self consciousness – Page 2

Cheerleading at the Foot’s Cup & ‘The Best Time of My Life’ (27 July-2 August)

Published on July 27, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 27/7/87

Good day. I’m so excited about the formal now. Had our last dance practise tonight and I’ve pretty well got the knack of the 5 dances we’ve learnt. Mark was away today (from school, that is) [um, what else, if not school?] – very tired. Slept thru’ till about 4th period → 11:30, or so!!!!) Had dogshit on my shoe in chemistry – shit it stunk! Yukky! Told Fi all about Saturday night & Sunday morning . . the things we talked about Sat. nite, especially. So tired!!! Mr Grossetti finally back at school. Did no HW again. SHiT, I’m BAD. After school, went around trying to get a maths textbook. [We must’ve needed a different/new one for the final semester?] NOWHERE!!! Must get Mark to take me to get one from school- I don’t know where. [There was a second-hand ‘book shop’ at school but it was located in an area I didn’t ‘frequent’. It was almost dungeon-like; on the ground level of one of the main (oldest) buildings in the school.] Went to Mark’s place, on way home and dropped off his bowtie (wasn’t home – gone to Edge Hill school to play footie) He rang me anyway! After dance practise (we got on very well!) Sharon rang. Gonna organise getting to FOOT’S CUP Game on Wed. nite. YAY, YAY, YAY! [The Foot’s Cup was an inaugural, ‘unofficial’ rugby league game which I’d thought only involved Cairns High and Saint Augustine’s College, but my research (asking the question on Facebook!) seems to indicated that it may have also included Trinity Bay High, although no one seems certain. Suffice to say, it was a footy game between our school and some other one …and therefore a social event. In 1986 it was definitely against ‘Saints’ because I literally mentioned it; see Wednesday’s entry in this post ….Unless that wasn’t actually the Foot’s Cup?!]

Tuesday 28/7/87

Am bugared! Did no HW again, although I was more motivated tonite, than I ever have been since the start of this semester. [Quite an ironic position to be in, really… the ultimate in procrastination: motivation married with inaction] After school went & had my leg photographed, [unfortunately I don’t have these photographs. If they were actually in the case file I received after its conclusion, I must have (sadly) misplaced them] then off to look for Maths textbook. HOPELESS- none left anywhere in town. Will have to ring about a secondhand one. FOOT’S CUP Game tomorrow night & I’m going to cheer-lead too! (Linda dropped out) FUN, FUN, FUN! [Ok so, cheerleading Cairns-style in the 80’s was nothing like your modern fanfare: in fact, it didn’t much resemble the cheerleading style we perceived from American movies and TV shows back in the day either. It was, shall we say, not terribly well organised and certainly nowhere near as physically complex or demanding…] Got on v. well with Mark today- it’s good now that I’m his friend, more. Esp. in biol… I sat with him while he talked to Duane, Alan, and them (something I wouldn’t’ve done before) [So timid around the male species. I’d had minimal association with them for most of my life, to date.] But I’m so (well not “so”) relaxed now. [Honesty!] Jo was away. [This indicates to me that we were starting to build a deeper friendship. While we definitely weren’t as close as I’d been with Monique, Jo and I had begun hanging out a bit and she was definitely becoming one of my ‘besties’.] Can’t wait for the formal. I’m so tired; is 9:45. Punish myself with late nights. MUST get a move on, concerning work. [yeah, yeah…] Weather’s warming up again. (POOPY!!) Freddie [my current chosen pseudonym for menstruation] finally. Good, but bad. Oh well.

Wednesday 29/7/87

SO tired. FOOT’S CUP was postponed till Friday night instead. But I went with mum to pick up Julia & Petra from the Smithfield Musical at the Civic Centre. So it’s 10:55 now. God, I’m stuffed. Need more sleep: got new bras this arvy : a strapless one which is useless under my dress→ it shows out the top – mum’s taking it [the dress, not the bra!] back to Mrs E to get elastic put in – it’s too loose around the top. Boring day. I hate school. Haven’t got Freddie. Don’t know what [is going on]! Mark hasn’t bought the formal tickets yet→ leaving it late! His mum Bought him a pair of black socks so he won’t need mine. The black gloves in Val Carnes aren’t there: this arvy I went in…she rang [another store, down] south & they said they’re short ones, after all that! So said I could borrow hers. Rang her tonite but she wasn’t home at all. Will have to ring early tomorrow. [I’ve now ascertained that she most likely didn’t really want to loan my her own pair, and to be honest I completely understand why – teenagers represents a certain degree of risk, especially in a ‘social’ context (read: partying). Would she see her gloves again and if so, in what condition would they return? It’s a valid assumption, yes?] Am getting excited! I’m gonna [CRASH] !! [←this was meant to be ‘boxed’ (see pic) It’s sometimes hard to recreate a few of my diary elements.]

Thursday 30/7/87

God, I’m a glutton for punishment! It’s 10:21. why do I have such late nights (& never do any HW?) Tomorrow will be fairly late, too. Wonder if I can sleep in tomorrow. Made my necklace today (tonight) is fairly good! [Haha, that’s right! I couldn’t afford to buy an actual diamonté (it was all the rage at the time) necklace, so created my own from some diamonté dress ‘trimming’…you can kind of see it in my formal photos below.] Got my gloves this arvy.. not Val Carne’s tho’ ..she couldn’t find hers [!! I’m sure!]-I bought a pair of elbowlength [no typo; it appears as one word in my diary] white ones from the bridal shop in Andrejek’s Arcade. [Apologies to the Andrejics family for my ‘phonetic’ spelling…] will have to dye them. Also, as we’d dropped my dress in, in the morning, we picked it up this arvy – has elasticised top now – stays up better. Love it! Am so excited! Mark hasn’t got tickets yet. Uh-oh! Were a bit untalkative today – barely saw each other at all. God I’m tired! Sports Day tomorrow. Ugh! Am starting to eat again ..craving chips, esp. Also chocolate & ice cream (fruit icecream though; those FRUITO’S) [I think I meant ‘Weis’ bars…] So now it’s 10:30. Forgot to make an appointment with Annette [my hairdresser] Shit. Bet she’s booked out. I’m Dead! […tired, I expect that is. Not ‘dead’ because I failed to make my hair appointment. I’m not that much of a drama queen…?]

Friday 31/7/87

I’m really excited now! The sports day wasn’t too bad.. I got burnt- but not painful. It should fade enough for tomorrow night: copped a bit for being strapless etc, [really?] but who gives a ? [atta girl!] My face is quite red-I’m hoping that will fix. Fairly clear skin. Have hair appoint. at 8:30 tomorrow (will go all morning, Annette said!) Tully just beat Bruce today. [Our school sports houses: I was in Bruce. Your ‘house’ was determined by the complex system of …alphabetising surnames.] Auntie Hilary’s here! [I now know why: my grandmother was starting to fall seriously ill – she had been moved from her retirement village unit to the nursing area and was pretty much bed-ridden. It’s strange how little awareness we have in our youth …or is it just self-absorption?] Mark’s got the tickets – he was just giving me shit! [ah yeah… no surprises there. Remember that stuff about whingeing in the past couple of weeks? You virtually asked for ] So hot today – unbelievable! Briefly saw Nana after school (& then Annette) Got ready in a rush ; (after tonnes of phone calls) picked up Sharon & Justine. Felt very self-conscious about my leg [the visibility of my scar]→ wore leggings tucked up like bicycle shorts [Even though my scar was exposed every day at school, the conspicuousness of a cheerleading role would’ve made me more aware (fearful) of (greater numbers of) others observing (and therefore potentially scrutinising) it …or me.]→but had great fun although CHS lost. Mark left just before the end – said he’d ring. God tomorrow’s gonna be so busy! CAN’T WAIT! Definitely a Red letter day: wish Monique was here to share it. Is 10:15. So much for an early night. Hope I can get 10hrs anyway. Probly not. [Psssh!]

A Life in Words — …after the ‘failed’ professional hairdo…

Saturday 1/8/87

Woke early (angry!! Why can I never sleep in when I need to? SHIT!) Went to the hairdresser’s – washed hair …set in rollers & under the dryer for ages. It was REVOLTING when she’d finished. I faked a grin & left. At home I pulled it apart. YUK. [Yep, I definitely threw a tanty at home…] Did nothing in particular before starting to get ready (properly). I mean I dyed my gloves again (cause they only went dark grey) and things like that. Mark rang. Talked about nothing in particular I rang him. No one can come except Dad & Auntie Hilary to see me dressed. Nana’s too sick & Uncle Mike & Cynthia are in Brisbane. Oh well. [There’s a hint of exhibitionism…] It’s only 3:14. Next time I write’ll be tomorrow. Bye! (Wish me luck & a good time- I’m so excited!!!) [I didn’t actually leave a space in my diary, just followed straight on. This became an occasional habit, especially when I knew I’d be too late or tired to make the entry when I got home: writing an initial entry, in order to reduce the mental effort required to recount everything on the following day. I actually find myself doing this on an almost regular basis these days, simply to lessen my nighttime ‘duties’ …to get to sleep sooner!]

