hurt – Page 2 – A Life in Words

Heartbreak Week: the Bus Crash Inquest & the Inevitable Break-Up (14-20 September)

Published on September 14, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Before launching into this week’s entries, I thought I’d include a copy of a letter that our principal sent out to us in the previous week. It didn’t really apply to me because I was summonsed to appear – I had to go – but outside of that commitment, I think I managed to witness most of the proceedings. My mum had no problem with me attending either, because she spent as much time there as she could outside of her work commitments as well.

I have also included, where possible, scans of news clippings related to the inquest that I’ve attempted (with my meagre means) to make as legible as possible in case you were interested in reading them. I apologise in advance if the quality is too poor.

Monday 14/9/87

At Steve S’s [my solicitor] at about 7:45, we started on my statement. I told him things (answ. his Q’s) & he spoke into a tape. Downstairs, around 8:30 I waited with Trina while Becca was up there. I hated my statement [the perfectionist in me: but I knew this was an extremely important document so had to relate my experience accurately] so, while Becca & Trina & Steve went to the Courthouse, I rewrote my statement & a lady typed it etc & drove me down. It was 11:00 & everyone was coming out – cameras everywhere ..Mr & Mrs Perrem, Strooper & Fisher [parents of the deceased] all trying to avoid them. Court had adjourned until Guy (the driver) could arrive (they’d waited all morning for him- wrong date issued on his summons) so, killed an hour with Trina & Edith. So, actually started again at 12:00 – stopped at 1:00 for lunch (so boring waiting- the detective on for that hour) Mum dropped me at school- got things from Ms. Forbes. Sat Yr 12 area. Mark went to drive in Fri. night & Tamara’s party saturday “Forgot” to ring me. That hurts. And all he could do is laugh. Mum picked me up at end of lunch hour – I bought lunch, then waited outside again (Glyn, Steven, Trina, Edith, Brian etc..) Finally, around 3:00, Yru first one in. In for 20 mins (shitting ourselves) Recess then Steven L, Sean D & me .. not really scary – I felt like laughing- [laughter is my default stress response…] wanted to be asked more Q’s ..got $31 for it! & photo for Courier Mail! News coverage wasn’t “hot” ..Steven, Glyn were in background!!!!!!!

Tuesday 15/9/87

A Life in Words — Part of Tuesday’s article on the inquest in the Cairns Post. Note Detective Brooks’ opinion (second paragraph)

Today, everything ran according to schedule. We sat in the hearing until about 11:00; the machinery inspector (an engineer) (inspector of bus remains) was in for all that time & basically what came out of it was that there was no handbrake at all, the rear brakes were not operational (the adjustment was very ‘out of place’ incorrect) [To clarify: the bus had, prior to its fateful journey, received a service by Northland’s mechanics specifically on the brakes only a week before, after the driver Guy had complained about them failing at an intersection in the CBD. The service (the ‘adjustment’) was improper; the mechanics were negligent] & the whole frame of the bus was rust infested (hence the roof slicing off) […and this was the fault of the previous owner of the bus (who appears on the stand later on). See the news clipping below Wednesday’s entry…] Did my biol. test .. it was rather easy for the little amount of study I did (some things I’d neglected to look at stuck me, tho I know I’ll pass at least). Didn’t talk to Mark at all at school .. went to Home Ec room with Justine & Fi & had some cake. Fi was really interested in what was going on. She wants a copy of the records, too (a manuscript) [I still have the a copy of the findings in my possession to this day…] I missed out on the guy who saw the bus go over the edge [there was only one witness to the accident, who wasn’t actually involved in it, that is…] & quite a few student testimonies, but after lunch another inspector (a mechanic) took up nearly all afternoon, just re-iterating what the guy this morning had said. Made news again tonight. I wasn’t in the Courier Mail today, maybe tomorrow. [Ah, the Ego!] Rang Mark this arvy . . talked long about (well jokes about) me being evil & horrid & satantistic & him being good & innocent (Bullshit!) Getting warmer (courthouse is airconditioned) [← believe it or not, airconditioning wasn’t standard in all buildings in FNQ back in the 80’s, unlike today. We definitely felt summer in our classrooms at school!] Got my shorts from Kaffa but they’re too short – take em back, but you can’t [I think I meant, I wanted to return them, but couldn’t for ? reason…?]

Wednesday 16/9/87

Well, Mark was the first up today; there were quite a few students today -Cameron, Brent, mima, Fiona, jason, bella, jaque & Mark to name a few. The courthouse was packed in the morning (Mark stayed for it) but spare seats in the afternoon – boring mechanic (brake specialist) testimony -went on for ages (he was being rather “evasive” – Mr McKenzie said when we talked to him at lunch & were filmed – yeah! I was on T.V.! (NQ10) Lunch went quickly. Still haven’t started my english assignment. SHIT. Due Friday. I rang Mark this arvy, cos’ Fi told me she heard Tricia talking about the Drive-In (I got worried) but he was at Terry’s. He rang back around 7:30 and it was probably one of the best talks we’ve had for ages . . I mean he was being really nice and he said “I love you” again, which made me feel even better. He said he wants to spend time just me & him together on the holidays.. which I also enjoyed hearing from him. Forgot to take back the shorts from Kaffa today. Must do it tomorrow. […buuuut I thought you couldn’t?] Wore my white mini skirt in public today – actually felt more confident & care-free than I have ever!! [Perhaps because I was attending an ‘event’ that directly related to my scarring. If people saw it, they were more likely to “put two and two together”…and be compassionate. Not that anyone has ever been unsympathetic (or nasty) to me about my scar anyway…] WOW!! SO BORING IN COURTROOM – MAKES YOU SLEEPY!The tone of this article (a recap of Tuesday’s evidence) indicates the bus company and the mechanics were at fault: both a government engineer & a transport inspector saying as much.

Thursday 17/9/87

It’s 11:00; I’ve just finished a few ‘choices’ for my english assignment (descriptive passages) Only 2 that I’m happy with, in fact. But it’ll have to do. Who cares? (Me, of course) Today, Glyn, Cameron, Mark came to see Chris (he wasn’t on til after lunch tho’.) (Cameron, Mark & some others were on T.V, too) Well the previous owner was on the stand today & the prick has pretty well laid the blame on Guy [the bus driver]. I heard Guy could get “manslaughter”. It’s not fair he doesn’t deserve it. [Obviously I personally laid NO blame at the feet of the driver …even prior to the inquiry. In fact, from the word go, I never felt an ounce of animosity toward him (and of all those I knew, neither did anyone else). Why? Well, it’s hard to fathom but I think it basically boils down to pure compassion. Knowing this man would live with the deaths of eight children hanging over him for the rest of his life… that burden would be insufferable alone. He didn’t deserve the added torture of others’ ill-will or negativity. I only ever viewed him as a victim, like us. It was the bus’s fault (and therefore the company’s) …not this man.] It’s because he was in too high a gear (3 hi, instead of 3 low) Big diff, huh? [Well, clearly enough of a difference to be used against the driver…] This shithead owner reckons he could’ve made the trip down safely. [Oh.. would that be the same owner whose incompetent maintenance in the rusted out chassis of the bus resulted in its roof shearing off? Not quite a respected person, in my books…] What a shithead. Poor Guy. [What I failed to mention here is that it only took ONE one hour lesson to get a bus license. This previous owner of the bus – who claims to have expertly traversed the Gillies in that very bus many times himself – also happened to have been Guy’s instructor. (See Friday’s clippings) What I really want to know – and it didn’t come up at least in my recollection – is whether any trainee driver would be instructed how to negotiate a mountain range in one one hour lesson? Somehow, I highly doubt it. Yes, clearly I am still biased towards Guy, all these years later.] Mark was being quite a sweetie today – smiling a lot, a little affection I changed those shorts (refund) & got an excellent pair for $36 at GOOD TIME, get this – with a free tan leather belt (after I forked out $12 for one – shit this free one’s even a closer colour to my shoes than the $12) Saw Vikki & Gemila in Big W this arvy ..they’re funny. Dropped ½ my lunch at the Esplanade today (made me angry) God I need sleep. Ate SNAKES in courtroom. Mark, Cam & Keith told to stop talking or they’d get thrown out.

Friday 18/9/87
[Articles from this morning’s Cairns Post, re-capping Thursday’s proceedings…and looking grim for the bus driver]

It’s SHIT. Results of today were absolute SHIT. First, at inquest, we heard the addresses. It seemed certain Guy would get some charge- almost every barrister was against him. But his representative put up a good arguement. Then Mr McKenzie spoke, accentuating the company’s fault. [After all, had Guy not been made to take that company’s unroadworthy, malfunctioning vehicle up the Gillies Range to begin with, his driving skills would never have been questioned.] Mr Perrem & Mr Strooper also spoke (both nervous – Mr Perrem shaking terribly) After recess, the judge related his findings I cried at the mention of Monique’s form of death + earlier when her death certificates were handed up as exhibits etc.) The stupid shithead found Guy to be driving recklessly, causing death [So the official charge against him was Dangerous Driving Causing Death] Cameras reporters outside. Mum was interviewed on FNQ10 News. [She expressed her dissatisfaction with the outcome.] NO ONE agreed with his decision: the mechanics got off SCOT-FREE IT’S UNBELIEVABLE. What sort of dick, prick, cunt, wanker is Trevor Pollock? [One whom I personally believe may have potentially been instructed by a higher power to find scapegoat. Yes, I have my own conspiracy theory, which I won’t disclose simply because it is – of course – conjecture.] Fi, Jo & I after dropping my eng. assign. at school, stayed in town all arvy.. I got some $15 jeans from KAFFA – need taking in at the waist, tho- but they’re great. Mum, Jules & I went late nite: I got a tape, too. See I rang Mark at home & he wasn’t in a good mood at all – last night [privacy omission] So apparently everyone’s shitty with Mark. not his fault. So I thought “great”, another boring night… depending on his mood tomorrow, we might do something sat. night SHIT

Saturday 19/9/87

[I chose this particular news clipping from my collection because it was the most succinct article, but also exactly highlights the sentiments of the wider community about the inquest results: shock & disbelief that the mechanics & the bus company were liberated of any responsibility. Monique’s father poses the question that everyone wanted the answer to… see the third last paragraph of the article. (I’ve deliberately broken the article up into segments (separate photos) so that the text can be more easily read.)

Today I did very little. . I re-arranged or, re-organized my drawers in my desk, then wrote the overdue birthday thank-you letters. [Yep, that’s VERY overdue: my birthday was in July.] I rang Mark around 3:00, he was feeling better today – [privacy omission] (Bad, huh?) He said he’d ring me back .. by 6:00 I thought I’d ring him, it was getting late. So we mucked around talking – he didn’t know what he was doing – I got upset -he said he’d ring back. I rang Fi & Jo & decided to go to Judd’s party with them. When Mark rang back he said they were going to Steve’s & then if they went out after, would I like to go? Well I said I’d be at Judd’s. Sure enough, they came & Mark was rather drunk. I kept my eye on him.. I noticed him kissing this girl at the bar & I got upset. He smoked a cigar & I was repulsed. To cut the story short; we argued & he broke us up. I’ve never cried so much in my life. I begged, pleaded & threatened [crossed over to the next page…]

Sunday 20/9/87

him not to do it, but he .. oh shit, it hurts so much. There’s so many things. He kept saying he killed it: 9 months down the drain with [privacy omission] he doesn’t even know (well I know: Trisha F according to Deanne – St Monica’s slut. And I nearly hit her) […now that I can’t believe…] I tried my hardest to talk it out with Mark. [privacy omission] I had to walk home got to sleep 1:30, woke at 2:30, 3:30, 4 & got up at 6:00 – couldn’t sleep & had no appetite all day (did nothing ..some crash scrapbook) SO WORRIED. SO. DEPRESSED SO UPSET. I planned to go to his place to take his denim jacket back & talk. It was so hard .. he wasn’t going to change his mind. I couldn’t understand what he said. .he, I remember, “forget me, elissa. I’m no good for you. You’re making a mistake.” DON’T MARK. How can you say that? [Maybe because he was being honest?] Finally, I convinced him he said we’ll have a break, till he wants to get in touch again.. but I can’t handle even that. I need him. [Urgh. Those words most certainly do not exist in my vocabulary now.] I was looking forward to the holidays with him, so much. FUCK THAT PARTY. FUCK IT [Sorry honey, but that party – and everything that happened at it – was necessary…]

