the significance of that is? I can only assume that I might’ve been wearing the same colour…and being occasionally prone to superstitious notions, this could have represented an ‘omen’!] On the way home on the bus, we had a blow out, bloody scary too!!! Big explosion sound. Dust flew in the windows! But after long delay we kept going with the flat tyre. [Really? I’m not really au fait with automotive stuff but I thought that was a seriously bad thing to do?] And tonight I answered the phone. Some chic Alison reckons she cleans nana’s flat and I thought it was Sharon – I played along “Alright Sharon” getting a bit bored “cut the crap. What do you want?” “Can I speak to your mother?” I obliged. Mum said “Oh, Alison, Hi!!” SHIT! I was so embarrassed!!!! FUNNEE!! SHAME. SKINTED SEVERELY. Said Hi to Mark & Steven (Steven mainly) & he did nothing Ha. I made another effort

[The diary had ‘Week 35’ printed near the date and I did a calculation (see pic) to ascertain how many weeks were left in the year. Seems to have elicited a response that’s hard to decipher.]

Tuesday 26/8/86

Very boring day. Actually not! In Bio, had our test – I forgot all about it but – it was easy – I passed, no sweat (But how good did I do? . . .) Ms Marsland wants 30hrs now, due Friday SHIT! Maths boring. At big lunch Fi, mima & Sharon & I rode to town. Ordered a bouquet of flowers for Monique & went to woolies. Pigged out. Were very late. 20 mins into 6th period we rode back … Becca G, Judy, Donna & Sandie were walking. Mr Stodford .. Oh no! we didn’t get revved but Becca & Co did… Ms Marsland let me off the hook, but not the others! (Nah, she just “talked” to them) Standing with Fi at bike racks = Lynette C was talking with Mark. We stood there too!!! Finally walked off! Then saw him as we stopped to pump up my tyres. He said something to mima – we didn’t hear it tho. Hunk! Bought, in town, mima’s prezzy: TRUE BLUE record by Madonna. I was taping it & found it buckled on side 2. [Hilarious! Buy a gift for someone else but make sure it serves your own purposes first!!] Did no HW. 9:15 Got mim’s swatch re swapped also M. Mouse watch working again.

Wednesday 27/8/86

Again he talked; to Lynette C. & Fi was with them, we were waiting for her (at a distance) to ride to swimming. Mima came ½ way thru’: Brent was talking to a Yr 9 girl & been ignoring her all day; was really upset. We rode back to near service stn diagonally acoss from school oval & waited ages for Adam G, & Benji (we rode with them to school today) I thought Mark would’ve gone; but no- he came & mima reckons “let’s give him the fingers” so she did & he stopped & came & talked!! (Didn’t look at me once – shy!!! I hope???) Got home late. Bugared at speech (before we raced into town to check Madonna record – was just our record needle – too old – record’s not buckled at all.) Asked Fi; she said mima really wants that record great huh? And she doesn’t think any one else got it 4 her. Tired; did little HW (only Chem) wrote (sad) note to mima for her birthday. Busy day. Fun 4 mime tomorrow. Monique was really embarrassed this morning, EVERYONE sang H. B’day!! & hung signs!! Wonder what she thort of our flowers

Thursday 28/8/86

I think I’d better give up on Mark. He had the biggest fight with Tricia today and so many people have said that he’s with Nicole C now (they kissed etc) BITCH. She’s got what she wants. And Mark. FUCKING PRICK. He is gutless and a bastard. [Upset much?] Mima’s B’day. I gave her my note after I got off the bus. She rang & invited me up; Fi read it and got teary (!!) Had B’day Cake & we (mim & I) went to Earlville. Mark was there (with his family skint – was dressed dag YUK) and saw Ben & Richard, Justine, Sharon, Steven B. and some others. FUCKING BASTARD I wish I could talk to Cameron – but he’s the biggest snob. How can I trust the dumb bastard? If he likes me, why does he do this? Is he so dumb that he thinks it won’t affect me? HE IS DUMB. A big sucker. EGOmanic, sorry-for-himself [?], BASTARD. I wish I could be a bitch to him. I wish he’d crawl to me. [hilarious!] BASTARD. [Yeah, I reckon pretty upset…] 9:55