Well Hi. I’m so tired! Let’s see: Amanda came up shortly after I finished writing earlier, I assume]. I started getting ready around 4:15 -a lavender bath – everything planned. A slight rush towards the end ..with my hair & make-up; [beautiful blue eye shadow – blech!] Dad got photos. Mark came after 2 photos, saw Nana (she’s really not good at all) [We’d arranged to call into the nursing home so Nana could see me in my ‘glory’; to witness one of her grandchildren’s rites of passage. As I write this, I must admit sadly that as far as I can remember, this was the last lucid visit I had with her.] Mark was uncomfortable, I could tell. After photos at his place, picked up Steve & Sue & drove round for a while till 7:30. Inside, sat & drank 2 glasses horrible wine (on my empty stomach) and got happy. [See, now that would be an absolute impossibility these days: Liquor Licensing would have shut that venue down immediately for allowing even one drop of alcohol being within the reach of ‘minors’. There are incredibly huge penalties now for venues and even individuals (yes I believe that includes parents) caught supplying alcohol to the under-aged. I think on the night we were permitted one glass each and I might’ve ‘scored’ my second from someone who didn’t want theirs.] Walking round talking to people, having photos taken, even dancing. I was really happy (in all senses of the word) Phillip N gave me a compliment (not to me tho’ .. Fi overheard him say it→ I was so […next page…]

Sunday 2/8/87

excited. Steve & I went to the Pacific to find Mark & Sue, at one stage. Lotsa photos, talking, hugging, dancing (not any of the dances we learnt, did I do!! There weren’t enough opportunities to, anyway) Walked to Keith’s after.. Mr B took me, Sue, Cameron, Seigi & Nicole to the party after stopping at my place to pick up my gear. I changed at Jo’s & skulled 2½ cups of punch. Stood very happy talking, hugging, eyeing off Philip N & Mark. It was a letdown, really. [Privacy omission] The formal was by far the best part. The best time of my life. I’m not joking. Ended up leaving around 3:30→ slept at Keith’s – Nicole, me, him & Mark (←very drunk) [It’s interesting, considering my ‘issues’ with Nicole, that I hadn’t commented about this… I mustn’t’ve felt as threatened?] woke around 10:00 – but dozed till 11:30. Breakfast at 12:00. They took me home at 1:00, or so & I did nothing for the rest of the afternoon, Amanda came up & we all laughed heaps. Uncle Mike came for tea. It’s 8:50 Wanna get good sleep tonight. God it was EXCELLENT. Wish I could do it all over again. I got so many compliments- I felt pretty (esp. with a guy like Philip N noticing me!!) [It’s unfortunate that our positive self images often rely upon the opinions of others, isn’t it?] CANNOT WAIT for the photos to be developed. CANNOT WAIT! Only wish Moni had been there. [Naturally.] Then it would have been complete. (Cameron does too, I’m sure)

Exam Fails, Crinkle Perms & Florence Nightingale (8-14 June)

Published on June 8, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 8/6/87

Well, it’s 8:55 and I have not quite finished my biology study. Almost, though. I have done no chemistry or history of art study; so I’ll fail for sure. Did nothing besides study today (except break for a walk to the shop with Jules this arvy) But the reason I didn’t get all done was because I mucked around doing little things; wasting time. [Procrastination. It’s my forte.] sunny today. Am tired, but had 9hrs sleep last night. Wonder what time mark will get home tonight? I don’t think he’ll go to school tomorrow. Oh, these bloody exams! 3 tomorrow.. there’s no use. I’ll fail! Been thinking a fair bit (not much) but; I think Mark does get bored with me. I really do. Sometimes. I think he’s sick of me, or he’s afraid to spend time alone with me. I don’t know. I’d love to talk with him again, soon. (Fat, fat, fat! I ate a lot of crap today) Julia & I had a 100’s & 1000’s fight. YUKKY!

Tuesday 9/6/87

Ha, ha, ha! I failed chem. for sure.. could not do one thing (well that’s a lie: I got Q1 right!) But my bio study paid off!! I found (an otherwise hard) test easy . . and Hist. of art – I fluked (& cheated just a little) that will be easy enough to pass. So that was my day, really. Mark didn’t come, as I’d thought.. Keith told me he said at night “Wish I was home ..missing Elissa”. How beautiful! […hmm, how gullible…] I rang him (during dinner – so rang back ∼15 mins. later) barely talked at all – disappointing. [Not missing you so much now, huh?] He sounded tired. I’m glad he’s back. That’s 5 days I haven’t seen him. Oh, I thought I’d never make it! This arvy Cameron was at his dad’s – driving! (went past our house at least 10 times!) FUNNY!! Hotter, finer today. Wore my hair “crinkled” to school – twisted sections [and tied with rags, see the pic to left for an idea] last night- slept with them & this morning my hair was crinkly! Wore it in a piggy tail – looked horrible down, but now it’s died down a bit .. looks good .. gives my hair lots of body. Am thinking of getting my hair crinkle-permed now! [Noooo! Perms are bad enough, let alone ‘crinkle’ …ugh, you just said it “looked horrible down”!] Skin is clearing up fast, too!

Wednesday 10/6/87

Well, Mark was very quiet today ..bored, he said. [And we all know what I would have been thinking, after Monday’s rumination…] So I didn’t talk to him very much… biology before art… big lunch, then a little at weight training (speaking of which, at aerobics I felt so good! Excellent workout! Sweaty, but I felt no aching or fatigue after it – just hot.) [See? It really isn’t that hard to make fitness gains.] Mark rang me tonight, however, and we talked a lot about careers, ambitions etc. he wants me to spend nights at his place on the holidays (if he doesn’t go to Brisbane – hope he doesn’t.) Wonder if ..if I’ll take the plunge? Go all the way? I’d like to, but it’s complicated [of course. And scary.]. .anyway. . I’ve done no HW: and my bio assignment is due tomorrow I’ll have to make it up & write it tomorrow. I’m riding tomorrow.. I think; mum bought me a padlock for my chain. I’ll ride on my own; I don’t care – I need the exercise …I’m almost 65kg. That’s terrible! [Yes, disgusting! After all, at 176cm in height, that means you’re almost exactly in the middle of the Normal/Healthy Weight Range. Pffft.] I have to lose 10kg for the formal! (And for Mark) & the holidays!! [Isn’t it sad how susceptible we are to socially-imposed ideals? Or more accurately, that our Ego-based self-image can be so …weak? How did I think emaciating myself would enrich my experience at the formal? And would that really make my boyfriend love me more? (From memory he never once referred to my body in a negative context.) I can’t even begin to fathom what I thought losing weight ‘for the holidays’ would yield…] Oh I’m tired.. but can’t sleep in: it’s annoying. Got chem. mark – 6/30 TERRIBLE. Must spend a lot more time on chem. & maths… chem, mostly. have got to do well. [Ha!]

Thursday 11/6/87

I rode! Left at 8:15 (heaps of head-wind; shit!) got to school about 8:35! :Hot & sweaty & very “drained” of energy (tired) Mark came late. We got on quite (very) well today! My painting of him is (believe it or not) progressing very well! (ie: it’s not half bad) – in fact I’m bloody proud of it! He has not much comment on it! [Uh-huh. I can sort of imagine some reasons why…] After school, I waited for him at our area (giving my bag to mum) with Cameron: then we went to the bike racks- not there either. .walking back Mr. Stopford said he & Steven were in the gym. Cameron & I stayed (waiting) for about 30 mins ..then left (Mark & Steven kept playing & playing..) [playing and playing what?] Fairly speedy (hot!) ride home. Rang him tonight & we talked for ¾hr. Going to see Burglar tomorrow night. he said he would stay at my place on the holidays! (he’s not going to Brisbane – yay!!) WOWEE! Oh, I’m tired. Maths exam Tuesday, then eng then bio ..then chem (ugh!) then HOLIDAYS HOORAY!! Holidays soon! And I can’t wait! SO tired.

Friday 12/6/87

Got to school-Mark was sick. Barely talked to me before school.. double eng. boring & set ..he nicked off somewhere (Coles) with Steven during little lunch & didn’t talk to me at big lunch. I wondered if he really was sick ..sick of me only. [Definitely the theme for this week…] But after school, he said he’d ring me. I had to go by bus- just the afternoon I need mum to pick me up & she doesn’t: I had a gigantic masonite board with my painting paper taped to it, to take home. Ugh! Very tired today. My art (Mark is O.K. but I don’t know how to improve on it – what to do next – I’ve worked on his skin (facial tones) a lot & I’m afraid I’ll overdo it – but it looks a lot like him. Must get it finished.) [With an eye for detail, much of my art leaned towards ‘Photo-Realism’…] when Mark rang, we talked a little – it’s a headache – on & off again, but intense when “on” [oh.. talking about his sickness… I thought for a second this was a general comment on our relationship!] we decided no movies. And I went to his place. And played “nurse” & “maid”. [So totally NOT what you’re thinking!] Took him Mersyndol & by 10:00 he was drowsy. I left arond [not a typo; an actual spelling error that appears in my diary.] 10:30 – a little disappointed he was still in such a poor condition – so hot & very tired. I liked “comforting” him – like to do that whenever he’s sick in the future. [The ‘Florence Nightingale’ aspect of my persona…]

Saturday 13/6/87

A wasted day. I woke (very angrily) at 7:30 and could NOT get back to sleep. I watched the music shows & played the tape mark let me take home last night ..love the first song on Side A (one he wrote its words to me) It’s excellent! [I’ve included a YouTube link to it below… but read on first…] Anyway I looked blankly at maths revision sheets before ringing Mark around 4:00. Talked a little while – he’s no better ..poor guy – I don’t like seeing him so sick -head ache & cough. said he’d been popping pills all day, besides sleeping, watching a little TV. Keith was there ..he said he’d come around (to give me my biology sheets) very short stay -he looked terribly tired. Tonight I copied out my bio. sheets (a second one for him, you see – it helps me study at the same time!) It’s 10:40 now. Am tired, but plan to listen to 4CCR for as long as possible. Didn’t eat too much today! Good, huh?! Hope Marky’s better tomorrow – there’s an excellent movie (sunday special) on at the Capri.

