Tag: depression

Her Funeral, the Public Memorial & Raw Meat Pie (9-15 February)

Published on by Elissa Coxen2 Comments

Monday 9/2/87

Mark saw me 2 times today!! Came up in his wheelchair! He was chirpier and only stayed little whiles. I was shitty in the morning – woken early again cos I couldn’t roll over – so bad – makes me restless so I’m still tired & cranky. A shower and I still felt bad – exhausted. But I put lotsa pressure on my left leg – put all my weight on it (nearly) GREAT! (But dad reminded me tonight about the crack in my femur – don’t wanna make that worse.) [In the long term this injury amounted to nothing: at some stage I recall a doctor saying they weren’t even certain it existed: the crack was so fine that it could have simply been a scratch on the X-ray itself] They also dressed my right leg (the deep puncture) today – Tania C (who was here all day – 10am to 8pm!!) and my fav. nurse Alison “comforted” me but I made heaps of noises – it was bad. [I’ve already ascertained that my vocal chords are not inhibited in times of Stress…] My leg was put on an electric exerciser – it was great – bending & moving my right leg!! I was wary at first. God changing the dressing was hell-ful. I also did my first shit in one week or ≈8/9 days. [Ok, for new readers, I need to explain: my family – dad in particular – was not very inhibited with regard to discussing bodily functions. To the point that (perennial comedian he is) he coined a phrase for the phenomenon: the “Coxen Bowel Fetish”. If you care to better understand this unique family trait, there’s a fuller explanation in this post from my 1984 archives] Quite a few visitors perked me up. We watched video of Friday’s school memorial & tree planting. Sound was terrible couldn’t hear anything. Cried anyway. [Naturally] Mark got his tube out of his lung. Am tired now – hoping I can roll over tonight. Glad Mark visited me “a lot”. I really do think he likes me a lot – that letter says it all & so has he. It’s about […and then I forgot to fill in the time..]

A Life in Words
Goodbye my beautiful friend x

Tuesday 10/2/87

I went to Monique’s funeral by car around 2:30 I thought it’d “do the job” – but I still don’t think I’ve cried enough. I realised I lost a true friend – a person I met & related with so soon, but trusted quickly & forever. She lives in my heart & mind. I need her to live with me. I met Kerri; saw Mr & Mrs P. I cry when I see them & Camille & Kerri. [I think this was the last time I would see Monique’s mother for a very long time. Apparently she refused to see me because it was too painful, because it was always with Monique. Of course this upset me, but how could I fail to understand that?] Kerri & her mum came to the hospital tonight. She doesn’t say much. [Kerri was Monique’s ‘previous’ best friend in Brisbane. With hindsight I now understand she may not have “said much” because she too would have been in shock and grieving…] I felt really cranky after the funeral – my leg was sore. people all looking at me [I’m hardly an exhibitionist, but I can tolerate a certain amount of attention. Things mustn’t be ‘rosy’ if I am shunning the ‘spotlight’…] – went home in a stretcher in an ambulance. Rolled over (partly) last night! But woken early by nurses anyway 6:00. ooooh! Bumsore! Legsore! Change of dressing was bad again today. I hate it so much. [I still hadn’t the courage to look at the wound: I have always found that one method of tolerating (physical) pain is to not look at what’s causing it. For example, I still can’t watch the needle piercing my dermis in the act of blood giving, for example…] Tanya (C.) & Alison “helped” me again, tho’ I bit Tanya’s back today. Umah. [Clearly it’s not just my vocal chords that respond to stress: so do my jaw muscles…] Funny – having Tanya in all day. (And yesterday) She’s good company. [She really was one of my Saviours] Mark came up little while once. Tonight for longer … gave him kiss (little) worried – Jaque & Michael B both say Tricia spends 2hrs a day with him. I must trust him. Exerciser again – bending knee higher. memorial service tomorrow. Will it do the final job of recovering me? Will it get me out of shock? [Oh the naivety… if only it was as easy as ‘flicking a switch’…] must be with mark 4 it. about 9:00

A Life in Words
The Civic Memorial at St Monica’s Cathedral spilled out into the street

Wednesday 11/2/87

A Life in Words
A photographer captures my feeling during the civic memorial

A packed day. Slept badly again-rolling a little isn’t enough … I went for a shower (reluctantly almost) and stood on my left leg to do so (I went to the ladies for the 1st time – out of a wheelchair – on a seat for the bath.) Then after using the loo- yes, proper loo! for a shit, yes, poo! (Talked to Trina – both of us for 10mins!) Ambulance men came. Mum hadn’t come with my uniform so Jaque let me wear hers. I felt terrible at first. I was smiling & waving at people [well… you were free of your hospital room for the first time in 6 days, and since visitor numbers had declined, seeing familiar faces after ‘so long’ would have been quite refreshing] & couldn’t cry – but later, during the eulogies, it all came out. Monique was my 1st best friend in about 6yrs [I can’t think whom I supposed my previous best friend was… six years earlier I would’ve been in Year 5 or 6 at primary school] – I think my first true one [indisputable]. I love her & I’m gonna miss her so much – not gonna be there (physically) anymore, when I need her… left in tears (news crews there – I was on the news – Mark too & others) They made me get on crutches – walk today. It hurt so much…even more (?? not sure) than dressing the wound ..I screamed but it was better today than “ever”. [“Dressing the wound” was a tad more complex than you might think. Still unable to bring myself to look at it, all I knew at this stage was that they had to ‘pack’ the wound daily with saline-soaked cottonwool, around the two plastic ‘drains’ that were buried in there. That may begin to give you an idea of the extent of the injury…] Lotsa Smithfield people came becca p, Karen & toni & Jo B – gave me a record voucher & chocolates. [Yes, black vinyl. We still had record players in the late 80’s, although cassettes were more predominantly used (in our walkmans, right?) CD’s were pretty much unheard of’.] Isn’t that great? Um, saw mark little – another kiss. He’s going tomorrow. hope he sees me at school lunchtimes. I wonder if Tricia kisses him when she sees him. Bitch – spending too much time with him. [The Green Monster] Hope nothing happens back at school. OH WOE!!

Thursday 12/2/87

I nearly fainted on the crutches this arvy – I decided to try and walk to the loo – but the pain in my leg – the blood rushing to my wound my feet – by my wound – made me light-headed weak, dizzy. After drinking water – I was wheeled to the loo. SHit. I’ve been eating choc-coated peanuts they made me shit 2 times more this arvy. [I can’t decide whether the ‘SHit’ was an expletive because I failed to get to the bathroom on my own & had to be wheeled in, or whether it was an introduction to the statement detailing my bowel movements…] After loo, I went to see Mark – talked & mucked around. He went home. (after long (??) time) But he has to come here 10pm – stay the night so they can check his leg in the morning. Hope he visits me. Said he’s going to movies tomorrow night – & it only just occurred to me: with whom? TRICIA? NO! He CAN’T. WOULDN’T. COULDN’T. might? Oh dear; I hope he visits me lots. I’ll miss him – I already do. Doctors undressed my leg today so I had no painkillers WHATSOEVER. I let out a scream & one doctor revved me. [I was immediately stunned into silence; why did the doctor snap at me? How could he be so heartless? So rough, insensitive & unsympathetic? Aren’t all medical professionals meant to be caring? I was a kid for chrissakes, with a hole in my leg …to which the dressings stuck fast every day. Was I not entitled to react to Pain? I literally dreaded the doctors’ rounds thereafter, and even tried to arrange bathroom sojourns in order to evade them. This experience may also possibly underlie my partial aversion to the clinical medical industry…] I saw the wound – unpacked. Yukky. [That’s a bit of an understatement. A Life in WordsThe only way I have been able to describe it to people is in this light: imagine you took the pastry top off a meat pie, and discovered not only that it was uncooked (red-raw) inside, but that there were also two bits of plastic tubing staring out at you. That was what my right inner thigh (about 10cms above my knee) looked like. It’s a real shame we never managed to take any photos of it.] Then waited ages till the nurses brought the stuff – to repack themselves I was much better today I think. Took stitches out of my [left] knee. God I wish my muscles would work themselves. [That’s what every lazy person wishes with regard to physical activity!] It’s 9:00. I need an early night. So I can hack walking or even standing tomorrow. I hate it. HURTS SO BAD. ♥ u mark!

Friday 13/2/87

My bruising appears to be going down – it’s fading.. I got on crutches lots today… walkies!! and I didn’t scream or even yell when my dressing was done! (I had the Finnish sister – she’s really gentle – doesn’t rip off stuff that’s stuck to the wound- soaks it in NaCl+H2O [saline solution] and gently prys apart.) But the best bit was… MY CAMERA WAS FOUND & THE HORNETTS PROCESSED THE FILM! I Have PHOTOS! 20 photos some good, some boring – but all are great campshots. Not enough of Monique. A few visitors today. Mark came up before he left. 2 goodbye kisses. I’m gonna miss him. He’d better come up tomorrow. If he doesn’t I’ll bash him!! Ha, ha! (Not going to movies- he’s going to dinner with family- “WELCOME HOME”.) Getting rain lots now. Think periods are over, thank god. Ms Mars. came up & gave us (Trina & I) [art] work. Pizza (from dad) for tea. Jaque’s going home tomorrow. Will be boring-er [meaning: more boring] when she’s gone. Yowie fell out of bed last night & Mark almost ran him over today. (in wheelchair) God, he’s lost weight – skinny runt. Restless sleep last night …couldn’t get comfortable – couldn’t roll over much. Shitty right leg. hurry up & heal! about 9:30.