Friday 29/8/86

I am so bloody confused. And upset. I don’t know anything: does he like me or not? Judy said he’s not going out with Nicole cos she asked her. Well, so what? [Maybe I hadn’t heard of ‘casual sex’ at that stage?] I still don’t know what happened Wednesday night … monique said they were kissing … Judy said they weren’t. I wish I didn’t have to, but I think Monique is the one to be believed. She would not lie about that to me. [After all, she eventually became my best friend] Bastard. God I like him so much. Why is he such a bastard? The bad thing is I can’t talk to anyone about it; they don’t understand or don’t want to listen. [Groundwork laid for future Depression? Not talking to people because you think they won’t understand, don’t want to listen AND you don’t want to ‘burden’ them with your ‘Stuff’ anyway?] I am so upset. Party Saturday night. This could be the decider. Oh, I’m so scared & upset & anxious… caught bus into town – julia, fi & I looked for clothes. Julia got a white skirt. Fi got white pants on lay-by. And me? Nothing. What’ll I wear tomorrow night? SHIT. No HW this arvy. Do it all 2morrow.. 9:30. Sleep!!!!!

Saturday 30/8/86

I did my Bio & attempted my Chem & Maths. My english assignment I did not “further”. The day went rather slowly. At about 5:30 I started to get ready. I had eaten lot of junk today! Finally, we left, picked up Fi & got to GREASE. [It was the final performance so the after-party was expected to be big] there were so many familiar faces around! (ie: I knew so many people) It was excellent. Mark was cool. After it, I was informed secretly that Nicole & Him had a big juicy kiss in dressing room. Went to party after ceremonial congratulating and thanking those involved etc. The Party was boring. There were heaps of people; but I was bored. Nicole & Him were together; I was depressed & upset. Judy (after my cry on her shoulder) eventually talked to him after Nicole left, just before everyone migrated to Crocodile Rock (Terry was after Fi) We got there in a cab with Tanya C, Sharon, Fi & I (Judy said Mark didn’t know I liked him so much & he felt really terrible) Croc Rock was excellent; I kept my eye on Mark. [Here I crossed over to the next (Sunday’s) page…]

Sunday 31/8/86

… He danced with Sharon, me with Cameron & Fi with Terry. We danced & danced. After a drink & socialise, danced again (Mark with Fi this time) then again him with Trish & me & cameron. they were dancing really ‘sexy’-ily [by this I think I mean ‘Dirty Dancing’ style…] & kissed now & then… I kept a smile pasted on my face!! Then, after another rest, Mark asked me. I was shy at first (he’s an excellent dancer) he looked at me all the time. Soon I looked at him too. And loosened up dancing. Our faces came really close & I was nervous. We danced for ages then Trish cut in (jealous?) they disappeared & I sat with Cameron. Then back again & we danced again. This time I wasn’t so nervous…we kissed.. we danced & kissed & danced & kissed & kissed it was BLISS Mima & Steven were nearby together! too! we danced & kissed so much. The last dance was True Colours Cyndi Lauper’s new one. We danced slow, close & kissed. I’M IN LOVE!! [Oh my.. *facepalm!] Then we had to wait for a taxi …meanwhile watched a black woman being butch!! At Fi’s at 5:45, mima walked home; Mark, Steven, me Fi & Sharon spent time in Fi’s resting talking laughing; doing nothing. he was so nice to start with then he started getting a bit vicious – pinching my cheeks → It hurt! After that we didn’t talk much. (I am so tired) Got no sleep! Went to mima’s after Sharon left. Guys swam then we all rested – Mark & I slept, mim & Steven? & Fi? (I was asleep!) Walked home. “Sad” to go (??) [Really? After having your face tortured?] See him tomorrow Great. Did nothing at home. Have 2 eng. assign’s to do + art. Is 7:30 now. night!!