Sunday 14/6/87

You should see the bags under my eyes! BLACK. I got about 7½hours sleep last night – not enough. It’s 8:35 now & I plan to get a good sleep tonight. I wasted the day, really. Did a little maths revision after Mark rang me, just before 2:00 (very short, pointless phone call. But he’s feeling 10 times better -only has a sore throat now- and told me [privacy omission] lost his license today – speeding silly! He might be able to use [privacy omission]‘s car (if he’ll let him) cos he gets his license in 2 weeks & [privacy omission]‘s lost his for 3 months! (+$120 fine) Goody- hope he can use it!) Before, I think I just listened to music (tape) & fiddled round with my HW diary. . Oh! I know! I wrote out my bio. assignment yeah, really good! Mmm singing Alltime Lover all day – my fav. song. (mum loves it too!) [See below. Firstly I can’t believe I actually found it (because it’s not called what I thought it was called) and secondly, I can’t believe I liked it… it has to have been just sentimental attachment because… it’s really bad. The lyrics are up there with the worst I’ve heard. And mum? Oh my beautiful mum was a bit of a musical dag I’m sad to say. She loved Bucks Fizz – that says it all. And if you don’t know Bucks Fizz, don’t worry, you ain’t missin’ anything!] Oh wish it’d stop raining & get cold. Worked out my formal dress & hairstyle totally now. Can’t wait! Must try & do maths tomorrow – get lots done. Think I will stay the whole day. Maths is a bloody problem. Ugh. So’s chemistry. Bio – no sweat. English – yukky poo. UGH! Ate a bit more today. Depressing. MUST lost weight + tone up my disfigured leg! + TAN & blonde my hair

The Silent Treatment & Visiting Monique’s Mum (11-17 May)

Published on May 11, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 11/5/87

Mark was away today & I am glad. I don’t know what it would’ve been like trying to talk to him. He didn’t ring me tonight, so I gather he’s still “disappointed” with me. Boring-ish day at school. Test in biology – no one told me (I was away [the day it was mentioned]) Failed it, consequently. Understood chem. work today..did it with mima. (No Cameron hassling me) Did bio prac. during lunch hour. wanted to go up and do my maths HW- assignment or get cards ([privacy omission] Fi & I want to make false I.D. so we can go out for Fi’s birthday) […we were such Bad Asses!] Talked to Keith a little during art. Found out he’d rung mark last night as well. I said he was wrong & that Mark was “angry” with me. Keith ([I] caught him out!) said “well, he won’t burn your house down”…”it’s happened before”. He’s disappointed & I can understand that. I’m just worried how long it’s going to be before we’re together again. I have a feeling he’ll avoid me tomorrow. Double bio – oh no! What’ll happen then? Tania asked if I’d like to go to Port Douglas tomorrow – mum said no – I’d have loved to – to get away from Mark (she didn’t go [to Port] today). [What do they say about running away from your problems?] Should I have rung him tonight? Oh well, too late now anyway. Please Mark, don’t ignore me or be angry or disappointed with me tomorrow

Tuesday 12/5/87

Well I saw him riding to school, but didn’t wave (in case). […in case he didn’t respond. Because that would be embarrassing…] I went straight into the maths room (Fi & Brent were there) & stayed through form, till double maths. I didn’t think he was talking to me & strangely, I wasn’t upset. After art, I was walking back to area .. in the room by the door he was alone. He smiled ..so I thought “Great!” But during bio it was different again. And ditto for the rest of the day. [Talk about a rollercoaster relationship…] (After school mima bet me he would say goodbye.. he didn’t ..she got Cameron to tell him to.. so Mark snapped “Goodbye”.) And I didn’t ring him tonight . . I’m not really worried. Why should I crawl back to him all the time? He takes me for granted, I’ll bet: thinking I’ll always be there.. to apologise etc. Well I want him to ring or talk to me now & then to apologise or ask what the problem is ..Show he cares. He said I’ll never get away from him. Let’s see if he’s really bothered to stop us from breaking up. BORING DAY REALLY. SO HOT. G’NITE!

Wednesday 13/5/87

He avoided me totally today … not one word, one look. And I’m not anywhere near as worried as I would normally be ..I’m surprised! (you see I could say I’m not worried at all – but that wouldn’t be the truth – I am just a little, deep down, but as I said .. nowhere near as worried as I used to get.) Today I wrote out all the quotes from Mark’s letters & also things he’s said to me. [Apart from trying to reassure myself about his feelings for me, I’m thinking this would have been a compilation of ‘evidence’ to potentially be used in a future talk, or ‘confrontation’. Not that I’d take the little list along with me; writing helps to better commit things to memory.] Keith, before school, said Mark said he just doesn’t feel like talking to me. Oh that’s great. Just don’t talk to me when you feel like it.. no matter how much you hurt me. So I went through the day ignoring him. Mr Grossetti dropped us home after aerobics again. There was a letter from Kerry A. [the social worker/counsellor I’d come to rely upon] She’s gone to Brisbane. Great. I wrote a 5 page thing “to” Mark but don’t know if I’ll give it to him It’ll probably make him angry with my luck. So hot. It’s s’posed to be closer to winter now. FAT CHANCE I’m so tired.

Thursday 14/5/87

Avoided yet again. And that 5 page letter I did (well Fi did) give it to him, in 4th period – no difference ..still not talking. Boring day … art bludge – my painting is hopeless. Big lunch – did chem prac. (for contract), are doing it tomorrow as well. After school, went to see Kerri – gave her a present. Farewell! Saw Tania (& also tonight at Earlville) she’s leaving tomorrow Boo hoo! Everyone’s going! Mima & polly came down & soon mum took us to Earlville. Was good. Got Fi’s & Mark’s presents. [I’m sorry, you what? You’re being ignored and you’re still going to buy a gift? Well, I clearly didn’t think this ‘rough patch’ would result in the end of the relationship. Says something about my level of Hope. Or ignorance?] Yahoo. Keith rang when I got home.. ∼9:30. Talking about different things. I cannot understand Mark. He is taking me for granted. Maybe if I scared him. Ha. That would backfire for sure, I bet. [Yes. Karma. It’s a bitch, apparently.] I wish he was more understanding. I hate school. That causes all the trouble. [Haha, the Blame Game. It’s a Human Condition: nothing’s ever your fault, always someone’s or something else’s…] BITCH. oh well. Is 10:10. NO HW done UMAH.

Friday 15/5/87

I barely saw him at all today, totally. Mima came around 7:45. Were riding really slow; I was finding it hard to start with. But after stopping to pump up tyres..we were off! Flying! Did really well! Double english was so boring..but in art! I did quite a few [black & white photo] prints [in the dark room]– moni & I preparing at the exhibition; moni & I at the opening that night & Mark & I in hospital. Big lunch spent in lab… did 2 pracs. Have about 5 left. Mucking round – fun lesson of chemistry. Mima & I rode over. Was sad. Mrs Perrem [Monique’s mother] seems much different. I don’t know. Neville & his mum came too.. that kind of spoiled it .. I’d wanted to talk personally [‘privately’ perhaps?].. (y’know). But Mrs P. gave me a mini photo album with monique’s camp photos, artwork, piccys of her & the day at the beach & one of the day when all the guys came over. [I have pretty much posted nearly all of these photos in my blogposts along the way…] I’ll treasure it. We eventually left ..rode to Stereo World around 5:30. Mum picked me up about 7:00. Late night really. Monique’s room’s beautiful. I loved being in there. Oh it’s not fair. Monique, you were the best thing that happened to me. And I never got to tell you. I love you. So much.

Saturday 16/5/87

I never get any work done on Saturdays- too many music shows on during the day. From 10:00 through (nearly non-stop) till 2:00. And, I usually can’t get up early on this day. Mum woke me this morning- I’d forgotten I had a hair appointment for 8:15. It’s cute! All one length bob- ear level & short fringe – a page Boy cut. Fi rang & we talked abit … I started getting ready around 5:45. The Brewers picked me up ∼7:45. Salad Days was almost as bad as West Side Story. Singing, dancing & acting was better this year but the plot of the story was so damned sick & stupid. Jokes were sick. [Remember, back in the 80’s “sick” didn’t have ANY positive connotations. So I was in fact hating on the jokes, right there…] Anyway, Brewers dropped me home & mum dropped me back at the corner of Cassowary St. Sonia’s party was dying when I came. Sharon had left. I stayed with Fi & Jason P. Cameron, Chris, Glyn, Steven, Mike (I) were there (Fi said Keith had been too) But Mark wasn’t ..didn’t matter.. there were no guys I could flirt with anyway. [You see that? The ‘Jealousy Game’…] Eventually, we went in this guys’s car to Coppelode Lookout.. with all Jason’s friends (Nigel too!) stayed there for a while, music blaring talking mucking around & looking at the beautiful view→ [see pic, left. here I crossed over to Sunday’s page in the diary…]

Sunday 17/5/87

After, went to 24hr service stn & people ate. Then, Jason picked up his car & dropped me home around 3:00. Saw Paul at the party. He stayed Saturday night ..in a combie. I listened to 4CCR for the rest of the time, till 4:00, then “bombed”. Got out of bed around 11:30. The day went surprisingly slow, considering I was up for only ½ of it. I did a little chem. HW but that was it. Did Big Fat NOTHING again. Beka came over late. (around 5:00) talked to her mostly about Mark. Then dad came, dropping Julia home. (I’m not looking forward to next weekend at all ..fi & the rest will be raging for her Birthday.) It’s not fair. Wonder if Mark will be talking to me by his birthday. Oh shit. He’d better be. I wish he would come to Port. I WISH EVERYTHING WOULD BE EXCELLENT BETWEEN US. Why is he not talking to me? Isn’t he hurting? Doesn’t it WORRY him? DOESN’T HE CARE?? Don’t you care, Mark? Boring night – listening to radio … should really have an early night, but want to see if they play “Candy” for once.

Emotional Depths & A Message From Monique (20-26 April)

Published on April 20, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 20/4/87

Um, was woken early by the others getting ready to go to Green Island… we dropped them off, went to the dump &, at home mum cleaned the car.. went to pick up the Dandos (remember them? John & Christine – – not the kids) [I am of course, asking to myself this question; not expecting you readers to know who these people were… Oh, and the answer is yes, I do remember them.] they stayed a while. All I did was finish covering my books & write out my chem. notes…no assignments done at all. SHIT. (all day!) The others came back around 4:00 (I cut mag. pictures & decorated my diary) After roast dinner (early) . . went to Nana’s (6:30) time flew . . at 7:30 I wanted to go ..slowly, so bloody slowly we finally got home 8:00. [I was too young and self-centred to realise that this was the last visit my aunt who lived interstate would have with her mother (Nana) before they left Cairns tomorrow. So very selfish, in hindsight…] I rang him as soon as I got in the door… cutie (short -10 min) phone call, just to hear his voice before school. After shower, watching NORTH & SOUTH & fucking mother turned it off & made us “have an early night” …it’s fuckin 9:40.. thats not fuckin early …what’s the fuckin point? It’s shit. She’s so dumb I’m not gonna get up at 5:00. . I can get ready in 10 minutes → we’re leaving 6:15 … I’m getting up at 6:00. FUCK YOU. [Well there’s a dummy-spit and a half! Kids really don’t like Discipline do they?!]