A Life in Words
Sometime after the back-biting incident, I was presented with this teething ring to use during dressing changes. (I think my mum bought it for Tania’s sake!) It was clearly well-used…

Saturday 14/2/87

VALENTINE’S I got from him a red rose, a balloon-on-a-stick (saying “I love you”) and a card (and even a little letter-which is great, considering he finds it hard to write) he came during the last 15mins or so of my dressing- I didn’t know for the first 10 mins. and was babbling on.. Ha,ha. He stayed quite some time- about 4 or 5 kisses altogether today. Love that guy… can’t wait til I’m better & we’re both back at school. Cried more for Monique today. Realised how she’s the only one I’ll really miss – she’s the one who was most part of my life. I love you Monique. I wish you were here. I thought about being dead today. If I’d died, I wouldn’t’ve minded – cos moni’d be with me.. I’d feel none of the pain I get with this leg etc [The contemplation of Death is unavoidable in an experience such as this. You meet with it yourself, you lose your peers to it, you can’t hide from it. Up to this point in time, I naturally hadn’t formed many beliefs (we were never a highly religious family). I hadn’t conceived of much: ‘Where’ exactly do you – did they – Go? Heaven? What is Heaven? Does it even exist? The Fear of Death is simply the Unknown, so it’s clear that in one (very odd) respect I benefitted from Monique’s death: it removed an element of Fear about the Afterlife (or simply, ‘After’). I believed I would not be Alone, and I would not feel (physical) Pain…] ..Few visitors ..boring day cause JACQUE LEFT at 10:30. It’s so different without her. Ate lotsa junk today Hospital food -yukky-some alright. Kentucky from Trina’s parents for tea. I still will cry for monique I don’t think I’ll ever stop – slow down maybe, but never stop. [I was right. But the tears much, much fewer and farther between, because… Life Goes On.] Easier on crutches, esp. tonight.

Sunday 15/2/87

Mark did come in today.. was boring for him, I could tell..reckons he won’t come back or see me for 3 weeks… I reckon he’ll come back. Has to. I’ll bash him if he doesn’t!! [What’s with all this ‘bashing’ Liss? A bit aggressive…] Love that guy. He came in before I went for a shower and had my dressing changed – saw the hole in my leg. Crabbe came in yet again…and Tania, but what’s new? Missing Alyson (nurse) quite a few new nurses now Did my daily exercise – crutch to loo shower, clean my teeth, to the “lookout room” at the other end of this floor & other miscellaneous crutch expeditions. Here I was thinking this diary would be just big enough. Next year I’m gonna get a thick book & write when I feel like it…probly every night, but more often if I feel inclined. Slept quite well last night. Talked to lotsa people, Justin, Daniel A, Dad, mum about their side of the story; what they felt ..what happened to them. [I believe ‘sharing’ experiences assists in the grieving and/or healing process. I have been surprised by the number of readers who have, through their gratitude to me for these blogposts, expressed this. While she wasn’t a ‘diariser’ like I, Mum managed to maintain a journal for a few weeks after the accident and I intend to transcribe parts of that in another, separate post in the near future. Reading it myself is difficult for two reasons: not merely identifying with (or trying to imagine) her experience, but also because she has now passed, her absence (my Loss) is accentuated.] I realised I haven’t dreamt since the accident. 2 weeks almost. Wonder if that’s [a] mental side effect. Will ask a social worker tomorrow. Eeek! Doctors tomorrow looking at my wound. No escaping it! Aaagh! Ate a fair bit today. Ooo-er! Rainy, cool… I think I’m getting better physically… mentally no.. I’m depressed… I’ll be in here at least another week.. I reckon 2. Everybody else’ll be gone by then I bet.

Boys’ Behaviours & Grooming in the Garden (27 October-2 November)

Published on by Elissa CoxenLeave a comment

Monday 27/10/86

Went to aerobics tonight – was great – very tiring, but great. 2 times a week, I’ll go; get fit & stay on this diet. Am tired now. Is about 8:50. Cooler tonight although the expected minimum is 23º; same as last night – the days are still rather hot. Rained a bit tonight – hope it does, more. Riding tomorrow. Periods, I think, will finish quickly – hope so!! Um…big lunch was good. Didn’t talk to Mark today . . but all (practically) lunchtime he was there. Fi, Monique & I sitting near their end [as in most schools, the are ‘territories’ akin to ‘unwritten codes’. Year 11’s in general occupied an undercover space that spanned the length of one of the classroom blocks above which was the library. The ‘popular guys’ sat at the very northern end, the ‘popular girls’ immediately next to (the south of) them. We usually sat in that general region, but at this particular point in time, it sounds as if we were sitting a little further north, closer to the boys.]; A Life in Wordswatching & laughing at the antics of Steven, Mark, Keith, Cameron & Chris (not David, tho’) they’re so funny – Cameron’s bag in the tree – Keith breaking the branches, Steven wearing Cameron’s sunnies, Steven’s badminton raquet broken, Mark’s shuttlecock … it was all so funny – wondered if Mark really does like me. Feel good! Had little dinner (had some pineapple passionfruit pie today Monique made me!!! [shift the blame, Elissa!] Not much

Tuesday 28/10/86

I really don’t know what to think. I really like him. I really wish he liked me a lot. Oh, I can’t tell. It’s not fair. [Uhuh. Life’s not.] I rode. Yes, I  am sore [from aerobics]. Mostly the upper arm and shoulder area. I am also rather tired. Very. I think, if I’m not riding again tomorrow, I ‘ll get mum to drop me to school, late. Otherwise I sit there, glancing, waiting for mark to show. I don’t want to do that. [The best thing about this is I know it wasn’t due to self consciousness – being concerned that people might notice me looking out for him. It was more about not wanting to be a slave to my feelings, if that makes any sense? Basically, I think it’s a sign of my deep-seated, as yet undiscovered Independence – or as some may read it, fear of commitment?] What’ll I do? Hot again, today. Homework is so hard- gonna start study this weekend with Monique (wanna go out, too, tho’!) Why? Just to see Mark? (Yeah, I s’pose you’re right. . .I’ve got to control it) Yep! Get it outa your system – think negative – HE HATES YOU. Great!!! Some gorgeous hunk needs to fall head over heels in love with you … and you with him. Diet? Well, I still dunno how much I’ve lost. But will keep it up- I like it!! Is 9:20 Must go to sleep. Bags under my eyes. So much work to do.

Wednesday 29/10/86

About 9:00 now. Went to aerobics this arvy, even though Monique didn’t. Found it a bit easier – quite a bit easier today – still sweating heaps tho!! [The perfect example of something I try to communicate to people who don’t exercise: training is actually easier than you think. The first session will always be the hardest, but it’s downhill from there … unless you’re ‘not doing it right’.] Bio test – blech! I don’t think I done well!! [I think the double exclamation marks here illustrate the fact that I was deliberately using poor grammar] (Mark didn’t even know it was on (or so he said to Chris)) I laughed at him.A Life in Words When I asked greg for paper, Mark’d say – “no, don’t give her any”…etc & do the forks!! I really must try to forget him – get interested in some others. Unrequitted love – like Steven. [privacy omission here] (That makes me wonder…) […about? Oh, whether he hates ME. Again. For the hundredth time.] still haven’t started my final assignment. GET MOVING Lissa. Not losing weight – must exercise more huh?! [Not necessarily, dear. I didn’t know back then that muscle weighs more than fat.] Riding tomorrow. Is rather hot (very) Got some rain today & tonight. I must think I’m ‘FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE  [with regard to You Know Who…] Night!! Mum dropped me to school today – Lazy!

Thursday 30/10/86

Did not find out my biology mark. Did very little in art, blundered on blindly & hopelessly in maths & chem. Did not do any HW. My english assignment due before 3:15pm tomorrow. When will I do it? God, I’m a dickhead! Monique dropped all her stuff; doona, pillow, clothes, food, HW etc off this arvy. A Life in WordsAlso, during bio while video was on, I saw Mark write a note to Duane & then, getting it back, scribbled it out with a black nikko pen. I was very curious (He’d been out of school grounds before school, during double tutorial, little lunch & big lunch) so, after art period 7, raced back & got the note. [You nosy little….!? I can’t believe I behaved so ‘creepily’!] A bit skint – he was downstairs when I came down. Talking (Fi, Sharon, me & mima) to him, Cameron, Steven & Terry before bus came. Finally on bus mima deciphered it throughout the nikko… “I HAVE (then scribbled out) …[omitting the message for privacy reasons].” Naughty Boy!! Is 9:50. Mum dropped me to school again this morning!!

Friday 31/10/86

Oh woe! I am tired. Talked a (very) little this arvy – but mostly to Cameron. Boring day. Got english done & handed in at big end of big lunch. Monique got 2 done … wrote 3 paragraphs for the last one, UMAH!! Mum drove me to school again. Is about 10:40, must get to sleep soon – want to do all work tomorrow and go out tomorrow night & to the Beach on Sunday. Real ragey!! [I wonder when I stopped using that word? I hope it’s soon, it makes me cringe as much as the perpetual thoughts & whining about Mark.] Wanna sleep soon Mum & Geoff are home now. I really want to sleep. Study tomorrow – HW outta the way. I am tired. Now it’s 11:05…. Monique keeps talking so it’s taken me ages to write this. dunno what to write (busted my diet tonight – hot dog, dip, chips, lollipop – she-it!) Hope Mark’s at House on the Hill [nightclub] tomorrow night!