An Emotional Rollercoaster & a Shitty Babysitting Experience (14-20 July)

Published on July 14, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 14/7/86

Everyone was talking about the party (or at least, the formal) “Everyone” did something on Saturday night. I feel so ‘depressed’. Donna said Mark was there & when I wondered if he was with anybody she said “I’m not saying anything”. But later said she “truly didn’t know” (Everyone was pissed) And Fiona & them had a great time at the formal (she got home 6:00 in the morning!) And Sharon gave me my present (as did Sandy & Monique) and talked to me again. Nothing has been said about ‘it’. We’re buddies again (…) And Fiona, Jemima, Brent & guess who …Cameron are going to the show together. How more depressing. I’ll go with Sharon & probably never “see” Mark . . . Oh, I’m so depressed. 9:45. School photos Blech. I am the tallest in our form Fuck it [Yep, I hated being tall. After all, it makes you stand out more. And I’m super-shy, remember?] I don’t think I like Mark anymore. I feel kind of “cheated”. [!!] It’d never work; we’re too shy And he probably doesn’t like me very much anyway. [So easy for me to fall into ‘despair’]

Tuesday 15/7/86

Boring Boring Boring . . I’ve decided I don’t care (very much) for Mark anymore . . . I probably really do (actually, I do) but I like people thinking “I’m crazy”. [okay. I don’t understand THAT] I’m tired. It’s 10:30. Things with him are in a different perspective now. Also, because mima & Brent wanted to go to the show on their own, Fi, Cameron & me (and Sharon & Adam G too, I s’pose) are going together (Gonna ask Fi to hint to Cameron about Mark…!! Ha Ha. Very funny. It’s raining. And it’s rather hot. might sleep in-the-nick tonight!! Probably not. Boring day. Did no (only Chem.) HW. Umah – I’m too lazy (and HOT) Bloody tired. Big black bags under my eyes, betcha!!! SHOW!! I love it!! Feel, in a way tho that I’m still intruding on Fiona & Cameron. Monique left at big lunch to go to Townsville for her ballet exams 2morrow. GOOD LUCK MONI! Feel Jemima’s not happy with me either OH WELL 8:45

Wednesday 16/7/86

Officially declared BAD DAY. (1) And most important … Mark is going out with Tricia D. I told you I knew he’d been with someone at the party… the problem is, he’s still with her. Why? What a bastard. This proves one of 3 things he either didn’t like me as much as everyone reckons, or if he did, he’s being bloody selfish in going out with Trisha just for [one reason] or (3) he’s trying to make me jealous (which is stupid & wouldn’t work anyway – I don’t get jealous – I’m sensitive – I get hurt) SO NOW I’ve plastered “Mark W; bastard” etc all over the place. [“All over the place” would have been in non-public places. I still wouldn’t want to burn my bridges…] Fuck him. I like Cameron. . he makes an effort to talk to me. And he’s funny & I’m going to the show with him. [?!!! but he’s not into you!] But I’m not gonna try’n’make Mark jealous. [psssh! ha ha ha] It’ll probably turn him off like he did to me (as you can see, I still care) And Donna did know .. she just didn’t want to hurt me.. (2) mima had a big fight with her mum & ran away but when I rang there around 8:15, she was home but in conference with her mum

[In the Notes section at the back of my diary, I added the following – as an ‘answer’ – to some thoughts I had penned a week or two earlier (nothing here is dated other than the month) when I was in a more positive frame of mind about Mark:]

Whoa, girlie!!! With all this about Tricia, you really can’t be so sure anymore. Could you ever trust this guy enough?? Is he the answer to your dreams? No? Yes? What are you??

Thursday 17/7/86

Now I don’t know what to think. (we rode to school late this morning: 8:15 & took it slowly..) mima was upset & Fiona went with her fo[r] console they missed Yr11 parade & ½ of pd 1. So Cameron sat next to me. We talked. Got onto Mark. I said something like “Dickhead” C: That’s not nice me: I know… C: He likes you… me: I’ve known that for a long time. He went on telling me about how he likes me, and is only going out with Trish cos he feels obligated [Omission of facts about others, here] Also.. I find out from Becca G that everybody knows I like Mark. [With hindsight it’s easy to condemn myself for being so naive..] Great, huh?!! Sharon is so unreliable. I know it was her, even tho she denied it. [..and then to blame someone else for something that would have been so easily perceived by others. She was also not the only person who knew…] Also Cameron rang about Fiona – he really likes her a lot & is worried about the show. I eventually convinced him to still go. Is 9:35…!!! I maths, Cameron & Chris told me how much they hate Sharon. So many people do. It’s unbelievable!! Cameron also knows everything about how I feel about Mark – I’ve “begged” him not to tell [Ha! Who’s his alliance likely to lie with, Elissa? You or his best mate?]