Tuesday 21/4/87

[My cousin wrote “Bye Lis ♥ Jo xox” on the first line of this page] I was cranky at being woken at 5:45… but, once they were gone (it was freezing at the airport!) [Really? Freezing in Cairns?] I was feeling better [hmm, that doesn’t sound very nice, but I’m quite sure it wasn’t anything personal toward my cousins; I would’ve meant that my crankiness dissipated by the time they left]. .a bit nervous going to school again… dunno why .. perhaps that I wasn’t wearing the bandage? Well, that wasn’t bad at all .. most people didn’t notice (well, didn’t stare when I looked at ’em – I didn’t notice anyone noticing) [Strangely, my self consciousness about my scar had a direct effect on my courage: not typically one to make eye contact with strangers, I brazenly held my gaze upon those who noticed it, as most of them would eventually look up from leg to my face. (To assign identity? Or search for a clue in the owner’s face of the story behind the deformity?) Having grown up believing it was rude to stare, there may have been a certain self-righteousness driving my courage: by catching them gawking was I hoping to embarrass them for their overt curiosity?] s’posed to be 19º tonite YAY!! Mark & I got on v. well!! Spending lotsa time together (argh – mozzies.) Had a biro fight in biology ..almost serious (was saying to Fi . . I think we can sense (well I do) when our “picking” is getting too close to a fight & thus “back off” at least a little! now Cool, great!) He rang me this arvy – wowee!!! We are becoming slightly more openly affectionate (ie: at school etc in public) Almost had a blue on the phone tonite ..but solved again! I wanna serious talk to him soon.. ask him how I’m going… whether I’m doing anything now that bugs him (I’m doing everything else he asked … talking to him – going up to him – relaxing (I think!)) [OMG, who IS this person?! The proverbial doormat? Why so eager to please, to change, for one person? Even if you’re not one to believe in Karmic debts or patterns, it’s obvious that he was an important ‘teacher’ and that this relationship presented me with some significant life lessons, for which I can only be grateful.] Walked to shop this arvy…got mima & fiona easter goodies. Am getting so fat. . . I think it may be my Freddy soon, that’s the prob! [For those that mightn’t have heard of it before, ‘Freddy’ was (yet another) slang term for menstruation…] Early! Is only 8:55 & I’m ready 4 bed!

Wednesday 22/4/87

I’m really scared. I mean really scared.. about my future. My life. These horrible feelings I have…that life is pointless [uh-huh! here it is..]. .and it all has mainly to do with Mark [oh, no, not what I was thinking…]…he is very bored (I rang him briefly tonight) with life and (we nearly had a big fight tonight) it is getting me… I feel it, too [but Elissa, you are very sensitive and often subject to the moods of others…] and it scares me.. we are too young to be sick of life already … and another thought.. no matter how I try, I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone the way I love Mark [well, to begin with, you can’t TRY to love people…] ..even when I go to Brisbane ..I’ll always have him on my mind. That’s scary, too, to think I love him so much, when I haven’t loved a guy before. [There’s always a first, for every one, in every thing…] I am capable of very deep love .. but incapable of getting over a broken love (as deep as that) I’m sure I know what’ll happen – he’ll find someone for himself, who he’ll love more than me & want to marry & I’ll still love him because I can’t get him out of my mind or heart, to love another guy… Or try to. [Good news, people; my pessimistic predictions were wrong… I didn’t suffer a loveless life. What a tragic-romantic!] Boring day. School always is … Life is. I did HW tonight. It rained today. I got my senior badge. Went grocery shopping with mum after school. Ate a lot of junk. [….and THAT would’ve helped your mood. Not.]

Thursday 23/4/87

I felt kind of happy today. I still felt depressed & scared this morning.. I said I wished I’d died in the crash and so mum made an appointment with kerri [the social worker from my hospital stay, with whom I’d had the best connection] for after school. I actually hung around Mark less today..and I think it made me feel better for it …before school a little, during bio, a little of recess, a little at big lunch (was with Fi, Seigi, Nicole, Juliet the rest _ _ he missed me too: looking for me!) & minute after school. So I was happy when I went to see Kerri.. but talking brought up all my fears, worries & depression. I realised, however, that Kerri was right- I’m depending on Mark only (that’s too much for him) …I know what I need ..spend more time with Fiona, Mima, Sharon .. do the things I used to do…go out, to parties etc.. without Mark .. to free him & get some excitement or change of scene for me.. then I’ll enjoy other things more! [Hallelujah. Yes, Be Your Own Person: Life Lesson 101!] Rainy – pouring late this arvy & tonight. 9:34. I must have a positive outlook to make me feel better Pessimism always nags me, tho’. I actually started some art today! Getting fat (& periods)

Friday 24/4/87

It’s raining – I love rain at night. Today was good, indeed. I didn’t talk before school & very little at little lunch ..when we did see each other at big lunch & after school.. we were happier ..for sure (well I was!) I think the less time we spend together ..the more sacred & exciting our time together becomes. And that’s what I need; excitement .. I am seeing a difference in my life .. I’ve acquired a primarily positive outlook! [Wow, that was quick, like the flick of switch? At risk of sounding like the pessimist I can be, let’s see how long it lasts…] Lotsa HW this weekend..english assignment & art contract due Monday. Went home in Brewer’s combi – Brent drove it to school- stopped at Kentucky Fried! Mark rang – said he’s working 1pm-9pm Sat. night – can’t go bowling (with me, mim, Brent, Fi ..) but we’ll get around that, we decided (HOW? Well, that we didn’t decide) went to see PLATOON Gory – gruesome. Brent, Steven & Keith were there too. (M&I walked around town first- met Gordon C. & Clayton E. & Russell C.) Dropped Keith home as well as Mark. Mark is being so much nicer lately. . . I have 2 theories as to why ..either it’s because I feel happier that he is, or appears to me to be, [well hello! here’s a hint of the Law of Attraction] OR he has hi’s & lo’s in his personality depending on moods & he just happens to be in a good one

Saturday 25/4/87

I woke around 9:20!! Wow! Watched TV & listened to music & doing (little) homework all day… rang mima twice, Sharon once. She rang me once again & I rang Mark & he rang me. Well, I had a shower etc when mima fi & Brent came, Sharon was late. Off to Kentucky Fried (yummy! laughs!) Bowling was fun! I came last in the 1st game, but 2nd in the 2nd! Big jump! .. I needed to warm up first, that’s why I did badly 1st game. [Also, I’ve never been a star athlete… but if I try my hand at something I can usually master it, over time.] Well I rang Mark from the alley to say we’d be a little longer. It was O.K. . he’d only just got home. (Found out I’d forgotten to change before I left home..thought all night I’d leak ..but was so surprised when I got home .. NOTHING at all!!! Only night 3, too!) [I guess there’s no need to explain what that was all about?] Picked Mark up . . party boring, very boring at first ..but soon we started holding hands etc. almost got ‘there’ [no, still not what y’all think!] but this guy came up & talked to him for ages..so I had to go.. he came to say goodbye. . only 1 big kiss Poopy! said he’d ring me tomorrow (rainy weather still!) Oh, I wish (!!) Fi & I once on our way home realised (we both had wanted to stay!) we had enough $ between us, to get a taxi home. TOO LATE!

Sunday 26/4/87

Today was boring, but something very freaky happened tonight. I woke just before 9:00 & spent (what time I did) the day doing my art.. have 3 left to do. . . argh! (Mucking around, otherwise) Mark rang me during my dinner ..at work (he was) talked briefly- a customer came in. Oh well .. I was doing my work, listening to the radio [via my walkman, so I had headphones on] (at the dining room table – Julia in her armchair) I heard a “thump” [it wasn’t loud, I saw something out of the corner of my eye…] ..looked at a 45″ record (single) on the floor. Took little notice for a few seconds ..How did it get there, from being wedged in the mantelpiece thingy? Turned off my radio [removed my headphones] & bent down to pick it up. Guess what it was .. Walk Like An Egyptian… the only 45″ we own, that was one of Moni’s favourite songs. I was a little frightened, but mostly bewildered & shocked. FREAKY ..or just coincidence? Wow. when I told Jules, I could tell she was scared (not very scared.. just shaken up.) [We put the record on, to ‘acknowledge’ her…] Anyway, I feel spooked a bit, thinking about it..but I’m not scared.. If it was Monique .. I’m glad she let me know she’s there. [There’s no doubt in my mind that it was Monique. I analysed the situation over and over and there’s NO other explanation. The windows were closed so there was no air movement. And our numerous 45″ records were firmly wedged by a basketful of cassettes into a recess (shelf) in “the mantelpiece thingy” (which was directly behind me as I worked at the dining room table). Further inspection revealed that the shelf inclined towards the front (opening) so anything rolling forward out of it would defy laws of Physics. What are the chances? What are the chances that of all the singles records we owned, the one that meant the most to Monique, rolled out of its cover, forward out of an up-slanting shelf, to land right-side up, by my feet? I’m sorry if you’re a skeptic, but that shit doesn’t just happen. That’s WAY beyond coincidence.]

https://youtu.be/SK32YwjfCMc

The Scene of the Crime, A Family Gathering & An Innocent Sleepover (13-19 April)

Published on April 13, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 13/4/87

Almost missed the bus – my pants were wet [I’m thinkin’ perspiration…] & I forgot camp photos ‘n’ everything, but I did just get the bus! Boring day – walked round a lot (Lucy’s put on lotsa weight & smokes now) I tried on some formal dresses- some so gorgeous (my favourite a silver dress $499) [which was definitely mega-expensive for that era, and totally out of my reach] We went to the movies “TOP GUN” yet again. After, I finally bought some shoes – gorgeous white flats with a cut-out heel [and here I’d included an illustration for better clarity…see right] & punched holes [like the patterns in leather ‘brogues’ (see pic below) …which by the way were just coming into fashion in a big way.] only $30 from Sportsgirl (believe it or not!! Gorgeous! Lucy came to our place till her dad picked her up. Got the TV & video rental Gonna watch “About Last Night” tomorrow. Missing Mark terribly already. Wonder when he’ll ring? oooh! 10:30 I’m tired Ate so much chocolate tonight. I feel fat!! [Uh huh, you feel fat …but you are totally oblivious to the more serious damage that rubbish is doing to you inside…at the cellular level…] Another mouse this morning – sick – caught it & ‘fore throwing it down the back, Mike bashed it, to make sure it was dead. [Boys love that shit, huh? I know plenty of ‘fellas’ who’ve taken to toads like they were golf balls over the years. Not to generalise of course: I’m sure some girls may have had a turn or two as well…] Ooh! No more mices! I hope!