Saturday 1/11/86

So much for all the HW and study we were going to get done today! Monique sat in the back yard – I did  little chemistry, she shaved her legs [I have such a clear memory of this. One of the defining memories I have of her; sitting in the sun with a bucket of soapy water & the razor], I did no maths, we had a water fight & washed our hair under the hose. Got a little burnt too; fi called a few times. About 8:00, mum took her, monique & me to monique’s then dropped us at the video shop. [I wonder what my mum ‘knew’? I can’t imagine that she would have allowed us to go out. My guess is that we fed her a lie about watching videos at Monique’s…because we didn’t own a video player ourselves.] We walked back. Monique had a shower – we all decided what to wear. What could I wear? I eventually gave up and just watched the video. Monique & Fi were ready – make-up, hair etc. Finally Fiona dressed me. We got a taxi there around 12:00 Waited for ages in the carpark till we finally walked up… rejection! I couldn’t believe it. We walked away  And sat on the steps… wishing the guy’s’d come out…guess what? Chris K & Glynn came out!!! Unreal!! After about ¾hr, we attempted again…  a synch!! signed […and turned the page over to Sunday, to continue….]

Sunday 2/11/86

the book [the statutory declaration ‘book’ in which you declared you were 18 years of age or over. Yes, it is laughable. But that’s how ‘easy’ we had it in those days 😉 ] and went in. Monique & Glynn came in when Chris’d gotten someone for fiona – david d!! Everyone was in Smithy’s [a quieter bar inside the nightclub] Mark, Steven, Cameron, Keith, Ben, Brett Hinds…. So many guys. Saw Sharon, being a bit of a snob. Sat down at the table. Monique, me, Fiona, Steven, Mark, Cameron, Chris, glynn, brett & ???Keith(??) A Life in WordsAnyway I thought Mark liked Fiona – talked to her a lot … went outside – bought a jug of beer. We eventually followed … there ended up (mainly) me, fi, moni, mark, Cameron & brett. We had a drink & danced & sat. Was good, but I was really depressed to begin with…I really think he likes Fi. I was sad. Almost started crying when my song “True Blue” came on. [A perfect example of the depressive power of alcohol…] He was dancing with Sharon then (sort of similar to how we danced last time) He danced with me tho’ when Cam. went – we ended up only ones (from our group) on the floor!! But it was a stupid song. We sat… talked little – gave me a flower – I was collecting the ones cameron was throwing away. Finally, we caught a taxi. got home, monique & I, and mum & jules were up. [Okay, so… was mum shitty? I don’t understand. Maybe she DID know we were going out? If that’s the case – my mum ROCKED!!] Went to sleep. Got 4 hrs. did nothing, really Slept a lot. Cherie & Amanda came over. We didn’t go to the beach! Is about 8:40. Take 40 Australia. RELAX!!!!! sleep

Sunburn, Soreness & A Chemical Bath (22-28 September)

Published on by Elissa Coxen1 Comment

Monday 22/9/86

Went to town today. Getting ready this morning and guess who arrived? LUCY!! Yeah! She surprised me. And Fi when we picked her up! (She [Lucy] got on well with Monique too) [privacy omission here] I tried on heaps of clothes & shoes but bought nothing . . . Lucy, Fi & Monique did. Fi got shoes & togs & jumpsuit; Lucy got a pinafore dress & togs. Mima was working all day in KAFFA – spent lunch break with her. In the bus on the way home, saw John C. Yum. Too short for me tho (as if I’d have a chance) [and anyway, aren’t you obsessed with Mark?] Talked to Julie H this arvy – Sharon rang & I said I’d ring her back but forgot. Oh well. Gonna see Monique get her hair permed tomorrow. A Life in WordsAm tired & upset (about?) everything. I just wish everything was going perfect for me. Not likely . Not my luck 11:00. [That’s the spirit!] must sleep – had to wear mum’s strapless bra to town today cos of sunburn. so sore!! Pain trying on all the clothes [Tsk, tsk]

Tuesday 23/9/86

Oh! My feet are sore! I went to town again. Took Fi. Met Monique at 10:10 at Kim Calverly’s [a popular hairdresser]. I wore my white skirt & red & white striped shirt – we sat for an hour then went (straight) to Treasurway & I bought a green/aqua polo shirt & wore it the rest of the day. We bought an ice cream and met Steven. Stayed with us the rest of the day. Walked round alot – visited mima (at work again) & occasionally popped in to see how Moni was going. Finally, her hair was finished (at 2:45) [Good lord, I’d forgotten how long perms take – not having had one myself since… the early 1990’s] Looks FANTASTIC. Gorgeous hair. She is Full stop!! Steven caught the bus home before we went to show mima moni’s hair→ . Fi couldn’t stop crying! It was so sad – [privacy omission here] . . . oh how terrible for her!! [privacy omission here] At home, I can’t work tomorrow Dad said there’s not any work!! Beka rang tonight. Am riding with her to Smithfield where Lucy’s staying. Fun!! Is almost 9:30 This watch is stuffed.

Wednesday 24/9/86

Rode over. Took about 30 mins. There, we talked while listening to music before all riding down to Smithfield Shopping Centre. Had brief glances around at shops – bought heaps of food & back at Lucy’s sat on the front verandah – no back!! & ate. swam, ate, talked . . .and finally Beka & I rode home. Got gear, picked up Beka & went back to Lucy’s. After dinner, we rang Fi – talked for ages – she’s coming to Fitzroy tomorrow & we rang monique – she’s coming too! Then we went for a walk – down to the park next to the Smithfield Fire Station – talking about guys – kissing mainly – walked back & sat outside by the gutter. Still talking. [What girls do best] I am sad still – inside. It is so obvious that Mark does not like me but that won’t register in my brain. I think the only way would be for him to tell me to my face that he doesn’t. The only way. Late night. About 11:30

A Life in Words
Fitzroy is closer to Cairns than Green Island but only seemed to gain popularity in the mid 1980’s. It is definitely my preferred local island.

Thursday 25/9/86

Fantastic day! Swam heaps – on the pontoon [there used to be a pontoon there? I don’t remember that] & around – was so beautiful. Didn’t get ‘sorely’ burnt. [Oh that’s ok then…] On my recovering burns I packed suncream. I got burnt on the back of my legs (upper) not much and browned a bit on my back & shoulders (again) but no PAIN!! Also upper arms. But we had fun. No hunks (our age) There were 2 guys we saw briefly near the kiosk (older) drinking – quite cute. We went rock-climbing but got stuck so had to return. Oh well! Wish Mark’d gone. Why would he? Nicole’d probably go too. Ate a bit (was fairly hungry). Saw mima before we left this morning she & jay walked around wharfs before work. Nothing really exciting happened. Met a Canadian guy Tom (21) & talked (& joked) alot with him. [Surely he’d’ve been in his element with the attention of five 16 year old girls?] about 9:35 – mum’s gone to Fishers for a drink. Nite!!

Friday 26/9/86

Today was my first uninteresting day. I was going to do my HW. Believe me, I wanted, more than anything, to do my english (etc) but I just couldn’t . I don’t know why – I wasn’t motivated . . I know I should’ve – that could’ve been the only spare day I got. Am working tomorrow & will probly be at Monique’s on Sunday (hopefully am staying at her place on Sat. nite (again!) with Fi & Mim & [omission here]) Hafta ring her about that tomorrow too. So today I listened to music, attempted my english assignment (but didn’t further it) ate, read & did other aimless stuff. I am looking forward to tomorrow night. I hope I have the biggest rage. And I’m not getting my hopes up that Mark’ll be there (or am I?) let alone my getting with him again. No forget it Liss. Julia stayed at Cherie’s last night & went to Palm Cove today. At Ramada Resort saw Brent & another guy – by her description it could’ve been Phil (or Tony H) watched movie (stupid) Is 10:55 Work tomorrow

Saturday 27/9/86

I worked 6 hours – packing – pouring chemicals into drums (back is killing and I was covered in chemicals) But got $24. [Fantastic! Paid a pittance for the privilege of back pain and god-knows-what kind of inflammation as a result of being doused in ammonia, sodium hypochlorite & the like. No such thing as ‘Workplace Health & Safety’ in the 80’s. There’s not a hope in hell I nor anyone would be undertaking that kind of work in this day and age.] Came home around 5:15. After about 20 phone calls – no joke – to monique & mima & from monique & fiona & mima it was decided that we wouldn’t go out. Lucy had come over at 5:30. We (fi, me, luc) were going to stay at monique’s & go out – [omission here] moni meeting Jay, but thanks to [privacy omission] the Bastard, everyone’s night was wrecked. He said he had to study [privacy omission here] …she’d been looking forward to going out with him – so [privacy omission] stayed home. [Privacy omission] stayed at Jay’s. Monique didn’t want to come to my place when I asked her & Lucy also went home. So we minded (mum & I) Fiona & Chris from next door. Is 11:00 Am so tired & depressed. I was really looking forward to going out tonight. [Privacy omission] stuffed up everyone’s plans [privacy omission] [No, ONE person made a decision for himself. Which led to others making their own decisions. Shit Happens.]

Sunday 28/9/86

A Life in WordsOh my back!! Packing yesterday really showed today – all my back muscles (particularly lower back) [uh-huh! and who suffers from chronic sacroiliac pain NOW? Damage certainly does start early…] and lower shoulders are so sore!!! But at least I’ve toned them! [Um, maybe? But the lower back: No.] Ha Ha! Woke – dunno when – but dragged out of bed about 8:15 to Lucy on the phone. Spent the morning doing very little productive (got ready slowly) waxed my armpits. WOW! Mum left for Palm Cove about 10:50. Lucy got me at 11:30. Got stuff for picnic & went to Trinity Beach (DAMMIT) Boring – we just lay on towels in the shade. Home about 4:00 (??) Did nothing there either. Is about 9:10 now. Going to bed – listen to Take 40 Aust on headphones (this week its an ‘all-time’ top 40.) Felt terrible today [guilty]. Mum went to Palm Cove on her own. How boring and lonely and sad. [Some people enjoy their own company. I came to realise Mum especially did. And I have taken after her, after all.] She said there were heaps of people there – esp good-looking guys (my age mostly) & saw mima. shoulda gone with her. Sleep well. Do some assignments elissa. You’re gonna be in big strife if you don’t. [Love the self-lectures… falling on deaf ears!]