As an afterthought, I decided to include this article from Sunday’s paper, penned by the father of one of my Year 12 classmates (who obviously had a vested interest in covering the inquest) He highlights what is to me an exquisite and genuine human virtue: Selflessness

Thigh Numbness, Inquest Prep & A ‘Pissy’ Weekend (7-13 September)

Published on September 7, 2015 by Elissa Coxen4 Comments

Monday 7/9/87

I got out of doing my bio test tomorrow. I’ll have to do it Friday big lunch into 6th period, tute (CAD for me). But I’m not “off the hook”… my Maths will not be “good” . . I’ll stuff it, I’m sure. If I can learn the theory tonite & try to revise more prac. stuff (problems) tomorrow, maybe I’ll scrape through. Fi, & mima went home at little lunch- Joannah wasn’t even at school. Mark stayed.. I hung around him, Chris, Cameron, Steven at big lunch (laughed so much → my stomach muscles are so sore after the weekend) [!!!] Also, strangely (and fucking very annoyingly & disturbingly & upsettingly) my left knee, above it – inside thigh is numb. Been like that for the whole day (since last night) WHY? Hope its not permanent. [It wasn’t. But my concern was borne of the struggle to accept the permanence of the scar on my right leg. During a consult with a ‘revisive’ (plastic) surgeon only a few weeks earlier (see Saturday’s entry in this post) the penny dropped: it was affirmed, I realised and had to begin to accept, that my body could not ‘right’ (heal) this injury to the extent that it could render other superficial flesh wounds (virtually) invisible over time. The damage was too great, the result was permanent and I, as a teenaged girl obsessed (just like any other) with body image, had to come to terms with this. Any wonder I was nervous?] Actually started Fash. Des. work in art today . [Considering fashion design had been one of my strongest career dreams this would have been exciting for me.] Got separated for talking in english . [Ha! That’s a rare occurrence.] Handed in about 4 pracs in chem this morning. I’ll be so glad when this week’s over!! It’s 10:36 – hope I’m not too tired during the exam 2morrow

Tuesday 8/9/87

Ha, ha. Fail in maths, severely. left out 2Q’s (each worth 4 marks) to begin with (the last 2) & all the rest I practically am “hoping” they’re right. /40 I’ll probly get about 5 -no more than 15 for sure. Did chem HW tonite (nothing really substantial tho’.. must try 2morrow morning, then esp. at night: exam Thursday.) Found out during lunch & 6th on Friday – we’ll be at the courthouse, going thru’ proceedings with police (or whatever) [The bus crash inquiry (“death inquest”) was to begin next week. This was a big deal not just for me, but everyone involved in the crash …and pretty much the entire Cairns community…] Postpone biol. exam yet again! Chem. lecture tomorrow (I think) Wonder if it’s interschool? Hope so. [You wanna perve don’tcha, Liss?] Hot day → cloudy towards the end. I’m addicted to Kit Kats [and I’d say they’re probably still one of my top picks IF I were coaxed into buying a commercial chocolate…] (choc. in general) I must give it up- I’m getting fatter & my face is starting to break out again. Oh no! It’s 9:40 now. Earlier nite than previous 4 or 5 nights. Free dress day Friday, too. I want to party this weekend!! G’night!

Wednesday 9/9/87

Mark was away today. that’s the main thing. Aside from that, the chem lecture was (interschool – only some schools & not many people at all -held at Civic Centre) boring. [I was most likely comparing this event to last year’s, at which (unbeknownst to me, until a few days later) I was ‘noticed’ by an attractive guy from another school. (Check out Friday’s and Sunday’s entries in this post if you’d like the background) So perhaps I had my radar up, hoping for some kind of similar experience?] Cameron distracting. [Just as he was in every all of my chem classes!] Fiona’s going to Saint’s formal too, now. Not fair! Everyone is, it seems! Well I’ll just have to spend the whole weekend with Mark to make up for it. [Well, that’s interesting: it sounds very much like spending time with your boyfriend comes second to attending a social event (at which there’d potentially be many attractive guys) with your friends. Hmm… why are you in this relationship again?] We’ll probably end up going to the party afterwards, anyway. Cloudy day. * More junk today – I can’t help myself. On the scales this arvy (I expected them to break) I weighed only 61½kgs- I thought I’d be well over 64! Lucky! [Scales don’t mean anything. Really, how much of that weight is fat and how much lean tissue?] But I feel fat & my skins not too good. [That’s a better indicator of your health. What’s happening at the cellular level?] Wonder why on earth Mark was away? Julia said she saw them driving Sheridan Street just around 3:00 or something heading north cairns direction. Would like to have rung him- had they the phone on at David’s.. . he got 25 for maths exam! (I got 22 so surprised I passed!) Also gorgeous (& funny) photos I saw of Mark (& Steven) that are going in the Euroka [our school magazine/yearbook]. SO TIRED. WILL POSSIBLY FAIL CHEM TOO. Strangely, I don’t feel I will, though. Hopefully…

Thursday 10/9/87

Chemistry? What a frigging laugh! I know I have 3 marks, for sure. I’ll get more than 15 I think, but it’s /50 so that’s not good enough. Mark said he slept yesterday & watched videos & when julia saw them, was when they were going to the “wreckers” to get a something-or-other for the fuel tank (a lid?) So, art was boring cause people were in town doing the fence-painting.. Ms . Marsland interviewing CAD music kids at Trinity Bay. English bludge – Mr G. away: talked to Mr McKenzie. [our principle – he may have been caretaking our class? That didn’t happen often…] Lunchtime was fun : Yr 11 girls/Yr 12 guys feud ..makes me laugh!! So funny! Went late night with Fi tonite (had to do grocery shopping for her mum – who’s sick) (!!!) Could not find anything I liked, to wear for tomorrow Not a single thing. Fi &I were so pissed off_ we actually had money to spend, but there was nothing we wanted to spend it on. Mark & Keith appeared (pinched my bum hard) disappeared, then reappeared before they left. Mark wanted me to buy him a shirt or something . too bad! Sweetie!!! (yukky word) Cutie! Yeah! [Oh mah Gawd] Well only biol. exam Tues. & english assign. for Friday. ∗ Gonna rage this weekend!!!! [Expectation …can lead to Disappointment…]

Friday 11/9/87

I’m tired – it’s 10:00 – I’m going to do something tomorrow night, no matter what. Pissed off, I am pissed off. I know I shouldn’t be, and I don’t want to be, but deep down I am. I went late nite shopping (with Julia) with Cameron (and as it turned out, Glyn, Deanne & Her sister) and it was so boring. Again, I saw some stuff, but nothing I thought was actually worth buying. I thought it’d be good & get my mind off Mark going to the [House on the] Hill [nightclub] tonight (Glyn was too, I think) Cameron didn’t want to & I don’t know about Steven Anyway, he was quite affectionate (well, his responses to me were very good) after school (when, incidentally, he said he wouldn’t go late night shopping with me, but denied he was going to the Hill. “Ring you tomorrow” he said) Got 24¼/50 for chem. Much better than I thought (almost passed!) [My how attitudes change! In primary school and at my previous high school (Smithfield High) this would literally have been the End of the World. Anything less than a High Achievement ‘killed’ me. I guess it’s a positive that I learnt (by default: losing interest in schoolwork due to my burgeoning social & love lives since the switch to Cairns High) to accept failure/disappointment with less Stress?] Busy day really : appointment with Ms Forbes took a while (I wore all black today) Mark wore his green shirt. I love it – so spunky! Trip to Courthouse was short really.. Trina, Becca G & I will have to be crossexamined cause we didn’t write statements .. will have to tell our story & will then be questioned. SHIT!

Saturday 12/9/87

After a pissy night last night, I wanted a great night tonight – seems everybody, everything is against me. […here we go…] I went to town this morning with Julia & mum & finally bought some tan shoes from Sportsgirl (you guessed it – to wear tonight) (After last nite – I slept badly waking lots – hoping Mark’d come to my window, like I am now) So I waited all arvy. Around 3:30-4:00, I got a little tense; still no call, let alone visit. [….and I couldn’t contact him because he was staying at a place where there was no phone…] (I’d seen him (& he saw us) in his car around 12:00, when we were on our way home & he waved) I’m SO hurt. I couldn’t stop tears now & then. He said he’d ring me & he didn’t. He must’ve forgotten (& that really hurts – to think he could forget me) After being out last night, without me, doesn’t he want to see me tonight? I am so hurt. So, of course, I stayed home even after making a skirt to wear as well. I want to get angry with him but I know I won’t. [Just as well… it wouldn’t do any good. But you have other options…] GOD IT HURTS. How could he “forget” me & if he didn’t , why didn’t he call? There’s no excuse. What’s he doing now? Who’s he with? [For all your claims about trusting him…] God, I worry too much. NO! I’VE GOT THE RIGHT to be worried & HURT

Sunday 13/9/87

I was still pissed-off (hurt) today, but it was wearing thin(-ner). I rang Fi around 11:00 – she said Jay’s BBQ wasn’t very good because Chris H rolled his car (8 or so people in it) at the bottom of Petersen St. Made Fi feel sick after that. [I can imagine: rolling bus, rolling car… too similar a feeling. I still react to excessive speed on right-hand curves to this day. A fast veer left doesn’t ignite a vague, deep-seated panic in me like the righthand turn.] I did nothing, really, all day (should’ve studied biology or done English assignment) Half-hoping Mark’d call or visit. But, alas (??), no. I thought how I’d be angry with him. So we got ready to go to the LeBerhz’s around 4:00 – leaving just after 5:00. Watched TV & video there – also talked alot about the crash, inquiry & showed my photos. Was quite good. At home, 9:30 I knew it – message for me to ring Mark (where?) […was he back at his parents’ house where there was a phone, now?] but mum said it was too late. [Our general rule was no phone calls after 7:30-8pm. It’s one I still follow today and, to be honest, I usually won’t answer my phone if someone calls after those times too. Night time is quiet time for me. (But I’m also not one for talking on the phone much anyway…)] So now I’m ready for bed: not yet too nervous about tomorrow. When will I call Mark? Where do I call him? I’ll see him tomorrow lunchtime : I will be nonchalant to him – but get angry if I need to (ha, ha as if I could.) Well I’ll try. [Entertaining Mind conversations…]

Mood Swings, Errant Incisors & The Jody Keen Memorial Trophy (31 August-6 September)

Published on August 31, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 31/8/87

Well it’s 10:30: I have only ½ my english assignment done (if I don’t hand it in before school tomorrow I get 0/20) and I have ASAT (Australian Scholastic Aptitude test) tomorrow, which I haven’t even looked at the booklet, for. [See this post from a fortnight ago if you want a little more detail about the ASAT] Great, huh? I really felt conscious today about my schoolwork .. I’m going to work harder to get everything right for my exams – maths, chem & biol. next week. [Yeah yeah, heard it all before…] MUST do well. Got my art mark Got 16/20- I was disappointed: a few people got 20’s -about 5. But I made her [my teacher] ‘up’ my mark by one, so I’m a V.H now, at least. [Well …that’s interesting. I don’t remember that, and can’t believe I was that …”assertive”. Some assertiveness in other areas of my life would’ve been helpful…] God, I’m tired & I know I’ll stuff up the ASAT tests. SHIT. I won’t even get my english assignment done. God help me. I barely talked to Mark at all today. He’s really getting me down – he is so bored with me & that really does nothing for my ego. [And I was way too young to realise that Ego IS the problem…] Wrote a letter – not sure if I’ll send it yet. I’ll get Fi to read over it & tell me if it’d make him react wrongly (ie: MAD) [LOL, a ‘wrong reaction’?!] mucked around in biol. though I actually was a bit more bold & felt really relaxed around him. could tell he was still bored with me tho’. Please change back Mark – be romantic again. [Wanting or expecting someone (anyone!) to Change = nothing but Pain]