Tuesday 14/4/87

We went to the site today (after mum worked in the morning & I finished all the choc. out of my ‘show bags’) we drove to the site. I cried a bit to start with but went down & collected as many souvineers as possible. [Really, all that I gathered up was junk and ended up being binned at a later stage. I think the act of ‘collecting souvenirs’ was itself symbolic or a method of ‘processing’; an excuse to physically return (down in)to the very place where so much trauma had hid me all at once on that fateful day.] I couldn’t believe how different it was, to my thoughts. [Memory. In other words, it wasn’t as I remembered it…] Then, stopped at Edmonton to see the bus- yeuch. It’s a bloody mess. [I have included photos of it at the end of this post.] Stopping at K-Mart, then once home, around 5:30 Mark rang – was cut off first & after 2nd time, didn’t ring back – but it was good to talk to him. Video tonight “Best Defense” was stupid. Is 9:40. Only just found out, on the answering machine, that Fi rang, so I’ll have to ring her tomorrow. Damn it! Rainy-Overcast weather set the scene perfectly at the site .. it was so much steeper than I thought .. & the bend less sharp, but also shorter than I imagined. Otherwise I recognised it all. Can’t wait till Mark gets back. Oh I’m tired. Boring day (strange, untalkative mood after the bus site revisit?) [Sounds like a rhetorical question to me: I’m fairly sure I knew deep down that visiting the site would bring ‘stuff’ up… even if I wasn’t exactly able to define what…]

Wednesday 15/4/87

Boring, boring, boring. I rang Fi _ _ she said she’d rung to talk cos she hadn’t talked to me “for ages” ..said Jemima wanted everyone to go bowling tonite – GREAT! I thought. so I went to town & Earlville with cousins etc. At home, did very little ..sunbaked (lemon juice in hair) & started my camp/crash scrapbook. Then after ringing Fi (not home) & mima, found out they went to Green Island so I decided I wouldn’t go bowling [a reaction purely based on hurt, the thought processes behind being “all or nothing”: if I’m not invited to everything, I won’t attend anything… I won’t be missed…] ..went late nite at Kmart instead. Laughed a lot! Watched “North & South” at home. Saw Linda P & Steven- actually talked rather comfortably with him for a few minutes (shit this pen’s stuffed) [the biro I was using that night wasn’t working so well] cloudy & sunny day – Marks coming home tomorrow I CAN’T WAIT!! Want to see him so badly. Shit, so many late nights since Jo & Mike came (I can’t stand the mess & laziness they show.) Mark..!!! LOVE YOU!!

Thursday 16/4/87

Mark rang tonight – 10 minutes after he got home! (I thought that was so sweet – straight away, practically) we didn’t decide what to do tomorrow so I’ll ring him around 9:00 Woken by the phone ([our] mums were at the dump) I answered & it was for Julia. SHIT OFF TO THE MAX! [Ha! “..to the max(imum)” was a great adverbial phrase.] Watched TOP SECRET, while doing my camp scrapbook ..sat in the sun browning myself & then to to work on my scrapbook again (altogether I didn’t do much at all on it today!) Went to get the video on dusk… and it was soon after our getting back that Mark rang about 7:20 I think. (Watched TV & now the new chosen video – MONEY PIT) I hope we do decide on something to do- I badly want to see him again. Mrs B visited today – and Mr. G. also dropped in – I thought he’d rev me about my assignments; luckily no! warm day Brent finally brought the typewriter back!!

Friday 17/4/87

Well, I rang ‘im about 9:30 – & as I thought, he was still asleep… so I felt really terrible- talked abit & finally decided I go to his place (& take my photo albums too!) at 11:00. Well, we mucked around (& tickled- ouch!) Looked at photo albums- I went into his room (umah) – almost slammed the door on my fingers. Was good, but the time went so quickly ..only 2 little kisses, But some affectionate moments, when we just looked at each other. Ate cheese sandwich for lunch..mum came & was talking for awhile to Mr. & Mrs W (told me later we may be going to Josephine Falls with them on Sunday for a BBQ) HOPE SO!! So I told Mark to ring me, when he wasn’t tired. I love him I know I do… I feel it all through me ..this wonderfully happy, relaxed feeling when I’m with him (ESPECIALLY when we’re alone & at night!) [Um, yeah Liss, that’s a different four-letter ‘L’ word…] Did nothing at home. boring. Watched EUROPEAN VACATION tonight … bore! [I’ve never been fussed on the National Lampoon series. Give me Monty Python any day…] Is now 9:15.. early really! (compared to other nights I’ve had) god I hope he rings me soon .. am dying to see him again soon.

Saturday 18/4/87

mmph! woke only after 7:00 (got up around 7:45) this morning – not fair – I can’t sleep in. Did nothing, basically.. watched Between the Teeth [a quite short-lived music programme on the ABC] & that was about it. (all that I did) Michael & I went with mum around 11:00 to get chicken, change the video & get Nana (saw Paul W on the way) When Auntie Thel, Uncle Ross, Michael (mum’s cousin) & cynthia (his wife) & child came, we were watching BACK TO THE FUTURE. Sharon rang me .. we talked for yonks (she did). Auntie Thel helped me make a big (solve a big problem) decision…my CAREER ..She said Libby (daughter) was booming in her interior dec. business & could (does) need help.. so all of a sudden, I’m interested..think of the prospects!! It’s an excellent idea! [That, like the few others I ever had, left my consciousness after that day. What do they say…”all talk no action”?] Anyway, Mark rang after Sharon..talked for ages (mum & Mrs W decided on tomorrow’s trip to Josephine Falls) & after (visitors left) I got ready to go to his place . . . it wasn’t quite as “touching” this time ..we did kiss now & then (not that I didn’t like that – I loved it! But, ah, somehow it was less “touching”… we watched TV, ate dinner late, during the sick movie.. mucked around mainly.. tickling not much talking ↵

Sunday 19/4/87

But, anyway when I rang a taxi at 11:15, no answer… Mr & Mrs W came home after their dinner & suggested I stay.. I thought so..Mark didn’t want me to..wonder why? But anyway, I rang mum & it was O.K. I was in Sandra’s room, with FM4CCR on her clock radio (Mark set it up for me!!) I went to sleep around 12:30, I guess woke around 7:00, but snoozed till 8:15 – Mrs W got me up (I heard Mark play “Candy” – he played it to me last night) this morning) Had brekky & finally around 9:30 mum & the gang came. I went with the W’s.. Mr & Mrs & Mark and Keith too..trip up there & swam ice-cold water (not many people looked at my leg – I wasn’t really embarrassed at all!) After lunch (BBQ) left (I went with them again) stopped in for a look at the Bus at Edmonton. Left Mark’s ..went to Nana ..BORING!! Got a video SHORT CIRCUIT after that & watch it this arvy .. then dad came (I got $15 believe it or not) ..then we watched the movie again. Mark was working 3pm to 9pm tonight, so unless he rings me soon, or tomorrow, I’ll speak to him again Monday night before school. J&M and Julia & A.H. are going to G. Island 2morrow – I’m staying home to do the work I should’ve done over the hol’s. Saw Lyn. C. at the BIG TOMATO today (working there) Ugh! Am tired… have had an unreal weekend!!

The Seniors Induction & Emotional Rollercoaster Lows (23-29 March)

Published on March 23, 2015 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 23/3/87

Mr Perrem came over this arvy.. stayed for tea. He is very upset still- it’s obvious. He was upset. Said every time he saw me, Monique was with me & told me how she went straight to the phone when she got back from Brissy & was disappointed that I wasn’t home. It was quite sad – but I only cried once. [It’s so good to know that I was important to her: it’s always nice to receive substantiation from highly reliable sources, isn’t it?] Got no HW done consequently. Day at school started off good- Mark gave me a baby picture of him – chubby chops!! (cutey!) 6 months old. Didn’t show many people my leg. Good muck around day. Till after school- – Megan said “Did you hear about what happened Friday night?” I said “What?” – She wouldn’t tell me …then ..Steven & Glyn whispered something. I got all shitty – Mark must’ve done something Friday night .. with [privacy omission](??) BITCH. I calmed down after after school. . it’s his loss.. I couldn’t be bothered ringing him & arguing .. I’ll ask tomorrow. He’s the one who has to live with the guilt if he’s lying to me. But I know he loves me. I cannot understand you, Mark W. YOU’RE WIERD. [I consistently spelled this word wrong!]

Tuesday 24/3/87

Terrible day. I was preoccupied with my dilemma.. I was a bit vindictive at little lunch- juice (popper) fight. During double biology ..Mark got “picked on” by our teacher .. got shitty after that & I was afraid to talk to him all during big lunch, and after school however 7th period, chem; cameron “told” me he didn’t do anything with [privacy omission]. Megan the rumour-spreading liar [I discovered who was actually being truthful eventually… many, many years later…] I felt embarrassed to have worried at the start. So wrote him a note. Cameron gave it to him.. but he didn’t wave when we “honked” on the way home. & no phone call tonight. Hope everything’s O.K. for tomorrow. Justine came round this arvy. Brent tonite for Fi’s chem book. shame! I’d just gotten out of the shower. must wake early tomorrow -lots to do. Jeez I hope Mark talks to me tomorrow. So tired! 9:30 Uh!