A ‘Bizarre Love Triangle’ at the Fete (8-14 September)

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Monday 8/9/86

Well quite a few people (I think; Donna, Sandie, Monique, Mima, Fiona, Sharon, Tania, Heather, Linda, Tanja, Judy & Rebecca G – that’s all I think) know about Phillip C liking me. And of those who know/have seen him, all reckon he’s cute – some say gorgeous – best bod!A Life in Words Lifesaver! Swimmer! Wow. But mima told me that Melinda B reckons Peter H was at Phillip’s place on Sunday; meaning he rang from there. SHAME!! But I still love Mark. But he obviously (??) likes Nicole… Cameron & Judy rubbed it in today. Cameron in chemistry said “Did you go with the others to the Playpen?” “No” went to the movies” – “Oh, we went to Nicoles.” Fine, Cameron – that’s just great. What’m I s’posed to say? Then Judy at the busstop reckons “Have you seen Nicole’s love bite? Can’t miss it – big purple mark all over her neck and shoulder.” Double fine, huh? You bastard Mark. You’ve got to love me. Please. I want you more than anything. [Ugh, desperation! With hindsight I have to say this whole infatuation experience was a HUGE ‘life lesson’ I did finally learn from.] I’m tired. Bin studying for maths Ha! Got chem mark back 11½/15 – I passed by lots!! Wow!! Bludge day.

Tuesday 9/9/86

A Life in Words
The Boland Centre was built in 1912 & showcased the department store David Jones right up until 1984

I won’t get to see what Phillip looks like until tomorrow; CAD (& selected Yr 11 & 12 art students – including Mark) are going walking around town during recreation time looking for people to do their windows for Fun In the Sun. Monique Sandie, me & Donna got the best block; Boland Centre, Rockmans, cominos arcade. Wo! Rage! (But I really wanted to go swimming so I could perve on Master C. Oh well! I still like Mark, but I don’t feel as depressed as before (I guess this matter with Phil has boosted my self-confidence somewhat) I’m watching a mini-series (Part 1) at the moment; it’s 9:55. Will probably get to bed around 11:30. Didn’t ride today. Maths exam I failed that’s all I have to say – I’m glad I learnt my content – that might’ve helped. HOPE Dunno if I’m riding tomorrow or not. Want to sleep in. Fun tomorrow I hope. Started doing some speech HW – unbelievable! Exam next Thurs.

Wednesday 10/9/86

Mima & I rode today (Adam, too) Didn’t get any test results back (i.e. Maths or English) At big lunch, Donna & I rode to City Place. We walked down to metropolitan building society so she could get money out then to Monique & Sandie (& Ms Marsland) for instructions about getting “clients”. All four of us had the best block to cover; the Boland centre one. It took longer than most others. Lots weren’t interested in us painting/decorating their windows – but there were still fair few who would “get back to us”. [Ha!] After, rode back to school, picked up my bag & waited for mima. I left & rode home on my own at 3:05 – quite impatient, then after speech when we were talking she said she got to school at 3:20 – lucky I didn’t wait – long time! But at speech asked Megan if she knew P.C. – she said “Yeah” I said what do you think of him? She said “pretty cute” & that one of her friends was flipped over him. That makes me feel really great. Someone who lotsa girls like & he likes me!! 10:40.

Thursday 11/9/86

Rode again. Got my haircut, too – (“much”) shorter on the left side. It feels much better. Rode really slowly esp. on the way home: stopped  & pigged out, let the buses pass us. (Forgot about Saints) [Phillip was a ‘Saints’ boy, so I suppose I thought he might be on that bus and I could have caught a glimpse… had I not forgotten] Got maths & english marks back I PASSED MATHS!! I had thought without a doubt that I’d have failed but I passed!! 17½/30!! Great! [Great? It’s funny how my attitude towards schoolwork changed when I moved to Cairns High. At my primary school and during my junior High years at Smithfield, barely passing would have crushed me.] And english I thought I failed – but I did better than last semester! 8/10!! Wo! Great day! I think I’m gonna hafta forget Mark I only wish what I see & believe to be was true. I wish. But I’m also extremely curious to see Phillip C too. Fete tomorrow! That will decide!! I think. And Mark will be there too. He doesn’t talk or even look at me anymore. Probably hates my guts. Why, though? Bastard. I love him so much tho [Haha, these mental processes smack of schizophrenia!] 9:55. get some sleep late nite tomorrow. Did no HW again. Terrible bloody habit.

Friday 12/9/86A Life in Words

I’m dead. And kinda depressed. It’s just after 12:00. I saw Phil; Peter came up and was talking. How embarrassing – what could I say or do? I felt sick. [Nerves] (He (Phil) was cute/gorgeous, but it’s made no impact on me. I’m still hopelessly devoted to Mark, who I’m sure doesn’t like me) [I know this reaction is based in Fear: “better the Devil you know” is an extremely apt expression in this case] Oh, I even danced with him (& Fiona & Keith & Justine) but that was it. A pity. I do like him so much. I wore my new blue shirt which I got at lunchtime today (walked to town with Sandie and Monique) & blue & white striped skirt (found out they were the perfect match (in colour) UNBELIEVABLE!!) No HW except english & speech this weekend and I intend to get them done speech exam next Thursday. SHIT. Fete itself was boring – dance was OK. Tired. I feel terrible. I ignored Phil all night & moped around after Mark. Why am I such a loser? [No comment!]

Saturday 13/9/86

Did nothing constructive, except get my periods, today. [LOL and that’s constructive HOW? If anything menstruation is about DEconstruction] I am ashamed [because I didn’t do→]: I have 3 english assignments due this friday a speech theory exam this Thursday, a biology exam this Tuesday and a trial-run speech exam tomorrow. And the best thing I did today was to read up all about star signs.. [best?] otherwise I watched TV or read…. Was extremely depressed this morning, thinking about last night. Y’know how we were all dancing together ..well I think – I’m sure I dreamt that Mark said “Remember this?” to me as True Colours was played. Yes it must have been a dream cos they didn’t play that …or did they? Anyway, I can’t even remember what Phil looks like now, except his blue eyes (gorgeous) Rang Fi tonight – talking about Mark & etc. I think I’ll have to be content with being his friend & working my way up (???) from there. Just watched a movie. Is 11:45. Had a terribly dull day – it was gorgeous weather. Wonder if Mark’s at Lenora’s party??

Sunday 14/9/86

11:06. I just watched Superman III on TV.A Life in Words At speech this morning, Megan, mima & I talked (& laughed) a fair bit so our exams took a bit longer than 2hrs – probably about 2½ or 3. Anyway, I ended up doing it out of my notes.. I didn’t know a thing. (I rode up) at home I watched a little TV, did assignment work, listened to music & read. Petra (& Amanda for a while) came up. I like it when Petra’s here. We talk (I told them all about the night I was with Mark) Brings back memories. I long for another kiss (or 10) like those he gave me that night. Yum!! (Not really romantic tho’) I wonder if I’m a good kisser? Ha Ha god I say some stupid things! [Oh yes. Yes you do.] Anyway another fuitless weekend – only wrote about one paragraph more on one eng. assign. Have 2½ english assignments to do. God help me. Mark won’t be at school tomorrow or Tuesday – Geography excursions.

Two Phone Calls & Chemistry in the Kitchen (1-7 September)

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Monday 1/9/86

Bad, Bad, Bad, Sad day. People were kinda thrilled about that night etc, kept saying things. [I’m assuming they were happy for me to have hooked up with the guy they all knew I’d been infatuated with for so long.] But my art…and my maths & english and …Mark….. A Life in WordsI said “Hi” (he came early to school & mim & Fi & Judy weren’t on the bus) he just looked at me. At art, Fi & I saw them just walk into their room; Steven came out & talked. Mark didn’t. At big lunch he went off with Cameron, when he came back, I went. I was so confused – on the bus, I decided I’d ring Cameron. Yes, I did do it. Results: negative. E: I just want to ask you something about M… Does he still like me? C: Yeah, but he likes Nicole too. E: Oh, I see C: I thought it was pretty terrible what he did E: To me? C: Yeah. He was pretty drunk THAT EXPLAINS IT. WHY HE WAS SO HOSTILE AT FI’S … WHY HE DIDN”T TALK. [Oh is that all you were concerned about?] He doesn’t like me. I’m … SO SAD. But I am not crying… yet

Tuesday 2/9/86

It’s cold. I’m sad. I still cannot accept the fact that he does not like me as he ‘used to’. It’s not fair. I keep hoping; there is hope deep, deep down, but I’m hurting myself more: I’m disappointing myself. He talked to me today; Just a little in Biology… but I’m sure he likes Nicole. Maybe if I just get to be a good friend… what’s the use? Oh, it’s not fair. I like him so much. (Academically it was a good day) – (41/45 for bio test – what we talked briefly about – and 8/10 for my art folio – Both BIG surprises) Oh why…why couldn’t this have happened ages ago when he didn’t know Nicole. Damn it. A Life in WordsIf we were friends; if we could talk . . . I wish I could click my fingers & he would be flipped over me. [Happy endings aren’t a given in Life, and Magic? Well…keep dreamin’.] Didn’t ride – raining/cold. Speech – had a practise exam then walked to shop with Fi & mim. Ate. (Had no dinner. Have decided to diet) [typical female response to rejection?] 8:35.