Tuesday 1/9/87

I arrived later than usual trying to get my english done (I didn’t) went up to do ASAT tests . . were hard, generally, although some parts were easier than others. . at little lunch I left straight away: finished my assignment at home then went to see the orthopaedic surgeon (Dr Bottoms) he talked a lot went in late, of course; came out around 1:35. . […and the result was? I can’t recall, or even guess, whether this appointment was actually for my personal ‘benefit’ or related to the building of my Third Party compensation claim from the bus accident…] got back to school near start of 6th period. Boring in art; did little in chemistry (Cameron distracting me a lot) after school, I went up to talk to Mark, for the first time of the day: “What’s wrong?” I said cheerfully. No answer “OK” I said & sat next to him. He said “Don’t ever say that to me again.” I was just shocked. “What?” “What’s wrong?” I sat really bewildered & depressed & upset – I moved over to Fi & tears sprang up. What the fuck had I done wrong? I was very upset. At home rang Fi – she said ring him – wasn’t home, so rang me back – seemed cheerful enough – said “I just hate people saying that – giving me sympathy when I don’t need or want it.” SHIT. OK. I fucking got the message. Wrote another letter -told him about them & I’ll let him read them tomorrow

Wednesday 2/9/87

Fucked up day. Pissed off cause stupid bitch wouldn’t let me go for my learners cos I only had I.D. no birth certificate. Then I went to courthouse to get it & found out I have to send away to Brisbane (will take ages) then I get home this arvy & mum finds out I’ve got it after all. & tonight I’m really shitty about my teeth The fucking gap is growing bigger, still. soon it’s going to be just the same as it was – fucking mile wide. [For those who haven’t been following my ‘story’, I’d grown up with an impressive sized gap between my teeth – as well as a decent overbite – which I hated (see my post Welcome to My Life for more detail & a picture) but had to wait until I was about fourteen to receive the quite complex & lengthy corrective (orthodontic) treatment I desperately desired. Once I was permitted to ditch the final piece of oral apparatus – my plate – I didn’t realise the stubborn gap would slowly, sneakily open up again. It certainly didn’t return to its original size, and I don’t recall being overly conscious of it, but years later I finally discovered the cause: my ‘frenum’ – the tissue connecting my top lip to my gum – was so thick and large that it forced my teeth to separate again. (My sister had the same problem: thanks for those genes, mum and/or dad!) Needless to say, my dentist at the time performed a ‘frenectomy’ (ASAP!) to remove the offending tissue and my incisors slowly shifted toward each other again. Yay!] ASAT finished thank god. Saw Mark’s photo’s from (before) the formal. He got my letters but hasn’t read them yet. Bet he did tonight & I’ll bet he’s shitty tomorrow or something. [That’s positive thinking!] He’ll probably say “stuff you bitch – I won’t go out with you anymore then.” PISS OFF. I’m in the worst mood. [No?!] He was rather nice today tho’. Made an effort, kind of (Are you sure you didn’t already read those letters??) Wierd. Hot weather – but still cool at nights & in early morning (to about 9:00) Don’t be angry Mark – I love you too much. [Illogical reasoning! The act of loving someone bears little influence on their moods.]

Thursday 3/9/87

Well we had a parade this morning – Mr McKenzie received a certificate for the crash (or something) [I can’t recall this, but I am certain it would have been for his amazing conduct, leadership & compassion during and after the bus accident] and, Mark seemed O.K. today. He gave me the formal photos from his dad’s camera. This arvy I got upset a bit because he resorted to the usual “I don’t like you & I’m never going to talk to you again…” routine I’m sick of it [again; you DO have a choice…].. and I hate, detest hearing it from him. Jesus. My english exam I found pretty easy- I know I’ll pass, but don’t know how “well” I’ll do. My appointment with Ms Forbes [our school counsellor] was a waste: she was busy so I had to see that guy Mr Inskip & I forgot all my material anyway so it was a waste. […of time. And we know how much I hate ‘Waste’…] I was rude, I think – it was so tired. Finally finished copying out M’s & C’s letters. [Mark gave me these to read the week before. I must’ve found them so entertaining that I wanted to make copies. Go back to Thursday’s entry in my previous post if you want to know a bit more about them.] It’s 10:37. I’m dead! Wonder if Mark’ll talk to me tomorrow. God that hurts. I’m so sorry I’m a sook.

Friday 4/9/87

Well, we talked a bit, but after school we had a big talk. It lasted about 45 mins and, had I not been out picking Julia & Cherie up from the movies, and doing quick grocery shopping with mum, he would’ve rung & we would’ve talked more. He doesn’t know what to do about our relationship: he, oh, I don’t know (either does he) [hmmm, I’m not sure about that…] Boring day. My appointment was another waste of time today – Mr Inskip hopeless. Did QTAC forms this morning period one (the day’s timetable was totally rearranged) [The Queensland Tertiary Admissions Centre (QTAC) is the organisation that manages student course applications for pretty much all tertiary education centres in the state. You can imagine it’d be a pretty complex task…] God I’m tired. We lost the Rugby Union Final. Brothers (Saints) defeated us 14-4 & took the (new) Jody Keen Memorial Trophy. [Jody being one of our fellows killed in the bus crash. I remember feeling a bit disappointed that our CHS union team failed to claim a trophy dedicated to one of its own students, in its premier year.] P.N. spent lunch CH M,M!!! Said Hi this arv. too! [Crush, much?] Need to get to sleep soon: mima & fi & I going to town tomorrow, then Mark’ll ring or visit (he left a message on machine tonite). We’ll do something tomorrow night (He & Keith are moving into David’s (Keith’s brother’s) house for 2 weeks while he’s away) → (has no phone on) we still need to talk a lot.

Saturday 5/9/87

I slept very badly last night (Waking frequently) Woke around 7:00 this morning unable to fall asleep again, I got up. Around 8:45 mima & fi picked me up- we went to Earlville first (PN not work.) then into town.. not really exciting, but a good way to start off the weekend; just wish I had money to buy some clothes. At home, did chem, as well as resting a bit. Mark & Keith came around 3:00, we went for a drive (hockey fields) took Glyn (B.) home & then me. Jo rang tonite, after Mark; they came around 8:30 & we went to the House on the Hill. EMPTY!! Glyn came down; she had to be home by 10:00- Mark drove her. (Played pretty cool music, towards 11:00) When he came back ($ drinks) sat in Smithy’s till 11:45. (Mark was being really nice – that stuff I said about romance & chivalry might’ve got thru’ to him, because he was so sweet .. and I laughed a lot- couldn’t help smiling – even tho’ we didn’t dance (much), it was probly one of the best nights, up there .. music & Mark – the way he was!) Picked Glyn up [continued next page:]

Sunday 6/9/87

→again and back at David’s, we tried (supposedly) to sleep, but mucked around. I could never get bored with the ‘foreplay’ Glyn left around 3:00 – came in, & let us know she was going (!!!) […hmmm…] Slept – so tired. I woke around 6:00. . couldn’t sleep again for a while (wanted M. to wake but he wouldn’t) so eventually I dozed off. around 9:00 we were both wide awake & mucking around again. Keith “chucked a fit” around 10:00 (“Get up – make a move”) After one crumpet, they took me home, where I dozed & slept till about 2:00 . . Mark rang, mid afternoon – sweet! I was surprised he rang “for no reason” – just to talk. And that we did (not a long phone call- I don’t like long calls anymore after that arguement he had with his folks that time) so I did chem. before going to dad’s. [Aha… Father’s Day] We sat for ¾hr waiting before going home again (where I tried to do maths) He rang about 8:30- said he only just got home. Too bad – he’s coming ‘fore school 2morrow to get his prezzy. It’s almost 10:00 now, I must get some more sleep!!! I ♥ MARK.

OJ Spews, ‘Approximate Exactitude’ & Relief for Nana (10-16 August)

Published on August 10, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 10/8/87

Felt a bit down again this morning. I can’t get over the time he spent with her. All night they talked – all night I believe nothing happened. I really do, but it still hurts to think he spent 5 odd hours talking to her.. alone, without getting bored. He would never do that with me. Can you understand? [Oh I understand something completely different…] It makes me feel really down- [like] I bore him or something. Anyway I perked up around lunchtime (incidentally I don’t like Angela’s hair black, at all) See, it is jealousy – I’m jealous that she can keep him interested, that he would talk with her alone all night without getting bored. […and my opinion about her new hair colour would most likely have been a little tainted by this jealousy…] God it hurts so much. It’s pointless me trying to let him know. I’ve tried in the past to talk & explain – its useless – he doesn’t hear me. [Soooo… maybe don’t try ..and save some of your precious energy?] What am I doing here, then? [Exactly.] Did some HW tonight. I resent any talk about that night. [Privacy omission] said “as a joke” something to Nicole about Mark wanting to fuck her. THAT IS REALLY SICK. [What I’m unable to illustrate – due to the limitations of computer text options – is how heavily I had underlined the word ‘really’ (see pic). Not once, but four times. I evidently felt strongly about this…] another late night.

Tuesday 11/8/87

Strangely, we’ve been getting on pretty well over the past few days. Wonder why? [Now the positives induce suspicion.. this isn’t ‘healthy’.] It’s wierd. [and I continue to spell ‘weird’ incorrectly…] Anyway I woke this morning with a sore throat, from all my coughing & I felt a little sick in a wierd way. I was also v. tired. I went to school anyway, thinking it was over-fatigue, but at school it got worse (on & off) By the end of lunchtime I had the biggest headache so Jason drove me home. I bombed out and slept till about 3:19 [LOL. “about” 3:19? What, was it 3:18 and 54 seconds… or a few milliseconds after 3:19? Approximate exactitude is oxymoronic!] (heard the answering machine), then till about 3:45 when mum & Jules arrived home. I slept the rest of the afternoon (after some chips) my throat is dry & a bit sore from all the coughing & my headache is horrible. I had some fish for tea: not much + pineapple (sickly) Dozed in front of T.V. till mum “dragged” me to bed about 8:00-8:30. [One of the sweeter, long-lost memories of my mum’s expression of love for me: I can hear her in my groggy stupor murmuring my name, gently shaking, then trying to lift me up from whatever position I’d languished in. And when I acquiesced, she’d’ve escorted my aimless body all the way to my bed.] Hope I get better for Friday – baseball & Sat nite-Nigel’s party. Was going to ring Mark, but headache was too bad & I was too weak to bother

Wednesday 12/8/87

Really restless sleep last night – about 11:30 I woke…and vomited (chips, fish & orange juice) [oh, the burn! OJ is possibly the worst thing to regurgitate I think…] stayed home today (for sure!) Mark didn’t ring & I couldn’t be bothered to ring him. Fiona, Jason & Anna dropped round after school sometime, for a short while. My headache disappeared this morning – today I had fever (temp.) cough and sinus blockage and was very tired and weak. Is about 9:00 or so now. Auntie Ruth [my mum’s aunt – one of my grandmother’s (many) sisters] arrived around 7:45 tonight. Read my novel all day. Ate 3 mandarins & an orange .. lots of vitamin C. Am taking tomorrow off as well, to make sure I’m better for the weekend. [Because my social life was always first priority…] Did no work & I have an english assignment due on Friday + a biol test on Tuesday. Heavens above! (←ha!) [I’m probably laughing at myself using such ‘dated’ – and semi-religious – terminology here.]

Thursday 13/8/87

Slept very restlessly last night; woke nearly every hour, I think. I heard the phone ring around 6:00 this morning. Nana died. [Clearly my great-aunt Ruth arrived just in time for her sister’s passing, but I’m not sure whether she actually got to visit her.] I didn’t cry when mum told me & I don’t think I really will cry over the fact that she’s dead → I’m so glad she’s out of her misery – she was in a lot of it. [And that was it. I think, having personally met with Death in such an intense and unique way just six months earlier myself, I was somewhat prepared emotionally – and spiritually – for this moment, which is evident in my reasoning. I still believe – in fact more now than ever – that ‘wherever’ we ‘go’ when we pass is ‘better’. At this point in time, I was comforted by the ‘knowledge’ that leaving her gnarled body, Nana was now free of the insufferable rheumatoid arthritic pain. And to be brutally honest, since I wasn’t terribly close to her (we ‘clashed’ a lot in my early teens) I wasn’t going to miss her presence on a daily basis as I did Monique’s…] I spent the day reading again.. no fever – am just very tired & have the cough & nasal congestion still, but I feel (and Auntie Ruth agrees) that after tonight’s sleep I’ll be fine. I hope so. I rang Mark tonight .. cos it didn’t look like he was going to ring me. He was at Earlville with Terry ..so rang back. The phone did not stop ringing tonite – Keith & Jemima also rang me. My eyes are stinging – I need sleep to get better. I had 4 (or 5??) mandarins today! (+ dinner – veges) so I should have the vitamins required to boost my energy level tomorrow. [See? Even back then I was acquiring and demonstrating basic nutrition knowledge, hinting at my innate passion for the subject!] Haven’t done english assignment. Too bad. I’ll come late to school: miss double english. Is 9:45 …To sleep!!!