Wednesday 25/3/87

A terrible day; really horrible …he ignored & avoided me. I was so upset at times… watery eyes. I must’ve pissed off so many people with my mood. In bio he sat at the other end of the bench with Chris (me on my own) & they were saying some pretty terrible things. C: “W, who’re you taking to the formal?” M: “I dunno.” GREAT!! [sounds quite like a contrived conversation?] It got worse this arvy. Fi & Jussy & I helped prepare for the BBQ ..in recreation time – went to Jussy’s to get ready – mima too. They’d [the boys, I assume?] been to the Esplanade.. came around 5:00-5:30. Ignored me ..finally…took me away by the hand…explaining his friends need him ’cause they’re all only just realising about the crash now- upset etc – sorry to “neglect” me ..said he really needs me (thought I was shitty with him.) Ha! Everything’s normal! [Yep… back to your normal gullible self!] – we talked ..we have a “communication problem” & need to “spend some time 2gether alone to fix it.” No HW done – bags under my eyes are disgusting!! Stood up too much today – knees sore. I ran today, too (not fast – not for long) LOVE YOU M&M. [I think M&M meant Monique and Mark]

Thursday 26/3/87

Hung round a fair bit till ½ way through big lunch- he was mucking around telling me not to go near him, talk to him, touch I’m or look at him. But he got too serious for me. [Here we go again…] And now I’m upset. I can’t believe we “fix” it up then something happens again, to break it down. It’s all the other people [oh really?] – we get on better, totally alone. [Well, that’s functional and realistic…] Rainy today ..cool, beautiful. That’s upsetting (not the weather) about Mark, I mean – he’s so nice at times. I need an early night – almost 9:30 now _ I started a new canvas in art – did chemistry HW this arvy. Am in dire straits, concerning work. I’m not going to do well at all – I don’t know anything .. it’s terrible. [Mum could never have afforded tuition for me, but I probably wouldn’t’ve wanted it being the proud perfectionist I was. Little did I know however, that the entire first term of year 12 was to be excluded from the consideration of my overall achievement for the year, and in fact, my final score was primarily weighted on the second semester alone …thanks to the accident…] Leg’s O.K. getting better slowly, but quickly – swelling no less. Dunno about my hair. I’d like to grow it but everyone thinks it’s better short (mark wants it that way) SHIT can’t we get it right?? [I clearly didn’t know back then that it wasn’t possible to change people…]

Friday 27/3/87

Brent, Glyn, Cameron, Jason (P.) & Mark were away ..at volleyball or baseball trials. All got there in time for the induction, however. Rainy & cold (mostly) today .. double english was boring- Nigel & I mucked ’round Mr Grossetti sprung me with bubble gum! “Raced” (ran!!) to art … boring day – painting in art. Induction practise. Was chaotic!! Carrying chairs from the library to the hall! Mark, Cameron & Glyn came just in time. Didn’t see much of them. He’s ignoring me again – shitty. Probably thinks I’m shitty with him. It’s NOT FAIR. WHY, WHY can’t we get along normally?? I love him so much. I wish he’d ring me, apologise & take me out. somewhere. I want so badly to be with him. Stop hurting me, Mark. PLEASE. Love me. [This is so cringeworthy! It is actually ‘painful’ to now see so clearly the poor choices I made, and not even in the ‘name of love’ but simply pure, unadulterated naiveté. Desperately wanting this particular male specimen to be my Ideal, meet all MY expectations… oh I had so much to learn!] Induction – slow & boring, but Edith & I had a laughing fit, though. talking to lotsa people – Mrs B, Cameron’s mum, Mrs K, Mr Roff, at the afternoon tea afterwards. [To be honest, I don’t remember this occasion at all. It’s a formal school tradition, observed annually with each fresh new batch of Year 12’s.]

Saturday 28/3/87

I rang him. It was not a very good call at all..he’s “thinking over” tomorrow & on Monday will tell his decision .. whether we keep going out or not. [You can’t make any decisions, Liss? Beautifully set up for a weekend full of Anxiety…] From what I gather, he is very puzzled as to why I don’t come up to him during school time etc. I said I’m scared ..self conscious [fearing reactions, maybe?] – something he can’t understand. I’m so distressed… if we have another arguement after this that will be the end, for sure Oh, I’m so worried & upset .. I wish we could be on holidays & spend each day together, alone. That’s the best. (Today I slept in late. Did little HW, mucked ’round most of the day – watching TV, eating! Mrs R (Nola) came round tonight – had in depth talks about death, eternity & everything. Julia’s at the movies) Got good night’s sleep last night – 9½hrs at least. Rang Fi (before Mark) she tried to help, but I still was apprehensive about calling. It’s 11:25. Am tired, mate!

Sunday 29/3/87

Jeez, I’m nervous. Not too much, but still, I’ll get worse, I know. I have a feeling everything will work out, but I’m still a little worried .. in case it is, by some very slight chance “NO” ..or after it, we have yet another disagreement & that decides it .. we’re through. (I studied bio today – not much (only 1st Ch.) and also went for a swim at Justine’s this arvy – she wasn’t home ..Mrs McP & mum chatted. Otherwise stuffed around) But I woke around 9:30 this morning 9½hrs sleep!! Wow! The day went rather slowly – rainy & sunny – wierd weather. Should have an early night – try to relax ..everything will be fine. I rang Fi & told her- she couldn’t really say much to make me understand him or me. Crikey, I hope it’s O.K. I’ve got to try harder than ever. [Try harder at what?] 8:50 – listening to Take 40 I’ve lost weight for sure – my legs look so slim I must buy high-cut togs – they’d suit me better.

An Anaesthetic Hangover & Getting Out of Bed (7-8 February)

Published on February 7, 2015 by Elissa Coxen2 Comments

[Having gotten no further than the 6th February in my scrapbook, we now return to simply my diary entries, so here I have included the weekend and as of Monday 9th, posts will revert to weekly publishing again.]

Saturday 7/2/87

I saw Mark for about one minute today. He wasn’t very happy – looked stiff, like in a lot of discomfort. [I can’t imagine sitting upright in a wheelchair with a punctured lung would be terribly comfortable.] This was about 1:30 today. I wish we could’ve had more time and privacy. Gave me a pink teddy (I’ve called Yowie) and a cute little bunch of dried flowers with one red rose. (and said simply “Elissa, get well soon babe, Lots of Love, Mark.” I am really tired now. I went into surgery about 9:00, came out at 10:00 but didn’t wake til about 12:30. [Apparently this surgery was merely a dressing change, on my right leg’s injury. Because it was the first one since my ‘scrub’ surgery when I was first admitted (on Wednesday evening) I have assumed that the medics needed to assess the state of the wound, without the added complication of my ‘response’ in the conscious state. I could of course be completely mistaken…] Crabbe (Wayne) was here again. Rebecca P even came in too. The effect of the anaesthetic hasn’t worn off all day – been dopey etc. [The state of my handwriting attests to this… see the picture] My drip was changed back to my right arm – now its so painful. There is much less dressing on my left knee – can move quite well still. Gordon C & Clayton E came in today too. Had quite a few visitors again. Slept badly.. woke early again cos of restlessness- inability to move during sleep.

Sunday 8/2/87

I was in the best of spirits today- my left leg is so mobile!! I can even (with a lot of effort) lift it off the bed!! Slept badly last night – waking up in pain from my drip. [Good god, if it’s not one thing, it’s another…] Moved it again in the morning to my left (elbow) again .. then took it out for good!! I got in a wheelchair & had a shower & washed my hair for the first time in one week!! Then I felt so great & comfortable that the nurses let me go down & see Mark!! We sat – didn’t say much at all. Wondering if he’s shitty with me cause everybody else says he natters away when they’re with him. [Believe it or not, it actually crossed my mind that he might have been ‘shitty’ because I didn’t get Erica off him while trapped under the bus. This is, of course, ridiculous. But it’s the kind of paranoid imaginings a young girl with shaky self confidence and a kind of inferiority complex can have…] Anyway Sandra took me to see Melinda B after. We laughed so much. I felt really great today – no pain when I coughed or laughed. [I was completely unaware that I’d felt any pain of that kind, but I realise it’s almost to be expected: being thrown around like a rag doll is bound to affect thoracic musculature…] magic. more patients came later in the arvy – VISITORS, I mean!! [hasn’t that anaesthetic worn off yet?] I’m pooped now. Just realised how this thing has changed my life – the crash that is. [I’d love to know exactly what I meant by this, what my specific thoughts were. It’s an ambivalent statement, a tease if you will: what Change was my imagination envisaging precisely? I wish I had had the diary space (or merely inclination?) to provide more detail.] I’m not looking forward to the next 14 days – the doctors this morning reckon I’ll be in for another fortnight. SHIT. I don’t know if I will be able to cope with the pain of physio & “dressing changing” tomorrow. [I must have had ESP…] I ♥ u Mark. It’s about 8:50 now I think.

Rec Swimming, Impersonation & Great Grandma’s Fall (28 July-3 August)

Published on July 28, 2014 by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 28/7/86

My allergies are comin’ again. My nostrils get blocked & run etc. (It’s not a cold cos I always get a sore throat before the blocked nose…etc) It seems, too, that lotsa other people have it as well ie: there are quite a few others who are having ‘troubles’ besides me..!!!! Also, I have decided that mark shall be only my friend. This is his 3rd week with Tricia. Either he doesn’t like me, or the poor guy doesn’t know when to stop. [hilarious] He’s really stuffing up his chance with me… (yes, I am hurt. Very.) But I can learn to cope with it. After all, I still want to be his friend & (I hope) he’ll want to be mine. Bio test tomorrow. Ungh! Also got new maths teacher (forgot his name) but he’s better than Mr Burger (I think) Poor Mark. I don’t know why, but I feel sorry for him! Comm. Games. Ha! Aust coming tie 2nd with no. of gold medals – 15. Eng 17, Canada 17. We’re going downhill now 9:35

Tuesday 29/7/86

Great Grandma is dying. Mum got a phone call tonight. She had a fall (ie: fell over) and her health is decreasing rapidly. Mum doesn’t know whether to tell Nana or not; she will have to, though. Sad, huh? (Poor Julia – really sentimental – crying) [I probably should have used the word ‘sensitive’ because we really didn’t have enough contact with our great grandmother to be ‘sentimental’ about her. Actually, this has surprised me altogether: I thought my great grandmother had passed many years before this.] My blocked sinuses are giving me the shits. And Mark? Well, I’m finding it a bit easier to go without seeing him. (I still like to sometimes, though) And thinking more about him, I wondered how it would ever have worked; him one of the most popular guys in Yr 11, and me. It’s unthinkable. Not to mention, his looks compared to mine (ie: he’s much more attractive than me) [Blaring lack of self worth there, ya think?] Y’know what I mean …. Judy thinks (said this arvy) Tricia really wants Mark, really likes him, but he doesn’t like her much. Haven’t done any HW tonight. Will hafta (esp. maths) do in the morning. Too tired to watch Comm. Games tonite. 9:55

Wednesday 30/7/86

My cold’s shitting me off. [Ok, so it IS a cold now?] Today, mima & Umico (or however you spell it) [Japanese exchange student that Jemima’s family were hosting] went with all the other Japanese billets & their hosts on tour on the Tablelands. They had fun!! Meanwhile: we were bored. Short lessons, & after big lunch (fi, sharon & I went to town to try and get Fi’s keycard) had to choose recreational sport. Sharon, Donna & Sandie did photography. Astia, me & Fi did rec. swimming. Little did I know (until we got there) that so did Jarrod B, Peter P, Nick R, Patrick O’S, Terry C, Tricia & …Mark. SHAME. If I could’ve; I would’ve swapped (but there was nothing else to do, really) SHIT. Oh well. Also when mime came back, she talked to Terry & Nick while waiting for the bus. Nick likes me, wants me to choose between him and P.P. YUK. Just been to Trinity Bay’s school play, ‘Westside Story’ – PATHETIC!! CHS ‘Grease’ flog that!! [Clearly I was fiercely loyal to my school.] Mark wasn’t there thank god. Lotsa others were tho’! Is 11:10 (Really cold!)