Wednesday 3/9/86

I still cannot believe it. But he does like her, at least is ‘deeply’ infatuated; I said to Cameron after chem. today: “Did you tell Mark about the phone call?” C: Yeah Me: What’d he say? C: He didn’t think you liked him that much E: He must be thick, tell him he doesn’t have to pretend to like me or anything like with Trish.. [my assumption] C: He’s on a bit of a high – got a note from Nicole E: What’d it say? C: Just [that he’s] the most beautiful thing on earth etc. E: Oh. (He starts to walk off…) E: Cameron, I still want to be friends, even though I feel differently. And THAT was IT. Judy seems to think he likes me, but is “fascinated” by Nicole: she’s different; younger etc. She’s really nice. Judy, that is. She wants him to wake up cos I’m one of the nicest people… [Oh, sweet Judy. I’d forgotten that I’d had this much interaction with her…] Late for speech… I forgot. We rode today. Overcast. Mark was at swimming. God I wish everything was back to normal… 10:35. Watched the Movie. Oh woe is me. It’s not fair … the one guy – I s’pose not – there will be others. . . . . [this statement is almost uncanny… read on!]

Thursday 4/9/86

I’ve still got Jemima’s swatch. [?] And I’m still depressed. But this afternoon I was more so than ever before. I had english exam (fail- it was so bloody hard) little lunch in 4th & cos of my chem. exam in big lunch, my big lunch in 5th period. And then Biology (I failed chem, too) I didn’t do HW so I’ve got detention tomorrow [for someone who NEVER had detention, I can see how this would have tipped me further into a depressive state]. And that’s just built up, a long with my depression over Mark. I was so withdrawn this afternoon; I even thought Mark was taking more notice of me. Don’t get your hopes up Liss. I could not believe how quiet I was. Talking as little as possible to anyone. Thinking/day dreaming all the time. I am changing. I am not me at the moment. I am sad and pity myself. I enjoy being alone, like this→ usually I enjoy the attention it attracts [the “what’s wrong?”s and “you can talk to me”s], but not anymore. [Smacks more of real depression…] This time, I really want to be left to myself. I am in deep. [LOL Drama Queen] 9:45

Friday 5/9/86

A Life in WordsI feel fine when I’m not thinking about it, when he’s not in sight; but (like writing this) I get depressed thinking about it. [I obviously hadn’t yet learnt about the Power of Thought] certain things he does make me think (hope) that he does like me. But I must be pessimistic or I will be hurt more. Let off biology detention [phew]… went to art excursion, came back at beginning of lunch hour. . . other schools came & we sat thru 1½hrs (6th & 7th periods) of “chemistry in the kitchen”. Boring. Tania C & I laughed & mucked around. Got cheerier this arvy. Slow week, this was. Great! Must have fun this saturday – forget everything but first of all – HW & assignments. Must get ’em done. Also feel I want to clean out my desk. . . won’t have time, I bet. Probably won’t even get my eng. done this weekend either [almost being honest with yourself there, Liss!] OH well. Almost 9:30. Sleep & do HW then (??) At least I don’t see them together much, anymore (tho I know they are) That’s great. [Yes: out of sight out of mind]

Saturday 6/9/86

I ate heaps. I watched TV, cleaned out some drawers and listened to music. And I also did not one scrap of HW. Although all I have is maths, english & speech, I have heaps of each (esp. eng & maths) And I have to go to Dad’s for at least a little while in the morning for Father’s Day. Tania came over this arvy . . . we rushed, but Fi & I got to the movies around 7:15; Tania was later. Saw “D.A.R.Y.L.” (what we did get to see) and “About Last Night” A Life in Wordsgreat movies. Anyway Mima & Steven & Polly & Anna & Sally & Danae were there too. Fi & I caught a taxi home (I had to pay – Fi had $1 left) Oh well. Now how’s that? Wonder what Mark & Nicole did tonight. No I don’t. I Don’t care. I don’t care. I’m tired. It’s 11:45. I want to get some sleep – don’t want to think about depressing things. Why do fools fall in LOVE?????

Sunday 7/9/86

I am ashamed. I did no HW, whatsoever at all this weekend. That is terrible. Planted & gardened a bit with mum (Julia stayed at dad’s last night) we went to dad’s around 10:00 I think, but before we left – just before we left – the phone rang. Mum said “Its’ for you” I said “Sharon” she said “no, a male”. No, it was not Mark. It was Peter H. Ha Ha. Anyway he said his friend Phillip C thinks I’m cute & has for a long time – saw me at movies last night, at the chemistry lecture & at Trobruk Pool (last wednesday, I deduced it was) And he said “do you want to meet him?” No. let it be. I’ll just wait and see. [I was – and still am – totally averse to set-ups or blind dates. Anything contrived puts me right off. One of the (many) reasons internet dating is not for me.] (At Dad’s watched Weird Science on video & went to see the house he bought – could be nice with doing-up) Rang mima around 2:00, asked her about him. She reckons he’s cute – really tall (brown skin) was sitting with Rodney T at the chem. lecture & I didn’t see him. SHIT. Oh well – prob. is I still love Mark. Watched Romancing the Stone on TV tonite Great! Is almost 11:00. School work is YUK.

Life is a Creek

Published on by Elissa Coxen2 Comments

A Life in Words

Life is  a Creek. There are countless analogies out there but one of my clients mentioned it last week and it really stuck with me.

You see, I’ve had a pretty interesting few months. For someone who likes to think she “gets it”, who has perfect faith in her spiritual/philosophical belief system, I’ve had one hell of a big Awakening.

It started with a physical ailment; some serious back pain. It’s not like I’ve never had ‘serious back pain’ before: this was different. This didn’t actually involve the disc bulges or neural pinches I’ve typically experienced in the past. No, this was just plain old muscular seizure. My physio was a bit puzzled. My yoga teacher wasn’t.

I was aware enough to recognise it was due to Stress. Work stress. I’d taken on a fourth job… for a variety of reasons, but in all honesty, money was the ‘deep’ motivation. I thought this opportunity might also lead me in a new direction, widen my scope for ‘Success’ because it involved one of my passions.

Suffice to say, I was wrong. I’d had what I thought were rose-coloured glasses on. I’d ‘pushed’ myself under the belief that I was being pro-active, but I came to realise, I was actually being driven by a deep-seated ‘desperation’. As always happens, the awakening came in a series of realisations.

Firstly, on the physical level, I realised the culprit muscles seizing in my back were only doing what they were ‘taught’: in the Past, the physical treatment for my injuries/pain required me to be in a specific postural position for relief, release & recovery. Five or so years of this particular ‘rehab’ position had trained certain muscles to respond (that is, created a new pattern or ‘habit’) to any Stress, by immediately contracting to ‘protect’ that area that I had led myself to believe was inherently weak.

I knew what I had to do; from my philosophical/spiritual point of view (to which neuroscience is now alluding also, incidentally) it was simply Common Sense. My Yoga teacher didn’t really have to tell me. I knew it. And my Physio agreed. I had to Stop. Rest. Meditate. As much as possible. So relaxation/healing meditations were added to my daily routine.

When the root of my Stress was elicited by my acupuncturist (he didn’t actually have to dig it out of me – it seemed to be a case of just being ‘the right time’ for the words to spill out of my mouth) he gave me some more focus for my meditations and breathing that addressed my physical as well as emotional pain. And I practiced.

I had also been reading a book recommended to me by my yoga teacher (even better; she had presented it to me in a pile of books and I had been the one to choose it from the stack… another perfect example of “cosmic timing”) It had taken me awhile to get through because I simply had so much other stuff to attend to, but I had caught glimpses of clarity as I worked my way through it.

The kicker came towards the end of the book.

Dammit, I know this stuff. I’ve read heaps of ‘new age’ literature and it all makes perfect sense to me. How could I not have seen this and more importantly lived it until now?

The author – himself a yogi – wrote of his own ‘Illumination’ and his three simple words struck a huge chord with me.

“I don’t know.”

What? This:

My whole life has been plagued by these words, with respect to ‘Purpose’. What Am I Here For?A Life in Words

I have struggled with this forever. It’s the deepest source of my Depression.

Describing the weight that lifted from him when he spoke those words out loud to no one in particular, and moreover, the revelation that it didn’t matter – none of it mattered – Blew. Me. Away. Forget the light bulb, I had a hundred floodlights in my face.

The source of my deepest struggle instantly dried up.

I always knew I was the master of my life: heck, I have read enough to know that. But to strike at the heart of one of your most dominant Concerns is totally liberating.

I can fully practice what I have learnt now. In one fell swoop, my Fear of the Future has gone.

So now I’m focusing on being a Leaf.

As my client put it, if Life is a creek and we are all fallen leaves being freely carried by its running waters, we are bound to be washed up against debris, pooled & eddied. Most of us get stuck: trying to fight, resist or control. What leaf ever moved a rock or fallen tree trunk out of its path? These struggles and challenges are an absolute and unavoidable part of Life. I’m ready to let go of resistance, to let the waters carry me where I’m meant to go.

I am finally ready to really Trust.

I have found renewed Faith. And god, it feels amazing!