Friday 14/8/87

I’m feeling quite a bit better now. See, this morning I woke – feeling absolutely normal .. until I got up. The cough was persistent and even got worse early tonight, and my tiredness, fatigue & weak feelings plagued me (Making my joints feel heavy, and ache) I went to school anyway – it was a total waste. At little lunch (I went to school during 3rd period) I had to go up to Mark. He said one or two things & that was it. Didn’t even turn to face me, or offer to make room for me to sit down. So I went & sat on my own, practically, he walked past & did nothing. He walked to art ahead of me. Love the concern he shows for me. (He doesn’t – that’s just it, elissa – you should know by now it’s the way he is.) [ …if that’s so, and you aren’t happy, why persist?] so I was really depressed & mum picked me up at big lunch. I dozed at home. Mike & Cynthia bought over dinner – Golden Rooster. Couldn’t eat too much my stomach has shrunk. Is 9:30. I had a lemon & honey drink (YUK) as a last resort. [And I bloody-well love those things now… with ginger and turmeric added as well. Here’s a link to the recipe on my food blog, Food Fervour] Good sleep tonite & hopefully I’ll be fine for the party. Mark really gets to me. [You “let” him. No one is put on this Earth to either elate nor annoy You.] Hey! I’m not coughing!!! (Yet – touch wood!)

Saturday 15/8/87

I woke this morning – coughing. [I obviously didn’t touch any wood?] Alas & alack! But it was easier for me to stand etc. I still get times when my joints (limbs) ache & feel weak, but not as much, and not as bad, as before. We went to the doctor & got amoxyl (penecillan) & cough tablets. [So it obviously wasn’t a flu or viral infection after all?] I’ve been resting a fair bit today, in preparation for the party. (I’m going- there’ll be plenty of opportunities for me to sit down if I need it, mima said) Mark hasn’t rung. I’ve been thinking alot while lying down today… nothing’s the same anymore. We need the biggest, longest talk. There’s a lot of sorting out to do. A lot. [Talking… sorting out… it’s pointless when only one party is ‘interested’…] I’m not exactly “elated” in this relationship. [You don’t say?] He doesn’t make me feel like the ‘princess’ I used to be. [*NB: back in the 80’s being a ‘princess’ didn’t have the negative connotations that it can these days.] But that’s not all. [….well, what?] It’s almost 6:00. Am going around 8:30. [There was no mark in my diary to indicate I’d finished the earlier segment of my entry, but from here on in I’m clearly writing at a later point in time (most likely when I got home) describing my night:] It [the party] wasn’t that good. In fact, a waste of time. Only having tea when Jemima, Brent & Fi arrived ..at Nigel’s it was boring. No one there. saw Mark & Keith once, they came back & went again. I went and lay down in Nigel’s room (feeling ill) Jemima, Brent, Jason & Fi talking to me. Mark told Sue he didn’t think I liked him. He thought I didn’t like him. (How?) went downstairs & Keith was there – took us to the other party everyone was raving about, At Toogood Road. TONNES, & I mean TONNES of people there→

Sunday 16/8/87

I was bored: Feeling ill, I needed to sit down all the time + problem of Mark – I asked him about it, but he seemed reluctant to talk so left him alone all night. I asked him to take me home, but I went with Brett instead (Cameron too). Just dropped cameron off – in Collins Ave. Brett stopped & I was sick (O.J.) At home I bombed out & I didn’t wake till around 10:00-10:30 this morning. Party was the pits. I asked nearly everyone if they knew what was up with Mark, [oh Elissa!] No one did tho’. Watched TV, rested today. Mark & Keith came over around 3:00 in the afternoon. Left soon after. I asked Mark to come around again tonight. We went to the park.. bit hard to get started talking, straight away, and the talk was not quite what I expected it to be. It’s really strange. This week, Mark was, apparently, really insecure – thought I was going to end the relationship. I can tell he still feels different, in a way. But it mattered a lot to him. And after that party I realised it. He not only loves me, he’s devoted, too. [You can’t be serious?] He left around 9:00. I watched mini-series show. Is now 10:40. Clean my teeth & off to bed.

Tertiary Ed Enquiries, Hurt Feelings & Tears for Nana (3-9 August)

Published on August 3, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 3/8/87

O.K. day. Couldn’t concentrate, though – still in great spirits from the weekend… so excited. Wish we could have it all over again. Rushed a shitty english assignment tonight. Really stupid. I hate it. Will have to read over & fix up (a lot) tomorrow Mark flicking me with rope & being a nusance (??) […I wasn’t sure I’d spelled nuisance correctly…] He rang me this arvy, cause he thought I’d be sooky. What a joker. Sometimes they really get to me, though. Getting hot again- too early. Had no fucking winter at all- piss me off. [Not these days, it wouldn’t…] Saw a few photos today; none of our group, though. Can’t wait till they’re all done. Ate a lot of shit food this arvy. Unnecessary. It’s 10:44 : I shouldn’t be having such a late night. Wanna sleep in, but probably won’t be able to. SCHOOL’S SO BORING.

Tuesday 4/8/87

I got rather upset today at lunchtime. In fact I was (felt) nearly ready to break up with him (but I knew I wouldn’t, couldn’t) [of course not…] His jokes go too far. It’s not fair, I feel as if I’m doing all the giving; he’s taking. It’s just as well I’m so goddammed patient & forgiving (I love him too much) [Needy? Possessive?] I hate his pride; his self esteem. I feel I’m competing with it all the time. What really hurt was when he got out his NIKKO pen and scribbled out (on his port) my name: “Elissa loves me” & wrote “sux”. THAT HURTS MORE THAN I CAN SAY I hope you’re reading this. [!!!] I hope I will get through to you one day about just how gentle you need to be with me. Be thankful I have little pride, [oh dear] & lots of patience.. DON’T TAKE ME FOR GRANTED. [It’s incredible how completely your perspectives can change over time.] I had dance practise at Smithfield High tonite. Boring. The dances are silly- I don’t like them. I’m much more at home with CHS & those dance pracs. we had. [I developed an intense ‘loyalty’ to Cairns High …or should I say, bias?] Got my english done. No other HW, tho’. Mark asked me if I’d like to watch them play Americans [in baseball, I assume] Friday Arvy. Wonder if he still does? (Seeing as I suck) [ouch!] So tired. So bored.

Wednesday 5/8/87

Yet again: another late night. (10:30) I am so tired. I can never seem to get any HW done, either. Better mood today.. I said hi to him (thought “uh-oh”) […expecting no, or worse a negative, reaction] but he turned & smiled! (kind of). Not so joking in biol., then big lunch was really good. I was in a crazy (laughing) mood & we got on v. well. I think he was even affectionate, in a way!!! [Yo-yo relationship much?] Then Cameron, no, Brent doubled me to the North Cairns Reserve … caught up with Fi, Anna, Danäe, Juliet, Colleen & Jude. No one was there for soccer [I’m assuming this was my recreation choice for this semester]: a lady came & told us that for this day it was at Endeavor Park. We were too lazy to walk there (too far!) So went to Jude’s & watched Days of our Lives. Linda got photos developed – I’d like some of them. Warm weather. SHIT. Dance practise boring. (Jason P was there: he took me home this arvy) God I’m tired. Must do some work soon. Mark (& the boys) are going out Sat. night. I want to go to Croc Rock after the [Smithfield] formal, but no one else seems to want to. Even if she [who?] did & wanted after to go to the party.. [Wha..?] Mark’d probly not want me to hang around the guys. “BOYS NIGHT” I guess. [Well that was one confusing little sentence there. I obviously had one particular girlfriend in mind, whom I (failed to name, and) was hoping might accompany me after the formal to the night club and/or party …even though my ultimate aim was to locate my boyfriend… whom I then presumed most likely wouldn’t want me there?!]

Thursday 6/8/87

Well, he wasn’t quite “affectionate” today: I was the one who did all the “first moves” They’re (the boys) are going out Saturday night (boy’s night (!!)) We didn’t talk very much, but got on …O.K. when we did. So cool tonite (expected min. 15) I was quite cold at times today – a cold (cool) wind blowing. My appointment (with mima) with Ms Forbes this afternoon was very long, but I’ve sorted out basically what courses I’m looking at, and what uni’s & colleges I’ll attend. [You mean, you’ll “apply for”… not very many walk straight into their ideal course…] (No HW tonite) Finished my formal film today, at lunchtime [to explain to the youth again: when we took photos (with actual cameras, not phones) back in the day, we had to put a little canister inside the camera, which contained only enough film for a certain number of photos. I’d clearly not used up my reel’s quota at the formal so brought my camera to school and took random shots on this day in order to ‘finish the film’] – can’t wait for it to be developed + the professional photos are done: they’re excellent, but so expensive. Bored out of my wits in art all day. Is 9:40.. earlier than usual tonite! Nice & cool (cold) My feet are cold! Mark & I should do something together tomorrow night, if he wishes. (Hope so) [Oh good god; if that doesn’t scream ‘subservience’ I don’t know what does…]

Friday 7/8/87

*Took first pill tonight. Today was a fairly good day. Got to school a bit late … double english was a bludge – still watching Macbeth video: went to see Ms. Forbes, but mima and I spent our whole time (3rd period) sorting out differences in courses offered last year & this year. BORING. NO, interesting really. Am tired now. How will I last tomorrow night? [Did I actually mean, would I stay awake? Or was I referring to ‘surviving’ the formal it appeared I wasn’t keen on attending?] Double art talked all about the crash. Am getting $52 worth of those professional photos (that’s only 14 – RIP OFF!) [Approximately $3.72 per photo.. hmm, I can’t imagine professional photos would be that cheap nowadays?] Speaking of which, my formal photos are pretty good! “Bludge” day. Fire alarm during last period (chem.) after school, Jason took us to Rugby Union match.. CHS: Cameron, Chris & Glyn (etc) playing Brothers (Saints) Lo & behold P, N, I went [over the moon]!! [I’d thrown a little ‘cryptic’ illustration in (see pic) instead of blatantly writing the ‘incriminatory’ words. Incriminatory because …how could I be attracted to anyone else when I already had a boyfriend?] When I got home, rang Mark – but he rang back when he got home! I went to his house around 7:15. We did nothing really .. went for a drive with Sandra & her friend (forgot her name) to pick Paul up from work. After we lazed round in his room.. then about an hour before I left, around 12:30 we ….. we amused ourselves doing …well… GUESS→special significance→* [Alrighty then! Even though I know most of you would have put two and two together I decided, since a picture speaks a thousand words, to include one from my diary for, you know, even more clarity. You see, I often wrote more than the lines on the page would allow so I’d return to the top margin of the page to continue the entry (if need be). So you can now comprehend the role of those punctuative arrows above.] Am so tired- is 1:30 & is raining. Tomorrow nite (after the formal) should be ACE

Saturday 8/8/87

Spent the day doing nothing: we fixed my black dress with the turtleneck (my CAD exhibition one) up for the formal (well, mum did, with Mrs B’s help, when she & Jemima came to visit: I had very little to do with it) [honesty!] Did run late: Gordon came & I was still finishing make-up. Forgot the pill ..2nd night & I forgot, so, after picking up Justine & Jason (& getting photos done – we’ll be in the paper!) we were running late when we went back to my place so I could take it. [Oh really? What would I have said, I wonder? “Hey guys I forgot to take my contraceptive pill, can we please go back for that? It’s really important because I’ve only just started taking it” …just doesn’t seem like something I’d say.] At the formal, it was a bit boring at first, but ended up like a dance at the end (that Allen guy is really nice!!) Around 1:30 Jason took me to this guy’s place [?] and he “escorted” me in.. […to the ‘guy’s place? No, it turns out I’ve written another confusing sentence: it appears we dropped by some guy’s place then went to the House on the Hill (Crocodile Rock) where Jason ‘escorted’ me in…] Guess what? I should’ve expected it ..they weren’t there : none of the guys.. [nor] Joannah or Sharon. Only Colleen and Anna. They said they’d come back soon, cos’ they had to pick them up (they went to the party) But we danced till 3:00→ a whole hour & they never came. So 3:15 I got Jay to take me to the party: and, you guessed it, they’d already left there. I was so upset & pissed off. How could they [next page…]