Friday 18/7/86

♥ It was alright!! (The show, that is…) Firstly, today I listened to music did a bit of HW and got ready. I was bloody excited… would Mark be there?? If so, with or without Tricia? Picked up everybody, swapped into cars at Monique’s and went. Big group… but soon Monique, Sandy, Chris & Glyn left. So Cameron, Fi, Sharon & Adam G, me (& mima and brent later on) went on everything [amusement park rides]. we (cameron, adam & I) stood off while the others went on the zipper [That ride – pictured right – was always my most feared. I think to this day, I’ve only ever been on it once]. Then he came … all night I wanted to see him, but was too shy to talk (or even look at him) Yes, Tricia was there, but at the end she wasn’t and we went on dodgems. (not him & I – all of us) And walked to the gates together. Mima told me the things he said about me. Mima: Isn’t Lissa gorgeous? Mark: (without hesitation; very hastily answering, determinedly) Yes! (And then Trish came. Gave mima very dirty looks all nite) Also ~~mima~~: cameron: where’s elissa? Mark (quickly) up there.. mima: keeping your eye on her. Mark: you bet.

Saturday 19/7/86

I will never babysit again in my life!! Screaming babies I just cannot hack. Don’t go telling me I’ll never be able to cope with children, tho… [I just don’t like loud noises in general…] we finally got her to lie down & she’s going to go to sleep I think. Poor kid; I understand how frightened she is. Mum (& her mum) are at a National Trust Dinner. I’ll scream if they’re too late. I wanted an early night in the first place. Fuck that. I did nothing today. I just didn’t know what to do (in the way of an english assignment… my maths is driving me up the wall) And, of course, my day wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t spend some time thinking about Mark!! It’s 8:50 now; god knows what time I’ll get to bed. I am bloody tired, too. Last night it was 12:05 when I turned off my lamp!!! I’m thinking a bit about Mark & me. I don’t think we’d be very good… to start with, we find it hard to talk to each other….what next?

Sunday 20/7/86

Got to sleep around 11:45…. that baby …oooh! We only managed to make her happy (& occupied) in the last 45 mins or so. Otherwise we ignored her & she cried (screamed) or (mostly) sat on the couch keeping quiet. She also shit herself & even when mum came home, we didn’t want to try & change her nappy in case she kicked up another stink (it was too late in the night for that) I fell asleep just after mum & julia had successfully changed her nappy & her parents came. [It’s no surprise that my sister assisted in the nappy-changing; she was and is very maternal. Me not so much. Obviously.] Today I did big fat NOTHING. I had maths & english but I did none of both. What a pisshead. I kept thinking “what will I do?” for my english ..I have no idea. So I haven’t even started. Mr G will have fun revving me tomorrow. Getta move on. Just watched the movie. Umah!! Is 10:45 My, my, my …. think a lot about Mark. Would it (us) work? Really?

Desk Dramas & Study Stress (26 May-1 June)

Published on May 26, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 26/5/86

My room’s such mess→ my new desk is still outside!! All my junk’s on the floor. Didn’t finish english essay. Did a bit of maths & a fair bit of chemistry→ can’t understand it.. Anyway, this Wednesday will be a good one: don’t do recreation! We’re gonna go and watch the soccer guys (Mark!♥) play their final. Great! Ate alot this arvy. Fi has a stye (on her eye, y’know). Bus was so full this arvy. Didn’t get a seat! (Till this girl got off on Sheridan Street) so I didn’t stand for long. 9:36. Am tired. Dunno if we’re riding or not (raining today) Could keep up all night. Talk to Cameron a lot lately. Today on way to school bus, in Chem & Maths & off the bus. Julia’s birthday in 4 days. What’ll I get her?

Tuesday 27/5/86

Piss day. Am not talking to mum & Julia. They’re bitches. Got the new desk into my room and is Fucken too big. I told her & she got all worked up. Then [she] tried to fix around everything makin the biggest fuckin mess you’ve ever seen, then cos I got aggro (wouldn’t you? [hmmm]) she left it for me to clean up. Fuckin mole. And Julia pokin her nose in Bitch – dumb bitch. Now she’s got it. Fuckin shit. Fuckin Fits in her fuckin room. I’ve got a fuckin mess in my room, nowhere to put all my junk. Fuckin stupid bitches. HATE THEM. [The bold typeface represents how hard I’d written these words in my diary: scrawled in anger.] Looking at Mark this morning & he looked at me. Skint. Yum Yum 9:15 HATE HER [Wow, big tanty, huge rant! I recently read somewhere that if you’re kids don’t say they hate you at least once, it means you’re not a good parent. This rant shows just how fantastic my mum was ♥ …or my wicked temper…]