A Failed Exam, a Grease Preview & THE Photo Again (11-17 August)

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Monday 11/8/86

Today was a better day than I thought it would be. See, Mark was away… but in double chemistry (everyone else, it seems, was too – on the musical camp) Mr Lavers was away so I wrote a 12 page letter to Lucy all about Mark!! Then, thru triple art & little lunch, we watched a video – had to do sketches from it. But BIG LUNCH was the BEST PART!! We went in the dark room and soon Mr Short came. He developed (at my request) 2 photos of Mark & me from the dance!!!! The photography was excellent (not bad of me – excellent of Mark, tho!! Except looks as if he is holding his breath & struggling to keep from smiling)A Life in Words [Apparently he was partway through an exhalation, lips pursed and cheeks inflated…kinda like a puffer fish?! Sorry to disappoint: I felt obliged to  edit him out of the photo out of respect for his privacy.] I cannot stop looking at it!! I’m really happy!! So now those who know of it are, Sandie, Moni, Donna, Sharon, Mima fi Polly & Judy & of course, Mr Short (Mark & his friends would, too, but they won’t see it!!!) Went to speech this arvy for final tips on work etc. Is 9:20. Gonna stare at the photo so[me] more. [Now that sounds ‘creepy’…]

Tuesday 12/8/86

My speech exam was… average. Probably a “B”, I think. My reading was good, my poem was good, my talk was stuffed and my news report was fair. We had to wait ages (she was running at least 40 minutes behind!!) Mima came round. We spent the morning typing out our work and practising. After lunch we left, riding on our bikes. Got there and changed in the loos [‘loos’ are toilets/bathrooms for those who aren’t familiar with this Australian slang]. Then worked up our nerves for ages. After, we laughed about it – the conversations we’d had were bloody hilarious!! Rode to sly cones [an ice creamery] (did not pass the school) then into town. Rode home – stopped at the Aeroglen park & laughed & sang. Rode on home slowly. Hot day today – couldn’t believe it!!! It’s 8:45 – earlyish night. Exams are over!! CAN’T WAIT for school tomorrow!! See Mark in the flesh. I am still drooling over the photos!! Julia took one to school [she was still attending Smithfield High at this stage]. Most thought he was O.K. Amanda said YUK. 2 girls she barely knew said yum & about me: is that your sister? God she’s beautiful, so pretty etc Can you believe it? [Perhaps you weren’t as plain as you thought, Liss?]

Wednesday 13/8/86

Ha! I knew something’d go wrong today. It was for the best, though. (I suppose). I did take the photo to show Monique (Mark was away yesterday too; not at baseball; he’s in the play – a dancer (was on the camp) Monique said he’s good, too!) Anyway she said this girl (Joannah C’s cousin) in Yr 9 was flirting with him. A Life in WordsThat made me depressed. But mima told him about the photo. He badly wanted to see it. I said no..way. Cameron asked Sharon She said no, then he actually said to me. I said no. But before Fi & I left for the Trobuk Pools, I gave it to mime & said don’t let anyone else see it. Boring at the Pools. Wanted to rush back & see Mark (why, god knows) Tonight on the phone, mima said Steven, Brent, Cameron & Megan also saw it. They all said it was a good photo. Mark didn’t say much (about me – not that she told me) but he asked her if I still liked him. Mima said, I’m not going to say anything. He is rather worried or is he? Speech on my own. It’s 10:30

Thursday 14/8/86

I think I’ve stuffed my chances now. I was going to make him ‘grovel’ or at least, worry a bit about whether I liked him or not… I don’t know what’ll happen now. In 6th period, biology, I put across the feeling of disappointment, depression cos I thought he was avoiding me. Anyway at the end, before we all left the room, Chris K was talking about Sandie and I said (a bit too loud I think) “So what’s it like to be in love?” If Mark heard that he probably would’ve assumed I didn’t like him. Tricia, in 7th p. art., was crying too.. what about? I think it was most likely about Mark cos after school, he & her sat on opposite bike racks and at one stage, he walked away to Terry & Raymond etc. I watched him talking. What about? Then he came back. Is it all over between them? I hope Cameron says something to me in Chem tomorrow 10:05. Went late night tonight. Then to see mum’s cousin up from Sydney. His 3 kids are nice the 7 yr old boy isn’t. Failed Chemistry exam & mima is having so much trouble with Brent.

Friday 15/8/86

*Cameron said nothing. In fact, he’s a big snob now, won’t even sit next to me, let alone talk to me. I failed chem 13/30, but the great thing is I only failed by 2 marks! A Life in Words[This is a radically different reaction to that I would have had only a year earlier. Exam failure would have gutted me. At least at this point I have found the positive in a negative!] Mark is avoiding me… I’m sure. Today, we walked to the City Place; Grease was being acted out as a “preview”. was great! (Went in lunchtime) got back ½ way thru’ period 6. No one in art noticed I was late. Fi also told me today how Mark & Tricia kiss goodbye in the “arvies”. I really wanted to see them do it [really? are you a masochist?] but we were held up after by talking etc. By the time we got there, Tricia’s bus was there. AND Mark was talking to Nicole C; yes, the same one who was flirting with him on the camp. BITCH. Anyway, At home I rang Lucy all arvy & got ready. Finally got on to Jane [her sister] said she’d be in on the 8:30 plane. POOP!! Fi came around 6:45→ we walked round town. picked up mima & she changed then we spent all the time at Licks cafe [an ice creamery] in Mellick Centre where Jay works. Didn’t go to pancake house at all. Met Justine & Beka. Stayed there till about 9:30… went walking… finally found Lucy..

Saturday 16/8/86

Last nite, we caught a taxi home. Justine, Fi & I stayed at mima’s. Watched View to a Kill on video. Bed at 1:15 – woke 7:15 this morning. A Life in WordsAfter small brekky, Justine & I walked to my place I changed and mima rode in …we rode together into town – mima to get her hair permed – me to work – (saw Heath. & Marge.) Justine’s dad took her home. Worked 4hrs 15 mins. Mima’s hair looks absolutely terrificly fantastic!! (Giles & Andrew D. were working – I immediately thought of what Mark said on the phone that night “we talked about you at Mackay”) We rode, picked Fi up from the newsagency & went to mima’s (mum wasn’t home) Watched music videos and bombed out – rested. Went home around 5:15. Petra’s staying over. Talking a lot about Mark… mima said he also thought I was taller than him she said “as if she’d crouch down for a photo!” Also, she told me exactly what he said that day (I can’t remember, but it was bad. He really thinks I hate him. I’m so depressed – so depressed that I didn’t go to the party tonight. Betcha he was there. 10:55

Sunday 17/8/86

I did nothing today. It was a BIG waste of time. Watched a little TV, drew and looked at photo albums and, of course, I ate. I had maths, english & speech HW to do, too. SHIT, huh? Oh well; It’s 9:00. I’m listening to Take 40 Australia. Will finish at 10:00. Hopefully I’ll get to sleep quickly Been thinking about Mark a lot too. Am really depressed. Why has all this happened? I’ve lost faith in him. (I can’t trust him) but I still want him badly. I’m also very frightened- frightened that if I went out with him & fell totally head over heels in love with him (like mima is with Brent) that what happened to mima & brent would happen to us, except that mark wouldn’t like me. Asking Petra today, before she left, to keep her eye on him & Nicole C at rehearsals today. She also thinks he’s a fantastic dancer & got a cute bum.

Recital, Singing, Study & THE Photo (4-10 August)

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Monday 4/8/86

Stuff Mark W. Yes, he’s still going, strong as ever, with Tricia. He can lay his hopes to rest; I think he’s gutless. He should’ve at least made some move to let Tricia ‘down’ ‘slowly’ by now. [This is all still under the assumption fed to me by a friend of his a few weeks earlier that he was only in the relationship out of ‘obligation’. Clearly I was clinging to this Hope.] Unless he doesn’t like me anymore. [Oh, little Liss, there are potentially many more reasons than just that one.] Talk about ‘like’ . . . I think no one likes me. Today I was totally depressed; felt alone, hated, an outsider. (Tho Monique & Donna were being (fairly) nice) Fiona was (whether it really was becos’ she was feeling sick or not). grumpy. And mima holding little attention (interest in me). Even Sharon seemed turned against me. And as for the rest of the group, I’ve felt ‘hated’ or just ‘disliked’ by everyone ever since I found out that they all knew I liked Mark. [It’s tragic how one ‘negative’ thing in your life has the power to ‘blacken’ everything else. Your perception is fully tainted.] 9:00. well almost. Did no HW. Nasty habit procrastination. Lucy rang; I’m jealous she has a rage all the time. Is coming up soon for her dad’s wedding.

Tuesday 5/8/86

A Life in Words
Not sure why I cut it out of the card, but this is the photo from my school ID

I felt strangely happy today: the first day I didn’t feel depressed about Mark!! I was in a really good mood all day!! [Oh my god, Miss Jekyll & Hyde…was I REALLY that moody?] Mima & I rode to school (went to congo’s [a local bakery] – had junk!) Big lunch got our ID Cards… it was the 1st lunch hour Mark did not spend with Tricia. Wow! (I still think he’s a spunk, but I’m still hurt so I feel kinda ignorant when he’s around ie: I ignore him) [Ha!] Bad News: Fi might be away for tomorrow’s swimming recreation. What will I do?? [There’s my clingy side…] I don’t want to go on my own (Trish hates me, and Astia I’m not sure about) megan & Linda are doing it too, but I don’t know exactly what they’re gonna do tomorrow. OH woe is me!! This arvy, mima & I had to get her references for her new job (checkout girl at Coles!!) Took ages. Then took them there, she had to do a test. Rode home slowly! mima having more troubles with Brent, SAD. 9:43

Wednesday 6/8/86

Bloody Dance. Sharon & I were the only ones there, more about that after… cold today. Fi ended up going to town with her mum – I went with Becca G (she’s doing swimming too) was rather fun (Bit upsetting seeing Tricia giving Mark a massage) Mark looked at me a lot today: Sharon & I sat in the sun (to keep her warm and he stood right near us!) Then at the dance… when I said Sharon & I were the only ones; I meant girls. All the guys were there. Everyone (except Cameron, David & Chris K) A Life in WordsSharon’s purpose there was to take photos. She had fun. I was in one with Duane & Nick R then … it had to happen. Mark came up & Sharon said “I want a photo of you two.” How fucking embarrassing. We stood near a brick wall, the light for the flash was heating up) and all Mark’s friends were standing in a big group nearby. They wanted us to put arms around each other but I said No. Straight out. (Didn’t say why) Trisha, dearie. [Who wants to see a photo of their boyfriend with his arms around another girl? I was actually being considerate ….but because it takes “two to tango” there was definitely also an element of self-preservation.] Also Sharon had more problems with Terry. [One of the guys interested in her, on whom she was not keen.] But Mark was searching for me in the hall in the beginning! He stood on chairs to look over the dancing mob. [and you KNOW this because…? Someone actually told you that was what he was doing?] It’s 11:30 one night I will never forget.