Sunday 9/8/87

→do this? Especially Joannah (& Sharon & Jude) cos’ she said she would meet me there: we arranged it. And she went back on her word. So Jay took me home & I went to sleep around 4:30. Woke this morning to the fucking phone : Mum was in the shower, so I had to answer it. I’m so tired. And feel .. well, I can’t describe it. I am v. pissed off but I know I won’t be able to get mad with anyone I haven’t the courage. I shouldn’t feel this, but I’m upset about it : esp. thinking about Mark. Fuck it. I’m so angry. WHY couldn’t they have waited ½hr till I got there; then left with me SHIT. Keith rang me today: I missed them by only minutes at the party: I found out when Jo rang tonight that Mark spent nearly all the time talking to Angie (M) and he rang after that to tell me they were just talking. It felt so good: I felt so much better hearing it. from him. I wish I could let him know that I like him to tell me.. That I believe his word. That is trust. (Part of it anyway – a big part – I’m trusting him to tell the truth.) Bludged today – did nothing constructive Saw Nana from 2:15-3:30. I cried. She’s going around the bend. Physically, she’s in great pain (on morpheine) & a vegetable mentally (due to morpheine, brandy (for the pain) and lack of oxygen) She is delirious & doesn’t know anything.. moans, mumbles & groans continuously. [This visit was more heartbreaking for me than when she actually passed: I remember clearly being so upset I had to go outside and one of the nurses comforted me. I’m not sure about the brandy but she was definitely high on morphine. Her drug-induced dementia really upset me the most: she couldn’t recognise me let alone hold a conversation. To this day I would say that my pain was primarily fuelled by my desire to express my love (and say my goodbyes) to her, to have them acknowledged and returned…]

Rocky Relations, Ambulance Chasers & the Red Letter Day (20-26 July)

Published on July 21, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 20/7/87

Why do I bother opening my mouth? It seems every word I utter is ridiculous, stupid & ends up hurting someone (Mark, of course) [With hindsight I can say this is ‘doubtful’] I woke this morning, after an O.K. sleep, to a practically pain-free throat, but it still felt wierd. [I consistently spell this word incorrectly. And I mean, all the time!] I stayed home; sleeping until about 11:30 (on & off) (I think I needed that) As the day progressed I felt better & better. After my haircut (had trouble, still, talking to Annette; my voice is extremely nasally & feels “false) Beka rang, then Mark. And thats when it happened. I don’t really like some of the things he told me. They got me worried (but, strangely, I’m not, in a way) – he said he sometimes feels hatred for me [well that’s full on…] Great. No matter how angry or upset I am with him, I could never feel hatred. [Same goes for anyone or anything. Hatred is not in my vocab…] He said his feelings for me “might have” changed. What does that mean? [I think it’s pretty obvious] How could he not like me anymore?? [Remember when your parents split up?] I can’t accept this. It’s the same as last year – no matter how hard I try, I will not believe he doesn’t like me. [Denial] Not a good phone call at all, after all. He said we’d talk tomorrow. SHIT [and here we go again…] 9:20

Tuesday 21/7/87

I got to school late as possible today. But he came even later….near the end of double maths. And at the end of the lesson, you should’ve seen him up & out of that classroom, fast as a bullet It was quite obvious he didn’t wish to walk me to art. I spoke not a word during little lunch. In biol, near the end, I tried But finally he snapped, “I don’t feel like talking now – it’s got nothing to do with you.” Bullshit. That’s why he’s talking & mucking round with everyone else. It’s a bit obvious. Just a bit. [Sarcasm …in case you hadn’t detected it] Jemima came to the Esplanade with me. I was quite upset to start with. I barely sorted anything out with her. [Meaning she couldn’t shed any light on the situation for you, make you feel any better? Not that that was her responsibility…] Back at school, I stuck with her & noticed (lo & behold) Nicole sitting right between him & Keith. Vengance? Perhaps? No, he’s not like that. I talked to Keith in art. He didn’t know a thing. Cameron said in chem. Glyn saw me crying. I denied it. Only more evidence that I’m a sook After school I went straight to the car. Waited all arvy for Keith to call. He said Mark didn’t/wouldn’t say anything when he’d asked him after school & when he rang [who? Keith or Mark?] he couldn’t talk for long- Mark not allowed on the phone. [That’s a tad confusing] God, it gets me right DOWN

Wednesday 22/7/87

Well, well, well. I got a little depressed. I talked to him a little; asking questions etc in biol. and I got ‘grunts’ for most answers. I cannot see how, if he has problems at home, he must ignore me. So we didn’t talk the rest of the day till tonite at dance practise. And even then, to start with, it was very forced – strictly “business” (not pleasure, understand?) Oh well .. we can waltz now! Our Pride of Erin is exceptional!! I was so confused -he wasn’t looking in my eyes- avoiding them, yet now & then he’d touch my hand, pat my face. After, I tried to talk, but it was pointless. He said we could tomorrow. He said his feelings for me have changed. [that’s twice now, Elissa] I asked how +ve or -ve & he said Both ways. Well, Jezus, if I’m not worried, and upset and depressed and .. CONFUSED. [No surprises there] He left said “Bye.” Seigi talking to me she said “Do you hate Nicole?” SKINT [“how embarrassing to be confronted”] “No,” I reckon “why?” “lotsa people think you do” “who” “my friends, Nicole even.” Well, I went on about “well I am a bit pissed off with her sucking up to Mark” etc. Got out of that O.K. [Sounds like I was being dishonest, but I actually wasn’t: I didn’t hate her (I can’t ‘hate’ anybody) …I was just highly insecure… and whenever she gained his attention (whether or not she sought it intentionally – and I had obviously decided it was…) I was just plain old jealous. And it’s quite common for the jealous (fearful) to react negatively to their stimuli!] Spent sports arvy at Fi’s shop again. My cold/flu whatever it is, is O.K. I’m congested (mucus) and there’s a cough “on the rise”. I’m tired. NERVOUS- tomorrow!! MARK, THIS HAS TO BE THE LAST (for a long time, anyway) […last what? Argument? Talk? Ultimatum? Decision? Scare? I think I deliberately left the ball in his court: if there was to be a break up, I was not going to be ‘the bad guy’…]

Thursday 23/7/87

My voice kind of disintegrated today ..after all that talking & “squealing” at last night’s dance practise. It was really funny (my attempts at laughing.. ha ha!) Wonder if it’ll be the same tomorrow? Well, Mark & I talked a little today. Not much at all, but more than ever so far, this week. At the end of big lunch, he even joked with me! (& Fiona etc….of course) So I was quite happy. But things are still… “tense” (shall we say?) I think. We need to have a talk, ’cause nothing’s been sorted out, really. He’s paying for our formal tickets ($20 ea) + after formal party tickets ($5) so I pay for the limosine ($30) That’s pretty ~~fair~~ good! Went to the solicitor this arvy→ my summons [for the bus crash inquest] will be awhile, coming, yet.(cause my medical report is extensive) Everyone else, nearly, seems to have theirs now. Steve S [solicitor] reckons (told mum after I’d left the office) that I could claim $100 000!! [this is with regard to third party compensation from the bus accident] (He said he’d be very surprised if I got less than $40 000!! WOW!!!!) I’m not supposed to tell anyone. [I’m going to be a negative spoiler right now and reveal that that was WAY off the mark …and I now believe it was simply a carrot dangled in front of my mother, to secure her (our) representation ….by a law firm with a reputation for being ‘ambulance-chasers’…] Jesus, I hope Mark & I can sort things out soon very soon. I had my last dress fitting today. picking it up tomorrow. It’s beautiful. 10:45 Late nite must get more sleep

Friday 24/7/87

It got to me today; Mark’s mood. I really can’t understand what’s wrong & he won’t talk to me; I’d hoped we could do something tonight so I could talk to him, but his whole weekend, it seems, is conveniently set up already. It hurts so much. I really felt like balling my eyes out this afternoon. I’m SURE something’s up; he’s bored with me – falling “out of love”. [He has twice said this week that his feelings have changed. That’s pretty clear… But I know you were waiting to hear the exact words from him …your tenacity translating to stubbornness…] Am worried about something he’d said at lunchtime to Cameron (a joke or not?) about some “surprise” after or at the formal – something I won’t like. I rang Cameron tonight. He said all Mark’s said to him is he’s pissed off with my whingeing [….about? Wanting to talk and obtain a resolution?] FAIR ENOUGH. I haven’t exactly been very tactful. SO GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE, WILL YOU? [A second chance at what? I’m confused with my own train of thought here…] God, I love you SO MUCH. I don’t think you really know how much – & you aren’t “free” to let me tell you. [Telling someone how much you love them won’t make them love you more. Ever heard of ‘unrequited love’?] I went to town with mum & jules after school – get stockings & my dress!!! Saw Fi; she said Keith & Mark are in town tonight. That’s nice. [Not Happy Jan!] I’m going to town with Cameron tomorrow – helping him look for things for the formal (something for me to do – Mark won’t call me or anything) I’ll want to call Keith tomorrow sometime- talk to him. [Trying to get blood from a stone?] Got my report card today: got 46% chem- unbelievable!! [unbelievably good or bad?] Also got my summons!! !! ALL WE EVER TALK ABOUT NOW IS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FORMAL That’s all.

Saturday 25/7/87

Town with Cameron was O.K. Mark & Keith were in there too (Cameron saw them before meeting me) We never ran into them. We did see Glyn & Sue B tho’. Walked alot. Having lunch, we had a short but serious talk about love, mainly. He thinks Moni would’ve been perfect for him. Too late, Cameron. [Monique had been interested him towards the end of Year 11 but he didn’t reciprocate her feelings (see Thursday’s entry in this post for the revelation) I wonder if his change of heart was authentic or simply borne of Regret, following her death?] Told me also that Mark was sick of my whingeing. So that’s it. Well, I missed the bus so rang Mum (Sharon got a lift to the hockey fields) [Random! Where did Sharon fit into the picture?] Keith called at home. Invited me over for the night (his parents were away) Tried to get Fi too, but wasn’t home. I got there around 2:00 & got onto Fi soon after- she had to babysit. We went into the boardroom & played Triv. Pursuit. Then polka. [I think that’s meant to be Poker] Stupid “singing dare” game. I refused to take part in…got upset → the guys eventually gave up (I thought they never would.) After dinner, walked to Drive In Bottle shop → 1 bottle rum. Not enough Coke at home → the mixture was ∴ [symbol for ‘therefore’] very potent. The video was sick, so in the boardroom we played a “Truth” game. Soon we just talked, without the game part (honestly talking honestly) Found out some interesting things – Mark said he could marry Angie M, Fiona & me; Keith

Sunday 26/7/87

→ said Angie M. me & Tricia. Heaps of other things. I kept drinking → thought the alcohol effect would wear off too quickly. [Uh oh…] I really overdid it this time (the 1st time) I remember crying (the conversation was about Monique) – Keith left the room – Mark took me & put me in the shower 5 mins after – I spewed YUKKY. Out of there, I (dunno what I did) then into the toilet YUKKY! Cleaned my teeth .. Mark & I talked (I bombed out → Mark & Keith said-they did heaps in that time)before) after: lotsa things. [?!?] Um. We got to sleep around 2:00 – woke 5:30. RED LETTER: no more the virgin mary. (not completely – no climax cos’ no contraception) up at 8:30- I went & watched baseball (they lost) Home→ dropped off stuff. Short time at Keith’s before Mark & I went to dance practise – for about ½hr. Drove me home & I did NOTHING. Should’ve slept- am so tired now – need it like anything. Eyes are dead. Well, I’m sure I won’t get that drunk ever again (not vomitting, anyway.) [Hahahahaha ….hahahahaha…. so, SO hilarious! I do not need to convince anyone that I was just a TAD deluded there…] overcast weather cool day. Haven’t even started Smithfield formal dress. [Spending well over $200 on my Cairns High formal outfit meant the other formal dress had to be a home-made job. Just as well my mum was pretty good on the machine …even though she didn’t think so, herself.] NO HW done this weekend. SHIT

A Bleeding Mole, a Prudent Prescription & the Show (13-19 July)

Published on July 16, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 13/7/87

Ugh! I hate school. It’s so boring & ….. boring!! Rebecca G’s back in Cairns – at school. But that doesn’t really bother me – she doesn’t talk anyway (to me) We’re back in F block for maths. Wowee. How boring. Mark came late, but smiled at me when I saw him. We barely talked at all (end of recess, in biol & after school). Most of it was stirring anyway. On the way home we honked the horn & I gave him the forks – he rang me tonight & everything seemed much better (even though we were still joking around). I think he got off his “high horse” (maybe?) – realised what he was doing. Anyway was really cool today & is cool tonite. Spent the lunch hour on the oval in the sun. There’s a mole on stomach- bleeding. [Well aren’t these back-to-back sentences pretty much ‘oxymoronic’? The sun + bleeding moles = ?!?!] Worrying me a bit. [Really?] Hope its not cancerous. [In all fairness, the lunchtime sun-soak wouldn’t’ve registered to me at all because we didn’t know back then that skin cancers (esp. melanoma) can ‘originate’ in places never seen by the sun…] Talked to mum tonight about the pill – she’s not really impressed, but she knows its for the best [What mama is ever truly happy about her girl reaching this rite-of-passage? (I don’t even have to mention Dads!) I imagine it’s more just a sign of her baby growing up too fast…] Watching mini series again tonight. Finished 11:30 last nite. Same tonite???