Thursday 31/7/86

Lucy’s birthday and I didn’t do anything for it. Umah! Pretty boring day. (Biology exam was fairly hard; I didn’t do too well) Art was good; have gotten started with my banner & I think it’ll work well!!! And at big lunch we sat in our area; Justine, Marge & Heather & Linda sang soft songs. I almost fell asleep. It was beautiful!!! And, well, I seemed to see a bit more of Mark. I think. But if he was in a position where he could see me, I would deliberately move; hope he gets the message. [Um, yeah. Because guys are that ‘aware’ in general. Pffft!] I don’t want to do recreational swimming. It’ll be stupid & boring. [….and painful having to watch the couple be together…] Why aren’t there more people Fi & I know who are doing it?? (who can do it) Oh, woe is me. Getting sick of watching Comm. Games all the time – only watch the highlights now & then. Is about 9:07. having an early-ish night. Will probably have another boring weekend. Woe is me. [I tend to like this little phrase, don’t I?]

Friday 1/8/86

It’s 12:15. Don’t ask me why I’m still awake… I don’t know. I’m watching the Commonwealth Games and time has flown! I rang Justine this arvy (mum couldn’t get me a hair appointment this arvy – Monday will have to do) and around 6:30 (6:45) we picked her up & we went late nite. Town was empty. Looked around – didn’t find much to my liking.. some was but I still had doubts. Nevertheless, I came home with a pair of white stockings & a black kohl pencil. Today was rather boring. Spent all lunch hour in art. My banner is stuffed. Don’t give a shit. About Mark, either. Mr G thinks I could be another Max Gillies if I applied myself. [Max Gillies is an Australian comic actor, celebrated for his ability to impersonate primarily Australian politicians. He was best known for his ABC television programme, ‘The Gillies Report’. One of my most vivid memories was of Mr G.’s expression when I first recited the part of Juno in ‘Juno & the Paycock’ in our class reading of the play. I was secretly chuffed that he tended to give me lead character roles in almost everything we read from thereon in.] He really can’t believe ‘how good I am at accents’ etc. Thinks I could be a great impersonator. Ha. Ha. Boy I am tired. But I’m going to Earlville tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll be successful there ie: find a great shirt for the dance

Saturday 2/8/86

While All I bought last night was the stockings and eyeliner, [today] I spent about $47 . . . two blouses – a white long sleeved shirt (the one from Jack is too see-thru) Love it!! And also a black & white striped long sleeve shirt – a bit small around sleeve length – and sleeve (wrist) buttons tight but great as well!! And also some black mascara (thick; really great!) Back at home, I messed around; Did nothing in particular; a bit of (very little bit of) HW; dancing; listning to music; little TV; watching My Fair Lady on TV now. Am tired. Julia & mum are in bed; just Geoff & me watching TV. With my new shirts, I actually still don’t know what to wear to the dance; the problem this time being that I have so many combinations with my new clothes that I don’t know what to wear!!! [Oh my, too many options!] 10:30 already; at least 1½ hrs of the movie left yet. Oh I’m tired. Sleep in tomorrow. Haircut monday – can’t wait.

Sunday 3/8/86

Another wasted day. I read my book for speech, tho. Only have 3 chapters left. Also tried my english assignment. Got almost on half of a foolscap done, [back in the day, before computers, we wrote our assignments by hand, on paper. A ‘foolscap’ was a standard paper size. I’m fairly sure you can still find foolscap paper & pads at stationery stores] but I wasn’t happy with it so scrapped it. I’m just not in the mood; I have the ideas; too many ideas cos I want to put them all on paper, then it sounds stupid so I have to start again. [Ah, this. THIS is what I still struggle with today. It’s my major block to writing: too many thoughts leading me off-track. It’s a HUGE contributor to Procrastination. Lack of concentrated thought/ideas + perfectionism = a recipe for ‘disaster’ in the ‘achievement’ stakes] So I’ll have to wake early tomorrow & do it. Otherwise I ate. I am bloody ashamed at the amount, too. Hope I’m not going to grow again. Tall enough. Oh well… this’ll be the 4th week Mark’s been with Trish. I’ll have to shut off now, for sure. It’s gonna be bloody hard. Sometimes he smiles like in Bio, someone talking to/ teasing me. He still likes me, at least a bit, that’s for sure. But.. I can’t hold on. I’m so hurt already. what would it be like later?? 8:45

An Emotional Rollercoaster & a Shitty Babysitting Experience (14-20 July)

Published on July 14, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 14/7/86

Everyone was talking about the party (or at least, the formal) “Everyone” did something on Saturday night. I feel so ‘depressed’. Donna said Mark was there & when I wondered if he was with anybody she said “I’m not saying anything”. But later said she “truly didn’t know” (Everyone was pissed) And Fiona & them had a great time at the formal (she got home 6:00 in the morning!) And Sharon gave me my present (as did Sandy & Monique) and talked to me again. Nothing has been said about ‘it’. We’re buddies again (…) And Fiona, Jemima, Brent & guess who …Cameron are going to the show together. How more depressing. I’ll go with Sharon & probably never “see” Mark . . . Oh, I’m so depressed. 9:45. School photos Blech. I am the tallest in our form Fuck it [Yep, I hated being tall. After all, it makes you stand out more. And I’m super-shy, remember?] I don’t think I like Mark anymore. I feel kind of “cheated”. [!!] It’d never work; we’re too shy And he probably doesn’t like me very much anyway. [So easy for me to fall into ‘despair’]

Tuesday 15/7/86

Boring Boring Boring . . I’ve decided I don’t care (very much) for Mark anymore . . . I probably really do (actually, I do) but I like people thinking “I’m crazy”. [okay. I don’t understand THAT] I’m tired. It’s 10:30. Things with him are in a different perspective now. Also, because mima & Brent wanted to go to the show on their own, Fi, Cameron & me (and Sharon & Adam G too, I s’pose) are going together (Gonna ask Fi to hint to Cameron about Mark…!! Ha Ha. Very funny. It’s raining. And it’s rather hot. might sleep in-the-nick tonight!! Probably not. Boring day. Did no (only Chem.) HW. Umah – I’m too lazy (and HOT) Bloody tired. Big black bags under my eyes, betcha!!! SHOW!! I love it!! Feel, in a way tho that I’m still intruding on Fiona & Cameron. Monique left at big lunch to go to Townsville for her ballet exams 2morrow. GOOD LUCK MONI! Feel Jemima’s not happy with me either OH WELL 8:45

Wednesday 16/7/86

Officially declared BAD DAY. (1) And most important … Mark is going out with Tricia D. I told you I knew he’d been with someone at the party… the problem is, he’s still with her. Why? What a bastard. This proves one of 3 things he either didn’t like me as much as everyone reckons, or if he did, he’s being bloody selfish in going out with Trisha just for [one reason] or (3) he’s trying to make me jealous (which is stupid & wouldn’t work anyway – I don’t get jealous – I’m sensitive – I get hurt) SO NOW I’ve plastered “Mark W; bastard” etc all over the place. [“All over the place” would have been in non-public places. I still wouldn’t want to burn my bridges…] Fuck him. I like Cameron. . he makes an effort to talk to me. And he’s funny & I’m going to the show with him. [?!!! but he’s not into you!] But I’m not gonna try’n’make Mark jealous. [psssh! ha ha ha] It’ll probably turn him off like he did to me (as you can see, I still care) And Donna did know .. she just didn’t want to hurt me.. (2) mima had a big fight with her mum & ran away but when I rang there around 8:15, she was home but in conference with her mum

[In the Notes section at the back of my diary, I added the following – as an ‘answer’ – to some thoughts I had penned a week or two earlier (nothing here is dated other than the month) when I was in a more positive frame of mind about Mark:]

Whoa, girlie!!! With all this about Tricia, you really can’t be so sure anymore. Could you ever trust this guy enough?? Is he the answer to your dreams? No? Yes? What are you??

Thursday 17/7/86

Now I don’t know what to think. (we rode to school late this morning: 8:15 & took it slowly..) mima was upset & Fiona went with her fo[r] console they missed Yr11 parade & ½ of pd 1. So Cameron sat next to me. We talked. Got onto Mark. I said something like “Dickhead” C: That’s not nice me: I know… C: He likes you… me: I’ve known that for a long time. He went on telling me about how he likes me, and is only going out with Trish cos he feels obligated [Omission of facts about others, here] Also.. I find out from Becca G that everybody knows I like Mark. [With hindsight it’s easy to condemn myself for being so naive..] Great, huh?!! Sharon is so unreliable. I know it was her, even tho she denied it. [..and then to blame someone else for something that would have been so easily perceived by others. She was also not the only person who knew…] Also Cameron rang about Fiona – he really likes her a lot & is worried about the show. I eventually convinced him to still go. Is 9:35…!!! I maths, Cameron & Chris told me how much they hate Sharon. So many people do. It’s unbelievable!! Cameron also knows everything about how I feel about Mark – I’ve “begged” him not to tell [Ha! Who’s his alliance likely to lie with, Elissa? You or his best mate?]