Thursday 7/8/86

Fi and I rode today – we talked alot I told her about the dance (only told 4 others; Donna, Sandie, Moni, and Mima) Donna and Sandie were going to develop the photos at lunchtime – but couldn’t. (I want to get that photo so no one will see it) Anyway, I was quite depressed this morning, thinking I’d totally stuffed up my chances with mark until art (my picture’s looking’ good & that made me happy) But in chemistry, Cameron & I were talking; we got on to Mark. He was saying things and I was saying “I don’t care”. He said “if Mark dropped Tricia and asked you to go with him what’d you say?” “No” “What?” “No!” “Why?” “Cos he doesn’t like me” “Bull, he does so” .. “no he- doesn’t” “yes he does” “Nup” “Yes I should know.” “No, he doesn’t” … “Why not?” “Because (I couldn’t – didn’t have the guts to say that about him hurting me). because he just doesn’t. [Oh, the Fear! I want to go back and slap my young self!] 9:40 Is so freezing now finally!!

Friday 8/8/86

Oh I’m starting to feel a ‘want’ for Mark again. . . a real ‘want’, yet at the dance I was frightened (truly scared to death) about going to talk to him. I had wanted to be his friend first & make it go from there, but… it was like he avoided me this afternoon. I didn’t see him at all at big lunch. and he rode out the far gate after school. I really do like him – I think of how he smiled at me before the photo .. they didn’t process them today . . I’ve decided I’m gonna get them to process 3 for me (I’ll pay if I have to) so I can see them. [Three? Why three?] I want a picture of him, smiling. [I can’t help disclosing here it wasn’t the case, but more will be revealed in next week’s post…] It felt good, him standing so close to me for the  photo. Felt good – I just wish. . . . Twinge of hope that he might “turn up” at Adrienne’s party. He won’t so I shouldn’t get my hopes up. Speech exam Tuesday I will fail. [Pessimism or Realism?] 11:05. Just watched the movie. Am rather tired. God, I really want Mark W….

Saturday 9/8/86A Life in Words

Ow! My wisdom tooth’s coming up! Woke rather early…  after Julia left with dad, I went to Mrs McI’s Did mostly nothing at all, helpful there. At home, I abused my voice I read my chapter out aloud; put on my walkman & sang aloud to the songs, [my poor mother, or whomever else might have been unfortunate enough to experience that] read my poem over & over, and read my chapter over & over again. Finished that utterly stupid english assignment & maths HW. Have only speech, art, english & chem. left now!! Ha! Didn’t go to Adrienne’s party. Mima said she was going at 7:00pm when I rang, Polly said she’d walked to Fi’s and they’d walked there ages ago. Nice, huh? [Feeling ‘left out’ is something that has pervaded my life – evidently more so in my youth – but I now view it as part of the building of my independence in adulthood. While it’s admirable, independence isn’t necessarily always positive: apart from the fact that feelings of loneliness can recur, it can translate to commitment issues – which I don’t think I have, by the way…] So I rang Justine (to see if she was going – she wasn’t) & Beka was there, so we had a very long talk (mostly me, about Mark). God that guy is great. Do I love him? Early night (well 9:45!) Thinking about Mark. He is so gorgeous. Do I love him?? I don’t think so. But it’s a mighty big crush!!!

Sunday 10/8/86

Have now finished preparing all my speech items. (talk? yes!!) Just need to practise & practise & practise; flog myself!! About my othe[r] english assignment, I will ask Mr Grossetti if I can use my divorce survey (that is research) & will be easy for me. Otherwise, I pigged out, yet again. I really don’t know what’s gotten into me; my appetite is enormous. Also, from this past weekend, I have seen my schoolwork in a different view – I realise the importance of good grades & how much I need to work for them. I will (will I?) try to work harder to improve my grades. Also, thinking a bit about the party: wonder if by some chance, Mark was there. Oh, I wish things were different for us. (I really want that photo!!!) Oh Mark!! It’s 10:25. Movie should be finished soon – yes, now!! Gotosleep thinking about Mark. Yum

An Emotional Rollercoaster & a Shitty Babysitting Experience (14-20 July)

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Monday 14/7/86

Everyone was talking about the party (or at least, the formal) “Everyone” did something on Saturday night. I feel so ‘depressed’. Donna said Mark was there & when I wondered if he was with anybody she said “I’m not saying anything”. A Life in WordsBut later said she “truly didn’t know” (Everyone was pissed) And Fiona & them had a great time at the formal (she got home 6:00 in the morning!) And Sharon gave me my present (as did Sandy & Monique) and talked to me again. Nothing has been said about ‘it’. We’re buddies again (…) And Fiona, Jemima, Brent & guess who …Cameron are going to the show together. How more depressing. I’ll go with Sharon & probably never “see” Mark . . . Oh, I’m so depressed. 9:45. School photos Blech. I am the tallest in our form Fuck it [Yep, I hated being tall. After all, it makes you stand out more. And I’m super-shy, remember?] I don’t think I like Mark anymore. I feel kind of “cheated”. [!!] It’d never work; we’re too shy And he probably doesn’t like me very much anyway. [So easy for me to fall into ‘despair’]

Tuesday 15/7/86

Boring Boring Boring . . I’ve decided I don’t care (very much) for Mark anymore . . . I probably really do (actually, I do) but I like people thinking “I’m crazy”. [okay. I don’t understand THAT] I’m tired. It’s 10:30. Things with him are in a different perspective now. Also, because mima & Brent wanted to go to the show on their own, Fi, Cameron & me (and Sharon & Adam G too, I s’pose) are going together (Gonna ask Fi to hint to Cameron about Mark…!! Ha Ha. Very funny. It’s raining. And it’s rather hot. might sleep in-the-nick tonight!! Probably not. Boring day. Did no (only Chem.) HW. Umah – I’m too lazy (and HOT) Bloody tired. Big black bags under my eyes, betcha!!! SHOW!! I love it!! Feel, in a way tho that I’m still intruding on Fiona & Cameron. A Life in WordsMonique left at big lunch to go to Townsville for her ballet exams 2morrow. GOOD LUCK MONI! Feel Jemima’s not happy with me either OH WELL 8:45

Wednesday 16/7/86

Officially declared BAD DAY. (1) And most important … Mark is going out with Tricia D. I told you I knew he’d been with someone at the party… the problem is, he’s still with her. Why? What a bastard. This proves one of 3 things he either didn’t like me as much as everyone reckons, or if he did, he’s being bloody selfish in going out with Trisha just for [one reason] or (3) he’s trying to make me  jealous (which is stupid & wouldn’t work anyway – I don’t get jealous – I’m sensitive – I get hurt) SO NOW I’ve plastered “Mark W; bastard” etc all over the place. [“All over the place” would have been in non-public places. I still wouldn’t want to burn my bridges…] Fuck him. I like Cameron. . he makes an effort to talk to me. And he’s funny & I’m going to the show with him. [?!!! but he’s not into you!] But I’m not gonna try’n’make Mark jealous. [psssh! ha ha ha] It’ll probably turn him off like he did to me (as you can see, I still care) And Donna did know .. she just didn’t want to hurt me.. (2) mima had a big fight with her mum & ran away but when I rang there around 8:15, she was home but in conference with her mum

[In the Notes section at the back of my diary, I added the following – as an ‘answer’ – to some thoughts I had penned a week or two earlier (nothing here is dated other than the month) when I was in a more positive frame of mind about Mark:]

Whoa, girlie!!! With all this about Tricia, you really can’t be so sure anymore. Could you ever trust this guy enough?? Is he the answer to your dreams? No? Yes? What are you??

Thursday 17/7/86

Now I don’t know what to think. (we rode to school late this morning: 8:15 & took it slowly..) mima was upset & Fiona went with her fo[r] console they missed Yr11 parade & ½ of pd 1. So Cameron sat next to me. We talked. Got onto Mark. I said something like “Dickhead” C: That’s not nice me: I know… C: He likes you… me: I’ve known that for a long time. He went on telling me about how he likes me, and is only going out with Trish cos he feels obligated [Omission of  facts about others, here] Also.. I find out from Becca G that everybody knows I like Mark. [With hindsight it’s easy to condemn myself for being so naive..] Great, huh?!! Sharon is so unreliable. I know it was her, even tho she denied it. [..and then to blame someone else for something that would have been so easily perceived by others. She was also not the only person who knew…] Also Cameron rang about Fiona – he really likes her a lot & is worried about the show. I eventually convinced him to still go. Is 9:35…!!! I maths, Cameron & Chris told me how much they hate Sharon. So many people do. It’s unbelievable!! Cameron also knows everything about how I feel about Mark – I’ve “begged” him not to tell [Ha! Who’s his alliance likely to lie with, Elissa? You or his best mate?]

Friday 18/7/86A Life in Words

♥ It was alright!! (The show, that is…) Firstly, today I listened to music did a bit of HW and got ready. I was bloody excited… would Mark be there?? If so, with or without Tricia? Picked up everybody, swapped into cars at Monique’s and went. Big group… but soon Monique, Sandy, Chris & Glyn left. So Cameron, Fi, Sharon & Adam G, me (& mima and brent later on) went on everything [amusement park rides]. we (cameron, adam & I) stood off while the others went on the zipper [That ride – pictured right – was always my most feared. I think to this day, I’ve only ever been on it once]. Then he came … all night I wanted to see him, but was too shy to talk (or even look at him) Yes, Tricia was there, but at the end she wasn’t and we went on dodgems. (not him & I – all of us) And walked to the gates together. Mima told me the things he said about me. Mima: Isn’t Lissa gorgeous? Mark: (without hesitation; very hastily answering, determinedly) Yes! (And then Trish came. Gave mima very dirty looks all nite) Also mima: cameron: where’s elissa? Mark (quickly) up there.. mima: keeping your eye on her. Mark: you bet.