Tuesday 14/7/87

10:30 it finished last night & 10:30 again tonite. Gosh it’s cool! Beautiful weather Just right. I’d love summers like this – imagine, then, the winters! [Hmmm, my attitude towards the seasons has pretty much reversed over the years…] Today was O.K. seemed to go rather fast. Rang Mark tonight, briefly. I went to see Mrs E this afternoon – for a dress fitting – she’s only just begun the lining! Hope it gets finished! Then I went to the doctor to see about this bleeding mole- he said it’s “malignant” (whatever that means) [“not good”] & he ripped it off. [..which I find confusing. If it was truly malignant, there should have been further testing. If I had misunderstood the doctor, and he was simply intimating that it may become malignant – removal without follow up could be expected. But if there was minimal chance of it being a threat (and I have realised many ‘mole-morphing’ experiences over the years) the removal may have been some sadistic power-play?!!] Now I’ve got a kind of scab. I also asked (shame!) [shame because it’s an ‘admission’!] about the pill – he wrote a prescription out, but said to start first pack after next period; even then, must wait until I’ve finished that pack (of approx. 21 or 28 pills) before it becomes effective. So it’ll be a while yet. Did barely any homework. am so tired. Riding tomorrow 1st dance practise tomorrow night but Mark doesn’t want to go: State of Origin III match is on. mini-series ended tonite – was fantastic!!! Busy day tomorrow (I think!) SHOW!!! [Oh how I loved the Show back then. I think it stemmed from my social nature: as a younger teen it was the most ‘popular’ event I could ever attend… I used to get excited wondering how many people I would run into in the crowd of strangers…]

Wednesday 15/7/87

All these late nights!! It’s almost 11:00 now. Today was O.K. I thought I’d missed mima & fiona, but they were just a little late. Dad stopped us around Suicide Bend [a severe curve in the road between Stratford and Aeroglen at which a number of historic fatalities occurred. The road is now known as the Stratford Connection Road but we certainly didn’t know it by that name back in the 80’s …I just can’t remember what it was: Aeroglen Drive or Kamerunga Road? …Anyone?] and, get this, gave me $40 (for Jules & I for the show) can you believe it? We didn’t even have to ask! Wow!! [As often happens with split homes, one parent ends up dishing out more money than the other in the rearing of offspring. I think it’s unavoidable even in the most amicable of relationships disintegrations. Living with mum meant she bore the financial brunt of our upbringing. Rather than Dad being a conscious miser, I believe things simply just ‘didn’t occur’ to him. It fits with the adage “out of sight, out of mind”.] Did biol. HW at school. Got on really well with mark today- I mean we didn’t talk too much more than usual, but we were in better spirits (I think) – he seemed much nicer; a little more affectionate (although he wasn’t) [what the?! …he was but he wasn’t?] Don’t worry – I can’t explain. [obviously] At lunchtime (after) Mima, Fi, Polly, Anna, Joannah, Myuko & I went to Fi’s shop to miss athletics tryouts. Talked, laughed ate. After 3:00, got our bikes & (after mima’s dress fitting) rode home really fast! (Pushing my leg to its limit! Ha, ha) Late nite was v. unsuccessful – nothing at all, I really like. At home watched TV & got bag from mima’s. OW! Bit my gum this arvy – its sore now. my stomach mole’s O.K now. Mum’s pushing me about the pill “Are you sure about Mark? I want you to be absolutely sure about him…” etc [Well, this is truly an eye-opener for me. Aside from mum’s innate parental concern for her daughter, this is the first moment I have realised that she perhaps didn’t overly approve of my boyfriend. In her defense, it would have been crystal clear how affected I was by him; my moods and reactions relative to the relationship highs and lows. I mean, if I as an adult now cringe at what I allowed myself to experience, I can imagine how it could have felt for my loving mother to watch…] Had to pay for painting stretcher today (out of my $20 for the show – now I have only $14 left. Great)

Thursday 16/7/87

Great day! I’m in a really good mood! Only one problem – Fi’s sick .. but if she rests tomorrow all day she should be O.K (I hope so) for it. School was boring, of course .. the Canadian marching band did a display this morning after parade, so that shortened our lessons. (It was really good!) I rode by myself. to school (wondering at the time why I possibly did) but on the way home I enjoyed it. We got ready, took Amanda & Jules to the show then went to Earlville. I was almost giving up hope when, wait for it, we went in to ROCKMANS & I found some black pants!! WOW! Then I purchased” a red shaker-knit cotton jumper (men’s) so I was in a good mood – watched the model search thingy (with mima, Pol, anna, danae, colleen, juliet, nina …so on) _both heats (Tricia was in the last one – my God – I would never dream of doing that if I was her (if I was me, anyway!)) [Such high and rigid expectations of Beauty thanks to the Media and my own low Self Esteem..] VOMIT! [Harsh reactions again hint at Insecurity… and perhaps Jealousy: that she had the self confidence/esteem/love to have a go in the first place. We often attack or lash out when coming from a place of Fear…] went home with Brewers .. mima & I decided to ride to the beach tomorrow morning – At home I rang Mark straight away – but I’m going to ring again tomorrow. Still not sure exactly what the plans are for tomorrow (night) – after the show, too (the [House on the] Hill, [that is, Crocodile Rock nightclub] staying at Fi’s.) Hafta work it all out.

Friday 17/7/87

Didn’t ride to the beach-mima had to stay to meet her granny. I “wasted” the morning – watching TV, weaving (for art). Did a little exercise→ rode to the shop for mum. Rang mima & fi & got “plans” sorted out; got ready around 3:30→ went to Fi’s at 4:20 – finished getting ready, before walking to mima’s. Picked up Jo & Geoff. M too . . got there around 5:45 – got to the Big Ferris wheel [the ‘meeting point’] around 6:03, I reckon. Mark showed up at 6:15- had been waiting at the little Ferris wheel. But, he went again to the pub. Met him at 7:00 – he was teasing me about Phil C (was there with P. N. & some others) YUM, YUM. I did end up talking to him, too; he has changed- is much, much less shy than last year. I think he’d be a really cool friend to have. I went on 1 ride spent a record minimum (less than $5 I’m sure) this year. Mark was away most the time – at the end I felt I was being ignored/avoided. IT HURTS so much. Around 11:30 went to the Hill. I got in no sweat (no questions . nothing!! WOWEE) Was good, except was hot & smoky inside. But I wasn’t exactly happy. I felt, especially towards the end, very unloved, boring, sad, lonely, depressed & a bit pissed off. […anything else?…] Why does Mark treat me the way he does? God it hurts so much. [No…why do you put up with the ‘treatment’? You have a choice. It’s nothing to do with him …but everything to do with You…] But I can’t say anything- he’ll only confirm his beliefs that I’m a weak, boring sook. (whinger, complainer) Pretty well bombed at Fi’s, around 3:30. Cold!!! left around 8:30 – Fi’d already gone to work, mima home. Jo & I cleaned up, then walked to bus stop sat until she caught bus to Redlynch – I walked home. Spent the day lying, resting, reading thinking= being depressed. [Allowing the Mind to replay the Past, re-tell its Stories to keep you Down…] “Well I’ll see you when I see you” he said. Jesus that hurt. Maybe I’m just going through an extremely sensitive period or something but I can’t help it; I’m feeling down today & I can’t change it. [You can. But sometimes you’re not meant to…] Had a short sleep (about 1-1½hrs) after 3:00→ rang Fi & Sharon after (both weren’t home) Mark rang me. I felt a little better (he made the effort to ring me, after all) & we decided to go to the movies (he didn’t want to go to the party) Got calls from Beka & Sharon after. Got to odeon just before him. Lethal Weapon again. He appeared very quiet – uncomfortable (moody) but relaxed a bit after. (We walked around→ to Pacific & had a cocktail – Pink Blonde YUMMY) Left odeon after ringing mum (him→Sandra) & getting himself a steakburger .. I was a little pissed off again. . . .→

Sunday 19/7/87

→ no kiss again→ I knew it – it had to do with what I’d said last Saturday night – about never kissing him again. I’d said to forget it & he said he did, but no→ he has to carry it on – that’s what upsets me the way he carries things on, for days, weeks. I hate it – it hurts. It makes me afraid to say anything to him now in case he carries it on. [And this is a perfect example of how fears develop into life-long instinctive reactions or habits. “Avoid Confrontation at all costs, Liss” the Mind says…] So he laughed as we drove away. At home I watched TV, right up untill 1:15 or so. I bombed and woke this morning at about 9:30→ really dead! (Mum painting the entrance room) Amanda left around 11:00 (she stayed last night) God, it depresses me to think about Mark→why does he do it? Deliberately to provoke me; make me sulk. [Maybe? Maybe trying to push you away? Or maybe he has no intention at all. The thing is, you can never really know …which means it’s beyond your Control …which means ya gotta… Let. It. Go.] I can’t stand it. After wasting the day (totally) Beka picked me up: at dance practise I got a very mixed feeling about him. He seemed O.K. (nice) now & then – but sometimes he was very “stiff” as if he wished he didn’t go. Kept calling me a Sook. I can see he doesn’t like me (being a “Sook”) But I can’t convince him when I’m not sulking. DON’T HURT ME ANYMORE. PLEASE forget all this shit. After it I had a terribly sore throat – hard to swallow, yawn & speak. God it’s killing me. Mark wouldn’t believe me when I told him it was sore – just said “sook“

Shoes, Gloves, Suits & My Beach Bonfire Birthday (6 -12 July)

Published on July 6, 2015 by Elissa Coxen2 Comments

Monday 6/7/87

Had to answer the phone this morning – mum was in the shower yelling to Julia & I – of course I got up to answer it. Made me angry – only 8 or so hours sleep. [A lot of people would kill for that much sleep in one night…] Could’ve gotten 9 or 10 like last night. Oh well. Went to town (all around Cairns as a matter of fact) with mum today ..saw Mrs E about my dress, then spent the next 3 hours running around getting fabric for it. At home this arvy, I read my Dolly mag, watched TV (generally: “bludged”) Mark rang about 5 or 6 times consecutively (quickly) – they were at Keith’s, testing out the new phone. Anyway he rang me around 7:30 tonight (I think) Talked not long- said he’d ring me tomorrow (getting his license Wednesday – said he’d also visit me then) I think it’s working better this way – the less worried I am, the less I think about him, the more relaxed I am [in general, the less you worry, the more relaxed you will be. Just sayin’]_ _ he was right. [When did he say that?] Now he’s doing some of the “chasing” instead. It’s 10:40. Watched the new mini-series (everyone else was in bed) Is so cool now – BEAUTIFUL weather (tho’ it’s overcast – pity)

Tuesday 7/7/87

Woke around 8:00 – another 8½-9hrs sleep, I think. Good! Got ready & went to Kmart to get socks for dad, then gave him his prezzies (told me he’s going to pay for all my formal expenses: isn’t that great?!!) [There’s gratitude right there] Then, on to other places, before getting home (to a phonecall from Mark – just a quick one to say that he’d received ’87 RIGHT ON TRACK [pretty much my favourite of all the compilation albums I owned] from his uncle, so he didn’t need it to be taped anymore. [Music Piracy in the ’80’s involved copying onto blank cassette tapes, either someone else’s albums or directly recording from the radio (average sound quality). As I’ve mentioned previously, we were lucky enough to somehow receive ABC TV audio on the FM bandwidth (all of our local radio stations were only on AM) so our illegal recordings sounded better than everyone else’s!] And that was it – so I’ll ring him tomorrow morning to wish him luck for his test & if not (if he doesn’t visit me) I’ll ring around 6:00 to see if he passed & if he’d take me to the Drive In – Little Shop of Horrors is on & I’d love to see it -so funny!) Bludged the afternoon doing scrapbook in front of the TV then bathed & Mike & Cynthia & Kylie (their niece, so my 3rd cousin or something like that) came for dinner. BORING! No, not really. Was a pretty goodnight. But I’m tired now. It’s 10:30. Get some (lots of) shut-eye.