Friday 18/7/86

♥ It was alright!! (The show, that is…) Firstly, today I listened to music did a bit of HW and got ready. I was bloody excited… would Mark be there?? If so, with or without Tricia? Picked up everybody, swapped into cars at Monique’s and went. Big group… but soon Monique, Sandy, Chris & Glyn left. So Cameron, Fi, Sharon & Adam G, me (& mima and brent later on) went on everything [amusement park rides]. we (cameron, adam & I) stood off while the others went on the zipper [That ride – pictured right – was always my most feared. I think to this day, I’ve only ever been on it once]. Then he came … all night I wanted to see him, but was too shy to talk (or even look at him) Yes, Tricia was there, but at the end she wasn’t and we went on dodgems. (not him & I – all of us) And walked to the gates together. Mima told me the things he said about me. Mima: Isn’t Lissa gorgeous? Mark: (without hesitation; very hastily answering, determinedly) Yes! (And then Trish came. Gave mima very dirty looks all nite) Also ~~mima~~: cameron: where’s elissa? Mark (quickly) up there.. mima: keeping your eye on her. Mark: you bet.

Saturday 19/7/86

I will never babysit again in my life!! Screaming babies I just cannot hack. Don’t go telling me I’ll never be able to cope with children, tho… [I just don’t like loud noises in general…] we finally got her to lie down & she’s going to go to sleep I think. Poor kid; I understand how frightened she is. Mum (& her mum) are at a National Trust Dinner. I’ll scream if they’re too late. I wanted an early night in the first place. Fuck that. I did nothing today. I just didn’t know what to do (in the way of an english assignment… my maths is driving me up the wall) And, of course, my day wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t spend some time thinking about Mark!! It’s 8:50 now; god knows what time I’ll get to bed. I am bloody tired, too. Last night it was 12:05 when I turned off my lamp!!! I’m thinking a bit about Mark & me. I don’t think we’d be very good… to start with, we find it hard to talk to each other….what next?

Sunday 20/7/86

Got to sleep around 11:45…. that baby …oooh! We only managed to make her happy (& occupied) in the last 45 mins or so. Otherwise we ignored her & she cried (screamed) or (mostly) sat on the couch keeping quiet. She also shit herself & even when mum came home, we didn’t want to try & change her nappy in case she kicked up another stink (it was too late in the night for that) I fell asleep just after mum & julia had successfully changed her nappy & her parents came. [It’s no surprise that my sister assisted in the nappy-changing; she was and is very maternal. Me not so much. Obviously.] Today I did big fat NOTHING. I had maths & english but I did none of both. What a pisshead. I kept thinking “what will I do?” for my english ..I have no idea. So I haven’t even started. Mr G will have fun revving me tomorrow. Getta move on. Just watched the movie. Umah!! Is 10:45 My, my, my …. think a lot about Mark. Would it (us) work? Really?

A Water Fight, a Doppelgänger & a Half Leg Wax (7-13 July)

Published on July 7, 2014 by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 7/7/86

Purritty embarassing! Ha! Apparently cameron was there when he rang… shame… so I’m sure a few other people know now too… Cameron, Keith, Mark, Brent & probly Steven. Girls: Sharon (mima told her; she’s totally ignoring me!!!) monique sandra (P) mima, fi, me & tanja S. I didn’t want ‘anyone’ to know… I felt terrible… (kind of) Fi & mime kept telling me to go & talk to him … as if!! Walk up sit down & start talking. I don’t have the guts, sorry. [Have to say, I still wouldn’t do it now either. Yes, I am still THAT shy.] Otherwise, fairly boring day. Think Mark didn’t mind the call. Thinking a lot more about it … he left his dinner, talking to me & the more I think about, I realise he did ask me some questions & talked too. [It’s amazing how well our Minds can ‘warp’ things…] Dad came round this arvy [it was his birthday] – gave him screwdriver set, copper beer mug and socks (& lotsa hugs & kisses) mima & fi went to town after school to get my prezzy!!! 9:35 (miss my digital watch!) can finally do [understand, I assume] my maths!! Hip Hip HOORAY!

Tuesday 8/7/86

Got a bit depressed this afternoon. I feel so dumb – I HATE my shyness. Yet, that is what they all say Mark likes in me. But it also means I won’t be able to talk to him (at school anyway) I am so confused…. Watching the mini-series now “Mistral’s Daughter”. (Besides being a little corny, it is a beautiful story.) 9:50.. gonna crash soon. Did no HW this arvy. [Removing name here for privacy reasons] went home with [and again] (and guess what? . . . yes! She said she had to tell someone. She said it was “great”!! !!!) so walking home, she stopped in at my place. We talked. Sometimes about Sharon…a fair bit about Mark. If there was a happy medium between shyness & “bravery” If I could just be able to say ‘Hi’ now & then & talk casually in class etc. it would be perfect. I am tired. And kind of depressed & confused & unsure & insecure. [Heavy]

Wednesday 9/7/86

We skipped athletics trials again this week (and with my luck, they’ll have cracked-down on those who “skip” it so will get into trouble on my birthday…) Went to town at big lunch… looked for [cassette] tape [of the album] “Little Creatures” by Talking Heads (no one had it) then got Fi’s (formal) shoes off lay-by & got lotsa food. Stopped back at Dunphy’s newsagent for the rest of the arvy, reading mags again. Polly & her friend Selina were there this time too. Also today realised just how much work I have for art and, all over, how much more I’ll have to try to achieve my goal of at least 3 VHA’s this semester…→ A LOT!! And Mark? Well, I didn’t see much of him. Going to Nana’s for tea tonight [it was her birthday…within the space of 3 days, my dad, my grandmother & I all celebrated our birthdays], on our way to Newmarket Drive In bottle shop, saw a person with blonde hair riding along. Thought Cameron. And it was. And Mark was there too!! YUM YUM! Did no HW. Is 8:50.

Thursday 10/7/86

MY BIRTHDAY…WOWEE. The biggest, sorest pimple on my nose… PAIN! And it’s bright red! Fairly good day. Woke up to phone calls galore & ran late!! From Fi & mima, I got make-up (eye shadows!!) and cards + 1 from Donna. Not much of a fuss at school Thankful, in a way. Pretty boring day except that I missed double art for a bio talk (only to be near mark – otherwise I wouldn’t have gone) Quite fun & I think Mark’s looking at me a bit more again now. (??!!) Upset after school – the CHS & saints footy clash was on & no one had invited me. After a lot of tears [oh dear, not a happy birthday?], I scabbed a lift with the Brewers (felt absolutely terrible) mark wasn’t there. But Cameron (2nd best!) was. Got $100 so far [total birthday cash, that is]. Dad & Geoff & Jenny yet to go!!! [Expectant little thing, aren’t you?!] (Hoped Mark’d ring or something) eyes are so sore (from crying I guess) stinging – must shut them & get some sleep!! 9:45.

Friday 11/7/86

If there was any doubt, that can (again) be rid of; I have new again, straight from “the man” (Cameron. McK) Fiona said “does mark like Elissa?” In ~~biology~~ dance practise. Of course (loyalty to his friend) he didn’t say but she bugged him & he said (something like) “Mark really likes Elissa. He’d really like to talk to her but is too shy. He’d like to walk up & talk but wouldn’t know how to start a conversation.” FREAKY!! I’m happy! I LOVE MARK!! (I look at him and wonder “that (meaning gorgeous hunk) likes ME?” How can it be? Anyway (I had a good time in chemistry with Cameron, even had a ‘waterfight’ (which Mark witnessed the middle & end of) Went to town with Julia & Justine tonight. Saw so many things I’d like that ended up only buying my shoes – which I adore!!!!!!!! ♥ Mark! 10:45. In town in Chandlers [THE eminent music store in town at that time], saw a guy (not really good looking) had looked so much like Mark ie; his features so closely resembled mark; wonder if its his brother. Unbelievable how similar he looks!

Saturday 12/7/86

I did nothing. (I mean, after I went clothes shopping..) I got a pair of white leggins/ski pants and a heavy cotton jumper/dress… soft pink. Also got white & soft pink socks (cotton, knee-hi) and mum bought Julia a colourful shirt. But this arvy, I did barely anything. Waste of a day… could’ve waxed my legs or something. . . (eg. HW) But finally got thru’ to mima’s around 6:15… she said they’d come at 6:30 to take me to see the Yr 12’s going to their formal. I wish I could’ve seen Fi . . apparently she looked beautiful [dolled up as an usher for the function – the privilege I had also been offered but declined]. I really felt stupid … why didn’t I go? I know why & in a way I don’t regret saying no. [Well that’s a relief! Acceptance of the outcome of my choice, and a hint of the presence of some degree of self esteem!] Anyway, I’ve already started planning my dress etc!!! 10:10 Hope Mark will be my partner at our formal. Hope so. Yummiest Guy out!! I love Mark W!!!

Sunday 13/7/86

Boring! I did my set HW (and I didn’t even start my english assignment) – well, (what I could do of maths) I didn’t have much. Then I waxed my half leg (shins) I’ve washed & moisturized them a lot this time so the hair follicles will hopefully not get infected; feels better!! (Missed a fair bit!!) Also played lots of records [yep, black vinyl – the original recorded music medium!]. But it was rather boring. Love thinking about Mark….. spunk. Also this arvy, experimented with my hair … made it wavy or crinkly & have decided to do it like that for my school photo tomorrow. Looked good! Also have decided how I’m gonna grow my hair …. Length to my lips (all the same; a bob) and get perm solution combed through it; push in some kinks so its slightly wavy or more “bouncy” – “curvy” !!! [Uh-huh and that’ll work. I had fanciful ideas about how things worked!] 10:15 Tired! Got big red dots & pimples all over my face. Will hafta use coverup so they don’t show in my photo.. unless they miraculously heal tonite!!!

[Although I didn’t date it, I’m fairly sure the following spiel I wrote in the ‘Notes’ section at the back of my diary happened sometime in this week – the mood and tone seem to correlate:] Mark is the biggest spunk. Want to make friends with him (at least) Am so upset. How the hell can I do this? Let’s face it; I am far too shy. He has to make the first move. I think he does like me a LOT. I think. (I hope) well, the way it’s going I know I am liking him LOTS more all the time. Just have to look at him and I feel elated knowing he likes me; that beautiful, tall hunk likes me, in all my plainness. It is inconceivable. [It’s inconceivable that I had such an incredibly huge inferiority complex. But, I was what I was!] But I love (??) him or at least have the biggest crush on him ever. . . .