Saturday 19/7/86

I will never babysit again in my life!! Screaming babies I just cannot hack. Don’t go telling me I’ll never be able to cope with children, tho… [I just don’t like loud noises in general…] we finally got her to lie down & she’s going to go to sleep I think. Poor kid; I understand how frightened she is. Mum (& her mum) are at a National Trust Dinner. I’ll scream if they’re too late. I wanted an early night in the first place. Fuck that. I did nothing today. I just didn’t know what to do (in the way of an english assignment… my maths is driving me up the wall) And, of course, my day wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t spend some time thinking about Mark!! It’s 8:50 now; god knows what time I’ll get to bed. I am bloody tired, too. Last night it was 12:05 when I turned off my lamp!!! I’m thinking a bit about Mark & me. I don’t think we’d be very good… to start with, we find it hard to talk to each other….what next?

Sunday 20/7/86

Got to sleep around 11:45…. that baby …oooh! We only managed to make her happy (& occupied) in the last 45 mins or so. Otherwise we ignored her & she cried (screamed) or (mostly) sat on the couch keeping quiet. She also shit herself & even when mum came home, we didn’t want to try & change her nappy in case she kicked up another stink (it was too late in the night for that) I fell asleep just after mum & julia had successfully changed her nappy & her parents came. [It’s no surprise that my sister assisted in the nappy-changing; she was and is very maternal. Me not so much. Obviously.] Today I did big fat NOTHING. I had maths & english but I did none of both. What a pisshead. I kept thinking “what will I do?” for my english ..I have no idea. So I haven’t even started. Mr G will have fun revving me tomorrow. Getta move on. Just watched the movie. Umah!! Is 10:45 My, my, my …. think a lot about Mark. Would it (us) work? Really?

A Water Fight, a Doppelgänger & a Half Leg Wax (7-13 July)

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Monday 7/7/86

Purritty embarassing! Ha! Apparently cameron was there when he rang… shame… so I’m sure a few other people know  now too… Cameron, Keith, Mark, Brent & probly Steven. Girls: Sharon (mima told her; she’s totally ignoring me!!!) monique sandra (P) mima, fi, me & tanja S. I didn’t want ‘anyone’ to know… I felt terrible… (kind of) Fi & mime kept telling me to go & talk to him … as if!! Walk up sit down & start talking. I don’t have the guts, sorry. [Have to say, I still wouldn’t do it now either. Yes, I am still THAT shy.] Otherwise, fairly boring day. Think Mark didn’t mind the call. Thinking a lot more about it … he left his dinner, talking to me & the more I think about, I realise he did ask me some questions & talked too. [It’s amazing how well our Minds can ‘warp’ things…] A Life in WordsDad came round this arvy [it was his birthday] – gave him screwdriver set, copper beer mug and socks (& lotsa hugs & kisses) mima & fi went to town after school to get my prezzy!!! 9:35 (miss my digital watch!) can finally do [understand, I assume] my maths!! Hip Hip HOORAY!

Tuesday 8/7/86

Got a bit depressed this afternoon. I feel so dumb – I HATE my shyness. Yet, that is what they all say Mark likes in me. But it also means I won’t be able to talk to him (at school anyway) I am so confused…. Watching the mini-series now “Mistral’s Daughter”. (Besides being a little corny, it is a beautiful story.) 9:50.. gonna crash soon. Did no HW this arvy. [Removing name here for privacy reasons] went home with [and again] (and guess what?  . . .  yes! She said she had to tell someone. She said it was “great”!! !!!) so walking home, she stopped in at my place. We talked. Sometimes about Sharon…a fair bit about Mark. If there was a happy medium between shyness & “bravery” If I could just be able to say ‘Hi’ now & then & talk casually in class etc. it would be perfect. I am tired. And kind of depressed & confused & unsure & insecure. [Heavy]

Wednesday 9/7/86

We skipped athletics trials again this week (and with my luck, they’ll have cracked-down on those who “skip” it so will get into trouble on my birthday…) A Life in WordsWent to town at big lunch… looked for [cassette] tape [of the album] “Little Creatures” by Talking Heads (no one had it) then got Fi’s (formal) shoes off lay-by & got lotsa food. Stopped back at Dunphy’s  newsagent for the rest of the arvy, reading mags again. Polly & her friend Selina were there this time too. Also today realised just how much work I have for art and, all over, how much more I’ll have to try to achieve my goal of at least  3 VHA’s this semester…→ A LOT!! And Mark? Well, I didn’t see much of him. Going to Nana’s for tea tonight [it was her birthday…within the space of 3 days, my dad, my grandmother & I all celebrated our birthdays], on our way to Newmarket Drive In bottle shop, saw a person with blonde hair riding along. Thought Cameron. And it was. And Mark was there too!! YUM YUM! Did no HW. Is 8:50.

Thursday 10/7/86

A Life in Words
At the annual Cairns High & Saint Augustine’s football game. I’m left of centre, lifting my chin…

MY BIRTHDAY…WOWEE. The biggest, sorest pimple on my nose… PAIN! And it’s bright red! Fairly good day. Woke up to phone calls galore & ran late!! From Fi & mima, I got make-up (eye shadows!!) and cards + 1 from Donna. Not much of a fuss at school Thankful, in a way. Pretty boring day except that I missed double art for a bio talk (only to be near mark – otherwise I wouldn’t have gone) Quite fun & I think Mark’s looking at me a bit more again now. (??!!) Upset after school – the CHS & saints footy clash was on & no one had invited me. After a lot of tears [oh dear, not a happy birthday?], I scabbed a lift with the Brewers (felt absolutely terrible) mark wasn’t there. But Cameron (2nd best!) was. Got $100 so far [total birthday cash, that is]. Dad & Geoff & Jenny  yet to go!!! [Expectant little thing, aren’t you?!] (Hoped Mark’d ring or something) eyes are so sore (from crying I guess) stinging – must shut them & get some sleep!! 9:45.

Friday 11/7/86

If there was any doubt, that can (again) be rid of; I have new again, straight from “the man” (Cameron. McK) Fiona said “does mark like Elissa?” In biology dance practise. Of course (loyalty to his friend) he didn’t say but she bugged him & he said (something like) “Mark really likes Elissa. He’d really like to talk to her but is too shy. He’d like to walk up & talk but wouldn’t know how to start a conversation.” FREAKY!! I’m happy! I LOVE MARK!! (I look at him and wonder “that (meaning gorgeous hunk) likes ME?” How can it be? Anyway (I had a good time in chemistry with Cameron, even had a ‘waterfight’ (which Mark witnessed the middle & end of) Went to town with Julia & Justine tonight. Saw so many things I’d like that ended up only buying my shoes – which I adore!!!!!!!! ♥ Mark! 10:45. In town in Chandlers [THE eminent music store in town at that time], saw a guy (not really good looking) had looked so much like Mark ie; his features so closely resembled mark; wonder if its his brother. Unbelievable how similar he looks!

Saturday 12/7/86

I did nothing. (I mean, after I went clothes shopping..) I got a pair of white leggins/ski pants and a heavy cotton jumper/dress… soft pink. Also got white & soft pink socks (cotton, knee-hi) and  mum bought Julia a colourful shirt. But this arvy, I did barely anything. Waste of a day… could’ve waxed my legs or something. . . (eg. HW) But finally got thru’ to mima’s around 6:15… she said they’d come at 6:30 to take me to see the Yr 12’s going to their formal. I wish I could’ve seen Fi . . apparently she looked beautiful [dolled up as an usher for the function – the privilege I had also been offered but declined]. I really felt stupid … why didn’t I go? I know why & in a way I don’t regret saying no. [Well that’s a relief! Acceptance of the outcome of my choice, and a hint of the presence of some degree of self esteem!] Anyway, I’ve already started planning my dress etc!!! 10:10 Hope Mark will be my partner at our formal. Hope so. Yummiest Guy out!! I love Mark W!!!A Life in Words

Sunday 13/7/86

Boring! I did my set HW (and I didn’t even start my english assignment) – well, (what I could do of maths) I didn’t have much. Then I waxed my half leg (shins) I’ve washed  & moisturized  them a lot this time so the hair follicles will hopefully not get infected; feels better!! (Missed a fair bit!!) Also played lots of records [yep, black vinyl – the original recorded music medium!]. But it was rather boring. Love thinking about Mark….. spunk. Also this arvy, experimented with my hair … made it wavy or crinkly & have decided to do it like that for my school photo tomorrow. Looked good! Also have decided how I’m gonna grow my hair …. Length to my lips (all the same; a bob) and get perm solution combed through it; push in some kinks so its slightly wavy or more “bouncy” – “curvy” !!! [Uh-huh and that’ll work. I had fanciful ideas about how things worked!] 10:15 Tired! Got big red dots & pimples all over my face. Will hafta use coverup so they don’t show in my photo.. unless they miraculously heal tonite!!!

[Although I didn’t date it, I’m fairly sure the following spiel I wrote in the ‘Notes’ section at the back of my diary happened sometime in this week – the mood and tone seem to correlate:] Mark is the biggest spunk. Want to make friends with him (at least) Am so upset. How the hell can I do this? Let’s face it; I am far too shy. He has to make the first move. I think he does like me a LOT. I think. (I hope) well, the way it’s going I know I am liking him LOTS more all the time. Just have to look at him and I feel elated knowing he likes me; that beautiful, tall hunk likes me, in all my plainness. It is inconceivable. [It’s inconceivable that I had such an incredibly huge inferiority complex. But, I was what I was!] But I love (??) him or at least have the biggest crush on him ever. . . .