Wednesday 8/7/87

BORING!! Terrible day – one of the most terrible days I’ve had for ages (compared to my other holidays). Actually, I’m exaggerating a bit. [At least I admit it…] It’s really been like most of the other days this week .. spent morning in town (in and around town) grocery shopping, looking at shoes etc. Ate a lot today. Anyway, home around 1:00, I watched TV & fiddled around with dresses & material. Have started making a skirt .. don’t have enough fabric to finish it now!! Oh dear! I rang Mark’s place around 4:30 – he didn’t come over (then rang him at Keith’s) He passed his driving test, of course. Seemed very bored (or maybe I’m imagining it) I haven’t seen him for 3 days & tomorrow, I’ll bet will be the 4th. [Oh so maybe this is why you felt your day was “one of the most terrible you’ve had for ages”?] SHIT. I want to see him very soon. [Wanting causes Pain…] That call this arvy was very short – I thought he was going to come around after it, but no – of course not. Why do I bother?? [You’re asking the question; it’s your choice to make…] Gordon rang tonight to see if I’d go late nite with him, Justine & Jason – to look for their suits. (I can’t – my B’day). [Ah, he must’ve meant in town: what I usually labelled ‘late night’ was the Thursday late night trading at suburban shopping centres but the CBD had extended trading hours on Fridays. I think it’s still the same…] Then I rang Fi tonite. Hopefully we’ll go to town 2morrow (with my luck Mark’ll come round while I’m not home.) Justine also rang me later 2nite. V. rainy & cool & windy. Beautiful! (But “stop!” rain, for my B’day & the show!) Is 11:00.

Thursday 9/7/87

Went shopping – in town – looking for my formal shoes – and I got them (!!) Black patent leather – pointed toe and the heel’s about 5cm ($60) and Gloves. I have a choice – fingerless net gloves to about before the elbow, or white, full finger gloves, past my elbow (I’d have to dye them) I don’t know what I’m going to get!! [*facepalm* the 80’s was an embarrassing era for fashion. Gloves… seriously? Thanks a lot, Michael and Madonna!] Anyway after visiting Nana I got home & Keith & Mark came! (see last night at 11:40 they came & I “snuck” out – we drove around and mum found out, cause I couldn’t get in the house when I got home) [Oh that is hilarious. Why am I not surprised?] So, we went to Trinity Beach (Sandle, [no, not a typo – ‘Sandle’ was her nickname] Fi & Brent ate their lunch their, too) Played T.P. at home – Keith & Mark cheated! They left around 3:00. wasted the afternoon, Before getting ready for the Drive In. We went despite the weather – It didn’t rain too much. Back at Keith’s new place [privacy omission] we decided to get some videos .. a porno. one (type thing) [uh, really? I don’t remember that at all! What an awkward situation with my boyfriend’s mate there too?] and a horror or suspense. It was O.K. [LOL, OK? Obviously porn doesn’t do it for me?!] Then Keith went to→

Friday 10/7/87

bed and Mark & I mucked around on the divan .. kissing etc. [Nope! Still not what you think…] About 4:00 [privacy omission] then bombed. I woke around 10:00. The weather was… not too good – quite overcast, but there was some sun & blue sky. Mark gave me his present – a sterling silver fob chain (its beautiful) after breakfast, went to Mark’s, then my place (Mike, Cynthia, Kylie & Dougie were there) I got $10 Julia, $45 from them (lots, huh!) Mum $20 so far + doona & tri-pillow cover. [Oh, the tri-pillow! A furnishing trend of the late 80’s, early 90’s… I think they were designed to support your back whilst sitting up in bed. Did anyone else have one?] We went to the beach – trinity was very clouded & windy. Up at Wangetti, it was quite beautiful still overcast in patches, but mostly sunny. Back at my place, the guys left around 3:30. We had nothing planned. After lots of phone calls (to Fi’s & Keith’s) we decided on a bonfire at the beach. Dad came tonight & gave me $50 + 2 charms from my c. bracelet. […which I still have to this day…] Mark & Keith came at 7:15 ..Sat until about 7:40. Fi & Sandle fussed around taking heaps of things, then we picked up Brent. At Trinity there was no beach! (the tide was too high) So we went to Ellis. And there we stayed. Getting fire “stuff”, sitting, lying, running, chasing (& falling – so funny!)→

Saturday 11/7/87

Marshmallow fights! Mark & I were lying kissing [privacy omission] up the beach”. [Privacy omission] I wanted to do it, so much, but knew if I did I’d worry myself sick about getting pregnant. I’ll have to get something. We talked a little – the pill’s about the best, I guess. Anyway, we left when Mark & I got back. Got home about 1:45. I was rather tired. (Mark said he’d ring me – hope he doesn’t forget) Woke around 8:00 – slept till 8:30. Got ready for town. Sat for ages – Justine rang wondering if I knew where Gordon was – but he came as she was on the phone. So we were out 2 hours. [Suit hunting for the boys, for the Smithfield High formal I was to attend with Gordon] Boring! At home, I wasted the arvy – till Mark & Keith popped in. We sat doing nothing (mum invited them to stay for dinner) Mark & I were joking around alot. And at the end, he really started to hurt me but I don’t think he knew it- thought I was pretending to be sooky still, but I really was getting upset. I think he left angry. Oh, not really angry. I don’t know, but I’m sure as hell a bit upset now. They’re going to take me to the beach tomorrow. Wonder if they still will? Oh, I really must mention this. I love him so much it hurts me. [That doesn’t sound wonderful …nor ‘healthy’…] 9:44 now, but I’m gonna watch the movie

Sunday 12/7/87

Well, it’s weird. I don’t know. I woke & got up around 10:30. They came around 12:30 (I was beginning to think they’d gone to baseball, after all) But, the brakes on the car were stuffed. So, mum drove us to Trinity Beach. We were getting on O.K. Not spectacularly affectionately. He & Keith went for a walk (long time!) Then, soon after their return, we hired out a catamaran… Mark & Keith had a go first, then Keith & I had it & it was fun -(we got caught in the shark net to start with…!!) We weren’t off it long before we decided to go. At home, the joking continued until finally it ended in the “I’m never going to talk to you again” routine [clearly predictable by now or I wouldn’t’ve referred to it as a ‘routine’] which I hate so much – it hurts so much. I sat out the back. When Mark came out, I could tell he was still joking but my sooky-ness (seriously – I was upset) got to him, I’m sure. I don’t know if he’s angry with me or not. I didn’t ring I think that’d be too pushy cos if he isn’t really angry he would get that way. [Well that’s wise. But the ‘distance’ – giving yourself space – is more on point…] I spent a lot of time talking to Fi on the phone about it. I really have to make my own decisions more. I partly did that tonite, for once. Hope everything’s OK at school tomorrow SCHOOL – I HATE IT.

Venom, Pedestals, Bruised Fruit & Bed-Swapping (25-31 May)

Published on May 25, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 25/5/87

Well today was different. Got on really good though. (Though?) Yes, “though”. (Though, what?) [Love the conversive story telling? One might relate it to a touch of schizophrenia?] Well, there’s rumours he got with (you guessed it) Nicole. I don’t want to believe them. See, I didn’t think Mark would get with anybody – it didn’t cross my mind once I trusted him. Then these rumours: I chose to disbelieve, but more evidence against my opinion .. I am too afraid to say anything to him in case he gets angry [Alarm bells! If you fear ANY kind of interaction with a partner, should you be there at all?] .. he can’t see that I do trust him, but I wish (if this did happen) that he would tell me . . be honest. Going behind my back destroys trust… [um, so you are saying you accept cheating …as long as you’re informed of it? It’s certain that a lack of honest & openness is not conducive to trust but, well, I certainly wouldn’t accept certain behaviours from a partner now even if he was open about it…] but I think he didn’t tell me because (1) he was afraid of losing me because of it.. and/or (2) he knew it would destroy what trust I had in him, totally. [Ya think? Analyse, analyse, analyse….] But I’m all worked up. [Privacy omission] broke up. He got with Nina Nina admitted it to Julia. She & [privacy omission] and Nicole & Mark. I HATE that Fuckin bitch. [Ill-begotten blame: it takes two to tango, young Lissa…] Oh Mark. Why are you doing this? Why did it happen? How could you let it?

Tuesday 26/5/87

I got to school and no one was there (Fi, mima that is) so, Cameron talked to me. And he told me nothing happened. And I knew he was right because Fiona had seen Nicole go (so how could she possibly have gotten with him “in the last 5 minutes”? as Seigi said.) Mima said she didn’t think it happened after all. I AM A FOOL to let it worry me. [Worry is your middle name, girl] Nicole WISHES. She spread rumours herself. And it backfired. SUCK IT BITCH. I hate you & am gonna see your dreams get squashed. [Wow, super venomous! There’s some serious hurt, insecurity & fear on display there…] You’re trying (in vain) to break us up. Boring day at school. I think it was because I spent most of it with Mark. I mean, I like spending time with him, but the less time we spend together, the more special our moments together are. He gets bored too easily. Today he even said I was boring & predictable. [a hint?] I should take it as a joke [should you?] ..but sometimes I wonder. [hmm, that’s related to gut instinct…] He is so gorgeous!!! […despite it all, I clearly had this guy on a pedestal; a very high pedestal. No one belongs on a pedestal, and amongst all the lessons this relationship presented me, this was one of the most significant.] There’s a new record out (compilation album) & it’s got Favourite Waste of time on it. I HAVE TO GET IT!! Oh I’m tired! [privacy omission] are “on the rocks”.

Wednesday 27/5/87

I did a lot. Well that’s what it seems like In fact, I did very little. Biology HW & that was it. I should have done my english. I now have 1 day to do 2 assignments. Well done, Lissa. And with all my other work, that could virtually be regarded as impossible. Oh dear. It was rather dull today. I ate a fair bit. (Just killed a gi-normous mozzie) Gi-normous spider last night, which we killed thank god. It was a “whopper”! [While I’m not into killing, I have to admit I still can’t allow living creepy-crawlies to share my house. If there’s no one around to remove them, I admit that I will terminate the creature’s life.] Can’t wait for the weekend. To spend with Mark. Hope he doesn’t get sick of me. Worked out today was our 18th week together: just over 4 months. Also worked out he’d been with Trish & Nicole for only about 7 weeks each! Ha, ha! Thought Mark might’ve rung me ..forgot to ring him anyway He probly doesn’t mind. wonder if he’d come late night shopping tomorrow night (again?) He’s probly getting sick of that, too. [Good god, the analysing! It’s so much more about ME than it is him…] God I wish winter would come. It’s normally rather cool by now. NOT FAIR. Oh I’m tired. 9:50. Late! Need lotsa sleep.