Wednesday 28/5/86

Pregnant. 6 weeks. To Geoff. She told me yesterday. [oooookaaaay. That wouldn’t’ve gone down well. I wasn’t keen on mum’s boyfriend and a half-sibling would’ve further cemented his presence in our lives.] Kept up my “not talking” right up until she left for National Trust meeting. She asked about the calculator. [?] Now I talk a little, but am not affectionate. Speech was funny. Jemima really can’t wait to do it with Brent! They love each other a lot tho’ so I think it’s right. Didn’t watch soccer today. Pity – didn’t get to see Mark. Watched basketball instead. Dwain’s pretty kinda cute in his own way. Game was exciting. Did English assignment (really crappy) and started writing back to Lucy (got a letter from her today) Hafta finish soon. 11:00 now Still didn’t start study for Chem. That’s disgusting. Must

Thursday 29/5/86

Studying chemistry. I’ve done Ch 1, 2 & almost ½ of 3, so I’ve 4, 5 & 9 left and then I’ve gotta start doing practise questions or I’ll fail for sure. there’s so much I have to do and I’m just not going to get it done. Boy will I be glad when this one’s over!! Boring day. Really hard to tell whether Mark likes you or not. Some days you’ll think you’re in, others it looks like he’ll turn around and bite your head off. I don’t care, tho. I like him just the same! Finished my letter to Lucy at school→ worried someone would read it… did write more about Mark in it too. Also fi & mima said Hi. What’ll I do? I can’t fail chemistry. It’s so damned important to my TE score. [This refers to ‘Tertiary Entrance’ score; the rating used to determine the types of studies you would be eligible to apply for at universities. In the early 1990’s the ranking system was revised and the important ‘number’ became the ‘OP’, meaning ‘Overall Position’] Oh well.. 10:16. Am probably the only one awake in the house!

Friday 30/5/86

OH no. Oh yes! I’m sure I’ve failed. Piss. Was nowhere near finishing unit 3 revision (term 1) when mima rang. Mum came home just at the right time to give me a lift up there. I studied a little – Jemima and Fiona weren’t – they’d finished last night, so I couldn’t really concentrate. [Of course not!] Mrs D took us in at 11:30. Got a bit worked up when we got there, but actually in the exam, about 10 mins in, I relaxed a bit. When I think of it I think it was all right, but thinking more, I remember some of the troubles I had. Damn. Anyhow, that’s over with. Have 2 bio exams, art, maths and english to study for now. Oh dear! 11:00 – just moved desk back into my room, fixed up temporarily my stuff & threw out a lot of things (crap)

Saturday 31/5/86

Did no study at all today. Julia [it’s her birthday] got money, brekky in bed, a casket ticket, record, jewellery, voucher and other little things (including glass beads & safety pins → I got 4 no! 5 more friendship pins today!!) I tidied top all my drawers (my old school books & Dolly magazines & my drawers in my desk) And decorated Julia’s cake. And that was it. [Brilliant procrastination!] I could kick myself. I have to do Bio & Maths first tomorrow, then English & Art, then Bio & Maths again, if time allows & hopefully more art & english (doubt it) Cold weather – rainy, windy but I love it. Went out this morning too, to various places. Is 12:12 Went to Coles but didn’t see Mark→ did see the cute guy who helped me pick up the oranges, tho!! Am tired. ‘Moonraker‘ was just on TV James Bond 007

Sunday 1/6/86

I bludged today. But I got all my relevant biology notes done. I’m a little worried about english & more so for maths, but, I’ll wake early tomorrow and see what I can do. I’ll go home after biology exam & do english quotes & revision. Then write out my maths ‘theory’ and later in the night revise art. Before school I’ll read over my english notes, then at lunch I’ll read over art. [LOVE the planning. I still do this…but never manage to get it done as planned.] Should be right! (??I hope) Cheri M Petra & Amanda and Robyn B came around today [all my sister’s friends] (Petra & Cheri for the longest) Cheri’s nice – funny! Still really wet weather. little sun at all→ almost totally continuous rain today. 9:00 now. Am not gonna shave underarms or legs → gonna grow them, then get em waxed!