Thursday 28/5/87

Fi went home early today. She was so upset: her grandfather died last night. [Fis’ grandfather was a lovely quiet, soft soul whom I recall used to shuffle around the house in his slippers, and kept smarties in his trouser pockets, which he would then proffer to us with a cheeky grin, as if collaborating against parental authority.] Boring day today really. Mark came late. Looked grumpy, but was O.K. Did very little in art: made a stretcher; put on canvas & painted it white. Big lunch I did bio prac. then went up to room A5 to see about trip to Snowy’s. [The Snowy Mountains in NSW] I can’t afford it & it’s certain dad won’t pay. [It sucked being low-middle class – or upper-lower, whichever we were: I never went on one long distance excursion in all my years of schooling.] I said something to Mark later & he said “right that’s it; we’re not going out anymore. I’m not taking you to the formal.” I know he was joking [really? with the benefit of hindsight, I’d say a glaring hint…] but it hurt. He Went for driving lesson straight after school so I didn’t see him. I did a little english tonight. Nowhere near enough Mark rang: carrying on his jokes. They really do hurt me. I’ll have to let him know. He’s “bruising the fruit”. Gotta be careful not to “squash” me. [Not saying it was the case (how am I to know what someone else is or was thinking or feeling?) but perhaps he was trying to encourage ME to end the relationship?] Dad & Jenny’s wedding photo was in the Cairns Times. Whoopee! My bio assign. seeds are growing so fast!! Am dreading tomorrow. My english is unfinished. must wake early to do my assignments. Is 9:40

Friday 29/5/87

Mark seemed in rather a dull, shitty mood today, but he wasn’t angry with me. I guess it was the usual boredom of school. I got to school later than usual; just in time for form: had to go into town and get photographic paper. Got 1st assignment written out & 2nd rough copy started in double english: Elisia & I stayed in the darkroom -doing english all day! [And so begins the habit of last-minute assignment productions! I thought this behaviour had begun at Uni but I am clearly mistaken…] Handed mine in after going to the library for about 20-25mins at lunchtime… then went to Fi’s grandpa’s (Da’s) funeral. (He died at 9:00 at night) It was small & short. And I thought mostly of Monique. Why her? [Not so much, why was I thinking of her at another’s funeral, but rather asking the Philosophical ‘Why’ with regard to Death, yet again: why was she taken from me?] Back at school, for ≈ 15 mins of chem. talked very briefly to Mark before leaving with mum. Rang him around 4:30.. got ready around 5:00. . . picked him up at 6:00 . . walking round town (bought that excellent record (tape) I told you about – it’s 2 actually) Looking at clothes, mainly Then after dinner – to the Capri. Mark loved JUMPIN’ JACK FLASH. But we were both bored to tears during ALIENS …seen it too recently before to enjoy it again. Then we caught taxi to his place. (my gear I left there when we picked him up.) We lazed on his bed: talking & mucking round- listening to the new tapes…

Saturday 30/5/87

→ stayed up till ≈ 4:00…kissing (cutest – love it!) [So, “All is Well” in the world again?] Fell asleep then & I woke to movement at 6:30 (“Uh-oh!” I think, “Sandra knows I’m in here!” – she went to her room, I heard her. She would’ve known I was in Mark’s room. So I got up – got a drink from the bathroom tap, then went to Sandra’s bedroom; into her bed (well, under the top blanket) [oh Liss, that only makes you look more guilty!] slept & dozed till about 11:00, no 10:30. After brekky (Keith came) we lazed in his room talking (kissing) again, till about 2:00. I got changed and they dropped me home. . there’s this really big red hickie [lovebite that is, in case this slang is too ancient for some readers?] on the front of my neck.. shit ..it’s bad (Keith gave me heaps about it imagine school on Monday – oh no!) Spent the rest of the day listening to music, mainly. Rang Mark’s place – he was at work. Rang him at work – he said to ring him at home after 9:00. It was a short, but sweet phone call. Oh, I so badly wanted to see him tonight. Hope I can tomorrow. I Love You, Mark. So very much.

Sunday 31/5/87

JULIA’S B’DAY! BORING! No! I woke & wrapped Julia’s present – just in time! (Julia walked in from Amanda’s just as I finished!) Listened to my (our) tapes this morning (Hungry for Hits that is) Played Triv. Pursuit with Jules when Amanda came. Around 2:45 Mark rang. Nana came so I had to ring him back (3:30!) Michael (mum’s couz.) & Cynthia (wife) came over. Played a little Monopoly during the day, too. Was boring for me. Till about 5:00 I got ready (rush!) And Michael took me to pick up Mark & take us to work. Watched ½ of About Last Night & ½ of some other one ..forget it. Keith came too- his car’s fixed. So drove me home – they had coffee. Didn’t get to kiss Mark enough. And he’s going away next weekend. My God!! How will I ever make it? It’s never boring at work with him- it might sound boring but I’m never bored when I’m around him. It’s late: 10:25. I think I know when Mark first saw me.. he said 2nite the Xmas hol’s ..after the CAD parents meeting (Dec. 3) & had to be before Dec 27. (cause my hair cut short then)

The Silent Treatment & Visiting Monique’s Mum (11-17 May)

Published on May 11, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 11/5/87

Mark was away today & I am glad. I don’t know what it would’ve been like trying to talk to him. He didn’t ring me tonight, so I gather he’s still “disappointed” with me. Boring-ish day at school. Test in biology – no one told me (I was away [the day it was mentioned]) Failed it, consequently. Understood chem. work today..did it with mima. (No Cameron hassling me) Did bio prac. during lunch hour. wanted to go up and do my maths HW- assignment or get cards ([privacy omission] Fi & I want to make false I.D. so we can go out for Fi’s birthday) […we were such Bad Asses!] Talked to Keith a little during art. Found out he’d rung mark last night as well. I said he was wrong & that Mark was “angry” with me. Keith ([I] caught him out!) said “well, he won’t burn your house down”…”it’s happened before”. He’s disappointed & I can understand that. I’m just worried how long it’s going to be before we’re together again. I have a feeling he’ll avoid me tomorrow. Double bio – oh no! What’ll happen then? Tania asked if I’d like to go to Port Douglas tomorrow – mum said no – I’d have loved to – to get away from Mark (she didn’t go [to Port] today). [What do they say about running away from your problems?] Should I have rung him tonight? Oh well, too late now anyway. Please Mark, don’t ignore me or be angry or disappointed with me tomorrow

Tuesday 12/5/87

Well I saw him riding to school, but didn’t wave (in case). […in case he didn’t respond. Because that would be embarrassing…] I went straight into the maths room (Fi & Brent were there) & stayed through form, till double maths. I didn’t think he was talking to me & strangely, I wasn’t upset. After art, I was walking back to area .. in the room by the door he was alone. He smiled ..so I thought “Great!” But during bio it was different again. And ditto for the rest of the day. [Talk about a rollercoaster relationship…] (After school mima bet me he would say goodbye.. he didn’t ..she got Cameron to tell him to.. so Mark snapped “Goodbye”.) And I didn’t ring him tonight . . I’m not really worried. Why should I crawl back to him all the time? He takes me for granted, I’ll bet: thinking I’ll always be there.. to apologise etc. Well I want him to ring or talk to me now & then to apologise or ask what the problem is ..Show he cares. He said I’ll never get away from him. Let’s see if he’s really bothered to stop us from breaking up. BORING DAY REALLY. SO HOT. G’NITE!

Wednesday 13/5/87

He avoided me totally today … not one word, one look. And I’m not anywhere near as worried as I would normally be ..I’m surprised! (you see I could say I’m not worried at all – but that wouldn’t be the truth – I am just a little, deep down, but as I said .. nowhere near as worried as I used to get.) Today I wrote out all the quotes from Mark’s letters & also things he’s said to me. [Apart from trying to reassure myself about his feelings for me, I’m thinking this would have been a compilation of ‘evidence’ to potentially be used in a future talk, or ‘confrontation’. Not that I’d take the little list along with me; writing helps to better commit things to memory.] Keith, before school, said Mark said he just doesn’t feel like talking to me. Oh that’s great. Just don’t talk to me when you feel like it.. no matter how much you hurt me. So I went through the day ignoring him. Mr Grossetti dropped us home after aerobics again. There was a letter from Kerry A. [the social worker/counsellor I’d come to rely upon] She’s gone to Brisbane. Great. I wrote a 5 page thing “to” Mark but don’t know if I’ll give it to him It’ll probably make him angry with my luck. So hot. It’s s’posed to be closer to winter now. FAT CHANCE I’m so tired.

Thursday 14/5/87

Avoided yet again. And that 5 page letter I did (well Fi did) give it to him, in 4th period – no difference ..still not talking. Boring day … art bludge – my painting is hopeless. Big lunch – did chem prac. (for contract), are doing it tomorrow as well. After school, went to see Kerri – gave her a present. Farewell! Saw Tania (& also tonight at Earlville) she’s leaving tomorrow Boo hoo! Everyone’s going! Mima & polly came down & soon mum took us to Earlville. Was good. Got Fi’s & Mark’s presents. [I’m sorry, you what? You’re being ignored and you’re still going to buy a gift? Well, I clearly didn’t think this ‘rough patch’ would result in the end of the relationship. Says something about my level of Hope. Or ignorance?] Yahoo. Keith rang when I got home.. ∼9:30. Talking about different things. I cannot understand Mark. He is taking me for granted. Maybe if I scared him. Ha. That would backfire for sure, I bet. [Yes. Karma. It’s a bitch, apparently.] I wish he was more understanding. I hate school. That causes all the trouble. [Haha, the Blame Game. It’s a Human Condition: nothing’s ever your fault, always someone’s or something else’s…] BITCH. oh well. Is 10:10. NO HW done UMAH.

Friday 15/5/87

I barely saw him at all today, totally. Mima came around 7:45. Were riding really slow; I was finding it hard to start with. But after stopping to pump up tyres..we were off! Flying! Did really well! Double english was so boring..but in art! I did quite a few [black & white photo] prints [in the dark room]– moni & I preparing at the exhibition; moni & I at the opening that night & Mark & I in hospital. Big lunch spent in lab… did 2 pracs. Have about 5 left. Mucking round – fun lesson of chemistry. Mima & I rode over. Was sad. Mrs Perrem [Monique’s mother] seems much different. I don’t know. Neville & his mum came too.. that kind of spoiled it .. I’d wanted to talk personally [‘privately’ perhaps?].. (y’know). But Mrs P. gave me a mini photo album with monique’s camp photos, artwork, piccys of her & the day at the beach & one of the day when all the guys came over. [I have pretty much posted nearly all of these photos in my blogposts along the way…] I’ll treasure it. We eventually left ..rode to Stereo World around 5:30. Mum picked me up about 7:00. Late night really. Monique’s room’s beautiful. I loved being in there. Oh it’s not fair. Monique, you were the best thing that happened to me. And I never got to tell you. I love you. So much.

Saturday 16/5/87

I never get any work done on Saturdays- too many music shows on during the day. From 10:00 through (nearly non-stop) till 2:00. And, I usually can’t get up early on this day. Mum woke me this morning- I’d forgotten I had a hair appointment for 8:15. It’s cute! All one length bob- ear level & short fringe – a page Boy cut. Fi rang & we talked abit … I started getting ready around 5:45. The Brewers picked me up ∼7:45. Salad Days was almost as bad as West Side Story. Singing, dancing & acting was better this year but the plot of the story was so damned sick & stupid. Jokes were sick. [Remember, back in the 80’s “sick” didn’t have ANY positive connotations. So I was in fact hating on the jokes, right there…] Anyway, Brewers dropped me home & mum dropped me back at the corner of Cassowary St. Sonia’s party was dying when I came. Sharon had left. I stayed with Fi & Jason P. Cameron, Chris, Glyn, Steven, Mike (I) were there (Fi said Keith had been too) But Mark wasn’t ..didn’t matter.. there were no guys I could flirt with anyway. [You see that? The ‘Jealousy Game’…] Eventually, we went in this guys’s car to Coppelode Lookout.. with all Jason’s friends (Nigel too!) stayed there for a while, music blaring talking mucking around & looking at the beautiful view→ [see pic, left. here I crossed over to Sunday’s page in the diary…]

Sunday 17/5/87

After, went to 24hr service stn & people ate. Then, Jason picked up his car & dropped me home around 3:00. Saw Paul at the party. He stayed Saturday night ..in a combie. I listened to 4CCR for the rest of the time, till 4:00, then “bombed”. Got out of bed around 11:30. The day went surprisingly slow, considering I was up for only ½ of it. I did a little chem. HW but that was it. Did Big Fat NOTHING again. Beka came over late. (around 5:00) talked to her mostly about Mark. Then dad came, dropping Julia home. (I’m not looking forward to next weekend at all ..fi & the rest will be raging for her Birthday.) It’s not fair. Wonder if Mark will be talking to me by his birthday. Oh shit. He’d better be. I wish he would come to Port. I WISH EVERYTHING WOULD BE EXCELLENT BETWEEN US. Why is he not talking to me? Isn’t he hurting? Doesn’t it WORRY him? DOESN’T HE CARE?? Don’t you care, Mark? Boring night – listening to radio … should really have an early night, but want to see if they play “Candy” for once.